- 05/05/2025
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00:00Poop, Poop, Poop
00:30blimey our first tax raid come in mrs. H good morning morning letter for you
00:45recorded I brought it up oh thanks very much mrs. H how are you not so good I
00:50forgot my leg yesterday it's playing me up something dreadful and there's one
00:55for you and all inland revenue it is a tax raid what do they want can't give them
01:02any more money they've got me down for a concord as it is
01:05you're late again no I'm not 10 to quarter past what honest bloody watch
01:14I'll see you with the house house what house house are you thinking of buying
01:21near here is it I don't believe it believe what bad news is it is it near
01:32here have you had breakfast mrs. H not yet no why fancy eggs and bacon fried
01:39sliced marmalade toast what I'm going to take you to Ernie's
01:43calf what for a deluxe celebratory breakfast no expense spared you can have
01:49two eggs if you like this moment must be marked in style oh boy what moment I'll
01:55get dressed perhaps you should change mrs. H and his calf is very exclusive you
01:59know they wipe the tables with pure cotton dishcloths good news then is it is it
02:12brick built or stone I think it's made a very stiff wallpaper the agents say it's a
02:20house of character retaining many of its original features oh that'll be the gas
02:24brackets and those exposed beams downstairs that's where the plaster has
02:29fallen away the exposed beams of the upstairs floor joists oh still oh come on
02:36Fran it's hopeless it's in appalling condition there's no electricity the only reliable water
02:41supply is the rising dam we could do things to it yeah like burn it well what about that place in
02:50Shackleton Road couldn't live there it's miles out we need a Sherpa guide to get to the tube it
02:56wasn't that far yes it was the taxi driver used a compass and sexant to find it full and borders
03:03as it was supposed to be was halfway to ready oh well what do you suppose semi-rural
03:11means backstreet by a bombsite I shall guess it's got those lovely fireplaces I
03:19know it has Fran it was a beautiful house I'm sure Julius Caesar was very happy here
03:23but it's added now you always look on the black side Shelley always knocking things I'll knock this
03:29place it'd fall down but we need a house for the kid what do you mean well we can't bring it up in
03:35a flat we can move to a house later on I mean it's not gonna pop out of your womb and start stomping
03:40around complaining about the accommodation or admiring the fireplaces how'd you feel by the way I'm all right
03:50well what shall we do we buy a nice flat small boring free of architectural treasures like inlaid dry rot
03:58and Queen Anne woodworm but warm and waterproof and sell it and buy a house later on yes I suppose so
04:05do you phone Leonard no oh Shelley you promised he's a house restorer he knows about the property and he's
04:14sitting there waiting to help us yeah I'll phone him later on he's going to be your father you should
04:19make an effort yes how's your mom okay anyway as long as we get him back okay by the way I sold my book
04:29oh that's great good right well I'll see you back at the office you did what they're going to publish my
04:42book what print it I think that's how they do it nowadays chaining monks to desks has got so
04:52expensive would you hear about it this morning that letter well why didn't you tell me when I got here
04:57oh I thought I'd give being blasé a bit of a whirl I did the singing and dancing bit this morning
05:02it's wonderful wonderful yes yes that's one word for it there's also superb miraculous fabulous or even
05:09thaumaturgical but wonderful will do well done Fran oh boy that's great well done well done bloody hell I'm
05:17marrying a real writer I mean that's terrific oh
05:21you take it calmly careful now mind the stairs you've got a book coming out dummy
05:29I mean who could afford these prices professional people I guess professional what payroll snatchers
05:50there's one here for 38,000 and it's got no bathroom well you could get a grant from the IMF
05:58you remember that house in Causeway Road another one with the mains typhoid and the Weetabix walls
06:04yeah how much was it don't know 20 I think yeah 20 it's a very good address oh wonderful address
06:13positively thaumaturgical wonderful address lousy house must be the only freehold cave in the hole of
06:20Fulham
06:22seen this
06:24is that the one
06:26two doors down
06:2849,000
06:30what's it got hot and cold running oil
06:32that's what they fetch round there
06:34look how much would it take to do up the one that we saw
06:38well let's see there's the cost of demolishing it
06:40that shouldn't be much good stiff breeze should do it then it's carting away the rubble laying the foundation
06:46Shelley
06:47well how do I know thousands of pounds and an excess of Dunkirk spirit
06:52yeah I see what you mean though
06:57where are you going?
07:01thought I'd phone Leonard
07:03high time I had a chat with my new dad
07:06where's Leonard?
07:11he had to go just left
07:13what'd he say?
07:1415,000
07:1615,000 pounds?
07:19no no Leonard deals in copex quaint isn't it?
07:22of course pounds
07:24just wanted to be clear
07:2635,000 pounds
07:28yeah well it was a nice idea
07:30there's a flat in Kilburn we can see this evening
07:32hang on hang on don't give up that easy
07:34let's think about it
07:36well there's no point
07:37we haven't got that kind of money
07:38you're so negative Fran
07:39always knocking things
07:40always looking on the dark side
07:41this is a lovely house worth fighting for
07:44I mean look at that fireplace
07:45but it's falling down
07:47you said so yourself
07:48well I didn't say it was falling down exactly
07:51a good stiff breeze would do it
07:53Weetabix walls
07:54the only cave in Fulham
07:56how come you suddenly started listening to what I say?
07:59I thought you wanted a house
08:01well I do
08:02okay then listen
08:03alright 35 is a lot agreed
08:06there's a bit of a gap between the mortgage we can get and the money we need
08:09now a bit of a gap?
08:10it's 10,000 pounds
08:13that's not a gap
08:14that's the Grand Canyon
08:15now look
08:16I happen to think that providing a home for our child is important
08:20we've stumbled across one hell of a chance here and I want a bit of cooperation
08:23a bit of positive thinking to try and get it
08:25a bit of Dunkirk spirit?
08:27shut up
08:28yes why not
08:29don't walk over to the window
08:31why not?
08:32floorboards are rotten just there
08:33you might fall through
08:34well I mean they're not too rotten
08:36just a bit on the softish side
08:38now we could borrow from the bank
08:40oh that'll be difficult
08:42why?
08:43we haven't got a bank account
08:44well we'll own one
08:46now there's my mum and your dad
08:48and what are we going to live on
08:49while we're paying off all this money?
08:51you worry too much
08:52that's your trouble
08:53I'm off to see Ma
08:54but we've got to take the keys back to the agent
08:56I shouldn't bother
08:57why not?
08:58the front door fell off when I came in
09:06sod it
09:15what brings you here?
09:16came to see how much you're good for
09:18you always were a loving son
09:20you want to drink tea or coffee or something?
09:22I'll have a coffee
09:24this place stinks mum
09:26I've been cooking
09:27I don't mean that
09:28the air is solid with marijuana
09:31it's like midnight express in here
09:33I'm always on to you to stop smoking the stuff
09:35you'll get even softer in the head
09:37it's not as bad for you as all the beer you get through
09:40yes it is
09:41on account of the fact that the fuzz don't force a dawn entry
09:43and lock you up for being in possession of a pint of light and bitter
09:46enough to cater for a rock concert here Ma
09:50they throw away the key
09:52every time I read about a big hall in the standard
09:54I start begging you a file in a pie
09:56you're making me old before my time
09:59you do look your age
10:01that's another thing
10:03what is?
10:04how old did you tell Leonard I was?
10:05oh that was ages ago
10:07what was?
10:08when I met him I knocked a bit off my age
10:10how much?
10:11a year or two
10:12a year or two?
10:13he kept asking me how I was getting on at school
10:16was I looking forward to university?
10:19well
10:20was I going out with girls yet?
10:22well I couldn't tell him I've got a son of 30
10:24could I?
10:25I am not 30
10:26I may be galloping towards it with unnerving speed
10:29but I haven't got there yet
10:31I've disabused him vis-a-vis my age
10:34good
10:35so have I
10:36was he helpful?
10:37very
10:38once he got over the shock of a schoolboy
10:40wanting to get married with a kid on the way
10:42wanting a £25,000 mortgage
10:44until then he thought he was dealing with a sexual Mozart
10:50oh for God's sake you grow the stuff in the window
10:54why don't you just send the old bill of notes
10:56saying cannabis grown here and have done
10:58he's got to get the son
11:00yeah?
11:01well what happens when a passing bobby
11:02cotton's on to the fact that you didn't buy those pot plants in Marks and Spencers
11:06it's an immoral law James you know it is
11:09well of course I know it is
11:10everyone knows it is except the judge
11:13judges take a very dim view of people enjoying themselves
11:16there's no greater crime
11:18and found this lot
11:19they treat it more seriously than rape
11:21exactly
11:22it's absurd
11:23oh well you'll always have that to console you
11:25when you're banged up and slopping out every morning
11:28good morning nice Mrs Prison Warder
11:30it's absurd I'm doing ten years in Holloway
11:32turned out nice again hasn't it
11:35do you want a cake?
11:36what you baked in them? Lebanese gold?
11:40raisins
11:41I suppose they lock you up for being in possession of dried fruit now do they?
11:44oh I give up
11:45thank God for that
11:48okay how much can you lend me?
11:49how much can you lend me?
11:50that is how are you and how much can you lend me?
11:52how much do you want only I'm a bit short this week
11:59a few thousand
12:01how much?
12:03I thought we'd sell some of your own grown dope
12:05do the country a favour we import far too much of that stuff
12:07what do you want it for?
12:09a house
12:11I'm going into property
12:12well can't you get a mortgage
12:13only for part of the price
12:14why's that?
12:15the place is a ruin
12:16it makes Tintern Abbey look like the Dorchester
12:19make it sound like a great investment
12:21yes well it is
12:22so what you reckon?
12:23I haven't got that kind of money
12:25I know but you're still a young woman you could go on the streets
12:27what do you really want?
12:31I want you to mortgage this place for me
12:35this place?
12:36yep
12:37I know you bought it for six and fourpence when dad died
12:39but it's worth
12:40it's worth a fortune now
12:41oh it's not worth that much
12:43what's this?
12:44for sale column
12:45that's Mrs Langton's place upstairs
12:47bloody hell is it worth that?
12:50yep
12:51and yours is worth more?
12:52why?
12:53Mrs Langton's hasn't got wall to wall cannabis
12:57look I only need three thousand
12:59well say four
13:00four thousand pounds
13:02five would be nice
13:03so that's the deal yes?
13:05only I can't stop we've got to touch Fran's dad as well
13:07well how much do you need for God's sake?
13:09well like I say
13:10five thousand from you
13:11and five from Mr Smith
13:12that's ten thousand pounds
13:15there's no need to buy you a calculator
13:17look
13:18if you do this for me
13:19I'll come and visit you in prison
13:20promise
13:21twice a year without fail
13:23I mean we make the payments
13:25it won't cost you anything
13:26how are you going to live?
13:28Fran's going to take him washing
13:29we can do it
13:31we worked it out
13:32she's practising potato peel soup and shoplifting
13:35where are you getting the mortgage?
13:37some cowboy broker
13:38Leonard knows
13:39they normally finance bank robberies and gun running
13:41but they'll make an exception in our case
13:46look Marv think it over
13:47phone your bank
13:48and if it's really cool
13:49that's great
13:50but don't do it if you're worried about it
13:51okay?
13:52yeah
13:53alright
13:54you weren't thinking of rolling a joint now were you?
13:57you evil little hypocrite
14:00you evil little hypocrite
14:09Good morning, Mr. Shelley.
14:28Morning.
14:29Lovely bank you've got here.
14:31Yes.
14:33Please sit down.
14:37Now, how can I help you?
14:39Two things.
14:40Yes?
14:41I'd like to open an account here.
14:42Jolly good.
14:44And what's the other thing?
14:45I'd like to borrow £10,000.
14:49How much were you thinking of opening your account with?
14:53Oh, £10,000.
14:53£15,000.
14:54£1,000?
14:56Single pounds?
14:58In cash.
15:01Do you have any savings, Mr. Shelley?
15:03£87.50.
15:05I see.
15:05Plus a month's interest.
15:07Do you own any property, house, whatever?
15:10No, that's why I want the money.
15:12Well, you need a mortgage, then.
15:13Can't get one big enough.
15:14Why not?
15:15The place is a ruin.
15:16The place is falling down.
15:18What sort of place is it?
15:20A slum.
15:21A period slum.
15:23A sort of artisan's hovel.
15:25You're not overselling it, I'll say that.
15:27What does it consist of?
15:28Two quite large dungeons downstairs.
15:31Two bedrooms, kitchen loo and garret.
15:35Do you think you could rummage around and come up with something good to say about it?
15:41Sure.
15:41Bought and restored for £35,000, it'll be worth £50,000.
15:44It's freehold near the tube, has original period fireplaces,
15:47and the tiles on the roof very nearly reach double figures.
15:50Who do you work for, Mr Shelley?
15:56Harper Macintosh Advertising Agency.
15:58Salary?
15:59£9,000 with a review in six months.
16:02Oh, plus luncheon vouchers and all the coffee I can drink.
16:05And how long have you been with them?
16:08Seven weeks.
16:09Ah.
16:10And who were you with before?
16:12No one.
16:13I was unemployed.
16:13Well, before you were unemployed.
16:15University, I was unemployed a long time.
16:17Oh, really?
16:18How long?
16:19Four years.
16:24Four years?
16:25Well, I don't like to rush into things, you know.
16:28You've got a degree.
16:30Yes, actually, I'm Dr Shelley.
16:32Well, you could have had any number of jobs.
16:34Not really.
16:34Not with my problem.
16:36And what's that?
16:37I'm bone idle.
16:42Still, you're in permanent secure employment now.
16:45Oh, yes.
16:46Well, I'll need to see a surveyor's report,
16:48and then we may be able to help a little,
16:50but certainly nothing approaching £10,000, I'm afraid.
16:53Ah.
16:54Now, about opening your account.
16:56Oh, no.
16:57Oh, no.
16:58You don't get my money unless I get yours.
17:02Anyway, thanks for seeing me.
17:03No hard feelings.
17:05Not at all, Dr Shelley.
17:08Oh, Dr Shelley.
17:09Yes?
17:11Close the original period door behind you, will you?
17:13How'd it go?
17:26I'm not entirely sure I handled it in the best possible way.
17:30You didn't get the money?
17:31No.
17:33What do you dad say?
17:35He'll give us five.
17:37Give us?
17:38Wedding present.
17:41But £5,000?
17:43I mean, that's £5,000.
17:46Yeah.
17:48God, that's amazing.
17:50Thaumaturgical.
17:51So it's all down to my ma.
17:54I wonder what she's decided.
17:57Police, open up.
17:59Open up.
18:01Open up.
18:02We have a warrant.
18:05The warrant is up as run.
18:06Hello?
18:24Open up, madam.
18:25Got you that time
18:28Evening all
18:32I should have drowned you at birth
18:35Infanticide eh madam
18:38I shall have to ask you to accompany me down to the station
18:41You evil little bastard
18:43Now you see I always thought you and dad were married
18:46Things you learn in a crisis
18:48I brought WPC Smith
18:50Fancies one of your happy cakes
18:51Hello Liz how are you
18:54Homicidal oh you come in you little son
18:56So I can beat you senseless
18:57Oh I nearly died
19:01Well there you are then
19:03Could have been for real
19:03Now get rid of it and just keep a bit
19:05You can flush down the loo at a moment's notice
19:07You did it awfully well
19:09Two quid this hat cost
19:11Two pounds for a joke
19:13See how much his son cares for you
19:15Gordon cover the front
19:17Good eh nice touch that
19:18My life flashed before me
19:21In a second I saw a lifetime of unsewn mail bags
19:24Yes
19:24I don't need telling
19:28So how are you
19:30I'm okay
19:31You're not very big
19:32Well it's only 12 weeks
19:34Six months hard still to go
19:36Oh it is hard and all
19:38Sorry just trying to be a comfort
19:40What do you want boy or girl
19:42Don't mind
19:43I want a girl
19:44We'll be giving it away if it's a boy
19:46Girl would be nice
19:47I always wanted a girl
19:49Oh well that's nice then isn't it
19:51Yep you were one big disappointment right from the start
19:55And you've kept it up ever since
19:56God you were a miserable infant
19:59What did he do?
20:01Complained incessantly
20:02Oh I can't believe that Isabel
20:04Oh god here we go
20:05Piggy in the middle
20:06What did he complain about?
20:09Largely the food
20:10Well you shouldn't have put dope in the farex then should you?
20:15I suppose you did have something to complain about actually
20:18No
20:18You were a hopeless wife and mother weren't you darling?
20:22Never mind
20:22You can try your hand at white haired old granny soon
20:25God don't
20:26Old granny?
20:28Oh you are a sod
20:29I don't know what Fran sees in you
20:31Oh well I'm red hot in bed
20:32You see my foreplay is practically Olympic
20:35I don't wish to know that
20:39I bet you do
20:40Dirty old cow
20:42It's not dirty
20:45You do wonder a bit about that sort of thing
20:48I bet you wondered about me and your dad
20:50That's traditional
20:50I did not
20:52God almighty you were children
20:54It was just an over ambitious game of mothers and fathers
20:57Sixteen
20:59I mean what were you thinking of?
21:00No I don't have to tell you what I was thinking of
21:02As far as I can see you think of nothing else
21:04Mind you
21:06I'll bet it's all mouth and trousers with you
21:09Always running me down Seymour
21:11Always knocking
21:12Just like Fran
21:13I don't knock you
21:15What about her book then?
21:16I know it's wonderful
21:18When's it coming out?
21:19About six months I should think
21:20Can I read it before then?
21:21Oh thank god I thought you'd never ask
21:23I just happened to have a manuscript carbon about my person
21:26Okay we've given you a fair crack at polite conversation
21:31What's the verdict?
21:33Well
21:33Yes I suppose
21:35Oh hooray!
21:37See?
21:37I can deny you nothing
21:38Oh that's great mum
21:39Thanks a lot
21:40Leonard seems to think it's a good idea
21:42Oh by the way
21:44I've got something to ask you
21:46Yeah?
21:47Will you give me away?
21:48I've been trying to do that for years
21:50I mean at the wedding
21:53Oh come on
21:55Oh yes Shelley
21:56Oh yes it'd be great
21:57It'd be wonderful
21:59Don't use that word again
22:00What word?
22:01Are you serious?
22:02Yes
22:03Should be family
22:04Come on fair's fair
22:05I do something for you
22:06You do something for me
22:07I know I know
22:08All right then
22:08It's a deal
22:09For 5,000 pounds
22:11This is how I grew up you know
22:14I had to haggle for my strained apple and gripe water
22:16Liar
22:18Listen I've got to kick you two out in a minute
22:21It's my night for giving blood
22:22Yeah?
22:24What'll they give you for that?
22:26If they analyse it about five years I should think
22:28So you're going to buy it then?
22:32Seems so
22:32Yep
22:33Blimey
22:35I know
22:36Big mortgage is it?
22:38As a borrowing requirement it would give Margaret Thatcher heart failure
22:41Not that I suppose that's saying much
22:44Still you've got a good job now and Fran sold her book
22:47I know it's bloody marvellous that is
22:49It's a brilliant novel Fran you're going to be famous
22:52You reckon?
22:52Yes I do
22:53I couldn't believe you'd written it
22:54It was just like a real book
22:56Creep
22:57Oh isn't he awful
22:58You'll miss me when we're gone Mrs H
23:00Yeah like toothache
23:02Anyway Fulham's not that far
23:05I can look in now and then
23:06Terrific we'll have a samovar plumbed in
23:09Well advertising themes to create
23:13A kid to bring up
23:14And a mortgage that would terrify Sheikh Yamanie
23:16Here what's this?
23:20I don't believe it
23:21What is it?
23:29It's a rebate
23:30All the money I paid in tax I'm getting back
23:33Of course you are
23:35You only worked eight weeks this year
23:37That's the legal fees
23:39Well what with one thing and another
23:41It's a good week for you too isn't it?
23:43Good
23:44It's more than good Mrs H
23:46It's thaumaturgical
23:47Right?
Recommended
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