- 15/05/2025
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TVTranscript
00:00I'll see you next time.
00:3039 pence, please.
00:33Yeah.
00:34Have you got anything smaller?
00:36Yes, I've got pockets bursting with change.
00:38I'm just giving you this to cause you the maximum inconvenience.
00:41I can't change it.
00:44You got change. There.
00:46I'm saving that.
00:48Who for?
00:49People who need change.
00:52You could always buy something else, make it up to a pound.
00:56How about a shotgun?
00:57You could hire a video.
01:00Oh, yes.
01:02Rip them off.
01:04I want to suck your brain dry.
01:09Revenge of the lesbian werewolf.
01:12Haven't you got anything a little more juicy?
01:15We've got all sorts there. We've even got Bambi.
01:18Oh, yes.
01:19I expect it's the X-certificate version.
01:22Where Bambi, in blind rage,
01:23at his mother's death,
01:25napalms the woodcutter's cottage,
01:27joins in the gangbang of a squirrel,
01:29and then finally massacres Thumper with a chainsaw.
01:32I don't have a video recorder.
01:36I don't have a car.
01:38I just urgently need these aspirins.
01:41Have you got a headache?
01:42No, but I will have soon.
01:45Now, listen.
01:47You see, it's my mum's birthday,
01:49and I am going to have to sit through an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical.
01:54Now I understand.
01:55Right.
01:56So, can I have the aspirin?
01:58Sorry, I can't change a fiver.
02:01Do you know, I think there's going to be a new video out.
02:03Yeah?
02:04Mm.
02:04It's called Revenge of the Psychopathic Aspirin Buyer.
02:08Er, excuse me.
02:09I was here first.
02:10You have to queue to annoy this man.
02:14On the other hand,
02:15you do appear to be in rather a hurry.
02:17On the floor!
02:18On the floor.
02:19On the floor.
02:19I should point out that there's no need to worry about me having a go or anything.
02:25I'm a state-registered coward.
02:28I even fainted the violence in the Waltons.
02:31Look, shut up!
02:33Well, at least that's one way of getting some change out of you.
02:36Right, turn it out of your pockets.
02:37Let's turn it out of your pockets.
02:40What are these?
02:42Tickets for Phantom of the Opera.
02:44Don't bother.
02:45It's crap.
02:45Is that all you've got where you can have my watch?
02:51Well, credit me with some taste.
02:54Don't forget your free set of tumblers.
03:07Very efficient, weren't they?
03:10Sorry.
03:11I was too busy being terrified to grade him for a time and motion study.
03:18How are you so calm?
03:20You get used to it.
03:21That's the third time it's happened.
03:23You should count yourself lucky.
03:24Last time, they super glued my head to the counter.
03:28What an exciting prospect.
03:31Well, I suppose we should introduce ourselves.
03:34I'm Willian Cain,
03:35and I'm a petrol station attendant.
03:38Get away.
03:39I'm James Shelley.
03:43Sarcastic git.
03:46I'll tell you what.
03:47Look, put your arm with me right through here.
03:52What are you doing?
03:53Right.
03:55There.
03:56Cushions.
03:57One for you,
03:58and one for me.
04:00You can't sit on the saleable goods.
04:03Two for me.
04:04All right, all right.
04:04There.
04:08Now.
04:10Ah.
04:12There.
04:14Now we can sit back.
04:18Calm down.
04:19Relax.
04:22God, I'm meeting my mother in half an hour.
04:24You might be all right.
04:27At least this rat isn't bolted to the floor.
04:29Maybe we can drag it a little way.
04:31Oh, that's all right.
04:32Then I'll drag it to the theatre behind me.
04:35Sure it won't spoil our evening.
04:37Me and my mother in the upper circle.
04:40Chained to a petrol station attendant
04:42and a rack of video nasties.
04:44And she'll be annoyed.
04:47Well,
04:47just a little.
04:50She's come all the way from Torquay
04:51on a coach for this.
04:53She lives in Torquay, does she?
04:56No, she lives in Outer Mongolia.
04:58She's just coming the long way round.
05:01Yes,
05:02she lives in Torquay.
05:04She found it where,
05:05well,
05:06it had a better climate for growing her pot.
05:09Your mum grows dope?
05:12Yeah.
05:12She's a warden
05:14at an old people's home.
05:16She's got it in the window boxes
05:18of all their bungalows.
05:19She calls it ginseng.
05:21Puts it in the cakes at the discos.
05:24Could be the next big hit
05:25on the club circuit.
05:27Can you imagine it?
05:28Lots of stoned OAPs
05:30doing handstands
05:32on their walking frames
05:33to Mantovani's greatest hits.
05:37Drugs are dangerous.
05:38Do you know
05:39even the caffeine in coffee
05:40can warp the personality?
05:41I know.
05:42I've seen the ad
05:43starring Gareth Hunt.
05:46God!
05:48You know,
05:49you're getting tense,
05:50aren't you?
05:52Every time you get tense,
05:54toxins are released
05:55into the bloodstream
05:56that go straight to the brain.
05:58Now,
05:58I don't have that problem.
05:59No,
06:00the toxins can't find the brain.
06:08I know how to relax,
06:10you see.
06:10Well,
06:10you should try it.
06:12All you have to do
06:13is identify
06:14what makes you tense.
06:16Already have.
06:18Crackpot medical theories.
06:19You just need to accept
06:24we're going to be here
06:25for a while
06:26and relax.
06:28Do you know
06:28any good songs?
06:29How about the sound
06:30of silence?
06:32All right,
06:33I'll start.
06:34Hang on,
06:34someone's coming.
06:36There is a god after all.
06:38Hello!
06:39What's going on here?
06:43Oh,
06:44there's been a robbery,
06:46hasn't there?
06:46Yes.
06:47Could you phone the police?
06:49Oh,
06:50oh,
06:50I see.
06:52Oh.
06:55They've used handcuffs.
06:57No,
06:57no,
06:57we're just a couple
06:58of masochists
06:59on and out.
07:00Now,
07:00please,
07:01can you phone the police?
07:03Oh,
07:04dear,
07:04what's the world
07:05coming to?
07:06There's a robbery
07:07every time
07:08you turn your back.
07:09Yes.
07:09Terrible,
07:10isn't it?
07:11Yes.
07:12You're really stuck there.
07:14Yes!
07:16I just popped in
07:17for a chocolate.
07:19Ah,
07:20you know,
07:21one of those
07:22in the head
07:23where all the
07:25out-of-work actors
07:26run round
07:27this tropical island.
07:30Have you got
07:30one of those?
07:31Yeah,
07:32I think you'll find us.
07:32No,
07:32no,
07:33no,
07:33we haven't.
07:34We've been robbed.
07:35We haven't chained ourselves
07:36up here for fun,
07:37you know.
07:38Yes,
07:38you have.
07:42This is the one
07:43I want.
07:44Never mind the chocolate.
07:45Just phone the police.
07:47Oh,
07:47I'm sorry,
07:48I can't do that,
07:49love.
07:50My phone's been cut off,
07:52same as yours.
07:53Well,
07:54use a public telephone box.
07:56How much is this?
07:5722 pence.
07:58Don't encourage her.
08:00Oh,
08:00I've only got a father.
08:02Can't change it.
08:04Well,
08:04why not buy something else
08:05to make up the money?
08:07Why not browse around the shop
08:08while we sit here
08:09like a couple of billets?
08:10Why not,
08:11why not rent a video?
08:12I've seen them all already.
08:18I'll pay you on Monday.
08:21You can't do that.
08:22But what are you going to do
08:26about it,
08:26baby?
08:28In fact,
08:29in fact,
08:30I'll pay you more.
08:34Oh,
08:35no,
08:35no,
08:35no,
08:35please,
08:36please stop.
08:37No,
08:37no,
08:38I'll give you a fiver.
08:39I'll pay you five pounds
08:41if you ring some...
08:42I'll pay you more.
08:44Oh,
08:45I was lucky.
08:49What?
08:50I didn't take your fiver.
08:52Oh,
08:53fantastic.
08:55Hello there.
08:56Oh,
08:56thank God.
08:59You have been robbed,
09:00haven't you?
09:01No,
09:01we're a couple of
09:02escapologists
09:03on our coffee break.
09:05This old,
09:05this old lady
09:06chewing on two chocolate bars
09:08told me,
09:08but I didn't know
09:09where there could be
09:09leave her.
09:10510 here.
09:12We have a robber
09:13at the Fletcher Street Garage.
09:15We'll need a mobile,
09:15please.
09:16Out.
09:17You're sort of stuck here,
09:18aren't you?
09:20Well spotted.
09:22Let's wait for the car.
09:23They'll have something
09:23to get you out.
09:24Then we can take a statement.
09:26Do you both work here?
09:28No.
09:29He was going to see
09:29an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical,
09:31so he'd come in
09:32to buy some aspirins.
09:33A suicide attempt,
09:34was it?
09:37It might as well be
09:38if she doesn't get
09:39those tickets.
09:41510,
09:41you're receiving over.
09:42510 here.
09:43Any description?
09:44Yes,
09:45okay.
09:46Well,
09:46they want to know
09:47if you've got a description.
09:48Yes,
09:48one of them
09:49was carrying
09:49a large black and white panda.
09:52He carried a large
09:53black and white panda
09:54with him
09:55whilst committing a robbery.
09:57No,
09:57he took it.
09:58Ah.
10:00Anything else?
10:01Oh,
10:01come on,
10:01that's not bad.
10:02I mean,
10:02the streets around here
10:03are hardly going to be packed
10:04with blokes
10:05carrying large
10:06black and white pandas.
10:08All right.
10:09All right.
10:10Um,
10:11no description.
10:13Well,
10:14they won't believe me
10:15if I tell them that.
10:16They'll just take the Mickey.
10:19It's a long story
10:20you probably
10:21don't want to hear.
10:23Well,
10:23you see,
10:23I'm a university graduate
10:25and as I tell the others,
10:26it's terribly important
10:27that intelligent people
10:28like me
10:29join the force.
10:30Because,
10:31frankly,
10:31as I say,
10:32the average Bobby's
10:33a bit of a thicko.
10:35But then,
10:36they just make fun of me.
10:38I think I can see why.
10:41Yesterday,
10:41they burnt my guardian.
10:43And then I found
10:44it all peed in my helmet.
10:47That's something
10:48they don't tell you
10:49about in the ads.
10:52Join the Metropolitan Police.
10:55There's the excitement
10:56of being out on the beat,
10:57the satisfaction
10:58of doing an important job,
11:00and the exhilaration
11:01of urinating
11:02in each other's helmet.
11:06I just hope
11:07you weren't wearing it
11:08at the time.
11:11Then,
11:11last week,
11:12they stole my riot shield.
11:14And when I got it back,
11:15they'd stenciled
11:16Wayne and Tracy on it.
11:19Who said the police
11:20don't have a sense of humour?
11:23Listen,
11:24do you think
11:24you might get on
11:25a bit better
11:26if you just didn't
11:27tell your mates
11:28that they're dum-dums?
11:30Oh,
11:30but they are,
11:31you see.
11:32I've got some
11:33rather bad news.
11:37What's that?
11:39All that talk.
11:40I need to use a gents.
11:44Looks like we could be
11:45needing your helmet
11:47after you.
11:52Thank God
11:53the wash basin
11:54was near enough.
11:55It's strange
11:58how difficult
11:59it can be going
12:00when there's so many
12:00people around.
12:03It was a strain
12:04for all of us.
12:09Careful with the act.
12:10We don't want to damage it.
12:11Oh, no.
12:20It's Dempsey
12:21and Makepeace.
12:24Worse.
12:25It's Inspector Guskett.
12:26He's the meanest
12:26of the lot.
12:27As long as he gets
12:28me out of these,
12:28I don't care
12:29if he's a close relation
12:30to Count Dracula
12:31or even
12:33Chief Constable
12:33Anderton.
12:37Hello,
12:38it's the professor.
12:40I expect he's already
12:41worked out who did it
12:42with his amazing
12:43university-trained
12:45X-ray brain power.
12:48Mind you,
12:49I can see what you mean.
12:51Locked you two up,
12:52did they?
12:53No,
12:53we've been clamped.
12:54They do it to people now
12:59as well as cars.
13:02Well,
13:03I suppose we'd better
13:03get you free
13:04at some point.
13:08Go and see
13:09if we've got a saw
13:09in the car.
13:10Look,
13:11if it's going to take
13:11a long time,
13:12perhaps somebody
13:13could get a message
13:14to my mother.
13:15Oh, I know.
13:15We could get a panel.
13:16Shut up.
13:18Oh,
13:19so you've got
13:19some tasty ones here.
13:21What's this?
13:22Die,
13:23die,
13:23die.
13:24Yes,
13:25it's a film
13:25about a very deaf
13:26Welshman.
13:29Oh,
13:30you've got
13:31Eradicator 3.
13:32Is that the one
13:33where the vigilantes
13:34play football
13:34with a muggers' head?
13:35No, no, no,
13:36this is much more refined.
13:38This is where
13:38they play billiards
13:39with his ghoulies.
13:42Oh, yeah.
13:43Don't mind
13:44if I borrow it anyway,
13:45do you?
13:45Yes, I do.
13:46You have to join
13:47a video club first.
13:48I think it's important
13:50we do nothing
13:50which could be
13:51misconstrued
13:51as an abuse
13:52of police powers.
13:53put a sock
13:57in it,
13:58Einstein.
13:59I'll tell you what,
14:00I'll even bring it back,
14:01eh?
14:02No.
14:03Oh,
14:03sod it then.
14:04I'll take a statement.
14:06Now,
14:07what I want
14:07is descriptions
14:08of the villains.
14:10Right,
14:10well,
14:11we didn't see their faces
14:13but they were both
14:14of medium height.
14:16No, no,
14:16one was quite short
14:17with blonde hair.
14:18No, no, no,
14:19they were both dark
14:20and they wore sweatshirts,
14:21jeans and trainers.
14:23No,
14:23one had an anorak
14:24and tracksuit bottoms.
14:27That's nice and clear then.
14:28Well,
14:30this is clear.
14:31One of them
14:31had been to see
14:32Phantom of the Opera.
14:33How do you know that?
14:35He said it was crap.
14:37He suddenly started
14:38discussing theatre
14:39in the middle
14:39of a hold-up.
14:40No, no, no,
14:41you see what?
14:41Gov,
14:42I think I might be able
14:43to get them separated.
14:45I found Exhibit B
14:46from the McFadden GBH.
15:13Get the fire brigade
15:14round here
15:15with some cutting equipment.
15:17How much did they take?
15:18Only £40.
15:20The rest was in the night safe.
15:21When you go bargain,
15:22these old bracelets
15:23are worth more than that.
15:25They're better than the ones
15:26that we're issued with.
15:28That's what really hacked me off
15:29when I was on the Vice Squad.
15:31The sadomasochists
15:32have better quality handcuffs
15:33than we did.
15:35It's no wonder
15:36crime's going up so fast.
15:38We've got no resources
15:39and what's the government
15:40doing about it?
15:41Oh, lots.
15:42You obviously haven't heard
15:43about the plans
15:44to privatise the police.
15:45Eh?
15:46Yes, you lot
15:47have got to start
15:48making money.
15:49Soon panda cars
15:50will come up behind you
15:51and a sign will light up
15:52saying,
15:53Stop!
15:53Police!
15:54PLC!
15:55All major credit cards
15:56accepted.
15:57That'll be the day.
15:58the police force
16:00will never be
16:00a profit-making organisation.
16:02I thought the Vice Squad
16:03already was.
16:08Bad news, Gav.
16:09Yeah?
16:10Some Iranian students
16:11round the corner
16:12set fire to an effigy
16:13of President Bush
16:14and the whole
16:14all the residents
16:14has gone up in flames.
16:17So?
16:17So no fire engine
16:20with cutting equipment.
16:22Exactly.
16:24Oh.
16:26Look,
16:26I'm supposed to be
16:27meeting my mother
16:28five minutes ago
16:29and the Phantom
16:29starts in 25 minutes.
16:31Perhaps if I give them
16:32a ring
16:32they come round
16:33and perform it here.
16:36Is that it?
16:38Oh!
16:39I've got an idea.
16:40Has the computer brain
16:42come up with
16:42some brilliant solution?
16:44What if we were to
16:45chain either end
16:45of the handcuffs
16:46to two car bumpers
16:47and get them to
16:48drive off in different
16:49directions at the same time?
16:55It would break
16:56both our wrists.
16:59I'm willing to try.
17:01Look.
17:03Perhaps someone
17:03could just take
17:05the tickets to the theatre.
17:06I'm afraid that
17:07won't be possible.
17:08No.
17:09Not under
17:10normal circumstances.
17:11You got two tickets there?
17:16Yes.
17:17Well, for Phantom of the Opera?
17:18Yes.
17:18One for your mother
17:19and the other one for you?
17:21Yes.
17:22Well, I suppose
17:22that one's much use
17:23to anyone now, is it?
17:24No.
17:26Well, I suppose
17:27as a public service
17:28I could run them in.
17:30Ah, so you want to see it?
17:32Don't you not?
17:34Look, I'm offering
17:34to take your mother
17:35her ticket.
17:35Do you want that?
17:37All right.
17:38I've nothing to lose.
17:40Victor, get the car
17:40started up.
17:42How will I recognise her?
17:43Does she look like you?
17:44No.
17:44That's a relief.
17:46Now, look for a woman
17:46about 60
17:47pacing back and forth
17:49by the box office
17:50chain-smoking
17:51and muttering under her breath
17:52bloody shelly.
17:53I might have known
17:54I couldn't trust him.
17:55Right.
17:56And, er,
17:56give her
17:57this birthday card.
17:58We could all sign that.
18:00LAUGHTER
18:01Er, Inspector Guscott here.
18:03I've got a lead
18:04on this petrol station job
18:05that's going to take me
18:06up to West End.
18:07Should take me about, er...
18:09Two and a half hours.
18:10Two and a half hours.
18:13I'll report back
18:14to the station.
18:15You, Professor,
18:16take the statements
18:17and wait for the fire brigade.
18:19Er, I do hope
18:20you enjoy it.
18:21Enjoy what?
18:24He's only got
18:2420 minutes
18:25till it starts.
18:26He'll never make it
18:26to the pier.
18:27Oh, I don't know.
18:31I think he just might.
18:33I'll spy
18:43with my little eye
18:44something beginning
18:46with B.
18:50I can't see anything
18:51beginning with B.
18:54Bloody uncomfortable chair.
18:55bloody useless handcuffs.
19:02Bloody hopeless fire brigade.
19:04I thought you weren't playing.
19:06Where are they?
19:07Finishing a game
19:08of volleyball.
19:09Well, actually,
19:10the fire brigade...
19:10Yes, I know, I know.
19:11We're hardly
19:12on the top
19:12of their priority list.
19:15Somewhere behind
19:16cats up trees.
19:18What are we going to do?
19:19I know.
19:21Badminton set.
19:24I spy
19:25a badminton set.
19:28You're not even close.
19:30510, you're receiving.
19:31Oh, at last.
19:32510, receiving.
19:34Right.
19:36Right.
19:39Right, I'll tell him.
19:40The fire brigade.
19:41Your mum.
19:42At the end of the first act,
19:44she says,
19:44thanks for the tickets,
19:45but it's a load of crap.
19:47So the inspector's
19:48taking her out
19:49for a meal instead.
19:51She never did
19:52have any taste in men.
19:54So it's a good job
19:55she didn't tell him
19:56about her window boxes, eh?
19:59510, reading.
20:00510, 14, Crocodile Road.
20:02Right away.
20:03There's been a mugging
20:03round the corner.
20:04I've got to go.
20:05What about us?
20:06We could starve here.
20:07I'll be back in a minute,
20:08I promise.
20:10At this rate,
20:11we'll still be chained up
20:12when they come back
20:13for their next robbery.
20:15No, not that, Pear.
20:17They wouldn't do
20:18the same place twice.
20:22You know?
20:24Oh, yeah, I recognised them.
20:26They were a couple of lads
20:26off of the estate.
20:28Why didn't you tell the police?
20:31I'll tell their uncle first.
20:33Mrs. Thatcher's
20:34short, sharp shop
20:35is nothing compared to his.
20:39You sure you didn't
20:40know what to tell the Rossers?
20:41No.
20:42A custodial sentence
20:44would only set them
20:44on an escalating spiral
20:46of criminality.
20:47Thank you, Lord Longvict.
20:50Yeah.
20:52I was only 16.
20:5416?
20:55The indignity of being
20:56terrorised by children.
20:59Next thing,
21:00I'll be held up
21:00by raiders in paddy pants,
21:02brandishing sawn-off rattles
21:05and threatening to bang me
21:06over the head
21:07with their Farley's Rusks.
21:12You really don't get
21:13easily upset,
21:14do you?
21:16You'd be surprised.
21:17I used to be something
21:19of a revolutionary.
21:21Oh.
21:22Threatening to overthrow
21:23the state, were you?
21:24Oh, no, no.
21:25Just like you.
21:26All mouth and no action.
21:30Mind you,
21:31I even give up on that.
21:33I mean,
21:33when you start worrying
21:34about what's wrong
21:35with the world,
21:35where do you stop?
21:37The last time
21:38I started mouthing off again,
21:39I got into trouble.
21:41What happened?
21:42They super glued
21:42me head to the counter.
21:47Mind you,
21:49I suppose the middle
21:50of an armed robbery
21:51isn't the best time
21:52to start philosophising.
21:54Hello.
21:56What's happened here, then?
21:57We've been robbed.
21:58You sound like
21:59a football manager.
22:01You open?
22:02No, not really.
22:04Oh.
22:04Well, can me gran
22:05use a toilet anyway?
22:06Strictly speaking.
22:07Yes.
22:08Cheers.
22:10You chained up, are you?
22:12No, it's a new form
22:13of designer jewellery.
22:15Ah, she'll fix that for you.
22:17You watch.
22:18Here, gran.
22:20Can you do a handcuff?
22:22These two.
22:23No problem.
22:24Well, the police
22:25couldn't pick it.
22:27Police couldn't pick flowers.
22:30There you go.
22:33Amazing what they teach
22:35them down the over-60s
22:36club these days.
22:38Yeah, well, gran's got
22:39a bit of a checkered past.
22:41There.
22:42Now I'll use your facilities.
22:44I'll wait for her in the car.
22:48Amazing.
22:49She's probably on her way
22:51to jelly the safe
22:52at the Derby and Joan club.
22:54Maybe she should team up
22:56with your mum.
22:59What?
23:01I've got a terrible headache.
23:04Why don't you buy some
23:05aspirins?
23:08Excellent idea.
23:11Here.
23:12Sorry.
23:13I can't change a fiber.
23:14LAUGHTER
23:15APPLAUSE
23:16I can't change a fiber.
23:17I can't change a fiber.
23:18I can't change a fiber.
23:18I can't change a fiber.
23:19I can't change a fiber.
23:19I can't change a fiber.
23:20I can't change a fiber.
23:21I can't change a fiber.
23:21I can't change a fiber.
23:22I can't change a fiber.
23:22I can't change a fiber.
23:23I can't change a fiber.
23:23I can't change a fiber.
23:24I can't change a fiber.
23:25I can't change a fiber.
23:25I can't change a fiber.
23:26I can't change a fiber.
23:26I can't change a fiber.
23:27I can't change a fiber.
23:27I can't change a fiber.
23:28I can't change a fiber.
23:28I can't change a fiber.
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