- 15/05/2025
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00:00You
00:30yes Ted Bishop no you must have the wrong house there aren't any other houses this
00:58is Kander Harstreet might be number 11 written on the door give away that sure
01:13you're not Ted Bishop you from the council no developers from the paper no I'm from
01:22Venus I've come to steal your house and take it back to our planet I've come about
01:28the room all right the one for rent I rang up then you'd better come in I'm Ted Bishop
01:35I'm James Shelley pleased to meet you tell me do you always deny that you're yourself yes
01:51have a seat mind you don't sit on the parrot it's all right he must be in the kitchen I let him out of
02:02his cage now and again give him a bit of exercise yes I always say I'm not me to begin with you could
02:09have been anyone psychopath mass murderer Jeremy Beadle so what made you pick this room then well I was
02:19intrigued by your ad room to let reasonable rates smokers accountants Germans and especially anyone
02:30who believes in all that rubbish about astrology need not apply what's odd about that it's hardly
02:36the standard format but it's worth it I got cornered by this woman at the over 60s club the other day
02:42blathering on about star signs and how I was a typical herpes in the house of Jupiter and the Germans and the
02:51accountants well that just stands to reason don't it Shelley you say yes that's funny when I was a kid
03:05we had a cat called Shelley really great big fat hairy thing with worms had it put down come on then
03:15so do you want it what about heating that's here I've had those before you sit in front of them
03:35with icicles forming in your ears while your ankles are toasted until they glow and spit like donna kebab
03:42nobody said it was the Ritz if you don't want it is no skin of my nose anyway I expect you'll be
03:50trouble mr. Shelley you're gonna smoke no old wild parties stay up all night no bring women back at
03:57all hours no pity might liven things up a bit well the rents 40 quid a week we split the bills and you
04:07take your turn cleaning out the parrot and I'm not negotiating I was gonna say that seems very low
04:16then you're lucky aren't you my dad was born in this room you know 1907 really difficult birth it was if
04:27you look closely you can still see the blood stains on the floor
04:35any questions then there is just one thing you see I couldn't help noticing but all the other houses in the
04:41street do appear to have been knocked down
04:45yes I don't recall any earthquakes in Streatham they had no guts everybody else sold up you see
04:54these developer types they want to build a hypermarket and leisure center here in fact
04:58you're standing right in the middle of the gardening section oh now I see why the room's so cheap what
05:04time do the builders start up in the morning oh not that early the pile driver never starts before
05:09eight eight eight thirty on Sundays I don't think I could put up with that why not I put up with it
05:15for months leisure center doesn't make you want to puke I remember when people used to make their own
05:22entertainment sing songs go for walks play party games bloody boring mind you aren't they offering
05:31compensation offering me a fortune to get out but I'm not interested no it's this house I want I live here
05:37here I've lived here for 61 years you must have somewhere like that some building you've spent so
05:44much time in it's become a part of you yes the job center that's the bathroom and that's your room
05:58uh no I'm down below at the back so that's nothing there's no point in you going in there so what's
06:06in there the mad family retainer manacle to the wall now he's in the pantry oh gotta make a phone call
06:15follow me you couldn't make a noise like a computer could you what never mind is is that the Kandahar Street site oh thank heavens this is the gas board
06:33central control our computer's showing a serious loss of mains pressure directly beneath your site which indicates a fracture in an arterial gas main which means that there's a very serious danger of an explosion so would you please evacuate the site as soon as possible our
06:40emergency team is on its way well
07:06Well, yes, you may not be able to smell gas.
07:09That probably means that it's building up in a huge pocket somewhere beneath you.
07:13Now, please evacuate.
07:17That got him.
07:25And here he comes out of the hut.
07:30He's told the men.
07:32Here they come.
07:33Um, the manager with a three-length lead, but both brickies closing fast.
07:40Do you want to bet?
07:41First one to the road, I'll have the red-haired one.
07:44No, I fancy the bald one in the blue floral shirt.
07:48Yes, he's pulling into a good lead.
07:51But no, no, no, no, here comes someone on the bulldozer's side.
07:56They're neck and neck and at the line.
08:01You're right.
08:02The red-haired one.
08:04You've done this before, haven't you?
08:07No.
08:08Yesterday, I rang up and ordered three tonnes of ice cream cash on delivery.
08:16And last week, I rang up pretending to be a local historian and asked them if they knew
08:21they were excavating on the site of an old plague pit and that even as we spoke, the bubonic
08:25plague virus was seeping out of the ground to the water.
08:29That's when the red-haired one showed how fast he was.
08:31I know what you've got in that room.
08:35A giant catapult.
08:38Oh, good.
08:38He's back in his cage.
08:43He's an African grey.
08:45I took him over from old Joe next door.
08:49He gave in, so they put him in a home where he couldn't keep pets.
08:52He hasn't been happy since, won't ring his bell, won't nibble his cuttlefish.
08:56Well, I've heard old people's homes are bad.
08:58Mind you, he's always been a miserable bloody bird.
09:07I tried to teach him to talk, but he just won't do it.
09:10He just sits there, not saying anything, and he's dead on one side.
09:13Sounds like Princess Di.
09:16Aren't you going to get into trouble over all these phone calls?
09:20No, no, no.
09:22No, you see, you see, I'm just a confused old man.
09:27I don't know what I'm doing.
09:33It's what everybody thinks we're like, haven't we?
09:36You see, if you're under six or over 60, you can get away with anything.
09:40Look at Lord Aylsham, he's been taking the mickey for years.
09:46It's an advantage that you youngsters don't have.
09:49You're the first person to call me a youngster in a very long time.
09:52Well, you're younger than lots of people.
09:55You're younger than the Rolling Stones.
09:57Everyone's younger than the Rolling Stones.
10:03Anyhow, I'm reconciled to the slow slide into senility.
10:07No, no, no, no, that's all wrong.
10:10You shouldn't have that attitude, not at your age.
10:12Remember what they say, drink, dance and be merry, for tomorrow you may die.
10:16If I drink, dance and be merry, then tomorrow I'll almost certainly die.
10:21No, nowadays I play safe.
10:23My wife and I played it safe.
10:25We worked, we saved.
10:27We put things off so we could enjoy our old age.
10:30And what do I end up with?
10:31Piles, poverty and a parrot.
10:33She died two weeks after I retired.
10:41Is that fair?
10:43No.
10:45So, this room, do you want it?
10:47Well, perhaps I could take it for a trial period.
10:51I can see it's going to be a bloody trial with you, right?
10:55All right, then, but don't forget you take your turn cleaning out the parrot.
10:58Fine.
11:00Just like Casablanca, eh?
11:03We're like that pair in a film.
11:05Angry Bergman and Humphrey Bogart?
11:07No, no, no, no, no.
11:08Humphrey and the other bloke.
11:10You know.
11:11You know, they walk off into the mist and he says,
11:14this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
11:19Oh, yes.
11:22On the other hand, it could be a complete bloody misery.
11:25LAUGHTER
11:26Well, James.
11:52You've been here two days.
11:53And already this is looking like yet another of your brilliant mistakes.
11:59LAUGHTER
11:59I don't know.
12:02Somehow I seem genetically programmed to always cock things up.
12:08LAUGHTER
12:08I wonder what I was in previous lives.
12:12Tactical advisor to General Custer?
12:15LAUGHTER
12:16Judas Iscariot's PR man?
12:20LAUGHTER
12:21Cecil Parkinson's vasectomist.
12:24LAUGHTER
12:25LAUGHTER
12:26Ah, well.
12:29Look on the bright side.
12:31You're going to get something right eventually.
12:34And this room is exceptionally cheap.
12:38I just don't know if I can live with Ted.
12:42It's exactly what I'll be like in 20 years' time.
12:45LAUGHTER
12:45I'm living with the ghost of Shelley yet to come.
12:48LAUGHTER
12:48No.
12:52There must be an alternative.
12:53LAUGHTER
12:55LAUGHTER
12:56LAUGHTER
12:57LAUGHTER
12:58LAUGHTER
12:59No, he obviously didn't want me to go in there,
13:04so I should show a little respect.
13:06LAUGHTER
13:07LAUGHTER
13:08LAUGHTER
13:09LAUGHTER
13:10Funny how nosiness always wins out over respect.
13:15Oh, no, I see why he was so secretive.
13:24He's an international terrorist.
13:27LAUGHTER
13:27He's kidnapped Liechtenstein.
13:32He's holding it for ransom.
13:33LAUGHTER
13:34It's beautifully done.
13:40What the hell do you think you're doing?
13:42I made it perfectly clear you weren't to come in here.
13:45This part of the house is private.
13:47All right, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.
13:49What do you mean you didn't mean to?
13:50Admit it, come on, you were just being nosy, weren't you?
13:53Ah, no, let me explain.
13:54You see, what happened was...
13:56I was just being nosy.
13:58Sorry.
13:59Yes, well...
14:01Sorry is not much use now, is it?
14:05Beautiful model.
14:07What's it of?
14:07It's, um...
14:09It's a place in Austria.
14:12Well, it's superbly done.
14:13I don't know why you're so secretive about it.
14:15Well, I don't want everybody to know I've got a bit of Austria in my upstairs bedroom.
14:19How long did it take you?
14:21Three years.
14:22I started it when my wife died.
14:26It's a place called Hallstatt.
14:30We first went there on our honeymoon, fell in love with the place and kept going back.
14:35Have you ever been to Austria?
14:37Beautiful country, wasted on the Austrians, of course.
14:41Worth visiting, though, just for the lovely walks.
14:44You should go.
14:45Oh, no, it wouldn't be any good for my phobia.
14:47I mean, I get these panic attacks if anyone comes near me with a rucksack.
14:51It's always puzzled me how a country so beautifully peaceful and serene as Austria
14:57could produce someone as nervous as Hitler.
15:00Now, I suppose he was a fraction on the jumpy side.
15:04I often wondered if that song was true, do you know?
15:07The one about Hitler having a shortfall in the testicles department.
15:15It would explain a lot, all that aggression.
15:18His deficiency would have made him feel inadequate and driven him on to dominate the world.
15:23I don't see why he should have felt inadequate.
15:26I mean, testicles aren't an essential prerequisite for a would-be tyrant, as we've discovered to our cost.
15:32No, they're not essential at all.
15:39I mean, nowadays, to be a successful politician, you just have to talk bollocks, not own a bit.
15:44So, um, so is this model finished, then?
15:52No, no, the evening classes have slowed me down.
15:55Evening classes?
15:56Yes.
15:57Mondays, I do history of art.
15:59Tuesdays, creative writing.
16:01Wednesday, Japanese.
16:02Thursdays, comparative religions.
16:05Fridays, I make pots.
16:06And Saturdays, I go ball and dancing.
16:07And Sundays, brain surgery, ice hockey and origami.
16:13I'm telling you, you get a lot out of these night classes.
16:17I've wasted so much of my life, you see.
16:19I spent 30 years building up a small business with some mates, making quality furniture.
16:24One day, this big firm comes along, buys us out.
16:27Just a friendly takeover, they say, we'll all keep our jobs.
16:30Six months later, they tell us we're no longer viable.
16:34Do you know what viable means?
16:35Yes, it's a word people use when they're about to stitch you up.
16:40Bang on.
16:41I had to take early retirement.
16:43Helen died, all that hard graft.
16:45Wasted.
16:46I live for the moment now.
16:48I should do the same if I were you.
16:50Live in the fast lane.
16:51No, I don't like the fast lane.
16:54It's full of big black BMWs who come roaring up your backside, flashing their headlights.
16:59No.
16:59I prefer life in the slow lane.
17:02With the robbing reliance and the post office bags.
17:05No, no, no, no, no, no.
17:07That's a waste of time.
17:10Besides, you never know what nasty surprises fate may have in store.
17:14Let me tell you something very important which you should never, ever forget.
17:20The ancient Greek playwright Aeschylus was killed by a tortoise, which was dropped onto his head by a passing eagle.
17:34Do you see the moral of that?
17:42Well, let me see.
17:43What I...
17:44What I think you're saying is that you should always live for the day because you never know when you might be brained by an airborne tortoise.
17:55Exactly.
17:59It's just common sense, really, isn't it?
18:02I can see we're going to have a lot of interesting chats, you and me.
18:06Ah, yes.
18:06Well, actually, Ted, you see, I was meaning to...
18:08Oh, do you mind if I borrow this to line the parrot's cage?
18:10Oh, it's an evening standard.
18:14Is that a problem?
18:15Well, the parrot's got quite good taste.
18:17Usually he'll only crap on the sun.
18:19Still...
18:19Still...
18:22Oh.
18:28You're still looking for places, then?
18:30Yes, well, Ted, your room's very cosy, but it is a fraction on the small side.
18:35And, um, well, what with the building site and everything, it might be a bit noisy and, uh, well, we did say it was for a trial period.
18:44Oh, I see you will.
18:46Ha! Funny!
18:48I just got used to the idea of your being around, still.
18:56Should I get there?
18:57Hmm?
18:58Oh, yeah.
18:58Hmm.
19:05That's the Jehovah's Witnesses. Tell them I'm busy sacrificing a virgin to Satan.
19:11Gotcha!
19:14Oh.
19:16Is Mr Bishop in?
19:17That depends.
19:19Mind if I frisk you for copies of Watchtower?
19:22Mr Bishop does know me.
19:26Yes!
19:27I know him, all right.
19:29He's from the developers.
19:31May I come in?
19:32You already are in.
19:33My name's Simon Lee, Development Executive of Sky Blue Buildings, PLC, and you are?
19:40James Sherry, Chief Executive of Global Slobs, PLC.
19:45And you're staying here, are you?
19:47Apparently not. Now, say your piece and op it.
19:50Right.
19:51Mr Bishop, you've not responded to our last cash offer, which was extremely generous.
19:55I've told you I'm not budging!
19:58Yes, well, we're a people-friendly company and we like to do business amicably.
20:02But I have to tell you, your remaining here is just not viable.
20:05Oh, no, you see that bloody word again.
20:08Mr Bishop, if necessary, we will build our hypermarket and leisure centre around your house.
20:14In the meantime, your house will be choked with dust.
20:17The noise from our pile drivers will be deafening.
20:19Our vehicles, regrettably, may block your road.
20:23Good. Life will become very difficult, especially for someone at your time of life.
20:27Oh, here we go.
20:29The moment we're past 60, we're all meant to turn into incontinent cripples.
20:32Now, listen, Sonny.
20:34I'll happily down ten pints of bitter with you any time and match you bladder for bladder.
20:39I'm merely pointing out the futility of you digging your heels in.
20:45And I'm sure if your wife were alive today, she'd advise you to be realistic.
20:49How dare you drag my wife into your sordid little machinations!
20:54You're making a big mistake, Mr Bishop.
20:56Yes.
20:57I'd use the five iron if I were you.
20:59You're a witness, Mr Shelley. He's mentally unstable.
21:04Well, I'm not sure.
21:05I'd say attacking a developer with a golf club was the very benchmark of sanity.
21:11He's not in control. He should be in a home.
21:13Right, that's it. I'm going to kill him.
21:14Hey, Ted, Ted, Ted!
21:16Calm down, Ted! Come on, now.
21:18Calm down.
21:21Now, I think you've upset him quite enough, don't you?
21:24Why don't you just go and stop harassing him?
21:27I'm not harassing anybody, Mr Shelley.
21:29And besides, what's it got to do with you?
21:31You're not staying here.
21:32Yes, I am.
21:33Are you?
21:36Yes, I am.
21:38Well, then, I think I should point out to you, Mr Shelley,
21:40that life here will be as difficult for you as for Mr Bishop.
21:43And I think I should point out to you
21:45that if your building work creates a nuisance for Mr Bishop
21:49or affects his quality of life unreasonably,
21:51then we may be forced to sue,
21:53have the building work stopped,
21:54and extract substantial damages from Sky Blue Buildings, PLC.
21:59And if you doubt the strength of the validity of his argument in law,
22:03then I suggest you refer to the relevant legal precedent
22:06to wit the case of Rennick versus Penrose Buildings, 1974.
22:13Right.
22:13If that's your attitude.
22:20Do you know anything about plague pits, Mr Bishop?
22:24No.
22:25Sounds like you need a local historian to me.
22:28I'll be back.
22:29Oh, you all right now?
22:39Yes, yes.
22:40So, er, what happened in the case of Rennick versus Penrose,
22:46whatchamacallit, so?
22:48God knows I made it up.
22:50Did you, er, mean what you said just now about your stay in there?
22:55Yes.
22:55Yes.
22:57Yes.
22:58I've decided to stay.
23:00Really?
23:01Yeah.
23:03Do what you want.
23:04There's no skin off my nose.
23:05I don't give a monkey's whether you stay or not.
23:09Oh, charming.
23:11I thought you'd be pleased, you know, that I'd be around to help.
23:13Help?
23:14I don't need any help.
23:15I'm not a charity case.
23:17Now, let's do as you said.
23:18You stay for a trial period,
23:20and then if I don't like you, it's on your bike.
23:22You do need help, you proud old sod.
23:24You need protecting from yourself.
23:27From daft urges to play golf with other people's heads,
23:30you'll get into trouble, Ted.
23:32What a load of sphericals you do talk.
23:35I can take care of myself.
23:37Okay.
23:38Fine.
23:39I'll leave you alone permanently.
23:44Actually, Shelley, there is something you could help me with.
23:47Go on.
23:53It's, um, it's just that I've got this problem,
23:56and I would appreciate your advice as to what I should do about it.
24:01Sure.
24:03Fire away.
24:06Right, well,
24:07this model I've made of a Second World War bomb.
24:24Whereabouts on the building site
24:26do you think I should bury them?
24:27All right.
24:31One, two, three.
24:36Good.
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