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00:00Textning Stina Hedin www.btistudios.com
00:30Dear Fran, the story so far. On Friday I flew into London while my bags flew into
00:36Madrid. They eventually turned up here devoid of contents. All my clothes
00:42nicked. I reported the theft to the police and Shaw Taylor will be describing
00:47the holes in my Y-fronts to 12 million viewers. I've decided to buy some clothes.
00:53I need some clothes because I've got to see about a job. I need a job to pay the
00:58rent being charged by my two upwardly thrusting landlords, Carol and Graham.
01:04Carol seems a fairly ruthless sort of person. The sort of person who would
01:09hollow out her grandmother and turn her into flats.
01:16Her husband Graham is so dim he's barely visible. It's a typical London Monday
01:23morning, Fran. Remember those? I can see the sun rising majestically over bee jams.
01:29Perky little sparrows are nesting high in a wind-blown tree next to the supermarket trolley.
01:37While down in the street rosy-cheeked children on their way to school are gleefully snapping
01:42off everyone's car aerials. I expect your Monday mornings are more exciting over there in Canada.
01:48You probably ride to work on a log through boiling rapids. Here people still use the northern line,
01:56which is much more difficult. Anyway, all for now. Bye.
02:02Morning, Carol.
02:08Morning, James. Up before midday. Is it a leap year?
02:13Actually, I'm going to see about a job.
02:15A job? I thought you intellectuals left all the jobs to be done by wee grubby little drones.
02:21What sort of a job is it? Poet laureate? God of beauty on Mount Olympus?
02:25Not sure. A friend of mine, Dave, who taught English with me in the Middle East, mentioned
02:29me to his brother, who runs a club. What sort of a club?
02:33A seedy one, I presume, otherwise Dave would never have put my name forward.
02:36Well, that's true enough, I suppose. Carol, I know we got off to a bit of an iffy start,
02:41but I think you and I have got to have some sort of truce. After all, we are neighbours.
02:45So are Iraq and Iran. Besides, I rather enjoy our little sparring sessions. They put me in
02:51a nice, aggressive frame of mind for the working day. You're my sort of punch bag.
02:56Well, thanks. I wouldn't want to do Graham out of a job.
02:59Ha, ha. Very clever, Mr. Graduate Smarty Pants.
03:02Look at that. Two miles in ten minutes, 52 seconds. Pretty damn brill, eh?
03:07I'm training for the South Thames Marathon next week. Going to run 26 miles.
03:11Why?
03:14What do you mean, why? It's fun, relaxing. You should try running. It empties the mind.
03:20You can see that. Right. I look relaxed, don't I? Free of stress, ready to face a daze
03:25dealing in the city and not worry about anything. See, the Dow Jones Index is down again.
03:29Oh, my God, it's not, is it? Graham, don't let him panic you.
03:33Could be the start of another crash. All the long-term indicators are healthy,
03:37despite market fluctuations. I don't envy you, Graham, living at the mercy of the markets.
03:42It's all computerised now, isn't it? One microchip goes on the blink, and the whole of Mexico's debt
03:48gets added to Belgium's phone bill.
03:51Wall Street panics, Nigel Lawson puts the entire British economy into the wife's name,
03:56and before you know it, financiers are plummeting past windows faster than turbocharged lemmings.
04:02I know, I know. We're living on a knife edge.
04:04Graham, he is winding you up like a clock. Ignore him.
04:09I'll take the golf this morning, OK? Right. Could you take it into the garage?
04:14Why? Well, some kids have just snapped off the aerial again.
04:20And you saw them do it? Why didn't you stop them? Honestly, Graham, sometimes you're such a...
04:28A wimp? I do have a vocabulary, thank you, even though I only went to a comprehensive...
04:33..damned kids. Should be taken out and shot.
04:37Oh, we've got nothing against kids. We're gonna have some ourselves, aren't we, Carol?
04:40Yes, two. One when I'm 31, the other when I'm 34.
04:44Leave reviewing now! Bye, love.
04:47She's a very definite sort of person, your Carol, isn't she?
04:51Yes. Yes, she is.
04:54She's OK, though. She'll warm to you. She didn't like me at first.
04:58You'll see. You and her will end up as good friends.
05:01Yes.
05:03The boy's a moron.
05:10A health club? He never said it was a health club.
05:13I can't work at a health club.
05:16These places are obscene.
05:19Full of people taking exercise and lifting things.
05:23I can't work at a health club.
05:25It'd be like asking the Ayatollah Hominy to take the coats at a strip joint.
05:33On the other hand, I need the money.
05:46Can I help you? Yes, I'm looking for Ray Easton.
05:48You found him?
05:49Oh, your brother Dave told me to look you up.
05:52Said there might be a job going. The name's Shelley.
05:54Oh, right. Dave wrote to me about you.
05:57Put it down somewhere.
05:59Oh, yeah, here it is.
06:01Shelley is opinionated, gabby, sarcastic, cocky, arrogant and smug.
06:05I think you'll like him.
06:07Pleased to meet you.
06:09Well, there is a job.
06:11Well, basically this place is open 6.30am to midnight
06:13and I just need someone to keep an eye on it in the evening.
06:16Basically hang around and be friendly.
06:18Does that sound like the sort of thing that might come naturally to you?
06:20No.
06:22Oh.
06:23Do you like people?
06:24No.
06:26Do you want the job?
06:27Yes.
06:28Well, maybe.
06:29Please stop giving me the hard sell.
06:30Look.
06:32I'll tell you what.
06:33Why don't we do it on a trial basis?
06:35See if it works out.
06:36What would you say to £200 a week?
06:38Well, I'd say yes, please.
06:39Right.
06:40I'll show you around.
06:42Through there's the main gym.
06:43Always supervise.
06:45Some of the guys try a bit too hard
06:46and end up with rippling biceps and crippling hernias.
06:50Through there's the smaller gym.
06:52And through here are the saunas.
06:54OK.
07:00Well, I'll leave you to have a mooch around.
07:03Get the feel of the place.
07:04Then maybe we can do some paperwork.
07:06Sure.
07:20Excuse me.
07:22Excuse me.
07:24Can I help you?
07:26Well, is this the latest in sportswear?
07:30And I can't see it catching on personally.
07:32I mean, I can't envisage Ben Johnson bombing past Carl Lewis dressed as a giant chicken.
07:39Sorry?
07:41The costume.
07:42Well, it's not exactly aerodynamically designed, is it?
07:45No.
07:47It's about as comfortable as a barbed wire truss
07:50and sweatier than a sumo-restless jockstrap.
07:52I'm the vicar, by the way.
07:56St. Peter's round the corner.
07:59I'm practising for a charity marathon to save the intensive care unit at the local hospital.
08:05Got to run the marathon and this, so I'm getting used to it.
08:08You mean you're going to run 26 miles dressed as Colonel Sanders' worst nightmare?
08:14Well, you have to wear something ridiculous in order to get publicity.
08:18And it's the publicity that sells the advertising space.
08:21You see?
08:23You've seen the London Marathon.
08:25Lots of runners dressed like twassocks, pantomime cows.
08:29Waiters carrying trays of drinks.
08:31Hordes of Gurkhas taking it seriously.
08:34Page three girls in bras and suspenders.
08:37Men in bras and suspenders.
08:39Keith Harris and Orville.
08:41Jimmy Savile.
08:42There's a lot to compete with for attention on these rounds, so I've gone for a giant chicken.
08:48You've got a bit of room left down by the parson's nose.
08:53Oh!
08:55Yes, must sell that.
08:57A bit undignified, isn't it, for a man of the cloth?
09:00It's no more undignified than last year.
09:02I had to sit for two days in a barrel full of trifle.
09:05I got interviewed by someone called Keith Cheggwin.
09:09That was really humiliating.
09:13It's funny how life repeats itself.
09:16Last year, after we saved the intensive care unit,
09:19the Minister for Health came on TV and praised us, saying,
09:23it just shows what local communities can do to help themselves.
09:26He even came to visit it.
09:28Now he's going to close it again, the little creep.
09:31And we can't have that, can we, mister?
09:33Shelly. James Shelly.
09:35Morris. Reverend Morris Oates.
09:37Do you work here?
09:39On a trial basis, as of five minutes ago.
09:40Been in the area long?
09:42No, just moved in. Been abroad for a few years.
09:45All changed round here.
09:46Used to be quite a mixed area.
09:48All sorts of classes and creeds.
09:50Not anymore.
09:52Now it's full of young prats called Nigel and Marcus.
09:54All of them much too thick to cope with a large idea like a God.
10:00For most of them, the nearest they ever get to an abstract concept is VAT.
10:06Do you believe in God?
10:07Well.
10:09You're an atheist?
10:10No, I do believe in a God, but not the Christian version.
10:13I believe in the concept of God the Divine Bungler.
10:16A sort of celestial DIY man who didn't read the instructions properly.
10:21Oh, you're one of those.
10:23Sorry?
10:24Smartass.
10:27A cocky know-all.
10:29Who hides behind jokes all the time.
10:31Yes, I'm one of those.
10:33Are you going to try to convert me?
10:34Certainly not. It's my lunch hour.
10:38What were you doing abroad?
10:40Teaching English.
10:41A dying language.
10:42Is it?
10:43Yes.
10:44Derek Jameson's killing it.
10:46Well, I can't stand here gabbing.
10:49I'm supposed to be out there preventing hernias.
10:53Things will look up, old chum.
10:54Have faith.
10:56Faith's a wonderful thing.
10:57It helps you believe in the good in people.
11:00For instance, my faith tells me
11:03that behind that cynical veneer
11:06is a sort of person
11:08who would never let a poor aging vicar
11:10run 26 miles in a marathon without sponsoring him
11:13to the tune of at least two quid a mile.
11:15I can't believe this.
11:19I'm being blackmailed by a giant chicken.
11:21LAUGHTER
11:23LAUGHTER
11:25APPLAUSE
11:26Ah, James.
11:37How did the job go?
11:38Fine.
11:39What's the place like?
11:40Er, health club.
11:41Not the Westville?
11:42Yes.
11:43We're members there.
11:44Yes, I thought you might be.
11:45You wouldn't like to sponsor a vicar, would you?
11:46He's running in the marathon to save, er, an intensive care unit.
11:47Apparently the whole of the NHS operates on that basis now.
11:48Casualty is rushed into outpatients.
11:49He needs an emergency operation.
11:50Quick nurse.
11:51There's no time to lose.
11:52Right.
11:53Round up the night staff, organise a bed race.
11:54LAUGHTER
11:55Ha, ha.
11:56It just so happens that subsidised medicine is a very old-fashioned way.
11:57We're members.
11:58Yes.
11:59Yes, I thought you might be.
12:00Yes?
12:01Yes.
12:02Yes, I thought you might be.
12:03Yes.
12:04Yes, sir.
12:05Yes.
12:06Yes.
12:07Yes.
12:08Yes.
12:09Well, you wouldn't like to sponsor a vicar, would you?
12:11now. Casualty is rushed into outpatients. He needs an emergency operation. Quick nurse,
12:17there's no time to lose. Round up the night staff, organise a bed race. Ha ha. It just
12:23so happens that subsidised medicine is a very old-fashioned idea. The health service should
12:28pay for itself. I agree. The NHS could finance itself easily, couldn't it? I mean, no new
12:35kidneys until you've sold Dewhurst the old ones. Get polo mints to sponsor a hole in
12:40the heart operation. Flog gallstones as designer jewellery. Someone's got so vital stance,
12:46shove a drink in his hand, hire him out as a cocktail shaker. Most lucrative of all, when
12:51you do a brain scan on a sun reader, charge a search fee. Yes, well, you may sneer, but
12:57the plain fact is that more and more patients are going private in response to market forces.
13:02Like pain and agony. What do you think, Graeme? Well, it's a complex issue. There are lots of
13:10different ways to look at it, aren't there? That's my opinion. Okay, well, Graeme, you
13:15don't want to be too controversial. Put me down for 50p a mile. He's also selling advertising
13:22space on his costume. He's dressed as a chicken. Then he'll probably only get a
13:26poultry amount. I don't think I want to advertise Tapscott estate agents on a chicken. Thank you,
13:32Shirley. Pity. Most of the other local estate agents have taken space out. It's a pun,
13:37you see, on poultry. Yes, so it is, Graeme. This costume? Yes? Is there any room left on
13:47it? I know just the place. Looks very fetching. This Tapscott woman, is she a pushy type, about
13:5727? I think I've met her, made an offer for the church once. That'll be her. I got the feeling
14:02she wanted to fill it with water and hire it out to surfboard us. Good job the church
14:08commissioners didn't get to hear about it. They'd probably damn well sold it to her.
14:13You sure you're going to finish this marathon? Got to. If I can go the full distance, I stand
14:19to raise £100,000. That is the difference between the unit closing and remaining open.
14:24And we've got to keep it open. Otherwise it'd be nothing for the minister to close next year.
14:28Exactly. What about London? Do you want to stay? Not sure. While I was away, I used to
14:37daydream about London. The view from Waterloo Bridge, the lake at Regent's Park, the pigeons
14:43in Trafalgar Square. And I'd forgotten some of London's hidden joys. The sweet smell of fresh
14:50urine in the phone boxes. The lyrical morning call of here we go, here we go, here we go.
14:57From a drunk leaning up against your doorbell. The quaint old-fashioned charm of someone
15:02with the word hate tattooed on their forehead.
15:06I knew a vicar once who had the word love tattooed on his left arm. His arm went septic.
15:13He nearly died. Serve him right, trendy little poser.
15:17It's not a very Christian sentiment. Can't help it. I hate trendy vicars. Done so much
15:26harm to the church with their modernised versions of the Bible called, hey, great news about
15:32Jesus. Worst of all, these wishy-washy liberal debates about scripture. If Jesus came again
15:40tomorrow, would he register for the YTS? Is Buddha just a Christian god with his head
15:47shaved?
15:48I don't think I've ever met a vicar like you.
15:51You'd better believe it, baby.
15:55Aren't you scared of running 26 miles at your age?
15:59There's nothing to fear, except the wall.
16:02The wall? What's that?
16:04It's a sort of rehearsal for death. You're jogging along quite merrily, then suddenly you
16:11feel as if someone had slipped you approximately 38 vodkas.
16:16Why'd you put yourself through all this?
16:18Someone's got to do it. Don't you agree?
16:21I've always been a someone else's got to do it man myself.
16:24That's no fun, Shelley. No fun at all. Can't go through life spectating. Got to exploit
16:30your talents. My talent is spectating. I'm absolutely brilliant at it. Genius. I'm the
16:37George Best of the armchair.
16:40Yes, old chap. But the thing is... The thing is... I'll stuff this. Let's go round to the pub.
16:51Spoken like a true vicar.
17:00Horace? That is you, isn't it?
17:05Of course it is. There are no other giant roof doors, are there?
17:08No, there's someone dressed as a pink dinosaur.
17:10Well, that'll be the vicar of St. Mary's.
17:12He's been giving funds for the children's fund.
17:14Are you okay?
17:15A hundred percent.
17:16Good, because I'm naked.
17:18I'll catch you up after the transplant.
17:21Morris? Morris, are you okay?
17:37Couldn't be better.
17:38Dropped a long way behind.
17:40I'm staying clear of the pack so I can time my final burst of...
17:44Oh, right. No sign of the wall, then.
17:48No, mind you, it's the funny thing about the wall.
17:52You can be jogging along quite comfortably when suddenly, without a nistle...
17:57Morris! Morris!
18:00Just taking a little breather.
18:02Morris, be sensible. You've done 17 miles. You've raised a lot of money.
18:05I need to finish. 26 miles equals £100,000.
18:09Morris, you can't go on. Nothing's that important.
18:12Beg to differ, my old chap.
18:14Oh, please, Morris, pack it in.
18:15Well, the Reverend Morris Baldwin Oates never packs it in.
18:22Never.
18:24I feel much better after that little rest.
18:28You're not by any chance related to Captain Oates, are you?
18:36I ran it in two hours, 28 minutes and 14 seconds.
18:40I came third.
18:41Pretty bloody brill, eh, Carol?
18:42Yes, yes, Graham. Very good.
18:43Carol, can we go home? I finished three hours ago.
18:51I want to see if my advertisement finishes.
18:53Yes!
18:57Yes!
18:57It's Morris!
18:59Yay!
19:00Yay!
19:01Hooray!
19:05Come on, Morris!
19:06I still can't see my ad.
19:08Perhaps it's on his back.
19:10Come on!
19:10No use.
19:11The cameras are pointed at his front.
19:13Come on!
19:16It doesn't look very well, does it?
19:21Come on!
19:23Come on, Morris!
19:24Come on!
19:25Come on!
19:25Come on, Morris!
19:26Yes!
19:27Yes!
19:27Yes!
19:28Yes!
19:33Morris?
19:34You all right, Morris?
19:34You all right, Morris?
19:38Sorry!
19:39Brill, James!
19:40Bloody triff!
19:46So, how are you the morning after?
19:50Well, apart from someone having filled my arms and legs with concrete
19:53and replaced my spinal column with a small steel girder,
19:58I'm really hunky-dory.
19:59What on earth made you take over when Morris collapsed?
20:03God knows.
20:04Can't bear to see a grown chicken cry, I think.
20:08I came third out of 362.
20:11Where did I come?
20:14360th.
20:15Well, you beat that 80-year-old Chelsea pensioner
20:17and the one-legged disc jockey,
20:19the one in the long John Silver costume.
20:22My, um, my advert wasn't terribly visible, was it?
20:26Oh, come off it, Carol.
20:28Everyone had a nice long look at it when I collapsed.
20:31When will you be fit enough to go back to work?
20:33Never.
20:34I've decided to quit the job.
20:35Why?
20:36Is it dull?
20:37Duller than synchronised swimming.
20:39It's not possible, is it?
20:41Ah!
20:43How's Bathurst's answer to Steve Cram today?
20:47Oh!
20:48Still making that noise, eh?
20:51I'm just on my way to bury someone,
20:52so I thought I'd pop in and see how you work.
20:54I was worried about you yesterday.
21:00Never seen that shade of grey before.
21:03We'll be going.
21:06Congratulations.
21:07Jolly well run, vicar.
21:09I came third.
21:09How wonderfully uninteresting.
21:12Bye, Shelley.
21:13Shout if you need anything, like embalming.
21:16Ciao.
21:18So you're OK?
21:20I'm in shock.
21:21It was a deeply disturbing experience.
21:24The most disturbing part was coming round,
21:27dressed as a giant chicken,
21:29being wrapped in one of those huge sheets of bake-o foil.
21:36I hallucinated at one point.
21:38Someone was coming at me with a big packet of packs.
21:41Well, it made a big difference.
21:44About £40,000 worth.
21:47Nobody's quibbling that you completed it for me.
21:50If they did, I'd announce it from the pulpit.
21:52You haven't heard any of my sermons, have you?
21:55I do a rather good one on the stoning of the prostitute.
21:58I do all the actions.
22:01I can imagine.
22:03Well, I'll leave you in agony.
22:06So your neighbour came third.
22:08Well, he's the perfect runner.
22:10The pain message can't find his brain.
22:14Thanks again, Shelley.
22:16I'll get you canonised for this.
22:19Saint Shelley.
22:21The patron saint of menopausal men
22:25with good hearts and stout ligaments.
22:27See you in church.
22:31Or, failing that, the pub.
22:36Ah!
22:40Dear Fran,
22:42something terrible has happened.
22:45At the age of 41,
22:47for the first time in my life,
22:50I have done something for someone else.
22:54Without any apparent personal gain.
22:57I'm obviously sick.
23:00Mentally ill.
23:02I ran nine miles.
23:04Yes, nine miles.
23:06Dressed as a Rhode Island Red.
23:09Now, what the hell's going on, Fran, eh?
23:13Yes, Morris?
23:13Just pop back to say thank you
23:17and I'm very grateful once again
23:18and to remind you
23:20that you sponsored me
23:22to the tune of two quid a mile
23:23till you owe me 34 quid.
23:26I won't charge you for the nine miles you ran.
23:29Very big of you, Morris.
23:30Oh!
23:32Oh, yes?
23:33Morris.
23:33What?
23:34This intensive care unit we've saved.
23:37Do I have to book
23:38or will they take me straight away?
23:39Fuck!
23:39What?
23:40What?
23:42What?
23:42What?
23:42What?