- 11/05/2025
Complete playlist:
https://dailymotion.com/playlist/x9np9k
https://dailymotion.com/playlist/x9np9k
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Satsang with Mooji
00:30Oh, well, that's the news of the world, Red.
00:41What I don't know about Brit Eklund's lovers isn't worth knowing.
00:45Let's see what's in the colour sup.
00:53Ah, at last, an article.
01:00A room of my own, Brit Eklund.
01:03Oh, no.
01:05Not her again.
01:07Not how I imagined it at all.
01:11I pictured it festooned with the withered husks of used boyfriends.
01:16A room of my own, James Shelley.
01:20My room is a friend's tarted-up attic in a well-to-do dump in Baron's Court.
01:25The lift works about as often as I do,
01:27and there are so many stairs to climb
01:29that even Sherpa Tenzin would have to do it in two goes.
01:34The decor is Rococo,
01:36and the style is early knocking shop.
01:40The furniture has about as much personality as John Knott.
01:44Was that crack there before?
01:56I don't think it was.
01:58Ah, no point in delving too deep.
02:00Probably find the old place,
02:02only manage to stand up because the woodworm are old in hand.
02:04Come on, Shelley, think positive.
02:11Think of something exciting to do.
02:14Got it, I'll have a kip.
02:17Dream I'm one of Brit Eklund's latest.
02:20Come in, number 94, your time is up.
02:24Trouble is, would she respect me in the morning?
02:26What's that noise?
02:43Sort of very faint falsetto hum.
02:47If there's one thing I can't stand,
02:49it's an unexplained noise.
02:50It's an unexplained noise.
02:50It's an unexplained noise.
02:56Oh, don't tell me I've got a poltergeist.
02:59That's all I need.
03:02Now ignore it, James.
03:03Go back to the arms of Morpheus and Brit Eklund.
03:13What if it's structural, subsidence?
03:16This entire attic might just slide off the top of the building.
03:21Ah, why worry?
03:22I'll be dead long before I hit the ground.
03:23It'll be like Elton John falling off his shoes.
03:33Mind you, this is your friend's flat.
03:35You are responsible for its upkeep.
03:39I know, I'll report it to Desmond.
03:41Our friendly head porter.
03:43Could turn out to be the highlight of the weekend.
03:46Contact with another human being.
03:50Well, nearly human.
03:51Oh, it's you.
04:09Astutely observed.
04:12What do you want?
04:12I'm busy.
04:14Doing what?
04:15Well, if you must know,
04:16I'm reading the newspapers, improving my mind.
04:19Oh, sorry, I didn't realise you had a big job on.
04:21It is Sunday, you know.
04:24Even God got Sunday off.
04:25Yes, but our Lord didn't rest on the seventh day,
04:28so he could read the papers and catch up on the big stories.
04:30God creates world in six days.
04:32Adam reports rib missing.
04:34Eve found naked in Loveness with serpent shock horror exclusive.
04:40Nor was the Almighty paid a service charge
04:42to sit on his jacksie all day.
04:44Go away.
04:48No, I come to complain about the noise.
04:50What noise?
04:51There's a strange noise in my flat,
04:52and I would value your expert opinion.
04:54Point number one, it is not your flat.
04:56You are but an itinerant,
04:58a passing nomad, a vagabond.
05:00Yeah, yeah, okay, I'll get your drift.
05:01Point number two,
05:02I am not allowed to leave my post security.
05:04Oh, come on, it won't take a moment.
05:06I promise I'll let you rush straight back
05:08if any Iranian death squads turn up.
05:11What sort of noise is it?
05:13Well, it's a sort of very faint, eye-pitched hum.
05:18Sort of, uh...
05:21Are you sure it's not more of a...
05:26No, definitely not.
05:28Come up and have a listen.
05:30Look, can you give me one good reason
05:31why I should traipse up to the eighth floor
05:33and endanger my health by entering your lodgings?
05:35Because I will stay here and pester you till you do.
05:39I think I should warn you, Mr Shelley.
05:41I am a man of steel resolve.
05:43I do not give way very easily.
05:50See, Desmond?
05:52It may have taken me 20 minutes,
05:54but I knew you'd crack in the end.
05:56Oh, dear.
05:57It's not exactly tidy, is it?
06:00Never put off till tomorrow what you can do next month.
06:02That's my motto.
06:03Now, stand here.
06:06You'll get the full stereophonic effect.
06:09There.
06:11Now, listen.
06:13Hear it?
06:14Hear what?
06:15The mystery noise.
06:16Like I said, a very faint, high-pitched hum.
06:19I wonder what's causing it.
06:20I know.
06:21What?
06:22Solitude.
06:26Solitude?
06:27Solitude.
06:28Loneliness.
06:28You're imagining things.
06:31Perfectly natural.
06:32Up here, on your own.
06:34Middle-aged man.
06:34I am not middle-aged.
06:37It's a terrible thing, loneliness.
06:39We had a bloke lived in this block once, an artist.
06:42Incredibly lonely he was.
06:43He imagined all sorts of noises.
06:45He's in Broadmoor now.
06:46I saw him last week, in a documentary.
06:51He didn't look at all well.
06:53Well, maybe I should book my padded cell now, eh?
06:56Nip down to Moskros and get measured up for a straitjacket.
06:58Look, I am a perfectly rational person.
07:01Hmm.
07:02I am not lonely.
07:03I am not imagining this noise.
07:05Well, all right, I am lonely, but I'm not imagining this noise.
07:08See?
07:09I said you were lonely.
07:10Fine.
07:10I am lonely and proud.
07:11I confess.
07:13I haven't communed with a single creature the entire weekend.
07:16And that, by any standards, is lonely.
07:19Even the ancient mariner had a dead albatross to keep him company.
07:23Coleridge.
07:24Eh?
07:25Samuel Taylor Coleridge.
07:26He wrote The Ancient Mariner.
07:28Great fan of Coleridge, as I am.
07:30Got all his best poems.
07:32In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree.
07:37You like poetry?
07:38Yeah.
07:39Why?
07:40Well, I don't know.
07:41It's a bit like discovering Stalin collected butterflies.
07:45Who's a junkie, you know?
07:47Stalin?
07:48No, Coleridge.
07:49Smoked opium.
07:50I know.
07:50Forty-a-day man.
07:51Now, about my noise.
07:52I haven't conceded there is a noise.
07:54Give me strength.
07:55But if there were a noise...
07:56Yes.
07:57Could be absolutely anything.
07:58Settlement, vibration from aircraft, mice.
08:01Oh, I see.
08:02Mice.
08:03But only on the eighth floor.
08:04What are they?
08:05SAS train?
08:08Drop in by parachute, do they?
08:10I was only trying to help.
08:12Okay, I'm sorry.
08:13I'm getting harassed.
08:14Would you like a cup of tea to soothe my nerves?
08:17Yeah, a quick cup of water wouldn't go, miss.
08:19Mind you, I can't hang about.
08:20Security, you know.
08:21Say no more.
08:25Tell me, Desmond.
08:26When you are in your bijou cubby hole, do you ever talk to yourself?
08:31Occasionally.
08:33Well, repeatedly, in fact.
08:34Thank God for that.
08:35I thought I was turning schizophrenic.
08:38You know, they reckon Jack the Ripper was one of those.
08:41Schizophrenic.
08:42I read this book that said not only was he a schizophrenic, but also a mason.
08:47Don't tell me.
08:47He gave all his victims a silly handshake.
08:50Another book I read says he was Queen Victoria's grandson.
08:54Oh, I can't see that, can you?
08:56Rolling up a buck house covered in gore.
08:59I mean, princes don't go around chopping up prostitutes, do they?
09:02They have flunkies to do that sort of thing, do they?
09:06Where'd I put that milk?
09:08Another theory is that he was two totally different people.
09:13Are you OK?
09:15No wonder a third of the world's starving.
09:17They're all probably trying to get the cartons out.
09:21Done it.
09:23Ah.
09:25Should milk be solid?
09:28No, it shouldn't be green either.
09:31Powdered milk, do you?
09:32If necessary, yes.
09:37Is it true that you've got a degree?
09:41That's right, in geography.
09:42What, from a university?
09:44Yeah.
09:45What was it like?
09:46Well, my particular grove of academe was populated largely by paralytic drunks throwing up over pinball machines.
09:53I'll give my right arm for a degree in geography.
09:59Education's a wonderful thing.
10:01Knowledge is the key to the universe.
10:03Who said that?
10:05Reader's Digest.
10:05You find some interesting matter in the Digest.
10:11Some interesting matter in this tea.
10:14For instance, did you know that the red ant can carry up to 24 times its own body weight?
10:19And they all go down with hernias.
10:22They what?
10:23If you look closely, they've got little trusses round their thorax.
10:26Is that your idea of a joke?
10:30Yeah.
10:31No wonder you're lonely.
10:34Here is yours.
10:35Yes, I know.
10:36The tea must be allergic to the powdered milk.
10:38It's brought it out in a rash.
10:40Sit down.
10:41See, what I don't understand is why somebody with a degree in geography like you should turn out to be, well, a non-entity.
10:48You ought to be a somebody.
10:49Oh, I am a somebody.
10:50I'm a middle-aged schizophrenic, aren't I?
10:53Yes, he'll tell you.
10:56See, the way I see it, life has given you a lap start and you have come in last.
11:01Is that you or the Reader's Digest speaking?
11:05I think I'll leave this tea if you don't mind.
11:08Are you sure you can't hear that noise?
11:10Positive.
11:11Perhaps it's the milk congealing in that carton.
11:14The birth of Quatermass.
11:17Are you, uh, busy?
11:19Oh, yeah.
11:20I've got my novel to finish, three pyramids to build, and I've got to revert World War III in my lunch break.
11:24Why?
11:26Well, I was just...
11:27No, I really ought to be going.
11:29I shouldn't leave the vestibule unguarded.
11:31Why did you ask?
11:33Well, it's just that...
11:35Well, if you had a spare moment, I was wondering if you...
11:39Well, if you'd like to hear this poem I've written.
11:41Do you write poetry as well?
11:43All the time.
11:44It's my great passion.
11:46I'd welcome an educated opinion.
11:48Why not?
11:49Brit can wait.
11:50Well, if you've got somebody coming...
11:51No, no, please.
11:54Fire away.
11:54It's, uh, it's entitled Eternity.
11:59I, uh, I assume you know what, uh, Eternity means.
12:03I have a feeling I'm about to find out.
12:05I've got you...
12:14The heartless void yawns vast before me
12:35My soul sets sail across the endless sea
12:39An ocean without horizon
12:42A cold and cruel eternity
12:46What do you think?
12:53Well, it's, um, how shall I put it, uh, epic
12:57426 stanzas
13:00Two hours and, uh, 13 minutes
13:04The style is romantic, of course
13:07Oh, of course
13:07Yeah, amazing people are romantic poets
13:09You take Wordsworth, for example
13:11Slept with his sister
13:12That's never been proved
13:14That's just malicious gossip
13:16I don't believe a man of Wordsworth's nobility
13:18Would stoop to incest
13:19Oh, incest was all a rage in those days
13:22It was the 19th century equivalent of jogging
13:25You throw rubbish all the time?
13:29Only 70% is rubbish, the other 30% is bullshit
13:32And there was Byron
13:35Oh, he's an amazing man, Byron
13:37Fantastic swimmer, you know
13:39He once swam 10 miles with his club foot
13:43Used it as a rudder, I suppose
13:44That's in rather dubious taste, isn't it?
13:49Yes, yes, I suppose it is
13:50Being born with a club foot is tragic
13:52Of course, the most tragic of the romantics was Keats
13:56He died of TB at the age of just 26
13:59Less compulsory for great poets, isn't it?
14:01Like rock stars, none of them make it much past 30
14:04I suppose it'd be too embarrassing
14:06Middle-aged men, biting the heads off live chickens
14:09And sticking dynamite down hotel toilets
14:12Suddenly all snuff at your own
14:13They even take out special insurance policies
14:16You know, third-party fire and charismatic death
14:19Well, I don't call blowing up hotel toilets art
14:23It's just bloody vandalism
14:24I can still hear it, you know
14:32Is it a sort of rushing sound?
14:35Well, sort of
14:36Labyrinthitis
14:37Eh?
14:39Labyrinthitis means all your ear canals are infected
14:42Very nasty
14:43I heard it once
14:44Next stage is you start falling over
14:46Then you throw up
14:46Then they rush you into hospital
14:48The noise is outside my head
14:51Not inside
14:52Oh, are you off?
14:54Yeah, I'd better be going
14:55Security, you see
14:55Anyway, it doesn't do for me to stop in one flat for too long
14:59Causes jealousy among the other residents
15:01Oh, I'd better be getting along
15:03Yes, I'd better be making tracks
15:06Fancy a scotch?
15:08Don't mind if I do
15:09Er, just a small one, mind
15:11Then I really must be going
15:12So it's a bottle Mr England left behind
15:15It's unmarked
15:17So I'm afraid we'll be playing gastric roulette
15:19Smells like scotch
15:22Cheers
15:29Bottoms up
15:29Mr England didn't have a cat, did he?
15:45Pet's not allowed
15:46Well, it's different
15:49Yeah, it's sort of basic
15:52Oh, a bit like Paul, really
15:55I know he's your friend, but I confess I always found Mr England a bit, well, earthy
16:00Crude even
16:01Not the sort to delight in poetry
16:03Oh, I don't know
16:04Paul knows hundreds of poems about young girls from various parts of the country
16:07And he's got a PhD in the works of Kilroy
16:10A very physical person is Mr England
16:14He had a different woman here every night, you know
16:17Disgusting
16:18Not romantic, certainly
16:20You can't get very romantic for just one night, can you?
16:24Well, you see, Paul's never been very heavily into romance
16:26Basically, he regards women as deluxe willy warmers
16:29Strange creatures, women
16:37Very strange
16:38They live longer, you know
16:41I was reading
16:42The Reader's Digest?
16:43No
16:44Guinness Book of Records
16:46There was this woman in China
16:48She lived until she was 132
16:50132 years
16:53What must it feel like?
16:56Like one typical British Sunday, I should imagine
16:58Or an evening's viewing on ITV
17:01I can still hear it, you know
17:04Maybe it is my ears
17:06What was that disease called?
17:08Labyrinthitis
17:09How did you contract it?
17:11The doctor said it was in response to stress
17:13But I put it down to a blow I received on the head
17:16What sort of blow?
17:18My wife attacked me with a steak tenderiser
17:20One of them mallet affairs
17:24Very violent woman she was
17:25Should have reported her
17:27What, now people think I couldn't control my own wife?
17:30So what'd you do?
17:32Well, eventually I found solace in the arms of another
17:34Annie
17:35She was kind, gentle, loving
17:39And she didn't wave mallets around
17:41Unfortunately, my wife found out
17:45Offered me a simple ultimatum
17:48Divorce
17:49Or disgrace
17:49No, dismemberment
17:51So she got the divorce
17:54She got our daughter
17:56And I got the push
17:56And what happened to
17:58Kind, gentle, loving Annie?
17:59She ran off with my brother
18:00Desmond, that is a horror story
18:04You must be the unluckiest husband since Dennis Thatcher
18:07You must have smashed an entire hall of mirrors
18:12So why did your wife kick you out then?
18:15Who said she'd kick me out?
18:16Well, I can't imagine you leaving her
18:17I mean, you can't even open a carton of milk
18:19I got the carton open
18:22I just couldn't get the milk out
18:24Another man, was it?
18:27No, it was not
18:28If you must know
18:30Our temporary separation was caused by irreconcilable differences
18:34Like the difference between my income and the sum of unpaid bills
18:38And the difference between me and a grown-up person
18:42What did she say when she threw you out?
18:45I don't remember her exact words, but I seem to recall a lot of F sounds
18:48More paint stripper
18:51The only kids
18:52One daughter
18:54Oh, I've got a daughter
18:55I know, the mallet wielder got custody
18:57Bright as a button, my daughter
19:00She's got eight O levels
19:01I watched her grow up
19:03I thought to myself, well, my girl
19:06You're going to be a somebody all right
19:07A nuclear physicist or a brain surgeon
19:10How old is she?
19:11Nineteen
19:12Ah, well, life's great race is just beginning for her
19:15She'll be lobotomising people in no time
19:17No, I don't think so
19:19Not now
19:20Tragedy struck her down in her prime
19:23Oh, sorry, I didn't realise
19:26She married a trainee accountant
19:28Became a housewife, I ask you
19:32Well, that's daughters for you
19:34You give them the best years of your life
19:36And they go and marry spotty Burks called Nigel
19:38I really must be going
19:41Desmond, one last question
19:44I don't like to go on
19:46But are you 100% certain you can't hear that noise?
19:50There
19:51Very faint
19:53Sort of
19:53Oh, that
19:56What do you mean, oh, that?
19:59You said you couldn't hear it
20:00Well, I can't really
20:01I'm oblivious to it
20:02That noise goes right through the entire building
20:03You said you couldn't hear it
20:05Well, you described it badly
20:06You said it was a hum
20:07That's more of a whine
20:08If you had said a whine
20:10I would have realised you meant that noise
20:11That noise has been going on since I got here
20:14I have lived with that noise for 12 years
20:16So what is it?
20:17God knows
20:18Desmond, if I strangled you now
20:22There's not a jury in the land would convict me
20:24You'll soon close your mind to it
20:26But when you're on your own
20:28At first, well, the day seems full of unexplained noises
20:32I see
20:32All part of life's rich and varied liner
20:34Life
20:35Now, that's where the problems start, you see
20:38There is no getting round life
20:39Life is but an empty dream
20:43Reader's Digest
20:44Longfellow
20:46Life is as tedious as a twice-told tale
20:52Vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man
20:54William Shakespeare
20:55Correct
20:56Life is but a lamentation
21:00A dirge of thwarted expectation
21:03Bucks Fizz
21:05I wrote that
21:10Oh, just a joke
21:12Oh, really?
21:14Well, I'd better be going
21:14People will be worrying where I am
21:16I was only joking, Desmond
21:17Honestly, it didn't really sound like Bucks Fizz
21:19I mean, nothing's that bad, is it?
21:21No
21:22Except perhaps your sense of humour
21:24Oh, well, that's a good afternoon's work
21:29Turned an enemy into a friend and back into an enemy again
21:32Now what shall I do?
21:36Resume my kit and give Britt Eklund the works?
21:38Nah, I think I'm feeling dynamic
21:41And as that happens about as often as Chelsea winning at home
21:43Let us make the most of it
21:44You must be positive, James
21:47Look at the state of this place
21:48How do you expect your dear wife to take you back
21:51If you live in something that resembles post-war Dresden?
21:55Pull your socks up
21:56The alternative is ending up a sad act like Desmond
21:59Right
22:00Bye-bye, Quatermass
22:07Bye-bye, Toynbee and Tweedy
22:11Bye-bye, Britt Eklund
22:14I don't remember that
22:18Ah, another unexplained noise
22:22Probably Death Watch Beatles have an head-banging session
22:25I left my poem behind, it's the only copy
22:33Ah, where'd you leave it?
22:35Over there by the newspapers
22:36Ah
22:39Well, er
22:41Look on the bright side
22:42I haven't actually thrown it away yet
22:44Oh, you mean it's in there?
22:45Well, get it out
22:46Yes, all right
22:47It's all right, don't worry
22:47Ah
22:49Ah
22:51You, um
22:51You don't feel like rewriting it, I suppose
22:53Rewriting it? Why?
22:55Well, I thought solid green milk
22:57Might act as something of an incentive
22:59Rewriting it, I don't know
23:00Thank you
23:01Thank you
23:02Thank you
23:04Thank you
Recommended
24:50
|
Up next
25:38
24:29
24:48
24:23
25:08
26:00
25:17
24:46
25:15
25:10
24:30
24:44
24:23
24:50
25:04
25:14
24:08
24:53
25:52
24:49
25:08
24:38
24:38
24:42