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00:00Right.
00:23There.
00:25A favourite ploy of Kasparov's, that is.
00:28Get out of that.
00:30Zap.
00:32Zap?
00:34Zap.
00:35Phil, this is a game of chess, not an episode of Batman.
00:42It's a game of the intellect, a game of subtlety.
00:46Both alien concepts, too, and American, I grant you.
00:50I expect American chess has 48 players on each side, 16 coaches,
00:55and a 10-minute timeout every time a pawn gets taken.
00:58Here we go.
01:00And hordes of mini-skirted bimbos waving pom-poms chanting,
01:05two, four, six, eight, we think Rook is really great.
01:08You move them now.
01:09I'm thinking.
01:10Right.
01:11I was wondering what that squeaking noise was.
01:15Don't attempt jokes, Phil.
01:17Americans have no sense of humour.
01:19Oh, come on.
01:20We elected Dan Quill vice-president, didn't we?
01:23True.
01:24Hmm.
01:25I'm out of whiskey.
01:26So am I now.
01:28You've drunk it all.
01:29I'll go to the off-licence while you decide on your next master's strategy.
01:33Hey, and, er, don't you try moving the pieces round while I'm gone?
01:40Move the pieces round?
01:41What does he take me for?
01:43I wonder if he'd notice.
01:46Sorry to bother you, James.
01:56Um, are you busy?
01:58I can come back another time if you'd rather.
02:01Why are you being so polite?
02:05It's some sort of trap, isn't it?
02:08No.
02:09No.
02:10It's just I need to talk to someone about something personal.
02:15Well, I'm not really sure I'm your man.
02:18I need to talk to someone who's, well, objective.
02:22Can I come in?
02:23Yes, of course.
02:32I'll come straight to the point.
02:33I'm pregnant.
02:38Pregnant?
02:40Yes, pregnant.
02:42I've no idea how it happened.
02:47Well, you see, what happens is the man and the woman.
02:51Very funny.
02:52I mean, I don't know how it happened.
02:55It shouldn't have been possible.
02:57Oh, I see.
02:58I'm going to sue the manufacturers.
03:01What are you getting so worked up about?
03:03You're pregnant.
03:05It's wonderful news.
03:07Is it?
03:08Yes.
03:09You can have a baby.
03:10That's fantastic.
03:12I think I'm in shock.
03:14It's very irritating.
03:16We'd scheduled our first baby for four years' time.
03:19This couldn't be a more inconvenient time.
03:22Ah, well, that's a well-known scientific fact.
03:25All to do with human biology.
03:26You see, conception only occurs at the time of maximum inconvenience.
03:33Look at the Virgin Mary.
03:36There she was.
03:38Busy helping Joseph build up his carpentry business.
03:42When along comes the angel Gabriel with the result of her predictor test.
03:46Her baby was even more unplanned than yours.
03:50And he turned out okay.
03:53I'll make a terrible mother.
03:55I hate kids.
03:56Nasty, noisy little things that scratch the paintwork on your Volvo.
04:01What if it's a horrible little brat?
04:03What if it's ugly?
04:04You see some incredibly ugly children.
04:07What if it's a delinquent?
04:08I mean, you can't take it back, can you?
04:10You get what you're given.
04:12I bet we get a bad one.
04:14Well, in my opinion, it doesn't quite work like that.
04:18Basically, kids are all both good and bad.
04:21They're all the same.
04:23Half angel, half Vlad the Impaler.
04:26Oh, thanks a bunch.
04:28But to you, it'll always be an angel.
04:30Believe me.
04:32From the moment you have the baby, you'll find you're transformed
04:35from a hard-faced, ruthless tyrant
04:39into a gooey, fawning mess.
04:43Believe me, it's a fantastic experience, Carol.
04:47I don't want to be a gooey, fawning mess.
04:49And there's the expense.
04:51Babies are expensive.
04:54Well, think of it as an investment.
04:56I mean, when you're old, your child can support you financially.
05:00It's like a pension.
05:02Yes, but you don't spend five years teaching a pension
05:04how to use a toilet, do you?
05:07Hang on.
05:11Now, look.
05:13This is what it's all about.
05:16See?
05:18A beautiful newborn baby.
05:20See?
05:22I took that minutes after Emma was born.
05:25See, she's breastfeeding already.
05:27Isn't that the most wonderful thing?
05:29Your wife looks half-dead.
05:31No, that expression is, um, euphoria.
05:36She's ashen.
05:38Hospital lighting.
05:39How long was she in labour?
05:40I can't really remember now.
05:42How long, roughly?
05:44Well, a little longer than average, perhaps.
05:46But, I mean, it just flashes by.
05:48How long?
05:5039 hours.
05:52What?!
05:53You certainly won't take that long.
05:56Well, almost certainly.
05:58Well, as highly unlikely I'd say, well, anything's possible.
06:02Look at Emma's eyes.
06:04They're wide open.
06:05I can't even take the slightest pain, you know.
06:08And it is very painful, isn't it?
06:11Well, the pain is...
06:13Well, you don't notice it because of the ecstasy.
06:16Really?
06:18Really.
06:20It's a wonderful experience, Carol.
06:21We shouldn't run out again.
06:25Oh, hi, Carol.
06:26On the street.
06:30Are you okay?
06:31You look a bit grim.
06:33I'm pregnant.
06:35Hey, congratulations!
06:37Isn't it fantastic?
06:39I've just been telling her what a marvellous experience childbirth is.
06:42Oh, I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
06:45Been through it four times with three different wives.
06:49Two of them his.
06:52That's right.
06:54Two sons and two daughters.
06:56And let me tell you, the first one is always special.
06:59I'll never forget seeing little Susie's head appear.
07:02It was fantastic.
07:04And the midwife was so good.
07:05I mean, she was so calm and collected, you know.
07:08Even when my wife started thrashing around screaming,
07:12Cut this thing out of me now!
07:17Oh, it's a marvellous thing to go through.
07:21Oh, brilliant.
07:23She's gone into a catatonic trance now.
07:26I was just describing the birth.
07:28You made it sound like one of Jack the Ripper's murders.
07:31Couldn't you have spared us the details?
07:34I didn't mention the blood.
07:35Blood?
07:37Sure.
07:38They had to redecorate the whole room afterwards.
07:40I think I'm going to be sick.
07:43So do I.
07:45You two guys are really squeamish, aren't you?
07:48Listen, Carol, don't worry, James is right.
07:49You won't regret it.
07:51Kids are the most fantastic thing that can happen to anyone.
07:53There. See?
07:55I mean, you get so much joy out of them.
07:57I mean, all right, so they're a bit of a massive drain on your finances.
08:02And you don't really get any sleep for years.
08:04And, well, you don't get time to yourself anymore.
08:07And, well, they can't put a bit of a strain on your relationships
08:09and put a total stop to your sex life, but these are little things.
08:15Kids are great. Believe me.
08:18Right.
08:20Well, if you two have stopped reassuring me now,
08:23I think I'll just go back to the flat and scream for six hours.
08:26Tell me, does the concept of tact exist in America?
08:31You know what terrifies me most of all?
08:35The fact that this thing...
08:38Well, it's going to be a person, really, isn't it?
08:42This baby will be a thinking human being.
08:47Can't be Grahams, then.
08:49With needs and emotions and a complex personality.
09:00Definitely isn't Grahams.
09:02And I just don't think I'm fit to be a parent.
09:06Oh, Carol.
09:08Listen.
09:10Of course you're not fit to be a parent.
09:13Who is?
09:14I mean, is Margaret Thatcher fit to be a parent?
09:16Is George Best fit to be a parent, for that matter?
09:20Am I fit to be a parent?
09:22No.
09:24No, I see what you mean now.
09:26Oh, my God, there's Grahams.
09:28Now, he definitely isn't fit to be a parent.
09:30Oh, come on.
09:32He's desperately immature.
09:33No, he's not.
09:35Well, yes, he is.
09:37I mean, of course he is.
09:39He's almost retarded, but...
09:41Listen, I'm sure once you tell him he's going to be a father,
09:44he'll find he'll grow up very quickly.
09:47Are you sure?
09:48You better go and tell him.
09:55You don't believe all that crap, do you?
09:57Why not?
09:59Babies bring out the best in people.
10:01Before we had Emma, I was just an impossible, selfish time-waster.
10:06And you reckon fatherhood will make Grahams a person of gravity?
10:09Why not?
10:11I think he may well respond in a way that's surprisingly mature.
10:15Yahoo!
10:16I'm a dad, I'm a dad, I'm a dad!
10:18I'm a dad!
10:19I'm a dad, I'm a dad, I'm a dad!
10:21I'm a dad, I'm a dad, I'm a dad, I'm a dad!
10:28Yep.
10:30Yep, that's a pretty mature response.
10:34Yes, well, it is for Grahams.
10:36How's Grahams adapting to impending fatherhood?
10:58Not too well.
10:59He keeps blathering on about natural birth.
11:03He's been reading books about it.
11:05You know, have your baby in a giant bowl of muesli.
11:10That's the kid I feel sorry for.
11:12Why, the kid will have a great time.
11:14Imagine being a five-year-old and having a dad who's got the same mental age as you.
11:19It would be like having a twin brother who's got his own wheels and a credit card.
11:25What are they doing?
11:26It's a British Rail staff training program.
11:30Well, they're moving much too quickly for that.
11:35Look at that. One mile in five minutes, 49 seconds.
11:39Pretty brill, eh?
11:41Tripp.
11:42Better keep fit from becoming a dad.
11:44Still can't get over it, you know.
11:46Me, my father.
11:47Unbelievable, isn't it?
11:49Totally incredible.
11:51It wasn't planned, you know. It just happened.
11:53I suppose my sperm must be particularly strong swimmers.
11:55You should answer them for a barber.
11:58I can't wait for the baby.
12:00I'm gonna call him Dominic.
12:02Dominic?
12:04Yes, Dominic.
12:06Quick, Phil, phone the NSPCC.
12:08Dominic Gerard.
12:10Oh, my God.
12:12Where are you two off to?
12:13I was thrashing James at chess, so to break my concentration, he suggested a walk and a cup of coffee.
12:19Can I join you?
12:21If you promise not to prattle on like you did yesterday.
12:24All I said was the placenta is a wonderful thing.
12:27You wait till you see one.
12:29And apparently there's this new method which is very rewarding emotionally, whereby the parents, after the birth, they eat the placenta.
12:36Will you shut up about placentas?
12:39Dear God, are we gonna have another nine months of this?
12:43Well, it's fascinating.
12:45The actual experience of a new person coming into the world.
12:48I'm trying to talk Carol into natural birth.
12:51You know, no drugs, painkillers or anything.
12:53What does Carol say?
12:54She says she wants an epidural.
12:56One that doesn't wear off for 40 years.
12:59But I think she's still in shock.
13:01She's not as excited about the birth as me.
13:03Look, Graham, the birth is just one day.
13:06A baby is for life.
13:08Isn't that funny?
13:09That's exactly what it said in one of the books.
13:12A baby is for life.
13:14I think it was in How to Be a Perfect Parent.
13:16Or was it Zen and the Art of Parentcraft?
13:20I've read them all, you know.
13:21The A to Z of Parenting.
13:23Practical Parenting made easy.
13:25Parenting for beginners.
13:26God, I hate that word.
13:28Parenting.
13:30What is this horrible trend for taking perfectly good nouns
13:34and turning them into very ugly verbs?
13:37Parenting, what next?
13:39The Art of Grandmothering.
13:42Uncling made easy.
13:46Perhaps our beloved monarch should write a book entitled
13:49Practical Queening.
13:52See, the thing is, I want to be the best parent ever
13:55in the history of the universe.
13:57Basically, I don't want to repeat the sort of mistakes my father made.
14:01What mistakes did your father make?
14:03Well, he had him, for instance.
14:07My father was, well, he was a very remote sort of man,
14:10with very high standards, which he was always imposing on me.
14:13Always pressurising, always pushing, pushing.
14:15It's lucky I'm so mentally resilient, otherwise I could have turned out a real mess.
14:19I've learnt some amazing facts in these books.
14:23For instance, did you know that some scientists believe that a person's intelligence is acquired in their first three years of life?
14:29Hard to believe, isn't it?
14:30Not from where I'm sitting.
14:33Personally, I think it's more likely that a person's makeup is inherited from his parents.
14:39I'm sure you're right, Graham.
14:41No doubt your child will be blessed with Carol's sensitivity and your brains.
14:45Thanks, Phil. I'm sure he will.
14:49Might be a girl.
14:51No, it's a boy. I just know it's a boy.
14:53Alright, alright, so it'll be a boy.
14:55A neurotic little boy.
14:57He won't be neurotic.
14:59He will if you call him Dominic.
15:01What's wrong with Dominic as a name?
15:03Well, it's...
15:05What's the word I'm looking for?
15:07Ponzi.
15:08That's the one.
15:10Dominic is not a Ponzi name. It's distinguished. Do you hear? It's not Ponzi.
15:12Alright, alright, we're sorry.
15:15You're a bit wound up today.
15:17I'm sorry, I am a little scratchier.
15:20I only got four hours sleep last night.
15:22Ah, well, you better get used to that.
15:24Sorry?
15:26That'll be the norm once the baby's born.
15:28Most babies sleep through the night after a few months.
15:32Don't they?
15:35My first didn't sleep more than five hours a night for two years.
15:39But that isn't typical, is it?
15:40My second would sleep eight hours.
15:43There, you see?
15:44But only in the daytime.
15:46Emma used to sleep a total of ten hours.
15:50Right.
15:51In 45-minute bursts.
15:53Each separated by a one-hour burst of screaming,
15:57which made Concord sound like Marcel Marceau.
16:01Fran and I were total wrecks.
16:03Couldn't think, couldn't concentrate.
16:04But I need to concentrate in my job.
16:09Things happen so quickly in the city.
16:10I know, you bend down to tie up your shoelaces.
16:13While you're not looking, the Japanese by Nigel Lawson turned him into a luxury hotel.
16:19But I need to look alert, effective, professional.
16:23Yeah, well it'll be hard to look professional with baby vomit on your shoulder.
16:28What do you mean?
16:30All new dads have permanent baby vomit on their shoulder.
16:33It's part of the uniform.
16:35But I have to look presentable.
16:37I negotiate with people. High-powered negotiations.
16:39Ah, well, that'll be another problem.
16:42Yes, you see, you'll find the baby will affect your speech patterns.
16:46You'll be unable to hold an adult conversation.
16:50Your negotiating technique will sound something like this.
16:54I don't think I want to sell those Eurobonds for less than three million, do I?
17:00No, I don't think I do.
17:02No, I don't.
17:04No, I don't.
17:06I won't end up talking like that.
17:09Definitely not.
17:11Not me.
17:13What should we do now?
17:15Well, we are going back to resume our game of chess.
17:18Can I watch?
17:19Only Carol's gone shopping.
17:20And I've always been interested in chess ever since I saw the musical.
17:26Can I come along? I won't get in the way.
17:31Check.
17:32Told you.
17:33Graham!
17:34Don't sit over there.
17:36I know.
17:37Have a look at that lot.
17:38That should keep you quiet.
17:40Baby photos.
17:41Brill.
17:43This must be little Emma, right?
17:44Breastfeeding.
17:51You'll find your attitude to breasts changes once you become a dad, Graham.
17:55That's right.
17:57Breasts cease to be mysterious objects of desire and become a very functional pair of silencers.
18:08What's that on your shoulder?
18:10Vomit.
18:11You see, Graham, what you've got to remember about babies is that every orifice is on permanent red alert.
18:21Just when you think you've got one covered, it comes flying out of the other one.
18:25What?
18:27Whap.
18:28Whap.
18:29Exactly.
18:31Emma looks older in this one.
18:33What's that mark on her knee?
18:34Well, that's where a dog bit her.
18:37God, it gave me such a fright I rushed her to hospital.
18:39Was she okay?
18:40Oh, yes.
18:41But they kept me in overnight.
18:43But I was in a state.
18:44I know there's bound to be a lot of worry.
18:49I suppose the early years can be especially difficult.
18:52Puberty is the worst part.
18:53God, puberty.
18:55You wait till your Dominic hits puberty.
18:58He'll start sprouting hair and fancying Blue Peter presenters.
19:03Then it's adolescence.
19:05The wilderness years.
19:07They just vegetate on the couch saying,
19:10Yeah, nah, why should I?
19:12Mope around squeezing their spots in the mirror.
19:16Were your boys like that?
19:19That's the girls.
19:21Don't pay any attention to him, Graham.
19:23He's no expert.
19:25He is to fatherhood what Norway is to the Eurovision Song Contest.
19:31What you've got to remember about kids is the first 30 years are the worst.
19:35From then on, it's plain sailing.
19:39I'm not sure I'm ready for all of this.
19:41I'm not ready at all.
19:42I'm feeling panicky.
19:44Oh, God.
19:45Oh, you'll be fine.
19:47All dads-to-be feel like that.
19:49Do they?
19:50Yes, you'll be fine.
19:52Yes, I'll be fine.
19:54No problem at all.
19:56No problem.
19:57No sweat.
19:58No sweat.
19:59Scotch?
20:00I thought you might be here.
20:01Can you give me a hand with the shopping?
20:03Sure.
20:04We've been talking babies.
20:05Oh, now there's a turn-up.
20:06Oh, and don't worry, Carol.
20:07There's not going to be a problem.
20:08And everyone feels this way.
20:09I'll cope.
20:10No sweat.
20:11Even when he sprouts hair and fancies the girl in Blue Peter.
20:12Graham, can we go in the flat, please?
20:13We need to chat.
20:14Right.
20:15Oh, and don't worry about eating the placenta.
20:16I was never really keen on that.
20:17I do wish he'd stop mentioning that.
20:20Graham, come on.
20:21Oh, I'll be fine.
20:22Oh, OK.
20:24Even when he sprouts hair and fancies the girl in Blue Peter.
20:27Graham, can we go in the flat, please? We need to chat.
20:31Right. Oh, and don't worry about eating the placenta.
20:34I was never really keen on that.
20:37I do wish he'd stop mentioning that.
20:40Graham, come on.
20:42Oh, and I won't feel differently about your breasts.
20:45What?
20:47You know, after the baby.
20:49There isn't going to be a baby.
20:53There is no baby.
20:57But...
20:58It was a false alarm.
21:01The test...
21:02Was wrong.
21:03And this time I'm definitely suing the manufacturers.
21:07So, no baby?
21:10No baby.
21:14Are you relieved?
21:16Good Lord, no.
21:17Why should I be relieved?
21:18No, bitterly disappointed.
21:21Bitterly.
21:21I'm sorry, Carol.
21:24I'm not.
21:25Not sorry at all.
21:27I didn't want the thing.
21:28Not now.
21:28What do I want a baby now for?
21:30Destroying my career plan,
21:32ruining my clothes,
21:33and chaining me to the washing machine.
21:34No thank you.
21:35Who needs it?
21:38Come on, then.
21:39Let's go.
21:40Yes, let's.
21:41I don't want to miss the money programme.
21:42Chow.
21:45Chow.
21:49Why is it that only dorks use the word chow?
21:54Dorks?
21:55Dorks.
21:56Plural of dork.
21:57It's American for prat.
22:00Oh, right.
22:03Carol's left some of her shopping.
22:04Dorks.
22:06Dork.
22:08I like that.
22:11Shame about the baby.
22:13Still, at least she didn't seem too upset about it.
22:16You don't think she was upset about it, do you?
22:19No.
22:21I expect she bought all these for a friend.
22:24Oh, baby clothes, huh?
22:26How much has she bought?
22:27Entire stock of mother care, by the look of...
22:30So, beneath that exterior of granite beats a heart of...
22:35Well, sort of soft, quite nice...
22:38Granite.
22:40I don't know.
22:42A bit hard to take on board, isn't it?
22:45Carol.
22:47Having a tender side.
22:49I always pictured her as a Dalek in a dress.
22:55Poor Carol.
22:56Did you see the look on Graham's face?
22:58Oh, I know.
22:59More relieved than mafficking.
23:03I don't think I'll, uh...
23:05Pop those across to Carol just now.
23:07Might spoil her Iron Maiden routine.
23:11I'll give them to her tomorrow.
23:13In that case, let's play.
23:15I'm about to whip your ass, boy.
23:17Rubbish.
23:18I've been giving this move a lot of thought.
23:21And, quite frankly, my colonial friend...
23:24I think you'll find it's going to have you in all sorts of trouble.
23:27There.
23:29Checkmate.
23:30What?
23:32Checkmate.
23:34Checkmate?
23:35Uh...
23:35Tea?
23:39Why not?
23:40Who will be mother?
23:41I'll be there.
23:48I'll be there.
23:59What?
23:59I'll be there.
24:00This is gonna be...
24:01What?
24:02improve nuestra perf Howard?
24:02Duyate to hear better.
24:03I'll be there.
24:04We'll be there.
24:05I'll be there.
24:05Don't be there.
24:05You'll be there.
24:06I can't believe that.
24:06To be there.
24:07To be there.
24:07I'll be there.
24:08I'll be there.
24:08I'll be there.
24:08I'll be there.
24:09There, all the, bar.