- 05/05/2025
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00:00Piano music
00:30But what do you think?
00:51Not a lot.
00:53No, I know what you mean.
00:54It's past its best.
00:55Lacks bite.
00:56Overwarm.
00:57Too warm, yes.
00:58And subtle flavour.
01:00No body.
01:02Apart from that,
01:03nectar.
01:10God, it's noisy here tonight.
01:13Yes, I knew this place
01:15when you could get a really quiet drink.
01:17That's like the House of Commons.
01:19Hello.
01:20Spot a bother.
01:22Mmm, not good.
01:24I don't like violence, Ned.
01:25Well, no.
01:26I mean, I got this thing
01:28about being physically assaulted.
01:30How do you mean?
01:31I'm a coward.
01:34Ah, we could take him.
01:36Yeah.
01:37Or we could run.
01:38Or we could buy him a drink.
01:40Or we could hold the other one down for him.
01:42But he's a violence-loving,
01:44fascist thug,
01:45everything you hate.
01:46You've got to say one thing for him.
01:48What?
01:49He's big.
01:49So are you, Jim.
01:52Oh, no.
01:52A lot of people make that mistake.
01:54I only look big.
01:55People think I'm big.
01:57Inside, I'm tiny.
01:59We cannot stand by and see this happen.
02:02Try me.
02:04Jim.
02:04Please, God, make it quick.
02:13So how come you got off so lightly?
02:15I ran.
02:16Shelly.
02:17Dicks.
02:19Phoned the police.
02:21Look, this guy was the Incredible Hulk's big brother.
02:23And he enjoyed hitting people.
02:25He was probably Australian.
02:26Surely the landlord had phoned the police.
02:30The landlord was laid out before we got there.
02:33You left Ned there?
02:35Well.
02:36I mean, he's not big, Shelly.
02:37He's wiry.
02:39He's also determined.
02:40He was making things worse.
02:41I saved him from himself.
02:44Look, I'm a coward.
02:45That's it.
02:45I make no secret of it.
02:47If you're being beaten up in a dark alley
02:49and the only passerby is a crippled old lady,
02:51you're out of luck.
02:55Likewise, if it's me.
02:57Only the old lady's probably got a better left hook than I.
03:01Where's Ned now?
03:02Charing Cross Hospital.
03:04Still?
03:04He's all right.
03:05They're just doing some tests.
03:07Every time you go out with that man, something happens.
03:10Yeah.
03:10He's all right, isn't he?
03:12Hmm.
03:13What?
03:14Nothing.
03:16What?
03:17Well, I just don't like him very much.
03:20You never said.
03:22No, well.
03:23Ah.
03:24That's a bit awkward.
03:26What?
03:27I've asked him to be best man.
03:29You did what?
03:31I asked him.
03:32Shelley, I'm not...
03:33Look, he said it's the best thing that's ever happened to him.
03:35He's over the moon.
03:36He can't wait.
03:37I'm not having that man.
03:38Hey, look.
03:39It is my choice.
03:40Groom's best friend.
03:41That's in the rules.
03:42Besides, I need someone on my side to balance your father.
03:45Have you thought what'll happen when my father meets Ned?
03:49He'll have to go into intensive care.
03:53Your dad thinks Keith Joseph's a bit of a lefty.
03:56Ned's a card-carrying member of the WRP.
04:01Shelley, the best man has to give a speech at the reception.
04:04It'll be party political.
04:05He'll pass around pictures of Vanessa Regrape.
04:08He'll call them all comrades.
04:09What will your dad say to Comrade Smith, eh?
04:11Eh?
04:12Vich Vate of Barrington?
04:14I don't find it funny, Shelley.
04:17No.
04:18No, well, I'm sorry.
04:20It's just...
04:21Look, he's my best friend.
04:22He's a great bloke.
04:23I'm sorry you don't like him.
04:24Done a lot for me over the years.
04:28Yes, well, I'll see what I can do.
04:40Can I help you?
04:41Yes, I wondered if I could see Mr. Kelly, Mr. Raymond Kelly.
04:43Oh, it's not visiting time.
04:45Ah, well, you see, I'm an international lorry driver.
04:48And I've only just got in.
04:50I leave tonight for Tehran.
04:51I won't be back for a month.
04:52And you're...
04:53Shelley.
04:54James Shelley.
04:55Are you a relative?
04:55We shared a double desk all the way to O-level.
05:01That must be an exciting job.
05:04Hmm?
05:04Oh, well, you get about, you know.
05:06What are you taking to Tehran?
05:08Taking?
05:09Um, well, it's a pilot load of Drelon yashmacks.
05:15Part of the export drive.
05:17No, really.
05:18Good Lord.
05:20What do you bring back?
05:21From Iran?
05:22Hmm.
05:23Well, tell you the truth, escape political prisoners.
05:26Joking.
05:27No, the yashmacks are just a cover.
05:29I'm a hitman for Amnesty International.
05:32I don't suppose you'd care to make a donation?
05:34Mr. Shelley.
05:35Ah, thanks.
05:36And don't be too long.
05:38Don't worry.
05:38I'm double parked.
05:42Jim.
05:44Hello, mate.
05:45Pull up a drip feed and sit down.
05:46I've, uh, I've donated the liver, Ned.
05:50Oh, Jim, you shouldn't have.
05:52They got it in pathology.
05:54Only, Ned, you look terrible.
05:56Go away.
05:57Straight up.
05:58It's quite an effort to look at you.
05:59Look as if you just died.
06:01How do you feel?
06:03Well, a bit seedy.
06:05This is serious, isn't it?
06:06Well, bloody hell, I'm glad it's not me, mate.
06:09I can tell you.
06:09Just knock it off, Jim.
06:12Hey, calm down, Ned.
06:13Easy now, easy.
06:14Sister said you were not to get excited.
06:17It's quite a bad news, I'm afraid, Ned.
06:19What's that?
06:20Spelt your name wrong on the danger list.
06:22What have they called me?
06:27Dead Kelly?
06:28Now, now, I mustn't talk like that.
06:29You've got hours in front of you, yeah?
06:31They're still trying to contact you next of kin.
06:33Radio 4 are giving you a smashing SOS.
06:36You get top billing with the Nolan sisters
06:37singing Abide With Me in the background.
06:40Listen, Jim, thanks for coming.
06:42You needn't have bothered.
06:43Of course I came, probably my last chance.
06:46Nicely done out, these Terminal Awards, aren't they?
06:48Jim, I want you to do something for me.
06:53So why are you in here, eh?
06:54Worrying Patrick Jenkin after death like this.
06:57You weren't it that hard?
06:58They ran some routine tests.
07:01And?
07:01I failed them all.
07:03Typical.
07:04So what do they say?
07:05They keep asking me how much I drink.
07:07Ah.
07:08Well, I tell them, you know,
07:09round about 11, 12 pints a day.
07:11Well, you have to knock some off, don't you, say?
07:15Exactly.
07:16And apparently,
07:18my lungs have enough tar
07:20to do about a mile of the M1.
07:23Then, they ask me what food I eat.
07:27Well, you don't do that, do you?
07:28Well, this is it.
07:30I told him I never touch this stuff.
07:32It's bad for you, all this obesity.
07:33It's a number one killer.
07:35Got commercials about it.
07:37Then we have the blood test.
07:39I dareden let anything happen to you, Mr. Kelly,
07:41or the shareholders of the Allied breweries
07:43would lynch me.
07:45Ho, ho, ho.
07:46We won't take a lot
07:47because we'd have to pay duty on it.
07:52He sounds terrific.
07:53Yeah, so we have all those jokes.
07:55My car would do 90 to the gallon on this.
07:57This is what I call a real bloody Mary.
07:59We can only take your blood during licensed hours.
08:01I ought to be in a bonded warehouse.
08:05And so are.
08:07So anyway, Jim, this is where you come in.
08:09Well, they don't want my blood, do they?
08:11They want a urine test off me.
08:13People are always taking that out of your neck.
08:18Right, look.
08:19The bottle's here.
08:20I wondered if you'd oblige.
08:22What?
08:25I want to get out of here as soon as possible.
08:28You're kidding.
08:29No, I reckon yours is better than mine.
08:33That's got to be the ultimate inferiority complex.
08:36But they asked me to cut out the drinking.
08:41And?
08:49See?
08:49I'll lose my license.
08:51Well, I'm probably the wrong group.
08:53It's not like that, Jim.
08:55I know.
08:55I'm stalling for time.
08:57Why?
08:57Because I'm horrified by this flouting of authority.
09:00Hospitals aren't authority.
09:02Of course they are.
09:03Look, if I perform for you, it'll confuse their diagnosis.
09:06And maybe you've got some dreadful...
09:08Well, I mean, I'm sure you haven't.
09:09But if you have, they won't find out about it.
09:12Well, that's it.
09:13What is?
09:14I must be ill.
09:15Why?
09:16Well, you try subsisting on draft beer and cigarettes for ten years.
09:21Well, there you are, then.
09:22But I'm not suffering from it.
09:25For if they find it, give it a name,
09:27they'll slap me in an oxygen tent,
09:28have a team of priests standing by on double time.
09:30No, no.
09:31Look, Jim, all I want is half a pint of Jimmy Riddle.
09:37Not much to ask for.
09:39I'll pay you back whenever you want.
09:43Well, you weren't going to do anything special with it, were you?
09:46No.
09:47Jim, I'm your best friend.
09:51We love each other deeply.
09:53We have shared the mysteries behind the bike sheds.
09:56They've had nature not to be discussed with mixed companies.
10:00Yeah, that's just a phase, Ned.
10:01But look, there have been occasions when I have been of some small assistance to you in times of need.
10:06Please.
10:08Give me the bottle.
10:12Well, where do I do the deed?
10:14Eh?
10:14Well, I can't just stand up here, can I?
10:16It's real.
10:16You can do it here.
10:19Close into the bed, no-one will see you.
10:21Fellow, listen.
10:26There's a gents through there.
10:28Okay.
10:28It is a far, far better thing I do.
10:47Mr. Kelly?
10:48Eh?
10:49Oh!
10:50Well done, mate!
10:52Thanks a lot.
10:53Yeah?
10:54Cheers.
10:54The, uh, same game tomorrow?
11:07Great.
11:19Oh, I'll take that, Mr. Shelley.
11:21What?
11:21I'm going to microbiology.
11:23Oh, no, no, no, you see, yes.
11:24I didn't know that's why you were here.
11:26No, no, I came to see Ned, uh, Mr. Kelly.
11:28Oh, two birds with one stone, eh?
11:30Well, jolly good.
11:32Um, do you have your card?
11:34Uh, no.
11:35No, no, no, in fact.
11:36Oh, well.
11:36You knew how many people lose those.
11:39Yes, well, you see, I haven't, actually.
11:40I'll make you out one now.
11:41Now, what's your doctor's name?
11:43Uh, Frobisher, but, uh, this isn't mine.
11:46I beg your pardon?
11:48Um, it isn't mine.
11:49Carrying it round for a friend, eh?
11:53No, no, no, no, you see, um...
11:54Whose is it?
11:56What?
11:56You went in there with it empty.
11:58Now it's, uh, full.
11:59If it isn't yours, what did you do?
12:01Take up a collection?
12:04No, you see, uh, Dr. Frobisher.
12:05Initial?
12:06Uh, L. Lawrence.
12:08Uh, but all it was, slight touch of the old complaint.
12:09His address?
12:10Uh, 56 Lower Camden Road, NW6.
12:14But it was just slight touch of the old complaint.
12:16You know, I think I'll just forget it.
12:17Well, that's not my concern, Mr Shelley.
12:19No, no, no, no, of course not, but, uh...
12:21Your address?
12:22Uh, 14 Pangloss Road, NW6.
12:25But, uh, it's all cleared up now.
12:26I shouldn't have bothered him in the first place.
12:28You know, I think I'll just forget it.
12:29But your doctor has requested a urine test.
12:32Has he?
12:33Oh, I see.
12:36Oh, yes, well, yes, he has, in a way.
12:39Well, I presume he has, Mr Shelley.
12:41You've come all the way from West Hampstead with a specimen bottle,
12:44which you've just filled.
12:45I take it it wasn't just because you were at a bit of a loose end.
12:49No, no.
12:50Has he requested it or not?
12:53Ah, um, yes, yes.
12:55Yes, he asked me, you know, if I'd, um, if I'd, uh, so I did.
12:59Fine.
12:59Well, he should have the results in a couple of days.
13:03Terrific smashing.
13:05Thanks a lot.
13:06Be nice to know, one way or the other.
13:07You know, been a bit worried.
13:08Thanks for your help.
13:09You're welcome.
13:10Are you going back to see Mr Kelly?
13:12Oh, well, if you wouldn't mind.
13:14Yes, well, I wonder if you'd be good enough to, uh, give him this.
13:17He seems to have lost his.
13:20Yes.
13:21Righto.
13:22Oh, uh, Mr Shelley, tell him all we want's half a pint of Jimmy Riddle.
13:28Well, how did she know?
13:50The next bed was screened off.
13:52I thought it was just where they stacked the corpses.
13:56She was there all the time, shaving someone or sharpening the enemas or something.
14:03What did Ned say?
14:05Well, you know, Ned, he took it philosophically.
14:07Swore at me for 15 minutes solid, chucked his tablet bottles at me, and then turned the
14:12archers full on.
14:12So what do they do for him?
14:15Well, they want to change his diet a bit, you know, substitute food for drink.
14:19Get him down to about a pound of tobacco a day.
14:22How do they do that?
14:23Break him in gently.
14:24Whisk an egg into his breakfast pint.
14:27Get him to nibble something after a good smoke.
14:30Why are they so sure he's ill?
14:32Listen, the very fact he's alive at all is a challenge to current medical knowledge.
14:36He's about as active as a comatose slow loris.
14:39He's got chronic anorexia, and there's little bits of blood floating about in his alcohol
14:44spray.
14:47Why didn't he just discharge himself?
14:50Oh, he wouldn't do that.
14:51He wouldn't want to upset them.
14:52No, no, it's a peasant mentality.
14:54Get out, but get out clean.
14:57Shelley, what have you got there?
15:00Roast chicken and two veg.
15:02Quite nice, actually.
15:04You're worried about Ned, aren't you?
15:06What makes you say that?
15:07You ordered mutton to Piazza and pilau rice.
15:19You eavesdropped, Miss Nightingale.
15:21You lied, Mr Shelley.
15:23Yes, in order to see my best friend, with whom I have a personal and close relationship.
15:27Cemented behind the bike sheds, hmm?
15:29In California, we'd have got married.
15:34In California, your urine test would have cost you $30.
15:38Yes, and I'm glad you mentioned that, you see, because I don't actually...
15:40I know.
15:40I phoned Dr Frobisher.
15:42Ah.
15:44If people behaved responsibly, Mr Shelley, the health service would be saved a great deal
15:48of money.
15:49Yes, well, I'd love to stay and chat about your political ideology, but my desk beckons.
15:53Bye.
15:58Jim, I got off with a caution.
16:00Yeah?
16:01Right.
16:03They couldn't pin it on me.
16:04They had some of the best specialists in the country.
16:06One of them was a QC, but they could not make it stick.
16:10Absolute discharge, eh?
16:11Unconditional.
16:12They've got to burn my x-rays.
16:14They got the bloke on the end, though.
16:15Yeah?
16:16Badly beaten up.
16:17Resisting treatment, eh?
16:18Right.
16:19Fell off his bed, I expect.
16:23So what did he get?
16:24Six colonic irrigations without the option.
16:28You know one of the reasons why I like you, Ned?
16:30What's that?
16:31You talk an even bigger load of rubbish than I do.
16:35Ned, um, about you being best man.
16:39Been reading a book on it, eh?
16:41They've got a library they bring round on a trolley.
16:43I ordered it.
16:44Ah, good.
16:45Uh, look.
16:46And my brother says the best man makes it with the bridesmaid.
16:52Pardon?
16:53Who's that going to be, Jim?
16:55Yes, well, I don't think it's actually obligatory, Ned.
16:58You know, more of an option race.
16:59Oh, boy.
17:01I can't wait.
17:02I love weddings.
17:03I've never thought you'd have the full works, you know, Jim.
17:07I think it's really great.
17:08Well, it was in the knack of all that.
17:10I thought we'd all be down the registry office in caftans and dark glasses.
17:14Oh, those days are long gone, Ned.
17:16I fear so.
17:17We shall never see their like again.
17:20Do you know, I saw someone smoking a joint the other day.
17:23Go on.
17:24Makes tears to the eyes.
17:26Oh, well.
17:28Tempest fidgets.
17:29The wheel just turned full circle.
17:31Burton shares are going up.
17:33And we're all back in narrow-legged trousers.
17:36The barber's clippers are being dusted off.
17:38And the shops are full of pointed shoes.
17:40Do you know, I read in the standard the other day that Mick Jagger's going bald.
17:44No.
17:47Fran doesn't want me to be best man, does she?
17:50No.
17:51No, you see, what we have here is an ongoing clash of loyalties situation.
17:55Well, what I reckon is...
17:57Yeah?
17:57You owe me one more go, Captain.
17:59Well, right on, mate.
18:00Right on.
18:01Uh, I won't stay while you get undressed.
18:04People are talking about us enough as it is.
18:06I'll see you outside.
18:08Jim.
18:09Hmm?
18:09I won't make a heavy speech at the wedding.
18:11Never thought you would, mate.
18:12Didn't you?
18:14Yes.
18:14Yes, I did.
18:16Yes, I was lying just then.
18:17I'm getting good at it.
18:18Should have heard me tell that nurse about Tehran.
18:21Eh?
18:21I'll see you outside.
18:23Uh, Miss Nightingale?
18:27My name is Patterson, Mr Shelley.
18:29Mrs Julia Patterson.
18:31Well, don't you think it's just a trifle passe to call nurses Florence Nightingale?
18:36James, how do you do?
18:38I've come to apologise.
18:40I think you do a fantastic job for a scandalous reward.
18:43I'm sorry if I was rude.
18:44It's just that I don't want it getting out.
18:46You know, about the bike sheds.
18:48If I'm ever ill, I'll ask...
18:49If I'm ever ill, I'll ask to be sent here so you can get your own back and I won't need
18:54to feel guilty anymore.
18:55Why are you always so masochistic?
18:56Listen, it was a toss-up between layabout and self-flagellant.
19:00Oh, you're a layabout, are you?
19:01Well, a failed layabout.
19:02Oh.
19:03I got a job.
19:04Oh, I am sorry.
19:05How awful for you.
19:06Well, plenty of disappointments in life.
19:09You're taking it very well.
19:10Thanks.
19:11Lovely dress.
19:15I got it from a little lady in Bond Street.
19:18She's a treasure.
19:19Do you like the matching hat?
19:20Knock out.
19:21Fine.
19:22Ready, Jim?
19:23Great.
19:24Thanks, Jenny, for me, will you, love?
19:25Sure.
19:26And I'll see you tomorrow at the Rosen Crown?
19:28Eight o'clock.
19:31Bye.
19:32Bye.
19:37Goodbye, Mr Shelley.
19:39Send us a card from Tehran.
19:44What's all this Tehran stuff?
19:46She's a married woman, Ned.
19:48They're the best.
19:51There's just no standards today.
19:53You're only jealous.
19:55Result into the truth, eh?
20:02How's the book going?
20:04Dreadful.
20:06Good.
20:06Good.
20:08How's work today?
20:10Ah, well, you know.
20:12Uh-huh.
20:14Fran.
20:16You still want Ned for best man, don't you?
20:20Every time I'm about to say something, someone tells me what it is.
20:24I must have a liquid crystal printout on my forehead.
20:27The proposed terms are as follows.
20:30He will not make a heavy speech at the wedding.
20:31We have absolute power of veto on what he wears and how he plans to behave.
20:35He is to smile with a convincing appearance of warmth at your father on at least three separate occasions.
20:41He will reduce his alcohol intake by 50% over the actual period of the ceremony.
20:47And any descriptions of the functions of his body and or its products is to employ euphemisms or accepted medical terminology.
20:57This, will you excuse me, not I'm dying for a slash, or I find myself out of sympathy with your remarks, not why don't you go and get it.
21:09Yes, yes, yes.
21:10Fine.
21:11That's okay, then.
21:13Do you say that wholeheartedly?
21:15No.
21:17But I'll work at it.
21:20All right, all right.
21:21You're not married yet.
21:23What will you have, squire?
21:24Double dragon, mate.
21:25Hello, Fran.
21:28How are you?
21:30Fine, then.
21:30You?
21:31I think I'll have a scotch egg with mine.
21:34They look really good.
21:35Good idea.
21:36Have they got any of those nice crusty ham rolls?
21:39I'll get you one.
21:40Ned?
21:41Eh?
21:41Fancy something with your pint?
21:43Oh, yeah.
21:44Thanks, Jim.
21:44I'll have a whiskey.
21:49Well, how's our best man, then?
21:52Is that on?
21:53Yep.
21:53Well, he's very well, then.
21:56I gather Shelley abandoned you to the Incredible Hulk.
21:59Yes, well, he had to, Fran.
22:01Why?
22:02He's a coward.
22:05No, no.
22:05If he hadn't called the cops, I wouldn't be here now.
22:08Neither would the pub.
22:09There you go, mate.
22:13Well, here's to married life.
22:19Cheers.
22:20Cheers.
22:23Mmm.
22:24And parenthood.
22:26Blimey.
22:27I never thought of you two as being dynastic.
22:30We're not dynastic.
22:31We're careless.
22:35But you're all glad, though, aren't you?
22:38Aren't you?
22:40Yeah.
22:40Yeah.
22:41Well, you really must try and curb this wild enthusiasm.
22:47It's embarrassing.
22:48No, no, no.
22:48No, it's not that we're not glad or that we are glad.
22:51It's that, well, we're...
22:53We're...
22:54What?
22:55Scared.
22:55I'm not surprised.
22:58If I was in your shoes, I'd be donating specimens all over the place.
23:04It's not something to be entered into lightly.
23:08I mean, there's a long discomfort for you, Fran.
23:11The years have been woken up at all hours.
23:14The constant noise.
23:16All the expense.
23:17And then there's the ever-present fear that you may be doing the wrong thing.
23:21And then...
23:22Yeah, yeah.
23:22Thanks, Ned.
23:23Smash you.
23:24Truth.
23:24Don't bother taking it up to his first suicide attempt.
23:28We'll bust it today.
23:30Shall we talk about something else?
23:32Okay.
23:33You know the bloke that itch, Ned?
23:34Yeah.
23:35I'm not likely to forget.
23:36And he said that if he ever saw either of us again, he'd kill us.
23:39Yeah.
23:40Well, he's just walked in.
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