- 09/05/2025
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00:00Piano music
00:30Rare, medium, or well done?
00:39Well done.
00:41How's it going?
00:43Hmm?
00:44The bills?
00:45It's not the poverty, I mind. It's the paperwork.
00:48Well, I mind the poverty as well.
00:51You ever considered selling your body on the streets?
00:54I mean, I'd sell mine, but there's not the demand.
00:58How much are we short?
00:59About £18.50, according to this.
01:02Could always charge 20 quid, cover expenses.
01:05I mean, you wouldn't have to do anything.
01:06There aren't any real clients any more.
01:08They're just reporters from documentaries.
01:12What am I having well done?
01:14Toasted cheese.
01:18£18.50 is a lot, Shelley.
01:20Are they all final demands?
01:22Hmm. Post office ought to invent a new bird for its bills.
01:26Victor the Vulture says,
01:27Hello, Mum.
01:29Unless payment is received within seven days,
01:32we shall be obliged to disembowel you.
01:35And disconnect your telephone.
01:38Did you get Mrs H to babysit tonight?
01:40Yes, I told you.
01:42You asked that about an hour ago.
01:43Oh, sorry.
01:45Shelley, you really are worried, aren't you?
01:46Why did you say that?
01:48Well, for a start, you haven't complained about having to eat toasted cheese again.
01:51Take it, it was red.
01:53Is it that bad?
01:54Nah.
01:55Well, yes.
01:56Next month could be dodgy.
01:57Very dodgy indeed.
01:59We shouldn't have this trouble.
02:01We managed to live off the generous fruits of state benefit before.
02:05We'll just have to get used to living the way we did, won't we?
02:08I'll pop Emma back in then, shall I?
02:12Shelley, by your calculations, we get £43.80 a week.
02:17Minus phone, gas, electricity rates, that leaves us about £20.50.
02:23That's for food and everything.
02:25Do you think we can manage on that?
02:26I don't see we have much choice.
02:27I haven't the bill for a bank robber.
02:29So, back to basics.
02:31Student life.
02:32You know, chair, table, knife, fork, spoon, £600 quadraphonic sound system.
02:38By the way, do we have to have toasted cheese?
02:41We had it for lunch as well.
02:42Oh, glad to see you're feeling yourself again.
02:44And breakfast.
02:45It's just something I can cook.
02:47It's the only thing you can cook.
02:49It's just that when you progress beyond bread,
02:51you know, started putting it under grills, burning it, that sort of thing.
02:55I thought this marked a point of departure.
02:58Opened up new avenues.
03:00Jugged hair, boeuf bourguignon, paella, pot noodles.
03:04The possibilities were endless.
03:08Do you know why we're having toasted cheese again, Shelley?
03:10No, why are we having toasted cheese again?
03:13Economy.
03:14Go on, answer the door.
03:16You'd better get it quickly before she rings again and uses more electricity.
03:21Hello, Mrs. H.
03:23Hello.
03:24Welcome to the Coliseum.
03:25Take your pick, lions or Christians.
03:27Come on.
03:29Hello, Fran.
03:30Hello, Mrs. H.
03:31You two at it again?
03:32You're beginning to get like a real married couple.
03:35Fran's causing trouble.
03:36Doesn't want to go out on the streets again, I ask you.
03:39Cup of tea, Mrs. H.
03:41Oh, thanks.
03:42Well, where are you two off gallivanting tonight, then?
03:46It's an old university friend of Shelley's.
03:48We haven't seen him for three years.
03:50How did he find you, Shelley?
03:51He said he'd met Lawrence at the agency.
03:53God knows what he was doing there.
03:55Never done a stroke of work in his life.
03:57I can see why you two get on.
04:00Thank you, Mrs. H.
04:01He said he was coming here from Nice or somewhere.
04:04He'll probably hitchhike here again.
04:06Now, Fran doesn't like Dennis, Mrs. H.
04:08Well, he was about the pushiest hippie I've ever met.
04:11When everybody else in college had decided they wanted to make love, not war,
04:14he was renting out his room at 50p a time, so they had somewhere to do it.
04:20You two don't seem to know anyone normal.
04:22We know you, Mrs. H.
04:25Oh, yes.
04:26You're not having a cup of tea?
04:28No, thanks, Mrs. H.
04:30Anyway, Shelley's probably rationing us.
04:32Rationing?
04:33He's on an economy drive.
04:35Oh.
04:37Scrounging not what it used to be, then.
04:40How much is it we've got to live on every week, Shelley?
04:42Not very much, anyway.
04:44Oh, you'll have trouble, you will.
04:45You're not used to it.
04:47Don't you worry, Mrs. H.
04:48It'll be no problem.
04:49Scrounging is like riding a bicycle.
04:51It's something you never forget.
04:53Anyway, I blame it on people like your Willie, having two jobs.
04:57Just plain greedy, that.
04:59I mean, it's not as if there's a lot to go around these days.
05:01Like taking the last chocolate digestive, that is.
05:04He was saying the other day
05:05that if he ever lost both his jobs,
05:07you ought to get two lots of dole.
05:11If this economy drive of yours,
05:13Emma's going to be all right, is she?
05:14No, no.
05:15Next week we start hiring her out to climb chimneys.
05:18You see, at the moment, she's just economically unviable.
05:21She sleeps, wakes up, eats, burps,
05:23refills her fatty pants and goes to sleep again.
05:26Well, we were all like that once.
05:28About six months ago, in Shelley's case.
05:31Thank you very much.
05:33You two having a competition?
05:37Purse.
05:38Den.
05:38Hello.
05:39How's tricks?
05:40Fine, fine.
05:41Come on in.
05:44Fran.
05:44Hi.
05:45Hello, Dennis.
05:46You're looking lovelier than ever.
05:48This baby I've heard about must have done you good.
05:51This is Mrs. H, ex-landlady,
05:53babysitter and pillar of the salon tea industry.
05:56Hello, Mrs. H.
05:57I've heard a lot about you.
05:59Oh, yes.
06:00All good, I hope.
06:01Nothing but the best.
06:02I presume you didn't hitchhike here this time.
06:05Got the BMW outside.
06:07Not bad, eh?
06:08Fran,
06:09a present for you.
06:11Oh, thank you.
06:12You wouldn't believe the traffic.
06:14An hour and a half from Heathrow.
06:15I wish I'd stayed in Nice.
06:17Dorified holiday, really.
06:18All the firm's European media men.
06:20That's me now.
06:22You know why media men have BMWs?
06:24No.
06:24Because they can't spell Porsche.
06:26Ha, ha.
06:26I don't know whether I'm coming or going.
06:31I've got to fly to Brussels and back tomorrow.
06:33Selling space and time to the Walloons.
06:35Space and time?
06:36Well, start in a small way, that's what I say.
06:38No, no, no.
06:39Magazine space, airtime.
06:40You know you're in the business, aren't you?
06:41When did this happen to you, Dennis?
06:43You astound me.
06:44You really do.
06:45Three years ago,
06:46the only time and space you sold
06:48was in those orange-spotted mushrooms
06:50you grew in the bath.
06:51Well, we all fall in the end.
06:53And a good thing, too,
06:55and you can't talk,
06:55working for Lawrence's lot.
06:57Well, I'm not anymore.
06:58Oh, well, they were a bit small-time, weren't they?
07:00Got a better offer, did you?
07:01Yeah, from the Dole office.
07:03Great Prospects.
07:04It's an expanding company
07:05and you can stay with them
07:06as long as you like.
07:08So you're, uh, between jobs?
07:10Probably between a job
07:11and an old-age pension.
07:12No, no, don't be like that.
07:14Come on, it's Saturday night.
07:15Let's forget all about this
07:16and go and hit the high spots, eh?
07:17Now then, your car or mine?
07:19Have to be yours, Dennis.
07:20I'll let the houseboy
07:21take the Mercedes.
07:21Ha, ha, ha!
07:22The Old Abattoir.
07:42Lovely name.
07:43Charming place.
07:44So glad we came here.
07:45One of the smartest slaughterhouses
07:47I've ever had the pleasure to attend.
07:51No wonder customers
07:52going into a Turkish brothel
07:54turn to each other and say,
07:55Stone me.
07:56It's just like an English nightclub.
08:00Now, you know.
08:01Takes your coat at the door.
08:03Takes it like he's skinning you.
08:05You see the size of him?
08:06Built like a two-ton prick.
08:08Exactly.
08:09Or the billy goats,
08:10as they call it here.
08:12What's yours?
08:12The nanny goats.
08:13Yeah.
08:16Shelley, have you seen
08:17the prices of these drinks?
08:19Ah, that's just for the cherry.
08:20You see, by a drink in a pub
08:21without a cherry,
08:22it costs 50p.
08:23By the same drink in here,
08:24it costs £2.50.
08:26Ergo, the cherry costs £2.
08:28Why didn't you tell him
08:29we couldn't afford it?
08:30Was I going to give him
08:31the pleasure?
08:32BMW outside,
08:33just flown in from Nice.
08:36Chocolates made from the juice
08:37of at least 15 unicorns.
08:40You're just envious.
08:42Anyway, where is Den?
08:43Frank, all business.
08:45Just buying Manhattan
08:46as a birthday present
08:46for his chauffeur.
08:48Took Los Angeles back
08:49because it was shop soil.
08:52Do you remember
08:52what he used to be like?
08:54Chalk Farms' answer
08:55to Che Guevara.
08:57Every Friday,
08:58he took a weekend return
08:59to liberate Bolivia.
09:00He had so many peace pendants
09:02and assaulted ironware,
09:03he clanked like a centurion tank
09:05and interfered with radio reception.
09:07Didn't hold a conversation with you.
09:09he pointed to a badge.
09:11First, Fran.
09:13Sorry about that.
09:17Sorry, sorry.
09:19No more business, eh?
09:20Now then, how you doing?
09:21Fine, fine.
09:22Just admiring the decor.
09:23Yeah, it is a bit much, isn't it?
09:25Still, my local.
09:27I don't think I'd really want
09:28another drink, please, Den.
09:29Oh, come on, Fran.
09:30I'm driving.
09:31Hey, Trace, Tracey, Tracey,
09:32come over here.
09:33Come here, my best friend.
09:34This is Shelley
09:34and this is your girlfriend.
09:35Tracey.
09:36Hi.
09:36Hello.
09:37How are things at the flat?
09:38Oh, no more trouble, Den.
09:40Not since you came round.
09:41Good, good.
09:42Landlord,
09:42giving Tracey here a hard time.
09:44Just needed a bit of sorting out,
09:45you know.
09:45Now then,
09:46what shall we have?
09:47Same again?
09:47Three more pina coladas,
09:49all those Singapore store
09:49house things are good,
09:50aren't they, Tracey?
09:51Are the goat's blood cocktails
09:52real gooey?
09:54I'll just have an orange juice.
09:55Oh, come on, Fran.
09:57Put something in it.
09:58An orange juice is fine.
10:00Tequila sunrise, Tracey.
10:01Purse,
10:02half a bitter, please, Tracey.
10:06Sorry?
10:07You know,
10:08a Kentop sling.
10:09Oh,
10:10sorry,
10:11we don't do English beer.
10:13No, of course,
10:13not being in England,
10:14you wouldn't have to go
10:15to Costa Brava for that.
10:18Purse,
10:18you don't drink beer here.
10:20Come on,
10:21it's on me.
10:22Den,
10:22I like beer.
10:23We do ice-cold bottle lager.
10:25It's real nice.
10:27Brewed by Danes.
10:28No,
10:28I'll have something English,
10:29please.
10:29How about a glass of water?
10:32Perrier?
10:33Make that a tequila sunrise.
10:36Now,
10:36how about something to eat?
10:37No, thanks.
10:38Oh,
10:38well,
10:38better make that
10:39three plates of croque, monsieur.
10:40These two probably
10:41haven't eaten for days.
10:42Well,
10:43on your bike,
10:44Tracey,
10:44on your bike.
10:45Really, Den,
10:45I'm not hungry.
10:46Oh,
10:47come on,
10:47it's only a snack.
10:48Pride of the house.
10:49Yeah,
10:49great place,
10:50isn't it?
10:50Meat market.
10:52American waitresses
10:53dressed up as Swiss milkmaids
10:54serving frozen Danish chemicals
10:56in an abattoir.
10:57I mean,
10:58where else,
10:58where else would you go
10:59for a night out,
11:00huh?
11:01Send real animals in here,
11:02you wouldn't have to knock them off,
11:04they'd keel over
11:04from culture shock.
11:06Look at it,
11:07slaughterhouse chic.
11:08A sort of overpriced
11:10international death camp
11:11for also-ran jet-setters
11:13designed by an incompetent,
11:15psychopathic alcoholic
11:16on an off day.
11:19Apart from that,
11:19he likes it.
11:21Bloody hell.
11:22By the way,
11:23what are croque, monsieur?
11:25Sort of...
11:25toasted cheese.
11:27Yeah.
11:28Trace,
11:38Tracy,
11:39another drink?
11:40No, really.
11:41Oh, come on.
11:42We'd love another drink,
11:43then.
11:43It's just that
11:44we're on call tonight.
11:45On call?
11:46Yeah,
11:47I didn't tell you,
11:47but we do this work
11:49as voluntary medical orderlies
11:50one night a week,
11:52and so we'd better
11:53not drink too much.
11:54I mean,
11:54we don't usually get called up,
11:55but better not take the risk.
11:57Ah.
11:58Well,
11:58better call it a night.
11:59That's it then, Trace.
12:00What's the damage?
12:01I'll pay for these two,
12:02Percy hasn't got two pennies
12:03to rub together,
12:04have you, Percy?
12:05This, Trace,
12:06is doing my bit
12:06for the unemployed.
12:08No, thanks,
12:08but we're not accepting
12:09food parcels
12:10from the Red Cross yet.
12:11I'll pay our share.
12:13No, no, I'll pay.
12:14I've got the cash.
12:15It's on me.
12:16Perhaps we could pay next time.
12:17Yeah.
12:18I'm paying our share.
12:19No, I'll pay.
12:21You can both pay
12:22if you want.
12:23I'll pay.
12:24All right.
12:24That's the way you want it.
12:26How much is it then, Trace?
12:27That's, uh,
12:28$29.85, please.
12:30Well, sounds fair.
12:31It's, uh,
12:31$20 from you two then
12:32and $10 from me.
12:38And, uh,
12:39how's for you, Trace?
12:40Thanks, Tim.
12:42Thanks.
12:44Thanks.
12:46Okay.
12:47I'm for a piddle.
12:48It's not me long.
12:51I'll, uh,
12:52leave you two
12:53to go and save
12:53a few lives then, eh?
12:56Well, you've got to
12:57economise, haven't you?
12:59What do you do that for?
13:00Arrogant sod.
13:02Do my bit
13:02for the unemployed.
13:03I'd rather be poor
13:05than patronised.
13:06We've got 50p
13:07for six days.
13:10Okay,
13:11perhaps I'd rather
13:11be patronised.
13:13I didn't know
13:13it was going to be
13:14that much.
13:14I thought we'd
13:15split it 50-50.
13:1630 quid?
13:18Need a mortgage
13:19to buy a drink here.
13:21Sorry.
13:22It's all right.
13:23Oh, God.
13:24What?
13:25Well, we're going to have
13:26to admit to Mrs. H
13:27we spent 20 quid tonight.
13:29Hmm.
13:29Do you know something?
13:30What?
13:31We're really
13:32in the billy goats.
13:33LAUGHTER
13:35Lord,
13:59We're really
14:00here's another
14:02second layer not till four o'clock right we could always go to St James's Park feed the ducks
14:13and what about the tube fair or were you thinking of walking oh yeah we could play more Monopoly
14:20are there no activities that are free time-consuming and fun yes but we've already done that
14:26that and Monopoly seem about it on balance I think Monopoly comes a pretty ropey second
14:34right where were we you owe the bank 1,150 pounds ah just the relaxation I need take my mind off the
14:42bills this you can't say this game isn't realistic 350 pounds for Park Lane that's true around there
14:49they probably charge that for a large gin and tonic what we need to modernize Monopoly I mean
14:54where's Brixton on this board hmm I want a chance to buy up the Railton Road then you could mug all
15:01the other players as they go by or you could have a new chance card street repairs your hotel's been
15:08looted or a redevelopment card where all your little green houses get knocked down and they stick up a
15:15little blue tower block all you need is a tube of blue plastic rather like the real thing then every
15:20time you go by instead of paying rent for it you vandalize it or to be really realistic you could
15:27have an homeless version where all the squares have got no blacks or Irish written on them yes you still
15:34owe the bank 1,150 pounds anyway good news what is four o'clock six o'clock you've eaten yours mmm if we're gonna
15:55play silly games at least keep to the rules you still owe the bank 1,150 pounds dear dear dear we are
16:03tetchy today is this what they call postnatal depression is that what you've got no I have
16:08not oh because I think I have I mean as much as I feel honored to have helped in my own small way to
16:14bring Emma into this world I do think we owe her an apology for doing it at this particular time she
16:20really isn't seeing it at its best I did put it to her that she might do better to postpone her coming
16:25out for a couple of years but no she said she didn't think you'd have any of that and having been
16:30there only nine months she didn't have security of tenure Shelley what brings all this on well you're
16:37right you know thanks what about we have changed I can't see myself going back to bed sits with shared
16:44bathrooms shared cockroaches and shared nervous breakdowns washing in the bath boiled eggs in the
16:51kettles I'm fighting off 15 German Buddhists for the use of one outside loo we couldn't go back to
16:57that now I'm not sure I want to well that's it in there perhaps we should put a little wooden name
17:02plaque on the garden gate done dosing when did we share a place with 15 German Buddhists we didn't
17:09just a hypothetical example bloody Dennis I've seen middle age creeping up on you the ghost of
17:16Shelley future oh so that's it well at least as a withered flower child he was armless bit smelly
17:23but armless but now I don't like to say this of anyone to me he looks like a life insurance salesman
17:30and that's a pretty serious allegation only a rung above child molesters and famous conductors doing
17:36colour television ads that come on he wasn't that bad he just wanted some company I think
17:43underneath he's a bit lonely should hope so too mr. european efficiency don't be so rotten anyway he's
17:49not that efficient you better ring him up and tell him he left his briefcase here could bring european
17:55business to a standstill otherwise has he got a phone number phone numbers probably got a fan club
18:00must be in my jacket god I could have murdered him last night oh no oh yes it has to be him den must
18:14have slipped it in your pocket last night the den I wanted to murder hmm on the other hand he does
18:19have his good points how much is there 50 quid when did he put it in there well your jacket was on the
18:27back of your chair remember typical just when you really get to hate someone they have to do something
18:32like this to you some people have no consideration for others god I feel a right burke still at least
18:41we got 50 pounds what we can't keep it say that again we know on second thoughts don't here we are
18:49with enough bills to fill a bathtub sitting here getting on each other's nerves because we haven't
18:54got the money to go out of course we keep it hello mrs h hello how's the economizing don't you start
19:04i've already got fran lusting for blood what again what's that 50 quid but you're broke den put it in
19:12shelly's pocket last night what he's daft that's all i can say still it'll come in handy no doubt
19:20we're sending it back well then you're daft as well my very words mrs h now look this den is in
19:27business yes he is and he pays taxes which go to the government yes he does well think of it as
19:33scrounging only cutting out the middle man mrs h i have never shared the general sentimentality over
19:42little bits of green paper if i walked into a telephone box found a million quid in used fivers i'd
19:48grab it trade fran in for a nearly new miss world contestant who i didn't have to love for her mind
19:53and be off to acapulco like a shot on the other hand who's that you'll have to go to the door to
20:00find out won't you he's never had any trouble taking other people's money before and he still owes
20:10one thousand one hundred and fifty pounds how much i think you'll have to mortgage the electricity
20:16company hello ken we were just talking about you nothing uncomplimentary i hope yes it was actually
20:24come on through oh thanks just dropped in from uh where was it vladivostok on a lulu brussels
20:31dear been sorting out the gnomes of zurich no the landlord look i'm sorry to bother you and i'm not
20:36stopping hello frown mrs h hello it's just i thought i might have left my briefcase here you
20:41did oh great you saved my life thanks dennis ever seen these nothing to do with me oh i suppose the
20:48tooth fairy must have put them there in the night i mean i don't know about you but my tooth fairy
20:53worked at a rate of sixpence per item you'd need a bucket full of molars and a few tusks to make 50
20:58quick be an elephant's graveyard under the pillow i only got throttens i got a penny but i used to
21:06nick them back off me dad and recycle them he got worried after the 60th tooth thought he was
21:13bringing up a shark not far wrong hey oh yeah very good look i think we're wandering off the subject uh
21:21dennis sorry i'm being a bit of a bastard it was very good of you to give us this money we do appreciate
21:26it but we're not keeping it now take it so it is no stop we're not going through all this again
21:33a judgment of solomon if you two can't make up your minds i shall cut every note in two and give you
21:38half each aren't you supposed to do that with babies well he's not having half of emma though i don't know
21:46as long as he takes the end that needs his nappy changing all right then we keep it what we're keeping
21:53it do you want it back no no no fine fine fancy a cup of tea uh no thanks no i i've got to go really
21:59i'll put a cherry in it and call it art salon toddy thanks but i've really got to go where is it this
22:05time then rio tokyo short farm tracy's gonna console me seems she likes victims i wish someone
22:12did it me sooner well if you ever need any help what mrs h is a dab band with the right uppercut
22:19what oh look uh first things first tell me should i put some cold water on it or just uh leave it
22:23alone sorry i haven't a clue well you're the medical orderly yes remember shelley ah yeah yes uh well
22:29with the swollen eye what you do is you fill the sink up with water add a pinch of epsom salts stick your
22:34red in and count to 500 very important that must be at least 500 all right i'll try it look i've got
22:42to go well call around sometime when you're not on duty eh i see and don't leave it three years next
22:48time no i won't well uh cheers friend mrs h bye bye goodbye purse uh aren't you forgetting something
22:56what's that your briefcase oh thanks you'll forget where you're going in a minute yeah where am i
23:01going chalk farm oh yes bye dennis ah happy hmm we got our 50 quid oh yeah what should we do with it
23:15then i don't know put it towards the bills or something you don't sound very keen no shelly
23:22you're gonna kill me but i wish we hadn't kept it oh good because we haven't what i slipped it back in
23:27this briefcase oh right then let's have something to celebrate like what how about three glasses of
23:35english tap water
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