- 05/05/2025
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TVTranscript
00:00Yeah, yeah, hang on.
00:30Hello? Yes? No, I've been up ages. No, no, he hasn't turned up yet. Still celebrating his
00:46last night as Lord Nelson, I suppose. Oh, yes, I think he enjoyed it. I mean, he went on
00:52about dressing up, but I think he quite fancied himself in the uniform. Well, I'm glad it was
00:57a success. Oh, yes, that would be smashing. No, I'm sure he'll be free. OK, super. Nine
01:06o'clock, then. Great. Bye. Oh, where's his lordship, then? Don't know, Mrs H. Why is
01:15he getting all these letters? He's trying to find a job. What's he looking for? The one
01:19with no work involved? That's right, Mrs H. Thought so. Yes, Mrs Hawkins, he has been
01:27out all night. I don't know where he is or when he'll be back. That's nothing to do
01:31with me. Anyway, you've always got one consolation. What's that? He won't be with a woman. No woman
01:37to be interested in a dead loss like him. Morning. Already? Afraid so.
01:54.
01:58.
02:11.
02:14.
02:20.
02:21.
02:22Dian...
02:39Diana?
02:42Who is Diana?
02:44What?
02:46My name's Angie.
02:49Angie, yes, that's right.
02:50Yes, I know, I meant Angie.
02:52I just, er...
02:53The postcard was a present from Lawrence.
02:56You may have noticed that very few people use Edwardian stamps these days.
03:01Ah.
03:02Yes, yes, of course.
03:05James Shelley, how'd you do?
03:10I, er, I just forgot for the moment.
03:12It's, er...
03:13A very pretty card.
03:17Did we...?
03:18No.
03:20Charming.
03:21Oh, no, no, I didn't mean...
03:22Don't bother.
03:23I mean, I'm sure you're a very good...
03:25Very good.
03:27Well, you seemed quite keen on the idea last night.
03:31Yes, I remember.
03:31I'm sorry.
03:33Oh, it's all right.
03:34It's just I feel a bit...
03:35Oh, you know.
03:37When nothing happens.
03:38Oh, it's the height of bad manners.
03:39I...
03:39I do apologise.
03:42It's just that, er...
03:43Well, I wouldn't have, er, in the first place if I hadn't been a bit legless.
03:46Oh.
03:48I've had a few things said to me, but no man has actually ever said he'd have to get drunk to come to bed with me.
03:54I got a bad attack of foot and mouth this morning.
03:57Oh, it's all right.
04:00I don't suppose you remember much about last night.
04:02I remember everything about last night.
04:04In 70mm and Eastman colour.
04:07Really, I'm sorry.
04:08I just, er, don't go in for this extracurricular stuff.
04:11What?
04:12I mean, I never sleep with anyone except Fran.
04:15I'm completely faithful.
04:16Are you really?
04:17Totally.
04:18I mean, I try and keep it from her, but, er, that's the way it is.
04:22That's really nice.
04:23Oh, no, it's just guilt.
04:25Ah, you're into guilt, are you?
04:26Black belt and bar.
04:28It was inculcated at an early age by experts.
04:31Who were they?
04:32The usual crowd.
04:33In my case, a Miss Ellis was prominent amongst them.
04:36Who was Miss Ellis?
04:37Teacher of Standard One.
04:39She suffered from terminal stupidity.
04:42And an overriding belief, then very prevalent, that we weren't here to enjoy ourselves.
04:47What did she teach?
04:48The allocation of blame was her speciality.
04:51Everything that happened, whatever it was, was somebody's fault.
04:54Usually mine.
04:55So she filled you up with guilt?
04:57Well, they put it in the Fair Ex.
04:59Mind you, I registered a protest.
05:01What did you do?
05:02I got into phantom leaking.
05:04What?
05:07I'd do it anywhere except the loo.
05:09All over the loo.
05:12I mean, most kids are into urinating, but I was the champ.
05:15Up with a short trouser leg and out with a succinct comment on the educational system.
05:20Didn't they catch you?
05:21I told them Jeremy Hargreaves, did he?
05:24See, Jeremy was more absent-minded about his functions than I, and confronted with a puddle,
05:28he'd always accept ownership with a nonchalance I envied.
05:32He was very much taken advantage of, not just by me.
05:36After a while, he became the star of the local kidney unit.
05:40Student urinologist travelled miles to inspect his genitourinary apparatus.
05:46Poor kid.
05:48Not at all, he developed a taste for it.
05:51He's a pornographic film style now.
05:55What were you protesting at?
05:56The waste of my childhood.
05:58Not the best years of your life, but unique and squandered and made miserable by teachers.
06:04You don't like teachers much, do you?
06:06Oh, there are worse people than teachers.
06:08I've never met any, but...
06:10You're a teacher, aren't you?
06:16Yes.
06:20Not an awful lot of point in apologising, really.
06:23No.
06:23No.
06:24I mean, I didn't leave too many escape routes.
06:26No.
06:27What an absolutely smashing start I'd made to the day.
06:30You don't think you might be using rather a small sample on which to base your findings?
06:35Oh, of course I am.
06:36Probably got it all wrong.
06:37Oh, don't take it back, I enjoyed it.
06:39Ah.
06:39I mean, I'd rather you didn't wet the bed.
06:42Ah.
06:44And don't worry about the other thing.
06:47Serves me right, I was only using you.
06:49What?
06:50I'd had a row with Lawrence before he left last night.
06:53Ah.
06:54It was just getting back at him.
06:56Good God, I really am old-fashioned.
06:59Not at all.
07:00Oh, you haven't forgotten you're seeing him today, about the advertising job?
07:03No.
07:04Perhaps we'd best not tell him about last night.
07:07Well, I hadn't planned on sending a telegram.
07:09Oh.
07:12Oh.
07:13Is something wrong?
07:14Nothing that an aspirin and a bit of brain surgery won't put right.
07:17Oh, my God, I left my clothes in the pub.
07:25Nelson.
07:26The Nelson gear is there.
07:28I can't go home dressed as Lord Nelson.
07:30You came here like it.
07:33Drunk and in the dark.
07:34What we had now is a daylight situation.
07:37What the bloody hell am I going to wear?
07:40I've got a nice little Laura Ashley you can borrow.
07:42Uh, advertiser, guardian and, uh, time out, please.
07:5857, sir.
08:03Hey, you lot, keep away from those. You're not old enough of that yet.
08:09Well, they must be, if they're interested.
08:13Look here, it says not for sale to minors. That's all I know.
08:18But she's a minor. Look, she's a schoolgirl.
08:22She's no schoolgirl.
08:24She must be. She's being spanked here.
08:26Look, all I know is I'm not allowed to sell these to kids.
08:35Oi, next time they try and beat you at school, tell them you're not old enough.
08:39Go on, be your age. Buy a nice war comic.
08:43Just a minute, can they buy newspapers?
08:47Newspapers don't have what they've got.
08:49Oh, I know what you mean, but there's much worse in there.
08:53Really?
08:56Good God.
09:04I never used to do that in health and efficiency.
09:08See, that would never have occurred to me.
09:11You see, it's disgusting.
09:12Quite right. Instant inferiority complex.
09:21Oh, er, excuse me.
09:24Yeah?
09:24Does this place come under the milk marketing board?
09:35Hello, Shelly.
09:37Pint?
09:37No, no, no.
09:39Soda water.
09:40I'm not surprised after last night.
09:43What time did you get back?
09:45Not been back.
09:46What, you been out all night?
09:49Yeah.
09:50Where have you been?
09:52Angie's.
09:53Oh, Shelly, you didn't.
09:55No, I didn't.
09:59Well, what's Fran going to say?
10:01I will have a pint.
10:03Pour it gently.
10:05Honestly, you two are getting like an old married couple.
10:08Yeah, about to become an old divorce couple.
10:11No, it'll blow over.
10:13Like Hurricane Flora.
10:17My God.
10:19That stuff's a miracle of modern technology.
10:22Yeah, it is nice.
10:24It looks exactly like a pint of beer.
10:28What?
10:29It tastes like tea and liver salts.
10:32Still, I suppose the Inverbore grass beaters would blow their stacks over it.
10:36You sorry it's over, Shelly?
10:39Playing Nelson here?
10:40Yeah.
10:41Quite enjoyed it, really.
10:42Wasn't a bad stunt.
10:44Glad I quit before Trafalgar, though.
10:47What are you going to do now?
10:48I think I'll go to the interview before I see Fran.
10:52No, I mean for a living.
10:54Well, I think I'm going to get the job, you see, so I'll have good news.
10:58What job?
10:59The one I'm being interviewed for.
11:01Clothes are my problem.
11:05God, it's amazing you can get this stuff off prescription.
11:14Ah, good morning, Mrs. H.
11:15Mrs. H., could I use your loo?
11:19Well, I'll say one thing for you.
11:20You've got guts.
11:21Thank you, Mrs. H.
11:22If I was you, I wouldn't have dared to come back.
11:25Mrs. H., I need your help.
11:26She's up there with a meat cleaver.
11:28I said I'd hold you down.
11:30I do not want to use the loo upstairs, you see,
11:32because I don't want Fran to see me yet.
11:34That's why I need your help.
11:36I wouldn't help you to an ant's egg if you were starving to death.
11:42Mrs. H., your hall carpet is in imminent danger
11:45of acquiring a stained character.
11:49I'll risk it.
11:52If you'll help me, I'll pay the rent.
11:54What, all of it?
11:55Yeah.
11:56Done.
12:07Where is it?
12:08Out the back.
12:09You have to pull the chain twice.
12:10What's going on?
12:18He's back.
12:20Where is he?
12:21He's in my loo.
12:22He didn't want to see you.
12:23What?
12:23He wanted me to help him.
12:25Help him do what?
12:26Or get you out of the way, I think.
12:28He's up to something.
12:29Mrs. H., now.
12:39Ah.
12:41Hello.
12:44I've dropped you in it, mate.
12:46I've always thought of myself as pretty immoral, Mrs. H.
12:51Next to you, I'm Moses the lawgiver.
12:55Well, it's time for you to go up Mount Sinai.
12:58And if she's got two tablets of stone, God help you.
13:01I've got two tablets of stone, I've got two tablets of stone.
13:31Look, I'm sorry about last night.
13:37It's all right.
13:39I didn't expect you back after Trafalgar anyway.
13:45Well done, by the way.
13:46Got drunk.
13:48Shelley, you know you can't hold your drink.
13:50Well, everyone kept buying me drinks.
13:51Well done at Trafalgar, they say.
13:55Have one on me, Admiral.
13:56Where do you sleep?
14:01Sorry about the arm, mate.
14:03Shelley.
14:06Look, it's not what it sounds.
14:08What's not?
14:09I slept with a girl called Diana.
14:11Angie, I mean.
14:12Her name is Angie.
14:15I see.
14:16Look, Fran, it's not what...
14:17Can you help me make this bloody bed?
14:19Yes, sorry.
14:20I mean, I know you're not responsible for messing it up in any way.
14:23I occupied her bed all night, but intimacy did not take place.
14:27What?
14:28We didn't.
14:29Oh, come on.
14:30We didn't, really.
14:31Scout's honour.
14:32Why not?
14:33You turning puffy?
14:35Fran.
14:37You just fancied a bit on the side, Shelley, like everyone else.
14:40Don't be so grand.
14:41I did not.
14:42I did not fancy it.
14:43It was a mistake, a drunken aberration.
14:46I don't want anyone else.
14:48Don't you?
14:49Well, yeah, sometimes, but I feel too guilty to do.
14:55I wish you'd lie to me sometimes, like any normal man.
14:57I don't want to lie to you.
15:01Look, I really am sorry about last night.
15:05You know, sorry.
15:06That's when you say forget it.
15:08And we have close physical contact, and the bond between us is further strengthened.
15:13Stop it, Shelley.
15:18Come on, I haven't had it all night.
15:21Says you.
15:22I have not.
15:29Well, not a good one, anyway.
15:33You bastard.
15:35You slut.
15:44You cow.
15:45You vicious bitch.
15:47Typical bloody woman.
15:49Always resort to violence, and you always hit me there.
15:52Well, where else?
15:53Just because you wish you had one.
15:57Don't give me that sub-froid of rubbish.
16:00What rubbish would you like?
16:01That really bloody hurt.
16:06Yeah, well, you hurt me.
16:08I know, I'm sorry.
16:09Well, act bloody responsibly in future.
16:11Look, nothing happened.
16:11I know nothing happened.
16:13I believe you.
16:14You're too pathetic to do it properly.
16:16That's not the point.
16:18No.
16:20Well, it won't happen again.
16:23I should bloody hope not.
16:24Is it over now?
16:33I suppose so.
16:36Are you really faithful to me, Shelley?
16:39Well...
16:39What?
16:40I'm having an affair with Mrs. Hawkins, actually.
16:44No, you're not.
16:45She thinks you're a dead loss, she told me.
16:46How do you think she found out?
16:48Oh, er...
16:53By the way, I paid the rent.
16:56What, all of it?
16:58Yeah.
16:59Blimey.
16:59Well, I thought it only right.
17:01What?
17:02The lying old bag cheated me out of it.
17:10How's my child?
17:12How do you know it's yours?
17:13I remember making it.
17:16Do you?
17:16Yeah, of course I do.
17:18It was the autumn one.
17:23Lawrence phoned.
17:24We're going to a restaurant tonight with his boss.
17:26What exactly do they do?
17:27Advertising agency.
17:28You know, sell things.
17:30Cigars, toilet paper, the Tory party.
17:33Lawrence arranged the Nelson stunt in the pub.
17:36Aren't you seeing him today?
17:37Yeah, after the final interview.
17:39It's in the bag, I think.
17:40Must remember to take this work for him.
17:42Why do we have a copy of this month's Teacher's Pet?
17:46Oh, I, uh, must have picked it up by mistake.
17:51There's not a jury in the world who'll believe that.
17:58That's what those things are for.
17:59Who's Diana?
18:06Diana?
18:08Diana Appleby.
18:09Who is she?
18:10I don't know, but a friend of hers was in Margate in 1906.
18:16Well, here we are.
18:17Thank you, Lawrence.
18:20They're going to offer it to you.
18:22They were very impressed to say they should be.
18:23You've got an amazing academic record.
18:25I didn't know there was an O-level in sea navigation.
18:30Oh, could you, would you let me have your work again?
18:32Someone else wants to have a look at it.
18:33Yeah, sure.
18:36There.
18:36Well, cheers.
18:40Cheers.
18:43I'm glad you're into beer.
18:45This will be your first account.
18:47What?
18:48Sales are declining.
18:49I don't know why.
18:50I do.
18:52Oh, my goodness, what I thought.
18:54And we got the account, so I thought you'd be the ideal man.
18:57Do you mean to say that my first job would be to get as many people as possible to drink this?
19:01That's it.
19:05Mind you, I can't understand what you guys see in this stuff.
19:08I think it's foul, quite frankly.
19:11Looking forward to tonight?
19:12Sure.
19:14It's a good restaurant.
19:14We should have a nice evening.
19:17Do you ever brew your own beer?
19:19No.
19:21But a chap called Jeremy Hargreaves and I used to make a lot of this at one time.
19:24But there's one thing for sure.
19:30You can pay your rent on time from now on.
19:33In advance.
19:34And we'll put it up a bit.
19:36What?
19:36Oh, and here.
19:37New lock for the meter.
19:39Replace the one I broke.
19:43What are you up to?
19:44Just giving in to a rational guilt, Mrs H.
19:47Something I've had to learn to live with.
19:50I do fancy you, you know.
19:53Eh?
19:53Only I'm just not an outgoing individual.
19:56Doesn't mean I don't, er, lust after the fruits of your body.
20:02Dirty sod.
20:05You've found out.
20:07Theo, what you doing?
20:08What do you think I'm doing, Mrs H?
20:10Or, er, may I call you Beryl?
20:12My name's Edna.
20:14Olden wonder.
20:15What a lovely name.
20:17Edna.
20:18Mrs H?
20:18Look, Mrs Hawkins to you.
20:20Here, what would your friend say?
20:22Oh, I've, er, I've cleared it with Fran.
20:24Edna.
20:25Mrs Hawkins?
20:27Well, what about if it was my Willie and your Fran, eh?
20:32Has that been cleared, eh?
20:34Oh, you know about that?
20:36Good.
20:40Now about what?
20:41There's nothing going on between Willie and Fran?
20:44It couldn't be.
20:49I'll get it.
20:55You've come just in time.
20:57He's an animal.
20:58Oh, hello.
21:00Are you Mrs Shelley?
21:01What?
21:02I thought you might be Shelley's mother.
21:06He hasn't got a mother.
21:07He came in on a meteor and they can't find the antidote.
21:10That's the worst scotch I've ever drunk.
21:17Well, I'm not entirely surprised.
21:19It was, in fact, my creme de cacao.
21:22So?
21:23You're drunk?
21:24Thank God.
21:26Thought I wasn't going to make it for a while.
21:29Oh, oh.
21:33Well, Shelley, look forward to having you on board.
21:36Well, your work was first class.
21:38Oh, yes, by the way, I meant to mention there was a magazine in with it.
21:47Oh, yes, yes, yes.
21:48I must have picked it up by mistake.
21:50It was full of naked men and women, up to the most extraordinary things.
21:55Lucky them.
21:58There was one man in it.
22:00I mean, well, it really was quite extraordinary.
22:06I wouldn't have believed it possible, quite frankly.
22:08Oh, I'd say that was Jeremy Hargreaves.
22:11How do you know about Jeremy?
22:14Oh, yes.
22:15Jeremy who?
22:17Did you get Miss Ellis and the phantom leaking?
22:20Yes.
22:21He covered the ground, then.
22:22How about Miss Clark and the sex instruction?
22:25No.
22:25No, no, I think I missed that.
22:27Oh.
22:27Well, I'll pop round sometime, it won't take a while.
22:30It was very good, actually.
22:32Sorry.
22:33You see, I was talking about this sex thing.
22:36That's all you ever do.
22:37Talk about it.
22:42You're drunk, Geraldine.
22:45Yes, well, I think it's past the waiter's bedtime, actually.
22:49Oh, yes, yes.
22:50I suppose it's time we were going.
22:51Well, Shelley, I look forward to starting on the beer with you, eh?
22:56What?
22:56Oh, yes, yes, yes.
22:58Mind you, not all our products are as good as that one.
23:01I'm afraid sometimes we do have to sell the most awful rubbish.
23:07Still, that's the name of the game, isn't it?
23:09I don't talk about selling fridges to Eskimos.
23:12We have to sell lousy fridges to Eskimos.
23:17These napkins are dreadful.
23:20Actually, that was the bill.
23:21Look, I really am sorry about last night.
23:39It's all right.
23:41I quite liked her, actually.
23:43Have you thought about what we're going to call it?
23:45Well, it won't be Cyril.
23:48Or Geraldine.
23:50You could do another job.
23:52No, no point.
23:53Well, I won't live with a martyr.
23:55No, no, no.
23:57What's wrong?
24:00Well.
24:02What?
24:04Something I want to know.
24:05Will you tell me it's true?
24:10Of course.
24:12Promise?
24:14Yes, of course.
24:15Now, what is it, for God's sake?
24:17Are you having an affair with Mr. Hawkins?
24:19Yes, ma'am.
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