Complete playlist:
https://dailymotion.com/playlist/x9np9k
https://dailymotion.com/playlist/x9np9k
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Students with a
00:00Diffus
00:02L.
00:04Diffus
00:06L.
00:08L.
00:10L.
00:12L.
00:14L.
00:16L.
00:18L.
00:20L.
00:22L.
00:24L.
00:26L.
00:28Tee and a coffee?
00:40Yes.
00:41I'm afraid we failed.
00:45What?
00:45Well, we drank them both slowly and carefully,
00:48but we couldn't tell which was which.
00:52Trying to be funny?
00:53Although one was a darker grey than the other.
00:56What?
00:57Tell me one thing.
00:57How do you manage to serve them both at blood heat?
01:00No!
01:02To stick your elbow in.
01:04Look, it's not my fault.
01:05I know, I know.
01:06All I do is work here.
01:07Yes, I know.
01:07I'm sorry.
01:08It's early.
01:09I'm bad-tempered.
01:10Forgive me.
01:11You do look lovely in that overall.
01:14Oh.
01:15Is that, er...
01:16Is that real, Terralene?
01:19Yeah.
01:21Fruette.
01:22You look a picture.
01:25Don't fancy a bit of Troilism, do you?
01:28We don't do meals till later.
01:31It's, er...
01:31Moose-sar-per-an-a-grick today.
01:34Ah.
01:35Or, er...
01:35Toad-in-the-hole.
01:37No, it's nearer what I had in mind.
01:38I don't do.
01:40Coffee, you're playing, Beach.
01:42No, thanks.
01:43My coffee was enough.
01:44Yours was the tea.
01:46Pie at the day.
01:49What a good-natured, warm, intelligent chest that girl's got.
01:53Did you notice?
01:54Hmm.
01:56There's only three in here.
01:57I'll do those.
01:58Will you do that agency?
02:00Hmm, all right.
02:01Anything in those?
02:03No.
02:04Oh, look at that.
02:07When did you last see an overweight canary phoning up his friends?
02:11What?
02:12What is it about advertisers?
02:14Sex and twaddle is all they can think of.
02:16I suppose sooner or later we'll have the ultimate advert.
02:19Busby making love to Raquel Welch.
02:21I should make the post office a multinational
02:25and put Mary Whitehouse in intensive care.
02:29I haven't been flattened by hordes of lust-crazed Amazons
02:32on account of this aftershave I'm wearing, either.
02:35Bloody hell, Shelley.
02:36What are you going on about now?
02:37Advertisers.
02:38Treat us all like a bunch of sex-obsessed infants.
02:40I mean, look at this girl.
02:42Traipsing about in a hopelessly inadequate bikini
02:45to plug do-it-yourself gear.
02:47She could be flogging anything.
02:49Anything.
02:50Perfume, vodka, chocolates, somepoil?
02:55OK, I know some people are turned on by some pretty odd things.
02:59What she's got to do with ready-cut plasterboard is beyond me.
03:03Dear God in heaven, it's Sandra Ferguson.
03:06It isn't.
03:07Looks like her.
03:08So it is.
03:10Well, well, she hasn't changed much, has she?
03:13No.
03:16What on earth you were doing with her, Shelley, I'll never know.
03:18Oh, it was a simple, God-fearing male chauvinist pig in those days.
03:22She made the hormones dance.
03:23And now her underdressed baby feeders are flogging loft insulation
03:27and polythixotropic adhesion aggregate.
03:31Nice to see your friend's talents being put to good use.
03:35Well, delightful though it would be to spend the morning discussing your ex-affairs,
03:39I think it's time we found somewhere to live.
03:41I really want to get on with some writing.
03:43How's it going?
03:44Awful.
03:45I mean, even Jane Austen would find it difficult to write a novel in a two-room flat with four people.
03:49Yeah.
03:50Pity Michael came back.
03:52Well, it is his flat.
03:53He's been very good.
03:55We can't sleep on his floor much longer.
03:57I don't see why not.
03:58Oh, Shelley, we can't.
04:00It's so embarrassing.
04:01No, it isn't.
04:02We always wait till he's asleep.
04:06He's only pretending.
04:07He isn't.
04:08Well, he must be sometimes.
04:10Dirty bugger.
04:13We could stay at your mother's place.
04:15Oh, no.
04:16Can't stand her poncy boyfriend.
04:18They're not there.
04:19Poncy little house painter.
04:21House restorer.
04:23They're skiing in Scotland.
04:24Typical.
04:24I suppose he goes on safari in Windsor Great Park and scuba diving in Whitestone Ponds.
04:30Well, we could stay there for two weeks.
04:32No, there's no point, is there?
04:33We've got to find somewhere sometime.
04:35These early mornings are killing me.
04:37Well, it is 10.30.
04:39Oh, God.
04:40I've got to click the gyro.
04:41Why don't they post that?
04:43Well, I had to give a false address.
04:49You'd have to go a long way for coffee like that.
04:51Oh, thank you, sir.
04:53Like a motorway service station.
04:54You should have signed at nine this morning, Mr Shelley.
05:08Had to drive my mother to work.
05:10Oh, really?
05:11What sort of work does your mother do?
05:13Foreman on a building site.
05:16Mr Shelley.
05:17She has to be driven, you see, on account of her wooden leg.
05:21I'm glad to see your sense of humour hasn't deserted you, Mr Shelley.
05:24How is it that a 28-year-old, intelligent, educated man like yourself managed to remain unemployed for so long?
05:30Well, it's just a knack.
05:31Anyone could do it.
05:33According to this, you took a degree in geography and a PhD.
05:36And since then, you've never worked at all except for a holiday job as a beanpacker.
05:39Working on my biography, eh?
05:44Do you know how many people are unemployed in this country?
05:47After seasonal adjustment, 1,312,000.
05:52Quite.
05:54Many of them without your qualifications.
05:56Desperate for a job.
05:57Do you want me to take a job away from one of them?
06:00You're a nutcase, Mr Shelley.
06:02Hey, you want to be less rude to your regulars, mate.
06:04It's us hardcore layabouts.
06:06It's your bread and butter.
06:07Mr Shelley.
06:08I mean, we have to put up with a lot, you know.
06:10All these kids, right out of school, still wet behind their punk hairstyles and straight on the dole at the full rate.
06:16No differentials at all.
06:19Very hard for us senior men to take.
06:22Now, once the government gets the economy rolling again, and it won't be long now,
06:26the politicians were almost optimistic about it during the election.
06:29Once that's happened, all these weekend layabouts will be swept away and they'll do a beaching on these places.
06:35Oh, yes, you mark my words.
06:36There'll be grass where you're standing and a queue of young trendies buying them up for middle-class housing.
06:41And you people will be the only people unemployed.
06:44Then you'll be sorry.
06:46As you watch the pigs flying about in the trees.
06:48By the way...
06:49Mr...
06:52Forsyth.
06:54Bruce?
06:57Alan.
06:58Alan Forsyth.
06:59How do you do?
07:00Now, as I've been signing here regularly now for...
07:0369 weeks.
07:04As you say, 69 weeks.
07:07I wondered if I qualified for holiday pay.
07:11Mr. Shelley.
07:12Call me James.
07:13Nobody ever does.
07:14Mr. Shelley.
07:14In lieu, you see, because I didn't get a chance to go away this year.
07:17Why don't we post this to you?
07:19Ah, well, where I live, the mail gets stolen.
07:21Uh-huh.
07:22According to this, you live with your mother.
07:24She's a kleptomaniac.
07:25Which is a drag, because with a wooden leg, she's not too hot on the getaways.
07:32Say, you couldn't manage a bit more, could you?
07:35No?
07:36How about a productivity deal?
07:37I sign on twice a week.
07:39Fill in a couple of extra C-17s.
07:41Goodbye, Mr. Shelley.
07:43Bye-bye now.
07:44I'll see you next week.
07:45If I'm spared.
07:46If you could sign on at the proper time, it would help us.
07:49I know it must be a strain, week in and week out.
07:51But if it's no trouble, I'm sorry to ask.
07:53You sure you're not, Bruce Forsyth?
07:55I'm sorry.
08:06Yes, sir.
08:08What can I do for you?
08:09I'd like a small flat.
08:11For me and my wife.
08:12Sorry, sir.
08:13Nothing in at the moment.
08:14Nothing at all.
08:15Sorry, sir.
08:16But the other guy just...
08:17Awfully sorry.
08:18Look in again.
08:20Yeah.
08:26Yes, sir.
08:26Can I help?
08:28Oh, well, I gather not.
08:29I want the same as him.
08:31Sit down, sir.
08:32Flat for you and your wife.
08:33Girlfriend.
08:34Small flat.
08:34Big bedsit.
08:35Well, let's see what we can do.
08:37Yes, but I just heard you say to be a...
08:38I have to match the tenant to the accommodation, sir.
08:41That's my job.
08:43Name?
08:45James Shelley.
08:47And what do you do for a living?
08:50I'm unemployed.
08:51Civil servant.
08:58References?
08:59What?
09:00Present landlord.
09:01Oh, well, um...
09:03Say you live with your mother.
09:04That's safest.
09:07Personal references.
09:09Ah, uh...
09:11If you have any trouble,
09:14give them our tenant's number.
09:15Say you've known Mr. Hutchings for years.
09:18I'll sort it out.
09:19I see.
09:19Mr. Hutchings.
09:21For you and your girlfriend.
09:23Yes.
09:25You're not planning a family, are you?
09:27No.
09:29Jolly good.
09:30That's all right.
09:33Perhaps I'd better pop out
09:35and have the operation first,
09:36just to go and see.
09:40Surprised you haven't got facilities on the premises.
09:45Here we are.
09:47Complete list.
09:48Sign here.
09:50If we find you somewhere,
09:52we charge you two weeks' rent.
09:54That's against the law.
09:56Mustn't let ourselves be hidebound by bureaucracy.
09:59Mustn't let us sit, must we.
10:06Hello.
10:08Oh, Mr. Hutchings speaking.
10:13Known him for years.
10:15Most reliable.
10:16Honest, quiet fellow.
10:18Can't speak too highly of him.
10:21Oh, not at all.
10:22Bye.
10:23Where did you say you were employed, Mr. Shelley?
10:37Lovely pullover.
10:39Oh, thank you.
10:41Is that genuine acrylic?
10:42Yes, a hundred po-
10:45What?
10:47I'm on the government payroll.
10:48Oh, really?
10:50What department?
10:51Department of the Employment.
10:52What, the one just down the road from here?
10:54Yes, that's it.
10:55Oh, well, that would be convenient for you then.
10:58What's your position with them?
11:00I'm involved in unemployment statistics.
11:05Oh, well, that's nice and steady then, isn't it?
11:09Certainly got a future anyway.
11:11Makes me boil all this unemployment.
11:13Isn't it dreadful?
11:14Half of them lay about.
11:16Getting money for nothing makes you sick.
11:18Oh, well, now, just a minute.
11:19And where are you living now?
11:21Uh, sorry?
11:22Well, in case I wanted a reference.
11:24Oh, I live with my mum.
11:25Ah.
11:27Well, why are you looking...
11:27I mean, that is, I did.
11:28I mean, she died.
11:30Oh, I'm sorry.
11:32Oh, I'm dreadful for you.
11:34Well, a release in some ways.
11:35Her leg gave it a lot of trouble, you know.
11:38Do you want this flat for yourself?
11:40Yes.
11:40Oh, fine.
11:41And my wife.
11:43Ah.
11:44Well, it's quite a small flat.
11:45Oh, we're very close.
11:48Yes, but...
11:49I mean, you know, we just like to live together.
11:51If possible.
11:52I mean, I think that's nice, that.
11:54Don't you?
11:54Oh, well, of course.
11:55I mean, you're married, are you?
11:56Well, yes.
11:57And your husband who lives here, does he?
11:59Well, yes.
12:00There you are, I see.
12:00Case in point.
12:03Yeah, but Mr Shelley...
12:04Actually, she's not my wife.
12:06Pardon?
12:07Fran.
12:08Look, Mr Shelley...
12:09Common law.
12:09No, I'm not worried about that.
12:11Well, it is a double bed.
12:12Yes.
12:13Pity to waste it.
12:15I say, is that moulding coming away?
12:18What?
12:19It can be expensive in these old houses, too.
12:22Mr Shelley...
12:22Call me, James.
12:23Nobody ever does.
12:24Mr Shelley...
12:25Oh, no, all that needs is a spot of polythix high yield.
12:29What?
12:30Polythixotropic high yield adhesion aggregate.
12:32Wonderful stuff.
12:33I should get that looked at quickly, before it spreads.
12:37Get what looked at?
12:38Yes, that and a bit of ready-cut plasterboard there, perhaps.
12:41Well, you know about those things, do you?
12:43Oh, I was reading about it only today, oddly enough.
12:45Keeping abreast of developments, as it were.
12:48Don't let them charge you too much, mind.
12:50Hardly anything needs doing, at the moment.
12:53What?
12:53You done decorating and that, then?
12:55Trained as a house restorer.
12:56Oh, sorry.
12:58No, no, that's not serious.
13:00The point is...
13:02No, I'm sorry.
13:03Well, I did want to let it to a single person.
13:07Oh, of course, I quite understand.
13:08But I really don't seem...
13:09Thank you very much.
13:10It's a very nice flat.
13:11No, well, look, I mean...
13:12I hope you find a nice tenant for it.
13:14Thanks.
13:14Bye-bye, now.
13:15No, no, wait a minute.
13:15Mr Shelley!
13:17Yes?
13:18Well, I mean...
13:19Oh, I think it will be all right.
13:22If you like it, that is.
13:26Well...
13:26Tell you what.
13:30Yes?
13:31Well, I do have a couple of other places to see.
13:33Oh, yes, of course.
13:35Now, why don't I come back about six with Fran,
13:37give you a chance to think things over.
13:38Yeah, all right.
13:39Then you can meet her.
13:40Of course, yes.
13:41She can meet you.
13:42Yes, yes.
13:44I mean, I wouldn't want to pressure you in any way.
13:46No, no.
13:46Well, I think that's very nice of you.
13:50Not at all.
13:51Well, I'll see you about six, then.
13:52Yeah.
13:54Oh, and take my word for it.
13:56What?
13:57There's nothing wrong with that moulding.
13:59Oh.
13:59Oh.
14:16This is the room.
14:26Thank you, Mr. Patel.
14:36Don't tell me.
14:37Your great-great-grandmother died in there
14:39and hasn't been touched since.
14:42You're a very funny man.
14:44Please go in.
14:45Shouldn't we send a canary in first?
14:47Please?
14:49No, it must be all right.
14:50The rats look healthy, you know.
14:51What was this place?
14:57A reject depot for Oxfam shops.
15:00Now I show you everything.
15:02This is making hot water.
15:06I saw one once in a science museum.
15:09I'm sorry?
15:10This place is squalid.
15:12No, no, no.
15:13It is only leading smartening up.
15:15And I don't mind if you decorate it.
15:21What with?
15:21Cave painting?
15:23And this is the cooker.
15:26Oh, Fanny Carrick used to live here, did she?
15:29What?
15:29Look, I don't want to waste your time.
15:30I'm sure you've got a lot more tombs to open.
15:32I'll just be on my way.
15:34You don't want to live here?
15:36I wouldn't let a pig live here, mate.
15:39Please, no pigs.
15:41It is not right for my village.
15:44What are you, a Satanist?
15:46I was making only the joke.
15:49Oh.
15:50I mean, what's this heap of refuse?
15:53This is the bed.
15:55Sheets provided.
15:56Oh, sheets.
15:58What poor sod was desperate enough to sleep here?
16:01Lord Lucan?
16:05What's that smell in the house?
16:06Oh, this is only today.
16:07The man downstairs has brought some work home.
16:10What is he, a grave robber?
16:12No, no.
16:13He's making photographs.
16:14And it is a chemical only.
16:16I will talk to him.
16:18Well, Mr Patel, I've seen a lot of places today, but I think, on balance, this is the worst.
16:23Oh, no!
16:24Competition has been fierce, mind you.
16:27But I think you've actually achieved uninhabitability here.
16:32It is very cheap, this room.
16:34I wouldn't take this room if it included a pension and a supply of naked women.
16:40Oh, yes.
16:41Any woman you like to stay here.
16:43I have no morals.
16:44Coffee, please.
16:55Medium roast Colombian.
16:59You were having a go at me.
17:01What?
17:03Trolleyism.
17:05Find out what it meant.
17:06It's with free, innit?
17:11Dirty sod.
17:17Well, no, it's not actually with...
17:18Nothing to do with sausage toad.
17:23It is a tenuous connection.
17:25Diagrammatic rather than actual.
17:27Quite enough, a dirty word.
17:29You know, you're wasted here.
17:32A girl with your talents could be shifting plasterboard by the truckload.
17:37Are you going to get my coffee today or tomorrow?
17:40And a raven goes on about men like you.
17:42I've never met the woman.
17:43You think sex is dirty, don't you?
17:49With luck, if you work at it.
17:52Yeah, I suppose you're right.
17:55I don't know.
17:57Here.
17:57Now, was that your girlfriend you were with?
18:00Don't sit too close.
18:01The aftershave may rob you of your reason.
18:04Only, I was quite interested in what you were saying, see.
18:08What do you do for a living?
18:10I'm a freelance layabout.
18:13Thinking of chucking it, though, competition's fierce these days.
18:16You've nearly wiped the bloom off that tomato.
18:18Oh, you have to keep them clean or the sauce runs down the side.
18:22They're an emblem of our generation, you know.
18:24No other age could have produced that.
18:26I mean, you can't see one of those nestling between the Adam candlesticks on a Chippendale sideboard, can you?
18:32Or being passed down the table at the Last Supper.
18:35No, this is genuine artefact.
18:38The 60s tomato.
18:40People will collect these in years to come.
18:42Sotheby's will auction them by the truss.
18:44I suppose they are good.
18:50I once wrote, I love you with one of those.
18:52All over Mary Hamilton's chips.
18:55What's Mary Hamilton?
18:56Ah, the first of many women to whom I wished to devote my life.
18:59I was 13 at the time.
19:01Fortunately, her life was devoted to chips.
19:03She noticed neither the message nor its author.
19:06She married a potato farmer.
19:08Died of obesity in 1974.
19:10She didn't.
19:12Nah.
19:12But I like my stories to have happy endings.
19:15Tell me one thing.
19:16Do people always have to talk to you for half an hour to get a cup of coffee?
19:20Or is the aftershave belatedly coming into its own?
19:22Right, I'll go and get it.
19:27I've only got one pair of eggs, you know.
19:32Shelley, I've got somewhere.
19:34Yeah?
19:35Bedsit and kitchen.
19:36So have I. Where?
19:37Just round here, Pangloss Road.
19:40Not Mrs Hawkins.
19:41Yeah, how do you know?
19:42I got it as well.
19:44No, you didn't.
19:46You got the keys?
19:47Paid two weeks' rent.
19:48But Shelley, I had to.
19:50I couldn't risk losing it.
19:51I've left a bag there, so we can't be got out now.
19:53The room on the first floor?
19:54Yeah.
19:55I don't understand.
19:55She's keeping that room for me.
19:57I'm to go back at six to show it to you.
19:59It's nice, isn't it?
20:00Yes, it'll do.
20:02I've been trying to do better all day.
20:04No luck?
20:05No.
20:05A few paleolithic bedsits.
20:08Hammer film set in Wilsdon.
20:11Do you tell her about me?
20:12I never tell anyone about you.
20:15Listen, I think we ought to get round there.
20:17Have you eaten?
20:18What? No.
20:18I'm starving.
20:19Fran, there's something wrong.
20:20Shelly, we've got the place.
20:22We can't be got out.
20:23No, I suppose not.
20:25I say.
20:28Could we have some toad in the hole?
20:30Don't you start for gold's sake!
20:38Nice bed.
20:40Yeah.
20:42Here you are.
20:43Ta.
20:43We're going to do this place up, Shelly.
20:50Well?
20:51Well, we're likely to be here for a bit.
20:54There's a do-it-yourself shop on the corner.
20:55You could get the gear and renew your acquaintance with Sandra Ferguson at the same time.
21:00I've gone off her.
21:01I've been stirred by memories of Mary Hamilton since then.
21:04Who's she?
21:05A simple-minded chip freak.
21:09To whom I once declared myself in letters of blood.
21:12Well, I hope I'm the exception among your women.
21:14Oh, you are.
21:15All the others were lookers.
21:19Give us a kiss to be going on with.
21:21Oh, God, that aftershave's disgusting.
21:24Come here.
21:24Shelly, Mrs. Hawkins will be up in a minute.
21:26Well, she'll have to wait her turn.
21:27I can only manage one at a time.
21:30That's not what you told that waitress.
21:34There you are.
21:35What did I tell you?
21:39Everything all right, then, is it, Frances?
21:41Fine, thanks, Mrs. Hawkins.
21:42Come and meet my boyfriend.
21:45What the hell are you doing here?
21:48This is the lady who's not my wife, Mrs. Hawkins.
21:51You can bugger off out of it.
21:54Mrs. Hawkins, this is my boyfriend.
21:56Him?
21:57It's all off.
21:58What?
21:59You're a con man, you are.
22:01I'm sorry?
22:02I phoned the Labour about you.
22:05Asked them for a reference.
22:06You did what?
22:08I know all about you.
22:09They'd never tell you.
22:10Spoke to a Mr. Alan Forsyth.
22:13Ah.
22:14He told me all about you.
22:16Everything.
22:17He was very helpful.
22:18Mrs. Hawkins, you see...
22:19And the do-it-yourself shop on the corner
22:21has never heard of Polly Drop's aggravated glue.
22:25What?
22:26Well, he was cracking on the house was falling down
22:28and he could fix it.
22:30Told me he was a house restorer.
22:31Yes, you see, I'm very sorry, Mrs. Hawkins,
22:33but I'm a compulsive liar.
22:34No, you're not, Shelley.
22:35Don't tell lies.
22:39Telling me your mother was dead.
22:41Dead?
22:42She's skiing, Mrs. Hawkins.
22:44Now, don't you start.
22:46In Scotland.
22:47Oh, no, she isn't.
22:48She is, Mrs. Hawkins.
22:49How can she go skiing with a wooden leg?
22:52What?
22:53Well, I'm sorry, love, but it's all off.
22:56I'm not having any bloody useless layabouts in this house.
22:59I'm very sorry, Mrs. Hawkins,
23:01but if you're going to be rude,
23:02I'm afraid I shall have to ask you to vacate our room.
23:06May?
23:07For your information, Mr. High and Mighty,
23:10this does happen to be my house.
23:11Ah, yes, you see,
23:12but we've taken possession of this bit.
23:14What?
23:15You've issued keys.
23:16Eh?
23:17And accepted rent.
23:19That's right, Mrs. Hawkins, we've moved in.
23:22Oh, no, you haven't.
23:24Demonstrably, we have, Mrs. Hawkins.
23:26You haven't heard the last of this.
23:34Fran?
23:35What?
23:36Is this tea or coffee?
23:37No.
23:43Oh, no, you haven't heard the last of this.