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00:00I'll see you next time.
00:30What about last night, eh? What a massacre. We slaughtered them. They were annihilated.
00:40Ted, for God's sake, it was a pub quiz. The King George versus the Star. It's only a game.
00:48I know that. We were the best of friends afterwards. You saw how I went up to the opposition and brought them a drink?
00:55Yes, while chanting, one nil, one nil, one nil.
00:59Well, it was a big victory, and I was our top scorer. I mean, I bet you never knew that the famous philosopher Albert Camus once played in goal for Algeria.
01:11Yes, I did. And Jean-Paul Sartre once played left-back for Cru Alexandre.
01:16He didn't?
01:17Yep. They had a great back for him, Wittgenstein, Vinnie Jones, and Princess Michael of Kent.
01:24Well, until she got transferred to Birmingham City.
01:29Don't be ridiculous.
01:30No, you're right. The princess was far too good for Birmingham City.
01:34You're just being silly because you and your university education aren't good enough for our quiz team.
01:40I wouldn't want to get in it.
01:41Well, we wouldn't have you. I mean, I bet you don't know the collective noun for a number of cats.
01:48Gosh, how have I got through life not knowing that? It's a miracle.
01:52You don't, you see? It's a clouder of cats.
01:57Anyway, I bet you don't know the collective noun for a group of bank managers.
02:02Bank managers?
02:03Don't know.
02:06Well, it's a grasp of bank managers.
02:12You're making this up.
02:14And then there's a porky of politicians.
02:17And, of course, a smug of pub quiz players.
02:22There, you see, it's all sour grapes just because I knew all the answers.
02:26Well, you didn't know who first released the hippie, hippie shake.
02:29Well, no, of course not. Shouldn't be in the quiz, all that modern music.
02:33Modern?
02:34Yeah, it's all tight trousers and silly names.
02:39My family used to make our own music during the war.
02:41Oh, not surprising a lot of people volunteered for service overseas.
02:46Oh, yes, very funny. Ha-ha.
02:48Well, I bet we were a lot better than the swinging blowjobs or whatever they were doing.
02:56Blue jeans.
02:59You're going deaf, you know, Ted.
03:01I'll have you know that I have the hearing of a 20-year-old.
03:05Hmm. A very deaf 20-year-old.
03:07You should get a hearing aid.
03:09Oh, bullcocks.
03:11And enough of this idle chit-chat.
03:13I've got to do me training.
03:15Training?
03:15Yep.
03:17Yes, I'm reading through the Encyclopædia Britannica.
03:21I've gone as far as Louis XV.
03:24All these Louis's are taking bloody ages.
03:27I think they might have called a few of them Wayne or something.
03:31Ted, don't you think you're perhaps just taking this a bit too serious?
03:34Well, it is. It is serious.
03:37Tomorrow night we're playing the tap house and that decides the league and who's getting promoted.
03:42And it's a grudge match.
03:44After our last meeting they sent me dead insects in the post for a week.
03:48Ha-ha.
03:49All because I didn't know that it was the Beatles who released Corporal Pepper or some sort of matter.
03:54This time we're going to crucify them.
04:00Oh, damn.
04:01Oh, yes, I know.
04:03I know who that is.
04:05Probably the tap house sending around a hit squad to rub you out before the match.
04:12Do come in.
04:13Thanks a lot.
04:16Shelley, this is Mr Mark Langley.
04:19He's an investigator from the DHSS.
04:24Hello.
04:26Oh, you've gone all pale, Mr Shelley.
04:32I thought we'd cleared that matter up.
04:41Oh, no.
04:42No, I'm not here to see you.
04:45Why, have you crossed our threshold in the past?
04:49Crossed your threshold?
04:50I'd virtually taken up residence in your offices.
04:54Mr Langley's here to investigate any illegal activity by the builders.
05:00Oh, what do you mean, spy on them?
05:02That's right, yeah.
05:03And your kitchen window is the perfect place.
05:07Ted, I'm not sure I'm happy about this.
05:09Hard cheese.
05:11If he's going to arrest some of the builders and hold up the building, that's fine with me.
05:15Stopping the builders isn't everything.
05:17Yes, it is.
05:19They want to knock down my house and put up a supermarket and leisure centre.
05:25Leisure.
05:25They're spoiling the youth of today, offering them all these leisure activities.
05:30I don't know why they can't make do with alcohol, petty theft and gang warfare like when I was a boy.
05:35I'll set up shop here if that's all right.
05:37Yes, be our guest.
05:39Would you like to borrow my binoculars?
05:41My uncle took them off a German he'd killed.
05:43What, World War II?
05:44No, on the terraces during the World Cup semi-fine.
05:48Ignore him.
05:50Here they are.
05:51Thanks, but I've been given a few bits and pieces by the DHSS.
05:58Hey, hey, hey, hey.
06:01Oh, these are amazing.
06:05You can see right across the building site, right into old Mrs Lambert's place.
06:09Ted, this is a disgusting intrusion.
06:11Would you believe it?
06:11She's got a sunbed.
06:13And I always thought she was that colour because she had jaundice.
06:19I really don't see how a few people diddling a bit of unemployment benefit justifies...
06:25Good God.
06:29I've just seen a man dressed as a penguin.
06:33So, are you really happy about this bloke sitting in our kitchen with his binoculars?
06:39Why shouldn't I be?
06:40He could be a thief.
06:42He could be a murderer.
06:43He could be eating your custard creams.
06:46No, I've seen his ID.
06:48Besides, you've got to uphold the law.
06:52God, I hate tomato juice.
06:54So why are you drinking it?
06:55I never drink the night before a big match.
06:58I never drink the night before a big match.
06:58That's my rule.
07:00No alcohol and no sex.
07:06No sex?
07:08I didn't realise you took it all that seriously.
07:11You sometimes have two games a week.
07:13It's the price one has to pay for having a mind and body that's a finely honed athletic machine.
07:19That, and after the matches, you can usually pull a groupie.
07:26You really are incredible.
07:27You may mock, but tomorrow night, this half-deserted pub will be a seething cauldron of competitors, packed until the floorboards creak, but, as those questions are read out, it'll go so quiet you could hear a pixie pass wind.
07:45Well, hello.
07:51It's the human memory machine himself.
07:53Karen, what are you doing here?
07:54Just sussing out the venue where you're going to get hammered tomorrow night.
07:58Us?
07:59Get hammered?
08:00Listen, we'll crush you like cockroaches.
08:02You and whose army?
08:05Do you want to bet?
08:06How much?
08:07Tenner.
08:08That confident.
08:10All right, then.
08:11Two hundred pounds.
08:12Done.
08:13You heard that, Derek?
08:15Yep.
08:16So, uh, um, we've got a bet, then, haven't we?
08:19That's right.
08:21Now, there's 50p.
08:23As a little gift.
08:24Eh?
08:24For the jukebox.
08:26So you can spend as much time as you like listening to all that pop music you love.
08:35Wasn't that a bit rash, Ted?
08:38Not rash, it's downright bloody stupid.
08:40Rubbish.
08:41Rubbish?
08:41That's Karen, the computer, Kelly.
08:43Her team hasn't lost a game for three years.
08:47Every match starts at nil-nil.
08:49Yeah, and when you play the tap house, it ends up at 98-3.
08:52I mean, you shouldn't be taking bets you should be quaking in your hash puppies.
08:57I don't know the meaning of the word fear.
08:59You didn't know the meaning of lots of words last time.
09:03You know, you didn't even know the names of the Beatles.
09:05Will you stop going on about that?
09:07I got two of them, right?
09:10Yeah.
09:10He said, John, Paul, Nigel and Turkwin.
09:15Derek, haven't you got some other customer that you could serve?
09:18Yes, I have.
09:19And one that's not drinking bloody tomato juice either.
09:22Looks like you just lost 200 quid.
09:25No, I haven't.
09:27Karen, what's the collective noun for a number of cats?
09:31A clouder.
09:32And what's the specific gravity of a molybdenum?
09:37It's, um...
09:38You only got as far as the L's.
09:41And who directed the 1962 film The Punch and Judy Man?
09:46And what does flocky, gnocy, knee-hilly pillification mean?
09:54It means estimating is worthless.
09:56Yes, I know that.
09:59Ted, if I were you, I'd back out of this bit.
10:02What?
10:03Just when I've lulled her into a false sense of security.
10:06LAUGHTER
10:07Hello, and how's James Bond this morning?
10:35Fine.
10:37If you want some coffee, it's in the pot.
10:39Oh, thank you.
10:42So tell me, do you enjoy this job?
10:46Well, it helps being a DIY enthusiast.
10:50Of course.
10:52Over there, for example.
10:55He's done a lovely job on those shelves.
10:58Whereas, the next window along, those ceiling tiles.
11:05There's no excuse for shoddy work like that.
11:08I thought you were supposed to be watching the building site.
11:11Oh, yeah.
11:11Well, I am, yeah.
11:13Did you see that brickie with the beer gut?
11:15They've all got beer guts.
11:17The one in the red trousers.
11:20Now, he's going to get into trouble.
11:23Why, is he signing on the doll?
11:25No.
11:26He's using far too much mortar on that wall.
11:28LAUGHTER
11:29Standards today.
11:31I went on a break-in recently.
11:33It broke my heart
11:34to see the way they'd hung those doors in the fitted kitchen.
11:38I had to stop to put them right.
11:41LAUGHTER
11:41You go on break-ins?
11:42Only on big frauds.
11:46Excuse me.
11:48Listen, have you got hidden microphones out there as well?
11:52Yeah, but they're on the limit of the range.
11:54What's that?
11:55Oh, er...
11:56About 100 metres.
11:59All I seem to get is the yowling of a load of cats.
12:03A clouder.
12:06LAUGHTER
12:06Eh?
12:08I'm convinced that Marta Hari downstairs
12:11is not from the DHSS.
12:14Why?
12:15Well, because he's got a couple of grand's worth of sound equipment
12:17because he keeps on watching after the builders go home
12:20and because his hidden microphones
12:23are set at 100 metres,
12:25which means they're in a house in Park Street
12:27and not on the building site.
12:29Don't think he's working for the MI5, do you?
12:31Oh, Ted, listen, I'm going to ring the DHSS
12:34and check him out.
12:35No, no, no, no, no, no.
12:36Wait, wait, wait, no.
12:37I'll do it, I'll do it.
12:38I got us into this.
12:40I'll get us out.
12:41Right, well, um...
12:43I'll see you tonight, then, eh?
12:44At the big match.
12:46Shame he has to go, though.
12:48Why?
12:49He's done a lovely job fixing that leak we had in the immersion tank.
12:52LAUGHTER
12:53Ah, evening, Ted.
12:57Oh, there you are.
12:58I got you a pint.
12:59Well, better get things underway.
13:02So, what happened about our friendly neighbourhood spy, then?
13:07Him?
13:08Him?
13:08Oh, he's legit.
13:10Are you sure?
13:12Yeah, the DHSS confirmed he was genuine.
13:14I think he might just have lied to us about his target.
13:18Probably old Mrs Lambert illegally renting out her sunbed.
13:21Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's competition will begin in three minutes.
13:27We have, head-to-head, the mighty memories of the King George Giants...
13:33Hooray!
13:34...versus the intellectual muscle of the unbeaten Taphouse Tearaway!
13:42Hooray!
13:43Get your drinks in now for the most gruesome grudge match this league has ever seen!
13:49He doesn't watch American football, by any chance.
13:54So, how's the King George Geriatrics, then?
13:57We're ready to thrash the Taphouse Tosspots.
13:59You got that 200 foot ready?
14:01You old folk have a lovely sense of humour.
14:04Oh!
14:06I don't believe this.
14:07Any minute now, there's going to be a punch-up between the supporters.
14:11No, don't be ridiculous.
14:13That's only ever happened twice.
14:15Will all the competitors please take their places?
14:18Well, wish me luck, Shelley.
14:23Good luck, Ted.
14:24Luck?
14:25I don't need it.
14:27I'm wearing my lucky underpants.
14:31I've worn them for the last nine matches and we've won every game.
14:35You've worn them for nine matches in a row?
14:37Yeah.
14:37Ted, will you please take your place?
14:40Oh, well, here we go.
14:44Didn't know you were religious?
14:45Listen, I'd take help from anywhere I can get it.
14:52And now the last half round before half time.
14:55Now let's see if the Giants can extend their lead.
14:58Easy, easy.
14:59Thank you, Ted.
15:01And this question is for your captain.
15:04So, the questions are just for you.
15:08Name the capital of Tonga.
15:10Nuka, a loafer.
15:13Correct.
15:14Yay!
15:16What is a droop?
15:22D-R-U-P-E.
15:25A stone-bearing fruit.
15:28Correct.
15:29Yes!
15:29Or in some cases, an overripe, wrinkled olive.
15:34Yes.
15:35Correct.
15:36As mentioned by Stark in his elementary history of botany in 1808.
15:41Yes, yes, correct.
15:42Very good, Ted.
15:43Now, finally.
15:46Pop music.
15:48Ha-ha-ha!
15:49Whose first LP was the Piper at the Gates of Dawn?
15:56Um...
15:58Come on, Ted.
16:01Pink Floyd.
16:02Correct!
16:04That makes the score 51-22.
16:10Now, ladies and gentlemen, there will be a short break in which you may recharge your glasses from the bar at very reasonable rates.
16:17There, you see?
16:23Told you we'd win.
16:25Ted, how the hell did you get Pink Floyd?
16:29Well, I don't usually like pop music, but I do like Pink Floyd.
16:35No, honestly, I think he's a very good singer.
16:42He?
16:43She, she, her.
16:44Her.
16:46Would you like a drink?
16:47No.
16:48And why are you, er, wearing a hearing aid?
16:51Oh, ah, yes.
16:52Well, I need to hear well during the match.
16:54I took your advice.
16:55You what?
16:56Would you like a drink?
16:58No, no, no.
16:58I'm, er, I'm going for a walk.
17:00Where?
17:01Oh, just locally.
17:02I'll be back in a minute.
17:05Er, if I see a record shop open, um...
17:08I buy you a Pink Floyd album.
17:11One where he sings particularly well.
17:15The answer is a medical instrument.
17:35Evening.
17:36Evening.
17:40Hello.
17:41Fizzy?
17:42Er, well, er...
17:44Well, you, er, must be hungry.
17:46How about a droop?
17:52All right, I'm radioing the answers through to Ted's hearing aid.
17:56Right, now, let me guess how it happened.
18:00He came downstairs and told you he knew you didn't work for the DHSS
18:06and that he'd report you to the police
18:08unless you used your bugging equipment to help him win the quiz, correct?
18:13Close.
18:15He came downstairs, ranted on for half an hour
18:18about not being able to trust the Germans.
18:20Then he said what you said.
18:26So if you don't work for the DHSS, who do you work for?
18:30I'm a private investigator.
18:33A businessman wants evidence of his wife seeing another man.
18:38Oh, yeah.
18:40That was Ted's other condition for letting me stay.
18:43If I get any good photos, he wants copies.
18:45So have you been successful?
18:51No.
18:52The only time I saw him, he was dressed as a penguin.
18:55He did embrace at the window once, but I missed it
18:58because I was looking at a particularly fine bit of grouting
19:01in the house next door.
19:04Oh, here we go.
19:06It's the next round.
19:07Ted's back on.
19:08Right.
19:09Now, listen to me.
19:11From now on,
19:13you tell him
19:14exactly
19:15what I tell you.
19:17OK?
19:20Good!
19:22And now, Giants,
19:24your turn
19:25for the team round.
19:26Your captain
19:27to give the answers.
19:28And your first question.
19:30What is
19:30the capital
19:31of Equatorial
19:33Guinea?
19:34Soleil.
19:38Incorrect!
19:41And I can
19:42pass that over
19:43to the
19:43Tearaways.
19:44Malabo.
19:45Correct!
19:46Yeah!
19:47Giants,
19:48what is
19:49a
19:50metatarsus?
19:55A small metal chisel
19:57used in Indonesia
19:59to remove pebbles
20:00from between the toes
20:02of water buffalo.
20:05Incorrect!
20:06And I can offer...
20:08It's a bone in the foot.
20:09Exactly right!
20:11Come in!
20:11Yes!
20:12Yes!
20:16Yeah!
20:19And with the
20:20Tearaways
20:21pulling ever
20:22closer,
20:23it's over
20:24to the Giants
20:25for your final
20:26team round.
20:28What
20:28is the name
20:29of
20:30Brutus'
20:30wife
20:31in Shakespeare's
20:33Julius Caesar?
20:34Tell him
20:37Elsie
20:37Tanner.
20:41It's a waste
20:42of time.
20:42He's not
20:42listening to us
20:43anymore.
20:44Of course,
20:44I could always
20:45tell him the
20:45correct answer.
20:46I've got it here.
20:47No,
20:47I'm not going to
20:48let him get away
20:48with this.
20:50It does mean a lot
20:50to him.
20:52Why are you on
20:52his side?
20:53I don't know.
20:55Maybe it reminds
20:56me of me dad.
20:57Reminds me
20:58of my Uncle
20:59Walter,
21:00the one they had
21:00to put in
21:00a home
21:01because he kept
21:01hiding dead
21:02mice in the
21:02biscuit tin.
21:05Final round
21:06coming up.
21:08And the
21:09Tearaways
21:09take the three
21:10bonus points
21:11from that
21:11round,
21:12which puts
21:12them one
21:13point behind.
21:15So,
21:15it's all
21:16down to
21:16the final
21:17round.
21:18A captain's
21:19round again
21:20with one
21:20question that
21:21counts for
21:22two points.
21:24So,
21:24Karen,
21:25what is
21:26Saturn's
21:27largest
21:28moon?
21:30Titan.
21:33Correct!
21:34So,
21:36the takeaway,
21:37the Tearaways
21:37take the
21:38lead.
21:39So,
21:39the whole
21:40season comes
21:41down to
21:41your question,
21:42Ted.
21:43You have
21:4420 seconds
21:44to answer
21:45who had
21:47a number
21:48one British
21:49hit in
21:501968
21:51with
21:52Young
21:53Girl.
21:57I'm not
21:58going to
21:58tell him.
21:58he's been
22:00difficult
22:01and stubborn
22:01and rude
22:02and...
22:03Oh,
22:04sod it.
22:05That's exactly
22:05what I'll be
22:06like in 20
22:07years' time.
22:08Give him the
22:09right answer.
22:10Right.
22:13I don't know
22:14it.
22:15Ted,
22:16it's Gary,
22:17Puckett,
22:18and the
22:18Union Gap.
22:20Gary,
22:20Puckett,
22:21and the
22:21Union Gap.
22:24You've
22:24one more
22:25second to
22:26answer.
22:26Gary Puckett
22:27and the
22:28Union Gap.
22:29The Beatles.
22:32Incorrect!
22:37Ted,
22:38Puckett!
22:39Ted,
22:39Puckett!
22:41Well,
22:42how was I to
22:43know it was the
22:43correct answer?
22:45I mean,
22:45how can
22:46something called
22:47Gary Puckett
22:48and the
22:48Union Gap
22:49be serious?
22:51Well,
22:51you see,
22:52this is what
22:52happens when
22:53I try to
22:53help you.
22:54Help me?
22:55You wrecked
22:56our whole
22:56season.
22:57You were
22:58cheating.
22:59Anyway,
23:00so much for
23:00we can't
23:01lose.
23:02I'm wearing
23:02my lucky
23:02underpants.
23:04Well,
23:05they were
23:05lucky.
23:06Lucky they
23:06had room
23:07enough to
23:07hide the
23:07sound
23:08equipment.
23:10You're
23:10lucky I
23:11don't raise
23:12the rent to
23:12cover the
23:13200 quid
23:14you lost
23:14me.
23:14You do
23:15that and
23:16I'll
23:16leave.
23:19All right.
23:20Okay,
23:21forget it.
23:22You know,
23:23Shelley,
23:23Mark before
23:24he left
23:25told me
23:25why you
23:25gave me
23:26that final
23:26answer.
23:27He said
23:28it was
23:28because you
23:29thought you'd
23:30end up
23:30just like
23:30me.
23:32I didn't
23:32say exactly
23:33that.
23:34But it's
23:34true,
23:35though.
23:36You know,
23:37I have to
23:37say it,
23:37Shelley.
23:38You remind
23:39me of my
23:40son.
23:41I didn't
23:41know you
23:41had one.
23:42Yeah.
23:43Yes,
23:44in Australia.
23:46And I
23:46think he'd
23:47have done
23:47just what
23:48you did
23:48tonight.
23:50Would
23:51he?
23:52Yeah.
23:53Because
23:54he's a
23:54petty,
23:55meddlesome,
23:57sanctimonious
23:58little
23:58git.
24:00Just
24:00like
24:01you.