- 13/05/2025
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00:00For more information, visit www.fema.gov
00:30And then for breakfast, I had two slices of buttered toast
00:33with reasonably chunky marmalade,
00:36an average-sized plate of cereal that makes no noise
00:39when you pour milk on it,
00:41and a coffee, white, one sugar.
00:46Well, I think that rounds up the highlights of the week, Fran.
00:49Still probably sounds very exciting by Canadian standards.
00:54Aha! Did you hear that?
00:56The thrilling thud of junk mail on junk carpet.
01:05Anything for me?
01:07Mr. Shilly.
01:08Mr. Sheltie.
01:10Mr. Shirley.
01:13Mr. Smelly.
01:17Nothing like a personal letter from a computer.
01:21Oh, and one wrong address.
01:26Invest now for your twilight years.
01:33Buy unit trust today and be a golden oldie tomorrow.
01:38Save now and die happy.
01:42Forty is only a day away from seventy.
01:46I don't think I trust their mathematics.
01:48No.
01:49Touching how so many financial institutions
01:52are so concerned for my welfare these days,
01:55I've only just finished worrying about puberty.
01:58Now I'm supposed to worry about senility.
02:01No free offers?
02:02No go-lamé long johns?
02:04No.
02:05Just 24-carat guff.
02:09I'll take this across the road.
02:11Right, don't forget tonight.
02:12Eight o'clock.
02:12Tried to reach a hundred.
02:34You won't reach thirty-five if you keep lifting that thing up and down.
02:38No, I mean, a hundred jerks.
02:40I'm after a hundred jerks.
02:41I can see one from here.
02:49Oh, I've lost count now.
02:51It's very difficult.
02:53Yes.
02:55Yes, yes it is.
02:56No, I mean, I've never had to count without a calculator before.
02:59What?
03:01How do you manage O-level maths?
03:03Oh, you don't need that to work in the city.
03:06Well, at least that explains the trade deficit.
03:08Nigel's lost his calculator.
03:09Anyway, what is this with you?
03:14This constant obsession with exercise.
03:17Not the shares in a funeral parlour, have you?
03:20You know what they say?
03:22Healthy body, healthy mind.
03:24It's not working, Graeme.
03:27Sorry?
03:28I should go for a dirty mind.
03:29That way you don't have to work at anything.
03:31Apart from getting a second-hand Mac.
03:34That's all very well now, James.
03:36Being unfit.
03:37But what about when you're old and grey?
03:38No, you've got to see your physique as a long-term investment.
03:42What I'm doing is developing my body for the 21st century.
03:45You read that somewhere?
03:50Uh, yes, it was on the box.
03:51Ah.
03:53Anyway, seeing as you're in, do you want a coffee?
03:55Why not?
03:56And what did it say on the box that came in?
03:59Cyclists do it at 110?
04:01Honestly, Graeme, you're an ad man's dream.
04:05You must be single-handedly responsible for the entire consumer boom.
04:10Whatever was that crash?
04:12I was convinced you'd killed yourself.
04:14And you rushed out the moment you had a gap in your appointments diary.
04:17Very moving.
04:19Yes, well, my nail varnish was drying.
04:21Anyway, he's fully insured.
04:23What are you doing out of bed?
04:25It's a Saturday.
04:26How much is he insured for?
04:28If I drop the dumbbell on his head, can we go halves?
04:32A, you couldn't lift the dumbbell to drop it on his head.
04:35And B...
04:36There's nothing in his head you could damage with the dumbbell.
04:41On the Japanese Stock Exchange, they all do kip-fet exercises,
04:44first thing every morning.
04:45Not a good example of the Japanese, Graeme.
04:47Whenever the shares go down, they all disembowel themselves.
04:50Milk and one sugar in the coffee, please.
04:53Coffee?
04:55I have come all this way over here just to bring you a letter
04:58out of the goodness of my very big heart.
05:01Wrongly delivered.
05:02Yes, well, what do you expect from a nationalised industry?
05:05They just chuck them in the first letterbox they come to.
05:07Or give them to dogs to eat.
05:09Or mulch them down at home for compost.
05:12Well-known facts.
05:13What is a well-known fact is that a bit of profit motive
05:16would do wonders for the post office.
05:17What, postman on bonus incentive schemes?
05:21God help us, they'd all be banging on the door day and night,
05:24shouting, come on, write some more letters, you lazy git!
05:29Not to mention setting dogs on you for using second-class stamps.
05:32It's too early in the morning to discuss business with you.
05:35I suppose you want to sit down to have your coffee?
05:38Is that more expensive?
05:40It'll be put on your flat service charge.
05:47Well, aren't you going to read it?
05:50What?
05:51You mean aloud?
05:53I just thought it could be important.
05:55You just thought it could be interesting.
05:58Just steam this open for James, will you?
06:01Sorry?
06:02It's a life insurance policy for Graham.
06:05Happy?
06:05I thought he was already insured.
06:07Oh, I am.
06:08Got quite a few life insurances.
06:10Er, nine now, I think.
06:13Nine?
06:14What, do you get a special rate if you claim to be a cat?
06:18Jolly useful things, life insurances.
06:20Not when you're dead, surely.
06:22The spending habits of dead people are usually very low.
06:26Yes, but it's Carol that would get the money.
06:28Really?
06:28She's not been watching old Hitchcock movies, has she?
06:33Better check out the kitchen, Graham.
06:36The usual giveaway is a spice rack full of belladonna.
06:40That means it's time for takeaways.
06:43Don't be so silly.
06:45Everyone's got life insurance.
06:47I've got five.
06:48I haven't.
06:50We're going to be whoopies.
06:55We're going to be what?
06:57Whoopies.
06:58Well-off old people.
07:00Oh, my God.
07:01Senile yuppies.
07:04The only thing I ever liked about yuppies
07:07was their endearing habit of cracking up at 25
07:09and dropping dead at 26.
07:12I don't think I could face a London full of 85-year-olds
07:16driving Porsches
07:17and jamming all the car phones with calls to plastic surgeons.
07:21Do you think I could insure myself against living to a ripe old age?
07:28Haven't you made any arrangements for when you're old?
07:30I say, okay, sirrah, sirrah, twice a day.
07:33I think something must have gone terribly wrong during your formative years.
07:39And what did you do?
07:40Have a nasty experience with a piggy bank?
07:42I can just see you with a piggy bank, Carol.
07:45Age five, complaining about the rate of interest, withdrawing the pig and transferring to another family.
07:52Why are you so perverse?
07:56It's called being normal.
07:58Old age is something old people worry about.
08:01In between acne and your free bus pass, you're supposed to do something called living.
08:05We go down the wine bar once a week.
08:09Most weeks.
08:10All the saving and planning and playing safe.
08:14I mean, look at really successful people like Columbus, for example.
08:18If he'd have put his pocket money on a down payment for a retirement home,
08:22he'd never have gone and discovered America.
08:25And how many continents have you discovered lately?
08:27What, big ones?
08:29Look, I worry about being 65 when I'm 64.
08:32Who said anything about 65?
08:34We're going to stop work at 40.
08:36Young whoopies.
08:38We'll have a cushion against our old age.
08:41A whoopie cushion.
08:4440?
08:45You're going to retire at 40?
08:47Yes.
08:48When we're your age, we'll be lying on a deluxe king-sized bed all morning,
08:52sitting in a jacuzzi all afternoon and being fed giant grapes by servants all evening.
08:57Really?
08:57How boring.
08:59And all thanks to planning and playing safe.
09:04Yes, well, I think I'd better be off.
09:07Leave you to, uh, do some more saving.
09:13Oh, thanks.
09:14I'll take that.
09:15All right.
09:16Thanks, Grandad.
09:17I don't believe it.
09:27A special pension supplement.
09:30I've only been gone 10 minutes and my life's been switched to fast forward.
09:35I wonder what speed people age at in Canada.
09:40Oh, you're late.
09:49It's my carefree lifestyle.
09:53That and the bus got caught in a traffic jam.
09:55You're lucky.
09:56I was caught in a taxi.
09:57What's happening to London?
09:59Nothing moves anymore.
10:01It's like Madame Tussauds on wheels out there.
10:05All that trouble those cavemen went to inventing the bloody wheel,
10:08they might as well have left it square.
10:12Yeah, well, if you think the traffic's a good example of still life,
10:14you should have seen my Gigi.
10:16Cardiac arrest at the starting blocks, was it?
10:19Overdosed on Magadown, I reckon.
10:21How come you can afford a taxi?
10:23I didn't pay for it.
10:24I gave the driver some racing tips instead.
10:28You what?
10:29Told him I was a trainer.
10:31You'll need to wear a pair if he ever sees you again.
10:35And how was your day?
10:37Used a pelican crossing when the little man was still at red.
10:41Posted a letter to the bank manager without a stamp on
10:44and broke wind in a lift.
10:45Oh, yes.
10:46Still the maverick.
10:48Still the born rebel.
10:50It's your landlord, I feel sorry for.
10:51Mr. and Mrs. Conventional Living, 1989.
10:55Must be like having a cuckoo in their nest.
10:57As long as it craps money, they don't mind.
11:01Yeah, well, it probably does some good
11:03to have a subversive round the place.
11:05Oh, I do my best.
11:06I tell them amusing anecdotes
11:08about the Wall Street crash of 29,
11:10how medical research shows
11:13that counting banknotes can make you go blind
11:16and that a pension plan is the first sign of rigor mortis.
11:20I take it you weren't offered breakfast this morning?
11:22No, no.
11:23We had a clash of philosophies this morning.
11:25They called me an irresponsible waster
11:27and I told them they had all the adventurousness
11:30of the recently embalmed.
11:32And did that win them over?
11:34No.
11:35They still think it's safer to drop dead
11:37than live dangerously.
11:39I'm afraid that living for the moment
11:41is becoming a specialist art, Phil.
11:45Not many of us left still have the nerve.
11:47Hmm, very true.
11:50Another?
11:52Couldn't borrow a few greenbacks, could I?
11:55No.
11:57Oh, thank you.
11:58Hey.
11:59And what are all these?
12:01Happy Bachelor Pensions Limited?
12:05Home Security Pensions Limited?
12:09Long Life Pensions Limited?
12:12I'm just posting them for friends.
12:25At which point I started to worry
12:40that by that age,
12:42with my teeth falling out in clumps
12:45and my eyes being on the blink
12:48and my legs going loose at the end
12:51and my bowels going freelance
12:54and my mind going a blank,
12:57I might have difficulty reaching the workhouse.
13:01Oh, come on.
13:02Life's not that bad at 45.
13:05Oh, you British.
13:06In the States, wrinklies have a great time.
13:09Yeah, there's reduced-price hang gliding,
13:13concessions at massage parlours,
13:15varicose vein competitions,
13:18widow swapping.
13:20You know that soon,
13:21for every million retired people,
13:24there'll be approximately one person of working age.
13:27Well, for God's sake,
13:29what's brought all this on?
13:30Menopause?
13:32No, advertising.
13:33People selling pensions.
13:35They make old age sound more terrifying
13:37than the AIDS commercials.
13:39Oh, dear.
13:40First sign of premature senility, that is.
13:42What is?
13:43Believing advertisers.
13:44Oh, you're probably right.
13:45But 30 years from now,
13:47what is going to be the sum total of my worldly goods?
13:51Probably an occasional food parcel from Canada,
13:54a roast elk sandwich and a maple leaf.
13:57Come on, cheer up.
14:00Life's too short.
14:01I tell you, Shelley,
14:02I'll worry about being 65 when I'm 64.
14:06You know what I mean?
14:07Sounds vaguely familiar, yes.
14:10Back home, what they say is,
14:12pick yourself up,
14:13dust yourself down,
14:14and you do it all over again.
14:15Yes, they say that
14:16because you Americans
14:17can't tell the difference
14:18between real life and a musical.
14:20Eh, that's more like your old offensive self.
14:23You gotta take life as it comes, huh?
14:25You know my motto?
14:27Que sera, sera.
14:31It's Italian.
14:32I know it's Italian, bloody yank.
14:36You're talking to a European.
14:39Someone who can order Italian ice cream
14:41in four flavours.
14:44Yes, you're right.
14:45Why worry?
14:47To hell with caution.
14:49I'll even pay the bill.
14:51Uh, wait.
15:03You don't fancy a dead cert
15:05in the 4.30 at Sandown, do you?
15:11I'm a trainer.
15:14No, just asking.
15:16There.
15:17Oh, and, uh,
15:19you better have these
15:20for your old age.
15:24And what's more,
15:25we'll go for a slap-up meal
15:26next week sometime.
15:28First rule of successful living,
15:30you think big.
15:31Couldn't we think big
15:32and eat small?
15:34Hey, we're talking lifestyle here,
15:35not bills.
15:37You know why Hemingway
15:38was such a success story?
15:39Because he was bigger than life.
15:40He blew his brains out.
15:44Yeah, but what big brains?
15:46Come on, expensive restaurant?
15:48You meet expensive people.
15:50It's contacts.
15:51That's true.
15:52I could be snapped up as a toy boy.
15:56Become a sex object for the rich and famous.
15:59I mean, after all, laid back is my favourite position.
16:02Eh, except that there's not much call these days
16:05for the old-fashioned clockwork toy boy.
16:08What do you mean, old-fashioned?
16:10Oh, each time you use someone your age,
16:12you've got to rewind them.
16:13And wait 24 hours.
16:18Now, your rich widow,
16:19she wants a modern toy boy
16:20with fuel injection.
16:23Still,
16:24still you're getting the right idea.
16:26Yes, well, I think I
16:28might just be ready
16:29for a spot of five-star high life.
16:33Still got a few quid in the post office.
16:36There's a French place,
16:38Carol and Graham,
16:39swear by.
16:40Bit posh, I gather.
16:41Won't let you in
16:42without clean underwear.
16:44Great, let's book it.
16:46And then perhaps
16:47onto a casino to pay for it.
16:49Then maybe a nightclub.
16:51At least,
16:52with this lifestyle,
16:53I won't have to worry about old age.
16:56I probably won't reach it.
16:58That's right,
16:59I always live like there's no tomorrow.
17:01After all, who knows?
17:03I might die before I get my inheritance.
17:06Night.
17:08You're what?
17:09Well, my uncle's in the oil business.
17:13I get a half for Texas
17:13when he kicks the derrick.
17:17Night.
17:21I haven't got an uncle.
17:23Ah.
17:32Two pounds fifty.
17:36Two pounds fifty?
17:37What's that?
17:38The charge for reading the menu.
17:41I knew there'd be something
17:42I could afford.
17:46Perhaps if I have the salad dressing
17:47as my main course.
17:49Do you think they'd take cards?
17:54I didn't know you had a credit card.
17:55I don't.
17:57I was thinking that after the meal
17:58I'd slip out of the toilet window
18:00and send them a postcard.
18:03Thank God for that post office book.
18:06Would this be the cream of society?
18:09Wandsworth?
18:10No.
18:12More like the skimmed milk end.
18:15Wallyville on Thames, this lot.
18:17The sort who can afford a Porsche
18:19but can't spell one.
18:22This way, Mr. Tapscott.
18:24Madame.
18:25We have your favourite table.
18:30James.
18:31Hello, Carol.
18:33Graham.
18:34What are you doing here?
18:36A course in car mechanics.
18:38So?
18:40No.
18:41What I meant was...
18:42You meant who let you in?
18:43And if we tip the waiter
18:44can we have you thrown out?
18:46Hello, Bill.
18:48Evening, Carol.
18:50I hope you're not letting James
18:51take advantage of your generosity.
18:54Oh, my shoulders are wide and broad.
18:57And your arms are too short
18:58to reach a pocket.
18:59I'll have the salmon
19:04followed by the quail
19:06and a vintage bottle of Mois Chandon.
19:10Paté and the pork, please.
19:12Thank you, gentlemen.
19:14Uh, no.
19:15What I meant was...
19:16You see, we've only ever seen you
19:17eating out of polystyrene cartons.
19:20Never off a plate before.
19:22You do know this isn't a takeaway.
19:24Do you mean I've got to throw up
19:27before I leave?
19:33Roman cuisine, is it?
19:35I was just pointing out
19:36I hadn't noticed
19:37the good food guide
19:39figuring prominently
19:40on your bookshelves.
19:41I've got a be-no annual
19:43with a cow pie recipe.
19:44This conversation is all about
19:48the English class system, Phil.
19:50You see, Carol is upset
19:51because the new Housing Act
19:53doesn't actually prohibit
19:55landlord and tenant
19:56from eating in the same restaurant.
19:58I'm really puzzled, James,
20:00knowing your devotion
20:01to poverty and squalor.
20:03Or will you be buying
20:04your hair shirts
20:04with a designer label
20:05from now on?
20:07Just showing, Phil,
20:08a civilisation in decay.
20:10You could have pressed
20:11your nose against the window.
20:12We'd have waved.
20:14What really puzzles me, however,
20:16is why you're not
20:17donating your dinner
20:19to the third world.
20:21You've always given
20:22the distinct impression
20:22of being on first-name terms
20:24with each and every one
20:24of the starving millions.
20:26I think they'd appreciate it.
20:30I think they've already
20:31had a go at you.
20:37My compliments
20:38to the designer.
20:40Thank you, monsieur.
20:43We're not ready yet.
20:44Is this just a sample?
20:47No.
20:48It's Nouvelle Cuisine,
20:49food designed
20:50by an accountant
20:51so they can sell
20:53advertising space
20:54on the rest of the plate.
20:55And that's the other thing.
20:57How on earth
20:58can you afford
20:58to eat here?
21:00Allah will provide.
21:03How?
21:04An Arab bank manager?
21:07God, you're so feckless.
21:08I thought she might be
21:10celebrating a new job
21:11or some windfall.
21:13Nope.
21:14We are.
21:15We've got a big
21:16shares dividend today.
21:18See?
21:19Stocks and shares.
21:20Planning.
21:20That's where our money
21:21comes from for this.
21:23Where's yours going to come from?
21:25Next month's rent.
21:25What?
21:28Oh, really?
21:30Do you see what he's like?
21:32I don't know
21:32how you put up with him.
21:34A butterfly
21:35only lives 24 hours
21:36but it makes more
21:37long-term plans
21:38than you do.
21:39You'd be the first
21:40to complain
21:41if I left eggs
21:41all over the flat.
21:43I had hoped
21:44our little chat
21:45the other day
21:46might have made you
21:46more responsible.
21:48Sensible.
21:49Like Phil.
21:50Hmm.
21:51Still,
21:52it won't be me
21:53having sleepless nights
21:5430 years from now.
21:56That's 2020 AD, Carol.
22:00I wouldn't ensure
22:01the world to last that long
22:02let alone me.
22:04Why?
22:05The world's not going to get
22:05knocked down by a bus,
22:06is it?
22:08Very roughly speaking,
22:11yes, Graham.
22:13Good heavens.
22:14And as you don't get
22:15a premium refund
22:16for Armageddon
22:17I see no point
22:18in stashing
22:19my money away
22:20so it's eat,
22:21drink and be
22:22incinerated by
22:23the ozone layer.
22:25That's quite enough,
22:26James.
22:27I don't wish to hear
22:27about the end of the world
22:28while I'm eating.
22:30James?
22:32How big is this bus?
22:38And then again,
22:39in the draft proposals
22:41for the apocalypse
22:43there were only
22:44four horsemen.
22:46Now it'd be like
22:47Derby Day.
22:48Pollution,
22:48inundation,
22:50radiation,
22:50ozonification.
22:53Can I help you?
22:54Yes, we're looking
22:55for a Mr Shelley.
22:56He is I.
22:59I think we must want
23:00Mr Shelley Jr.
23:03There isn't one.
23:04Oh.
23:05I could put on shorts.
23:07It's a bit late
23:07to start, isn't it?
23:10It's 9.20.
23:11What do you have in mind?
23:13No, sir,
23:13I think my colleague
23:14meant your age.
23:16My A?
23:16Yes, sir,
23:17you didn't mention
23:18your age
23:18when you wrote
23:19to us.
23:21About wanting
23:21a pension.
23:26Ah.
23:26I don't know.
23:27I don't know.
23:27I don't know.
23:28I don't know.
23:28I don't know.
23:29I don't know.
23:29I don't know.
23:30I don't know.
23:30I don't know.
23:31I don't know.
23:31I don't know.
23:31I don't know.
23:31I don't know.
23:32I don't know.
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