- 17/05/2025
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TVTranscript
00:00Thank you
00:30So, fare thee well, my saucy young girl,
00:34for we're bound for the Rio Grande.
00:39Hand these hay boys away, away, Rio.
00:44Oh, fare thee well, my saucy young girl,
00:47for we're bound for the Rio Grande.
00:50Oi!
00:54Oh, God.
00:57What?
00:58You're obviously in one of your revoltingly cheerful moods, aren't you?
01:02Well, why not?
01:03The birds are singing, the sun is shining, a great day for mankind.
01:08God is in his heaven.
01:09Yes, well, if he's got any sense, he'll have the answer phone on.
01:13Otherwise, mankind will be pestering him all day.
01:16I've got a letter from Canada.
01:19Emma's coming over to see me.
01:20There you are, you see? It's a great day.
01:24Your daughter's coming to see you.
01:27We'll have to take her to see all the sights of London, of course.
01:32Buckingham Palace, Nelson's Column,
01:35the Lions of Trafalgar Square,
01:37the Rottweilers of Peckham.
01:38She says she wants to go and see an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical.
01:44Oh, dear.
01:46And attend a Cliff Richard concert in the Milton Keynes Bowl
01:50and watch a Charlton Athletic home game.
01:54Oh.
01:56She's normal, isn't she?
01:57Well, she's normal.
01:59She's a perfectly healthy young girl
02:00who happens to like Charlton Athletic,
02:02Cliff Richard and Andrew Lloyd Webber.
02:04What's wrong with that?
02:06You're right, it's not normal.
02:08I blame her mother.
02:09Well, you know what?
02:10We shall just have to widen her musical horizons for her.
02:14Hey, I don't want you playing her
02:15all your Judas Priest albums.
02:18Who?
02:19Anyway, what is with this wee stuff?
02:21She's my daughter.
02:22If she needs her horizons widened, I'll do it.
02:25OK?
02:26Why so touchy?
02:28Because you once told me you'd widen my horizons, remember?
02:32And I woke up semi-naked in the middle of Stonehenge
02:35during a druid ceremony.
02:36Yeah.
02:37Yeah.
02:38Yeah.
02:39Yeah.
02:40That was some evening, wasn't it?
02:42I don't want you leading Emma astray.
02:45Oh, what do you think I am, Beelzebub?
02:47No, Lucifer, possibly.
02:50I just see you tormenting the dams,
02:52singing them endless sea shanties
02:54and telling very long, dirty jokes
02:56involving French legionnaires and camels.
03:00What else does Emma say?
03:02Oh, that she's, um...
03:05She's thrilled about coming over
03:07and that she looks forward to going swimming with her dad.
03:11Ooh, that'll be exciting for her.
03:13It certainly will.
03:14I can't swim.
03:17What?
03:18I can't swim.
03:20What do you mean, you can't swim?
03:22What do you mean, what do you mean, I can't swim?
03:25I can't swim.
03:26OK.
03:27You mean you can't swim?
03:29Give me strength.
03:31Yes.
03:32Can we drop it now?
03:33OK.
03:37Why can't you swim?
03:39Because I never learnt.
03:40Because I never learnt.
03:42Nearly learnt at school, but...
03:45Unfortunately, the swimming teacher felt the only way to conquer my nervousness in the pool
03:50was by holding my head under the water for as long as possible.
03:53His name was Mr. Rayner, and he was one of those teachers who based his educational theories upon those of Vlad the Impaler.
04:01So you're saying that you can't swim?
04:05My God, you do latch on to things fast.
04:11But you can swim.
04:12Everybody can.
04:14Eh?
04:15Deep down, everybody can swim.
04:18It's in our genetic memory.
04:20From the time when human beings were marine mammals millions of years ago.
04:24Ted, I can't remember what I was doing last Tuesday.
04:26I'm hardly likely to recall swimming techniques handed down by some distant great-great-uncle who was a sea lion.
04:34It's a scientific fact.
04:37Look, you throw a baby in a swimming pool, what happens?
04:40Social workers take the baby into care.
04:44The baby swims!
04:48Instinctively, but when you're an adult, inhibitions override the instinct.
04:53Do you know when I learned to swim, I was 13, and some local bullies grabbed me and threw me in the canal.
05:01For a moment, I panicked.
05:03I can't swim, I thought.
05:05And then suddenly...
05:06You started to swim?
05:07No, I sank like a stone.
05:10But my cousin pulled me out, and as he pumped the water out of me and told me I'd need tetanus jabs,
05:16I thought, sodded, I'm not going through this again, so I learned to swim.
05:21That's a stone thing I could.
05:22But you know that the human body floats in water.
05:26Ah, well, mine doesn't float. It just sort of plummets.
05:29Ah, that's because you're not relaxed enough.
05:30You see, that's the key.
05:32Relaxation.
05:34You have trouble relaxing, don't you?
05:36Physically, you're very, very tense.
05:40Oh!
05:41Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
05:44Tightest piano wires.
05:46Lie down.
05:48Eh?
05:49Lie down.
05:50Oh, this is silly.
05:52Lie down!
05:56Now, here you are.
05:58Oh, I learnt this relaxation exercise at the over-60s aerobics class.
06:03Now, first of all, empty a brain of thoughts.
06:09Have you done that?
06:10Give us a chance.
06:11I'm not a disc jockey.
06:13Just clear the mind.
06:17Now, just think about the toes.
06:19Just the toes.
06:20Just slowly relax the toes.
06:23Imagine that they're walking on soft, lush grass.
06:30Do your toes feel relaxed?
06:31I think so.
06:34Good, good.
06:35Now, concentrate on the legs.
06:38Let them go floppy.
06:40That's it.
06:42Are they floppy?
06:43The right one is.
06:44Your brain has to tell the left leg to relax.
06:48Well, it's trying.
06:49Obviously, my legs don't trust my brain.
06:53Probably stems from that time when I was hiking as a student in the Lake District,
06:57and brain told legs they could get up Scarfell,
07:00and my left ankle got broken.
07:04Legs never forget, you say.
07:06Yes, well, your mouth's obviously nice and relaxed.
07:12Try the stomach muscles.
07:14Ah, well, they're very taut and stiff.
07:16That's tension.
07:17No, that's those prawns that were on the turn.
07:19I was up all last night.
07:21Stop wittering and keep relaxing.
07:24Now, the arms.
07:26Yes.
07:27Good.
07:28The shoulders.
07:29Good.
07:30And the neck.
07:32Right.
07:33Now, do you feel relaxed?
07:36Mm, not bad at all.
07:40You're totally unwound, completely at ease,
07:44peaceful, unstressed,
07:48totally relaxed.
07:55Boom!
07:56Ah!
07:59I'm sorry.
08:00I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist it.
08:03Very funny.
08:06But you see how easy it is.
08:08You found it to relax.
08:09If you could relax like that in water,
08:10you would swim in no time.
08:12I'm not convinced.
08:13Oh, well, never mind.
08:15I don't suppose Emma will mind too much.
08:17What?
08:18Well, all her schoolmates are back in Canada.
08:20They need never know that her dad's a wimp.
08:23Look, Ted, I know what you're up to.
08:24I know you're as transparent as cling film.
08:27You want to goad me into learning how to swim.
08:30But I'm not going to do it, okay?
08:32Okay.
08:33We can still go to the seaside and stuff.
08:36Yes.
08:37Yeah, of course you can.
08:39And Emma can go for a dip in the sea,
08:41and you can sit on the beach and watch the towels.
08:44Keep the wasps off the picnic.
08:46Are you taking the mickey?
08:48No.
08:49Good.
08:50And then Emma can go back to Canada and tell her friends,
08:53well, my dad may not be much of a swimmer,
08:55but he's one of the best towel watchers in England.
08:58You are taking the mickey.
09:00Well, what have you scared of?
09:02Hey, you could give it a try.
09:04They do some crash courses for adults in the local pool.
09:08I think there's an ad in a paper.
09:09Ted, this is getting magnified out of all proportion.
09:12There is no problem.
09:14If Emma wants to go to the seaside and swim,
09:16we go and I watch.
09:18That's all.
09:19You'll feel pretty helpless if she gets into difficulties.
09:22She's a very strong swimmer.
09:24Makes no odds.
09:25One touch of cramp,
09:27next thing you know she's halfway to Belgium
09:28and you never see her again.
09:30You wouldn't be able to do a thing.
09:33Well, maybe we won't go to the seaside.
09:35Oh, come on, Shelley.
09:37Take the plunge for once.
09:39You can't be a towel watcher all your life.
09:41Do these lessons.
09:43But she's coming in two weeks.
09:45I'll never learn in that time.
09:47Of course you will.
09:48And think how thrilled Emma will be
09:50when she finds out that you've learnt specially for her.
09:53You'll be super dad.
09:56Yes.
09:56I suppose it would be a pretty impressive achievement.
09:59Very impressive.
10:00OK, I'll do it.
10:04It's all in the mind.
10:06If everyone else can learn to swim, so can I.
10:09It's all a matter of confidence.
10:11Have we got any water wings?
10:12It won't need water wings.
10:14She'll have to get a swimming costume.
10:16One of those old-fashioned ones.
10:18It's not those brief, skimpy jobs
10:20that make you look as if you padded your ghoulies with egg boxes.
10:24I shall lend you mine.
10:27And, oh, you could use a pair of goggles.
10:29That keeps the chlorine out of your eyes.
10:30Good point.
10:31And if I decide to go swimming in the sea,
10:33I'll be able to spot the lumps of sewage.
10:36Anything else?
10:37Um, you could shave your body hair.
10:40All the top swimmers do that.
10:42It makes them more streamlined.
10:43Oh?
10:44And they cover themselves with grease.
10:47Oh, really?
10:48So Emma goes to give me a cuddle
10:50and squirts me out the window?
10:54No, I don't think so, Ted.
10:55I'll just stick to the basics of swimming.
10:58Like not drowning.
10:59Now, what's the matter?
11:08You look apprehensive.
11:10Well, I'll be honest with you, Ted.
11:12I'll do it for Emma.
11:14But I just don't think I can manage it.
11:18Even if I summon up every ounce of...
11:20courage and resolve and determination in my body
11:24and no matter how much I steal myself,
11:26I'm just not sure I can go through with it.
11:30Not even for Emma.
11:32Oh, look, swimming is...
11:34Oh, I'm not talking about swimming.
11:36I'm talking about sitting through
11:38an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical.
11:40LAUGHTER
11:41LAUGHTER
11:42MUSIC PLAYS
11:59Morning.
12:12Morning.
12:12Morning.
12:12Morning.
12:14You for the, um...
12:31Adult swimming classes, yeah.
12:33LAUGHTER
12:33This isn't my costume.
12:38I borrowed it from a friend.
12:39LAUGHTER
12:40At least I think he was a friend.
12:43I'm not so sure.
12:44LAUGHTER
12:44LAUGHTER
12:45It's my wife bought me these Bermudas
12:48as an incentive to learn to swim.
12:49LAUGHTER
12:50As soon as I'll learn to, she'll throw them away.
12:52LAUGHTER
12:53So, why are you taking the plunge?
12:56Oh, well, my daughter's coming over from Canada
12:59and I don't want her to think...
13:00To think you're a wimp?
13:01No.
13:02Yes.
13:03LAUGHTER
13:03How about you?
13:05A similar story.
13:07I'm learning for the holidays, really.
13:08For safety reasons.
13:10Because of the kids, you know.
13:12They keep pushing me in the pool.
13:13LAUGHTER
13:14LAUGHTER
13:15I've had to be rescued five times now.
13:20And it was a close thing in Crete.
13:22I mean, luckily I knew the Greek for help.
13:24I'm drowning.
13:24LAUGHTER
13:25Well...
13:27Shall we hit the dreaded H2O?
13:29I suppose so.
13:31You're not frightened, are you?
13:32Frightened me?
13:33No.
13:35Petrified.
13:36That's funny.
13:38I would have thought anyone who could wear a costume like that
13:40wouldn't know the meaning of the word fear.
13:41LAUGHTER
13:42LAUGHTER
13:43Why are we doing this again?
13:56To familiarise ourselves with the water.
13:58Well, this is as familiar as I want to get with it.
14:02I've got a phobia of this stuff.
14:04So you're here to conquer it?
14:06No, I'm here because I'm an actress
14:08and I auditioned for a film part
14:10and they said the part involved some swimming
14:12and I said I could swim.
14:14And I got the part.
14:15It's a very good part.
14:16I did try to convince them
14:18that the swimming scenes weren't essential to the character
14:20but no joy.
14:22What's the part?
14:23A mermaid.
14:24It's a comedy.
14:25I'm a mermaid who falls in love with a lighthouse keeper.
14:28It happens all the time.
14:30LAUGHTER
14:31Now then, Mr Shelley, you're two.
14:34LAUGHTER
14:35Now, let's start by trying to discover the position
14:41you feel most comfortable in the water.
14:43Now, do you think you feel more at home on your front or your back?
14:46Well, I've spent most of my life on my back, so...
14:49Bath kitties, then.
14:50LAUGHTER
14:52And get your feet wide to the surface.
15:01Slowly.
15:03That's it.
15:04Now then, Mr Shelley, in a moment, I'm going to ease away
15:07and this will demonstrate to all of you
15:10how the human body floats.
15:11LAUGHTER
15:12LAUGHTER
15:13How most human bodies float in the water.
15:22That's splendid, Mr Shelley.
15:30I think you've mastered the kicking.
15:33Tomorrow, we'll try it in the big pool.
15:35LAUGHTER
15:35Well, you've not done badly for one week's worth of lessons.
15:46No.
15:46Now I'm much more confident.
15:48Me too.
15:49And I'm getting used to this.
15:51Very good at the wardrobe department to lend it to you, really.
15:53LAUGHTER
15:54Don't go out in public like that, though.
15:56People will think you've been swimming off Sellafield.
15:59LAUGHTER
15:59Come on, Mr Shelley, you can do it.
16:14Come on.
16:15Come on, everybody, keep going.
16:16Go on, to the end now.
16:17Come on, that's it.
16:18Keep going.
16:19Come on, that's it.
16:20Great.
16:21Great.
16:22Oh, well done.
16:24Well done yourself.
16:26You'll be OK now with the kids pushing you in the pool?
16:28Oh, yeah.
16:29Mind you, they'll be choked now I can swim.
16:32They'll win us for all their fun.
16:34Unless, of course, they decide to.
16:36Oh, no.
16:37What?
16:38I've just had a thought.
16:40Mrs Asher, can you teach me how to swim
16:42if someone's tied weights to my legs?
16:44LAUGHTER
16:45APPLAUSE
16:47Finally, a marvellous achievement.
16:54Two weeks ago, he couldn't swim a stroke.
16:56Today, he can swim several wits of the bath
17:00doing the breaststroke.
17:01Or the doggy paddle if he gets tired.
17:04Mr Shelley.
17:05APPLAUSE
17:06I'd like to thank everyone for making this.
17:16LAUGHTER
17:16This means so much to me.
17:21And it's not really me
17:24who should be accepting this.
17:27It's all the little people behind the scenes.
17:31LAUGHTER
17:31I'd like to thank my mum and my dad.
17:34LAUGHTER
17:34My mum's dad
17:35and my dad's mum.
17:36LAUGHTER
17:36And a great-great-uncle who I never met
17:40who is a sea lion.
17:42LAUGHTER
17:44APPLAUSE
17:45Leslie, I'm inviting people round for drinks this evening.
17:55Great.
17:56I can't stay long.
17:57I'm learning my script tonight.
17:58Is it funny?
18:00Well, the director's been changed,
18:02so the script's been rewritten.
18:03The new director doesn't see it as a comedy.
18:06He sees it as a vicious, surreal satire on capitalism.
18:10I see.
18:10It's a bit annoying, really.
18:13It means now,
18:13not only have I got to be able to swim with a rubber tail,
18:16at the same time,
18:17I've got to be carrying a harpoon gun.
18:19LAUGHTER
18:20LAUGHTER
18:20Oh, hey!
18:24Oh!
18:25LAUGHTER
18:25There you go.
18:30Look, Leslie,
18:32this has been bothering me.
18:34You say your part now involves a harpoon?
18:38That's right.
18:38I harpoon a member of the bourgeoisie.
18:42That sounds like one of those films
18:43you watch at 3am on Channel 4.
18:46I'm really looking forward to it.
18:48I think it'll be challenging.
18:49I'm not too sure about the rape scene, though.
18:52You're playing a mermaid
18:53and there's a rape scene?
18:56LAUGHTER
18:56Yeah.
18:57The director's talked me through it.
18:59He says that the whole scene
19:01is a brutal denunciation of capitalism
19:03and its exploitation and pillage
19:06of the pre-industrial environment.
19:07But basically, I think he wants me
19:09to take my top off.
19:11You'll be prepared to do that.
19:13Well, if I don't,
19:14they'll probably just film my face
19:16and drop in someone else's breasts.
19:18So what the heck.
19:21So, how long have...
19:22LAUGHTER
19:23How long have you been teaching people
19:25to swim then, Mrs Asher?
19:27Oh, since before I got married.
19:29My father was a swimming teacher.
19:31Yes, hundreds of kids learnt to swim
19:33thanks to my old dad, Charlie Rayner.
19:35Charlie Rayner?
19:37Yes.
19:38Bald head, loud voice,
19:40scorpion tattoo on his neck.
19:41That's him.
19:42Did you know him?
19:43Yes.
19:44But his methods were a bit different from yours.
19:46LAUGHTER
19:47He gave me a bigger fear of water
19:49than Oliver Reed.
19:51LAUGHTER
19:52He held my head under the water.
19:55Yes, he did have a habit of doing that sometimes.
19:58Sorry, he had a bit of a blind spot.
19:59So, is he still practising the sink or swim method then?
20:03No, he was obliged to resign from teaching.
20:05Had a bit of a tiff with one of the school governors
20:07about staffing levels.
20:08All got a bit heated,
20:09they started rowing fiercely with each other
20:11and unfortunately...
20:12Your dad shouted at the governor?
20:14No, he held his head under the water.
20:17LAUGHTER
20:17If I may, thank you,
20:19I'd like to sound a touch of a personal note.
20:22I'd like to pay tribute to my good friend here.
20:26I know how nervous he was about learning to swim,
20:28so I know how well he's done to master it.
20:32I think it's a fantastic achievement
20:35for someone who usually is a mass of neuroses and inhibitions.
20:40LAUGHTER
20:40It's also a tremendous achievement for him
20:43when you consider that he is not one of nature's achievers.
20:46Far from it.
20:48In fact, usually, he doesn't have the determination
20:50to open a carton of milk.
20:52LAUGHTER
20:53But this time he's stuck at it,
20:55so I'd like to raise a toast to Shelley the Swimmer.
21:00Who'd have thought it?
21:02Shelley the Swimmer.
21:03Shelley the Swimmer.
21:04Yes, well, thank you, Ted,
21:05for those few kind words
21:08delivered with your usual instinctive good taste and charm.
21:13My pleasure.
21:15And I'd just like to say
21:16there is a very, very small grain of truth
21:19in what Ted was just saying.
21:21And I am, to be honest,
21:23really chuffed that I've cracked the swimming.
21:25You see, I had a very special reason for doing it.
21:28And if she'd...
21:28Just hold it right there, Shelley.
21:30PHONE RINGS
21:31Hello?
21:36Oh, hello!
21:38You must be Fran, yes.
21:40Yes, Shelley's told me all about you.
21:43Yeah?
21:44Oh, he's written to you about me, has he?
21:47Yes.
21:48Yes, yes, I'm his landlord.
21:50Yeah.
21:51Ha, ha, ha, yeah.
21:52The druid ceremony, yes.
21:56That was very funny, yeah.
21:58Here, listen, he's done ever so well this week.
22:00Excuse me.
22:01Oh, er, I'll catch up with you later, Fran.
22:03Bye.
22:05Hello, Fran.
22:07Yes, that was Ted.
22:10Yes, he is always like that.
22:12I'm all ready for Emma coming tomorrow.
22:18What?
22:20When did this happen?
22:23Well, is she OK?
22:26Yes, well, of course I'm disappointed,
22:28but, I mean, as long as she's OK.
22:29Well, never mind, another time.
22:35Yes, me?
22:36Oh, I'm fine.
22:38Yes, oh, well, Ted was referring to the fact that, um,
22:42I've learnt to swim.
22:43I'm not messing about.
22:47I've learnt to swim.
22:50Yes, thank you.
22:51Well, I think it's a pretty impressive achievement as well.
22:56Especially for a confirmed wimp.
22:57Yes, OK.
22:58All right, then, well, I'll, er, I'll talk to you soon,
23:02and, um, my love to Emma.
23:08Emma's not coming.
23:09No.
23:11She's got glandular fever.
23:13Can't travel.
23:14I'm sorry.
23:16Tough luck.
23:18Still, still.
23:20Never mind.
23:21I mean, you can swim with her next time,
23:22now you've learnt how,
23:23and she'll still be proud of you.
23:25Yes, that's right.
23:26Just feel a bit sad about it, that's all.
23:29Well, it is sad.
23:31But think, you've done your self-esteem a power of good,
23:35and you've made some new friends,
23:37and friends are always there for you.
23:40Yes, that's true.
23:41Of course, Emma's not coming means I've, er...
23:45I've now got tickets for a Charlton game,
23:48a Cliff Richard concert,
23:49and a visit to Starlight Express.
23:51Any takers?
23:53Good Lord, is that the time?
23:54Yes, I really am.
23:55I'm going to go first.
23:56I'm due at aerobics, actually.
23:58LAUGHTER
23:59APPLAUSE
24:11And I'm going to go first.
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