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00:00To be continued...
00:30Erm...
00:36Ooh...
00:38Erm...
00:42Am I to take it you're not sure, Mr Shelley?
00:47Well, I think the top half's darker.
00:51You think the top half's darker?
00:53Yes.
00:54Good.
00:55Well...
00:56No, hang on now. I'm not sure.
00:58I don't believe it.
00:59Well, the more I look at it, the darker the bottom half gets.
01:02I'm sorry, it's hard to make my mind up.
01:05By nature, I've never been particularly decisive anyway.
01:08I can't decide why that is.
01:10We spent half an hour on these.
01:15Let's go back to the letter, shall we?
01:17Can you read the third line from the bottom, please?
01:20No problem.
01:23C, G, R, F...
01:26Or it could be a T.
01:28S, K...
01:29No, no, hang on.
01:30That's an H with a sort of corner missing.
01:34Try the next line up.
01:36Q, R, V, Z, X.
01:39Oh.
01:40I wouldn't like to get that lot in a game of Scrabble.
01:44Right, Mr Shelley.
01:46How long since you last had your eyes tested?
01:49Well, not for some time.
01:50I mean, I've always had excellent eyesight.
01:52From when I was young.
01:53Yes, well, when you were young, no doubt you had lots of hair,
01:56good muscle tone and a high sperm count.
02:01Won't have any of those now.
02:04Time passes on, Mr Shelley.
02:09Are you saying my eyesight's deteriorated?
02:11Let's put it this way.
02:12You can forget a career as a fighter pilot.
02:15You need glasses, Mr Shelley.
02:16In fact, it's my guess you've needed glasses for the last three or four years.
02:20For close work, at any rate.
02:22Reading, writing, brain surgery, that sort of thing.
02:27I definitely need them, do I?
02:30Take my advice, Mr Shelley.
02:32Don't fight the ageing process.
02:35Just give in gracefully.
02:39We're all of us caught up in the same mystical cycle of life,
02:42which reads, you get born, grow up, get laid, get married,
02:47get divorced, get old, peg out, get buried.
02:53Well, I can see you're a deeply spiritual person
02:55who takes the optimistic view of life.
02:58Oh, I missed one out.
03:00Get sacked.
03:01Ah, well, now, that's one of my favourites.
03:04Yes, I got the sack about two hours ago, actually.
03:08Of course, everyone's being very civilised about it.
03:09They've got nothing against my work, you understand.
03:11It's just that fewer people come for eye tests
03:13since they introduced charges,
03:15so the practice has to rationalise, cut its cloth, etc.
03:19Oh, right.
03:21Of course, it didn't stop them employing a bimbo of a new receptionist
03:23who just sits out there all day pointing her breasts at the customers.
03:27But who am I to question their financial planning?
03:30They assure me it's purely a question of economics.
03:35Personally, I suspect it can all be traced back to the Christmas party
03:38and that business with the Y-fronts and the superglue.
03:44Still, people won't be honest with you.
03:47What would you do in my place, Mr Shelley?
03:50Oh, I don't know. I mean, get a new job, make a new start.
03:53So you wouldn't engage in a mindless act of revenge
03:55like burning the shop down, for instance?
03:57No, I don't think so.
04:00Well, not without a good alibi, anyway.
04:04Well, thank you for sharing my problem, Mr Shelley.
04:07Here's your prescription.
04:12If you just step through here, our highly trained bimbo
04:16will sell you a pair of ridiculously overpriced frames
04:18which you don't really need.
04:22Oh, by the way, I've decided
04:24the top half was definitely duck.
04:31At least I think it was.
04:36And then I thought,
04:37OK, so she's left me.
04:39I've just got to pick up the pieces.
04:43And so I bought this book about surviving trauma
04:46and it said that simply talking about your bad experiences
04:49was a kind of therapy.
04:55And this book also says
04:56that the past is like a tapestry.
04:59And if you get right up close to the tapestry
05:03and stare at one tiny detail,
05:07then you don't see the picture at all.
05:08You don't see the picture at all.
05:09You have to step right back.
05:11And only then
05:13can you understand what the picture's about.
05:21It's quite a big idea, isn't it?
05:23But the thing is, James, since Carol's left,
05:27it's made me pull lots of bigger things into question,
05:29like...
05:31What's it all about?
05:32Where's it all leading?
05:33Why am I here?
05:35Yes, that question fascinates me, then.
05:39Why are you here?
05:41I just needed someone to talk to
05:42and I thought,
05:43you being so much more experienced than me,
05:45I thought we could have a little chat.
05:47Little chat?
05:48You should be sued under the Trades Description Act.
05:51You've been droning on for three hours.
05:54Have I?
05:55Time flies, doesn't it?
05:56Not always, it doesn't, no.
05:57Sometimes it sort of limps,
05:59like Long John Silver with Woodworm.
06:02Now,
06:04I know you've been going
06:06through a very rough emotional patch, Graham,
06:09and I'm sorry,
06:11but you see, right now,
06:13I...
06:14would like to go to bed.
06:18Right.
06:19I get the hint.
06:23Hint?
06:25Thanks for listening, James.
06:27I feel I'm coming to terms with Carol leaving now.
06:29I no longer think about committing suicide
06:31or walking into her office
06:32and denouncing her as a harlot.
06:35I think I'm...
06:36accepting that the whole experience
06:38is part of a sort of...
06:41mystical cycle of life.
06:42Oh, no, not another one.
06:45I had a lecture on that this morning from my optician.
06:48She explained to me that the mystical cycle of life would result in bits dropping off my body faster than off a DC tent.
06:57And sure enough, by lunchtime, I'd develop this raging toothache.
07:02You should see a dentist.
07:04Brilliant tones!
07:06I'm not too keen on dentists.
07:09Are you scared of dentists?
07:10No, of course not.
07:12What's there to be scared of?
07:13I've always been wary of them, ever since I saw The Marathon Man.
07:17You know, that film starring Laurence Olivier.
07:20He plays a dentist who's a mass-murdering Nazi,
07:23and he's got Dustin Hoffman in the chair, and Hoffman won't talk.
07:25So the Nazi dentist just keeps drilling, drilling,
07:30till he can almost feel the drill biting into Dustin Hoffman's skull,
07:34slicing through the bone towards his brain.
07:39Still, it's just a film.
07:41But it's funny, the power films can have over you.
07:45For years, I couldn't go to the dentist without picturing him as a psychopathic Nazi.
07:51Well, that's ridiculous, letting films get to you like that.
07:55I suppose after Jaws, you wouldn't go to the toilet.
08:00And after the last tango in Paris, you change to margarine.
08:04You've got to keep these things in perspective, Graham.
08:08Dentists are highly trained professionals,
08:11not psychotic skull-slicers.
08:15I know.
08:16Yes, they're doctors. They know what they're doing.
08:19Of course.
08:21Mind you, that's what my cousin said.
08:22She had great faith in dentists, till one of them botched up a wisdom tooth job
08:25and she got an ear infection.
08:27She's half deaf now.
08:29Esther Ranson devoted four minutes to it.
08:32Right, Graham.
08:34This is another hint.
08:38Get out.
08:40Sorry.
08:41Still, you've nothing to worry about.
08:42You've got a strong rational streak, so you're not scared of the dentist.
08:46Now.
08:48At least I wasn't.
08:53Now, tell me if this hurts.
08:55This hurts.
08:58Ah!
09:03I'll take that as a yes, shall I?
09:07Have a rinse, Mr Shelley.
09:08Well, Mr Shelley.
09:12Well, Mr Shelley, you can tell a lot about somebody from the state of their teeth.
09:16Tell what sort of a life they've led.
09:19Every mouth tells a story.
09:21Really?
09:22And yours reads like a Harold Robbins novel.
09:26Decay and corruption abound.
09:29Now, there's plenty that has to be done, of course,
09:31but the main thing is to fix the little beauty that's giving you all that pain.
09:35Oh, please. I'll be ever so grateful.
09:37The pain.
09:39It's hard to describe.
09:41I mean, it's like the tooth's got a massive hole in it.
09:44And inside the hole, there are millions of microscopic Kylie Minogue singing the Birdie song.
09:55Well, as bad as that, eh?
09:57Well, don't worry. We'll soon fix it up.
10:00Now, do you want an injection, or are you the very brave and butch type?
10:04What do you think?
10:06We'll get the injection ready.
10:08Now, it's at this point that I usually suggest to my patients that they think about something pleasant,
10:13like making love to Kim Basinger,
10:16or spit-roasting a tax inspector.
10:21Open wide.
10:28There.
10:30You'll probably feel a little numb in a moment.
10:33Now, you're not anxious at all, are you, Mr Shelley?
10:36Uh-uh.
10:38It never ceases to amaze me the irrational fear that people have of dentists.
10:43Oh!
10:48Well, it's ridiculous, isn't it?
10:50Absolutely.
11:01Are you sure you're alright, Mr Shelley?
11:04You look a bit pale.
11:07All I'm going to do is where the old filling was, and I'm just going to drill that out of it, alright?
11:13Shouldn't hurt, it's perfectly straight-full.
11:16OK, here we go.
11:17There we go.
11:28Yes?
11:30Oh, yes, certainly.
11:32It's your wife.
11:34I'm sorry about this, Mr Shelley. Will you excuse me a second?
11:36Uh, yes, Jean.
11:38But, Jean, you can't.
11:40Jean...
11:42But I'm nothing without you and the kids.
11:44Let's talk about it, I have no idea.
11:45What do you mean, solicitors?
11:46We don't need solicitors.
11:47Jean!
11:48Jean!
11:49Jean!
11:50Jean!
11:51Jean!
11:52Jean!
11:53Right, where were we?
11:54Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'll uh, I'll come back later.
11:55Now, I must dash.
11:56Uh, I've clean forgot about a very urgent appointment, good Lord, is that the time I must be on my way?
11:57But I thought you were it on.
12:06Oh.
12:11So I'll give a hand for me, yes.
12:12Oh, oh, oh.
12:14Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
12:15Oh, oh, oh.
12:16What?
12:17Oh, oh.
12:18Oh, oh, oh.
12:21Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
12:23you were in a lot of pain it stopped just like that about 30 seconds ago it's a funny thing pain
12:30isn't it i mean it can come and go quicker than a jim davidson marriage i mean i'll come back when
12:37you're less less well you know when you're more oh i see you don't think i'm in a fit emotional
12:45state to do this work on your teeth well i'm not surprised i won't lie to you mr shelley i
12:51i've just had a deeply depressing phone call from my wife in which she informs me that she's
12:56seeking a divorce and she wants custody of our two children however even though i'm upset i am a
13:04professional mr sherry i've never let my personal feelings interfere with my work so long as you
13:09were in that chair my only thoughts would be for the welfare of my patient right okay well you
13:17understand my reaction i mean i was just a little bit reluctant to let someone who seemed to be on
13:23the verge of a complete nervous breakdown of a free shot my gums with the drill i'm a bit fussy like
13:29that i understand absolutely and in your position i'd probably feel exactly the same way but i can
13:35assure you that now i am totally in control right okay let's get on with it oh god i want to die
13:52i want to die
14:05if gene leaves takes the children of my life
14:23oh god i want to die if gene leaves takes the children my life's over it's just over
14:36well come on there must be hope what did she say on the phone why is she leaving is there someone
14:42else no she said there wasn't anybody else she's she's divorcing me on the grounds of mental cruelty
14:49that's ridiculous he's the kindest man i know what about communication i mean do the two of you
14:56talk well yes take last night for instance i got home she asked me about my day
15:03so i told her about this terribly diseased molar i'd had to remove
15:06but did you discuss any topics other than diseased molars yes the price of dental floss
15:13the problem of caries and the latest statistics on gingivitis right well now this is only a long shot
15:22but do you think that perhaps your wife is just a little bit miffed that your only topics of
15:28conversation revolve around dental disease i mean didn't you talk about anything else last night
15:35yes we did the prime minister was on television we talked about her strength as a politician
15:41good and i said she had very good teeth
15:47well it's true they make her very telegenic
15:50well she needs good teeth to bite the cabinet with now let's make a fresh start
15:55do you ever take her anywhere nice yes last august we went to cornwall for 10 days beautiful spot
16:06marvelous weather good food we went for walks in the evening watched the moon rise over the sea it was
16:12glorious it was the best dentist conference i've ever attended
16:16that was a very splendid session on hereditary gum disease now listen i'm
16:28no expert on affairs of the heart or any other human organ for that matter but it seems to me
16:34that your wife has just about had enough
16:42do you mean that she's fed up to the back teeth
16:47when was the last time you told her you loved her when did you take her flowers when the last time
16:52you took her to the cinema oh the last film we saw together was um marathon man
17:00starring laurence olivier it was a dreadful movie it was wrong in almost every detail of
17:05dentistry forget dentistry look if you want her back you're going to have to stop taking her for
17:15granted otherwise you're going to lose her he's right mr robson that's why my marriage broke up
17:22i had very strong feelings for jeffrey but i never let them show i just stopped communicating
17:29and slowly jeffrey and me became strangers
17:35damn it all mr sherry you're right i've been blind i'm going to show my wife that i love her
17:43even if i have to employ the red arrow skywriting team to do it thank you so much mr shelley i've
17:50just been wallowing in self-pity you've given me the determination to do something about it and
17:54in return i'm going to fix that nasty tooth for you yes well just as long as you're okay oh i promise
18:00absolutely okay no more hysterics open wide probe please sandra jeffrey forgive me
18:13god the pain what's that idiot done it's ten times worse now concentrate shelly mind over matter
18:35if the brain refuses to acknowledge the pain message then you won't feel any pain of course in
18:45this instance what the brain really needs is an answer phone hello this is the brain speaking i'm
18:52sorry i'm not in at the moment but if any nerves wish to leave any pain messages then may i suggest they
18:59kindly bugger off why did god make the nervous system so efficient if only he modeled it on british
19:09telecom i could have had the tooth decay and someone in bolton could have received the pain message
19:15oh it's no use i'm completely out of painkillers there's no booze hang on what if graham's got some
19:28this right if you've got any aspirins i want you to give them all to me now i've told you i've ruled
19:44out suicide well i haven't i'm in agony with this tooth so get me the aspirins right i see
19:49come on shelly fight the pain remember pain is just the body's way of telling you you trusted a dentist
19:59there we are oh no it's one of those childproof bottles you need a fire brigade to get one of
20:06these open oh give it to me i'll just swallow the bottle whole just put it on the tooth it numbs
20:14the pain i learned that trick when carol broke one of my back teeth in an argument about vat
20:21that's the thing about physical pain of course you can numb it with an aspirin but there are no
20:25aspirins for the soul oh god he's off again james i'm feeling so empty sometimes what should i do what
20:33is it with me why do people always want me to solve their problems any minute now i'm expecting the
20:39phone to ring hello james shelley this is the samaritans god we're depressed could you come
20:45round and talk us out of it well i've got problems too you know graham and right now my biggest problem
20:51is that a certain lovelorn dentist has inflamed my tooth so it's throbbing like a bullfrog on heat
20:57and the pain is indescribable a sort of nagging deep sickening ache which i can only liken to being
21:05caught up in a nuclear holocaust and discovering the only two survivors are me and jeremy beadle so
21:11whatever your problems are graham you're just gonna have to pull up your knickers and box on
21:17because i'm not listening anymore because i'm off
21:19dear oh dear dear oh dear oh dear oh dear which dentist did you say you saw last time
21:38a mr robson well he's really made a mess of that it looks like a heavily shell part of downtown bear root
21:47and it's horribly infected we'll have to put you on some antibiotics
21:55this um this mr robson he's not available is he only i'd like to quietly tear him limb from limb
22:02wouldn't we all he's buggered off to the seychelles with his wife for six weeks just like that
22:07no warning at all we're all having to cover his patients his nurse had some sort of nervous collapse
22:15she just strolled in on her ex-husband when he was at work apparently and started gibbering how she
22:21couldn't cope without him poor fellow i know him he's a venereologist at guys he was furious
22:28his patient wasn't too pleased either you know the trouble with this country mr shelley too many
22:38emotional weaklings people who just go to pieces and keep gibbering on about their problems absolutely
22:44i blame miriam stoppard really and those like her they turn problems into a growth industry we're all
22:52problematics it's because we've got nothing else to think about exactly there are millions in the
22:58third world with real problems like where's the next meal coming from i was trying to explain this to
23:05my wife last night of course well we've had a few financial problems and she got a bit down about it
23:10right i told her i said things have been a bit bumpy but what the heck admittedly
23:25i thought the bank could be a little more sympathetic
23:30i didn't expect them to actually take back the house like that
23:35and i'm not sure how we'll cope in temporary accommodation
23:40and marjorie started shoplifting again what would you do in my shoes mr shelley
24:01i'm not sure i'm not sure how the backlands will do whatever he wants to be liked
24:06it's not a great place
24:08so
24:11we we'd see you higher
24:13and we're just thinking about this
24:16we're at school
24:17and we're at school
24:20and we're still here
24:22and of course
24:23yeah
24:24our