- 05/05/2025
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TVTranscript
00:00Piano music
00:30Oh knickers, the bloody woman lost her key again.
00:43All right, all right, wait a minute.
00:51Yes?
00:52Ah, good afternoon.
00:53I wonder if I might talk to you about your relationship with the maker of the universe.
00:58Oh my god.
00:59Exactly.
01:00I don't believe it.
01:02That's why I'm here.
01:03No one knows why you're here.
01:05That's the basic riddle of the human condition.
01:08Tell me, what are your beliefs about the universe, life and death?
01:13Well, that's the unknown, mate, if you ask me.
01:15It's something I know very little about.
01:17Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm busy.
01:19Ah.
01:20Ah, and what if our father was busy when we needed him?
01:25I don't know, but if I ever do need to call on him,
01:27I'll first of all make sure he hasn't got his mates coming round for dinner in half an hour.
01:31Now, hop it, mate.
01:33Down that path and don't look back or I'll turn you into a pillar of salt.
01:37Have you ever asked yourself why you're so aggressive, my son?
01:41It's my natural reaction to the plague of Jesus freaks currently visited on West Ham.
01:46Look, in my landlord's house there are many mansions.
01:51Try someone else. Goodbye.
01:56Hello, Mrs Ratcliffe.
01:57I want you.
01:59I feel the same way about you, Mrs Ratcliffe.
02:01But alas, I'm spoken for.
02:03Oh, you wicked, evil woman.
02:05Hello, Mrs Ratcliffe. Hello, Shelley.
02:07Hello, Mrs H.
02:08Ah.
02:09Hello.
02:10You come for all clothes or something?
02:12I've got a job for you.
02:14In here.
02:15What are your beliefs about the universe, life and death?
02:20Well, I'll just have a quick look.
02:22Oh, that woman is at it again.
02:25Trollope!
02:26Pardon?
02:28Mrs Hawkins, carrying on again.
02:31That son of hers isn't his, you know.
02:34Oh, she should be flogged.
02:36Absolutely.
02:37What was it you wanted?
02:38Oh, well, she killed her first husband, you know.
02:42Dear me.
02:44Poison.
02:46Yes.
02:47Look, I don't want to be...
02:48I can't talk about it now.
02:50But time will tell.
02:52I know enough about that woman to hang her ten times over.
02:57Well, that's nice.
02:59What was the job you wanted doing?
03:01Oh, yes.
03:02There it is.
03:04She's loosened all her screws, you know.
03:08Certainly done a good job on you, Mrs Ratcliffe.
03:11Look, I can't fix this now.
03:13I'm afraid I'm a bit busy and I'd need tools.
03:16Ah, well.
03:20My husband's.
03:22He was a master carpenter, you know, before the war.
03:25But don't break them.
03:27They're worth thousands.
03:29Now, this chisel belonged to Chippendale.
03:33Now, as quick as you like.
03:35Because I'm entertaining this evening.
03:38Anyone special?
03:39Napoleon the Pope, Attila the Hun?
03:42Oh, Miss Ashby from 39.
03:45Stupid woman.
03:48You've undone these screws very neatly, Mrs Ratcliffe.
03:51I can handle tools.
03:53I'm not helpless, you know.
03:56Oh, no.
03:57I've been up to the shops today.
03:59Well, they say travel broadens the mind.
04:02Because he's been in prison.
04:04Her husband.
04:06Yes.
04:07So, I gather, er, mass murder, wasn't it?
04:09Oh, worse than that.
04:11Much worse than that.
04:13Dear me.
04:14Yes.
04:15You'd be surprised what people would do to get their names into the papers.
04:19Now, tea?
04:20No, thanks. Not now.
04:21Sugar?
04:22No.
04:23Milk?
04:24Well, all right.
04:25I haven't got a biscuit in my house.
04:26Because he, upstairs, steals them while I'm asleep.
04:29But wait till I catch him.
04:32And I'll poke his eyes out.
04:36Oh, thieves everywhere.
04:40They never should have abolished the cat.
04:44Great mistake.
04:45What would you say for stealing biscuits?
04:46Er, 40 lashes? 50?
04:48I mean, what kind of biscuits were they?
04:50Chocolate digestives.
04:53Chocolate?
04:54Mmm.
04:55Oh, well, I'd say castration was nearer the mark I felt if they were chocolate.
04:59Who sat at the door?
05:01Religious chappy.
05:02Oh, Bible thumper, eh?
05:04That's right.
05:05Psst, psst.
05:07They are all lunatics.
05:11Well, that's something you'd know more about than me, Mrs. Wreck.
05:14If I had my way, I'd lock them all up.
05:18Well, there you are.
05:19I wouldn't recommend sitting on it.
05:21But it should take the weight of a few eye gougers and thumbscrews, all right.
05:25Now, I really must go now.
05:27I've got a band of thieves and rapists coming for supper tonight.
05:31Be careful.
05:33They're out to get you.
05:34I'll watch my step.
05:36They stole my chair, you know.
05:39No, no, no, no, no, love.
05:40We borrowed that for the evening, me and Fran.
05:43You know, the nasty little whore from upstairs?
05:46You said it would be all right.
05:48It's Sheraton, my chair.
05:51No, no, no, no, Mrs. Ratcliffe.
05:52Sheraton did very little work in tubular steel and leather-looking vines.
05:57Now, you'll have it back tomorrow.
05:59And next time you want a good bitch, you just pop upstairs.
06:01Don't bother to dismantle your flat.
06:03Huh?
06:04Now, thanks for the tea.
06:05Don't forget to lock the caddy.
06:06Bye-bye, love.
06:10Yes, well, it's been very interesting.
06:11Thanks for calling.
06:12Only I've got to go now.
06:13It's time for my leg.
06:15Goodbye.
06:16Excuse me, Mrs. A.
06:18Hi, sir.
06:19Someone here would like a word with you.
06:20Said not to let you go.
06:22Here.
06:23The phone rings Mrs. Ratcliffe.
06:25Not at all.
06:26Good luck.
06:27Bye-bye.
06:29Here, what are you up to?
06:31Playing Cupid.
06:41What do you want?
06:43What are your beliefs about the universe, life and death?
06:46The world is filling up with lunatics.
06:55I started talking to myself.
06:56I better watch it.
06:57I really had.
07:03Oh, no.
07:04That's a Scientologist.
07:05I'll serve him with chips.
07:13Wait a minute, can't you bloody well wait?
07:15Oh, wait.
07:16Even my salvation isn't that urgent.
07:20Why?
07:21Why can't you remember your bloody key, eh?
07:24You borrowed it.
07:25You didn't give it back.
07:26Ah.
07:28You little hussy.
07:32Hello, Mrs. Ratcliffe.
07:33Thanks for the chair.
07:36So what did you get?
07:37Frascati and Bordeaux.
07:38Will it be enough?
07:39We've got some sherry.
07:41That stuff Mrs. Goddard gave us.
07:43Chateau Neuf de Brasso.
07:45I've been using it to clean the cutlery.
07:48It's not that bad.
07:49No, I suppose not.
07:50It didn't corrode it that badly.
07:52I'll get it.
07:53It'll be Billy Graham wanting me to build an ark.
07:59Pangloss Road Mental Home.
08:00Napoleon speaking.
08:01Can I help you?
08:02Oh, hello, Mother.
08:03It's me.
08:04It's me speaking.
08:05James, your son.
08:07You may remember we met at the Edward VII Maternity Hospital.
08:12I mean, I know it was a long time ago, but...
08:18No, I haven't got a cold and the line sounds fine to me.
08:21How are you?
08:23I see.
08:27Well, no, if he's going to be my father, I mean, I'd quite like to meet him.
08:33I see.
08:35Look, oddly enough, I've got some news for you.
08:37I don't know if you're interested at all, but I'm getting married.
08:42Fran.
08:43Princess Margaret turned me down.
08:47In church, yes.
08:49My prospective father-in-law's idea.
08:52Seem to be collecting fathers like they're going out of fashion.
08:55How about you?
08:57Jolly good.
08:59Can I come or did you lie about your age?
09:02A bit.
09:07Well, perhaps I could wear short trousers.
09:11Oh, yes, actually, there is something.
09:13When exactly are you getting married?
09:16Uh-huh.
09:17Well, a month before then, you'll be a grandmother.
09:21Yes, Fran again.
09:23I thought it was the ideal arrangement, you know, marrying the mother of my child.
09:28Six weeks.
09:29She's three months gone, as they say.
09:32Yes, well, I would have told you, but you've been a bit hard to track down.
09:36I mean, I don't know the code for Bembecular offhand.
09:39Well, wherever.
09:42What, in the Orkneys?
09:44Well, no, no, no.
09:45I mean, if that's where you want to live, I mean, I'm sure it'll be fine.
09:49Not what I call handy for town, exactly, but still.
09:53How are you getting there?
09:55So high as I've given you a lift, is it?
09:57I see.
10:00Yeah, look, you're in Fulham now, yes?
10:03Yeah, okay, well, I'll phone you tomorrow.
10:04I've got some people coming for dinner and we're a bit behind, as the actress said.
10:09Yeah, yeah, well, I'll phone you tomorrow.
10:12Yeah, okay. Bye-bye, Mum.
10:14Yeah, bye-bye.
10:15I don't care if you've knocked a wall down, Mrs. Ratcliffe, I'm busy.
10:20I don't need you now.
10:23I've got a visitor.
10:25A man of God.
10:27Still here, is he?
10:28Yes.
10:29He's introducing me to my maker.
10:32Jolly good.
10:33See if you can get fixed under guarantee.
10:44Do you manage to do everything?
10:46I think so.
10:47I twitch a bit about having Jeff and Trish here.
10:50They've got such a lovely house.
10:52Lovely? It's a nightmare.
10:54The only people in the world actually living in one of those preposterous wallpaper ads.
10:58Very tasteless, very Jeff and Trish.
11:02Every fragment of their home drenched in matching fabrics.
11:05I bet they've even got William Morris lavatory paper.
11:08You're only jealous.
11:10Oh, I'd like a house, yes, but not like theirs.
11:12I mean, it must cost them a fortune in light aircraft to crop spray their house plants.
11:17Need a machete to get through the hall.
11:19The kitchen's like the Everglades.
11:21I always expect to see David Attenborough loping about behind the fridge.
11:25I suppose they have overdone it a bit.
11:27A bit?
11:29He's even got a window box on the parcel shelf of his car.
11:32What time's Mrs. H coming?
11:34I don't know why you asked that woman.
11:35We couldn't not ask her.
11:37I could.
11:39The only thing I'd ask her to is an all-night Russian roulette party.
11:42Why isn't Willie coming?
11:44He's doing overtime.
11:46He's always doing overtime. He never stops.
11:48Oh, Clive and Miriam will be late.
11:50They've got a posture therapy class.
11:52Posture therapy?
11:54It's preparatory for their meditation course.
11:56God, I do wish those two would cotton on to the fact that we no longer live in pre-imperial India.
12:01Do you think they'll eat our food?
12:03What do you mean?
12:04We'll remember that meal they gave us.
12:06Will I ever forget?
12:08Cattle cake dumplings drifting about in sheet dip.
12:11And that bloody music.
12:14That Indian girl giving breech birth to a sitar.
12:20How are they getting here? On a magic carpet?
12:22Well, thank God Ned's coming. That's all I can say.
12:25Hello, Mrs H. How are you?
12:28I'm very well, thank you.
12:30Is there anything I can do to help?
12:32Very kind of you. No, we're on top of everything.
12:35Oh, right.
12:36Right.
12:37Well, what time shall I come up then?
12:39About half an hour.
12:40Oh, all right.
12:42Yes.
12:44Well, thank you for asking me.
12:47Couldn't have a dinner party without you, Mrs H.
12:49Are you sure there's nothing I can do?
12:51Oh, quite. Everything's in hand.
12:52Oh, all right then.
12:54I'm sorry Willie couldn't make it.
12:56So are we, Mrs H.
12:57Yeah, he's working.
12:58Make a nice change for him?
13:00Yes.
13:01What?
13:03What does he do exactly?
13:05Well, he's got two jobs.
13:06One starts early in the morning and the other he does in the evening.
13:10What does he do at night? Just loafs about, I suppose.
13:13What?
13:14I saw a night watchman's job going in the standard.
13:16Might fit in just nicely.
13:19He works very hard, my will, he does.
13:21Yeah, so Fran was saying.
13:22More than some people I can mention.
13:24Mrs H.
13:25Well, he started it.
13:27Well, I'll see you in half an hour then.
13:29Yes.
13:30Are you sure you can manage?
13:31Yes.
13:32Yes, we are.
13:33Oh, I was only asking.
13:34Ta-ra then.
13:38Where did you see that job advertised?
13:40Go, Mrs H, please go.
13:42All right, I'm sorry, I'm off then.
13:45She would, you know, she'd get him a third job.
13:47It was an Egyptian, Mrs H, they got the pyramids built.
13:52Oh, God, Geoff would just love to see the place like this.
13:55I know what I mean, meaning to ask you.
13:58Is he still knocking off that dancer?
14:00I don't know.
14:02Does Trish know, do you suppose?
14:03Don't think so.
14:05She had a bang with Trevor, you know.
14:07Trevor?
14:08Yeah.
14:09Trevor's gay.
14:10I always thought so.
14:12Apparently he's a bit both ways.
14:14I mean, he and Roger are a couple, aren't they?
14:16Oh, yes.
14:17Do you think Roger knows?
14:19It shouldn't be, sir.
14:21Amazing what couples don't know about each other.
14:24Yeah.
14:26Perhaps Willie isn't doing overtime at all.
14:29Oh, no!
14:31Look, give him a duster.
14:33Tell him it's a housekeeping party.
14:35Keep talking, just try and give me a minute.
14:37Oh, all right.
14:43Oh, no!
14:47Oh, well, I suppose I could smash a window and say we've been burgled.
14:49Hello, Shelley.
14:50Hello.
14:51Hello, Miriam, Clive.
14:52Parked the carpet all right?
14:53Oh, we didn't drive.
14:54We jogged.
14:55Parked the what?
14:56Shelly's in one of his facetious moods.
14:57I never knew him when he wasn't.
14:58Well, we all have to hide behind something.
14:59That beard's coming on very nicely, Clive.
15:00Oh, thanks.
15:01Hey!
15:02Shelley, stop it.
15:03So why are you here early, eh?
15:21Thought you were going to posture therapy.
15:22coming on very nicely Claire. Oh thanks. Shelly stop it. So why are you here early eh?
15:27Thought you were going to posture therapy. The lecturer's off sick. What with a bad
15:31back? Sherry Miriam? Oh do try it Miriam. Windscale 77 unprocessed. A meth drinker
15:42gave it to us. They didn't agree with him. Listen go straight into the wine. The
15:46Tesco claret has an ebullience that's almost impudent. There you go. Thanks.
15:58Sorry about the mess. Actually it's pretty bad isn't it? It's incredible. I don't think I've
16:09ever seen anywhere quite as bad as this. No don't beat about the bush. What do you
16:14think of it? Would you like us to help clear it up? Oh no no. Good idea. I'll go
16:20and borrow the carpet sweeper. No we don't mind Fran. I'll get it. Oh God this is
16:26dreadful. We normally dump the furniture on the bed Clive when we sweep the
16:32carpet. Really? Yeah that's the way we do it once a year without fail. Shouldn't we
16:36make the bed first? Good thinking. Don't you find this a bit uncomfortable? Don't be
16:46silly Clive we take it out at night. Is this a record or a sanding disc? The sleeves are under
16:52the armchair. Here we are. I brought some polish. I knew you needed help but oh no you knew best.
16:59We should have people to dinner more often. The place would be like Buckingham Palace. Hello. Hello Jeff. Hi Trish. Hi.
17:14Got a plant sitter all right then? Don't stop Shelley. How are you? All right. Great. Hello Trish. You two know Clive and Miriam? Yes of course. And Mrs Hawkins. Jeff and Trish. That one's Jeff.
17:26Pleased to meet you. How did you get in? A lady downstairs. Let us in. Wine or a glass of full cream battery acid? Wine please. I thought of you the other day. I was reading this article about house plants. How they grow better if you talk to them.
17:43At Jeff's it be like dressing a mass rally. I've got a good mind not to give you this. What? You're going to find homes for them now then are you? You should get them neutered.
17:56Thanks. It's smashing. Look friend. Oh it's lovely. Thank you. You're welcome. So how are you feeling? Fine. It's three months now isn't it? Yes that's right.
18:05Blimey. Can we imagine these two as parents? I'd rather not. You're going to have just the one do you think? God I don't know. You should have more you know.
18:15Why? Only children grow up write sullen articles. I'm an only child. See what I mean?
18:21So am I. Well the exception proves the rule. You're gallantry already from my friend who comes from a very large family. Average family. My father was a parlour Catholic.
18:32Didn't know you knew he was Jim. Shelley. That'll be Ned. Excuse me.
18:38Did you ring my bell Mrs. Ratcliffe? You're wanted on the phone. The police.
18:47Yeah well don't worry I've got an alibi.
18:50Hello James Shelley here.
18:53Just a sec.
18:55It is the police.
18:57I just told you that.
18:59Yes yes you did. Well you were quite right.
19:03Hello. Yes.
19:05Sorry about that.
19:07Yes okay.
19:09Yeah.
19:10Ned.
19:12Why are you calling from a police station for God's sake.
19:17Oh no you didn't.
19:19You did.
19:22Well were you drunk.
19:23I mean more drunk than usual.
19:25Of course you were.
19:28Yes sorry.
19:30He was definitely a policeman.
19:34He was.
19:35Yes I see.
19:38Well did you hit him that hard?
19:41Oh well that's something.
19:45I don't think you should have called them that Ned.
19:48Look Ned apologize to them all the time.
19:50Be very sorry.
19:51It counts at the trial.
19:52You never know.
19:52They might get off with life.
19:56What about your defense?
19:58Well I think insanity is your best bet.
20:01I mean proving you're a nutcase should be a doddle.
20:04Yeah.
20:04Alright.
20:05Well I hope to see you later.
20:07Keep smiling.
20:07Be humble.
20:09Yeah.
20:09Bye bye now.
20:12You are acquainted with a man whose best friend hits policemen Mrs. Ratcliffe.
20:16That should keep you going for a bit.
20:18Ned will be very late.
20:30Why is that?
20:31He's got a prior engagement.
20:33What?
20:33He's been arrested.
20:36Drunken disorderly.
20:37And assaulting a policeman.
20:39Oh no.
20:39What happened exactly?
20:40His battery went flat.
20:42What?
20:43In his watch.
20:44He's got the alarm permanently set to coincide with licensing hours.
20:49It was hour past three and he was insisting it was 2.45.
20:52He was handing out a lecture on the accuracy of quartz crystals and insisting on being served
20:57when the police arrived.
20:58And he assaulted them?
20:59Well it was only a very slight scuffle.
21:01I mean they wouldn't have pressed that.
21:02But at the critical moment he lost his temper and called them all a lot of...
21:06Well it was a word that would have made Prince Philip blush.
21:10Stupid twit.
21:11So they banged a ball and chain on him.
21:13He's wearing his knees out now trying to get them not to charge him.
21:17But they will let him go.
21:18Oh I should think so.
21:19But we're to start without him.
21:20My God.
21:22Oh.
21:22Hadn't you better look at the food?
21:24The food?
21:25Oh yes.
21:26Actually I think we could start.
21:28I mean I didn't know.
21:52How could you?
21:53Nor did I.
21:55What a gaff.
21:57Well it was their fault.
21:59I mean who'd have thought?
22:00Miriam and Jeff?
22:01Clive obviously didn't.
22:02Or Trish.
22:06My God.
22:07What's the matter with him?
22:08Seems to be spreading himself about like Frank Harris.
22:13What a row.
22:14How ill-mannered.
22:16I'll try and stick that vase.
22:17Oh it doesn't matter.
22:18I mean.
22:19I mean.
22:22Pouring all that gravy over.
22:25I worked hours on that.
22:26It was delicious.
22:27Stiff with liqueurs.
22:28He's got the world's most expensive stain down his front.
22:32I mean he could serve that shirt at Maxim's.
22:35Well the food was wonderful.
22:37Wasn't it good?
22:38Pretty we didn't make it to the pudding.
22:39Do you think we'll ever see them again?
22:48Shouldn't think they'll survive the night.
22:51I mean.
22:52Miriam?
22:55I thought she was more faithful than Trigger.
22:59I wish Ned had shut up.
23:01Well all he was trying to do was laugh it off.
23:03Well I don't think saying everyone does it these days and winking lecherously at Trish
23:08was over helpful quite frankly.
23:10Oh no.
23:11He'll never make it as a diplomat.
23:13He drops more bricks than a hod carrier with servitus dance.
23:16I've come for a chat.
23:22Like you said.
23:24You're more than welcome Mrs Ratcliffe.
23:26I could do with a bit of sane conversation.
23:28Sit yourself down.
23:30I've brought my friend.
23:32Gerald.
23:34Renamed Zachariah.
23:38Zachariah?
23:40Hi Zach.
23:41Take a pew.
23:43Fran this is Zachariah.
23:44He's into the universe, life and death.
23:47Zachariah, Sister Frances.
23:49How do you do?
23:50Hello.
23:51You can introduce me to my maker now.
23:53I think I could tell him where he's been going wrong.
23:57Have you eaten?
23:58Oh we had chocolate biscuits and tea.
24:01Chocolate biscuits?
24:03You have been getting on well.
24:05Look.
24:06There's some casserole left, an untouched pudding, coffee and cheese.
24:09Why don't you stay and have a dinner party with us?
24:11We've been trying to have one all night.
24:13Oh that's very generous of you.
24:15Not at all.
24:16We'll have a ball.
24:17And what's more, I've got a special treat for us all.
24:20What's that?
24:22Nice drop of sherry.
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