- 07/05/2025
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00:00Piano music
00:30A bit worried about the house.
00:42Hmm.
00:43Leonard says there's more plastering than he realised.
00:47Hmm.
00:48Hard to get good plasters, apparently.
00:51Hmm.
00:55Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention it.
00:56I'm leaving you for another woman.
01:00Only, apparently, I've made her pregnant as well.
01:04Hmm.
01:07Only with her, a doctor says it's quads, so you really don't get a look-it.
01:13Also, she can talk.
01:15I saw an ad for a plaster in the newsagent.
01:18What, the one on the corner?
01:21Yes, that's right, Shelley, by the do-it-yourself shop.
01:24Oh, yes, one of those little postcards
01:26next to Trixie's visiting massage service
01:29and the model seeking an interesting position.
01:32Hmm.
01:34Oh, well, I'll just get on with my article for the Sunday paper,
01:37my life with a Trappist nun.
01:40I mean, I spend all day working my socks off.
01:43You spend all day doing creative work,
01:45chatting to Mrs. H.
01:45I come home, you bury yourself in that book.
01:48It's mental cruelty.
01:49Trixie.
01:51Just start dancing.
01:52No, no, I'm enjoying this book.
01:55Oh, really?
01:55Oh, I didn't realise that.
01:56Oh, good.
01:57Oh, well, I'll just sit here and watch you read, then.
01:59It's very soothing.
02:00Stops me getting overexcited.
02:01Perhaps if I paid her, Trixie would talk to me.
02:08I see Mrs. H has started knitting Willie
02:10a primrose slipover.
02:12I'm sure yellow's his colour, though.
02:14I see him more as a magenta man myself.
02:16You know, tone with his lipstick.
02:18I'm talking rubbish.
02:19I'm rambling.
02:20I've been reduced to a witless driveler,
02:23sent to Coventry by my own trouble and strife.
02:25Blimey.
02:39You've got five months to go, yes?
02:42Till you're in ankle straps.
02:46I'd be better off with an inflatable dummy.
02:50At least I could kick that down then,
02:51puncture it when I was born.
02:55When it's born, it has two million million cells.
03:01Started with one four months ago.
03:04Hmm.
03:05I mean, that's an impressive rate of interest,
03:07even by Sir Geoffrey Howe standards.
03:10A nine-inch embryo.
03:13Fetus.
03:14What?
03:15It's a fetus now.
03:16It stopped being an embryo two months ago.
03:19Oh?
03:20Do you think we should tell it?
03:22Perhaps it knows.
03:23Wakes up one day,
03:25looks about the amniotic sack and says,
03:27wow, I'm a fetus already.
03:29One more milestone, knocking on.
03:32Does it wake up?
03:33Go to sleep and wake up and so on.
03:35Ho, ho.
03:36Another hard day's kicking to do.
03:39Must get bored in there with no one to talk to.
03:42We'll sympathise with that.
03:45LAUGHTER
03:45Right, so it just sits there planning its escape.
03:49Now, which way round is it?
03:51I mean, does it wake up one day and say,
03:53right, that's it, I've had enough of this,
03:55I'm going walkies?
03:56Or,
03:57does your womb say,
03:59I'm fed up with this for a game of soldiers,
04:01out you go.
04:02What does make labour start?
04:04No one knows.
04:06Well, why not?
04:06It's 1980, for God's sake.
04:08We should know these things.
04:09We're not living in caves.
04:11Cutting back the health service
04:12and we don't even know what makes labour start.
04:15Lots of things we don't know.
04:17I think it's the second.
04:18I think it's that's why the world's in such a state
04:20where none of us wanted to leave in the first place.
04:22We resent being out here,
04:24like refugees.
04:26That's it, you know.
04:27In there we were happy, thank you very much.
04:30Warm, comfortable,
04:31nosh plumbed in.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:33No responsibility,
04:35no tax returns.
04:37We do not farm forth into this world,
04:40hopefully and willingly,
04:41we're evicted.
04:42Your hormones slap a repossession order
04:44on the uterus.
04:47Hmm.
04:48I wish you'd take an interest.
04:51Take an interest?
04:52I'm having the thing.
04:53Don't talk about our child like that.
04:55I'm having the thing.
04:57It's the miracle of renewal we're discussing.
05:00The mystical hub of our universe.
05:02I'm beginning to think
05:03I should have been a bit fussier
05:04where I left my chromosomes.
05:06LAUGHTER
05:07From what I gather of your past life,
05:11your chromosomes are fairly liberally distributed.
05:13LAUGHTER
05:14Funny to think, though,
05:18about the time that resulted in it.
05:20What?
05:21Oh, laryngitis better now, is it?
05:24Well, you know, I mean,
05:25we did it on other occasions,
05:26fruitless unions, you might say.
05:28But on this particular occasion,
05:29an Olympic-class spermatozoa
05:31with a nifty line in breast cancer
05:32makes it to home base
05:35and hits it off with an ovum.
05:36Ovum.
05:37Ovum.
05:38So this is my point.
05:38It's all down to what that particular crop
05:41of chromosomes is like on that day
05:42as to how our child turns out, isn't it?
05:45I mean, I'm making them by the million every day.
05:47All I need is a few millilitres of testosterone.
05:50I can knock off chromosomes by the trillion.
05:52Well, bully for you.
05:54So, if the guy on the chromosome production line
05:56who deals in, say, musical ability
05:59has a bit of an off day,
06:01you know, been living it up
06:02in a pancreatic duct the night before,
06:05then Sebastian turns out tone-deaf.
06:09Who's Sebastian?
06:11Well, just a name I thought of, you know.
06:13It's a terrible name.
06:15OK, I'm not saying we're going to call him Sebastian.
06:17We're not.
06:19All right, it was just a thought.
06:20I know it's a democracy.
06:21Keep your hair on.
06:23But as you see, I mean,
06:24if nothing happened that night,
06:25like you had headache or whatever...
06:27What?
06:28Well, you know.
06:29I never pulled that one.
06:31I know, it was a for instance.
06:32I say bugger off if I don't feel like it.
06:35Oh, no, I don't need telling.
06:38Making out I play silly games.
06:40I'm not.
06:41I think you're having a go at me.
06:42Look, all I'm trying to say
06:44is that if our chromosomes
06:45were a bit below par on that day,
06:47then what's-his-name
06:48turns out a dummy and a weakling,
06:50but if it was an ace chromosome day,
06:52he turns out as Einstein.
06:54Chromosomes are always the same.
06:56They can't be.
06:57I mean, if we had two kids,
06:58and don't worry, there's no chance of it.
07:00But if we did,
07:01they wouldn't be exactly the same, would they?
07:03They would, if they were twins.
07:05But if they weren't!
07:07No need to shout.
07:08That's because of the mix.
07:10Not the chromosomes being different,
07:11it's which genes are chosen.
07:14But they all combine.
07:15No, that's chromosomes.
07:17But chromosomes are genes.
07:18No, they're not.
07:19There's only 23 chromosomes.
07:20There's thousands of genes.
07:22Really?
07:23Yeah.
07:24But they're still all combined.
07:26No.
07:27Genes come in pairs.
07:29Is that a joke?
07:32No.
07:33They do.
07:34What are many of these genes are there, then?
07:37No-one knows.
07:38Round about 10,000, maybe.
07:40Well, hasn't someone counted?
07:41Blimey, we're in the dark ages.
07:45Here's me thinking we're in the age of white-hot technology,
07:48masters of our own destiny,
07:49and we don't know how many genes we've got
07:51or what makes labour start.
07:53Anyway, go on.
07:54I like this.
07:55One of the genes from one of your pairs
07:57joins up with one of the genes from one of mine.
08:00But it's still the same, if they're pairs.
08:03No, but they're not matched pairs.
08:04They just go together, like salt and pepper.
08:07So on the night when I felt like it
08:09and you weren't rude to me,
08:11my salt could have joined with your salt.
08:14Or my pepper with your pepper.
08:16Or my salt...
08:17With my pepper.
08:17Or your salt with my pepper.
08:19Like doing a Yankee at the bookies.
08:22Times 10,000 or so.
08:23All those genes picking up sides.
08:26Well, we're just lying there.
08:27Oh, it doesn't happen then.
08:29It's later.
08:30Maybe even the next day.
08:32Is that right?
08:33Yeah.
08:34Conception proper doesn't happen there and then.
08:36It could happen anywhere.
08:37At work, on the bus,
08:38while you're doing your teeth.
08:42Good God.
08:44All those women walking around conceiving.
08:48I mean, maybe you're just talking to someone.
08:50You know, morning, Mildred.
08:51Turned out nice again.
08:52And the miracle of renewal is happening all unbeknownst.
08:56Makes you think.
08:57So that's what decides everything.
08:59It's sex and characteristics.
09:01Yes, but it's my half that decides the sex, isn't it?
09:03Why?
09:04Well, I've got the sex chromosome.
09:06You would have.
09:09Want some coffee?
09:10So what's this about the house, then?
09:20Oh, um, a lot of plastering, apparently.
09:23Hmm.
09:25Well, what are we going to do about it?
09:28Shelley?
09:29What?
09:29What are we going to do about it?
09:31Oh, Leonard will sort it out.
09:32I just sort of said it, really.
09:34What do you mean?
09:35Well, you know, making conversation.
09:36I could tell you felt like a chat.
09:39Anything to eat?
09:40You've just had supper.
09:42I know that.
09:42I've got a good memory.
09:43I just feel a bit peckish.
09:45Cheese and biscuits or something.
09:47Shall we have real coffee with it?
09:49Oh, God.
09:50Have I got to make real coffee now?
09:51Oh, I'll do it, then.
09:52I know you must be worn out after supper.
09:53It takes its toll, opening all those tins and plastic bags.
09:58All right, I'll make it.
09:59I'll cut.
10:03Hey, I'll tell you something you never talk about.
10:05Well, I mean, tonight you don't talk at all, but usually.
10:08What's that?
10:09Oh, we're going to bring it up.
10:11Well, we don't need to talk about it, do we?
10:13Why not?
10:14Well, it's straightforward, isn't it?
10:16Is it?
10:16Sure.
10:17We just treat it like a human being.
10:20Explain everything carefully,
10:21consult it on important decisions and respect its privacy.
10:25And if that doesn't work...
10:26What?
10:26Beat it senseless.
10:29Typical of you to make light of it.
10:31Hark who's talking.
10:32But, I mean, it's important.
10:33It's not a kid, a toddler, a baby we're discussing.
10:36Not Zara, it'll turn into a grown-up person.
10:39I base this on a mass of evidence obtained by personal observation.
10:43I mean, we haven't even thought about it schooling.
10:46It's not going to be born for five months.
10:48It won't be school-age for five years.
10:50But if... if we wanted it to go to a public school, for instance.
10:54What?
10:55If we did.
10:57What sort of public school?
10:59Well, you know, a public school.
11:01Eaton, say.
11:01Eaton?
11:03Well?
11:04I have known you for four years.
11:07And about once every week, usually Thursdays, I notice,
11:10I have had to put up with a vicious diatribe from you
11:13against the public school system.
11:15Sandwiched between your lectures on the declining standards in English food
11:18and the iniquity of keg beer.
11:20And now we're going to send our kid to Eaton.
11:23I give up on you.
11:24I quite simply give up.
11:26Cheddar or Brie?
11:28Both.
11:29Just no point in trying to discuss things with you.
11:32I just took it for granted from your attitude
11:33that public school was obviously out of the question.
11:36Well, you shouldn't take these things for granted, should you?
11:38You're impossible.
11:39I don't think you realise what you're like to live with.
11:41You're just impossible.
11:42Oh, God, we're having a row now.
11:44Well, I'll get two choices, talk to a brick wall or have a row.
11:49We are not having a row.
11:50Feels pretty damn like it to me.
11:52Oh, shut up.
11:52Eaton.
12:01Why should we send our kid to Eaton, then?
12:03Well, I'm not saying we should have just wondered.
12:07I mean, you don't have to be royalty or anything.
12:09They just want the Reddies, same as everybody else.
12:11And they do a rather nice line in Prime Ministers.
12:16Anyway, you're quite right.
12:17Plenty of time to talk about that.
12:19Sorry I snapped.
12:19It's all right.
12:21I'll get used to it.
12:24I'll tell you what does worry me, though.
12:26What?
12:27Well, I mean, say it gets into a disputed school, like they do.
12:30And he says, my dad's bigger than your dad, like they do.
12:33And I end up having to take on this seven-foot steel worker.
12:37It might be a girl.
12:38Oh, I hope it is.
12:40You want a boy.
12:41Oh, I don't.
12:42Yes, you do.
12:43So you can play with his train set.
12:45You can buy a girl a train set.
12:48No, you can't.
12:49Of course you can.
12:50Don't be sexist.
12:51If it's a boy, are you going to buy him a Cindy doll?
12:54That's different.
12:55No, it isn't.
12:56Of course it is.
12:57You undress Cindy dolls, put sexy underwear on them.
13:02Can't bring up a boy to take liberties like that.
13:05Might start him wanting frilly dresses himself.
13:08Don't know him where that might lead.
13:11It's amazing, this boy.
13:13Mm, it is good.
13:16What about names?
13:18Oh, I don't know.
13:19If it's a girl, what about Trixie?
13:21Dummy.
13:23No, come on, let's discuss it.
13:24I mean, we've got to decide.
13:26Do you want to talk about it now?
13:28Why not?
13:29I'm reading this book.
13:30It's open.
13:55hello hello mrs. H hello mrs. H reading men are you
14:10only if Willie's dropped off there's nothing on the telly so I thought
14:15I'll pop up see how you were like some tea oh thanks very much I'll make it then shall I
14:45how long's your intestine mrs. H have a guess my what your intestine hey the thing that leads from
15:06your stomach to the departure lounge so well how should I know don't you ever wonder about
15:13these things certainly not go on have a guess but I don't know six inches wrong well I don't know and
15:26I said I don't know and I don't want to know kiss me the willies 28 feet don't talk soft 28 feet if we
15:38uncoiled it and pulled it straight he would stretch from the front door to the back door with your
15:42appendix about where your sideboard is I've had my appendix out how can it be that long it's all
15:52coiled up packed in like a conjurer's flags make the tea strong it's got a long way to go
15:5828 feet yep blimey you're reading that book slowly I don't want to finish it it's really good I'm reading
16:11each page twice to make it last like pilgrim steps what's that book then all about intestines is it yes
16:18blood and bones and functions death senility and disease nice cheerful bit of reading then I'm enjoying
16:26it did you know for instance that people are 80 percent water or in your case tea
16:3180 percent at least of course looked at it another way you're hardly here at all
16:41what do you mean well if we measured your atomic matter there wouldn't be enough to fill a coffee
16:47spoon fat no one here look I don't want to be rude but sometimes I get very worried about you he's
16:54harmless mrs. H all I'm saying mrs. H is that even physically your presence here is a demonstrably
16:59tenuous one when we get into the realm of the metaphysical I'm sure not here at all of course I'm
17:06here beginning to wish I wasn't but how do you know well because I'm here I know I'm here well
17:13assuming that you do know that you're here and frankly I'm far from convinced you still don't know
17:18that I'm here do you of course I do I can see you I can hear the twaddle you're talking but you might
17:26just be imagining me I couldn't imagine you no then again where's here what what you mean by here
17:37West Hampstead Pangloss Road number 14 upstairs in the nutters room yes all you said is where we are in
17:47relation to London where London is in relation to Britain ultimately where we are in relation to
17:52the universe now the question is where's the universe oh well how should I know I'm not an
17:58astronomer but if you don't know you're here or where here is you might just be the figment of
18:04someone's imagination mind you who god I guess by definition still seeing that you're quite sure
18:12you are here how about getting on with the tea have you established whether there's a god or not
18:19I just like to know before I get on with my book well I don't know offhand well you've just said we're
18:25not here haven't you well I haven't said we're not I've just said we don't have to be well if we
18:29don't have to be surely the most likely explanation is that we're not I mean there'd be no point in being
18:34here if we didn't have to be would there well no that's true right so we're not here god almighty
18:43so therefore we must be the figment of something's imagination
18:47that something by definition being god ergo there is a god q-e-d
18:53right yes well I'm glad we got that sorted out not bad for an evening's chat by the fireside
19:03solving one of the basic riddles of our existence honestly I've never heard such rubbish in all my
19:10life I'm not kidding you I honestly think you're not quite all there no it's not rubbish mrs h listen
19:16I'll give you an analogy I don't want an analogy what's an analogy something to compare it with now
19:23take dreaming all right yes now you dream every night no I don't I don't dream very
19:30often only when I've had cheese or something you don't remember your dreams but you do dream every
19:36night how do you know well you do it's a fact there's ways of telling how can there be
19:42you've just been saying there's no way of even knowing we're here or where west hamstered is now
19:47you say we know all about dreams people aren't even having I've never heard anything like it
19:53now I think you have a point there mrs h hey you read your book all right now you dream sometimes
20:00don't you yes well how do you know that that isn't real life and all this is dreaming well that's
20:06plain daft but how do you know well because you wake up don't you the alarm goes off you have to
20:12get the old man off to work you know you're back in the real world all right blimey
20:23is that right you dream every night yeah funny you don't remember them exactly
20:29I'll tell you something else I bet you don't know what where were you when you conceived your colleague
20:35what should we be in the front on the bus in the butcher you think I'm being impertinent you're
20:48bloody right I do well I'm not talking about what you think I'm talking about well you're not talking
20:54about the price of fish are you well you see until this very night I labored under the delusion that the
21:00miracle of renewal was initiated during hanky-panky not so my lady wife to be informs me doubtless on
21:07the authority of this book that this is something the tadpole and the egg get together all by themselves
21:12in their own good times very possibly the incipient colin sprang into being while you were hoovering
21:19what's the matter mrs h oh nothing i just suddenly found out a few things i hadn't realized
21:29oh yeah like i'm not really here and it's hoovering that causes babies
21:41and on top of that i'm made out of a coffee spoon of water
21:43i was quite happy till i come through that door no no no mrs h not water atomic matter everything's
21:51made up of atoms i know that i'm not completely stupid no no why don't atoms fall apart i mean
22:02what makes them stick to each other well i don't know really they uh just have a natural tendency to
22:07clump together like 159 buses and what's this coffee spoon stuff then well the actual matter in
22:16the atom is only a minuscule part of it it's mostly space and what's this matter made of then eh well
22:24that's a question in it well yes i suppose it is can't alter that can you clever clogs no one can it's
22:31one of the basic riddles of the universe like where all the ballpoint pens go to
22:38or or why reggie bozenkay quit news at 10. has it got about atoms then this book no no just the body
22:47dear god in heaven what's that it's got here how elephants
23:01what you know what mrs h do they're hoovering
23:17good
23:29anyone fancy a game of anything dummy whist charades
23:35murder
23:36Quick gangbang, Pat
23:41Oh, for God's sake
23:48I wonder if there is a God
23:58Oh, shut up
23:59Oh, is it bedtime now?
24:01No, no, I just put this on to do a bit of midnight shopping
24:04All right, I only asked
24:06I'm glad it's bedtime
24:12So am I
24:13All that reading's given me a headache
24:34Thank you
24:36Cause are you
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