Complete playlist:
https://dailymotion.com/playlist/x9np9k
https://dailymotion.com/playlist/x9np9k
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00I'll see you next time.
00:30Here, Ben, tea.
00:32Amazing, Docklands.
00:34The graffiti here is positively prehistoric.
00:37It's a good thing we've got someone prehistoric like you here, then, James.
00:40You can tell us what it all means.
00:43So, what are Greaves and why did England want them?
00:46That's Jimmy Greaves, the footballer.
00:50Oh, is that what he used to do?
00:52Yes, it's a distant cry from the glory days of English soccer
00:55when, instead of losing 2-0 to Outer Mongolia,
00:58we used to draw 1-1 with Lapland.
01:02You've uncovered quite a lot tonight.
01:05Yes, apparently Jerry's a git, Bill's a tosser.
01:10And there seems to be a heady intellectual debate
01:13as to whether Manchester United Football Club
01:16or West Ham United Football Club were more OK.
01:19future archaeologists will probably presume
01:23there was a power struggle between two politicians
01:25called Muffcock and Wuffcock.
01:29Very possibly over the issue of metric measurement.
01:33Metric measurement?
01:33Yes, someone's written,
01:34and I want 10 inches now.
01:38Ben!
01:39Tea!
01:41I'll just finish this bit of water off.
01:43He's not ill, is he?
01:45Ill?
01:46No, he seems to be working hard enough.
01:47Well, that's what I meant.
01:49How he's working so hard,
01:50he actually enjoys the job.
01:52I take that as a sign of deep mental instability.
01:55The way he's working,
01:57you'd think he was going to be living here.
01:58Yeah, rather him than me.
02:00River Sunset Mansions.
02:02Luxury, prestige, development.
02:05Well, mind you,
02:05all it needs is another stock market crash,
02:08and it'll all be turned back into a slum again.
02:11Down and out,
02:12investment analysts will be coming up and saying,
02:14can you spare 90 pence for a glass of Perrier, Gov?
02:17Stockbrokers will be out spray canning walls
02:20with Rothschild rules
02:22or Kleinwart Benson PLC, OK?
02:27Demented Eurobond dealers
02:29will be hiring other people to riot for them.
02:32Amazing.
02:33My mum was wrong.
02:34Eh?
02:35There is someone who talks more bullshit than me.
02:38In fact,
02:39you're more full of it
02:41than British water and sewerage works.
02:42I'm surprised they haven't privatised you.
02:47Right.
02:49Is it you lot with the drill?
02:50No, no, it's the dentist upstairs.
02:53Oh, yeah.
02:54Well, I've come to tell you to turn it off.
02:57We're working.
02:58Ah, looks like it.
02:59Well, we're shooting a video downstairs
03:01and we can't hear a thing for your drill.
03:03Oh, well, leave it in.
03:04Call it heavy metal.
03:06Listen, son, we're in a hurry.
03:08This is a hobo video
03:10to go with this world tour.
03:13I presume you know who hobo is.
03:15Well, according to the papers,
03:16a complete raving nutter
03:18whose only friend is his pet goat.
03:21Compared to him,
03:22Colonel Gaddafi looks like an accountant from Penge.
03:26On the other hand,
03:27he is a bit tasty.
03:29Less chat and less of a drill off.
03:32Is this what you want?
03:35Not enough.
03:36All right.
03:39Now, pick it up and shut up.
03:42I can see you're a graduate
03:44of the Lucy Clayton Charm School.
03:46Now, if you'll excuse me,
03:49I have some loud noises to make.
03:52Don't mess with me, pal.
03:53I'll take you out.
03:55Oh, good.
03:55Anywhere nice?
04:00Ben, meet a friend.
04:01You may have seen him before somewhere.
04:04Probably in a museum for anthropology
04:06labelled Missing Link.
04:09Living proof that cavemen
04:11had sex with dinosaurs.
04:13You are...
04:14Yes, I know.
04:15You'll take me out.
04:21Be careful of that door.
04:23Mind you, don't scrape your knuckles
04:24on your way out.
04:27They've got a small city out there.
04:29Trucks, lights, cameras, people.
04:31Goats.
04:33I didn't see any goats.
04:35Here, Shelley,
04:35I wouldn't have said no to that money.
04:36Nor me.
04:37Oh, come on.
04:38We can't roll over
04:39and waggle our legs in the air
04:40just because he works for someone famous.
04:43We can't give in to somebody like that.
04:45It's a matter of principle.
04:47Honour.
04:47Self-respect.
04:49And if we hold out,
04:50they'll offer a lot more.
04:53No, you're right, though.
04:55We can't be trampled underfoot.
04:57Exactly.
04:57Well, back to work.
05:01Perhaps we could go down there
05:03and tell them the noise
05:04their video's making
05:05is putting us off our drilling.
05:07Might even see Hobo.
05:09He's a really famous pop star, you know.
05:11You don't say.
05:12I thought he was a spot welder.
05:15Even us geriatrics
05:16occasionally knock back enough filler sand
05:19to totter across to the television
05:20and see what's happening in the world.
05:23I've always wanted to be a pop star.
05:24Well, trouble is,
05:26when I open my mouth,
05:27I sound like a sea lion on heat.
05:29I can't sing.
05:32Well, then you're halfway there.
05:36Jason Donovan's had a number one hit.
05:38But I don't come across as having a great deal of personality.
05:41Like I said,
05:42Jason Donovan's had a number one hit.
05:44Oh, who's this then?
05:48Good evening.
05:49I'm Diana Luxton-Jones, Hobo's media relations representative.
05:52I must apologise for my colleague
05:54from the security division
05:55who communicated with you earlier.
05:56Don't mention it.
05:57I'm James Shelley
05:59from our scrubbing the walls
06:00with a wire brush division.
06:02This is Karen Trick,
06:04our chipping away at mouldy bits of cement representative.
06:07And behind there is Ben Simpson,
06:10our knocking holes in the walls
06:11with a bloody huge great drill permit.
06:14Ah, terrific.
06:16Now, I was wondering if I could prevail on you.
06:18No.
06:19But it won't take...
06:20No!
06:21Ah, right.
06:22Good.
06:22Terrific.
06:23Would it help if I was to tell you some details
06:25of how exciting the video we're making is?
06:28No.
06:28Shelley's right.
06:29We're not waggling our legs in the air for nobody.
06:31No.
06:32Indeed.
06:33Terrific.
06:34It is great, though.
06:35It's directed by the guy who made The Liquidiser.
06:38The what?
06:40You obviously didn't have any fillers on him
06:42when that one came out.
06:44It's a horror film
06:45about a psychopathic vigilante.
06:47The Liquidiser?
06:48What does he do?
06:49Murder his victims with a Kenwood chef?
06:52As a matter of fact, yes.
06:56Only in this video,
06:58Hobo falls through a manhole cover
06:59into the future
07:00where he has to rescue this beautiful woman
07:02from a giant man-eating cockroach.
07:05Only the woman turns out to be him.
07:07I can see you're going for social realism.
07:09Yes.
07:10Well, now you understand the video,
07:12what if I was to offer you 50 pounds each?
07:1650?
07:17All right, Diamond?
07:18What's going on?
07:19My name's Nigel Cross,
07:22Hobo's manager.
07:23Who are you?
07:23You don't look like typical builders.
07:25Well, if I was to whistle Elviva Hispania
07:28and pull my trousers down
07:30so my buttocks resemble
07:31Samantha Fox's cleavage,
07:32would it help?
07:35Anyway, you don't look like a typical rock manager.
07:38You mean I look young?
07:39Is there anything wrong with that?
07:40Nothing at all,
07:41as long as your mother knows you're out this late.
07:44Can we get on?
07:45I've explained to them what the video's about.
07:48I wish I'd been there,
07:49because I haven't got a clue.
07:50Well, presumably,
07:51if any of his other videos are to go by,
07:54it's just an excuse to show Hobo
07:55wearing tight trousers and sweating a lot.
07:59Yes, we usually have to do that
08:00to divert attention from the complete garbage he's saying.
08:04Well, it works for Nigel Lawson.
08:07Excuse me.
08:09Yes?
08:10Well, how did the crocodile get out of the crate?
08:15The saxophonist?
08:16Is he insured?
08:19Then find out
08:20and make sure it doesn't happen again.
08:21And if it does,
08:22make sure you're filming it.
08:24Is he badly hurt?
08:26Just a bruise on the tail.
08:28Well, will it?
08:31I'll offer you 75 quid each
08:33to stop drowning.
08:35There is a principle here.
08:37A hundred?
08:38Done.
08:39No.
08:42No, wait a minute.
08:43I'm not giving in.
08:45It's important, remember?
08:47Very well.
08:47If you...
08:49You know, you've got a great face.
08:52We could use someone like you on the video.
08:54Couldn't we, Diana?
08:55Oh, yes, certainly.
08:58Would you like to be in it?
09:00What, with Hobo?
09:01No, Ethelred the Unready.
09:04Well, yeah, yes.
09:07Terry, take her to make-up, quick.
09:11I suppose you want to be in it too?
09:13What as, the giant man-eating cockroach?
09:16I'll sit this one out, but I'll take the hundred.
09:19Me too.
09:20But what about Karen?
09:21Ah, well, Ben, fame talks.
09:24Of course it does.
09:25Why do you think I'm in this business?
09:27Do you realise that if Madonna ran for President of the United States,
09:32she'd get elected?
09:33I'll tell you something even more amazing.
09:35So would George Bush.
09:36In fact, so would Lassie come to that matter, provided there were no sex or drug scandals,
09:45no coke in the bonio,
09:48revelations of secret rendezvous with Dobermans in motel rooms.
09:53You talk too much.
09:57Hi.
09:58So what if it is broken?
10:00How many arms do you need to play the saxophone?
10:02You can't.
10:04Hobo, I don't want him up here.
10:06Tell the big loony to stay where he is.
10:09Hi, Hobo, my man.
10:10Great to see you.
10:11What's going on?
10:13I specifically asked for carrot juice in my trailer, and I've got orange juice.
10:22That's terrible.
10:23I'll see to it straight away.
10:24Diana, what went wrong?
10:25I don't know, but Hobo, I promise I'll find out who's responsible.
10:28And have them broken on the wheel, garrotted, and hung, drawn, and quartered.
10:33I'm not starting this video until it's sorted out.
10:35I'm sorry about this, Hobo.
10:37I'm sorry too.
10:38I'm not.
10:39Spoiled little brat.
10:43What did he say?
10:44Nothing.
10:45Absolutely nothing.
10:46I could order these guys to beat you up.
10:48What would you do then?
10:49Fall over.
10:53Maybe you're right.
10:54Maybe I am a spoiled breath.
10:56About this video.
10:57Do you think I'm spoiled?
10:58No, he thinks you talk utter garbage.
11:00Isn't that what you said earlier?
11:03Isn't that great?
11:04I like you.
11:05What have I done wrong now?
11:08I want to talk to you.
11:09Follow me.
11:10It may have escaped your attention, but I am not a Labrador.
11:14See?
11:15Fantastic.
11:17Go with him.
11:18Do as he says.
11:19£200 to get him back on set.
11:20See, I just love people who are honest with me.
11:24I am spoiled, aren't I?
11:26Yes, completely.
11:28You're fired.
11:28Come on.
11:31Only joking.
11:33Please.
11:34I'm no longer Mr. Famous, no longer genius, no longer a superstar, okay?
11:38We'll just talk.
11:40I want you to say to me what you'd say if I was just a mate of yours down the pub.
11:45Right.
11:49Hobo, stop being such a prat.
11:51There's two crocodiles in there.
12:15Well, there were two.
12:18I think one ate the other one.
12:20Why crocodiles?
12:22We stick wings on them and use them as giant insects.
12:26Well, of course.
12:26He plays my son.
12:37I'd hate to see who's playing your granny.
12:43Oh.
12:44I like your groupies.
12:47Who wrote this video, by the way?
12:49I did.
12:50Thought you might have.
12:51Some caravan.
12:59You could play the FA Cup final in here.
13:02Yeah, it's the most expensive one you can buy.
13:05There's a shower through there and a bathroom next to it.
13:08What, no jacuzzi?
13:09That door there.
13:10I should have known.
13:14And there's a £25,000 dish on top.
13:17Can pick up Korean satellite TV.
13:19Korean satellite TV's good, is it?
13:22I don't know.
13:23Can't understand a word of it.
13:26I'm not actually mad, you'll find.
13:29A lot of it the papers make up.
13:31Like about the goat?
13:32I did have one, but it kept eating the music I wrote.
13:36Everyone's a critic, eh?
13:37Do you know, I earned £95,000 last month.
13:41In Japan alone.
13:43Oh, that's Italian cable.
13:45They interview lots of housewives who take their clothes off.
13:48I saw the nudists' that's life.
13:50I suppose.
13:52Says a lot about the world Italian cable TV.
13:55Yes, that Italian housewives look better with their clothes on.
14:00Yeah, there's loads of soft porn in Italy.
14:03Yes, that's not a traditional use for spaghetti, is it?
14:07Yes, that's not a traditional use for spaghetti.
14:08Yes, that's not a traditional use for spaghetti.
14:1087 stations worldwide, this gets.
14:13So what do you usually watch?
14:15TV or BBC.
14:16What do you want to talk to me about?
14:19One of it's men, Bill.
14:20These are particularly good for your hair and teeth.
14:23Hobo, if I ever enter Crofts, I'll take some.
14:27Yeah.
14:28It's just that no one talks to me like you did anymore.
14:33Do you really think I'm spoiled?
14:35Well, um, how shall I put this, um, yes?
14:39I think it's only to be expected.
14:41They're all, yes, hobo, no, hobie, straight away, hobo.
14:44You see what you can get away with?
14:46When I was in New York, they kept sending limos.
14:49So I refused to go to the gig unless they sent a Morris Minor.
14:53And did they?
14:54Yes, unfortunately.
14:57Bloody uncomfortable they are.
14:58I took the limo on the way back.
15:00Doesn't it get boring after a while?
15:03Sure.
15:03It's fine at first.
15:05Try it, if you like.
15:07Phone out for a sardine, peanut butter and avocado sandwich.
15:13They'll bring it.
15:14You don't have to eat it.
15:16Could I ask that prehistoric thug you sent round to stop the drilling to bring it?
15:21Sure.
15:23Wearing a tutu?
15:24Sure.
15:24Doing bunny hops and singing Royal Britannia.
15:31Backwards.
15:32Sure.
15:32Go on.
15:34No, I couldn't.
15:36See, you're bored already.
15:39Half the time I'm bored out of my mind.
15:42Of course, you can find a cause or something.
15:45But it soon gets dull.
15:47I saved the whales last month.
15:49How nice.
15:51This month I'm buying forest.
15:53Saving the Amazon?
15:54No, chopping down trees in Scotland.
15:57Look, if you're so bored, wouldn't it be easier if you just did the video?
16:01I shouldn't think so.
16:04Fancy a drink?
16:05You got a beer?
16:06Canadian, Swiss or Burmese?
16:09I never thought I'd hanker for a car in Black Label.
16:11Burmese is much the same.
16:14They have incontinent gnats there as well, do they?
16:21Is that a drink or are you trying to anaesthetise an elephant?
16:26I like a drop of vodka.
16:28So I gather, what is it, Portuguese?
16:33Prussian.
16:34From the tour?
16:36Yeah, they won't pay for records in cash, so you get payments in kind.
16:39I've got about 200 gallons of this.
16:42Oh, and a snowplough.
16:44You don't know anyone who wants one.
16:46They say Elton John, for his tour, got an icebreaker.
16:50Money could be useful for breaking the ice at parties.
16:53What?
16:54Nothing.
17:05Amazing.
17:06It appears you're still alive.
17:09It's not vodka, it's mineral water.
17:11I like to see people's faces.
17:14You know, I don't do drink or drugs.
17:17Well, not anymore.
17:18A change of personality.
17:21Perhaps you should go back on them.
17:22Now listen, you've got all these people out there waiting for you to make this video.
17:29Why is it called the Isle of Dogs?
17:30What?
17:31Where we are now.
17:32It's not an island and there's not an exceptional number of dogs.
17:36Ah, well, you see, it was where the Dutch ships originally came in and unloaded.
17:41And all their exports were lined up along the quays.
17:44So it became known as the Mile of Clogs, which was corrupted to the Isle of Dogs.
17:52Really?
17:54No, complete bull.
17:55Do you really think I should change?
18:00I think I've turned over two pages.
18:03My personality.
18:05My doctor told me I've been warped by success.
18:08Well, it's probably better than being warped by failure.
18:12Nietzsche said a lot about being a star.
18:14He said there were ordinary men and supermen.
18:17And that a superman had a right to rule.
18:19What about a Batman or a Spider-Man?
18:22Come to think of it, you can apply a lot of 19th century German philosophy to the rock business.
18:27Oh, yes.
18:28It's a little known fact that Schopenhauer was the bass guitarist in the original line-up of Iron Maiden.
18:34Did you want some carrot juice, by the way?
18:36You had that all along.
18:38Now, what about this video?
18:40Why are you so interested?
18:42Because your manager offered me money to persuade you.
18:45Oh, I'll pay you that.
18:47How much do you offer?
18:48Two hundred, five hundred pounds.
18:52Is that all?
18:53Fine.
18:56You know why my psychiatrist said I became a rock star?
18:59So you could earn enough money to afford a psychiatrist.
19:02Because I was called Shirley.
19:06You see, my mum and dad wanted a girl, so I was christened Shirley Johnson.
19:12And subconsciously, people with silly names become rock stars so they can change them.
19:16Look at Elton John.
19:18He was called Reg Dwight.
19:20Elvis Costello, he was Declan McManus.
19:24Yeah, but Elvis Costello didn't exactly change it to something sensible, did he?
19:28And what about that bloke in Marillion who changed his name to Fish?
19:32I mean, you're not telling me that originally he was called something even more stupid.
19:38I never thought of that.
19:39What about Fatima Whitbread?
19:41Marmaduke Hussey?
19:43According to your theory, they should have gone into the pop business and been a double actor at the Wembley Arena.
19:47Strange, you know, being famous.
19:50One minute you're a nobody, and the next Sotheby's are auctioning off a pair of your underpants for 500 quid.
19:58Yes, I can understand that.
20:00Especially the first part about being a nobody.
20:03But that's great, all that hard work.
20:06A useful life to look back on.
20:08Hard work, useful, me.
20:10I'm like a great work of art.
20:13Purely decorative.
20:14Anyway, it's about time someone told you that being unknown isn't all it's cracked up to be.
20:20It's just as miserable as being famous.
20:22Except there's less offers of casual sex.
20:26Anyway, if you'd like to adopt my lifestyle, I'm willing to swap.
20:30I'll take the caravan, the four houses, the two islands, and the ex-model girlfriend.
20:36You can have my job scrubbing walls, my overdraft, and I'll throw in my Veruca.
20:42Do you know that a third of rock stars are killed by the time they're 50?
20:46Not surprising if they're self-pitying prats like you.
20:50What did you say?
20:51No one says that to me.
20:52I'm hobo, all right?
20:53I'm hobo.
20:55Hey, I've got a tune.
20:56Listen.
20:57I am hobo, I'm hobo, I'm hobo, I am hobo, I am hobo, I am hobo.
21:07Brilliant, eh?
21:08Well, it would have been, but it's the Hallelujah Cora.
21:12That's it?
21:13Oh, sod.
21:15Do you realise my last hit single turned out to be Deutschland, Deutschland, Uber Alice?
21:20Backwards.
21:23Oh, God, I'm bored again.
21:25Might as well make this video.
21:32Do you want a job, by the way?
21:34Doing what, crocodile handler?
21:36No, I mean permanently.
21:37I'll invent something.
21:39You meet lots of famous people.
21:41That's what worries me, if they're like you.
21:44I only want someone to talk to, that's all.
21:47Someone to talk to.
21:49Sorry, I just wouldn't fit in.
21:51I don't want to be an all-so-ran in a glamorous world, when among lazy, slobbish, mouthy mediocrities, I am a king.
22:00But I'll take the 500 quid.
22:04Hobo.
22:05Yeah, all right, I'll do it.
22:06Too late.
22:07The director's walked off now.
22:09In that case, I'm not doing it either.
22:11What's that?
22:17Oh, God, I forgot.
22:18I left him in there.
22:27Shelley, meet Pythagoras.
22:29I thought the crocodiles had got you.
22:37Worse.
22:38I nearly ended up working there.
22:40So was.
22:41Hobo, what's he like then?
22:43Is he really a little bit loopy?
22:44A little bit loopy?
22:45Certainly not.
22:46He's completely out of his tree.
22:49Bats in the belfry, eh?
22:51Close.
22:52Goats in the jacuzzi.
22:54I tell you, compared to him, working here is a haven of sanity.
22:58Of course you're not anymore.
23:00The boss came round and found you'd sloped off.
23:03You've been fired.
23:05Oh, well, never mind.
23:07My mate Hobo gave me 500 quid.
23:13Have you looked at that check closely?
23:15Why?
23:16It's signed by St Francis of Assisi.
23:21Oh.
23:23Oh, well.
23:24Well, a quote comes to mind from that well-known German existential philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche.
23:32What's that, then?
23:33Sod this for a game of soldiers.
23:35Let's go down the pub.
23:36We'll be worth it.