- 17/05/2025
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00:30And now it's keep me to the 90s, so we'll start this afternoon's exercise programme.
00:40Oh, no, we won't.
00:42And we'll turn our heads to the right, and we'll turn our heads to the left.
00:47Oh, hang on, I can do that.
00:49And to the left, and to the right, and to the left, and to the right.
00:56Well, now, ladies, that should have helped our double chins.
00:59Ha, ha, ha, yeah. Both your chins are looking better already.
01:03I suppose you'll be working on your sagging breasts next.
01:06And our next exercise.
01:10The door was open.
01:12So's the window. Will you be wanting a net?
01:15I had one tenant who used to come in that way.
01:18Dedicated rock climber.
01:20He left owing two weeks' rent and four yards of drainpipe.
01:24No, actually, I was going to leave you a note.
01:27Being mid-afternoon, I thought that you'd be, um...
01:31Working?
01:32No, no, recurrence of the old trouble, I'm afraid.
01:34Old trouble?
01:35Yes, the Nikkei Index has been playing up again,
01:38which, of course, put a stop to exponential growth in the British labour market.
01:43Say no more!
01:44You don't need to tell me about international finance.
01:47I'm up against a ruthless, all-powerful conglomerate.
01:50I'm another victim of the system.
01:52Yes, I know you are, Ted. I know you are.
01:55Oh.
01:56A note, you've said.
01:57What?
01:58Oh, yeah.
02:00So!
02:02What you been doing this afternoon?
02:04Oh, a spot of light shopping.
02:06Bachelor meals for the microwave.
02:08Probably a mistake.
02:09According to all the health experts,
02:10they are basically cyanide with flavouring.
02:13Is, er, is this it, then?
02:18Is this what?
02:20Was this all?
02:21The room.
02:22Have you finished moving in?
02:24I see, yes.
02:25Why?
02:26Hmm.
02:26Just doesn't seem very much of you in it.
02:29I'll give it time.
02:30Couple of months' dust, my footprints will be everywhere.
02:32No, no, no, no, no.
02:34No, I meant things, you know, personal things.
02:38What, like black lacy underwear?
02:39Oh, you mean 35-year-old teddy bears
02:43with a loose ear, one eye and urine stale?
02:46Well, no, I've never been one for flaunting possessions, Ted.
02:51You mean you hide them?
02:53No, I haven't got any.
02:55Anyway, what was this note going to say?
02:57Oh, just an invite.
02:59Two or three old mates and I get together occasionally
03:01and, er, it's chame-moi this time.
03:05Ah.
03:05And, er, when is this?
03:07Tonight.
03:08Oh, what a shame.
03:10I mean, I'd have loved to have come, but, um...
03:13Well, I'm out tonight.
03:14Oh, all right.
03:15Never mind.
03:17Another time, perhaps.
03:18Yes, look forward to it.
03:20Er, can I microwave you a coffee while you're here?
03:22Hot, with a cold centre.
03:24Ah.
03:28You and your big mouth.
03:30Now, I've got to go out somewhere.
03:32Hello, Ted.
03:44Come on in, Ted.
03:46Oh, good day.
03:47Good day.
03:48Good day.
03:49Enjoy yourself.
03:51Oh, I will.
03:52And you.
03:52Evening.
04:11Erm, pint of that one and a packet of cheese and onion crisps.
04:17No cheese and onion.
04:18Crispy bacon.
04:20No crispy bacon.
04:22Scampi flavour.
04:23No.
04:25Avocado curry and bull's blood?
04:28No.
04:30What flavours have you got?
04:32Peanuts.
04:35Peanuts, please.
04:40£1.52.
04:52It's my new local.
04:55Not very busy.
04:56I expect it gets livelier later on.
04:58No.
05:03I'm here avoiding old men.
05:05No.
05:06Not dirty ones.
05:11Old men talking about hip replacements and false teeth and the price of food in the 1930s.
05:21I used to be a barman once.
05:23Guess the funny sorts come in, don't you?
05:26I mean, you've got to be a father confessor, a mother confessor, psychiatrist, referee, diplomat,
05:32all-in-wrestler, philosopher, social worker, raconteur, peanut.
05:38The stow.
05:43Anything wrong with the beer?
05:45I wouldn't know.
05:47I do like a good Friday night out.
05:49Is that you, Shelly?
06:06Good evening, Ted.
06:08You're back already?
06:10Yes, thought I'd have an early night.
06:12What, at your age?
06:13Come and join us.
06:15That's George, that's Bob, that's Sliverwitz.
06:22And this is Shelly.
06:24Thank you, dear.
06:25You just missed a great story.
06:26Oh, not entirely.
06:27I enjoyed the laughter.
06:29Only George could ever find himself with a Hungarian countess at a mass nude yoga session in Berlin.
06:36Yes, I've always been sorry I missed out on the Weimar Republic.
06:43No, no, no, this was last summer.
06:48What, not on an old people's outing, I take it?
06:50Not bloody likely.
06:52No-one organises me.
06:54Not on coach tours around Europe's leading toilets, anyway.
06:56Oh, no, solo is the only way to travel if you want any fun.
07:01There's only one person who ever organised a decent group to go away with, and that was Hannibal.
07:07George was never one for the collective approach.
07:09Bloody-minded anarchist.
07:11He's a big union man, you know.
07:12Oh?
07:13Oh, yeah.
07:13He organised the pram section of the Hunger Marches when he was six.
07:19Um, this mass nude yoga.
07:22Shelly hasn't got a woman at the moment.
07:24Really?
07:25Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
07:27No, it was a great disappointment, that yoga.
07:29I blame Bismarck.
07:31Well, you try practising the lotus position to military music.
07:36Um-pa-pa, um-pa-pa, one, two, three, and feint!
07:41I did some of my national service in Germany.
07:44Big women.
07:46Very big.
07:48Could do serious damage to a tank.
07:53About the best birth control I'd never be seeing that lot without their clothes.
07:56It was on.
07:58Especially yogurin'.
08:00Do you know Germany?
08:02Well, I flew over it once, but I had an aisle seat.
08:06I was researching a tableau.
08:09There we go.
08:10When in doubt, it's a tableau.
08:12A tableau?
08:13Oh, George is a painter.
08:15Do you know I haven't met a painter since I was a student in the 60s?
08:19Well, at least I think they were painters.
08:21They spent most of their time locked in the arts department, refusing to come out until Western capitalism surrendered.
08:27Probably still there.
08:29You didn't lock yourself in anywhere?
08:31Well, apart from once when a toilet door jammed, no.
08:35Well, I had the odd sit-in.
08:37At home, mainly, to save on the energy of travelling.
08:40But, uh...
08:41My heart was always on the front line.
08:44I see.
08:45I was in Paris, then.
08:47It was the start of my Garrett period.
08:50Were you?
08:50Hmm.
08:51Sounds more interesting than a degree in geography.
08:54What style is your work?
08:56Well, then, it was the small paintings, mostly, because of the low ceilings.
09:00Ooh.
09:03But I've experimented a lot over the last 50 years.
09:06I started with, um, abstract.
09:08You know, Picasso had his blue period, and I had my red period with purple dots.
09:15Until I realised you don't get any nude models with that sort of thing.
09:19Well, not many, anyway.
09:21And then, there was my minimalist period.
09:24That was in New York, when I couldn't afford the paint.
09:28But over the last 30 years, it's, uh...
09:31It's been a woman with big tits, period.
09:33Yeah, sort of, um...
09:39Rabanais meets Rubens, you know?
09:42Yes, I'm very much influenced by the French.
09:45Have you been to Paris?
09:47Well, briefly.
09:49Briefly?
09:50How can anyone go to Paris briefly?
09:53Didn't you fall in love with it?
09:54Oh, yes, yes.
09:55It's just I had this cheap weekend return.
09:59Oh.
10:00Bob's the one for travel.
10:01Well, he's been in more foreign jails than I've had up dinners.
10:06He's a subversive.
10:09Sorry?
10:10He overthrows governments.
10:11In his spare time.
10:13Do you?
10:14Do you take commissions?
10:15Cos I got one I'd like overthrown.
10:18Not much travel required, either.
10:20Just a quick bus ride across the Thames.
10:22How do you mean, um, subversive?
10:24Oh, Spanish Civil War, Alabama Civil Rights, South African apartheid.
10:29You name it, he picked the wrong side.
10:34You fought against Franca?
10:36Well, not personally.
10:39He was at home, eating babies.
10:42But, yes, I've had myself a share of the shelling and the shooting and the bombing.
10:47Sort of dummy run for a package holiday in Mallorca.
10:53What did you do to get arrested?
10:55Well, in South Africa, the usual sort of offence is like breathing, not smiling at policemen.
11:01So, uh, you're interested in politics, then?
11:05Oh, yes, yes.
11:06I've taken a very active interest in politics.
11:09Well, when I say active, I mean I've not shot many people.
11:13Well, any people.
11:15But I take a strong line on, uh, grapes and things and I sign petitions.
11:20Usually in my own name.
11:21But you prefer to hire in people to overthrow governments?
11:26Yes.
11:26Well, I mean, I have been arrested, but that wasn't so much a political statement, more drunken disorderly.
11:32And, uh, the only time I've, uh, actually ever been violent was when my anti-royalist sentiments got the better of me and I broke my coronation mug.
11:40But that was more due to wet hands and the fact that I was only five.
11:46Five, eh?
11:48I'd almost forgotten there was an age called five.
11:51Yes, it's been a good life.
11:53I've sold paintings in every continent, you know.
11:57Except Antarctica.
11:59Those penguins are such philistines.
12:03I've made three fortunes, lost two and a half.
12:07I've been hung in the Museum of Modern Art, you know.
12:12Very well hung in real life.
12:15I've had carnal knowledge of 27 nationalities.
12:18There's another 93 to go.
12:23Oh, yes, it's a bit of good life.
12:25So far, and me, I've had a long, happy marriage.
12:30Lovely children.
12:32Never really wanted for money.
12:33And I've managed to be present at a few turning points in history.
12:38Been on Pathy News, making an obscene gesture at Oswald Mosley.
12:43Had undesirable aliens stamped on my buttocks in Afrikaans.
12:49Yes, at least it's been eventful.
12:52And what about you, Shelley?
12:54Educated young man like you, yours must be an interesting life story.
12:58Yeah.
12:58Yeah.
12:59Yeah.
13:03Came here, and so, here I am today.
13:27And that's it.
13:36Sorry?
13:37You've not forgotten anything?
13:39Like a couple of decades.
13:43Well, that's just the abridged paperback version.
13:45I mean, I've not included the school trip to Calais, when I threw up two pints of creme de mante over my French teacher, a gendarme six-passing nuns.
13:54I've been most reticent about my role in the historic Social Security ruling of 1978 on the reasonable lifespan of second-hand mattresses.
14:03I've only ever known one person who led as uneventful a life as yours, and in his case, I blamed him on the fact he was dead.
14:14You're not, are you?
14:21No, I'm not.
14:22He's got a Social Security number to prove it.
14:25In fact, I know one or two dead people who could give you a run for your money.
14:30Yeah, but as I understand it, he hadn't got any money.
14:33Well, not this month, no.
14:35Anyway, it's not been that uneventful my life.
14:37I've been many things.
14:39I've been a potato chip quality controller, an under-armed deodorant market researcher, and a Santa Claus in a South London leading store.
14:49Yes, yes, yes, you said, but we couldn't quite work out the career structure.
14:55Well, why you never lasted a full day.
14:59Looked good on the blurb of a book, though, eh?
15:01A CV like that.
15:03Oh, you're a writer.
15:05An artistic layabout.
15:08Oh, why didn't you say so?
15:10I shared with a Bolivian poet once.
15:12Just the same lifestyle.
15:14The landlady used to say it's the only time she's ever had to complain about someone leaving ink stains in the bed.
15:21All these years resting.
15:25It's not medical, is it?
15:27I mean, it's not a genetic malfunction.
15:30You're not a blood relative of Van Winkle.
15:33Well, I completed my first mural by the time I was eight.
15:40Mind you, I had to wash it off.
15:43It's very difficult to sell a mural on your toilet wall.
15:47Well, at least I knew what I wanted to be.
15:49Didn't you have any ambitions?
15:50Well, at eight, I called them dirty thoughts.
15:55Good idea.
15:56Well, that's another thing.
15:57Your sex life.
15:59Sorry?
15:59When I was your age, I had coach loads of Rubenesque mistresses circling the Latin Quarter all night.
16:07Wait in their turn.
16:12I would still have today, but they introduced this stupid one-way system.
16:20I'm just responding to the new moral climate.
16:23No, no, no.
16:24You're just responding to poverty.
16:26Or rather, the women are.
16:29If you bestowed a woman with all your worldly goods, you could get them in a bin liner.
16:33Oh, I had a woman in a bin liner once.
16:42No, no, no.
16:42A man of your years, he should be at your financial prime.
16:47No achievement, no commitment, no ambition, no relationship, no proper home.
16:52Everybody else is after the secret of eternal youth.
16:55I think you've cracked the secret of eternal middle age.
17:00Oh, there'll be old Joe.
17:03Oh, there'll be a tick.
17:06Hello.
17:07Hello.
17:07Joe.
17:08Sorry I'm late.
17:10Decided to do an extra six miles.
17:12Had a following wind.
17:14Following dog.
17:16You know what they say behind every great runner.
17:18There's a Rottweiler.
17:20Evening all.
17:21This is Shelley.
17:22That's Joseph.
17:23Hello.
17:24You run?
17:25Ah, no, no.
17:26Just the occasional keep fit exercise.
17:28I'm afraid I don't seem to have the energy of you lot.
17:31Oh, these slobs don't exercise.
17:34Well, George does some very specialised press-ups involving...
17:38The use of pneumatic women.
17:41That's all.
17:43Keep warning them.
17:44This rate they'll never make 110.
17:48Oh, before I forget.
17:49It's the over 75s, all comers on Sunday.
17:55A full 26 miler.
17:58So I'll appreciate a reasonable turnout of the fan club.
18:02Nothing excessive.
18:03No drum majorettes.
18:05Just a quarter or two of Joseph is champion.
18:09That'll get right on the other's tits.
18:14Big prize this month, is it?
18:15Usual trouble.
18:17Who wants to sponsor geniatrics?
18:19Apart from truss manufacturers.
18:23Apart from that, it'll just be another cup on the mantelpiece.
18:27You've got a fairly cluttered mantelpiece, haven't you, Bob?
18:30Oh, a few from way back.
18:33Shooting, swimming, cycling, rowing, tennis.
18:36The usual.
18:37It's hard to believe now, but I was county boxing champion for five years.
18:41I've got enough belts and sashes to start a bondage club.
18:46Belts?
18:47And those would be, what, your gymnastic trophies, Ted?
18:51Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
18:52From the dim and distant.
18:53And what are your sporting triumphs, young fella, my lad?
19:00Well, I once came third in the under 11 long jump,
19:05but I didn't want any fuss,
19:06so I asked the school to melt my medal down and give it to the poor.
19:13Nothing else?
19:14Um, no, I, uh, spent the next seven years writing sick notes.
19:18Um, I'm not feeling too good just now, so I think I'll retire early.
19:26Oh.
19:27Yeah, uh, well, thanks for the, um, for the sniver bits,
19:32and the entertainment.
19:33It was, uh, it was nice meeting you all.
19:36Good night.
19:37Good night.
19:38Come in.
19:46You forgot this.
19:48Oh, thanks.
19:53You got a moment?
19:54Several million.
19:55Pull up a cardboard box.
19:56Sit up.
19:57My wife, my Helen, died nearly four years ago now,
20:09and each anniversary I plant a little shrub by her grave,
20:15an azalea.
20:16She liked red.
20:18And I stand there and I read and I reread her headstone
20:22over and over again, out loud.
20:24Helen Bishop, 1928 to 1987.
20:31Devoted wife and mother.
20:35You understand what I'm saying?
20:38No, I haven't got a clue.
20:41Oh.
20:42Oh.
20:43In memoriam.
20:45That's what life's all about.
20:48Making your mark.
20:49Being remembered for something.
20:51I think my chances of being a devoted wife and mother
20:55are a bit slim, Ted.
20:57How about immortality as a smart-ass?
21:00Yes.
21:01I think that's why I fight the developers, you know.
21:04I mean, if this house outlasts me,
21:06it'll be my two fingers up to the bastards
21:08in perpetual bricks and mortar.
21:10Yes, well, if you're after immortality, Ted,
21:14you can forget about being a human being.
21:16Your best bet's to be a mollusk.
21:19You find a rock, you die.
21:21A million years go by,
21:23then along comes some geologist,
21:25chips you out and says,
21:26ooh, what interesting sex organs this one has.
21:31And what about your friends?
21:32Don't you care how they remember you?
21:34Nah, tricks do outlive them.
21:36And your family?
21:39Your daughter?
21:41Yes, well, you know what the young are like.
21:44Anyone with a few more years than them,
21:45they think you're a boring old fart.
21:47Yeah.
21:48Yeah.
21:53The young always underestimate the old, don't they?
21:58Night-night.
21:58Good evening.
22:06And a foaming pint of that one, please.
22:09Oh, it was disgusting, though.
22:11That flat used to be so dirty
22:12that I had to wipe my feet before I went out.
22:14Oh, I remember.
22:16But that's university digs for you.
22:17Too small to swing a cat,
22:18but smelling as though you just had.
22:23At my college,
22:25they used to say the cockroaches
22:27that complained about conditions
22:28to the housing department.
22:35Hate to admit it, though,
22:37but I enjoy being a property owner.
22:38You know, des, res, mod, con.
22:40Chairs with four legs.
22:43I just moved into an interesting place
22:45around the corner.
22:46Why don't you go and chat up my mother?
22:48She likes boring men.
22:49Here we are, here we are.
22:57Hello, you two.
22:59How's things?
23:00Keeping up with me, Steve?
23:03Oh, well, I'm trying, I'm trying.
23:05I've just seen you last week.
23:07You're quite a bit in loads.
23:08Oh, no, no, no, no.
23:10Well, how are we all?
23:11You know my friends, don't you?
23:13Well, old lecture and Superman.
23:14And how are you, Bob?
23:17Still looking after her principles for us?
23:19Oh, I try, but it's a losing battle.
23:21So, what do we all have in there?
23:23No, no, no, it's my round.
23:24Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.
23:25No, I insist.
23:26Think of it as liquid meals on wheels.
23:28Eh?
23:30He'll run you down in his bath chair.
23:33Pints, please.
23:35And you, as for you,
23:36you know what I'm going to make you
23:37write out a hundred times?
23:39Oh, God, it's another one of his sayings.
23:42Another little pearl.
23:43Yeah.
23:43What you've always got to remember about age?
23:46Age is...
23:51Age is in the mind, not the body.
23:55OK.
24:09Age is in the mind, not the body, not the body.
24:14And you're very, very careful.
24:15You've always got to be a good thing.
24:19LAUGHTER
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