Shelley 1979 - Complete - Hywel Bennett comedy by OldTVShow - Dailymotion

OldTVShow

Watch the playlist Shelley 1979 - Complete - Hywel Bennett comedy by OldTVShow on Dailymotion

Transcript

00:00Students with a

00:00Diffus

00:02L.

00:04Diffus

00:06L.

00:08L.

00:10L.

00:12L.

00:14L.

00:16L.

00:18L.

00:20L.

00:22L.

00:24L.

00:26L.

00:28Tee and a coffee?

00:40Yes.

00:41I'm afraid we failed.

00:45What?

00:45Well, we drank them both slowly and carefully,

00:48but we couldn't tell which was which.

00:52Trying to be funny?

00:53Although one was a darker grey than the other.

00:56What?

00:57Tell me one thing.

00:57How do you manage to serve them both at blood heat?

01:00No!

01:02To stick your elbow in.

01:04Look, it's not my fault.

01:05I know, I know.

01:06All I do is work here.

01:07Yes, I know.

01:07I'm sorry.

01:08It's early.

01:09I'm bad-tempered.

01:10Forgive me.

01:11You do look lovely in that overall.

01:14Oh.

01:15Is that, er...

01:16Is that real, Terralene?

01:19Yeah.

01:21Fruette.

01:22You look a picture.

01:25Don't fancy a bit of Troilism, do you?

01:28We don't do meals till later.

01:31It's, er...

01:31Moose-sar-per-an-a-grick today.

01:34Ah.

01:35Or, er...

01:35Toad-in-the-hole.

01:37No, it's nearer what I had in mind.

01:38I don't do.

01:40Coffee, you're playing, Beach.

01:42No, thanks.

01:43My coffee was enough.

01:44Yours was the tea.

01:46Pie at the day.

01:49What a good-natured, warm, intelligent chest that girl's got.

01:53Did you notice?

01:54Hmm.

01:56There's only three in here.

01:57I'll do those.

01:58Will you do that agency?

02:00Hmm, all right.

02:01Anything in those?

02:03No.

02:04Oh, look at that.

02:07When did you last see an overweight canary phoning up his friends?

02:11What?

02:12What is it about advertisers?

02:14Sex and twaddle is all they can think of.

02:16I suppose sooner or later we'll have the ultimate advert.

02:19Busby making love to Raquel Welch.

02:21I should make the post office a multinational

02:25and put Mary Whitehouse in intensive care.

02:29I haven't been flattened by hordes of lust-crazed Amazons

02:32on account of this aftershave I'm wearing, either.

02:35Bloody hell, Shelley.

02:36What are you going on about now?

02:37Advertisers.

02:38Treat us all like a bunch of sex-obsessed infants.

02:40I mean, look at this girl.

02:42Traipsing about in a hopelessly inadequate bikini

02:45to plug do-it-yourself gear.

02:47She could be flogging anything.

02:49Anything.

02:50Perfume, vodka, chocolates, somepoil?

02:55OK, I know some people are turned on by some pretty odd things.

02:59What she's got to do with ready-cut plasterboard is beyond me.

03:03Dear God in heaven, it's Sandra Ferguson.

03:06It isn't.

03:07Looks like her.

03:08So it is.

03:10Well, well, she hasn't changed much, has she?

03:13No.

03:16What on earth you were doing with her, Shelley, I'll never know.

03:18Oh, it was a simple, God-fearing male chauvinist pig in those days.

03:22She made the hormones dance.

03:23And now her underdressed baby feeders are flogging loft insulation

03:27and polythixotropic adhesion aggregate.

03:31Nice to see your friend's talents being put to good use.

03:35Well, delightful though it would be to spend the morning discussing your ex-affairs,

03:39I think it's time we found somewhere to live.

03:41I really want to get on with some writing.

03:43How's it going?

03:44Awful.

03:45I mean, even Jane Austen would find it difficult to write a novel in a two-room flat with four people.

03:49Yeah.

03:50Pity Michael came back.

03:52Well, it is his flat.

03:53He's been very good.

03:55We can't sleep on his floor much longer.

03:57I don't see why not.

03:58Oh, Shelley, we can't.

04:00It's so embarrassing.

04:01No, it isn't.

04:02We always wait till he's asleep.

04:06He's only pretending.

04:07He isn't.

04:08Well, he must be sometimes.

04:10Dirty bugger.

04:13We could stay at your mother's place.

04:15Oh, no.

04:16Can't stand her poncy boyfriend.

04:18They're not there.

04:19Poncy little house painter.

04:21House restorer.

04:23They're skiing in Scotland.

04:24Typical.

04:24I suppose he goes on safari in Windsor Great Park and scuba diving in Whitestone Ponds.

04:30Well, we could stay there for two weeks.

04:32No, there's no point, is there?

04:33We've got to find somewhere sometime.

04:35These early mornings are killing me.

04:37Well, it is 10.30.

04:39Oh, God.

04:40I've got to click the gyro.

04:41Why don't they post that?

04:43Well, I had to give a false address.

04:49You'd have to go a long way for coffee like that.

04:51Oh, thank you, sir.

04:53Like a motorway service station.

04:54You should have signed at nine this morning, Mr Shelley.

05:08Had to drive my mother to work.

05:10Oh, really?

05:11What sort of work does your mother do?

05:13Foreman on a building site.

05:16Mr Shelley.

05:17She has to be driven, you see, on account of her wooden leg.

05:21I'm glad to see your sense of humour hasn't deserted you, Mr Shelley.

05:24How is it that a 28-year-old, intelligent, educated man like yourself managed to remain unemployed for so long?

05:30Well, it's just a knack.

05:31Anyone could do it.

05:33According to this, you took a degree in geography and a PhD.

05:36And since then, you've never worked at all except for a holiday job as a beanpacker.

05:39Working on my biography, eh?

05:44Do you know how many people are unemployed in this country?

05:47After seasonal adjustment, 1,312,000.

05:52Quite.

05:54Many of them without your qualifications.

05:56Desperate for a job.

05:57Do you want me to take a job away from one of them?

06:00You're a nutcase, Mr Shelley.

06:02Hey, you want to be less rude to your regulars, mate.

06:04It's us hardcore layabouts.

06:06It's your bread and butter.

06:07Mr Shelley.

06:08I mean, we have to put up with a lot, you know.

06:10All these kids, right out of school, still wet behind their punk hairstyles and straight on the dole at the full rate.

06:16No differentials at all.

06:19Very hard for us senior men to take.

06:22Now, once the government gets the economy rolling again, and it won't be long now,

06:26the politicians were almost optimistic about it during the election.

06:29Once that's happened, all these weekend layabouts will be swept away and they'll do a beaching on these places.

06:35Oh, yes, you mark my words.

06:36There'll be grass where you're standing and a queue of young trendies buying them up for middle-class housing.

06:41And you people will be the only people unemployed.

06:44Then you'll be sorry.

06:46As you watch the pigs flying about in the trees.

06:48By the way...

06:49Mr...

06:52Forsyth.

06:54Bruce?

06:57Alan.

06:58Alan Forsyth.

06:59How do you do?

07:00Now, as I've been signing here regularly now for...

07:0369 weeks.

07:04As you say, 69 weeks.

07:07I wondered if I qualified for holiday pay.

07:11Mr. Shelley.

07:12Call me James.

07:13Nobody ever does.

07:14Mr. Shelley.

07:14In lieu, you see, because I didn't get a chance to go away this year.

07:17Why don't we post this to you?

07:19Ah, well, where I live, the mail gets stolen.

07:21Uh-huh.

07:22According to this, you live with your mother.

07:24She's a kleptomaniac.

07:25Which is a drag, because with a wooden leg, she's not too hot on the getaways.

07:32Say, you couldn't manage a bit more, could you?

07:35No?

07:36How about a productivity deal?

07:37I sign on twice a week.

07:39Fill in a couple of extra C-17s.

07:41Goodbye, Mr. Shelley.

07:43Bye-bye now.

07:44I'll see you next week.

07:45If I'm spared.

07:46If you could sign on at the proper time, it would help us.

07:49I know it must be a strain, week in and week out.

07:51But if it's no trouble, I'm sorry to ask.

07:53You sure you're not, Bruce Forsyth?

07:55I'm sorry.

08:06Yes, sir.

08:08What can I do for you?

08:09I'd like a small flat.

08:11For me and my wife.

08:12Sorry, sir.

08:13Nothing in at the moment.

08:14Nothing at all.

08:15Sorry, sir.

08:16But the other guy just...

08:17Awfully sorry.

08:18Look in again.

08:20Yeah.

08:26Yes, sir.

08:26Can I help?

08:28Oh, well, I gather not.

08:29I want the same as him.

08:31Sit down, sir.

08:32Flat for you and your wife.

08:33Girlfriend.

08:34Small flat.

08:34Big bedsit.

08:35Well, let's see what we can do.

08:37Yes, but I just heard you say to be a...

08:38I have to match the tenant to the accommodation, sir.

08:41That's my job.

08:43Name?

08:45James Shelley.

08:47And what do you do for a living?

08:50I'm unemployed.

08:51Civil servant.

08:58References?

08:59What?

09:00Present landlord.

09:01Oh, well, um...

09:03Say you live with your mother.

09:04That's safest.

09:07Personal references.

09:09Ah, uh...

09:11If you have any trouble,

09:14give them our tenant's number.

09:15Say you've known Mr. Hutchings for years.

09:18I'll sort it out.

09:19I see.

09:19Mr. Hutchings.

09:21For you and your girlfriend.

09:23Yes.

09:25You're not planning a family, are you?

09:27No.

09:29Jolly good.

09:30That's all right.

09:33Perhaps I'd better pop out

09:35and have the operation first,

09:36just to go and see.

09:40Surprised you haven't got facilities on the premises.

09:45Here we are.

09:47Complete list.

09:48Sign here.

09:50If we find you somewhere,

09:52we charge you two weeks' rent.

09:54That's against the law.

09:56Mustn't let ourselves be hidebound by bureaucracy.

09:59Mustn't let us sit, must we.

10:06Hello.

10:08Oh, Mr. Hutchings speaking.

10:13Known him for years.

10:15Most reliable.

10:16Honest, quiet fellow.

10:18Can't speak too highly of him.

10:21Oh, not at all.

10:22Bye.

10:23Where did you say you were employed, Mr. Shelley?

10:37Lovely pullover.

10:39Oh, thank you.

10:41Is that genuine acrylic?

10:42Yes, a hundred po-

10:45What?

10:47I'm on the government payroll.

10:48Oh, really?

10:50What department?

10:51Department of the Employment.

10:52What, the one just down the road from here?

10:54Yes, that's it.

10:55Oh, well, that would be convenient for you then.

10:58What's your position with them?

11:00I'm involved in unemployment statistics.

11:05Oh, well, that's nice and steady then, isn't it?

11:09Certainly got a future anyway.

11:11Makes me boil all this unemployment.

11:13Isn't it dreadful?

11:14Half of them lay about.

11:16Getting money for nothing makes you sick.

11:18Oh, well, now, just a minute.

11:19And where are you living now?

11:21Uh, sorry?

11:22Well, in case I wanted a reference.

11:24Oh, I live with my mum.

11:25Ah.

11:27Well, why are you looking...

11:27I mean, that is, I did.

11:28I mean, she died.

11:30Oh, I'm sorry.

11:32Oh, I'm dreadful for you.

11:34Well, a release in some ways.

11:35Her leg gave it a lot of trouble, you know.

11:38Do you want this flat for yourself?

11:40Yes.

11:40Oh, fine.

11:41And my wife.

11:43Ah.

11:44Well, it's quite a small flat.

11:45Oh, we're very close.

11:48Yes, but...

11:49I mean, you know, we just like to live together.

11:51If possible.

11:52I mean, I think that's nice, that.

11:54Don't you?

11:54Oh, well, of course.

11:55I mean, you're married, are you?

11:56Well, yes.

11:57And your husband who lives here, does he?

11:59Well, yes.

12:00There you are, I see.

12:00Case in point.

12:03Yeah, but Mr Shelley...

12:04Actually, she's not my wife.

12:06Pardon?

12:07Fran.

12:08Look, Mr Shelley...

12:09Common law.

12:09No, I'm not worried about that.

12:11Well, it is a double bed.

12:12Yes.

12:13Pity to waste it.

12:15I say, is that moulding coming away?

12:18What?

12:19It can be expensive in these old houses, too.

12:22Mr Shelley...

12:22Call me, James.

12:23Nobody ever does.

12:24Mr Shelley...

12:25Oh, no, all that needs is a spot of polythix high yield.

12:29What?

12:30Polythixotropic high yield adhesion aggregate.

12:32Wonderful stuff.

12:33I should get that looked at quickly, before it spreads.

12:37Get what looked at?

12:38Yes, that and a bit of ready-cut plasterboard there, perhaps.

12:41Well, you know about those things, do you?

12:43Oh, I was reading about it only today, oddly enough.

12:45Keeping abreast of developments, as it were.

12:48Don't let them charge you too much, mind.

12:50Hardly anything needs doing, at the moment.

12:53What?

12:53You done decorating and that, then?

12:55Trained as a house restorer.

12:56Oh, sorry.

12:58No, no, that's not serious.

13:00The point is...

13:02No, I'm sorry.

13:03Well, I did want to let it to a single person.

13:07Oh, of course, I quite understand.

13:08But I really don't seem...

13:09Thank you very much.

13:10It's a very nice flat.

13:11No, well, look, I mean...

13:12I hope you find a nice tenant for it.

13:14Thanks.

13:14Bye-bye, now.

13:15No, no, wait a minute.

13:15Mr Shelley!

13:17Yes?

13:18Well, I mean...

13:19Oh, I think it will be all right.

13:22If you like it, that is.

13:26Well...

13:26Tell you what.

13:30Yes?

13:31Well, I do have a couple of other places to see.

13:33Oh, yes, of course.

13:35Now, why don't I come back about six with Fran,

13:37give you a chance to think things over.

13:38Yeah, all right.

13:39Then you can meet her.

13:40Of course, yes.

13:41She can meet you.

13:42Yes, yes.

13:44I mean, I wouldn't want to pressure you in any way.

13:46No, no.

13:46Well, I think that's very nice of you.

13:50Not at all.

13:51Well, I'll see you about six, then.

13:52Yeah.

13:54Oh, and take my word for it.

13:56What?

13:57There's nothing wrong with that moulding.

13:59Oh.

14:16This is the room.

14:26Thank you, Mr. Patel.

14:36Don't tell me.

14:37Your great-great-grandmother died in there

14:39and hasn't been touched since.

14:42You're a very funny man.

14:44Please go in.

14:45Shouldn't we send a canary in first?

14:47Please?

14:49No, it must be all right.

14:50The rats look healthy, you know.

14:51What was this place?

14:57A reject depot for Oxfam shops.

15:00Now I show you everything.

15:02This is making hot water.

15:06I saw one once in a science museum.

15:09I'm sorry?

15:10This place is squalid.

15:12No, no, no.

15:13It is only leading smartening up.

15:15And I don't mind if you decorate it.

15:21What with?

15:21Cave painting?

15:23And this is the cooker.

15:26Oh, Fanny Carrick used to live here, did she?

15:29What?

15:29Look, I don't want to waste your time.

15:30I'm sure you've got a lot more tombs to open.

15:32I'll just be on my way.

15:34You don't want to live here?

15:36I wouldn't let a pig live here, mate.

15:39Please, no pigs.

15:41It is not right for my village.

15:44What are you, a Satanist?

15:46I was making only the joke.

15:49Oh.

15:50I mean, what's this heap of refuse?

15:53This is the bed.

15:55Sheets provided.

15:56Oh, sheets.

15:58What poor sod was desperate enough to sleep here?

16:01Lord Lucan?

16:05What's that smell in the house?

16:06Oh, this is only today.

16:07The man downstairs has brought some work home.

16:10What is he, a grave robber?

16:12No, no.

16:13He's making photographs.

16:14And it is a chemical only.

16:16I will talk to him.

16:18Well, Mr Patel, I've seen a lot of places today, but I think, on balance, this is the worst.

16:23Oh, no!

16:24Competition has been fierce, mind you.

16:27But I think you've actually achieved uninhabitability here.

16:32It is very cheap, this room.

16:34I wouldn't take this room if it included a pension and a supply of naked women.

16:40Oh, yes.

16:41Any woman you like to stay here.

16:43I have no morals.

16:44Coffee, please.

16:55Medium roast Colombian.

16:59You were having a go at me.

17:01What?

17:03Trolleyism.

17:05Find out what it meant.

17:06It's with free, innit?

17:11Dirty sod.

17:17Well, no, it's not actually with...

17:18Nothing to do with sausage toad.

17:23It is a tenuous connection.

17:25Diagrammatic rather than actual.

17:27Quite enough, a dirty word.

17:29You know, you're wasted here.

17:32A girl with your talents could be shifting plasterboard by the truckload.

17:37Are you going to get my coffee today or tomorrow?

17:40And a raven goes on about men like you.

17:42I've never met the woman.

17:43You think sex is dirty, don't you?

17:49With luck, if you work at it.

17:52Yeah, I suppose you're right.

17:55I don't know.

17:57Here.

17:57Now, was that your girlfriend you were with?

18:00Don't sit too close.

18:01The aftershave may rob you of your reason.

18:04Only, I was quite interested in what you were saying, see.

18:08What do you do for a living?

18:10I'm a freelance layabout.

18:13Thinking of chucking it, though, competition's fierce these days.

18:16You've nearly wiped the bloom off that tomato.

18:18Oh, you have to keep them clean or the sauce runs down the side.

18:22They're an emblem of our generation, you know.

18:24No other age could have produced that.

18:26I mean, you can't see one of those nestling between the Adam candlesticks on a Chippendale sideboard, can you?

18:32Or being passed down the table at the Last Supper.

18:35No, this is genuine artefact.

18:38The 60s tomato.

18:40People will collect these in years to come.

18:42Sotheby's will auction them by the truss.

18:44I suppose they are good.

18:50I once wrote, I love you with one of those.

18:52All over Mary Hamilton's chips.

18:55What's Mary Hamilton?

18:56Ah, the first of many women to whom I wished to devote my life.

18:59I was 13 at the time.

19:01Fortunately, her life was devoted to chips.

19:03She noticed neither the message nor its author.

19:06She married a potato farmer.

19:08Died of obesity in 1974.

19:10She didn't.

19:12Nah.

19:12But I like my stories to have happy endings.

19:15Tell me one thing.

19:16Do people always have to talk to you for half an hour to get a cup of coffee?

19:20Or is the aftershave belatedly coming into its own?

19:22Right, I'll go and get it.

19:27I've only got one pair of eggs, you know.

19:32Shelley, I've got somewhere.

19:34Yeah?

19:35Bedsit and kitchen.

19:36So have I. Where?

19:37Just round here, Pangloss Road.

19:40Not Mrs Hawkins.

19:41Yeah, how do you know?

19:42I got it as well.

19:44No, you didn't.

19:46You got the keys?

19:47Paid two weeks' rent.

19:48But Shelley, I had to.

19:50I couldn't risk losing it.

19:51I've left a bag there, so we can't be got out now.

19:53The room on the first floor?

19:54Yeah.

19:55I don't understand.

19:55She's keeping that room for me.

19:57I'm to go back at six to show it to you.

19:59It's nice, isn't it?

20:00Yes, it'll do.

20:02I've been trying to do better all day.

20:04No luck?

20:05No.

20:05A few paleolithic bedsits.

20:08Hammer film set in Wilsdon.

20:11Do you tell her about me?

20:12I never tell anyone about you.

20:15Listen, I think we ought to get round there.

20:17Have you eaten?

20:18What? No.

20:18I'm starving.

20:19Fran, there's something wrong.

20:20Shelly, we've got the place.

20:22We can't be got out.

20:23No, I suppose not.

20:25I say.

20:28Could we have some toad in the hole?

20:30Don't you start for gold's sake!

20:38Nice bed.

20:40Yeah.

20:42Here you are.

20:43Ta.

20:43We're going to do this place up, Shelly.

20:50Well?

20:51Well, we're likely to be here for a bit.

20:54There's a do-it-yourself shop on the corner.

20:55You could get the gear and renew your acquaintance with Sandra Ferguson at the same time.

21:00I've gone off her.

21:01I've been stirred by memories of Mary Hamilton since then.

21:04Who's she?

21:05A simple-minded chip freak.

21:09To whom I once declared myself in letters of blood.

21:12Well, I hope I'm the exception among your women.

21:14Oh, you are.

21:15All the others were lookers.

21:19Give us a kiss to be going on with.

21:21Oh, God, that aftershave's disgusting.

21:24Come here.

21:24Shelly, Mrs. Hawkins will be up in a minute.

21:26Well, she'll have to wait her turn.

21:27I can only manage one at a time.

21:30That's not what you told that waitress.

21:34There you are.

21:35What did I tell you?

21:39Everything all right, then, is it, Frances?

21:41Fine, thanks, Mrs. Hawkins.

21:42Come and meet my boyfriend.

21:45What the hell are you doing here?

21:48This is the lady who's not my wife, Mrs. Hawkins.

21:51You can bugger off out of it.

21:54Mrs. Hawkins, this is my boyfriend.

21:56Him?

21:57It's all off.

21:58What?

21:59You're a con man, you are.

22:01I'm sorry?

22:02I phoned the Labour about you.

22:05Asked them for a reference.

22:06You did what?

22:08I know all about you.

22:09They'd never tell you.

22:10Spoke to a Mr. Alan Forsyth.

22:13Ah.

22:14He told me all about you.

22:16Everything.

22:17He was very helpful.

22:18Mrs. Hawkins, you see...

22:19And the do-it-yourself shop on the corner

22:21has never heard of Polly Drop's aggravated glue.

22:25What?

22:26Well, he was cracking on the house was falling down

22:28and he could fix it.

22:30Told me he was a house restorer.

22:31Yes, you see, I'm very sorry, Mrs. Hawkins,

22:33but I'm a compulsive liar.

22:34No, you're not, Shelley.

22:35Don't tell lies.

22:39Telling me your mother was dead.

22:41Dead?

22:42She's skiing, Mrs. Hawkins.

22:44Now, don't you start.

22:46In Scotland.

22:47Oh, no, she isn't.

22:48She is, Mrs. Hawkins.

22:49How can she go skiing with a wooden leg?

22:52What?

22:53Well, I'm sorry, love, but it's all off.

22:56I'm not having any bloody useless layabouts in this house.

22:59I'm very sorry, Mrs. Hawkins,

23:01but if you're going to be rude,

23:02I'm afraid I shall have to ask you to vacate our room.

23:06May?

23:07For your information, Mr. High and Mighty,

23:10this does happen to be my house.

23:11Ah, yes, you see,

23:12but we've taken possession of this bit.

23:14What?

23:15You've issued keys.

23:16Eh?

23:17And accepted rent.

23:19That's right, Mrs. Hawkins, we've moved in.

23:22Oh, no, you haven't.

23:24Demonstrably, we have, Mrs. Hawkins.

23:26You haven't heard the last of this.

23:34Fran?

23:35What?

23:36Is this tea or coffee?

23:37No.

23:43Oh, no, you haven't heard the last of this.

Shelley (1979) S01E01 - Moving In

Category

Transcript

Shelley 1979 - Complete - Hywel Bennett comedy

Recommended