- 15/05/2025
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00:00You
00:30so my very first english soccer match and already i'm puzzled why is it those guys in the terraces
00:51keep singing here we go here we go here we go and yet they never go anywhere they just stand in the
00:58same place singing about going and and the words i mean i mean it's just basically the same three
01:04words repeated endlessly i mean it's not exactly difficult is it i'll be fair phil here we and go
01:09are the three longest words they know that song is a perpetual intellectual challenge for them just
01:16like doing up their shoelaces is oh for god's sake control the bloody thing you paraplegic donkey
01:21i'll tell you this seems absolute rubbish 39 years i've been watching these clowns i'm not coming
01:30anymore me neither never again now this is the traditional i'm not coming anymore ritual it's
01:36an essential part of the cultural experience together with the group bonding cries of do you
01:41know how much they get paid a week and sack the manager ah now a free kick you see they're forming
01:48a defensive wall to protect the goal that's not all they're protecting well it's one of the laws of
01:55physical immutable motion isn't it i mean a ball when propelled will always collide with your testicle
02:01isaac newton discovered it playing tennis do you know how much they get paid a week 800 pounds plus a
02:11sponsored volvo i got 60 when i were playing did you play for a professional football club then i played for
02:17fulham close enough i played alongside jimmy hill in the 50s it were purgatory every time you played a
02:26bad pass he bloody analyze it talk talk talk that bearded chin of his he'd be waggling up and down
02:32like a demented badger the whole game long who's jimmy hill in this case phil ignorance is bliss
02:38i marked jimmy greaves once really yeah just above the knee it was
02:47what's he doing he's very wittily pointing out that one of the players is black
02:54look i realize that as a gorilla you have to practice your grunting noises but do you think
03:00you could go back to the zoo and do it only we're trying to watch the game
03:03here did you call me a gorilla i'm sorry i take it back i didn't mean to be insulting right to
03:12gorillas you're dead no i'm just a bit tired but thank you for your diagnosis doctor go on dean have
03:20him that's a fine tattoo on your neck the hate squad yeah very nifty yeah yeah it looks as though it's
03:28turning a bit septic though hey his skin looks a little yellow around the edges that could be in
03:33septicemia blood poisoning and once a poison reaches your heart it's it's curtains
03:43dean you're gonna have him or not leave me alone i'm not well
03:47get good to see the heritage of oscar wilde lives on in the youth of today hey shelley what's going
04:04on in there no it's one of those corporate hospitality numbers looks kind of warm and
04:09welcoming doesn't it it's a mirage phil you know the sort that go to those dudes vacuous empty types
04:16who's prattle on like graham yes just like graham graham's in there see
04:24well what do you know he's inviting us in let's let's go now he'll be full of dreadful
04:29freeloaders let's stay here watch the game it'll pick up in a minute you'll see i don't believe it
04:34he's fell over the ball now this one's got nil nil written all over it
04:38you're right let's go oh no i can't stand much more of this
04:50are you sure it's okay for us to be in here graham don't worry this place is full
04:54of dreadful freeloaders i'm only here with carol carol's here hang on i'll get her
05:06oh my god what the hell is he doing here he was outside with phil i invited them in well
05:14uninvite them this function is private and leave that dip alone oh come on carol i don't see why you're
05:22so upset by my being here after all i'm of no real significance as you yourself have frequently
05:27pointed out to me i don't want you here because over there is one sir clive bastin who is a
05:34millionaire developer and who is about to develop a prime site building 25 luxury town flats and he's
05:40thinking of employing me as his estate agent that means serious profits with at least five noughts in
05:46that means a porsche and probably that villa in tuscany i've had my eye on now i've got him in a
05:51very good mood and he'll stay in a good mood provided he doesn't meet some irritating smart ass pinko
05:57who likes annoying rich people i see well i can see this deal obviously means a lot to you carol so in
06:05that case i'll um stay i could have you thrown out there'd be a very ugly scene i'd be sick over the
06:13carpet james perhaps i can appeal to you on a more personal level i want you to know that if you so
06:22much as address one word to sir clive i know i know you'll put my rent up no no no i wouldn't dream of
06:28putting your rent up oh good i'll evict you is that clear where's phil you said he was with phil
06:36phil was here a moment ago well he's over there talking to that woman oh no get him away from
06:40there that's the clive's wife shelly get him i don't want phil to screw the clive's wife
06:48it's too late now he's got the scent
06:51you see once phil senses a beautiful married woman in the room he has to pounce i mean
06:58it's instinct he can't help himself you see in his mind he's a vulture she's a dying wildebeest
07:04all right if he so much as lays a finger on her you become a homeless statistic all right i'll do
07:12what i can and do you find the age gap between you and your husband a problem hello phil hi james
07:19this is maria maria james shelley hello phil the game's really hotting up come and have a look
07:24what the match it's a free kick come and see don't be silly james would you like a drink maria
07:31thank you vodka and tonic james white wine please so what line are you in mr shelley well my main area
07:40of operation is furniture really yes i'm probably the country's leading expert on sofas look um i know
07:48it's none of my business but i feel i should warn you about phil you see well when he sees a beautiful
07:55woman he immediately ah yes i i think i know what you mean he's one of those very insecure types of
08:01men who's always trying to prove himself with sexual conquest and he never really values a woman for
08:04anything more than physical gratification that's him two or two i know doesn't stop him being rather
08:12cute though hello maria making lots of friends i see clive uh this is mr shelley he's himself is that
08:21right i made my first million in sofas but i had the sense to get out before everyone started insisting
08:27on making furniture safe once you take the flammability out of furniture you take out the
08:32profit margin that's what i told my shareholders and they backed me to a man diversify diversify
08:38or die everything all right sir clive oh yes sweetie i was just telling this chap about the need to
08:43diversify well you've always been a very skilled reader of the market sir clive i'm often quoting
08:49you as an example of a businessman who shapes market trends rather than merely responds to them is that so
08:55oh yes i mean only last tuesday she said to me sir clive bastin is a man who shapes market trends
09:01rather than merely responsible so you two know each other we're neighbors how's your laryngitis he's
09:07had a throat infection the doctor told him he shouldn't speak but if sir clive talks to me it would
09:13be impolite not to reply wouldn't it carol maria and james hello carol clive this is phil hi you know
09:22you have a beautiful wife for clive how are the kids phil oh they're fine thank you ah sounds like
09:31a goal phil oh no a penalty to the home team what's happening penalty who's taking it the paraplegic
09:38donkey sorry he'll score 300 pounds says he'll score you're on 300 pounds says he'll miss i love a gamble
09:48he missed you owe me 300 pounds he missed well he missed the goal yes but he did hit the police video
09:56camera your name graham tapscott tapscott he's my husband for now i'm gonna sell that bloody center
10:08forward of course i knew that name rang a bell sir clive basting you bought this club last month right
10:16and the first thing i'm doing is selling that center forward we'll buy him bray bentos
10:22does the manager have views on you selling his center forward he'd better not have i'm gonna
10:26rejuvenate this place you see i've got a dream for this club a glorious dream i want us to be up there
10:33with the liverpools and manchester united's the arsenals a force to be reckoned with performing in front of
10:37huge crowds for major prizes i'll do it all right i've given myself a deadline i'm going to turn this club
10:44into a footballing superpower within five years that's all that's my dream all that within five
10:50years and if you don't achieve it i'll knock the stadium down build a supermarket
10:55so the prime minister turns to me and she says clive she says because she calls me clive what would
11:23you do about the middle east well margaret i said because i call her margaret if i was you i'd bang their
11:32bloody heads together i don't think i can take much more of this i know i promised carol i'd keep
11:38shtum but this man's impossible he combines the charm of michael winner with the modesty of jeffrey
11:45archer and the intelligence of vinnie jones you take south africa for example oh no he's on to south
11:54africa now you see the trouble with the blacks is here it comes i hate apartheid as much as the next
12:00man now don't get me wrong i hate apartheid as much as the next man i think i almost preferred that
12:07bloke making gorilla noises he may have been a moron but at least he was open about it no wonder she
12:15drinks phil's still after her even if she is blotto god he's a degenerate i don't call me old-fashioned
12:23but i always feel sex is more meaningful if the woman is conscious
12:27don't you think so oh god i wasn't listening just not shelly i can see that we speak the same
12:37language would you excuse me for a second right time to be off where you often anywhere seems to
12:45like you i don't think he thinks much of me though well it's hardly surprising is it what did you bet on
12:52that second penalty for i was trying to let him win to please carol that's why i bet on the center
12:57forward scoring after his first effort thought there was no way it hit the goal but he did didn't
13:01he smashed it past the keeper like roy of the rovers used to anyway carol's furious with me when we
13:07get home she says she's going to set fire to my wang where is carol anyway she's over there
13:14pretending to laugh at sir clive's jokes and gritting her teeth every time he pats her on the bottom and
13:19calls her sweetie oh she'd stop doing that yes well while he's got his mind on lower things i'm off
13:25james you're not going things are just getting interesting i hope you know what you're doing
13:30you're chatting up the wife of a very powerful man but he's very poor in bed apparently
13:36how'd you know that i told him i like to tell humiliating stories about clive it's the devil in me
13:43it's the half a bottle of vodka in you anyway i'd love to stay but i'm so mr shelley where were we
13:50oh god please take me now oh yes i remember i was just saying that we were oh would you believe it
13:58that other lot have scored again i mean it's obvious what's wrong with this team they're dull
14:03unimaginative and lacking in penetration sounds impressingly familiar
14:07that manager's useless he'll have to go he's had all of five weeks excuse me jenny give me the
14:16mobile phone i want to work with the manager look i know it's none of my business but um
14:23i'd like to ask you this because it's been bothering me now you are a beautiful desirable woman
14:29who could have a pick of men why pick him he caught me on the rebound from someone else
14:37he was flattering showered me with gifts made me feel safe but once we were married i knew i'd
14:44made a mistake and now i don't know if i've got the guts to do the sensible thing get a divorce no
14:50cut the brake cables on his car i told him i want to see him and i off his first thing monday morning
14:56i didn't want to be too insensitive i'll break it to him after i've told the press now where were
15:01we uh you must excuse me clive i've just seen a very interesting piece of wallpaper okay sweetie
15:07the classy little thoroughbred isn't she used to be a top model you know front page of vogue
15:12none of your page three tat of course i don't let her work now i don't like men ogling my wife she
15:18belongs to me you should brand her with the name of your ranch
15:21hey american sense of humor oh right are you married do you know i believe in marriage as an
15:33institution do you know how i see marriage gee that really is an interesting piece of wallpaper
15:36isn't it you must excuse me marriage is the moral equivalent of the bank of england it holds everything
15:41together i'm a morality person you see but i believe that morality is a quality product that isn't being
15:47marketed properly i was saying this to dennis thatcher the other afternoon and he agreed with
15:52me at least i think he agreed with me it was a bit difficult to make out what he was saying
15:58yes morality is the bedrock capital of great britain plc morality i'll tell you what though i wouldn't mind
16:07giving that estate agent once
16:11mr clive i'd uh love to stay and discuss morality with you but i'm afraid i've got to go everything
16:16okay oh yes sweetie i was just expressing my moral philosophy oh i bet that's interesting you're
16:23on 300 pounds excuse me sir clive sandrew lloyd weber on the phone for you i'm putting some money
16:30into his next show it's a new musical about the rise of mussolini from his girlfriend's point of
16:35you should have a good ending anyway now listen carol i've been biting my tongue till it bleeds
16:44so before it all ends in tears i'm off you stay he likes you god knows why i don't know why i ever
16:51came in here not a good time andy call you back here's one for you mr shelley what is the strongest
16:58moral force in our society today i give up the go guides capitalism you see capitalism reflects the
17:07balance of nature all right nature can be cruel the weak perish but the strongest and most intelligent
17:12animal always rises to the top of the pack take me for example oh yes please god take him take him
17:20i'm the son of a news agent used to deliver newspapers for my dad never shone at school but by the time i was
17:2730 i was a millionaire now i'm 45 i'm the 12th richest man in britain i've got a film company a knighthood
17:33and the prime minister calls me by my christian name that's all by my own efforts virtue rewarded
17:39that's the moral well it's certainly fantastic the amount you've achieved isn't it james fantastic
17:47i mean and for me the most amazing achievement of all is you haven't let all this change you
17:55you've acquired all this wealth and power and yet beneath that magnificently successful exterior
18:02you're still the same stupid little pillock you must have been all those years ago delivering your dead paper
18:08sorry carol it was more than human flesh could bear i will be packed and ready to leave in the morning
18:19oh i see i've met your sort before over educated little fancy dandelion like looking down their noses
18:26at me well i'm proud of what i've achieved you're looking at a self-made man who obviously didn't read
18:30the instructions properly nobody speaks to me like this i'm dreadfully sorry sir clive i should
18:39have known this would happen you see he's recovering from a serious mental illness what what it's so
18:45disturbing in that home we thought the change of scenery would do him good but once he gets the pills
18:50wrong i'm afraid he becomes irrationally abusive and aggressive you lying cow see what i mean
18:56it's not his fault it's very sad it's a chemical thing his brain hasn't got enough potassium in it
19:02graham why don't you take james outside for some air now
19:15recovering from a mental illness on sue carol for slander quick thinking on her part there wasn't it
19:20it seemed to put sir clive in a better mood he's warming his hand on her bottom again
19:26half of mine to sort him out well i agree with the first part of the sentence uh excuse me how long
19:32to go two minutes been torture yeah we'd have gone home by now but we want to stay until the final
19:38whistle so we can boom off the pitch is football always this dumb look on the bright side there should
19:46be a punch-up any minute where in there i've just seen phil sneaking off with sir clive's wife
19:54he won't like that no i don't think he's noticed yet oh i am going to enjoy this
20:02hello he's looking round a bit anxiously he spotted she's gone
20:07he's asking his pa where she is pa shrugging her shoulders and yes i think she must be saying she
20:15saw maria leave with phil because sir clive is changing color we have meltdown
20:27oh yes he he seems to be blaming carol now carol's changing color ah he's making a big mistake
20:34there see he's jabbing at her with his finger carol doesn't like being jabbed
20:39no she doesn't does she she's coming out now don't say a word pretend we didn't see any of it
20:48oh hello carol how did it all go well apparently it's all my fault that his wife is left with my
21:00american friend i tried to explain that phil was not my friend but he kept jabbing me i told him
21:06not to but he kept on jabbing so i called him an arrogant old bore informed the whole room how he'd
21:11asked me to have sex with him in his car last week and said i'd rather bonk a dead sheep
21:17at which point he jabbed me some more so i slapped him around the face
21:22but the deal is still on isn't it
21:27i think the deal may have hit a little hiccup graham it's your fault if you hadn't come on carol
21:34you never have pulled that deal off with him fondling your buttocks all the time and looking
21:39to diversify into other areas what would you have done laid back and thought of tuscany
21:45you'd have ended up slapping his face sooner or later and a sad act of a wife would have got smashed
21:50and run off with the nearest available man and they don't come any more available than phil
21:54it was all totally predestined like a greek tragedy or an england batting collapse
22:02james is right carol okay so the deal could have been worth about three quarters of a million pounds
22:08and paid for a porsche and that villarine tuscany but look at it this way carol money isn't everything
22:18do we have matches back at the flat graham yes in the kitchen drawer right
22:25that was all a bit odd wasn't it oh my god my wang
22:35go on you've got an open goal go on you clear through i do not believe it he fell over
22:45he should be humanely destroyed it'd be the kindest thing to do in the in the circumstances
22:51oh thank god for that the final whistle time to call for the manager's resignation oh i'm bored
22:57we're doing that we do that every week why not call for the chairman's resignation then
23:02hey that's an idea i hate him sir clive this is my club so no one else is going to play with it
23:08he's busting he's in there oh right after three yeah two two three
23:14Bust in out bastin out bastin out bastin out bastin out bastin out bastin out bastin out bastin out
23:24Fasten out! Fasten out! Fasten out! Fasten out! Fasten out!
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