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00:19.
00:21.
00:23.
00:24.
00:25.
00:27.
00:30Anyway, so I said, I don't care if the nuclear waste train does run along the back.
00:36It's still worth 140,000.
00:39You okay, James?
00:44Sorry.
00:45You okay?
00:46Yes, yes, I just feel a bit tired.
00:49I, uh, I nodded off on the way home.
00:52You fell asleep on the train?
00:53No, on the escalator.
00:55Bit of a shock when I hit the bottom.
00:58My landing made Eddie the Eagle Edwards look like Nureyev.
01:02You look dreadful.
01:03Uh, are you sure you're not ill?
01:05Ah, I've just been working very hard.
01:07He is ill.
01:09I told you I've been working very hard.
01:12Of course you have.
01:13And the Pope's Jewish.
01:14Oh, look, there goes a flying pig.
01:17Carol, I have just spent the last two days working 17 hours a day
01:22as a relief tourist guide.
01:25Escorting a coach load of assorted foreigners around London.
01:28Among them 25 Yugoslavs, whose only three phrases of English
01:32are Bobby Charlton, Margaret Thatcher metal woman, and which way Cliff Richard.
01:37It makes for some pretty circular conversations, I can tell you.
01:41Also in my group are three Japanese who stopped the coach so they can photograph every traffic
01:47bollard and two brain-dead Texans who keep asking, when do we get to see St. Buckingham's Cathedral?
01:54Today, the coach broke down twice.
01:57The Yugoslavs demanded their money back in Madame Tussauds
02:00because the waxwork of Marshal Tito looked nothing like it.
02:04Personally, I thought all the waxworks looked like Marshal Tito.
02:07Then, to end our day, we paid a visit to that flowering urban miracle which is the Docklands.
02:13Pretty boring, until some of the Germans remarked that the Docklands look pretty much the same
02:18as when they flew over it with a Luftwaffe.
02:20Somehow, this got translated into Serbo-Croat and they followed a lively discussion
02:25about the Nazi occupation of Yugoslavia.
02:28Which meant we had to return home via the London hospital
02:31for the Germans to receive medical attention, while the police took the names and addresses
02:35of 25 Yugoslavs, all apparently called Bobby Charlton.
02:39And that is why I am totally and comprehensively knackered.
02:43Okay.
02:45Don't sound a particularly busy day to me.
02:47Well, that's up for a morning to work in our office.
02:50That's working as an estate agent. You don't have to use your brain.
02:54It's tough being an estate agent right now. The market's very depressed.
02:59So am I. I got no sleep last night, thanks to some moron's car alarm,
03:04which kept whooping away like a drug-crazed kookaburra.
03:07And tomorrow I am taking my United Nations delegation to view the wonders of Milton Keynes,
03:14departing 8am.
03:16And I won't survive the day unless I get eight hours solid sleep tonight.
03:20Well, we won't disturb you. We're off to stay the night with a business chum in Oxfordshire.
03:24Oliver. Real character. He's got a Harley Davidson motorbike, a big red speedboat
03:29and a black Porsche with flames painted down the side.
03:31He's got an enormous personality.
03:33And very small genitalia by the side.
03:36Come on, Graham. Shelley's about to begin one of his sneer-a-thons.
03:42Bye, James. See you tomorrow.
03:44Oh, God.
03:47Sorry?
03:48Oh, God. I've lost my keys. Oh, no.
03:51In the door.
03:53Ah.
03:54Ciao.
03:59Ah.
04:01There it is.
04:03The most beautiful word in the English language.
04:07Beth.
04:09B.
04:12E.
04:13D.
04:14I love you, Beth.
04:17Be mine forever, Beth.
04:21T.
04:24Must brush teeth.
04:26Brush teeth.
04:28Brush teeth.
04:30Brush teeth.
04:31Sod teeth.
04:33Oh.
04:34Oh.
04:35Oh.
04:36Oh.
04:37Oh.
04:38Oh.
04:42Oh.
04:43Oh.
04:45Hello.
04:46Mr. Tapscott.
04:48No, I'm not Mr. Tapscott.
04:50He doesn't live here.
04:51I do.
04:52And you are?
04:53James Shelley.
04:54Well, Mr. Shelley, I represent Home Deal Kitchen Design.
04:58This week, one of our design consultants is in your area, Mr. Shelley, and would be available
05:05for a consultation at any time convenient to you, Mr. Shelley.
05:08Thank you, but no.
05:09I see, Mr. Shelley.
05:11Well, may I point out, Mr. Shelley, that our consultants' quotation would be free and
05:15totally without obligation, Mr. Shelley.
05:17I'm not interested.
05:19Shall I send you a brochure, Mr. Shelley?
05:22What's your name?
05:23Janet, Mr. Shelley.
05:25Well, Janet, I'm incredibly tired, Janet, so please leave me alone, Janet.
05:32Otherwise, I shall feel compelled to visit Home Deal's warehouse and redesign all their
05:38kitchen units with a chainsaw, Janet.
05:41Thank you for your time, Mr. Shelley.
05:44As it happens, I'm very tired, too, but I still have to earn some money by spouting
05:48this garbage, Mr. Shelley.
05:50And it's not made any easier by rude, obnoxious gits like yourself, Mr. Shelley.
05:55Goodbye, Mr. Shelley, and I hope you die from a terrible disease.
06:02What a lovely telephone manner.
06:04She was probably Dr. Mengele's receptionist.
06:07Now, where was I?
06:09Ah, yes.
06:10In a jacuzzi with Kathleen Turner.
06:13Oh, no.
06:14There goes the kookaburra again, just like last night.
06:19Why do they make these things so sensitive?
06:22It's ridiculous.
06:23A leaf falls somewhere in Manchester and half the cars in London go whoop, whoop, whoop.
06:28Thank God for that.
06:34Oh, no.
06:35The local cats are humming a gangbang now.
06:37I don't believe it.
06:38What is it with cats?
06:39Why do they always try to get their end away on the top of dustbin lids?
06:54Perhaps they like the sense of danger.
06:57Oh, I can't believe Tom cats find that noise sexy.
07:04If I keep my eyes peeled, I bet I'll see some poor old Tom copulating away with his front
07:11paws over his ears.
07:14Good!
07:15Shut up!
07:17I think that one was Edith Piaf in A Form Of Life.
07:20What's the time?
07:24I've got to get some sleep.
07:27Got to get some sleep.
07:30Got to get...
07:32Got to...
07:33PHONE RINGS
07:35Hello.
07:36Mr Tapscott.
07:37I'm not Mr Tapscott.
07:39Oh.
07:40Um, well then who am I speaking to, please?
07:43Joseph Stalin.
07:45I see.
07:47Well, Mr Stalin, I represent...
07:50I've got to get some sleep.
07:54Now keep calm, Shelley.
07:55Don't get worked up.
07:56Otherwise you'll never get off to sleep.
07:59PHONE RINGS
08:01Oh, for God's sake!
08:04Right.
08:05A note on his windscreen, I think.
08:09Something formal and legal sounding.
08:13PHONE RINGS
08:14I know.
08:15Dear...
08:16Toe-rag.
08:17PHONE RINGS
08:18No, no, no.
08:19I can't possibly put that.
08:21It's far too conciliatory.
08:23Dear...
08:24GIT.
08:25PHONE RINGS
08:28You stopped.
08:30Oh, this is no use.
08:31I'm just getting myself worked up.
08:33I feel wide awake now.
08:34Desperate with exhaustion, but wide awake.
08:37I've got to unwind.
08:39Relax.
08:40As if I had read a bit.
08:43PHONE RINGS
08:46PHONE RINGS
08:49Ah.
08:50Serialisation of Geoffrey Archer's latest book.
08:53No, I don't think so.
08:55I want to get off to sleep, not descend into a coma.
08:58PHONE RINGS
09:00Ah.
09:01The mystery of sleep.
09:05What is it?
09:06Why do we need it?
09:08Some animals, like fish, never sleep.
09:11God, I bet that makes them irritable.
09:14No wonder they go around snapping each other.
09:18Any tips for getting off to sleep?
09:21Milky drink.
09:24That's an idea.
09:26Milky drink.
09:28Milky drink.
09:30Very soothing.
09:32Probably got some deep connection with breastfeeding.
09:36PHONE RINGS
09:37I don't know why you can't be breastfed all your life, really.
09:40PHONE RINGS
09:41Much more convenient.
09:42No more popping out to the shops for a pint of milk all the time.
09:45PHONE RINGS
09:46Just latch on to the nearest nipple.
09:47Where you going?
09:48PHONE RINGS
09:49Ah.
09:51Benilin-cough mixture.
09:54Knocks you out faster than Mike Tyson, this stuff.
09:57PHONE RINGS
09:58Keep out of the reach of children.
09:59Do not operate heavy machinery.
10:01Oh dear.
10:02And there was me planning to steal a bulldozer and drive it straight over Giles Brandreth.
10:07I shall have to do that tomorrow now.
10:09PHONE RINGS
10:10It should take effect soon now.
10:19PHONE RINGS
10:20A bit of soporific late night radio, perhaps.
10:26PHONE RINGS
10:27And what exactly is the nature of your sexual problem, Dennis?
10:33PHONE RINGS
10:34Well, I found myself experiencing a very strong sexual attraction.
10:39PHONE RINGS
10:40Mm-hmm.
10:41Well, it's perfectly natural to feel sexually attracted to someone.
10:43PHONE RINGS
10:44Well, that's the problem.
10:45I'm not attracted to someone.
10:46I'm attracted to some... thing.
10:49PHONE RINGS
10:50This sounds good.
10:52PHONE RINGS
10:53What sort of thing, Dennis?
10:54PHONE RINGS
10:55Well, it's a well-known household object.
10:57PHONE RINGS
10:58And that object is... well, it's... it's...
11:00Go on, split it out.
11:02PHONE RINGS
11:03Well, the household object is...
11:04PHONE RINGS
11:05Oh, no, the Benalyn's taking effect, then.
11:07PHONE RINGS
11:08This object I find I'm sexually obsessed with is...
11:12Oh, God.
11:13PHONE RINGS
11:14Well, thank you, Dennis, for your call.
11:28And again, there's two bits of advice out of stress.
11:31One is talk to your GP,
11:33and the other is always make sure it's switched off at the mains.
11:36PHONE RINGS
11:37Now, it's... it's coming up to midnight.
11:39Soon we'll be going over to the newsroom for the latest world headlines,
11:42and then we'd like more of your calls on sexual and emotional problems.
11:48PHONE RINGS
11:49I've only been asleep ten minutes.
11:51PHONE RINGS
11:52What is that?
11:54PHONE RINGS
11:55Right.
11:56Time for some strong, persuasive argument.
12:00Failing that, a Molotov cocktail through his letterbox.
12:12PHONE RINGS
12:13Can I help you?
12:18PHONE RINGS
12:19Yes, the music.
12:20PHONE RINGS
12:21Yes, magnificent, isn't it?
12:22So rich, so vibrant, so...
12:24PHONE RINGS
12:25Now, will you turn that racket down?
12:27PHONE RINGS
12:28It is not a racket.
12:29It's Tchaikovsky, and it's very evocative.
12:31PHONE RINGS
12:32You're right, of course.
12:33Yes, it's very evocative.
12:34PHONE RINGS
12:35There. See?
12:36It evokes in me the powerful mental image
12:38of a Tchaikovsky enthusiast
12:40lying in a pool of blood
12:42having been laid out by a brick.
12:44Understood?
12:46PHONE RINGS
12:47Just because Tchaikovsky went mad,
12:49there's no need for him to take us all with him.
12:51So keep it down!
12:53PHONE RINGS
12:59God, what's happening to me?
13:01I'm going mad.
13:03Me threatening people.
13:05The last person I threatened was Tommy Perkins,
13:08who stole my Lego.
13:09PHONE RINGS
13:10And he beat me up.
13:12PHONE RINGS
13:13Oh, it's all this tiredness.
13:15PHONE RINGS
13:16Don't have to turn anyone psycho.
13:18I bet if they kept Mother Teresa of Calcutta
13:22awake like this,
13:23she'd go round duffing up all the beggars.
13:26PHONE RINGS
13:27Any point.
13:29No point in getting steamed up.
13:32Won't achieve anything.
13:35Got to relax.
13:37Suffuse my body
13:39with serenity and calm.
13:42PHONE RINGS
13:43Serenity and calm.
13:48Serenity and calm.
13:50Serenity and calm.
13:52Oh, stuffed serenity!
13:55Right!
13:56Now, how do you make a Molotov cocktail?
13:59Cocktail!
14:01Oh, no.
14:30do I can still hear it. What should I try now? Stick my head down the lavatory pan,
14:38keep pulling the chain? Oh God, 20 past five, it's been going for nearly six hours. This
14:51is how they torture people in Northern Ireland. Get them totally exhausted, then keep them
14:55awake with high pitched noises. That's it. It's the only logical explanation. I've got
15:00a torturer for a next door neighbour and he's brought his work home with him. Oh, dear
15:06God, I know I've been an atheist all my life, so you probably think I've got a bit of a
15:11cheek, but please, please in thy divine mercy end this misery. Amen. Probably get struck
15:20down by a thunderbolt now, turned into a pillar of salt like Lot's wife. Poor old Lot. Fancy
15:27having to explain that to the in-laws. I'm divorcing your daughter on the grounds of irreconcilable
15:33differences. I'm animal, she's mineral. It's stopped. It's stopped. Don't get hysterical,
15:46Shirley. Keep a grip. Thank you, God, thank you. I'm sorry I laughed at the life of Brian.
15:52Thank you. It's stopped. I'm sane again. It's... It's stopped. It's stopped. Right! That's sick! I've got to do something. Call the police again? No. Just give me the same old flannel. We're trying to locate the keyholder, sir. The law does stipulate the keyholder should live within a half-hour's travelling time of the alarm, but in this instance, it's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not.
16:22It appears that the keyholder is a Kurdish tribesman in Afghanistan.
16:27Why doesn't Prince Charles do something about this environmental problem? Instead of banging on about carbuncles?
16:34All right for him, of course. I bet nothing wakes him up in the early hours of the morning.
16:39So maybe Princess Margaret coming home, tripping over the corgis and singing Melody.
16:45Oh, it's no use. It's time for the old Charles Bronson approach.
16:52Righteous indignation, coupled with mindless violence.
17:03Oh, of course. I should have guessed.
17:06It's Carol and Graham's alarm.
17:08They're away till tomorrow.
17:09Oh!
17:10Welcome to the night of the living dead.
17:12Oh, it's driving me insane.
17:15I've got an exam in the morning.
17:17Well, it's just going to go on ringing, I'm afraid.
17:19Unless...
17:23Well, we need a ladder.
17:27I'm failing that a long stick.
17:30Will this do?
17:34Right, now, listen.
17:36If anyone asks, you never saw me, I never saw you.
17:39Okay?
17:39Okay.
17:40One, uh, good prod should do it.
17:44What's our legal position if we're caught doing this?
17:47Not very good.
17:50It's called criminal damage.
17:53A serious offence.
17:55What exactly are you trying to achieve, sir?
17:57Well, officer, we were...
17:59This thing's been ringing incessantly for six hours now.
18:02We were just trying to disconnect it
18:03by prodding it
18:05with a stick.
18:08With all due respect, sir,
18:09you're not going to disconnect it
18:11by prodding it
18:12with a stick, are you, sir?
18:14No.
18:16No.
18:16You've got to give it a good whack.
18:21Like that.
18:24Oh, thanks.
18:26It's a great pleasure.
18:27You should see the time we waste on these bloody things.
18:30Cheerio.
18:33Oh, and if anyone asks,
18:35you never saw us.
18:36You never saw you.
18:37Okay.
18:38Okay.
18:40Aren't our policemen wonderful?
18:43The best in the world.
18:44Oh, God.
18:52Look at the time.
18:54Oh, I still ever get my head down now.
18:56I'll get about an hour's kip.
18:59That'll be something, I suppose.
19:01Okay.
19:03Try to relax.
19:05Think nice thoughts.
19:09Edwina curry in a concrete mixer.
19:12Now, there's a nice thought.
19:14I know.
19:15Think about that holiday in Crete.
19:18The warm breeze on your face.
19:21The sun setting over the Mediterranean.
19:25The soft, distant ringing of church bells.
19:29Wait a minute.
19:30I've got food poisoning on that holiday.
19:32I was so sick they had to call a priest.
19:34I'm getting distressed just thinking about it.
19:39Oh, no, I don't believe it.
19:40They're at it again.
19:42That's sex mad.
19:46New morality obviously hasn't reached that cat world yet.
19:49Go on.
19:52Get out of it.
19:54I'll fornicate outside David Attenborough's house.
19:57Go on.
19:58Shoot.
19:58This is ridiculous.
20:01I must sleep now.
20:04I've got a very difficult day tomorrow.
20:07I've got to find eight hours' worth of interesting things to say about Milton Keynes.
20:11Perhaps I could bullshit.
20:14The Battle of Milton Keynes took place in 1069 between the Normans and the Saxons who fought to the death for control of the leisure centre.
20:25Oh, go on.
20:29Hot dicks.
20:32What now?
20:33An RSPCA death squad.
20:36Will you stop throwing things around?
20:39It's very juvenile.
20:40Some of us are trying to get some sleep, you know.
20:41Just tell that to those cats that are singing the latest hits of Tchaikovsky.
20:46I'm going to report you to the authorities.
20:48Oh, go and boil your brain.
20:55Go and boil your brain.
20:59Not the wittiest bit of repartee I've ever come up with.
21:03Shows you how worked up I am.
21:04My brain's spinning like a top.
21:08Oh, it's no use trying to get to sleep now.
21:11Might as well start to get ready for the working day.
21:15It's God's fault.
21:18You should have fitted human beings with snooze buttons.
21:21Instead of all those pointless bits like...
21:25Cholson.
21:27Adenoids.
21:30Appendix.
21:42Bobby Charlton.
21:44Oh, Bobby Charlton.
21:46Bobby Charlton.
21:47Bobby Charlton.
21:49I'm sorry I'm not giving you a tip,
21:51but you were two hours late for the start of today's tour.
21:53Well, as Americans,
21:55you'd know all about being late for the start of things.
21:58So I bow to your judgment.
22:03What did you mean by that?
22:06Jeez, I don't know.
22:07Problem?
22:21Oh, just a tiny little hiccup.
22:23We've been burgled.
22:24The last night.
22:26No, at about three o'clock this afternoon.
22:29A neighbour saw them carrying out our TV.
22:31Didn't do anything to stop them, mind you.
22:33God, what a society we live in.
22:36No one lifts a finger as criminals wander in and out with your property.
22:40I blame television.
22:41Why?
22:42Because I just do, Graham.
22:44That's why.
22:44All right?
22:51Did they take much?
22:53The stereo, some jewellery.
22:54My wang.
22:55Oh, will you shut up about your bloody wang?
22:58They've ruined the carpet.
22:59And of course, as an open advertisement to the burglars,
23:02someone had disconnected the burglar alarm.
23:06Some brain-damaged, interfering, moronic, idiot-type imbecile
23:11actually disconnected it.
23:12I tell you, if I ever find out who it was,
23:16I'll tear them limb from limb and have the bits put through a blender.
23:21I don't suppose you heard anyone disconnecting the alarm, James?
23:25Well, Graham, Carol,
23:27to be 100% frank and totally and utterly honest with you,
23:31I...
23:32I...
23:34Yes?
23:34I slept like a log last night, didn't hear anything.