- 15/05/2025
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TVTranscript
00:00¶¶
00:30right today I'm going to think positive and good fortune will accompany my every move
00:41as I leave my house having won the pools a passing millionaire s not dissimilar to
00:49Kim Basinger will be struck dumb by my sheer animal magnetism she'll drag me inside her
00:57gold-plated Rolls-Royce where we'll make love incorporating 15 positions considered too
01:03ambitious for the Karma Sutra or even Warren Beatty yes I can sense it's going to be a great
01:12day full of pleasant surprises oh bloody static it's this nylon carpet it charges you up like a
01:23dynamo after a few paces across it you become a viable alternative to nuclear power I've got
01:31to do something about this I know I'll have a word with my landlord not a big row it's a little chat in
01:38a cool calm ah God Almighty Ted Ted where are you Ted Ted Ted you okay I'm practicing
02:04not bad eh practicing yes local TV news are coming to interview me on the subject of the
02:16developers trying to bully me out of this house so I thought I'd try a bit of the broken old man
02:21destroyed by artless bastards routine
02:23I mustn't overdo the crying of course otherwise it might look a bit staged I don't believe this
02:34I thought possibly a rather small sad voice you know a bit like this I've lived here all my life
02:43this house is my life my life is this house what do you think of that it's um it's indescribable
02:56good I'm glad you like it do you think I look ashen enough Ted don't you think that perhaps this is
03:04just a tiny bit dishonest oh god here we go the voice of conscience it's like living with Jiminy
03:09bloody cricket but face facts Ted eventually you'll have to accept their offer you'll have to give in
03:15give in give in did Churchill give in or Montgomery or General Gordon he was massacred they stuck his
03:25head on a pole yes but he won the public relations battle and that's that's the whole point well I give
03:32in you're obviously in one of those moods where you're not prepared to listen to reason do you think
03:35my arm in a sling would be too much don't you involve me in all this as of now this is a purely
03:41tenant come landlord relationship and I've come to complain oh god you're always complaining what is
03:46it this time I keep getting a static electricity shocks off that carpet well it's probably you I
03:51bet you've got one of those bodies that stores electricity it's that carpet you ask me it's all in
03:57the mind what did you say it's all in the mind you know nervous anxiety I know what your trouble is
04:05no woman in your life celibacy is not a natural state Shelley the way I see if God had intended us
04:13to be celibate he wouldn't have created a warning in the shape of Cliff Richard
04:17yep what you need is a woman look my sex life is none of your business it's nobody's business at
04:28the moment oh give me strength well you never have a proper breakfast do you sorry this morning I had
04:37two kippers bacon and three slice of fried bread what did you have a cup of coffee there you are you see
04:42it's a golden rule lack of protein can cause nervous anxiety that and getting no sex will you stop
04:50going on about my sex life aggression aggression you see that's the form that sexual frustration often
04:57takes oh get that will you it's probably these TV people
05:02morning squire morning morning you must be mr. bishop's tenant for now yes there must be a great
05:18strain living here oh it certainly is with all the building going on oh I see yes yes it's it's dreadful
05:24good morning mr. bishop what happened to your arm oh it was dark and the workman dumped a whole load of
05:34rubble on the pavement what a dreadful story oh I don't know it's not bad for short notice
05:40this is mr. Shelley's sue he's witnessed some of my personal tragedy now sue far be it from me but do you
05:52think it'd be better if I move my chair a little this way and then you'll be able to see the dust
05:56from the building work on the windows good idea okay so mr. bishop oh please Ted okay Ted already so
06:05right if I could just ask you a question for sound level um what did you have for breakfast oh well
06:13these these days I'm uh I'm just too upset to have breakfast sue right here we go tape rolling
06:23stable action sue mr. bishop you've been living next door to this building site now for many months
06:32and you say you've been intimidated by the developers how's this affected your health well sue
06:39well sue I'm a broken man a broken man I've lived here all my life this house is my life my life
07:04cut thanks Ted that was lovely I'm sorry I cried like that I was overcome with emotion oh that's
07:22quite all right oh you're not going are you mr. Shelley yes I'm overcome with emotion only I was
07:30wondering if we could possibly interview you well you know to get an eyewitness account of the kind
07:35of things that have been going on here well I don't think so fine if you'd rather not oh yes fine
07:41that's all right it's not your battle I can carry on this fight alone yes well yes I mean of course
07:48another voice speaking out would help me in my case as one solitary vulnerable helpless old man
07:55up against ruthless all-powerful pitiless all right all right terrific right here we go mr. Shelley if we
08:09could just take a sound level what did you have for breakfast not enough protein to fuel my sex drive
08:17right here we go mr. Shelley you've been living here for a couple of weeks now is that correct yes yes
08:32that's right and how would you describe the conditions living in this house shocking felt shocked yes often
08:42and what's it been like watching the effect it's all been having on mr. Bishop he described himself
08:49as a broken man yes yes he did didn't he I understand from mr. Bishop that you actually
08:57witnessed an incident when a representative of the developers came round and physical threats were
09:03made with a golf club yes yes I can confirm that threats were made with a golf club okay cut thanks
09:12mr. Shelley that was great well I think we've got everything we need now I may call back mr. Bishop to do a
09:18follow-up piece but I'll be in touch well we'll look forward to that won't we Shelley well I'll see you
09:25soon mr. Shelley what a charming woman don't ever involve me in something like that again oh come on all you
09:37had to do was to confirm that threats were made with a golf club yes by you I lied for you Ted no no no
09:46no you didn't I was listening most distinctly you didn't actually lie you were just economical with
09:50the truth well if I was economical you were positively tight-fisted oh well so what does it matter TV's all
09:57one big illusion isn't it that Sue was very attractive girl wasn't she hey attractive intelligent sexy
10:07sex again don't you think it's slightly undignified to have such a one-track mind a man of your age a man
10:16of my age oh yes oh I forgot the moment you're past 60 your libido evaporates into thin air and your
10:23sexual organs self-destruct yeah God where does this image come from I blame the media you never
10:33see old people doing sex scenes on TV I don't know what about John Collins no we're just treated as
10:40passive helpless old dears either being patronized on telethons or bonked over the head on crime watch
10:46this is really rich coming from someone who has just done an entire interview exploiting the
10:53passive old dear stereotype I was simply explaining the issues in a simple way that the viewing public
11:03could understand that's all would have confused them if I presented myself as a vigorous sexually
11:09attractive senior citizen that I actually am my wife and I enjoyed a marvelous sex life you know
11:16all through our married life had it all the time we were he's off again I've just got a healthy
11:22attitude towards sex that's all not like you you're all English and repressed and riddled with guilt
11:29I think because you have fantasies about Kim Basinger
11:33why do you say that I'm sorry why pick on Kim Basinger well I don't know you do have fantasies about Kim Basinger don't you
11:47I could see that you fancy that presenter don't talk rubbish I've got a telephone number at work here
11:55Sue Baines give her a ring ask her out
12:01I hardly met the woman so you do fancy her all right so she's quite nice then give her a ring
12:13you may be passing up on a golden opportunity you're not getting any younger
12:17time's winged chariot can't be wheel clamped Shelly
12:22life is a peach that's there to be plucked
12:26that's very profound Ted
12:28have Radio 4 ever asked you to do thought for the day
12:31look
12:33you're so keen on this woman why don't you ask her out
12:36well no no no no
12:39your need is greater than mine
12:41now look besides what would a succulent young woman like that want with a
12:46wizened old has been like me when she can have a rampant young stallion like you come on
12:50Oscar out leave me alone
12:53she liked you I can tell there was definite sexual electricity there sexual electricity
13:01I just say a little prayer every night
13:30that they'll have pity on a poor sad broken
13:38oh
13:38oh man
13:42okay cut
13:44that one's fine
13:46thanks Ted sorry we had to do four takes
13:49that's all right I hope I didn't let you down
13:51no you started crying on the same word every time
13:56well how about staying for a glass of sherry's few
13:59oh I think I've got another piece to do
14:01gaza what happened about that water skiing donkey
14:05it drowned
14:06so we're heading back to base
14:08well then I'd love a glass
14:09I'll see you all tomorrow at the location
14:12bye bye bye
14:13bye
14:14so what's tomorrow's story then
14:17a roller skating centipede a scuba diving chicken
14:20it's my editor
14:22he likes something at the end of the bulletin to cheer people up
14:25you know quintuplets rescued seals
14:28nicholas ridley being run over by a bus that sort of thing
14:31come along now shelley the lady wants her drink
14:36your nearest
14:39oh sorry I forgot the accident with the bulldozer
14:44does it stop you sleeping
14:45it's not too bad if I lie on me back
14:49how about when you lie through your teeth
14:50uh Sue the uh glasses are on the shelf behind you
15:03ask her out
15:12well pour it out then
15:13well now Sue
15:22busy week ahead
15:26what are your interests
15:29do you like eating out
15:31oh when I get the chance
15:33oh there's a coincidence
15:35shelley likes eating out don't you
15:36yes
15:41um
15:42have you met her parrot by the way
15:45Norman
15:46does it talk
15:48no can't talk can't sing can't even water ski
15:50it'll never appear on television
15:52the best it can manage is a strange gargling noise
15:56will that work for Derek Jameson
15:59so uh so what else do you do Sue
16:03do you like uh going to the pictures
16:05well yes
16:07shelley's a great cinema goer aren't you
16:11no
16:13and do you like going to the cinema Ted
16:15no he's far too poor and sad and old and broke
16:20they won't let him in besides he can't hobble that far due to the horrific injuries he received
16:25by being rammed repeatedly by a bulldozer
16:29i didn't say i was rammed by a bulldozer i said i was backed into by a dumper truck
16:36that's an appalling story well it's certainly not as good as the other one
16:41uh Sue how would you and sherry like to come and see my model village oh it sounds fascinating
16:48yes it's it's upstairs you go on ahead i'll struggle up as best i can
16:55well what are you waiting for i'm waiting for you to stop behaving like a prat i'm embarrassed
17:06oh come on i only dropped a couple of hints like the one on iroshima i'm surprised she didn't push us
17:12into the bedroom and press a packet of condoms into her hand come along the lady's waiting
17:17what are you waiting for aren't you going to help me up the stairs
17:34you can see how hard it is in that case i'd just walk normally if i were you
17:44you know yes i think i'll nominate you for a bafta award best acting performance in a news item
17:51oh i'm sorry yes i'm just a deceitful despicable old rogue with a lot of style anyway the sling
17:59and the walk frame made good tv besides if i've been tricked by a crafty old sod well how was i to
18:06know i'm determined to beat those developers you see oh i realize that anyway i'd still love to see
18:12this model yeah well it's in here the other door's shelly's bedroom oh for that's it
18:28look it's amazing it's an exact replica down to the last detail oh look
18:37it's colin moinehan it's holstadt isn't it in austria you recognize it i went there years ago
18:46the place with the bone house the what well there's a shortage of land so they bury you in
18:52the cemetery for five years and then they dig you up sounds like westminster council
18:57then they take your skull and they stick it with all these others in this building called the bone
19:02house here here i had a hell of a job finding something the right scale to represent the skulls
19:08finally i settled for rice krispies
19:12if you cut them in two with a scalpel they're just about right rice krispies yeah i tried sugar puffs
19:18but the skulls kept sticking together yeah of course you can't be that accurate when you get that
19:24small the real skulls have the names written on them that and anything you've achieved in your life
19:30so i'd have craftsman and human rights campaigner written on mine and you'd have
19:36television presenter and journalist written on yours and shelly'd uh
19:41well they'd probably just leave his blank
19:43i mean i mean it brings it home to you that place mortality especially when i went there after my
19:52wife died it makes you realize you've got to get on and do what you want to with your life before you
19:58end up well a rice crispy exactly no point in living unless you take risks i agree if everybody
20:07would stop worrying about being organized and doing everything to a timetable you mean like british
20:12rail had i quite agree with you take him he won't take risks i will provided they're not too risky
20:21i tell you it's habit that's the killer look at abraham lincoln hey always went the same theater
20:28sat in the same box wore the same hat if only that night he'd said solid i feel like a film
20:33instead and i'm going to wear my deer stalker nobody would have recognized him and he would still be alive
20:39today oh yes and if julius caesar had worn his baseball cap and stopped off for a pizza on the
20:45way to the forum and if king harold had fought the battle of hastings wearing ski goggles exactly
20:53you know what his real trouble is he won't take his opportunities not even when people try to help him
20:59i'll do what i'm going to do in my own time all right fine do you like indian food sue
21:11i know shelley does i've got to go out you must excuse me very nice to meet you
21:16and you i'll show you to the door no need i insist ah another bloody nylon carpet
21:24his body stores electricity
21:27hey where you going where do you think well some people when they're caught in need a bit of a
21:38prod but not a cattle prod go for a pint
21:48hey where are you
21:51oh it's just gone midnight he's probably out gate crashing the 18 to 30 disco
22:00oh no he's put your cloth on so he must be in bed
22:09hello norman well what a night i've had hey went to the flicks could only get in to see police academy
22:19six the six presumably referring to the iq of whoever wrote it and down the pub where i got so bored
22:28staring at my reflection in my half pint i tried to play dance got a double wall a treble jukebox
22:39and one that bounced out of the board and into the pub's rottweiler
22:42who fortunately was so stupid he savaged the cigarette machine god these evenings on your own are such fun
22:55i don't know maybe ted was right
23:00i should have asked her out in fact i will ask her out
23:04i'll phone her tomorrow morning first thing good i've decided i'll feel better right
23:18good night norman
23:19i was just coming down for a glass of water
23:40oh
23:41i'm
24:01so
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