- 17/05/2025
Complete playlist:
https://dailymotion.com/playlist/x9np9k
https://dailymotion.com/playlist/x9np9k
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00You
01:14Bancy game of drafts?
01:16No.
01:17Chess?
01:18No.
01:19Dominos?
01:21No.
01:22Nor do I want to play poker, Monopoly, Postman's Nook, badminton, water polo, croquet, indoor cricket,
01:29snap, ice hockey, strip poker or American football?
01:34How about Trivial Pursuit?
01:36No!
01:37Well, why not?
01:38Because last time we had a game, you insisted that despite what it said on the card,
01:43Out of Africa could have won the 1985 Oscar on the grounds that it was crap.
01:48You also insisted that Scott was first to the South Pole because Amundsen cheated and
01:55that the former name of Istanbul wasn't Constantinople but Karsytown.
02:00Because that's what your uncle used to call it when he was stationed there after World War One.
02:09Exactly.
02:10He hit his dogs.
02:12What?
02:13Amundsen.
02:14When his huskies got tired, he hit them.
02:15That's not fair.
02:16I'm sure if Scott's ponies had died, he'd have buried them and given them a decent funeral.
02:24And sent a telegram to their next of kin.
02:27Ted, this doesn't alter the fact that Amundsen made it to the South Pole first.
02:32Then he should have been disqualified.
02:35What?
02:36And made to go back and do it again?
02:38Anyhow, it's not me that cheats.
02:40What about the George Best question?
02:42Yes, well, I still think his great achievement in 1968 was being voted European Footballer
02:47of the Year.
02:48Not getting his leg over with Miss World.
02:53It's what's written on the card after all.
02:56You can't trust the cards.
02:58You see why I won't play with you.
03:00Whatever the game, it's the same.
03:01You're the only person I've ever known to introduce the offside rule playing drafts.
03:06The trouble with you is that you're too set in your ways.
03:11When I got a youngster for a lodger, I thought, oh, life might get a bit lively.
03:16People to meet, places to go.
03:19Instead, I have to get a surgeon to separate you from the armchair.
03:23I haven't got long to go.
03:26Gonna kick the bucket through boredom at this rate.
03:29I doubt that.
03:30Your battle with the developers seems to be keeping you pretty busy.
03:34I'm just one old man against the might of the multinationals.
03:37You're not doing too badly.
03:39I seem to remember that the signs for the lorries delivering gravel used to point to the site entrance and not the Catholic Church car park.
03:49Oh, they're dumping stuff there, are they?
03:52That could prove a bit interesting.
03:54Hmm.
03:55That's a change from the beer garden down the pub.
03:58What's that?
03:59Oh, ignore it.
04:00There'll only be somebody after our money.
04:02Oh, it's that Yankee mate of yours.
04:05What's his name?
04:06Phil.
04:07I told you it was somebody after our money.
04:10OK.
04:11Shall we?
04:12Hi.
04:13Phil.
04:14What was George Best's great achievement in 1968?
04:18Getting his leg over with Miss World, wouldn't it?
04:21Hey, I got some news that's really gonna surprise you.
04:24You got that fiver you owe me?
04:26I'm getting married in two days' time.
04:28Again?
04:31Thank you for your congratulations.
04:33Congratulations.
04:34Yes, congratulations.
04:36So who's number four?
04:38Who's the lucky woman who's gonna spend the next five or six months of her life with you?
04:43I'll ignore that, Shelley.
04:45She's Amanda.
04:46Amanda Rose Scott.
04:47We met three weeks ago.
04:48That's a bit of a short engagement.
04:50Longer than some of the marriages have lasted.
04:53Sorry, Phil.
04:54I hope you'll be very happy.
04:56So, uh, do we get an invite to the wedding, then?
04:59Well, I hope so.
05:00Could be our only chance to meet her.
05:05I was gonna ask you to be my best man.
05:07Oh, that'd be nice.
05:09They always get to bonk a bridesmaid.
05:14Ignore him.
05:15It's his day out of the home.
05:18Best man.
05:19I hope you can do it.
05:20It's in a registry office in two days' time.
05:22Two days' time.
05:23So who was first choice as best man?
05:25Well, you were, of course.
05:26I haven't given any invitations out yet.
05:28It's all been very rushed.
05:29She's pregnant, then?
05:30No, she is not pregnant.
05:32Oh, she thought she was pregnant.
05:34No.
05:35Look, I just met her, and it happened between us, and I think she's the one.
05:39The woman who's gonna live with me forever and bear my children.
05:42Oh, so she's pregnant after all?
05:44No, she is not pregnant!
05:46God.
05:48Now, will you be my best man?
05:50I'd love to.
05:51Oh, great.
05:52Her family's doing this big reception afterwards.
05:54Oh, good.
05:55It's about time we went somewhere.
05:57Ah, you see, we are a bit pressed for numbers.
06:00Oh, it's all right.
06:01I like small parties.
06:03Yes, I think Phil's saying he's not inviting you.
06:07Oh, I see.
06:09After the fiver I lent you last week?
06:11It's her family organising it.
06:12Yes, it's all right.
06:13I know, yes.
06:14Yes, us old people do get in the way, I suppose.
06:17Ted.
06:18Put a damper on the proceedings.
06:19No, no, it's not that.
06:20Of course, it might be the last wedding I get a chance to go to, but no.
06:23Ted.
06:24No, I understand.
06:25If you've got your own lives to lead an old man's happiness...
06:27All right, all right, all right, you can come.
06:30It's Saturday at 12.
06:32I'm not sure I can make that.
06:36Let me see.
06:37Yes, I can just fit it in.
06:44Well, that's a relief.
06:56I still don't see why you needed to come to a rehearsal.
06:59I am an observer of human life, Shelley.
07:02I like to watch the rich fabric of social communications.
07:07That, and I might pull one of the aunts.
07:11Hi, Shelley.
07:12Hi, Ted.
07:13Oh, it's all right, it's all right.
07:14I will circulate.
07:16Oh, God, lock up your mothers.
07:18Look, I'm sorry about all this rehearsing.
07:21They're a family with no money, but a lot of heirs and graces to support,
07:24so to them, this wedding's kind of a big deal.
07:27To some people, weddings are.
07:30Yeah.
07:31Look, all this stuff about me being married a lot.
07:34Maybe, uh, Amanda.
07:36This is my old friend, James Shelley.
07:38Pleased to meet you.
07:40Congratulations, and you.
07:42Oh, God, here comes the Oberfuhrer.
07:44She's really beginning to get on my nerves.
07:47And this is Vanessa, Amanda's mother.
07:49You haven't met my best man, James Shelley?
07:51No, I haven't.
07:53Hello.
07:55You know, when I first met her, I thought she was Amanda's sister.
07:57Did you, Philip?
07:59Well, it's very good of you to come, Mr Shelley, nearly on time.
08:02I mean, this is a wedding, not a military exercise.
08:06With you to organise, dear, it's a military exercise.
08:09Oh!
08:10Children sometimes wonder if they're worth the stretch marks.
08:15Now, Mr Shelley, Philip tells me you're something in the city.
08:19Does he?
08:20Oh, yes, I'm a consultant in leisure.
08:23Are you?
08:25Well, we had rather hope for a barrister as best man, as they do make such good speeches,
08:29but I'm sure you'll enunciate better on the day.
08:32We do have a retired general, two honourables and a hereditary peer coming.
08:36Well, in that case, I'll speak very slowly and use only words of one syllable.
08:41Really?
08:42And, of course, you'll wear a mourning dress, won't you?
08:44Now, do you have any medals?
08:45I think I've still got my Milky Bar Kid membership badge.
08:50Really?
08:51I've been trying to persuade Philip to wear his Vietnam decorations.
08:55His what?
08:57I haven't told Shelley about that.
08:59I don't like to mention these things.
09:01Can't say I've noticed.
09:03Well, we'd better get on with the rehearsal. Come along, Philip.
09:10That's the mother, then.
09:11Mmm, Mrs Rose Scott.
09:13I think she was trained in a Prussian military academy.
09:16Her husband was a Major.
09:18A Major Pratt, if he married her.
09:20He's passed on to a better place.
09:23After Mrs Rose Scott, anywhere would be a better place.
09:26Now, where's Phil the lying git?
09:32Vietnam decoration.
09:34Hi, everyone!
09:35Too late.
09:36Now, from the top, we arrive here, from the registry office, at 1315 hours.
09:43Your names are marked in different colours, which correspond to the number of your limousines.
09:48Now, please, please tell your drivers not to overtake each other, so that you arrive in the correct order at the hall.
09:54Then, at 2055 hours, the two ushers not carrying the cake, you know who you are, approach the top table, followed by the groom and the chief bridesmaid bowing slightly to Sir Murray as you go by.
10:10What have I let myself in for?
10:14Best man to an American who's allergic to the truth, accompanied by a randy OAP, and a mother no-one should be subject to without an anaesthetic.
10:24Oh, God, she's looking at me.
10:27Just smile.
10:29Or should I salute?
10:32She's still staring.
10:34My fly's undone.
10:38Mr Shelley, you're not paying attention.
10:40I would remind you not to go to the registry office first, because we are rendezvousing here 45 minutes beforehand, which should allow for people with timekeeping problems.
10:49I'll see anyone with questions now.
10:53Ah, Phil.
10:56Shelley, hi.
10:57James, I'm sorry Mum is such a martinet.
11:00Yes, I think she had her heart set on a church wedding.
11:03But, of course, we can't do that, as Phil's so wicked he's already been married twice.
11:08What?
11:10Well, you didn't know?
11:12I seem to remember now you mention it.
11:14By the way, you've seen pictures of Phil's children?
11:17Oh, yes.
11:19How many?
11:21Well, all three.
11:22Oh, good, that's a relief.
11:24Anyhow, I'd better help Bo de Cia.
11:28What's the idea, Phil?
11:30At least if you're going to tell a pack of porkies, let me know.
11:33They're only white lies.
11:34White lies? They're great red neon flashing lies.
11:37You've lost a marriage in the 24 hours since I saw you.
11:41Oh, that was a short one.
11:43Oh, come on, what's a wife between friends?
11:45But you're lying to her.
11:47Now, Mandy wouldn't mind. It's that mother.
11:49She thinks one divorce makes me a cross between Bluebeard and Cecil Parkinson.
11:53What about all these war medals?
11:56Well, they're a military family. I thought I should have a Vietnam record.
11:59Your Vietnam record was going to San Francisco with a flower in your hair.
12:04The nearest you ever got to Vietnam was the Saigon takeaway.
12:08Okay, so I exaggerated.
12:11Exaggerated? You were a draft dodger.
12:15What medal did you claim you got?
12:17Only a Purple Heart. For being wounded.
12:20Wounded? How?
12:21Burnt fingers from setting fire to your draft card?
12:24Hey, people change.
12:26You don't?
12:28Of good mind not to turn up.
12:29Oh, Shelley, please, no, please, please do this, yeah?
12:32This marriage means a lot to me, and you're my best pal.
12:35I just want you standing up there next to me.
12:38All right.
12:40So, did you get all that, Mr Shelley?
12:42Yes. Should we synchronise watches now?
12:45What a good idea.
12:47Well, I'm sure you'll do as well as you can.
12:49Can't be easy taking over as best man at such short notice.
12:51Taking over?
12:53Such a pity Simon couldn't do it.
12:56Now, he is a barrister.
12:58Well, I'll leave you.
12:59I'm sure you and Philip have got lots to talk about.
13:05Lots.
13:21You're not a distant relative of President Nixon's, are you?
13:33Come on, Shelley, you really were first choice's best man.
13:36It's just that Simon had more...
13:38Medals?
13:40Give me a break. It's difficult dealing with a family like Amanda's.
13:43They're prejudiced against you if you've got a chin.
13:46And if you're American, they really give you a hard time.
13:49Understandable, really.
13:50I didn't mean to lie.
13:52I just didn't want to disappoint them.
13:54And it sort of slipped out without my realising.
13:57Must be that bit of shrapnel lodged in your brain.
14:01That what?
14:03From the Vietnam War, remember?
14:05So, any good brides, mate?
14:08Well, I've only slept with three so far.
14:10I've booked the rest in for tomorrow.
14:12Now, how are you getting on with the upper-class ants?
14:15Oh, very well. They like a bit of rough trade.
14:17Heaven help us.
14:18Heaven help us.
14:20They seem to like you, though. I don't know why.
14:22Well, probably because he told them he was the son of a Texas oil millionaire.
14:27Is he going on about honesty again?
14:29Yes! What's happened to it? I blame politicians.
14:31If Mrs. Thatcher's nose had grown an inch for every porky she's told, we'd already have a bridge across the channel.
14:42You don't understand. You don't have to be entirely honest. Half truths are like half bricks. They fly further.
14:53You should have told Amanda the truth. How would you like it if she lied to you?
14:56I just know she wouldn't.
14:58Anyway, Shelly, she can't be that innocent. Nobody can be when they spend time in prison.
15:04Exactly, Ted.
15:08What did you say?
15:09After the time she spent in prison?
15:12Oh, that. Yeah. For the, uh...
15:16Drug smuggling.
15:18Yes, of course. The, uh... drug smuggling?
15:22Marijuana.
15:24Oh, marijuana. Yeah, well, of course smuggling. That's not very serious.
15:26Tis if it's a mobile home fool.
15:31She was lucky to get away with two years.
15:34Yeah, that's, uh, that's what she thinks.
15:37Come off it, Phil. You didn't know, did you?
15:40Didn't know? Of course I did. We've often just...
15:43No, I didn't know.
15:44Who told you this?
15:46One of the aunts.
15:47It's meant to be a family secret, but I think she'd been at the sherry.
15:51It's definitely true.
15:53It's incredible. The lies people tell you.
15:55Oh, it must come as a shock to you, Reverend Farms.
15:59Yeah, but my lies were... smaller.
16:02Do you know what else the aunt said?
16:03Oh, my God, what?
16:05That she nearly had an affair with Mussolini.
16:07Amanda?
16:09No, the aunt.
16:11In Rome, before the war, he made a pass at her.
16:14But she turned him down.
16:15One of his mistresses told her that he was no great shakes between the sheets.
16:19Apparently the trains were about the only thing that did come on time.
16:22We are, as a matter of fact, talking about my marriage.
16:26I'm not. I'm talking about Mussolini.
16:29Charlie, I don't know what to think.
16:30Sounds like you need a bit of advice from your best man.
16:31I sure do.
16:32Right, what's Simon's telephone number?
16:34Come on, this is serious.
16:36Well, maybe it's not that bad.
16:37I mean, it's understandable she was too embarrassed to tell you.
16:39Yeah, I guess.
16:40And this explains her being damaged goods, why the family don't mind Phil marrying her.
16:43Ted, have you ever thought of a job as a marriage guidance counselor?
16:47Or just putting a sock in it?
16:48All right, all right. All right, I'll keep quiet.
16:50Ignore me, I'm not here.
16:51I don't know. I guess I can see why she did it now. She was just frightened of losing me.
17:00And we shouldn't judge people for mistakes they made a long time ago.
17:05It was a long time ago, wasn't it?
17:07Don't look at me. I'm not supposed to say anything.
17:12Ted.
17:13I'm sorry I didn't catch you.
17:15and we shouldn't judge people for mistakes they made a long time ago
17:20it was a long time ago wasn't it don't know me I'm not supposed to say anything
17:26Ted I'm sorry I didn't catch that how long ago was it tell him I need to know please
17:36please Mr. Bishop please Mr. Bishop eight years ago
17:44that's a long time yes and the conviction for manslaughter was nearly three years ago now
17:50what oh yeah very funny so what are you going to do I'll talk to her we'll clear the air
17:58it's important we both tell each other the truth I'll explain about Nam I'll tell her I never got
18:04a medal I'll just say I was mentioned in dispatches all right all right the truth
18:11have you got some aspirin this is really going to hurt
18:15is that a hat or did a pheasant she shoot land on her head
18:33oh no ready for inspection these are the telegrams for you to read out now where is Philip well I'm
18:41sure he's on his way he's 17 minutes late now you're not going to make a mess of this are you
18:47there's a retired general two honorables and a lord exactly he is 214th in line to the throne
18:56well if there's a very large explosion at Windsor Castle it could be his lucky day
19:00could it now your speech there's nothing untoward in it is there no no it's very toward oh yes he's
19:07cut out the joke about the foreign legionnaires and the camel oh you mean hurry up you don't want
19:13to get the ugly one yes well nothing like that aunt Philomena would be most upset
19:20aren't Philomena told at me she's a fascinating woman you know is she really now where has Philip
19:29got to we leave for the registry office in nine minutes well I honestly don't know anyway isn't
19:34it a tradition for the bridegroom not to see the bride before the marriage yes but it is also a
19:39tradition for him to turn up for the wedding you realize it's the best man's responsibility
19:44if he wouldn't would he no of course he wouldn't what am I saying of course he would I better have a
19:52talk with Amanda um excuse me could I have a word yes uh last night did uh you and Phil have a chat
20:03yes he came around oh good and uh you talked everything over no he left after a couple of
20:08minutes ah he said he had a headache oh is something wrong someone has finally got hold
20:17of Philip's landlord who said that Philip left in a taxi for the airport two hours ago now how do you
20:22explain that perhaps he was renting his suit from the Heathrow branch of Mossbros what's happened he's
20:29gone hasn't he I told you didn't I tell you he couldn't be trusted it's you who drove him away I'm not
20:36the one with the criminal record um be quiet yes shut up do you know something fascinating at the
20:42moment of ecstasy he used to shout Juventus for the cup what Mussolini Ted in Italian of course what
20:53are you blathering about oh see your best friend has just ruined my daughter's life now what do you
20:59plan to do about it me I've spent too much I am NOT going to cancel this wedding well you might be a
21:05bit short notice to scare up a new bridegroom now look there yes it's a telegram people send them for
21:12weddings yeah but not the groom it's from Phil well read the bloody thing sorry Amanda I should have
21:21had the guts to tell you last night but I suddenly realized how little we knew each other all my love
21:28despite everything Phil PS get Shelley to take my suit back to Mossbros if ever I catch him I shall nail his gonads to the floor
21:41I believe you don't you touch me I hold you personally responsible it's people like you who cause the muggings and then the immigrants and the litter of the dog mess and the decline of the point to point
21:59what about world war two AIDS and the sinking of the Titanic what look I am very sorry but what do you plan to do about it that's what I want to know
22:08excuse me the limo for the registry office it's outside well I'll sort this out at any rate um Ted uh come and give me a hand
22:18this isn't where I was booked to change of plan thank you very much
22:44what's that then Phil's morning suit he must have got someone to drop it off
23:07I think I'll burn it what a mess amazing that's one word for it fancy shouting you vent us for the cup
23:19will you stop going on about bloody Mussolini if only they'd been honest with each other well you
23:28weren't very honest about that limo that's different if we hadn't escaped then we'd have been spit roasted
23:33by the mother either that or pecked to death by a hat but those two why do they lie to each other
23:42because people do you can't expect anybody to be honest over little things it's the little things
23:48that count oh god st shelly's off again you get that will you I'm gonna make some tea
23:55hello ah no mrs. rose scott james shelley he move out three months ago
24:08hello
24:13hello
Recommended
25:07
|
Up next
24:51
24:45
24:37
24:54
25:06
25:22
25:40
23:57
24:04
24:58
25:06
24:35
24:38
24:35
25:12
24:30
24:48
23:48
24:47
24:46