- 05/05/2025
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00:28Well, what do you think?
00:39It's dreadful, Lawrence. It's the worst commercial I've ever seen.
00:42Look what it cost.
00:44For that kind of money, I could sell the Communist Manifesto to the National Front.
00:48Who authorised it? Cyril?
00:50Yes.
00:50God, he's useless.
00:51He couldn't sell half-price whiskey at an alcoholic's convention.
00:55Well, he did do well with that butter.
00:58There was a shortage on. People were panic-buying.
01:02Could have sold paraffin wax if it had a cow on the label.
01:06The Tories had Cyril. They'd be sharing a taxi with the Scottish nationalists.
01:11He's passed it. He's a sand-headed, bigoted, amiable old idiot.
01:15He's not that old.
01:17He's the reason we keep Michael on, isn't he?
01:19Well, Michael has won awards with his commercials.
01:21Oh, sure he has, but he doesn't sell anything.
01:23He just clutters us up with cups and gongs.
01:27I mean, what about that music?
01:28Well...
01:29Yeah, well, I know it's very good music, Lawrence, but we want a jingle.
01:32I mean, that tune's harder to memorise than Bruckner's Ninth.
01:36The product shot through so many gauzes and soft-focused lenses,
01:39I don't know if it's soap powder or a chocolate bar.
01:43Morning, Ken.
01:44Morning.
01:44That commercial stinks.
01:48Yes, we were just saying it was perhaps a bit upmarket for the product.
01:51I don't know what the product is yet.
01:53I've seen the ad three times.
01:55I can't work out whether it's pushing women's dresses, windmills or bicycles.
02:00Morning.
02:00Morning.
02:01Morning.
02:02Morning.
02:02Morning.
02:04Hi.
02:04This it?
02:06Yes.
02:07Truthful packet.
02:07No wonder Michael blurs it on the film.
02:09Yes, well, I'll leave you to get on with it.
02:11See you later.
02:12Bye.
02:14Okay.
02:15Well, I take it we've all seen the commercial?
02:17Yes.
02:17Well, we've got to do something better than that.
02:19Couldn't do any worse.
02:21Yes, thanks, Ken.
02:21We know the situation.
02:22Okay, here we go.
02:23So, this is it.
02:26Freeze-dried garbage.
02:28You merely add boiling water.
02:31Wait a few minutes and the water combines with this dehydrated muck to produce hydrated muck.
02:38So ease of preparation is its thing.
02:41As for its nutritional properties, I've checked with the manufacturers and they tell me it's rich in vitamins and minerals.
02:47They know that because they spray them on separately afterwards.
02:50It is produced under clean, hygienic conditions and has three sterilizing processes.
02:56All superfluous because there isn't a germ alive.
02:58What could live on this stuff?
03:00So it won't kill anyone.
03:02It won't produce a master race of supermen either, but it is physically, at any rate, harmless.
03:07Also, it will keep for long periods without any deterioration in its quality.
03:11Ho, ho, ho.
03:13It's called paella and, unsurprisingly, bears no relation to the Spanish delicacy of the same name.
03:20Now, I know this isn't the kind of food you'd like your wife or servants to eat,
03:24but in the interest of selling the stuff, we are all going to taste it.
03:28Oh, ho.
03:29No excuses.
03:30Don't care if you have brought a note.
03:32This is work.
03:36We, uh, we have a doctor standing by.
03:40Bon appetit.
03:41So, what do you think?
03:52Well, it's not actually positively repulsive.
03:56No, right, it's just bland.
03:59Nondescript, both taste and texture.
04:01Yeah, I agree.
04:02It's just straightforward rubbish food.
04:05So that's the first thing going for it.
04:07The predominant flavour is?
04:09Monosodium glutamate.
04:11Which, as we know, is flavour of the month every month.
04:13The colours are bright and synthetic looking, and it's free of any worrying natural taste.
04:18Any meat in it?
04:20Well, not real meat.
04:21Shaped pieces, eked out with soya protein.
04:23You see, the thing I think this has got going for it is it doesn't present any problems to the eater.
04:29The texture's bland.
04:30The meat, as you say, is shaped pieces, so there's no fibre or anything you have to chew.
04:35There's no bones, no pips.
04:37Nothing has to be cut up.
04:38I mean, it's, uh, rainbow-coloured, grown-up baby food.
04:43I think we really ought to be able to shift this.
04:45Any particular worries?
04:47It is foreign, Mark.
04:48Well, there's an element of that, granted, but then our food is foreign, Mark, now.
04:53Greek kebabs, biryanis, Chinese takeaways, Italian pizzas.
04:57Only place you get English food these days is toromelinos.
05:01True.
05:02Yeah, I think it's a cinch.
05:03Gordy garbage.
05:04How can we fail?
05:05I think it's too easy.
05:07How do you mean?
05:08Well, as I say, I don't feel that Mum thinks she's done enough if she just pours boiling water over it.
05:12I mean, frying fish fingers, that's skill, isn't it?
05:15Grilling sausages, that's real cooking.
05:17And warming things in the oven, that's positively ethnic.
05:21This, this is too easy, I think.
05:23What about, uh, a technology angle?
05:25Hmm.
05:26Now, I wondered about that.
05:27Did astronauts have freeze-dried food at all?
05:30What, I know?
05:31Developed as a part of space research.
05:33Someday all food will be like, then.
05:34God help us.
05:35No, no, no, that's the sort of thing.
05:37Uh, how about a digital display, yeah?
05:39And a kettle shaped like a satellite or something to a boil of water?
05:43Mm, no.
05:44We're getting very, very near chemicals there.
05:45People won't buy food with chemicals.
05:47They've been buying it for years.
05:49No, Claire's right.
05:50I think the answer is to meet it head on.
05:52Mum's got far too many, much more important things to do for her time to be wasted with unnecessary, old-fashioned cooking.
05:58Ah, now, that is nice.
05:59Get on her side.
06:01Bored kids being neglected while Victorian mum peels potatoes.
06:04Shells peanuts.
06:04Makes pastry.
06:06Kids being run over because mum's stuck in the kitchen.
06:11How about dad not getting enough because mum's worn out from cooking?
06:17Now, that's a good angle.
06:19Mum being sexually viable.
06:21I like that.
06:22Could do it with comedy.
06:24What do you mean?
06:25Nookie or shepherd's pike, aren't you?
06:26Absolutely.
06:28That's very good.
06:29It's like a yes or no pillow.
06:31What?
06:32A yes or no pillow.
06:34You know, if it's kitchen secret paella for supper, tonight's the night.
06:39Blimey, we'll have to ration the stuff.
06:42Sorry to interrupt.
06:43Have you got any cassettes?
06:44Cyril wants one.
06:45Mm, one on the machine.
06:46Thanks.
06:47Who's making the commercials?
06:49Michael?
06:50Of course, he's our director.
06:51Oh, well then, we're sunk.
06:53Back to Laura Ashley dresses and vintage bicycles.
06:57I'll handle Michael.
06:58Handle him.
06:59You'll need a blunt instrument.
07:00Yes, that's my problem, Ken.
07:01All you've got to do is go away and come up with a theme.
07:04Brilliant, defective and cheap.
07:05Ask for nothing more.
07:07You doing that research today?
07:08Yes.
07:08Great.
07:09Well, see you tomorrow.
07:10All right.
07:10That was quick.
07:15Mm.
07:16Good, then.
07:18Oh, God, why do I have to deal with Michael?
07:20You'll cope.
07:21You got him to make a terrific ad for that Hawkins Hammer account.
07:24You know what Michael wanted?
07:25What?
07:26Carpenters on their way to work.
07:28Circa 1900.
07:29Guess how carpenters got to work in 1900?
07:31Not on bloody bicycles.
07:33Yeah.
07:33Waving cheerily to blushing peasant girls working in the fields.
07:37Wearing Laura Ashley dresses.
07:38How do you guess?
07:39The hammer sales would have gone into a nosedive.
07:43Where's the cassette?
07:45Hmm?
07:46Oh, er, Ruth borrowed it for Cyril.
07:48Do you wipe it?
07:49Why should I?
07:50It has your remarks vis-a-vis Cyril on it.
07:53I was copying the commercial soundtrack on it.
07:56Microphone recording?
07:57Yes, the jack on the video's broken.
08:00Oh, my God.
08:01I called him a...
08:02Sand-headed?
08:03Bigoted?
08:03Amiable?
08:03...old idiot.
08:05Oh, no!
08:06Excuse me.
08:09Oh, hello, Cyril.
08:11Oh, hello, Shelley.
08:12Working on the old paella?
08:14Um, yes, yes, that's right.
08:16Look, I wonder...
08:16Wasn't that film marvellous?
08:19The one Michael made?
08:21Well...
08:21Bloody marvellous!
08:23That'll win us an award.
08:24You mark my words.
08:25Oh, I'm sure it will.
08:26Absolutely.
08:27Uh, I wonder if I...
08:28Look, er, don't want to be rude.
08:29Got to dash.
08:30It seems Ruth mixed up my appointments and I'm late for lunch.
08:33Ah, yes, yes, of course.
08:34Er, that cassette.
08:35What?
08:35One Ruth borrowed.
08:36Short of them, are you?
08:37Well, no, but I wondered if I would...
08:39Send out for some, will you?
08:42Send Ruth out.
08:43What's on it?
08:43Anything special?
08:44Oh, no, no, no.
08:45Er, nothing like that.
08:46Well, only the commercial soundtrack.
08:48Is it?
08:49Excellent.
08:49My God, that music's marvellous.
08:52Marvellous, yes.
08:53Based on Bruckner's Ninth, you know.
08:55It is sometimes.
08:57Oh, yes, it is.
08:58Inspired choice.
08:59Well, I won't wipe that tape then, eh?
09:01I'll keep it, eh?
09:02And listen to it, eh?
09:03Every now and then, eh?
09:04Well, so long, my spash.
09:06Toodaloo!
09:07Cheery, Pip.
09:14Something wrong, Mr Shelley?
09:15Yeah, do you have a key by any chance?
09:17Well, I do, but Michael's borrowed it.
09:19Yeah?
09:19Where's he gone?
09:20He's out looking at film occasions.
09:21Where's he gone?
09:22A bike factory?
09:23A late district.
09:24He's coming back tomorrow.
09:25Tomorrow morning?
09:26Yes.
09:27Is there anything I can do?
09:29Yes.
09:30Yes, you could get me the address of the nearest labour exchange.
09:38Why didn't you ask for it when he came back?
09:40He didn't.
09:41He won't be back till tomorrow morning.
09:43Well, get it then.
09:44I'm not going into the office till the afternoon.
09:46I've got to see someone in town.
09:48I can't cancel.
09:49He's a very important client.
09:52What sort of lock's on the door?
09:54What an ordinary lock.
09:55You know, a latch like this one.
09:57Well, you could go back and get it tonight then.
09:59What do you mean?
10:01Well, those locks are simple.
10:03Break in, you mean?
10:05Hmm.
10:06Don't be silly, Fran.
10:07I can't break into the boss's office like a common thief.
10:10Have some sense.
10:14How's it done, exactly?
10:17You know how it's done.
10:18I don't know.
10:19I never got my burglary O level.
10:22You sure you can do it?
10:24Yeah.
10:25They make those locks easy.
10:26Why?
10:27So the burglars can get in.
10:30Okay, so what'll I need?
10:32Well, with a bit of skill.
10:33You could do it with a knife or a credit card.
10:34I haven't got time for acquiring skills.
10:37I can't pop down to the burglars' carriage for a sandwich course.
10:39I've got to do it now.
10:41Well, then you'll need some tools.
10:43Borrow them off Mrs H.
10:44Okay, so what'll I need for a break-in?
10:46You're not breaking in.
10:48You're affecting an entry.
10:50Oh, sorry.
10:50I didn't realise I had to pass my law exam as well.
10:54How come you know about all this?
10:56You done time or something?
10:58I always used to forget my key.
11:00You still do.
11:01And someone showed me at college.
11:03I can do it with just a knife.
11:05Okay, clever clocks.
11:07Show me how.
11:14God, I feel like Richard Nixon.
11:25Hello, Mrs H.
11:26Taking up my hammeredon, isn't?
11:30I'm frying chips.
11:31What do you want?
11:33Does Willie have a burglary outfit I could borrow by any chance?
11:37I don't know.
11:37I'll ask him.
11:38Hang on.
11:39I suppose I'll ask for that.
11:42What sort of outfit?
11:43Well, you know, a hammer, a few screwdrivers, a flat knife and a Walter PPK with a silencer.
11:51What do you want them for?
11:52I've just got to break into some premises tonight.
11:54Pardon?
11:55Well, affect an entry.
11:57I've been having lessons, but I haven't been able to afford the toolkit yet.
12:01You're getting worse instead of better.
12:03Hang on.
12:06Oh, for God's sake.
12:08Couldn't you turn them chips down?
12:10Um, the place would burn down.
12:12You wouldn't get out of that armchair.
12:14Mr Shea is borrowing your tools.
12:17Mister?
12:18Here you are, then.
12:19Bring them straight back.
12:20Oh, thanks, Mrs H.
12:21Oh, one more thing.
12:22If the police ask, Fran and I were with you all night playing whist, OK?
12:27I can't play whist?
12:28What do you want about?
12:29I'm going out tonight, anyway.
12:31Ah.
12:32Feast of Ramadan, is it?
12:35Acton foundry workers' bingo dance.
12:38I remember reading about it in William Hickey.
12:40Have a good time.
12:46Now, let's see.
12:48Hi, Tom.
13:08Evening, Mr Shelley.
13:09How are you?
13:10Can't complain.
13:12Good, good.
13:13How's your wife?
13:15Better, thanks.
13:16Oh, I'm glad.
13:16Had them out, then, is she?
13:18Last week.
13:19Mother and gallstones both doing well, eh?
13:22Seems so.
13:23Jolly good.
13:26Bit of a nip in the air tonight.
13:28Ah.
13:30Well, I suspect you're wondering, er, wondering what I'm doing here.
13:33No.
13:37No?
13:38I know what you're doing.
13:40You're trying to break in.
13:42Well, affect an entry, actually.
13:44Ah, look, what's the score, Tom?
13:48I mean, should I try and bribe you or what?
13:50Sorry to have to ask, only I'm new to this and I don't know the procedure.
13:53I mean, should I knock you senseless or say it's a fair cop-gov or what?
13:57Oh, my God, this is perfectly dreadful.
13:59I mean, should I turn a...
14:00Okay, I can try and...
14:01Go, go, go, go, go.
14:01I dare you again.
14:18Look at that.
14:19I mean, can I do it?
14:21Open up!
14:22We've got the place around you.
14:24Go, go, go.
14:25Oh, yes, yes!
14:31No, no, no!
14:33Shh!
14:37Hello!
14:41I forgot my keys. Sorry.
14:43Hello!
14:48I let your burglary go off all right then, did it?
14:52Where do you be?
14:53Dancing.
14:54Eh?
14:55Well, Willie didn't want to go, so I went instead.
14:58It's three o'clock! Where have you been till this time?
15:01We got picked up.
15:03Pardon?
15:04We were propositioned.
15:05Went back to their flat.
15:10Do you mean to tell me?
15:11No, don't get your wife runs in a twist.
15:15Our honour remains intact.
15:17Worse luck.
15:21You're drunk.
15:23There's just no hiding anything from you, Mr Holmes.
15:27Brown girl in a ring!
15:29Char-la-la-la-la!
15:30Brown girl in a ring!
15:32Char-la-la-la!
15:33She looks like a sugar in a plum plum plum plum plum!
15:37Why don't you just open the door?
15:40I mean, you've won't Miss Landis up,
15:42but Mrs Ratcliffe can only just hear you.
15:44Who's Miss Landis?
15:45She's that girl upstairs.
15:47Oh, yeah.
15:48She's a quiet one.
15:50Glad someone is.
15:51Oh, sorry, Mr Grouch.
15:54What's wrong?
15:55Have to shoot your way out tonight, did you?
16:00I've got caught.
16:04You didn't.
16:06It's all right, it was only the caretaker.
16:08Oh, so what happened?
16:10Well, I explained everything, he laughed his socks off.
16:13Did you get the tape?
16:14Yeah, he let me in with his key.
16:19Here, what did you say on that tape?
16:21I treason, is it?
16:22Yes, what did you say, Shelley?
16:24Well, I just insulted the boss fairly comprehensively.
16:27Oh, that's it?
16:29Yeah.
16:29Let's play it.
16:30Oh, you don't want to play it now.
16:32Oh, yes, we do.
16:33Go on.
16:34Here we go.
16:35Exhibit A.
16:37If you want an ardent hammer, what it's the head on every occasion, what you want is Hawkins' hammer.
16:42Okay?
16:47Hawkins' hammers.
16:49We've been hitting the nail on the head since 1783.
16:53Okay.
16:54Ow!
16:57Did you write that?
16:59Yeah.
17:00Well, where's your indiscretions, then?
17:02It's the wrong tape.
17:04Oh, wasn't that serious, was it?
17:08Depends, Mrs. H.
17:09What on?
17:10And whether or not the Social Security will pay our mortgage.
17:12Ah, good afternoon, sir.
17:21Hello, Shelley.
17:23Beautiful afternoon, isn't it?
17:25Is it?
17:26Yes, it is.
17:27I've just come through the park absolutely breathtaking.
17:30Soft mist, sunlight coming through the trees.
17:33Just like one of Michael's films.
17:35Yes.
17:35Should have cycled.
17:36Good, eh?
17:37Oh, ha, ha, ha, yeah.
17:38I say.
17:40What?
17:41I had some of that stuff last night, that paella.
17:44Ah.
17:45Not at all bad, real continental flavour, eh?
17:48Oh, yes, and I've got some good news for you somewhere here.
17:50Where are we?
17:51Yes, here it is.
17:53Latest sales figures from Hawkins Hammers.
17:5630% increase.
17:58Really?
17:59Oh, that's good.
18:00Good, it's bloody marvellous.
18:02You and Michael obviously make a great team.
18:05Invaluable when people see eye to eye.
18:06Congratulations.
18:08Thanks very much.
18:08See you later.
18:09Ruth?
18:22Yes?
18:22Did you give Cyril that cassette, the one you borrowed?
18:25I put it in his recorder.
18:27I see.
18:28Thanks, Ruth.
18:32Oh, hello, Michael.
18:33Could I have a word?
18:35Of course.
18:35Sit down.
18:35Uh, how are the legs?
18:42Wet.
18:42I mean, it's rained.
18:44Look, uh...
18:46How's it going?
18:49Oh, well, uh, not at all badly.
18:51Good.
18:52Look, tell me straight what you think of the commercial.
18:55I think it's very good.
18:56It is?
18:57Hmm.
18:58Oh, it's exquisitely beautiful, atmospheric.
19:00Uh, Cyril thinks it'll win an award.
19:02He's a sand-headed old bigot, though, isn't he?
19:06Well, I wouldn't.
19:07I wouldn't say that.
19:09Wouldn't you?
19:10Well, I'll be frank.
19:11Uh, I'm a bit worried about the direction we're taking.
19:14I see.
19:15But you don't think the film shot through so many gauzes and soft-focus lenses you can't
19:19tell if it's chocolate or soap either?
19:26Who's heard it apart from you?
19:27No one.
19:28I borrowed Cyril's recorder this morning.
19:31Well, not a lot I can say, really.
19:33Why is no-one honest in this outfit?
19:35Well, I think we get out of the habit.
19:37Occupational hazard.
19:38But you can be frank with me.
19:39I mean, I like honesty.
19:41Yes, I know you like honesty, Michael, but we must keep it out of the advertisements.
19:47Well, I just don't see what else we can do.
19:50Have you eaten this junk?
19:52Yeah.
19:52It's foul.
19:54People only buy this sort of stuff because we brainwash them.
19:57Oh, that's a bit strong.
19:58I mean, it's not brainwashing exactly.
20:00More of a quick rinse.
20:03Well, what are you suggesting?
20:05The truth.
20:06The truth?
20:07Well, shaped pieces of the truth eked out with permitted artificial colour.
20:11I mean, it is easy to prepare.
20:13It's got vitamins.
20:13And if you like monosodium glutamate, it's a winner.
20:16In fact, you and I wouldn't feed it to a psychopathic rat.
20:19He's neither here nor there.
20:21We must be more direct.
20:23That's what you said about that Hawkins ad.
20:25And all we've got is a hammer bonking up and down for 20 seconds.
20:29But very effective bonking, Michael.
20:30We're selling them.
20:32I mean, people no doubt buy them to put on the mantelpiece.
20:35Women probably carry them round in their handbags as objet d'art.
20:38Kiddies no doubt take them to bed to cuddle.
20:40And why?
20:41Because you made that hammer a star.
20:44For God's sake, it's got sex appeal.
20:46All your considerable talent is used to promote the product and not a snatched moment of Arcadian bliss with Earth Mother and Windmill Rampant.
20:57Okay.
20:58I'll rethink it then.
21:01Good.
21:01Oh, and, uh, I'm very sorry I bitched the laurels.
21:05That was unforgivable.
21:06Oh, well.
21:07Uh, what do you do with that cassette?
21:10Wiped it.
21:11Smart move.
21:11Thanks a lot.
21:12Uh, you seen Clearing King now?
21:14Yes.
21:14Good.
21:15We'll be able to tie this up today then.
21:18Oh, and, uh, I've got a good news for you.
21:20What?
21:21I've asked Cyril to get us a bicycle account.
21:27Okay.
21:27So what'd you find out?
21:29I'm beginning to understand why all those people can't tell margarine from butter.
21:35Half the people we tested couldn't have distinguished gravy from custard.
21:38But they were definitely influenced by the colour.
21:45I mean, it is a bit violent.
21:47Looks like a plate of uninflated balloons.
21:50Tastes like it and all.
21:53Let's go for freshness then.
21:55Freshness?
21:56That's the last thing it's got.
21:58It's been dried, stabilised and sterilised.
22:01It'd keep for a century.
22:02For God's sake, you could hand it down from father to son.
22:06Oh, that's what we stress.
22:07All ingredients harvested at their peak.
22:10How do you know?
22:11There must be.
22:12No one harvests at the wrong time.
22:13There'd be no point.
22:15Just sounds better.
22:17When you come to cook it...
22:18Cook it?
22:19When you come to cook it,
22:21the freshness bounces back,
22:23as can be seen by its rich summer colours, kind of thing.
22:26Rich summer artificial colouring, more like.
22:28Oh, look, just get on with it, will you?
22:29If this stuff was any good,
22:30they wouldn't be paying us thousands to advertise it.
22:33Michael wants a commercial script,
22:35and I can't write it until you've done your job.
22:37By the way, what did you say to Michael?
22:39It's a transformation.
22:41Oh, you know, tact, discretion,
22:44dash of judicious frankness.
22:46All part of the job.
22:47He responds very well to honesty.
22:51You'll have to ring it.
22:53We can't.
22:53It's one o'clock in the morning.
22:56Come on, let's ring Mrs. H's.
22:57Mrs. H didn't go to bed till breakfast time.
23:00We can't wake her.
23:01Why you can't remember your keys, I'll never know.
23:03Well, you forgot yours.
23:05Don't change the subject.
23:07We've got to ring Mrs. H's anyway.
23:09Why?
23:10Miss Landis hasn't got a key to our room.
23:12Mrs. H has.
23:13Well, she can lend us a knife.
23:14It's all we need.
23:17What?
23:18I fixed the lock.
23:21What do you mean?
23:23Put a plate in.
23:25Tom told me how.
23:26Can't do the knife trick anymore.
23:28When did you do this?
23:30Last night, while you were trying to recapture your youth
23:32at the Acton Palais.
23:34You dummy.
23:36Right.
23:37We climb over the back garden wall
23:38and use that ladder.
23:39Okay?
23:40Mm-mm.
23:41What?
23:42Did the windows as well.
23:45What do you mean?
23:46Well, you just drill a hole.
23:47Slip a thick nail in so they can't be opened.
23:50Tom.
23:50Tom told me how.
23:52What else did you do?
23:53Electric force field across the door?
23:56Ravenous Alsatians?
23:58Laser beam alarm system?
23:59No, I didn't.
24:00Honestly, I didn't.
24:02I don't believe this.
24:04PHONE RINGS
24:05You do the talking.
24:10Shame in the way you rang her bell.
24:13Why?
24:13Just found my keys.
24:14LAUGHTER
24:16APPLAUSE
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24:50
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