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00:30Orange juice?
00:37Mmm?
00:39Mmm.
00:43Mmm.
00:44Breakfast?
00:46Mmm.
00:47Eggs, coffee, toast?
00:49Mmm.
00:51Okay.
00:52Why are you whispering?
00:54In case I wake you.
01:00Put my book down.
01:06Sorry.
01:07Oh, you really annoy me about that.
01:09I've told you I can't bear people seeing it before it's finished.
01:13You'll be the first to read it when it is finished.
01:15Until then, please have the common decency to leave it alone.
01:20You're awake, then?
01:23No, I just take an interest, you know.
01:25Interest? You've got a nose like a Jewish elephant.
01:28I'll get the breakfast.
01:30We could have some spinach with the eggs.
01:33What?
01:33Well, as we're going away, it'll go off.
01:36We might as well use it up.
01:37I hope you don't apply that principle too freely.
01:40There's mayonnaise, chocolate mousse, and Stilton in that fridge.
01:46Where are you going?
01:48No milk.
01:50Besides, I promised Sabu I'd meet him at the synagogue.
01:52You're open early.
02:02Been open an hour.
02:04Got any milk?
02:06Goats, Channel Islands, or vegetable?
02:10Channel Islands.
02:11Is this right?
02:2085p each?
02:22They're grown in compost.
02:28What are these grown in?
02:29Yeti droppings?
02:33Anything else?
02:34Yes, I'd like 6 eggs, please.
02:37How much are they?
02:3848p.
02:39For 6?
02:40Yes, they're free range.
02:42Free range what?
02:43Ospreys?
02:45Look, they're not ordinary eggs.
02:47I don't care whether they're a limited edition signed by the hen.
02:51I'll skip the eggs.
02:53Want to take a check for the milk?
02:5518p, please.
02:59Sally Oppenheim's got no idea what it's like up here at the front.
03:10What are you writing, Shelley?
03:13A love story.
03:15Go on.
03:16Yeah, The Eternal Triangle.
03:18All about this windscreen called Wendy.
03:20What?
03:21And there are two men in her life.
03:23Willie Wiper, who's wet and scratchy.
03:25And Walter Wiper, a gay young blade who's dry and a real smoothie.
03:31Now, Wendy just loves being wiped down by Walter, but she hates Willie.
03:35He's probably got bad breath as well.
03:38Are you all right?
03:40It's work.
03:41We've got a car components account.
03:44Actually, you could help me here, Max.
03:45Give me the female angle.
03:48Now, if you were a windscreen,
03:49I mean a really sexy bit of triple-zoned laminate,
03:52what would you look for in a wiper?
03:55I don't know.
03:57Why don't you ask Fran?
03:58Ah, she's too deeply into pure art just now to be bothered.
04:02Eh?
04:03She's writing a book.
04:05Oh, what about?
04:06Life.
04:07That's funny.
04:09What is?
04:10I was thinking about that only the other day.
04:13Uh-huh.
04:14I mean, I was thinking,
04:15what is it all about?
04:17The world and the stars and everything.
04:20And us.
04:20Well?
04:23What are we doing here?
04:25I'm writing plays about wiper blades.
04:27No, I don't mean that.
04:29I know what you mean, Mags.
04:31Well, what do you think?
04:32I don't.
04:33My mother warned me about thinking.
04:35If God had meant us to think,
04:36he'd have given us brains, she'd say.
04:38And she stroked my golden hair
04:40with a hand as white as arum lilies.
04:43What a woman.
04:44Was she very clever, Shelley?
04:46Thick as a cow pack.
04:47The mental capacity of a dead traffic warden.
04:54You say some terrible things.
04:56It's a gift.
04:57Never had a lesson in my life.
04:59She's still alive?
05:01She's in Scotland with her boyfriend.
05:03You're having me on.
05:04Oh, she's a young woman, you see.
05:06She had me very early.
05:07Very early indeed.
05:09Always says that's why I turned out so foul.
05:11Her eggs weren't ready.
05:12What does your father say about that?
05:18Not a lot.
05:19He died three years ago.
05:20Oh.
05:21Not that he could have said much.
05:23No, he ran off with our daily woman
05:24to celebrate my passing of the 11+.
05:27He felt that such academic precocity
05:29could only lead to a knighthood
05:31and a life of lotus-eating gentility.
05:34So, his responsibilities to me discharged.
05:36He left in search of a new life with Mrs Wilkins.
05:39I think you made half of this up.
05:41Only half?
05:42Not.
05:44So, did your mother bring you up?
05:46She likes to think so.
05:47In fact, in one so young motherhood of necessity
05:49jostled for place beside the agonies
05:51of her own adolescence.
05:53Motherhood came off a bad second.
05:56Then is the night I sat up with her
05:57sorting out her problems.
05:58You know, boyfriend spots,
06:00what to wear on dates.
06:03Holding her hand all night
06:05when Buddy Holly died.
06:07Nail varnishing the ladders
06:09in a Tangier beige 15 denier
06:11bear brand stockings.
06:13I think you ought to see a doctor.
06:15The real trouble started when the 60s began to swing.
06:19She espoused the cause of permissiveness
06:21with a revivalist fervour.
06:22In every way.
06:24At university, I spent half my grant
06:26bailing her out on pot smoking charges.
06:29She grows it to this day.
06:31Her flat's like Kew Gardens.
06:33Littered with grow bags of Lebanese gold
06:35wilting in the habitat spotlights.
06:37She gives it to people in tea.
06:39Vicar came round once.
06:40He's been back every day since.
06:43I think he thinks he had direct contact
06:45with head office.
06:47Ever after, his sermons gave the term
06:49high church a new meaning.
06:52Does she know you're getting married?
06:54Don't tell her.
06:54The disappointment will kill her.
06:57Oh, well, I must be off.
06:58If I come back alive,
07:01you can tell me about your mother.
07:03Where are you going?
07:04British West Midlands
07:05to meet the Komodo dragon.
07:07What?
07:09Fran's father.
07:10It's time to establish in-law relations.
07:17You're going to be famous?
07:19Well.
07:20The Erica Young of West Hampstead.
07:23So I don't know if I can cope with that.
07:25What?
07:25Well, if you became an internationally famous author
07:28while I'm still sweating over the song
07:30of the wiper blades.
07:34Suppose I'm slandered.
07:35What are you talking about?
07:37In the book.
07:39You're not in it.
07:41What?
07:42You're not in it.
07:43Why should you be?
07:45Well, you know,
07:45major influence in your life.
07:47Who?
07:48You?
07:48Yes, me, remember?
07:50The one that's related to the child
07:52you're going to have.
07:53Your father's son-in-law-to-be,
07:55the breakfast cooker.
07:57You could be, actually.
07:58I hadn't really thought.
08:00I could model the art teacher on you.
08:02Yeah?
08:03No, no, he's...
08:04What?
08:05Well, not really you.
08:07Uh-huh.
08:07I suppose he's too charming, witty,
08:09and stunning a lover to be me.
08:11Exactly.
08:13I could try you for the caretaker at the end.
08:15Yes, that would no doubt be
08:16the consummately boring mental defective
08:18with B.O. you mentioned.
08:19Yeah.
08:21The one with no taste in women.
08:24Tea of coffee.
08:26Coffee, please.
08:27One of each, please.
08:28Oh, excuse me.
08:32There's, uh...
08:33There's some dirt in this cup.
08:35That's the tea.
08:41What?
08:42The steward will be along in the minute
08:44with the hot water, sir.
08:47That's coffee?
08:48Yes, sir.
08:49How do you know?
08:50It's written on the cups.
08:52So it is.
08:55Do you see this, uh...
08:57pack of yellow polystyrene sandwiches?
08:59You what?
09:00I wonder if you could write
09:01cocoa down with asparagus tips on it.
09:03Fancy a good meal.
09:06You're a comedian, aren't you, sir?
09:07Written on my shirt, is it?
09:1030 pence, please.
09:12Yeah, I'll keep the change.
09:15Cool.
09:16Thank you very much, sir.
09:22What's the matter, Sherry?
09:25I'm nervous.
09:26I know.
09:27Why?
09:27Approaching the hall of the Mountain King.
09:30You're not frightened of him, surely?
09:32Well, I have a natural dislike
09:33of being loathed quite so violently.
09:36That is to say,
09:37that if you detest someone
09:38and they reciprocate warmly,
09:40you do not normally plan
09:41to spend the weekend together.
09:43Especially deep in enemy heartland.
09:45Your father and I
09:47have an admirably stable relationship
09:49based on mutual interest.
09:50given the chance,
09:51we'd each have the other
09:52tortured to death.
09:55Excuse me, sir.
09:57Thank you, madam.
10:01Is that real water?
10:04Afraid so, sir.
10:05But the backroom boys
10:06are working on it.
10:13Ah, well, I'll just spend
10:14the whole weekend
10:15locked in our room, I suppose.
10:17What do you mean, our room?
10:20Eh?
10:21We won't be together.
10:23What?
10:24We'll be separated.
10:27Separated?
10:27Don't be silly.
10:28We will.
10:30But we've been living together
10:32for two years.
10:34I just know we'll be separated.
10:36It's always like that.
10:38But you're going to have a baby.
10:40What does he think we did?
10:41Get the vet in?
10:42I just know we'll be separated.
10:48It's always like that.
10:49What do you mean,
10:49it's always like that?
10:50I've never been to your place before.
10:53Oh, I see.
10:56Rodney.
10:59How much longer?
11:01Next one's ours.
11:03Is that Lou still engaged?
11:05Yeah.
11:06I can't hold on much longer.
11:08Don't look out the window.
11:11What?
11:11Do not look out of the window.
11:13Why not?
11:15We just stop by a reservoir.
11:16Oh, look upstairs.
11:40I must go to the loom.
11:41Oh, I must.
11:42Oh, look upstairs.
11:43I must go to the loom.
11:45Ah, you must be...
12:00Shelly.
12:01James Shelly.
12:01Alice Goddard.
12:03How do you...
12:04How do you do?
12:04Now, I have got it right, haven't I?
12:06You're the one who's going to marry...
12:09Fran, Frances Smith.
12:10Yes.
12:12Do.
12:12Uh...
12:15Did you have a nice...
12:21Journey?
12:22Fine.
12:23Good.
12:25Lovely day.
12:27Yes, it is.
12:28Mind you, it might, uh...
12:30It might...
12:32Rain?
12:33Later.
12:34Uh-huh.
12:37But it might not.
12:39No.
12:39It is beautiful here, isn't it?
12:43Stunning.
12:44Nowhere like...
12:46England.
12:47Nowhere in the whole...
12:48World?
12:49Hmm.
12:52Especially in the...
12:53Summer.
12:55Would you like, uh...
12:56Cup of tea?
12:57Wash.
12:58Or anything.
12:59Ah.
12:59Well, I'd rather think, uh...
13:01Frances?
13:02Might be in the...
13:02Bathroom.
13:03Ha-ha.
13:07Mr. Smith...
13:08I'm sorry.
13:10Oh, I see.
13:11He's not here to meet you.
13:12I'm not.
13:13I'm sorry?
13:14Please don't be sorry on my account.
13:16I expect he'll be back...
13:17Before long.
13:20He's looking at a property.
13:21Ah.
13:21He works with an estate agent now.
13:24I see.
13:28You're doing something now, aren't you?
13:30Yes, I'm involved in a sociological study of wiper blades.
13:36Oh, fascinating.
13:39Oh, hello, Mrs. Goddard.
13:41Do call me Alice Francis.
13:44Alice.
13:45How are you?
13:46Fine.
13:47Fine, thanks.
13:48Daddy...
13:48Not back yet.
13:49Ah.
13:51Well...
13:53If you'll...
13:56Of course.
13:57I'll just...
13:58Please, of course.
14:00I gather you're going to...
14:02Cook?
14:03Well, I usually do.
14:04When I'm...
14:05Home.
14:13So what's Mrs. Goddard, then?
14:15Housekeeper.
14:16Ah.
14:17I mean, I don't know.
14:18Maybe they do.
14:20Well, no, well.
14:22Not really the sort of thing you can talk about.
14:24No.
14:26Daddy's certainly taken quite a shine to her.
14:29Webster's Glint.
14:30The polish that takes a shine to your car.
14:34So, what are you going to cook?
14:36Oh, you cook, Shelley.
14:37You do it so much better than me.
14:38Motorway cafes do it better than you.
14:40Do you wish you'd try sometimes?
14:44I will.
14:46Well, what shall we have?
14:48Well, there's always eggs.
14:50Chicken or rabbit.
14:51OK.
14:51I'll do that poached chicken you like.
14:53Where is it?
15:01You're kidding.
15:02No.
15:03I suppose the rabbit is that shotgun on the wall over there.
15:08It isn't.
15:10You know, the really dreadful thing about this moment is that I know you're not lying.
15:14I remember when Clive and Miriam got into self-sufficiency and you put them down by telling them your dad had been into it since rationing.
15:23This is a test, isn't it?
15:24My manhood's in question.
15:26Don't be silly, Shelley.
15:28I suppose Rodney stuck a few pigs while he was here?
15:32Joking.
15:32He wouldn't even kill a fly unless there was a Catholic priest present.
15:36Yes, well, I am not assassinating a chicken nor yet gunning down an unarmed rabbit.
15:42You eat meat, Shelley.
15:43I pay the butcher conscience money.
15:47You're always saying we should face up to our responsibilities.
15:49I'm a hypocrite.
15:50I've always been honest about that.
15:52Well, don't worry.
15:53Daddy will do it.
15:54You're not expected to.
15:56I'll go and ask him.
15:58Or would you like to?
16:03That was wonderful, Francis.
16:06Your cooking's improved out of all...
16:07Recognition.
16:11Thank you, Daddy.
16:12What was it exactly?
16:14Vegetarian casserole.
16:17Really was quite...
16:18Delicious.
16:19And the carrots were...
16:20Beautiful.
16:22I killed them myself.
16:27How do you do those?
16:29Oh.
16:30Um...
16:31I've been meaning to ask you that.
16:35Well, let me see.
16:37There was nutmeg, wasn't there?
16:38Yes.
16:39And don't tell me...
16:40Rosemary?
16:41Mmm.
16:42Butter and sugar, of course.
16:44You guessed.
16:45Covered with water and boiled.
16:46To a thick sauce.
16:48Well done, Shelley.
16:49Well, you'll soon have him well.
16:51Train.
16:54Would you pass the...
16:56Milk?
16:57Cream, please.
16:58Wow.
17:01So, you've come along at last, then.
17:03Pardon?
17:06Mr. Wright?
17:09Ha-ha.
17:09What?
17:11We were beginning to wonder, Francis.
17:14What?
17:14Well, you know, I think Gordon was getting a little...
17:17Hmm?
17:18Well, about being a granddaddy.
17:21Ah.
17:22Well, that's one one he's taken care of, anyway.
17:25Well, if you'll all...
17:28Yes, I'm just off to my...
17:30Me too.
17:31Yes, well, I think I'll just...
17:32Stay and have a drink.
17:35I think I'll just, er...
17:36Stay and have a drink.
17:37I think I'll just stay and have a drink.
17:40Good night.
17:42Good night, my love.
17:43Well, er...
17:59What?
18:01Well, I hope you're not too disappointed in your daughter's choice.
18:04Ha-ha-ha.
18:08I am.
18:10Yes, I know, but I'd hoped you might be prepared.
18:13to lie about it.
18:14Oh, I'm not disposed to spare the feelings of an unemployed layabout.
18:17Only out for all he can get.
18:19I didn't know you'd been the headmaster of a charm school.
18:24Scotch?
18:25Please.
18:27Only the, er...
18:28Merest hint of cyanide in mine, please.
18:31Actually, I do have a job, as a matter of fact.
18:35Francis is my only child.
18:36It will not have escaped your notice
18:38that when I die,
18:40she is liable to come into, er...
18:42a reasonably large amount of money
18:44and property.
18:45So I gather,
18:46you couldn't give us any idea
18:47when that might be, could you?
18:49I mean, it would, er...
18:50save us a great deal of trouble planning ahead.
18:54I wonder if I could prevail on you to shut it.
18:57Just for a few moments.
18:58Please, my pleasure.
19:01What I'm about to confide
19:02may come as rather a shock to you.
19:04You're not my natural father.
19:07My word, I've often wondered.
19:09Mother speaks well of you.
19:11She sends her love.
19:12She's well...
19:12Do shut up, man.
19:16Now, I've got at least one thing
19:17to be thankful to you for.
19:18You see, what I'm about to tell you
19:19is bad news for me,
19:20but the fact that by extension
19:22it's also bad news for you
19:23sweetens it considerably.
19:25You see, I'm broke.
19:29Mortgage to the hilt,
19:30not an asset left.
19:31In the language of our American cousins,
19:33flat busted.
19:37Well, I could let you have a fiver
19:38in no hurry about it.
19:41Don't you ever take anything seriously?
19:43Sometimes, I'm afraid.
19:44I try not to, but...
19:46you're not really hard up, are you?
19:48Ha-ha-ha.
19:49The first glimmerings of sincere feeling.
19:52Mrs Smith, I'm not marrying your daughter for money.
19:54I know she's not up to much,
19:55but she's probably the best I'll do,
19:57and you get used to the smell after a bit.
20:01I'll thank you not to insult my daughter
20:03in my own house.
20:04I have not insulted your daughter,
20:05very much to the contrary.
20:07She happens to be the woman I want to marry,
20:09and that's because of the person she is,
20:10not because of the opulence of her inheritance.
20:13Now, before the violins strike up,
20:15perhaps you'll show me to my dungeon.
20:17I shall be asleep before my head
20:18hits the flagstones.
20:21You know where France's room is.
20:23Ah, I rather thought we'd be tactfully separated.
20:29A more absurd case of locking the stable door
20:31after the horse is bolted,
20:32it would be difficult to imagine.
20:37Yes, well, at least in one particular,
20:40I seem to have misjudged you.
20:41That's the least surprising thing you've said all evening.
20:45Look, the way I see it,
20:47Churchill and Hitler probably had a sneaking regard
20:50for each other.
20:51Now, it is true that I detest you nearly as much
20:53as you detest me.
20:55And nothing's going to send us moist-eyed,
20:57arm-in-arm, down to the local
20:58for a chat about old times together.
21:00But as we're stuck with each other,
21:02what about making the best of it?
21:04Hmm?
21:05I mean, if Baggin and Sadat made it.
21:10Have another scotch.
21:15Did you cook the supper?
21:18Yes.
21:19I thought so.
21:21You're very good.
21:22Oh, it's a pleasure to work here.
21:24Superb kitchen.
21:25All that stuff at its peak,
21:26straight from the garden.
21:27Tell me, do you do all that?
21:30Yes.
21:30Alone?
21:31Oh, our local chap helps.
21:32We sell a bit of produce, you see.
21:34Sign at the roadside stuff.
21:36Is it that economic?
21:38Hmm?
21:38No, you know, I mean,
21:39labour, insecticides, fertilisers, and so on.
21:42No, no, no, no.
21:43We don't use any of that sort of thing.
21:45Compost, manure, hard work.
21:47Are you telling me
21:49all that stuff is compost grown?
21:52Yes.
21:53How many free-range hens do you have?
21:56Forty.
21:58You know, I think I might be able to help you.
22:00Oh.
22:17Oh, no, you're kidding.
22:20Nope.
22:21We can't hear.
22:23What are you talking about?
22:25We've been sleeping together for two years.
22:27Yes, but that's away.
22:29At uni and in London.
22:30Not at home.
22:31Not in Teddy's bed.
22:33That's dirty.
22:37Oh, don't you turn against me, for God's sake.
22:40I feel like Willy Wiper as it is.
22:45What?
22:45Wet, frayed, and useless.
22:47How'd you get on with Daddy?
22:50Went the distance.
22:52Have you thought any more about having an abortion?
22:54We've been into that.
22:55I know, it's...
22:56Shelley...
22:57I know, I know.
22:58I know, it's just that it's a big thing, you know.
22:59It's not just a baby.
23:01If we water it regularly, it might grow up into a human being.
23:05You know what they can be like.
23:07Quite apart from when it is a baby, we won't be getting much sleep.
23:10And we'll have to probably convey most of its waste products manually to the loo.
23:15I mean, I gather poop production is their thing.
23:18When they're not being sick and leaking everywhere.
23:21And you won't love me so much because you'll only be interested in the kit.
23:24I don't love you much now.
23:26On a scale of a million and ten, that joke rates a half.
23:31What's wrong, Shelley?
23:33Ah, the home crowd are getting to me, Fran.
23:36Your dad would rather have slaughtered me than one of his chickens.
23:39The way that woman talks is absolutely...
23:42Unnerving.
23:44Now I find my place in your bed usurped by a teddy bear.
23:47I mean, no disrespect.
23:48He's the best-looking bear I've ever seen.
23:50And I'll bet his conversation makes Robert Robinson sound like R2-D2.
23:54Just wish he hadn't been sleeping in our bed.
23:57Take him out.
23:59No good to you anyway.
24:00He's missing a vital piece of biological equipment.
24:03Like all teddies.
24:05Well, how did you get on with the Komodo dragon?
24:09Well, he's broke and he doesn't want you to know about it.
24:12I know.
24:12I can see right through him.
24:14My driver can see right through me ever since I met Walter.
24:17No, God, it's difficult, this job, Fran.
24:20Too much like working.
24:22He can see right through you, too.
24:24He knew I'd cook the supper.
24:26So are you chums, then?
24:27Detente, I guess.
24:29Aren't you worried about it?
24:31He'll cope.
24:33It's a special kind of person can call living like this broke.
24:37Well, there's one good thing about coming here.
24:39What?
24:40At least I've done better than Rodney.
24:43LAUGHTER
24:45APPLAUSE
24:47MUSIC CONTINUES