- 17/05/2025
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00:00You
00:30some posts for you Ted probably more fan mail from one of your groupies down the over 60s club
00:47what are you doing oh just replanting some pine trees had a bit of an avalanche
00:56probably caused by the way you always slam the front door on your way out what's that then
01:02I don't know well you're going to open it I'm not sure that I should I mean a strange parcel
01:09turns up addressed to me could be anything could be a bomb from the provisional wing of the DSS
01:17extreme fundamentalists who believe in blowing up the habitually unemployed
01:21oh stop talking cobblers and open the ruddy parcel certainly Vicar what's yours hey oh another letter
01:31from the developers they're up in their offer on the house by 20,000 another 20,000 oh it's a very
01:41good offer now Ted maybe you should accept I mean you could buy a nice flat with that sort of money
01:46I'm not budging this is my home I'm never giving in just because they're rich and powerful doesn't
01:52mean they can push people around yes it does well people like that can't get away with it forever
01:58one day ordinary folk will say right that's it we've had enough like they did in Romania they'll rise up
02:05in one seething mass the next thing you know Kenneth Baker will be swinging from a lamppost in parliament
02:09square so anyway hang on I'm enjoying the mental picture it's quite therapeutic isn't it what's in the parcel
02:22oh right malt whiskey well I'll be jiggered I won a raffle
02:37I can't believe it what was the raffle for it was in a to save the whale well I mean I only bought
02:45a ticket to annoy the Japanese well no actually I really only bought a ticket because I'm deeply
02:52concerned about the plight of marine mammals and I fancied the girl from Greenpeace who was selling
02:57them do you know Ted this is the first time I've ever won anything in a raffle or any sort of lottery
03:03I mean I've had premium bonds for 20 years but I think Ernie knows they're mine so he never picks
03:10them out of cuss at us well it's obvious what's happened the great computer of life has randomly
03:16selected your number lady luck is smiling on you listen Ted if lady luck is smiling at me it's only
03:23because she knows she's about to kick me in the ghoulies I'm just not the lucky type oh well I've got a
03:29theory about that you see I reckon God gets up every morning and he says to himself right whose
03:33turn is it going to be today and he looks down at planet earth and he says ah there's that Shelley
03:38character a bit of an idle sod but he hasn't had his turn yet so he sprinkles me with fairy dust and
03:45everything I touch turns to gold something like that it's fate it's kismet it's balderdash I'm telling
03:51you everyone has a special day when they're blessed with divine providence I'm an atheist ah but are you
03:58prepared to admit the existence of a power greater than yourself yes but I'm not prepared to worship the
04:03inland revenue sir all right all right clever dick let's try a little experiment prove my point call
04:10heads heads it is cool heads right again cool tails tails it is do you realize the likelihood of
04:32getting three in a row like that I'm telling you this is your day if you fell in a pile of manure
04:37you'd come up smelling of roses I never understood that expression all right so you may smell of
04:43roses but you're still covered in manure now pay attention will you you may learn something for a
04:49change on the 28th of May 1953 right I woke up thinking this is just going to be another day by
04:56the end of that day I'd won eight pounds six shillings and ninepence been promoted and met the most
05:02beautiful woman in the world who was to become my wife that was my day no I'm sorry we're in Russell
05:09Grant territory here you're just not prepared to concede the possibility of an outside force are you
05:14well I'm telling you there are more things in heaven and earth than I dreamt of in your philosophy
05:21a ratio do you know who said that lady Nelson Hamlet well what does Hamlet know about life he's a fictional
05:28character no Ted I'm sorry I'm a rational person I believe life is basically logical well all right
05:36answer me this if life is logical how come George Bush is the most powerful man in the world
05:42and if life is so flaming logical explain to me how it is that there are some people who every week
05:50go and watch Birmingham City see see you're stumped aren't you mr. logic man eh all right so life isn't
06:00100% logical I concede but I'm still not accepting all this superstitious guff about everyone having their
06:06own special day all right all right we'll put my theory to the ultimate test I bet you five pounds
06:15but if you ring up British rail inquiries you'll get through straight away straight away yes to British
06:33rail inquiries Ted you're throwing your money away hang on these days it's an answer phone message with
06:41the times of the trains no no no this fiber says you get through straight away to a human being now dial
06:50to a human being straight away Ted that is about as likely that was spooky
07:19I told you so come on get your coat where are we going down the betting shop we're gonna cash in
07:27on your lucky street you never know by tonight you could be a millionaire I'm not sure I'm still not
07:32convinced well come on what have you got to lose this is your lucky day well it's not that lucky you
07:37just won a fiber off me I tell you what that fiber can be your initial stake and then if you win over
07:44five thou you can take me on a holiday to Austria deal deal you'll love Austria the scenery is so
07:53relaxing it makes you want to forget everything hmm well it certainly has that effect on Kurt Valheim
07:59are you sure about this Ted I mean I don't know why I backed that horse I know nothing about the sport of Kings I
08:12mean for years I thought that bar was a horse that was too shagged out to win because it ran in every race
08:18they're going into the stalls isn't this exciting feel nervous relax think soothing thoughts think about Kenneth
08:30Baker and the lamppost just don't feel comfortable here I'm not one of nature's gamblers I'm one of
08:38those cautious people you know the sorter will never ride pillion and always puts paper around the toilet seat
08:43they're off yours is the big gray easy to spot well it's particularly easy to spot at the moment
08:52it's about 10 yards behind the rest oh there's plenty of time come on Arab boy Arab boy he's a dog
09:00no no no he's definitely a horse I mean I may not be very strong on natural history but I'd say that
09:08that definitely isn't a dog not unless it's a seven-foot-high gray rottweiler who's had a nose job
09:14yeah but he's done nothing at this distance why do you think it's 12 to 1 oh well that's not the
09:19point you see he didn't pick it according to form I told him to choose it by instinct instinct yeah you
09:24know intuition sixth sense and his sixth sense told him Arab boy would win yes I hate bloody Amazon
09:31I don't want to worry for our dog is moving through the field faster than a speeding princess and oh
09:39yeah oh yes his jockeys certainly getting the best out of him isn't he perhaps he's shouting the words glue
09:45factory and it's here he's third now he can't finish he's renowned for it you'll see it'll start
09:54fading now yes he's faded into second place and that was faded into the league
10:00sorry about that never won a bet on a horse before come on let's collect our winnings
10:30oh my god Ted that was exciting you've won 60 pounds oh I hope I don't go down with a gambling
10:37bug you know start chucking my money away on horses and grounds and channel tunnel shares
10:4260 quid I love you now what do you fancy in the 330 oh no Ted no let's stop now no please I mean me
10:53and this money have only just met we need time to let our relationship blossom don't be boring come on
10:59choose another horse remember ignore the form just follow your instincts all right
11:05that one knockdown ginger 40 to 1 great knockdown ginger couldn't outrun a one-legged sumo wrestler
11:19green prince is gonna walk this race all right then you back green prince
11:2460 quid on knockdown ginger please to win you're flushing your money down the toilet
11:32i'm on a lucky streak there's no such thing listen i rang british rail inquiries this morning
11:39got through straight away to a human being a helpful human being really it doesn't matter the fact
11:51remains that betting is a science it's got nothing to do with luck or any of that mumbo jumbo come
11:55along Shelly let's watch our horse in the paddock some people shouldn't be allowed in betting shops for
12:01their own safety ten pounds to win on green prince please five pounds each way on knockdown ginger
12:09so what's knockdown ginger done in its previous races then let's have a look
12:14well it's consistent
12:21oh look there he is having his girths done
12:26hmm now that one could be a dog
12:30all right all right back back back come on back calm down give the boy some air
13:00shelly you all right shelly how much have i won well you backed arab boy 12 to 1 that's 60 quid
13:09and knockdown ginger came in at 40 to 1 that's 2460 pounds yeah what are you fancy in the four o'clock
13:16leave it for us i've uh i've collected your winnings hello little 2460 pounds i'm your new daddy
13:27now shelly oh no i know what you're gonna say that i should gamble all this lot on the next race
13:36exactly no ted no i'm quitting well i'm ahead i'm putting this in the bank that's right mate you be
13:42sensible no come on go for the next race be sensible don't listen to him
13:48hello i am not risking this on another quadruped who may or may not decide to run faster than its
13:56fellow creatures you ask me these horses don't even know they're racing they probably think it's
14:02all a good gallop with a few mates that for some reason always get stopped when they reach a big
14:07grandstand full of screaming idiots i'm sorry i've never had this much money in my sweaty palm before
14:12and i am not putting it on another horse apart from anything else if i won i'd have a cardiac arrest
14:20well if that's your decision yes it is i wonder if it would be your decision
14:29if you'd seen the list of runners for the 430
14:31what do you mean look at number six six
14:38emma's dad
14:42eight to one
14:43no ted no
14:45oh come on shelly
14:47a man called shelly with a daughter called emma
14:51an horse called emma's dad it's a message from the gods it must be
14:55it's coincidence
14:56well then what a coincidence
14:58good heavens what sort of a sign are you looking for a horse called shelly wins pots of money
15:03look emma's dad
15:05oh i don't know
15:06what's two thousand four hundred and sixty quid
15:11at eight to one
15:12twenty two thousand one hundred and forty pounds
15:15there you are shelly
15:17twenty two thousand
15:19one hundred and forty pounds
15:21calling shelly
15:22come and get me
15:24shelly
15:25but i've got two thousand four hundred and sixty pounds that's enough should be satisfied
15:30with that
15:31oh come on that doesn't go anywhere these days two thousand four hundred and sixty
15:34pounds that's two tickets for wimbledon a cab home if you're lucky
15:39but twenty two thousand one hundred and forty pounds that's real wealth that's almost as much as
15:46nigel lawson earns in an hour
15:51feeling all shaky now
15:53i don't know
15:54i really don't know
15:56twenty two thousand one hundred and forty crisps maccaroonies
16:03all right you do it place the bet
16:05and alert the nearest intensive care unit
16:08you won't regret it shelly i promise you you can't lose
16:12this is your moment of destiny you son of a gun
16:16right you two
16:18when the race starts
16:20hold me down
16:22and if i get hysterical
16:24knock me unconscious
16:25understood
16:25well
16:33that has to go down as one of the most exciting days i've had in a very long time
16:38oh
16:39what a race that emma's dad ran
16:41eh
16:41absolutely brilliant
16:43breathtaking
16:44the way that horse zoomed through from the back and won by a neck and we were all leaping about and dancing and whooping
16:53i never thought i'd see you attempt a cartwheel you very nearly broke your back
16:58ecstasy
17:01pure ecstasy
17:03and then we heard the fateful phrase
17:05steward's inquiry
17:07god
17:09that was a tense five minutes wasn't it
17:12personally i think they were wrong to disqualify emma's dad like that
17:16personally
17:16i think the other horse veered into him but
17:20well now
17:21there you go
17:22are you feeling all right now
17:25got over that turn
17:27it's frightening isn't it when you hyperventilate like that
17:32you won't regret it shelley i promise
17:46you fancy a cup of tea i'll make one
17:49uh if you'll let me buy
17:52you can't lose
17:55this is your moment of destiny
17:58you son of a gun
18:00yes well
18:02obviously i was wrong
18:05you were wrong
18:07yeah
18:07one of those things
18:10one of those things
18:12yeah
18:12it's going to be a mystifying case
18:16i expect the police will be baffled
18:18i'm sorry
18:20they'll probably have to put it on crime watch
18:23nick ross will ask the public for any information they may have concerning the murder
18:30of a 62 year old man
18:32who was found dead in his own home
18:35with the words
18:36one of those things
18:38carved on his forehead
18:40come on shelley where's your sense of fun
18:44sense of fun
18:46i had over 2,000 quid i chucked it away on your advice
18:51oh so what is only money
18:53besides i know you
18:54you wouldn't have been happy with all that cash
18:56she'd have got all bitter and twisted and and guilt ridden about it
19:00no no no
19:00if you ask me it's better that you didn't win all that money really
19:03i'm gonna fetch the carving knife
19:10well look at the positive side shelley
19:13i mean okay so you lost the money but we had we had a great adventure didn't we
19:18and that's what life's all about
19:19isn't it it's part of the rich tapestry
19:22it enriched your experience didn't it
19:25i'm gonna fetch the carving knife
19:27i i know what you're thinking you're thinking it was my theory about it being your special day
19:32that let you down but i've i've worked out where we went wrong
19:35go on
19:36well you see we trusted your instincts on the first two horses arab boy
19:41and knocked down ginger and they're both one right
19:43but it was me that spotted emma's dad
19:46so you didn't choose that one instinctively at all
19:49so actually it was your mistake for listening to me
19:53ironic really
19:58the carving knife's in the top drawer
20:03don't worry i won't resist i'd do the same as if i was in your position
20:09sorry shelley
20:10i really put you through it didn't i
20:13what the hell
20:17i started the day with nothing i ended it with nothing so what am i getting worked up about
20:22i mean admittedly i've aged 20 years in one day but apart from that what's the problem
20:27you see ted i'm one of those people who likes to be in control emotionally
20:35and that betting shop took me deep into a dark continent of emotions i'd never had before
20:43the terror
20:44an exaltation of doing something risky something reckless
20:49but you see i don't belong in that world
20:52well what world do you belong in then one that's ordered and predictable where there's no strife
20:57no stress
20:58yes i think i know the one you mean it's called six foot under
21:01do you want that tea now
21:05no malt whiskey please a double
21:08you weren't the only one to suffer in that bedding shop you know
21:14there was a dozen of them backed emma's dad on the strength of your winning streak
21:18oh i know and the one who gave us all that free advice about racing form he bet 200 quid
21:24wasn't very happy
21:26that's the first time i've ever seen a grown man banging his head on the pavement
21:32and then there's me
21:36i missed out on a trip to austria
21:39was rather looking forward to showing you around the full-size version of my model
21:43there's so many fascinating aspects about that area
21:47did you know
21:49that on the hillside behind helstad
21:51archaeologists have found the first known remains of prehistoric man in europe
21:56that's a worrying thought isn't it
21:59that we're descended from austrians
22:01and just see our ancestors now
22:04neanderthal figures with protruding brows
22:07lumbering around in mammoth skin lederhosen
22:10are you sure you're all right now
22:13you've calmed down
22:15yeah don't worry i'm okay now
22:17you're not still feeling bitter or anything
22:20no
22:20no point in being bitter is there
22:22no
22:23futile emotion bitterness
22:26to emma's dad
22:30emma's dad
22:33ted
22:38those stewards
22:40the ones that disqualified emma's dad
22:43and cost me over 22 000 pounds
22:47yeah
22:47do you think we could find out where they live
22:52if
22:55you think we could find out where it works
22:57that
22:58τί
23:00k
23:07COVID
23:09hopefully
23:11or
23:12I feel like
23:12you know
23:15I feel like
23:16وت
23:17I feel like
23:19I feel like
23:19I feel like
23:19about
23:20it
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