- 17/05/2025
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00:30What are you doing? Checking the times of the next funicular?
00:47Oh, hello. No, no, no, no. Of course not. What do you think the station master's for? Decoration?
00:52Oh, sorry. Beg his pardon.
00:56The detail of all this really is amazing.
00:59You know, you can even see his flies are undone.
01:02What?
01:03Joke, Ted. Joe.
01:06Seriously, I don't know. You managed it.
01:08I only ever made a model once. School art class it was.
01:12A dinosaur made from plasticine and wire.
01:16A whole term's work, and I ended up with the legs too far apart,
01:20the stomach resting on the floor, and it had to carry its head in a bag.
01:23The teacher said it would have been extinct in three weeks.
01:28Anyway, what are you studying?
01:30I am studying what to study.
01:33Evening classes have come round again. Further education.
01:36Oh, that's right. You said F.E.
01:38Oh, the humiliation.
01:40I live with a swat.
01:42Don't mock.
01:43This is all due to a model-making course.
01:46Never.
01:46How'd you get it back on the bus?
01:49Really?
01:50Yeah, last year I did the pottery,
01:52and the ballroom dancing,
01:53and the creative writing,
01:54and the Japanese.
01:55Hang on, Ted. Hang on.
01:56How many of these courses have you been on since your wife died?
01:59Um, 16.
02:01Including the cycling proficiency course.
02:03You haven't got a bike.
02:05Ah, but I also did the mime classes.
02:09How do you decide which courses to go on?
02:12Oh, well, to start with,
02:14I thought I'd work through alphabetically.
02:17Until I discovered that that meant
02:18accountancy, acoustics, and acrobatics.
02:23So now I'm a bit more choosy.
02:25Could all start from the back, eh?
02:29Zulu.
02:30Zoology.
02:31Christmas stress workshop.
02:34Christmas stress workshop?
02:38You can do a course on the emotional trauma
02:40of fighting for turkeys in Tesco's.
02:43You can do a course on almost anything.
02:46You should come.
02:47No.
02:48I went to a lecture once at university.
02:50Well, do something practical, then.
02:52Practical? Me?
02:54After I was thrown out of the dinosaur class,
02:57I tried woodwork.
02:58Class of 30.
02:59We all had to make either a table lamp or a little boat.
03:02Three months it took me,
03:04and mine was the only one they said they couldn't tell which I'd made.
03:09Tried to float it and infused.
03:11I am going to start on first aid.
03:14There must be something in there that you'd enjoy.
03:19Further education?
03:21No, I don't think so.
03:23I'd only get bored doing F.E.
03:25Oh, really?
03:26Well, as far as I can see,
03:27it's a choice between boring F.E. and sweet F.A.
03:30I could be at home in the warm, you know.
03:38I could be exercising my brain cells on Blankety Bank by the fire.
03:42I could be tucked.
03:45Good God.
03:47I didn't know Bram Stoker designed schools.
03:51That's late Victorian monumental brutalism.
03:54I did two weeks of the architecture course.
03:58What course are you doing tonight?
04:00First aid?
04:01Yeah.
04:02Always useful in a crowd.
04:04You say you know first aid,
04:05you can get straight to the front.
04:07Well, that's what you do, my practical.
04:09No, the truth is I'm knocking on a bit.
04:12I'm getting more accident prone.
04:14And you want to learn how to open those childproof bottles?
04:18I want to know what to do
04:20if anything should happen to me and you're not around.
04:22Listen, if I am around and anything happens,
04:25the first thing you'll have to do will be to revive me.
04:29I've been known to faint at the sight of a prescription.
04:32Anyway, what do you expect to happen?
04:34I don't know.
04:35A cut, a burn, a fall, a heart attack.
04:38A heart attack.
04:41What do you plan to do?
04:42Give yourself the kiss of life?
04:56Have you decided yet?
04:58Eh?
04:59Oh, well, I've narrowed it down to an ology.
05:02Something intellectual like leisure-ology.
05:05Doesn't it give you the creeps?
05:09Coming back to school again.
05:11Well, this is adult education.
05:14They won't keep you in if you're naughty.
05:16It'll give you a smack body.
05:18I'm not going to be naughty.
05:19I just...
05:21I just mean half a lifetime's gone by
05:26and everything's exactly the same.
05:28Same old radiators that gave you piles,
05:31the same sounds from the corridors,
05:33the same smells from the classrooms,
05:36as if all schools were built
05:38with a sort of educational B.O.
05:42Well, I used to enjoy school.
05:45We had bike sheds.
05:49Glad somebody did.
05:50I was so unhappy at school,
05:51I used to get visits from Amnesty.
05:54Unless he's bringing all the memories back.
05:56Well, I don't remember very much about school,
05:58except that the spotted dick
06:00could break a window at 50 yards.
06:01Rules.
06:04Nothing but rules.
06:05Rules on everything.
06:07Made the Ten Commandments
06:08look like the advice page in Woman's Own.
06:12That, and I was always getting picked on.
06:15No, no, no.
06:16This is a dreadful mistake.
06:18No, no, no, look, come on.
06:20I'm sure it won't be the same now.
06:22Well, obviously there aren't going to be
06:23any big boys picking on me.
06:26Just talking about the feel of the place.
06:29I might as well stay now I'm here,
06:31but next week...
06:32Just relax.
06:34Be sure to be lots of your sort of person here.
06:37You'll see.
06:43Anyone for martial arts?
06:46Oh, my God, it's a prefect.
06:51The schools really are getting tougher.
06:54No, no, no, no, no.
06:55That's just the unarmed combat lot.
06:58They're always having new Japanese crazies,
07:00you know, like how to kill your opponent
07:02with a well-aimed sneeze.
07:05I don't know about his martial arts,
07:06but his dress sense terrifies me.
07:09Anyone here doing kendo?
07:11You doing kendo?
07:13Er, no, I could never pass the exam.
07:15You what?
07:15I could never manage to take Pearl Harbor.
07:19Well, not single-handed.
07:20You what?
07:22Listen, I realise you're enormously dangerous,
07:24but do you think it might help if you took your muzzle off?
07:28It's not a muzzle, it's a visor.
07:30Now, we do a full range of martial arts here.
07:32Aikido, kendo, and karate.
07:36That's the fact you're more familiar with the old Kung Fu.
07:39Well, I've had some experience with Typhu.
07:43I find if you make a very large pot,
07:46you can drown your opponent in it.
07:48Or teabag him to death.
07:51Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
07:53So, who would like to try a course?
07:55Ah, no, no, I don't think so.
07:56So, er, I'm more of a thinker,
07:58more of your intellectual type.
08:00Not so much kendo as cluedo.
08:04Thank you, Ted.
08:05Well, this comes in very handy nowadays.
08:07Oh, I'm sure it does,
08:08if you've got a band of Japanese medieval warlords
08:12rampaging through your neighbourhood,
08:13turning all your goldfish into sushi.
08:16It'd be money well spent.
08:18Yeah, but a man needs to know how to handle himself in a crisis.
08:21There wouldn't be any crisis
08:22if half the male population hadn't done evening classes in GBH.
08:26What the class does
08:27is teach you the right mental attitude.
08:29The right mental attitude's cowardice.
08:32So, what do you do if someone comes up and threatens you?
08:34Easy.
08:35I just say,
08:36even a five-year-old girl could beat me to a pulp
08:38and they leave me alone.
08:40Well, at least they're right about the five-year-old girl.
08:42I've seen better muscles on a stick insect.
08:44Oh, so those are muscles, are they?
08:46I thought you'd borrow Joan Collins' shoulder pads.
08:49Now, look, you run along, Sonny.
08:52I've got to sign them on for a course which exercises the brain.
08:56There, you see, I told you you'd soon make friends.
09:02Oh, very good choice, if I may say so, madam.
09:06Egyptian monasteries.
09:08Culture and religion.
09:11So nice together.
09:13Like strawberries and cream, I always say.
09:15So, that's next Thursday evening.
09:19Goodbye.
09:21Mr. Bishop.
09:23Mrs. Crouch.
09:25We really must get you a season ticket.
09:28Or a long-service medal.
09:30And bar, how many is it this time?
09:37Fifteen?
09:37Sixteen.
09:39I did the cycling proficiency test.
09:42Oh, it's wonderful to see such dedication.
09:46Though I'm afraid that nice Mr. Hampton has now got seventeen.
09:50Has he?
09:50For the daytime course, in power arranging.
09:55Well, well, it's not so much the numbers, it's the content.
09:59So true.
10:00And which muse brings you here tonight?
10:03First aid.
10:05Just in case I can be of service to my fellow man.
10:08Just in case I push him down the stairs.
10:11May I introduce my new lodger, Mr. James Shelley?
10:16We'll have to put you on commission.
10:18No, no, I think this is just going to be a one-night stand with a muse.
10:22Oh.
10:23Yes, I'm not really cut out.
10:25There you are, still oodles of room on the first aid.
10:28Oh, thank you very much.
10:31And, er, what subject did you have in mind?
10:35He's one of the great minds of 20th century Streatham.
10:39He needs something with an ology.
10:42An intellectual.
10:44How exciting.
10:46Oh, well.
10:47You want to stretch your brain.
10:50Well, stop it from shrinking.
10:52Something like the history of philosophy in Serbo-Croat.
10:58See you later.
10:59Er, er, er, Mr. Bishop.
11:01Yes?
11:02Er, just for tonight, you're in room 4C.
11:05It's not ideal, but the ceiling's fallen down again in the medical room.
11:09Oh, right-to.
11:11So, how do you wish to exercise your brain?
11:16Well, I thought maybe anthropology or psychology or criminology or...
11:22No, sociology.
11:24Excuse me.
11:25That's all so far for first aid.
11:29And I'm afraid for tonight you're teaching in 4C.
11:32Ceiling's down again in the medical room.
11:35Thanks.
11:35Or perhaps first aid.
11:44Good evening, everyone.
12:08My name's Miranda Green.
12:11Thank you for coming.
12:13I'm sorry about the conditions tonight.
12:18Not like school you said.
12:20But at least you're in the right class for slip discs.
12:24So, this is your subject for mastermind, is it, Professor?
12:28Now, who's come for a qualification in first aid?
12:34And who's come voluntarily?
12:37For personal reasons.
12:43Oh, yes, Tom.
12:44I remember you from last year.
12:46You've come for the radiator.
12:52Well, that's a sort of first aid.
12:56And what exactly are your personal reasons, Mr...?
13:01Oh, Shelley.
13:02James Shelley.
13:04Well, I've always been interested in first aid.
13:07But at present, you see, I live, share a house, that is,
13:11with Mr Bishop on my right.
13:13And it struck me, and I'm sure he won't mind me saying this,
13:18that he's, well, knocking on a bit now.
13:23Getting more accident-prone.
13:25And I've become concerned that should anything happen to him,
13:29like a cut or a fall or a burn or a heart attack,
13:33I should learn what to do about it.
13:37Yes, that's a common feeling.
13:39And, of course, should one ever come across a car crash
13:41or a train derailment or a multiple air crash,
13:46it would be nice to be able to do one's bit to help.
13:50How public-spirited.
13:53Mother Teresa couldn't have put it better.
13:57Teacher's pet.
13:59And you, Mr Bishop, what brings you here?
14:02Oh, remarkably similar to Mr Shelley, actually.
14:05I worry about his health, too, you see.
14:08Some days, he's quite unable to get out of bed at all.
14:13Oh, dear.
14:15Still, it's probably just part of the ageing process.
14:21Now, I'll run through the basics of the course
14:24and then we'll do something practical.
14:27OK?
14:28Yes.
14:29Would you like me to clean the blackboard?
14:31Oh.
14:39Groves of academe.
14:44Just my little joke, Principal.
14:51Yes, yes, the paperwork should be with you
14:54in just a couple of mementos.
14:56Oh, patchy turnout, patchy.
15:00But still the usual problem, in my opinion.
15:03This place attracts far too many uneducated people.
15:10Right.
15:11Two minutes.
15:12So, let's recap some more.
15:18The purposes of first aid are anybody.
15:21Oh.
15:22One, to sustain life.
15:25Two, to prevent injury from getting worse.
15:28Three, to promote recovery.
15:30Correct again, Mr Shelley.
15:31He's a smart-ass, then.
15:40And, basically, what are the two categories of patients
15:45that are first aider?
15:46That's five in a row.
15:47It gives you a bonus point, Mr Shelley.
15:48Perhaps someone else would like to thank you.
15:53Oh, of course.
15:56Mr Bishop.
15:58Oh, oh, oh, um...
16:00Er, conscious and unconscious.
16:02And dead, if you're a faith healer.
16:05Very good, Mr Shelley.
16:07Oh, call me James, please.
16:08All my teachers do.
16:10Right.
16:10James.
16:12Now, as for the unconscious patient...
16:14Ah, artificial respiration and external heart compression.
16:18You do have a good memory.
16:19Well, you put it across so well.
16:22And, of course, I always like to do my homework.
16:25Oh, no, no.
16:28As for the unconscious patient,
16:30we'll be practising on an inflatable doll.
16:36But first, the conscious patient.
16:39Fractures.
16:40Cuts, burns, et cetera.
16:42And we'll start with bandages.
16:44Incidentally, anybody with any previous experience
16:47of things medical?
16:48I used to be a Boy Scout.
16:51For three days.
16:52And, er, although I didn't see an enormous amount of action,
16:56I mean, I wasn't on the front line, so to speak,
16:59but I was familiar with grazed knees,
17:01black eyes, abrasions, sprains,
17:04all the familiar wounds of that age group.
17:07And I felt it my duty to develop
17:09a certain facility.
17:11In fact, I once remember well how on manoeuvres...
17:14Yes, that sounds like an excellent story.
17:16Why don't you tell us in the break?
17:18What I'd like to do now, though, is some bandaging.
17:23If someone could help me pass them out.
17:24Of course, I shouldn't be doing this.
17:37I'm an administrator, not a caterer.
17:40Hearts and minds, cups and saucers.
17:43That's a job for the domestic science teacher.
17:45Though, in my day, with proper education,
17:48you've got dry sherry.
17:51You're just lucky that you don't have to unblock the bogs.
17:57Snotty cow!
17:58Well done, Mr Bishop.
18:08Very nice job.
18:10Thank you, Miss.
18:11Yes, it's a little unorthodox.
18:25Ah, well, it's a special Boy Scout knot.
18:28Stronger than it looks.
18:29Really?
18:29Oh, yes.
18:30Baden Powell used to tie his horse up with it.
18:34Ah.
18:36Well, very old, quiet, horsey, had, of course.
18:39Yes, why don't you go and partner Mr Bishop for a while?
18:43He seems to be a bit of a bandage buff.
18:46Does he?
18:47Ah!
18:48Ah!
18:49Ah!
18:51Oh, that'll need a big bandage.
18:53That's just the martial arts class.
18:55They don't need medical help.
18:56Except a brain transplant.
18:58I've met the instructor.
19:01Excuse me.
19:02It's a swap.
19:04Oh, it's Kildare of the Cubs.
19:06Life-saving and resurrection a speciality.
19:11OK, so I exaggerated a little.
19:13Always been interested in first aid.
19:15OK, so I exaggerated a lot.
19:16I saw you.
19:17I saw you.
19:18You couldn't even find the sticky bit of the elastoplast.
19:22I should stick to dinosaurs.
19:24Yeah, well, I'm not too hot on the bandaging side.
19:28I should start with the basics.
19:30Make a large gag and stuff it in your mouth.
19:32I think Miranda was very impressed by my general approach.
19:41Yeah, yeah.
19:41Perhaps she'll let you carry her chalk.
19:43Teachers like enthusiasm.
19:46That wasn't enthusiasm.
19:47That was recycled lust.
19:50Anyway, she was none...
19:52She was none too impressed with your abilities.
19:55My problem is the knots.
19:56I find knots too high-tech.
19:58But so handy if you come across a car accident
20:00or a train derailment
20:02or a multiple plane crash into a cross-channel ferry.
20:07You done?
20:08Oh, yes.
20:09All done.
20:10But Mr Bishop's in shock,
20:12so I might just have to slap him a couple of times.
20:15I mean, the whole course isn't bandages.
20:20No, that's true.
20:23Now, one use of bandages is to stop bleeding.
20:28But you can also stop bleeding
20:30by pressing the wound
20:31and holding the limb up.
20:36It's very useful to know.
20:38For example,
20:40people whose varicose veins burst
20:41just stand there
20:42and the blood pours away out of them
20:44till they find themselves
20:45standing in a puddle
20:46eight pints of blood deep.
20:55And they drop dead.
21:02No, I didn't give you the kiss of life.
21:06And neither did she.
21:09But she did stop me
21:10from throwing a bucket of water over you.
21:13Very professional.
21:14And shouting,
21:15Oi,
21:15and prodding me with your foot
21:16isn't in the manual either.
21:18Yeah, well,
21:20the class took a vote
21:21and we decided unanimously
21:22we'd prefer to practice
21:24on the inflatable doll.
21:27Its name's Ingrid, you know.
21:29No, I didn't
21:30and I don't think I'll be meeting her.
21:32Oh, why?
21:33Because I'm not coming again next week.
21:36If I faint every time blood is mentioned,
21:38a term of first aid
21:39will be the death of me.
21:40Besides, I'm not entirely convinced
21:43this is my subject.
21:45No, I think perhaps you're wise.
21:47How are you feeling now, James?
21:48Oh, fine, fine.
21:50I've been working very demanding hours.
21:54No time to eat.
21:55Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
21:56Mrs. Crouch said something
21:59about you only coming for this week.
22:01Well?
22:02I do hope you'll continue to come.
22:05The class wouldn't be the same without you.
22:08Oh, well.
22:09I certainly would be very sorry
22:11if you left.
22:12Oh, no, no.
22:13I shall be here next week.
22:14Never fear.
22:16First aid is in my blood.
22:19Good.
22:19I'm so glad.
22:21And perhaps next week
22:23you could tell us about your time
22:24in the Scouts.
22:28See?
22:29She's impressed by me.
22:30A woman of taste.
22:31Ah, Mr. Shelley.
22:33So it's true.
22:34You're staying.
22:35By popular demand.
22:37Oh, that is good news.
22:39Because the principle
22:40is very strict, you see.
22:42Principle?
22:43Once the numbers fall below nine,
22:45we have to close the class
22:46and, of course,
22:47lay off the teacher.
22:49Ah.
22:51See you next week, then.
22:52Ready for more blood and gore?
22:57Definitely a woman of taste.
22:59Give it time, Ted.
23:01Another couple of lessons
23:03and my charm will start to bite.
23:04You'll see.
23:06Once I've improved my knots.
23:09I should improve your biceps.
23:12Eh?
23:20I think I'm going to faint again.
23:22LAUGHTER
23:24APPLAUSE
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