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00:32Working hard, I see.
00:34Mm.
00:35What's the news then?
00:36How would I know? I'm reading The Sun.
00:38Well, there must be something in it.
00:41Oh, yes, pictures of Edwina Curry dressed as a pineapple.
00:45Incredible photos that prove Hitler's alive.
00:48Even more incredible photos that prove Geoffrey Howe's alive, too.
00:52What else?
00:53A competition to win the Queen Mum's surgical support.
00:57And a fearless piece of investigative journalism
01:00revealing Maria Whittaker
01:02takes a .38 C cup, not a .38 D.
01:06And Prince Charles denouncing another monstrous carb uncle,
01:11presumably one of Fergie's dresses.
01:13One of these days, Shelley, you'll say something sensible.
01:18I'm going now. Can you manage on your own?
01:21Oh, I don't know.
01:22I could be rushed off my feet by the wild pressing throngs
01:26of stampeding customers.
01:28All right, all right, so we don't get a lot of lunchtime trade
01:31on Saturdays.
01:32We don't get a lot of trade at all.
01:34Never realised I'd be lonely doing this job.
01:37It's like being a lighthouse keeper.
01:40This must be the only pub
01:42where working barmen regularly ring the Samaritans.
01:45Just shut up and polish some glasses.
01:49See you later.
01:50Now, where was I?
02:00Three letters, the opposite of cold, beginning with H.
02:06Not exactly intellectually demanding, is it?
02:10Man who runs the newspaper.
02:13Six letters ending in R.
02:16Plonker?
02:18No, too many.
02:21Editor.
02:23I think Plonker's closer.
02:25What do you want?
02:27Nothing, thanks. I don't drink.
02:29You just come here for the company, do you?
02:32What I'd like to do is ask you a question.
02:35Do you think a man can live happily on his own without friends?
02:40Absolutely.
02:42Oh, you're the first person that's ever said that.
02:45Do you really think that?
02:47No, it's just that my religious nutter alarm went off.
02:50I thought you were about to tell me that Jesus was the best friend anyone ever had.
02:55Oh, but he is, you see.
03:00When people accept Jesus into their hearts, peace and happiness abound everywhere.
03:05Yes, I've noticed that in Northern Ireland.
03:09Religion is such a unifying force.
03:11I mean, you've only got to look at Ian Paisley and the Church of the Holy Pickaxe Handle.
03:16Our church isn't like that.
03:18We may be called the Christian soldiers, but we believe in love and fellowship.
03:22The Christian soldiers? You're the real extremists, aren't you?
03:26You make the Inquisition look like the Boy Scouts
03:29and you were in the paper this week for kidnapping someone who tried to leave.
03:33There will always be false witnesses against us.
03:36The devil walks abroad in Fleet Street.
03:38I thought he lived there.
03:40Really. I'd give up on me as a hopeless sinner.
03:44My patron saint is St Thomas the Doubter.
03:47Unless they've canonised St Wogan as patron saint of bullshitters.
03:51Honestly, I'm not worth the effort.
03:53But you are.
03:54Jesus offers us a chance of eternal bliss.
03:56But if we turn him down, we condemn ourselves to hell.
03:59And do you know what hell is like?
04:01I've a rough idea. I've been to Milton Key.
04:04My friend, you'd be a much happier person if, instead of mocking,
04:08you spent more time reading the Bible.
04:10I have.
04:11I was once trapped at an airport for two days
04:14and the only books I could get hold of were the Bible or a Geoffrey Archer.
04:19So you read the Bible?
04:21That's a very stupid question.
04:24And you still don't think it's believable?
04:26Well, it's more believable than Geoffrey Archer.
04:29Oh, the modern version. May I borrow it?
04:32Oh, it's all right. Don't look at me like I'm Damien.
04:35I'm going to turn into a bat. Fly off with it.
04:39Every word of that is truth, you know.
04:41Hmm.
04:42Including the second book of Kings.
04:45Chapter 2.
04:47Elisha left Jericho to go to Bethel and on the way some boys came out of a town and made fun of him.
04:54Get out of here, Baldy, they said.
04:58Elisha turned round, glared at them and cursed them in the name of the Lord.
05:02Then two she-bears came out of the woods and tore 42 of the boys to pieces.
05:08Word for word.
05:11Perhaps it's a misprint.
05:13This is the Bible, not the Guardian.
05:16I agree, you would have expected a more positive approach.
05:20A fiery chariot descending from heaven, bringing Elisha a celestial toupee.
05:26But instead he sends the bears.
05:28Why is God so sensitive about baldness?
05:30Could it be the Almighty himself wears a rug?
05:34Immortal, invisible and bald as a coot.
05:38But even so, sending bears to maul children?
05:41I don't want to believe in a God like that.
05:43He sounds too much like Norman Tebbit.
05:46Well, perhaps if...
05:47Another thing I never understood.
05:49Genesis.
05:51Apart from why God ever created Belgium.
05:53What about Eve and the apple?
05:55Half a bit of Ted.
05:57God's all powerful, right?
05:59Yes.
06:00He foresees into the future, right?
06:03Yes.
06:04So why does he stick the apple tree in the garden if he knows Eve is going to eat the apple?
06:09Was it a mistake by his landscape gardener?
06:12Why do it if he knows it's going to cause all that trouble?
06:15Because he doesn't like mankind and wants to bugger him about.
06:19Exactly.
06:23Exactly.
06:24That's the only possible explanation.
06:26God, the divine, practical joker.
06:28On the sixth day, he creates mankind.
06:31On the seventh, he creates the whoopee cushion.
06:34Even man's basic design's a joke.
06:37Let's face it, as an inventor, God ranks with a man who built the Sinclair C5.
06:42He creates males so that the most sensitive part of their anatomy is on the outside.
06:49In an ideal position to be hit by footballs.
06:53And small children wielding blunt objects.
06:57He sticks the Jews and the Palestinians on the same tiny piece of land which is just asking for trouble.
07:03He even creates a race so stupid they actually elected George Bush president.
07:08He must be up there in heaven laughing himself silly.
07:13Let's face it, life's an eternal version of candid camera.
07:17I'm always waiting for God to stick his head below the clouds and shout,
07:21Only joking!
07:23All right, all right.
07:24But if there isn't a good God, how do you explain the birds and the trees and the flowers?
07:29If there is a good God, how do you explain the bubonic plague, pot noodles and Nicholas Ridley?
07:34Read this and tell me the earth was created by someone sensible.
07:40The only possible explanation is that God did it as a giggle.
07:44But you don't have a joker in charge of things.
07:47I don't know, what about Neil Kinnock?
07:49But you must have some belief.
07:53What's your philosophy of life?
07:54Hold on to your friends, remember there's people worse off than you and always, before you take your trousers down, check to see there's a toilet roll on the holder.
08:04That and never end up so poor you have to take a weekend job in a pub. Now, what are you having?
08:11Oh, nothing.
08:16I'm all confused now.
08:22Lions one, Christians nil.
08:29Another white hair.
08:30Well, of course, such cosmetic, insubstantial things are of no importance to me.
08:39Is that another one?
08:41They're all in the same bit.
08:44I'll end up white on top and black round the edges.
08:47I look like a penguin.
08:49Or a nun.
08:51Or someone who's had a pigeon crap on his head.
08:55Perhaps it's divine retribution.
08:59Is God going to punish me?
09:01Yes, he is. He's sent Carol.
09:10Hello, James.
09:12How's the pub job going?
09:14Not drinking the prophets, I hope?
09:16One small tomato juice and you'd have drunk the prophets from that place.
09:19There were only two people in there.
09:20One of them was a religious nutter trying to convert me.
09:24Convert you? What to?
09:26You already have natural gas.
09:29Christianity.
09:31Oh, that.
09:33I'm too busy for religion.
09:35I can see why there's problems with such rich estate agents like you getting to heaven.
09:40Unless, of course, you're good at getting camels through the eye of a needle.
09:45I have a very good blender.
09:48Now, the reason I've come round is because I've got a petition I want you to sign.
09:51I didn't think you were the petitioning type.
09:54What is it? Solidarity with Chilean estate agents?
09:57Free the stockbroker seven, let the whales live but not near us because they'll bring down the property prices?
10:04Just because you don't have any.
10:07So it is about that?
10:08It happens to be about an old school they're turning into a hostel for homeless youths.
10:13We're not against it in principle, we just think it should go somewhere else.
10:18Like the Gobi Desert.
10:20We thought tooting.
10:22I wasn't far out then.
10:24I'm sorry Carol, you'll have to manage without my signature.
10:28You'll regret it.
10:29I hardly think homeless youths are that terrifying.
10:34No, but I can be.
10:36Hello James.
10:38There was a friend of yours looking for you, so let him in.
10:40What friend?
10:42A chap in a combat jacket.
10:43That's not a friend, that's my personal loony Graham.
10:46Tell him I'm not here, tell him anything.
10:49Tell him I'm dead.
10:51Hello.
10:53Shelly's dead.
10:55Well done Graham.
10:57I've decided you were right about God, so I have to talk to you.
11:01Come on in.
11:03You must be the religious nutter.
11:04And thank you Carol.
11:08And thank you Carol.
11:09I'll be right back.
11:10I'll be right back.
11:34How did you get my address?
11:35the landlord at the pub told me
11:37said something about it serving you right
11:40look
11:40I only want to talk
11:43that's what's worrying me
11:44you see after I left you I started thinking
11:46and it dawned on me the Christian soldiers
11:48don't make any sense you were right
11:50I want to follow your philosophy
11:52that wasn't philosophy
11:54that was just verbal incontinence
11:57no James
11:59I think you should face up to your responsibility
12:01as a great spiritual leader
12:03if only I'd realised
12:05we had a prophet living under our roof
12:06it's Buddha, Mohammed and now Shelley
12:09she's right
12:11she can't just duck out of it
12:12I realise now they took advantage of me
12:15when I was a bit of a mess
12:16that's what they teach you you see
12:18when you're out converting
12:19to look out for the forlorn and hopeless
12:21you tried to convert me
12:27hardly surprising
12:29that was before I realised
12:31he had a philosophy
12:32you've got a philosophy James
12:34I never knew that
12:35you told me you worshipped the sofa
12:37TV and real ale
12:38no no no
12:40we're concerned here with man's soul
12:42yes
12:43what exactly is that
12:44I'm sorry
12:45man's soul
12:47I've often wondered what it was
12:48well
12:50I suppose
12:51it's the part of you
12:52that's not concerned with
12:53working and eating
12:55and all that everyday stuff
12:56but more important things
12:58so you mean like
12:59playing squash
13:00excuse my friend
13:02the only soul
13:03he'll ever understand
13:04is soul manier
13:05that'll be the front door
13:08I'll go
13:08probably another of your acolytes
13:12prostrating themselves
13:14on the welcome mat
13:14look I'm sorry I've had such an effect
13:19but you see
13:20when I talk
13:21it's not always 100% serious
13:24I failed religious instruction in school
13:27for listing no running in the corridor
13:29as one of the Ten Commandments
13:30you don't want to listen to me
13:32just work it out for yourself
13:34but you can't just destroy my faith
13:36then ditch me
13:37not fair you know
13:38I do sometimes think about important things
13:41like
13:43why we're here
13:44where we go when we die
13:45if there's a reincarnation
13:46and if there is
13:48could you use it as a tax dodge
13:50no really you see
13:52excuse me
13:53don't butt in
13:54it's my spiritual life we're discussing
13:56why does everyone suddenly want to talk to me
14:00about the meaning of life
14:01I'm not very good at life
14:03it's like talking to Mother Teresa
14:05about heavyweight boxing
14:06I understand she's a big fan
14:09who was it
14:10two Christian soldiers
14:12oh I suppose they want to knock around
14:14a bit of ecclesiastical philosophy as well do they
14:17no if it's anything they want to knock around
14:19it's you
14:19they're waiting outside
14:21I can't tell them to get lost
14:24they're quite large
14:25I'll stay here
14:26there
14:28now I'll have to stay
14:30oh I'm Jeremy by the way
14:32okay Jeremy
14:34Jeremy you can stay until they go
14:37can't stay long
14:38the last of the brethren who left
14:40they kept vigil on his doorstep for three months
14:43well we'll give them three hours
14:45and if you don't want to rejoin by then
14:47I will
14:48I'm really enjoying not being a teetotaler anymore
14:55so I see
14:58however did you join the Christian soldiers
15:02if you ever lost hope
15:04you know feel you're never going to come out the other side of something
15:08it's about halfway through Gandhi
15:10maybe once or twice
15:13well I did
15:14I was a house painter
15:16I had a good job
15:17then one day my wife just took my kid and left
15:20I went home
15:21no one there
15:22thought they'd gone out shopping
15:24then I realised she'd taken all her clothes
15:27any idea why?
15:30well I suppose otherwise
15:31she wouldn't have had anything to wear
15:32anyhow I really went off the rails
15:38and then you joined the Christian soldiers?
15:41no then I joined this neo-fascist group
15:43but I soon left them
15:44you see I've got very high insteps
15:46well obviously you can't be a neo-fascist
15:51if you have high insteps
15:53no you can't you see
15:54because those sort of riding boots they wear
15:57you just can't get them on
15:58and it's no fun being a neo-fascist
16:01wearing plimsolls
16:02so I soon left them
16:05and you joined the Christian soldiers?
16:07oh no no
16:08I went to Wales
16:09joined the Free Wales Army
16:11you Welsh then?
16:13no that was the problem
16:15you see after I'd painted out all the English on the road signs
16:18I kept getting lost on the way home
16:20so I left them
16:24joined the young conservatives
16:25but that didn't last
16:27and I became a sort of down and out
16:29and then you joined the Foreign Legion?
16:32the circus?
16:33the Women's Institute?
16:34no the Christian soldiers
16:37you're obviously something of a joiner
16:40no a painter
16:41that was a joke
16:45see I do have a sense of humour
16:47obviously have you joined the young conservatives
16:51this time though I think I've got it all worked out
16:54what you said it makes sense to me
16:55I wish it did to me
16:58whatever it was
16:59what are they like then these
17:04Christian soldiers?
17:06well they're very strict on discipline
17:08you're not allowed alcohol or tobacco
17:10and the thing that appealed to me most
17:13after my wife and all that
17:14marriage is an institution
17:17you're not allowed to just walk out of
17:19marriage is an institution
17:21you're not allowed to walk out of
17:23you make it sound like Broadmoor
17:24no it's just that they're very strict on sex
17:28it could only take place during a marriage
17:30doesn't that knock the vicar out of his stride a bit?
17:35you know what I mean?
17:37I do
17:37I've always thought God never liked sex really
17:40otherwise he wouldn't have made it so difficult
17:41to get it right
17:42I mean let's face it
17:44the male member is like the gas man
17:46it never comes at the right time
17:48you don't like groups or parties or things do you?
17:54only if they're the sort where you bring a bottle
17:56no large groups tend to terrify me
17:59but you can't belong to a party if you're the only member
18:03David Owen manages it
18:05I'm just suspicious of most large organisations
18:10from the Nazi party to the Cub Scouts
18:12I mean let's face it
18:14how does lighting fires and tying knots
18:17equip you for modern life?
18:19unless you want to become an arsonist
18:20or get involved in bondage
18:21I thought they'd abolish the Cub Scouts
18:25only Bob a job
18:26mind you the government's taken it over now
18:30they've kept the wages the same
18:33but they call it the job training scheme
18:35Jeremy
18:38they've definitely gone
18:39you can go now
18:41well
18:43they might be waiting around the corner
18:45I tell you what
18:46I'll walk you to the tube
18:47alright
18:49I suppose you think I ought to shake off
18:52all the habits I've picked up
18:53with the Christian soldiers
18:54do you?
18:55well
18:56yes
18:56oh good
18:58so can I take the bottle of whiskey?
19:07look at this
19:08seven sections
19:11not surprising the Amazon rainforests are disappearing
19:15surprised paper boys aren't disappearing too
19:20they'd need a forklift truck
19:22to deliver a street worth of these
19:24surprised they don't call it the Sunday hernia
19:28appointments
19:31business news
19:34Nigel Lawson to visit Japan
19:37he's obviously spotted a job opportunity
19:40as a sumo wrestler
19:42travel
19:45review
19:47at last the magazine
19:50BMW ads
19:53details of the champagne and fibre diet
19:56and an article on the starving millions in Africa
20:00presumably the champagne and malnutrition diet
20:04watch that flab disappear
20:07go and live in the Sudan
20:08wait a minute
20:11something to the news section
20:13have they done away with that?
20:17or have I missed it?
20:20coming
20:20Mr. Shelley
20:26no
20:28Mr. Shelley
20:30I think you know who we are
20:32people who've seen too many Vietnam films
20:34we're from the Christian soldiers
20:37you've tempted one of our brethren away from the movement
20:40we're going to find out where he is
20:42is he here?
20:44all right
20:45I admit it
20:45he's hiding in the waste paper bin
20:47under the
20:48vast bulk of the Sunday papers
20:50now please
20:51go away
20:51how did you get him to leave?
20:53he said something about a bear
20:55I bet it was the devil talking
20:56well the beer
20:58possibly
20:59now I've got work to do
21:00on Sunday?
21:01yes
21:02I know the Lord rested on the seventh day
21:04but then I presume he didn't have to pay London prices
21:06to rent a room
21:07God will punish you
21:09he'll send you something horrible
21:11already has
21:13you
21:13all right
21:15may God send you a long
21:18painful
21:19and incurable
21:21disease
21:22no you're not even going to win me over with a soft sell
21:26there'd be a lot less trouble
21:28if you just told us where he was
21:30all right
21:31he's across the landing
21:33in the flat
21:34he's staying with Carol Tapscott
21:37and don't take no for an answer
21:39so I'm late George
21:47I've been besieged by Christian soldiers
21:50good heavens
21:52those really her breasts?
21:54or has she glued two zeppelins onto her chest?
21:59there's a competition here
22:01to find Britain's biggest whoppers
22:03the headlines of this paper I should think
22:06yes
22:07oh by the way
22:08that religious mate of yours was in
22:10but then he left with a couple of men
22:12oh no
22:13I hope they haven't found him
22:14would they be able to reconvert him then?
22:17oh listen
22:17if he listened to the weather
22:18he'd end up worshipping Michael Fish
22:20he changes religion
22:23like most people change their socks
22:24if he's anything like you James
22:26once a year
22:27Carol
22:28Graham
22:29what brings you to something as common
22:31as a pub?
22:32we thought we'd come and have a look at your workplace
22:34would you like it?
22:35not a lot
22:36I'm sure the house white here
22:38has never seen a grape
22:39you don't have to drink wine you know
22:41there's nothing wrong with a beer
22:42I'm sure there is here
22:43now James
22:45this morning we had a couple of visitors
22:49well a bit of company's always nice
22:51these weren't
22:52they were Christian soldiers
22:54do you know why they called on me?
22:57no idea
22:57that's odd because they said you sent them
23:00they tried to break in
23:02and then they kept going on about the theory of creationism
23:05James I want an explanation
23:06right well the theory of creationism
23:09James
23:10look
23:11perhaps we all ought to have a drink
23:13and prevent bloodshed
23:14I think I prefer the bloodshed
23:16I'll tell you what
23:17have you signed this petition about the hostel yet James?
23:19no
23:20Carol persuaded me not to
23:21hello everyone
23:22Jeremy
23:23I was worried about you
23:25I thought they dragged you off
23:27oh no those were friends
23:29I met them last night
23:30I'm all settled now
23:31oh good
23:32you've no idea how easy it is to find real peace
23:35have you ever heard of the teachings of the Reverend Moon?
23:38yes
23:39don't tell me anymore
23:41you know what happened last time
23:43all right all right
23:44anyway there's plenty of time
23:45I'm hoping to get a place in that school around the corner
23:47that they're turning into a hostel
23:48then we can talk as much as we like
23:50Jeremy you've got a pen I could borrow
23:54sure
23:55my possessions are your possessions
23:58Carol where's that petition?
24:00you know how nice it is
24:01to find out
24:02you
24:02I can't believe it would ever ever be
24:03I can't believe it would ever be
24:04you're paying a betrayal
24:04you're an advocate and ason hoch
24:05I can't believe it would ever be
24:06you're in a Cruise
24:07anything that I could always say
24:08you're kayak a suspect
24:08I'll tell you like
24:10you're in a house
24:12yeah
24:14I can't believe I can't believe it would ever be
24:16and I can't believe it was