- 13/05/2025
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00:00I
00:29dear Fran and Emma thanks for your tape Emma makes Canada sound very exciting
00:40thousands of miles of wilderness stretching to the Arctic Ocean here
00:46thousands of yards of wilderness stretch to the South Circular Road and no we
00:51don't have skunks in London we have slough instead I better speak quietly as
00:59I have a friend from the Gulf who's staying it's wonderful to share your
01:05flat with an old mate at least that's what he keeps telling me
01:10unfortunately he has several antisocial habits for a start he's American
01:16secondly he snores no snoring is an inadequate word for the sound he
01:22produces rather like a bull elephant passing wind into a megaphone
01:29if you can call in rent-o-kill to get rid of lodges anyway here comes the post so
01:38all for now
01:40as the postman brought a letter no a giant man-eating squid
01:53not again thanks a little character sketch by the way ah thought you were asleep I particularly liked the
02:03bit about rent-a-kill it's just that I've never shared anything with anyone who's
02:07actually more untidy than me loosen up shall you know my policy never do today
02:13which you could put off till tomorrow as you might die in the night that's true
02:17you could die in the night especially if you keep snoring
02:21sure why don't you look at that letter
02:23I've been invited to attend a job interview by an advertising agency
02:32my surprise what well I met this old friend of mine and see it was my fault you lost your last job I thought I'd get you a well-paid new one
02:41but advertising oh come on it's one percent inspiration two percent perspiration and ninety-seven percent bullshit
02:50it's your ideal career besides you've done it before
02:54won't work I have the right qualifications oh you have now I wrote you out a CV
03:01there's a photocopy of it somewhere well seeing as the table is covered in
03:06takeaway pizza shouldn't you be looking in the oven here
03:16James Shelley has a long and varied career in the top echelons of advertising
03:22okay it's an exaggeration he's a keen windsurfer hang glider and something of an
03:29expert at chess I had to make you sound exciting how do you think it would look
03:34too good hobbies sitting in an armchair doing sod off but to get you the
03:40interview I had to be a little flexible with the truth a little flexible with the
03:43truth you shall win the Nobel Prize for porkies Joseph Goebbels would have been
03:49proud of you Phil they'll find all this out I'll need a reference from my last
03:54employer read the last paragraph the advertising world was deprived of James's
04:02talents two years ago due to a family tragedy but he is now eager to return
04:09what family tragedy up to you I wouldn't want to make anything up
04:15yeah pick a tragedy an advertising man could sympathize with I lost my cane form
04:21for expenses my Porsche got scratched this won't work our culture well then it
04:27definitely won't work why not such a vocabulary loose on them we didn't used
04:33to call you the godfather of gab for nothing God knows I need the money who is
04:41that Carol she always knocks like a status quo drum solo I better make myself
04:48decent then why tempt the impossible oh Graham oh God you're like it's stunning this
04:58morning are we I think Phil was being deeply insincere to Carol rather than you
05:05someone broke into our car last night did either of you hear anything yes Phil's
05:11impersonations of Concord taking off produced entirely by his nose and throat
05:16what did they take virtually nothing just a road atlas and Jean-Michel Jarre CD we think the thief was
05:24probably disturbed deeply disturbed if he likes Jean-Michel Jarre don't you
05:31like him nice lasers shame about the song James probably prefers music written
05:36when he was young like Vivaldi what's this while in Los Angeles James set up a
05:48consultancy for exporters on the problem of product image in Europe good heavens
05:52James that's impressive I never knew you did that neither did you die I wrote it to give James a
05:59bit of help getting a job in advertising you mean the CVs all lies exactly oh well
06:06done James that's more like it a bit of initiative I see I get welcome to the
06:12ranks of yuppidom as soon as I turn crooked you're exaggerating again it's just that for
06:19there to be fair competition you have to cheat a bit yes that makes perfect sense to me he'll
06:25be all right the interviews on Monday I'm coaching them we should help I could give
06:30you a lesson I've just come back from this assertiveness course that deals with interview
06:34situations it's really useful when I want to know I can be really assertive provided Carol
06:40gives you the permission be nice and I might help you too you help it's a worthwhile investment of
06:49my time to ensure that my tenant becomes financially viable oh Carol sometimes you're such a big
06:54sentimental softy do I detect an indecent haste to recruit me for the shock troops of materialism it's just
07:03time you did something useful useful this isn't useful this is advertising these are the people
07:11who try to persuade you the British telecom executives spend long nights worrying about
07:16the connections of sweet old Scottish grannies that Milton Keynes is paradise on earth or that
07:23Margaret Thatcher is a deeply sensitive individual who spends most of her time secretly crying over lost
07:30puppies Shelley if you get this job it'll pay about 18,000 pounds a year when do we start the future
07:39is a high-speed plane with no pilot in the cockpit you must take the controls that's incredible change my
07:54life I want to rush out and start a successful business like you've got to take this seriously you
08:00see it's all about thinking pilot and not thinking passenger sounds like the plot from a disaster
08:06movie well when the man on the course said it it sounded really good you see there are the three P's you
08:12start off as a perceiver then you progress to being a practicer and finally a performer or do you
08:18know I think there's another P
08:24Pratt
08:26well I did know the man said that it was scientifically proven that 90% of success comes from attitude it's
08:36incredible he told us how when he was playing American football at college they kicked a chicken
08:40to death in the changing room to get in the right mood yes I can see that working at the stock market
08:46all those stock brokers arriving in their BMWs Doc Martins under their suits and chickens in their briefcase
08:54it'll be the Dow Jones is down call for more poultry of course that's the way for me to impress them at the
09:02interview murder a chicken while I'm still in the waiting room I'm not saying that he thought it was a good idea
09:07actually I think it's rather cruel in that case I'll use a frozen chicken or maybe not I might stub my toe
09:15you're not taking this seriously are you it all worked on the course there they had all these flashing lights and
09:21marching music okay I'll stand at the light switch you put on the ride of the Valkyries and you see what they're doing is standard brainwashing techniques
09:29it's like the cultural revolution in China or the Nuremberg rallies or the audience of the price is right
09:36I don't think I was brainwashed in fact I did rather well on the course well you would have I mean let's face it
09:45only take a quick rinse and spin to brainwash you it was very convincing at the time the man said that consciously
09:55or unconsciously all high achievers in history whether in business politics or the arts use this method
10:02I'm not sure I can see Leonardo da Vinci getting in the mood for painting the Mona Lisa by kicking a chicken round this table
10:09I think you're getting chicken obsessed the main thing is the peas you see it's quite simple
10:14oh god it's all your fault what I don't believe any of it anymore this means I have to go back on the course again
10:21you better talk to Carol
10:28the most important thing is to say a lot less where do you think you're going to get a job if you're insulting and cynical all the time
10:34editor of the Sun
10:37there you go trying to be clever if I was holding a job interview I certainly wouldn't give the job to someone who spent all his time being clever
10:44obviously they'd have to be stupid or they'd stand out from all the other estate agents
10:49well thank heavens I'm stupid like me and not clever like you since I'm the one who owns two flats a car under business
10:54what do you say to that
10:56my dad's a policeman
10:59she's right though Shelly you'll never get a job with all these wise ass remarks
11:03yes you have to learn to engage your brain before you put your mouth into gear
11:08I think we should start up a sort of swear box for wise cracks
11:12he has to put in a pound every time he makes one
11:14every time I haven't got that sort of money
11:18I'll need a loan from the World Bank
11:21one pound
11:22I hadn't agreed
11:24it'll help you get the job
11:27oh perhaps every time I open my mouth for more than five seconds
11:30I should get an electric current passed through my gonads
11:35excellent idea
11:37two pounds
11:40Carol Tapscott
11:43no Rupert it's the church that's been converted into a squash club the fish and chip shop becomes a solarium
11:49how nice
11:51yuppies frying tonight
11:55no
11:56just do what I told you
11:58it must be so exciting to be a leader
12:01to hold thousands at the sway of your little finger
12:04it is
12:05and those two make it four pounds
12:08she's here
12:10who is
12:11in addition to your lecturing team
12:13an ex-wife of mine
12:14that doesn't narrow it down a lot
12:16you've so many ex-wives they could form a football team
12:20yeah Shirley
12:21but only one living in England
12:22it's Donna
12:23and she will be a great help
12:24she works in public relations as an image builder for big corporations
12:28I feel like the Docklands
12:30ready for redevelopment
12:33hello Phil
12:34oh god you look fantastic
12:37why'd we ever split up
12:38wasn't it because you went for a dirty weekend with your dental hygienist
12:41that was supposed to be a rhetorical question
12:47lesson one never ask rhetorical questions
12:50exactly
12:51James Shelley
12:52you know all about him
12:53and this is Carol and Graham Tapscott
12:55so who am I going to transform
12:57should only take about half an hour
12:58me
12:59ah
13:00well let's allow a couple of hours just to be on the safe side
13:04I'm going to go briefly through all the major points then we'll go back on the difficult ones
13:17first appearance
13:32you have to fit in
13:34and you have to look as successful as they are
13:36now do you have a file of facts
13:37no
13:38so where do you keep all the information you need
13:40in an old shoebox under the bed of facts
13:43and for credibility you need to borrow this
13:48and these
13:50place them on the desk in front of you when you sit down
13:54BMW keys
13:55a useful status symbol
13:57much cheaper than buying the whole car
13:59now
14:01when they start talking
14:03look at their eyes
14:04or if that's awkward stare at their hairline
14:06they won't be able to tell the difference
14:08keep your hands in your lap
14:10and don't fidget
14:11and don't forget to wash behind my ears
14:14no
14:15but fingernails are important
14:17and your flies
14:19remember
14:20X
14:21Y
14:22Z
14:23examine your zipper
14:24you watch any government minister before any important engagement
14:29they always check that their flies are firmly closed
14:32pity it didn't work for Cecil Parkinson
14:36next your voice
14:40a lot of people mumble
14:42now it's very important when speaking to keep your mouth fully open
14:46so in your case keeping your mouth shut
14:48we had the same problem with Jeffrey Archer
14:53you've worked with him
14:56what's he like as a human being
14:59don't be ridiculous he's not a human being
15:02he's an android made by the smug corporation
15:05what's he really like
15:08he's an android made by the smug corporation
15:10next body language
15:13have you ever noticed for example
15:16how Mrs Thatcher in an interview prevents herself from being interrupted
15:19she passes a law banning the question
15:22well then she
15:25she does this
15:27you see it works
15:29now we better talk about what you're going to say
15:32oh surely that's not important
15:33I mean if they ask me a difficult question
15:35I'll just
15:36show them my clean fingernails
15:38and jangle my BMW keys
15:40the problem is that most people have all the attention span of an artichoke
15:44now you've got to compact your message into a memorable hook line
15:48tell me what your strengths are as a candidate
15:51well I'm a bit too old and
15:53I'm not really qualified
15:56and I'm not really the right type for
15:57no something positive
15:59well I once came third in an egg and spoon race
16:02I've all my own teeth and a relatively short criminal record
16:07oh come on Shelley there must be something
16:09no I think he's right there isn't
16:12look very well what you'll have to say is this
16:15I'm not a conventional candidate for this job
16:17but I think that's actually in my favour
16:19now be sure to mention this in the interview two or three times
16:22you have to understand
16:24job interviews they're like elections
16:26it's nothing to do with content
16:28they're just beauty contests
16:30how did Nigel Lawson get elected
16:33James of course has absolutely no idea of the importance of good public relations in modern politics
16:38oh no I think there's room for lots more
16:41I mean where's all the records during election time for instance
16:45lots of young Tories singing blue is the colour Nigel is the name
16:50or David Owen doing his version of me myself and I
16:55and then it could be free gifts
16:57for every two votes for Labour get a free coffee mug
17:00or for every mug who votes SDP get a free coffee
17:04and merchandising the SDP could do shower accessories
17:09Paddy Ashtown ones a dope on a rope
17:12and then there's advertising
17:15nine out of ten cats prefer Margaret Thatcher's photo in their cat tray
17:20or Neil Kinnock speeches sponsored by British Gas
17:23is he always like this
17:24no
17:25thank heavens
17:26at the moment he's making an effort to keep quiet
17:28should we pack it in now then
17:30tell me
17:31alright alright alright
17:32Mr Shelley will you go through now
17:57James Shelley pleased to meet you
18:12Ernie Beckett creative director
18:14Martin Cherston group head do sit down
18:21oh you've got a BMW too
18:23I never drive anything else
18:25what model
18:27the XRS
18:33the what
18:34it's a turbo injected hatchback coupe
18:37they're normally only sold in Germany
18:40but I had one shipped over
18:42how wonderful
18:44Martin's a Jaguar man
18:46BMWs they're so sort of German aren't they
18:49positively Teutonic
18:51now this CV you sent us
18:53I've been too busy to read it
18:55but let's have a look
18:56you've won a lot of awards I see
18:59so have you I should think
19:01remember the British pillock first class
19:04no James
19:07let's say anything
19:09just do like she said
19:11smile and stare at his hairline
19:14god I think he's wearing a toupee
19:17god I think he's wearing a toupee
19:22I noticed you haven't worked at advertising for two years on account of a family tragedy
19:27yes it was a wig loss
19:29a big loss
19:31my sister she was actually killed while we were shooting a safety at work commercial that I'd written
19:38how
19:40yes
19:41I hope you didn't lose the account
19:43no no they were very sympathetic
19:45in fact the publicity helped the campaign
19:48we should bear that one in mind
19:50now I hope you've fully recovered from this experience Mr Shelley
19:54we're too busy to hire any mental cripples
19:57oh no no it's left me much stronger
19:59I'm I'm able to cope with anything now
20:01I'm not really a conventional candidate for the job
20:04but I think that's actually in my favour
20:07good
20:08now what else
20:10there
20:11I've said my hook line
20:13now they've got to offer me the job
20:16then I can come in and work with this pair of prize pranied
20:20yes it's definitely a toupee
20:25maybe it's the scarf from his lobotomy
20:28I'm not sure how long I can keep this up
20:33you've some exciting hobbies I see
20:36hang gliding, windsurfing, chess
20:38yes
20:39oh
20:40what sort of board do you use?
20:41just a flat one with black and white
20:43I meant for windsurfing
20:47I see
20:48well long, thin, with sail
20:51I like a deep keel
20:53where I live
20:54the council are teaching the unemployed how to do it in one of the old docks
20:57sounds a good idea
20:58god no
20:59the thoughts of lots of grubby little d4s from council estates getting in on the act makes my hair stand on end
21:08what there is of it
21:10what?
21:11sorry it's still a minority sport
21:14personally I think
21:16enough of this down to business
21:17say we're pitching for a designer clothes label account
21:21what's your strategy?
21:23funny you should ask because I masterminded a breakthrough in that area while I was working in California
21:30really?
21:31yes why I said should we confine designer labels to clothing and accessories let's go into the household market I said
21:39so we introduced Christian Dior baked beans
21:44just like Heinz only with Christian Dior written on them in pale green and costing a pound
21:50per bean that is
21:52yes but the
21:54the
21:55Fiorucci pot noodles
21:57were of course a bit more expensive but then they did have the name hand tooled in every piece of pasta by Italian craftsmen
22:06as for the Lacoste dustbin liners and the Giorgio Armani mushy peas well they were
22:13you're making all this up aren't you?
22:15lying through my teeth
22:16do I get the job?
22:17you can't always be sure I mean sometimes you think an interview went really badly and then you find you got the job
22:26I'm relatively confident I haven't
22:29you never know
22:30I did end up calling one of the interviewers a lanky git with a toupee
22:36they might like someone with a bit of aggression
22:39Phil I was thrown out of the building by two security guards
22:42perhaps it's best not to build your hopes up too much then
22:47so at least I get some good news for you
22:49you're moving out
22:51I'm moving out
22:52really?
22:53yeah you know I've been seeing a bit of Donna
22:55well we decided to get back together
22:57poor Donna
22:58at least I get a job
23:00well at least I haven't got a job with
23:02blarney blather and bullshit or whatever they're called
23:06might have been about as happy there as Eddie Murphy at a Ku Klux Klan dinner
23:11you blew that interview deliberately didn't you?
23:16I had a bet on it with Graham whether you'd get the job
23:20oh I'm touched by your faith
23:21no I bet you wouldn't
23:23oh thanks
23:24don't mention it
23:25anyway it's uh
23:26it's compensation for losing the agent's fee I'd have got if they'd taken you on
23:30the what?
23:32well I found out they needed people badly and you were the only one I knew who'd done any advertising
23:37come on
23:38come on
23:39no hard feelings
23:40and I do appreciate you putting me up
23:42good
23:43and if you're ever stuck for somewhere to stay again
23:46oh Shelly
23:48phone the Salvation Army
23:50it's great
23:51well I can't hold back
23:52I don't know
23:53I can do no
23:54no
23:55no
23:57I can do no
23:59no
24:00I can do no
24:02no
24:03no
24:04no
24:05no
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