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00:00I
00:29greetings Canada
00:34this is London calling
00:35hello Fran and Emma
00:37thank you for my birthday card
00:40and Emma's little joke
00:41though that's not how you spell
00:44senile dementia
00:45I can't imagine where she gets her sense
00:48of humour from
00:48how am I spending my birthday
00:52you ask
00:52with someone I love
00:54me
00:55I shall sit down with a cup of Ovaltine
00:59and a good book
00:59or failing that a Geoffrey Archer
01:02it came with a flat
01:05rather like a Gideon Bible
01:06my landlord Graham
01:09thinks he's a bit like Charles Dickens
01:11I agree
01:12neither of them have written anything good
01:14in the last 50 years
01:15you may have gathered
01:18I don't feel entirely at home
01:20back here in Britain
01:22in fact I feel
01:24rather like some prehistoric creature
01:26they're about to stuff
01:27and stick in the National History Museum
01:29between the Brontosaurus
01:31and the flared trousers
01:32that was someone at the door
01:35I think it must be the self-pity squad
01:37come to get me
01:38so all for now
01:39from your bitter
01:41and twisted
01:43ex-spouse
01:43ah Carol
01:49what a pleasant surprise
01:51what brings you round
01:52my conversation
01:53my wisdom
01:54my personal magnetism
01:55your rent
01:57I thought so
01:59how many pints this week
02:03just 110 pounds
02:05right
02:06100
02:13105
02:17109
02:21109
02:2675
02:28ah
02:3685
02:38110
02:45thank you
02:47Paul Getty
02:48either way
02:50I uh
02:51met some of your
02:53other tenants
02:54last week
02:54oh yes
02:55hmm
02:56under the railway bridge
02:58by the embankment
02:59apparently you only charge
03:0140 pounds a week
03:02for each cardboard box
03:04oh very witty
03:06very devastating
03:08very sarcastic
03:09but tell me this
03:11if you're so clever
03:13Mr. Clever Clogs
03:14I've been to university
03:15mastermind
03:16why am I renting a flat
03:18to you
03:19and you not renting
03:20a flat to me
03:21pass
03:23hi love
03:27ready to go
03:27how are you James
03:28crushed
03:29have you seen this
03:31by the way
03:32whistle
03:33go on
03:34whistle
03:34isn't it brill
03:40tri-fant and soup
03:46you see
03:48if you lose it
03:49you just whistle
03:50and you can find it
03:50hide it somewhere
03:52go on
03:52I think we're a little
03:54too old
03:54for party games
03:55well in James's case
03:57a lot too old
03:58now come on Graham
03:59right here
04:00oh
04:01when's your birthday
04:02uh today
04:04it was nine o'clock
04:05why aren't you out
04:06celebrating
04:07I'm mourning the
04:08passing of youth
04:09in dignified silence
04:10eh
04:11he means he hasn't
04:12got any friends
04:13you have
04:14well everyone I rang up
04:16with either working late
04:17in Geneva on business
04:18or having a nervous
04:20breakdown
04:20a breakdown
04:22a breakdown
04:22yes friend of mine
04:23he'd got a job
04:24working in the city
04:25but the crash
04:26was too much for him
04:27for some reason
04:28he became convinced
04:29he was a vacuum cleaner
04:30went crawling
04:32round the stock exchange
04:33floors
04:34sucking crumbs
04:35off the carpet
04:36well in the panic
04:38no one thought
04:39this was odd
04:39until he tried
04:40to plug himself
04:40into the socket
04:41and nearly blew
04:43the fuses
04:43on all their new
04:44technology
04:45probably knocked
04:45another ten points
04:46off the index
04:47exactly
04:48that's all it takes
04:49we're living on thin ice
04:50we are
04:51I mean all it needs
04:52is a mouse
04:52gnawing through
04:53a computer cable
04:54and it blowing up
04:54or Nigel Lawson
04:56gnawing through
04:57a trifle too many
04:57and him blowing up
04:58and down it goes
05:00terrifying
05:01we're living on the brink
05:02I thought we were
05:03living on thin ice
05:05graham
05:06don't let him
05:07wind you up
05:08we've got to meet
05:09gerald in the wine bar
05:11yes all right
05:12anyway
05:12we can't leave james
05:13here on his birthday
05:14can we
05:14well
05:15you must come
05:17for a drink with us
05:18i won't take no
05:19for an answer
05:20oh come on
05:23after a couple of drinks
05:24you two will be
05:24the best of friends
05:25what will they
05:34think of next
05:35i mean
05:36you just whistle
05:37yes
05:38trip isn't it carol
05:40oh trip
05:40you only get set off
05:43by the kettle
05:44the compact disc
05:45cats mating
05:45and still a black singing
05:46yes
05:48anyhow
05:49cheers
05:50happy birthday
05:52how old are you
05:53james anyhow
05:5342
05:54but i don't feel
05:55a day over 79
05:5642
05:58i'm planning to
05:59have retired by then
06:00are you thinking
06:02of that yet
06:02you can't really
06:04retire before you
06:05get a proper job
06:06can you
06:06you see i'm doing
06:07it the other way
06:08around
06:08have the 30 years
06:10retirement first
06:11while i'm still young
06:12then when i'm 50
06:15i plan to
06:16enter a dynamic
06:17career suited
06:18to my talents
06:19road sweepers
06:21may well have been
06:21replaced by machines
06:22has he been saying
06:24things about
06:25estate agents again
06:26oh no
06:26they're fine
06:27i'll do james
06:28so
06:30what did you get
06:31for your birthday
06:32a drawing of a moose
06:33oh how nice
06:35no seriously
06:35carol old lab
06:36i was reading
06:37in the ft
06:37that since paintings
06:38have shot through
06:39the roof
06:39prints and drawings
06:40are going to be
06:41the next investment
06:42to really appreciate
06:43is it original
06:44it's from the
06:46north winnipeg
06:48elementary school
06:49of drawing
06:50it's from my
06:52daughter in canada
06:53my wife lives
06:55there now
06:55most people try
06:57separate bedrooms
06:58we're trying
06:58separate continents
06:59oh
07:01excuse me
07:02i'm terribly sorry
07:06i'm afraid we
07:07haven't got a table
07:08free we we can't
07:09let you in
07:10um it's the fire
07:12regulations
07:12well yes it is
07:13actually it's a
07:14terrible problem
07:14oh yes terrible
07:15problem wheelchairs
07:17are forever
07:17spontaneously bursting
07:19into flames
07:19it happens all the
07:21time
07:21it's not that
07:23gerald's got anything
07:23against them
07:24personally
07:25but it's a simple
07:26fact
07:26it does create
07:27an awkward
07:28atmosphere
07:28it puts the
07:29other customers
07:30off
07:30oh so you
07:31don't let anyone
07:31in who puts
07:32other customers
07:33off
07:33presumably there's
07:34a sign on the
07:35door
07:35no nose picking
07:36no removing ear
07:39wax with a match
07:39stick
07:40customers are
07:41requested to go
07:42outside before
07:42passing wind
07:43it's so so easy
07:47to be all clever
07:47and critical when
07:48you're not running
07:49a business
07:49i think james
07:52does have a point
07:52but then so does
07:55carol
07:55careful graham
07:57don't over
07:57commit yourself
07:58what surprises me
08:01is that you're
08:02willing to stay
08:02and drink the
08:03wine of people
08:04who lack your
08:04incredibly high
08:05standards
08:06who says i'm
08:09staying
08:09coming graham
08:11uh well
08:13perhaps
08:14you know
08:15i'll come back
08:16to you in a
08:16couple of decades
08:17when you've
08:18decided
08:18i'm sorry
08:19there really is
08:20no option
08:20you opt
08:21yes if he goes
08:22i go
08:23oh god
08:24a bloody
08:24do-gooder
08:25oh thanks
08:26thanks a lot
08:27come on
08:28i know where
08:29we can get a
08:29drink
08:30so they let
08:41you in here
08:42do they
08:42yeah they let
08:43anyone in here
08:43unless you're
08:44greek
08:44or support
08:45west hand
08:45want a drink
08:48oh never mind
08:51that
08:51turkish raki
08:52all right
08:53a small one
08:54ask for a pot
08:55of tea
08:56and wink
08:57wink
09:01yeah
09:02wink
09:03while back
09:05a while back
09:05some poor
09:05bloke
09:05with a twitch
09:06came in
09:06he asked
09:07for a pot
09:07of tea
09:07took a swig
09:09didn't know
09:09what it
09:09hit him
09:10still it's
09:12all right
09:12here
09:12and it's
09:13better than
09:13this new
09:13convenience food
09:14which usually
09:15tastes as if
09:15it just come
09:16out of one
09:16exactly
09:17and it beats
09:18that poncy
09:19wine bar
09:20what a shower
09:21of plonkers
09:22eh
09:22ought to put
09:23a brick
09:23through the window
09:24only you can't
09:24do a runaway
09:25in one of these
09:25things
09:25it's the worst
09:28of it you know
09:28can't even outrun
09:29an insurance
09:29salesman
09:30well perhaps
09:31you should put
09:32scythes on the
09:33wheels like
09:33Bodicea's
09:34chariot
09:34that's an idea
09:35no no
09:37get caught
09:38in the doorways
09:38i should warn
09:40you i am
09:40from the militant
09:41tendency of the
09:42wheelchair users
09:43association
09:43so i see
09:44how's tricks
09:48okay
09:48how's business
09:49still selling
09:50the old donkey
09:50kebabs
09:51no
09:52we all had a
09:53donkey this week
09:54he's mule
09:56who you want
09:59tea
09:59double
10:00and your friend
10:03tea
10:04tea
10:05tea
10:06so who were
10:11these plonkers
10:12you were with
10:12well
10:13graham's
10:14something in
10:15the city
10:15probably a
10:17doormat
10:17carol on the
10:19other hand
10:20well perhaps
10:20i shouldn't
10:21really speak
10:21badly of her
10:22behind her
10:23back but
10:23well
10:24she's an
10:25estate agent
10:26that bad
10:27standing between
10:28her and the
10:28two and a half
10:29percent
10:29it's like
10:30standing between
10:30a tigress
10:31and her young
10:32if you feel
10:33that way
10:33why were you
10:33in a wine
10:34bar with her
10:34i'm a masochist
10:35but i can't
10:36afford the whips
10:37no i don't know
10:38many people in
10:39london right now
10:40i've just come
10:40back from working
10:41abroad
10:41i was abroad
10:42a lot
10:42before i did
10:43this
10:43how did you
10:44do it
10:44falklands
10:45war
10:46well i wasn't
10:47savaged by a
10:48penguin
10:48here you go
10:54and don't spill
10:56it
10:56because it
10:57takes a
10:57bonish
10:57off the
10:58table
10:58why didn't
11:03you just
11:03drink in
11:04the pub
11:04it's better
11:05here
11:05i'll serve
11:06you all
11:06night
11:06and because
11:07don't
11:07he's
11:08local
11:08the
11:08landlord
11:08has
11:09bunked
11:09him
11:09just
11:10because
11:10you're
11:10in
11:11a
11:11wheelchair
11:11no
11:12because i hit him over the head with a bar stool
11:13any particular reason
11:16because he's a mouthy smart ass git who has to make a clever reply to everything
11:20do you want to hit me over the head now get it over with
11:23no no as mouthy smart ass gits go you're okay
11:26anyway no need this stuff has much the same effect
11:29more tea
11:56so where have you been working abroad
11:59then
12:00oh just about anywhere they need to learn english
12:03japan the emirates california
12:05there they really do need to learn english
12:07california
12:09what brought you back
12:11californians
12:12i thought los angeles was all champagne and roses
12:16more like seven up and herpes
12:18mind you now they've all become born again christians
12:24nipping around the corner to a drive-in church of the blessed saint rambo
12:29all major credit cards accepted where a preacher who resembles a used car salesman with a perm
12:36invites the lord jesus into their hearts and then nips around to a motel for a quick bonk
12:41odd people americans oh i've never wondered how a nation that thinks tom jones can sing manages to be the most powerful on earth
12:51don't talk to me about americans
12:54you wasn't
12:5525 years i lived there is this as a punishment
13:00yeah for marrying a texan
13:02gi bride i was
13:04said his father was in the oil business turned out he got a quarter show in a filling station
13:09and now he wasn't even handsome phoebe you must have known that before you got to texas
13:16there had been a lot of air raids
13:21i'd mostly seen him
13:23in the blackout
13:24why don't i join you
13:28oh looks as though you already have
13:30oh what's this
13:32oh
13:34oh
13:35oh
13:36i see you're an artist
13:38yes it's a birthday present from my daughter
13:40so when's your birthday
13:42today
13:43today
13:44oh
13:45i see you're celebrating in style
13:49how about some tea
13:52all right but uh no
13:54here we had the police in tonight
13:56i've stopped you serving it
13:58no
13:59they drank it
14:02i think it must have been the only very impersonation squad
14:05i've got nothing left
14:07well the pubs are shut now i suppose that's it
14:10oh but you can't go home yet
14:12not only birthday
14:16come back to my flat
14:17both of you
14:18we'll have a few drinks
14:20well i think i should
14:22should be getting back home
14:30i want to sign the visitor's book
14:32no it's not compulsory
14:33it is a little rough around here
14:35a little rough it's like walking through west bay route back there
14:39does this belong to a dog
14:41or is it the remains of the milkman
14:43suppose when pat was working here
14:44he'd need to carry a kalashnikov
14:47thanks
14:49let's save the old feed a bit
14:54it's a lie
14:55it soon won't be
14:56hey hey hey
14:56come on you go
15:01i was waiting for a dennis and paul
15:04do you know when they're getting back
15:05oh not for a while love unless they escape
15:08they're doing six months in brixton nick
15:12you're a friend of that
15:13not exactly
15:15they said i could stay if i came up to london
15:17i met them in a pub when they were down in bristol a few months ago
15:21oh yes they were doing a jeweler's
15:23i never knew they were like that
15:25well you must be about the only person who didn't
15:29well i suppose you might as well come in and have a drink
15:31and that's a yes assault forces flat
15:45oh is it your birthday as well
15:51no i don't have them anymore
15:53i decided to stop at 59
15:55what are those parcels then
15:58oh
16:00i write complaining to companies a lot you know
16:02dear sir i've been a faithful user of your biscuits for 20 years
16:05but i was horrified to discover a beetle eating the damn filling
16:09that's when there wasn't a beetle
16:12oh yes there is one i give bucks for
16:16now i find if you send an insect in the letter you get much better results
16:22uh it's a pity it never works for whiskey companies
16:25i think it's a bit parky in here
16:27oh no
16:28you've turned the gas off
16:30i'll probably cut the electricity off soon i'll be able to pay the next one
16:34it's a pity you couldn't write and say you found a beetle in the electricity
16:38get them to send you some free
16:40well i've been doing electrical engineering at college so i might be able to help oh yeah
16:44build a coal-fired power station in the corner of the room will you no
16:47i've got these magnets that can make the meter go backwards
16:50oh well have a try love it's out there in the hall in that cupboard
16:53what if they notice oh i'm a sweet old lady i don't know how these things work
17:02like i said it's a bit harder this side of the atlantic
17:05finally take you a bit of time to fit back in i know i was the only man in england who didn't
17:11know what eastenders was i thought dirty den was where an untidy badger lived
17:19that's for the people i've fallen among now you're just feeling sorry for yourself
17:25i my dear old gran used to say cheer up there's always some poor sod worse off than you are
17:31exactly someone's married to edwina curry
17:36there's a thought yeah how are you getting on love well i think this should do it oh that's
17:41wonderful you're young you don't want to be like robert maxwell or tiny roland do you give us a break
17:47i'd rather be like rolling rat thank heavens they're not all embryo acid strippers you've restored my
17:53faith in british youth
18:00can you fix this well no not till it's like i thought you'd done electrical engineering at college
18:06don't they teach you how to fill the electricity board properly honestly i blame it on the cuts
18:11it's all right motor mouth what are we gonna do oh james's flat can't be far away
18:23cheers
18:26you know it was lucky that you bumped into me on the way here yes here is this your fuse box no and
18:35even if it is don't touch it come and sit down i hope you can fix mine it's bad enough without the gas
18:42hey the sods you know when they came right they're not only broke the door down they crushed four free
18:48packets of wheat and bix on the door mount who's that jehovah's witnesses work late around here
19:00oh come in uh hello this is graham oh you're the one that works in the city yes the doormat
19:08money for carol the estate agent and tigris sorry i was just telling them what a model landlord you
19:15are come and have a drink i'm not sure i should you see carol sent me around you see she's a bit
19:21unhappy oh dear she's a bit unhappy about there being so many people oh well world overpopulation
19:27certainly is a worry no what i mean is that you're up late aren't you
19:35we stayed for a few drinks with gerald after he closed seeing it was friday night
19:40he thinks there could be another stock market crash soon it's a terrifying thought oh yeah i stay
19:45awake at night with the worry you've heard us well then my god hong kong opens in an hour sit down
19:52i think you need a few of these oh perhaps just one
20:02it's terrible the market's moving so fast no one even dares go for a pee sometimes i think the
20:09most successful dealers are the ones with the strongest bladders hello fran and emma you don't
20:15know me but i'm at shelley's birthday party he insisted we came around for a few drinks and eventually
20:23we had to give him
20:31uh hello come in carol i'd like you to meet a few friends no you found some have you
20:37this is memet dave you know memet runs a small restaurant phoebe runs a small mail order business
20:47and uh anita well she's attempting to bring free enterprise to the electricity board
20:54then you're our rival am i we've got shares in british gas i don't know how secure they are graham
21:00do you have to go on about that but you mean you partly own british gas that's what shares are
21:07yes well then perhaps you kindly explain why you won't reconnect me
21:13what you made an appointment for last tuesday afternoon and you didn't turn up
21:20what's it to do with me you said you were an owner don't try and get out of it james
21:26may we have a word alone
21:36man's gotta do what a man's gotta do
21:41as long as i pay you huge amounts of money each week i can invite back who i wish you can indeed
21:48sorry i thought i must have misheard you sound as though you agreed with me i did
21:52how's graham well he's calmed down a lot since a 60 year old kleptomaniac ex-gi bride started flirting
22:01with him shamelessly look do me a favor he's been driving me mad going on about the stock market
22:09being on the brink of a catastrophe all evening keep him in there and get him plastered it'll do him
22:15good and me tenner off the rent if he comes back unable to talk 20 if he can't stand done
22:24only fetch me if he starts going on
22:27we've got to go no problem i've fixed her
22:43dear fran as you may have gathered from the additions to the tape
22:48i ended up last night holding a small but exclusive soiree
22:53graham my landlord left at three having left this planet at about 1 30. this morning he's a delicate
23:00shade of green that matches carol's curtains he says he feels as if someone's blown his brains out of
23:07his head so no change there i have to grudgingly admit that in the end i quite enjoyed my birthday
23:18i um also learnt a little lesson about life never ever ever mix port and rocky
23:39so
23:47so
23:49so
23:51so