- 17/05/2025
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00:00TURN
00:05MUSIC
00:07HEHAY!
00:09That's the one!
00:10I tell you, you've got to get up very early in the morning.
00:15To beat Olt's head, I tell you that, right?
00:20Well, let's start with that.
00:22What? If you'd like, let's have another one.
00:24I'll get him back, then.
00:26Oh, Shelley! How did the interview go?
00:28He's after a job in one of these environmental organisations.
00:32It didn't go too well, actually, Ted.
00:34I mean, they were very nice,
00:36but they didn't seem to appreciate my frivolity.
00:38I mean, they didn't seem to appreciate my frivolity.
00:40I mean, they didn't go too well, Ted.
00:42They didn't go too well, actually, Ted.
00:44I mean, they were very nice,
00:46but they didn't seem to appreciate my frivolity.
00:48At one point, they asked me what I'd do about toxic waste,
00:50and I said I'd shove it down the Channel Tunnel
00:52and poison a few Frenchmen.
00:54Well, I only said it as a joke.
00:56But they didn't laugh.
00:58Not a flicker.
01:00Oh! Oh, dear God!
01:02Where's my manners? I'm sorry.
01:04Ravi, this is Shelley, my tenant.
01:06Hi.
01:08Ravi and his family used to live three doors up,
01:10when there was a three doors up.
01:12I'm sorry.
01:14Ravi and his family used to live three doors up,
01:16when there was a three doors up.
01:18I see, your family took the developer's offer there.
01:21Well, it was quite a lot of money.
01:22You should have stuck out for more.
01:24Only yesterday, they upped their offer
01:26to get me out by ten grand.
01:28Then why don't you take it?
01:29I'm not leaving this house.
01:30It's as simple as that.
01:32You see, Ravi, there are times
01:34when a man has no choice.
01:36He just has to stand and fight!
01:38You left out a man's gotta do
01:40what a man's gotta do.
01:42This is for you, Marshal.
01:44You left it out on the table.
01:46I think it's a poll tax demand.
01:48Cheers.
01:50That's a nice and simple filing system.
01:56Not paying that.
01:57You're not paying the poll tax on principal.
01:59Is that it?
02:00It's got nothing to do with principal.
02:01I just enjoy annoying the government.
02:03You'll have to pay it in the end, Ted.
02:06Otherwise, the Thatcher youth will kick your door down
02:08and cart off your valuables.
02:10Oh, I'll pay it.
02:12Eventually.
02:13Not before I've mucked them about a bit.
02:16Well, why not?
02:17The government's mucked me about enough over the years.
02:20In 1950, the bugger sent me to Palestine.
02:25I was doing my national service, you see.
02:27And one day, I'm just quietly peeling spuds
02:30in a camp near Goldman.
02:32The next thing you know, I'm being stoned in Jerusalem.
02:36God, I hated it.
02:37Join the army.
02:38See the world.
02:40Learn valuable skills like ducking stones.
02:43But that wasn't this government, Ted.
02:45It was a Labour government under Clement Attlee.
02:48Labour Conservative?
02:49What's the difference?
02:50It was a British government.
02:51And I have never forgotten.
02:53Yes, well, you never forget anything.
02:55You're the only Englishman I know who still hates the Vikings.
02:58Too right, bloody Vikings.
03:02Of course, they call themselves Scandinavians now.
03:06You can laugh, Ravi, but the Vikings did some terrible things.
03:10Burnt down houses, murdered innocent people.
03:13And they cost us the Battle of Hastings.
03:18Eh?
03:19In 1066.
03:21King Harold and his men were knackered when they fought the Normans.
03:26Because they had to march overnight after defeating the Vikings at Stamford Bridge.
03:32See?
03:33Stick with me and you might learn a few things.
03:35Just like prejudice.
03:37Bigotry.
03:38I'm not prejudiced.
03:39I don't just like Scandinavians, that's all.
03:42And Austrians.
03:45And Germans.
03:46Oh, yeah, well, Germans, obviously.
03:48And Italians and...
03:52And Turks.
03:53But apart from that, I take people pretty much as I find them.
03:56Why Turks?
03:57Gallipoli, 1915.
04:01Oh, of course, silly me.
04:03The Turks nearly cost us the Second World War, do you know?
04:06But Gallipoli was during the First World War.
04:08Ah!
04:09Ah!
04:10Ah!
04:11But it nearly ended Churchill's political career.
04:13And if we hadn't had Churchill in the Second World War, everyone knows who we might have ended up with as leader.
04:18Probably that Twasic Anthony Eden.
04:20Now, Shelley, are you hungry because Ravi here has invited me to his parents' restaurant for dinner tonight and I can recommend it.
04:31Oh, well, I'd love to, but as John Major would say, my economic indicators have taken a downturn due to global market forces and seasonal variations in the labour market.
04:40Your skin.
04:42Correct.
04:44Well, then, I'll treat you both.
04:46Oh, no, please.
04:47No, I insist.
04:48No, I couldn't possibly.
04:50All right.
04:52Yes, well, don't just give in like that.
04:54It's only making a token protest.
04:56All right, then, it's on me.
04:58Well, well, that's got the formalities over with.
05:00Let's get cracking.
05:02Um, Ted, I know I'm going to regret asking this, but, um, you mentioned the Italians.
05:10Now, what exactly have you got against them?
05:12Well, they murdered Julius Caesar, didn't they?
05:16So?
05:18Well, if the Italians hadn't murdered Julius Caesar, then the Roman Empire wouldn't have called him to decline.
05:24So that means that the Roman armies wouldn't have left Britain, which means that we wouldn't have had to put up with invasions by all those bloody Vikings.
05:33Stands to reason, doesn't it?
05:39Stands to reason?
05:40Stands to reason.
05:49Hang on, Ted.
05:51Using your historical analysis, it just worked out that Cleopatra was responsible for England getting knocked out of the World Cup in 1986.
06:00Right?
06:02Well, think about it.
06:03If she'd have defeated the Roman Empire, there'd have been no Rome, which means no Catholic Church.
06:10So, no Catholic colonisations of South America, which means that no Spaniard would ever have gone to Argentina, which means that Diego Maradona would never have been born.
06:26Stands to reason.
06:28You're being silly now.
06:29Anyway, if they hadn't colonised Argentina, who would have been playing for them in 1986?
06:37I don't know, probably a team of primitive Inca tribesmen.
06:41We might have got a draw.
06:43Mr Bishop, I'm lovely to see you.
06:44Oh, hello, Mr Betty.
06:46I thought you were coming on your own tonight, Ravi.
06:49I thought you'd be pleased to see Mr Bishop again, Father.
06:51And this is his friend, Mr Shelley.
06:53Hello.
06:54I'll just say hello to my mother.
06:56Welcome, Mr Shelley.
06:57It seems very quiet.
06:58Oh, it's a bit early yet.
07:00At about half past ten, it will fill up with the flour of English manhood, their decorative pink beer guts protruding from beneath their teeth of this.
07:09And they'll shout witty Oscar Wilde-like things such as,
07:13Give us a menu, Gunga Din!
07:16Then, they'll down another six pints of lager and fall asleep with their face in their cup.
07:19Sounds horrendous. Why don't you just refuse to serve them?
07:23If I refuse to serve people on the grounds that they're drunk, I'd go broke in a week.
07:29If you'll excuse me for a second.
07:31I blame the lager ads.
07:34You know the ones that suggest that if someone drinks strong lager, the barmaid will fancy him and everyone will think he's a man?
07:41They should be forced to make realistic ads.
07:44Where someone drinks the lager, throws up over the barmaid and gets beaten to a part by the landlord.
07:48What would you like to drink, gentlemen?
07:52Two lagers, please.
07:54No, no, no. Not for me. It's bad for my intellectual image.
07:58Besides, I should be up all night contributing to the greenhouse effect.
08:02Mineral water, please.
08:04How are things with you, Alork?
08:06Oh, not bad, Ravi. I'll be back in a moment, gentlemen.
08:09Alork's my cousin. He's just filling in here as he's between jobs.
08:13What does he do?
08:14He's a nuclear physicist. He got a first at Oxford.
08:16Nuclear physicist. Now, he could help you with your battle against the developers, Ted.
08:22He could run you up an H-bomb.
08:25So, the menu?
08:27Oh, right, clearly.
08:29Let's see now.
08:31You don't know. Where are you, Rossi?
08:33There's a bunch of latte. Ciao, ciao!
08:37So, gentlemen, what would you like?
08:39What? Oh, um, well, I don't know.
08:42I'll tell you what, Mr. Betty, why don't you just bring us a nice big selection?
08:45Very well.
08:46I know. Something really adventurous.
08:49Something very hot. You don't mind it hot, do you, Shelley?
08:52Well, no, but, um...
08:53All right, then, Mr. Betty, bring us the hottest dish on the menu.
08:57Okay.
08:59Sorry about that. My father and I were having a disagreement.
09:05Yes, we sensed there was a bit of a tiff in the air.
09:09What was it about?
09:11Ted, don't be nosy.
09:12Sorry.
09:13But it was about a woman.
09:14Ted!
09:15Sorry.
09:17It was about a woman, actually.
09:19Well, in a way, my parents want to arrange a marriage for me.
09:25They found a girl they feel is suitable and...
09:28Well, I don't want an arranged marriage.
09:29I don't even know if I want to get married.
09:30Oh, come on, come on.
09:32Marriage is fine if you get it right, like I did.
09:35I had 35 years of happiness, but you have to choose carefully.
09:41You see, statistically, I reckon, marriages break down roughly like this.
09:45About 35% are based on love.
09:49About 25% on genuine affection.
09:52And that's not quite love.
09:55About another 25% on mutual indifference.
09:59And the rest is just pure animal sexual attraction.
10:03And that never lasts.
10:05He's right.
10:07Relationships based on purely sexual lust have no future.
10:11A great present.
10:13And no future.
10:14So you just make sure that you choose carefully, Ravi.
10:17But for us, it's traditional for the parents to choose.
10:20You know, it's very difficult for those of us born in Britain.
10:22We feel torn between two cultures.
10:24Well, at least you've got two cultures to choose from.
10:26Australians haven't even got one.
10:33Hey, don't worry, Ravi. It'll all sort itself out.
10:36Yeah, there's another complication, you see.
10:38I've got a girlfriend.
10:40I'm very fond of her.
10:41You'd better talk more quietly than that, Ravi.
10:43This new wallpaper has changed the acoustics in here.
10:47What am I going to do a look?
10:50Your marriage is arranged, wasn't it?
10:51That's right.
10:52Does the marriage work?
10:53It's harmonious.
10:55No, we never fight.
10:57We never argue.
10:58How do you manage that?
10:59Easy.
11:00I'm going to go home.
11:03It's a worrying concept, isn't it?
11:06A nuclear physicist with a sense of humour?
11:09Look, Ravi, you take my advice.
11:11Ignore your parents.
11:12Ted, it's none of your business, so don't be so free with your advice.
11:17You have to have control over your own destiny.
11:21You don't want to end up trapped in a loveless marriage
11:23and having some shabby little affair like that bloke over there.
11:30Don't you know they're having an affair?
11:32Oh, come on, Shelley.
11:33Look, they're holding hands over the table.
11:36When have you ever seen a married couple do that?
11:38They're whispering for no real reason.
11:43And she's got that sort of crushed, passive look
11:46that all long-term mistresses have.
11:49You mark my words.
11:51In a minute or two, he'll ask if he can use the phone
11:53so he can call his wife and tell her his train's been cancelled.
11:57And then just when they're about to leave, she'll start to cry.
12:01It's a rather sordid occupation for a man of your age, isn't it?
12:04Mistress spotting? God, Ted, you're so nosy.
12:08Me? Nosy?
12:09Yes, nosy.
12:10I think you must have been an anteater in a previous life.
12:14Here we are, Mr. Bishop and Mr. Shelley.
12:18Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
12:19I'll push a hint on the table.
12:24Push a kettle.
12:28Curl.
12:31Enjoy your meal.
12:35Yeah, well, this looks very nice.
12:37Mm.
12:51The chef's not a nuclear physicist as well, sir.
12:54It's so fun.
12:59I'm so happy, but I can't...
13:00I can't remember a little bit here.
13:01You're welcome.
13:02I'm up to the table.
13:03I'm so happy.
13:04You're welcome.
13:06I'm so happy.
13:08You're welcome.
13:09I'm so happy.
13:11You're welcome.
13:13We've got to get a little bit of a Tyrand.
13:15I'm so happy to see you.
13:17I'm so happy to see you.
13:19My name is David.
13:20All right, Ted, I'll give you in.
13:32What planet are you from?
13:36Ike?
13:37Well, you're obviously not from Earth,
13:40if you can eat this without visible signs of distress.
13:43It's impossible.
13:44You must be from an alien race
13:46which has asbestos tubing instead of intestines.
13:50Bit on the hot side for you, is it?
13:52No, I always sweat like Tom Jones live at Caesar's Palace.
13:57You remember my mother, Mr Bishop?
13:59Oh, yes, of course.
14:00Hello, Mrs Betty.
14:01Hello, Mr Bishop.
14:02This is my friend, Mr Shelley.
14:05I think he's just discovered a pepper.
14:07Hello.
14:12Now, Ted, I want you to tell my mother
14:14exactly what you said to me,
14:17that you should marry for love.
14:18Oh, it was just my opinion before having...
14:21Oh, no, but I agree.
14:23I think everyone should marry for love, mother.
14:26And what about you, Mr Shelley?
14:27Do you agree?
14:29Yes.
14:29You married without outside help?
14:32Yes.
14:33Because you cared for each other?
14:35Yes.
14:36And your marriage is a success?
14:38Ah, well...
14:40Yes, sort of.
14:41Well, I mean, it was a success until it...
14:44until it stopped being a success and became, um, a divorce.
14:50I see.
14:50Yes, but my story's not typical, not at all.
14:53I mean, for example, Ted here was happily married for 35 years, weren't you, Ted?
14:57Um, and his marriage wasn't arranged, was it, Ted?
15:00No, and when we married, we were totally besotted with each other.
15:03It was just as well, really, because Helen was two months pregnant at the time.
15:08So we wouldn't have had any choice in the matter.
15:10Well, thank you both for putting up such a convincing case.
15:15But this just confirms my view, Ravi.
15:17You can't leave something as important as marriage to love.
15:21Now, this girl we've chosen is from a very good family.
15:24At least you could meet her...
15:25I do not want to marry this girl, and I do not want to meet her.
15:29Well, then that's going to be very embarrassing.
15:31Why?
15:31Because she's coming here in ten minutes.
15:33What?
15:34Well, we thought you were coming alone...
15:36Oh, mother!
15:37Honestly!
15:37Oh, dear, I'm afraid he's very upset.
15:42But I'm only trying to help.
15:44He's training to be a doctor.
15:46A doctor needs a good wife, doesn't he?
15:48Well, he certainly needs a patient one.
15:52Someone who doesn't mind being rung up in the middle of the night
15:54by a hypochondriac who's convinced he's got mad cow disease.
15:58Someone like me, in fact.
16:00I worry about him, Mr Bishop.
16:02I want him to be settled.
16:04It's such an uncertain world for young people these days.
16:07It's always been an uncertain world, Mrs Beddy.
16:10Perhaps uncertainty is the norm.
16:13Do you know there's this new scientific theory
16:15that everything is really governed by the laws of total chaos?
16:19It's not a new theory.
16:20London Transport discovered it years ago.
16:24If you'll excuse me, I must make sure
16:26that Robbie is not rowing with his father again.
16:29Excuse me, have you got any change for the phone?
16:35He's probably just ringing for a taxi.
16:39I can't help feeling sorry for Robbie.
16:41I mean, as far as I'm concerned,
16:44he should be able to marry anybody he chooses.
16:47Tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor, black, white, whatever.
16:52Ha!
16:53Funny when you think about it.
16:55What?
16:56Well, we talk about people being black and white,
16:58but black people are naturally black.
17:01And white people are not white.
17:04Brown and pink would be nearer it.
17:07But they don't sound right, do they?
17:09Can I see the Ku Klux Klan burning crosses
17:12and calling for pink racial purity?
17:14Can you hear that?
17:16Perhaps not.
17:17Hiya, darling.
17:19I'm in the station buffet.
17:22The 7.45's been cancelled,
17:25so I'll be a bit late back.
17:28Well, don't worry about dinner.
17:30I'll just grab a sandwich or something.
17:32OK.
17:33Bye.
17:40Well, I take my hat off to you, Ted.
17:42You read him like a book.
17:44A rather obvious Geoffrey Archer book may be.
17:46But you spotted him straight away.
17:49It's the mistresses I feel sorry for.
17:53Years and years of hanging on
17:56and being fobbed off with empty promises
17:58and silk underwear.
18:00Were you faithful?
18:02Yes.
18:03All right, all right, all right.
18:05Perfectly reasonable question.
18:07Did you ever think of being unfaithful?
18:09Well, let's see.
18:10Does snogging when you're drunk at an office party count?
18:13No.
18:14In that case, no.
18:16What about you?
18:17Don't be stupid.
18:20Helen was a perfect woman.
18:21Why should I want anybody else?
18:24Well, all right, I did fancy Rita Hayworth,
18:26but she was married to the Aga Khan at the time,
18:30so the opportunity never arose.
18:32Is everything all right with the meal, gentlemen?
18:34Oh, absolutely marvellous.
18:36Isn't it, Shelley?
18:37Oh.
18:39Ah, yes.
18:39The peppers are a bit sneaky in that dish, aren't they?
18:42They tend to hide behind a piece of land disguised as spinach.
18:45I can never look at that.
18:47Much too hot for me.
18:48I must apologise for embroiling you in our family troubles.
18:58I'm afraid Ravi is in the kitchen arguing with his mother.
19:01He reminds me of myself at his age.
19:04Did you have an arranged marriage then?
19:05In my day, there was no choice.
19:07An arranged marriage was a financial necessity.
19:10Of course, in your society, you don't get dowries when you wed.
19:13No, we get fondue sets.
19:15I'm afraid Ravi won't be swayed.
19:21At least he won't listen to us.
19:24If he were to receive some advice from an impartial quarter...
19:29Oh, well, I don't really think that we could...
19:32If you could just persuade him to meet her, at least.
19:34That's all.
19:36I think he's got a girlfriend.
19:38Well, then why haven't we met her?
19:40Well, I don't know.
19:40Perhaps she's not the sort of girl you can take home to meet your parents.
19:42Perhaps she's a stripper.
19:45If you could just have a word with the boy, we'd be so grateful.
19:54I don't think Ravi would listen to either of us, Mr. Petty.
19:57I mean, I know I wouldn't listen to either of us.
20:00Mr. Bishop, you're a man of wisdom.
20:02I'm sure Ravi would listen to you.
20:04We're desperate.
20:05Well, I suppose there's no harm in him just meeting her.
20:08I could try.
20:09Of course, you'll have to handle the matter with some tact.
20:12Oh, my God.
20:15I can be tactful.
20:17You'd be surprised.
20:17I'd be amazed.
20:19You'll just leave the whole thing to me, Mr. Petty.
20:23Obviously, Ravi must not know that we've spoken like this.
20:26Otherwise, he'd...
20:28I'm telling you, Mr. Bishop, that Capital Dave is a far better all-rounder than Ian Botham.
20:32What?
20:34Oh, well, I don't agree with you.
20:36Well, I can't sit here arguing with you about cricket all evening.
20:39I've work to do.
20:40What did my father want?
20:45Oh, just a chat about this and that.
20:48I bet.
20:50Listen, my friends, I'm sorry about all this domestic friction,
20:54but I'm afraid I'm going to have to leave you now,
20:56as I don't want to be here when this girl arrives.
20:58Oh, I see.
21:00We didn't really fulfil our purpose then, did we?
21:03What do you mean, Ted?
21:04Well, that's why you invited us to dinner, wasn't it?
21:07Your parents were expecting just you,
21:09but you thought if you turned up with guests,
21:12they would be too polite to push the matter of your marriage.
21:15But what you hadn't planned for was them inviting the girl along.
21:20That is where your strategy went wrong.
21:23God, he's turning into Hercule Poirier.
21:28I don't know what you're talking about, Ted.
21:31Oh, Ravi, stop poncing about and just meet the girl.
21:34Thank you, Poirier Stucuela.
21:36Well, why don't you just meet her?
21:39Where's the harm?
21:40So that's what my father was talking to you about,
21:42and I thought you were both on my side.
21:44Look, no one's on anyone's side.
21:46Ted's just saying there's no harm in meeting her, that's all.
21:49No, I won't be pushed around.
21:51OK, Ravi, keep your voice down.
21:52You stay out of this.
21:53Excuse me, can we have the bill, please?
21:55Certainly, sir.
21:55Oh, no, there she goes.
22:02Every Thursday this happens.
22:04You're not going, Ravi.
22:05Yes, Father, I'm going.
22:06No, wait, talk it over with Mr Bishop and Mr Shelley.
22:09I'm sure they have some very sound, impartial advice for you.
22:12Well, he's just had it.
22:14Stop poncing about, wasn't it, Ted?
22:16I'm going.
22:17Ravi, you can't go now.
22:19I'm sorry, Mother.
22:20Mr Bishop, tell him how foolish he's been.
22:23Mr Shelley.
22:24I'm sorry, Mrs Betty.
22:25It's really no use you trying to involve me and Ted in this.
22:29Now, Ravi is obviously a strong-willed, independent young man
22:33with a mind of his own,
22:35and you're just going to have to accept
22:36that there's just no way he'll agree to an arranged marriage.
22:40Let's face it.
22:41It's his life,
22:43and if he doesn't want to meet this girl, then that's his choice.
22:47I can't agree with you there, Mr Shelley.
22:49Hey, the least I can do is listen to the wishes of my parents.
22:52Eh?
22:54After all, I should respect their wishes
22:57and the traditions of my culture.
22:59Won't you introduce us, Father?
23:01Of course.
23:07Ah, well.
23:09That's the last time I speak up on behalf of someone.
23:12I feel a right Burke.
23:15It's your own fault.
23:16You shouldn't try to foist your advice on people.
23:18Oh, that's rich.
23:20You're the one who started dishing out the advice,
23:22telling him to choose carefully,
23:24warning him about loveless marriages.
23:26What do you mean?
23:27I'm not pushy with my advice.
23:28You are.
23:29You're like Claire Rayner on speed.
23:33You just can't resist telling people
23:35what you think they should do.
23:37No, no, no, no, no.
23:39That's not me at all.
23:40I'm just going to the toilet, love.
23:41It is.
23:42You're opinionated, nosy and tactless.
23:46That's rubbish.
23:48Do you want a hand, dear?
23:50Allow me.
23:53There.
23:54I should ditch him if I were you, dear.
23:55He'll never leave.
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