- 15/05/2025
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TVTranscript
00:00I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:30We're getting low on beer.
00:31Yes, there's a reason for that.
00:33You keep drinking it.
00:35You sit up. It's Christmas Eve.
00:37I've noticed.
00:38It was those people on the tube,
00:40wearing funny hats and throwing up all over each other
00:43that was the giveaway.
00:45You are miserable.
00:46Look on me as the one come to show you the error of your ways.
00:50I am the spirit of Christmas past.
00:52The spirit of Christmas pissed, possibly.
00:55You've been here three and a half hours.
00:58Weren't you spending a happy traditional Christmas Eve with Donna?
01:03Well, I could, yeah, but I told her,
01:05hey, we'll get a lot of time together,
01:06but my friend Shelly's on his own,
01:08and I feel I should be with him.
01:11So when she throw you out?
01:13How can you say that?
01:16This morning.
01:19Who did she catch you with?
01:21Oh, give me a break.
01:22I don't know where you get this idea that I'm some kind of Lothario.
01:25Maybe it's because you order your condoms from a wholesaler.
01:29You're the only man I know who actually oils his trouser zip.
01:34I think Philanderers were named after you.
01:38Well, look on the bright side.
01:39Now I can stay with you,
01:40and we can have a good old traditional British Christmas together.
01:43I don't want one.
01:46Remember the great Christmases we had in the Gulf?
01:48The tree?
01:49Plum pudding posted from England?
01:51That nativity set that Abdul got together?
01:53Oh, yes.
01:55One shepherd, two Jesuses,
01:58two wise men,
01:59and 67 camels.
02:03And it made you dress up as Father Christmas?
02:05Ooh, that was funny.
02:07Yes, especially when I collapsed from heat exhaustion,
02:09they had to rush me to hospital.
02:11Yeah.
02:11And who was the only one that came to visit you?
02:13Me.
02:14Only because you fancied one of the nurses.
02:16Yeah, but I came.
02:18Now,
02:18I wouldn't want to call in any old favours.
02:21Duh.
02:23All right.
02:24But
02:24no traditional getting smashed
02:27and stuffing ourselves silly
02:29till we look like the Michelin man.
02:31Sure, sure,
02:31but
02:32well, you snip up the supermarket
02:33and pick up a few bits and pieces.
02:35A few bits and pieces.
02:46What's the matter?
02:47Don't you like shopping?
02:48That wasn't shopping.
02:49That was looting.
02:52Look at the size of this turkey.
02:54We'll need a forklift truck
02:56just to get it in the oven.
02:58Oh,
02:59you need a good-sized bird.
03:00Oh,
03:01is that what it is?
03:01I thought it was a horse with wings.
03:05Must be the only turkey
03:06that's actually fatter than Bernard Matthews.
03:09What's the trouble with you, Brits?
03:11You think small.
03:12Oh, of course.
03:13You Americans,
03:13you've always got the biggest of everything,
03:15the biggest buildings,
03:16the biggest cars,
03:18biggest wally as president.
03:20Oh, be fair.
03:21Old George is a great improvement.
03:23There's several international crises
03:24he's not slept through.
03:26Anyway,
03:27come on, Shelley,
03:28you can't bait me.
03:29I am not a typical American.
03:31No pickup truck,
03:32no baseball cap,
03:33no check trousers.
03:35Usually no check.
03:37Two dry white wines, please.
03:40Anyway,
03:41I've seen you in a baseball cap.
03:44It's always puzzled me.
03:46It had
03:46Eat Ted's Torpedoes
03:49written on it.
03:51A torpedo
03:52is a very large sandwich.
03:54It's real big.
03:54It's about two foot long.
03:56Oh,
03:56suppose the Nouvelle Cuisine version
03:57is only one foot six inches long.
04:00Honestly,
04:00you're in...
04:01Graham.
04:06Graham,
04:07what's the matter?
04:09Everything.
04:10This is the worst day of my life.
04:12Don't tell me
04:13one of the other stockbrokers
04:14is playing with your portable phone
04:15and won't give it back.
04:19Carol's left me.
04:21So what's the bad news?
04:22My God,
04:32it means it.
04:33I found this note.
04:38Graham,
04:39it's all over.
04:40I found someone else.
04:42Love, Carol.
04:44P.S.
04:44Don't forget to pick up
04:45the dry cleaning.
04:50Very sorry, Graham.
04:51She meant everything to me.
04:55I don't know
04:56what I'm going to do
04:57for next week.
04:58I don't know what to do.
05:00I think I'm going
05:01to kill myself.
05:02You mustn't do that.
05:03Why not?
05:04Well, you're...
05:06Phil, tell him.
05:09Well, you're...
05:10You're...
05:11Young.
05:12Yeah.
05:13Yes.
05:14Exactly.
05:14I've got years
05:15of loneliness ahead
05:16and Christmas Day
05:17on my own.
05:18I can't stand it.
05:20Well, why don't you
05:24spend Christmas Day
05:26with us?
05:27I couldn't.
05:29But then,
05:30I've got nowhere else to go.
05:31Why not?
05:33Great.
05:35Will there be enough turkey?
05:37Hey.
05:40Is the Pope a Catholic?
05:44Yes, I think so.
05:45It's just a matter of time, Graham.
05:55And it was rough
05:57when me and Fran split up.
05:58Hmm.
05:59And when me and Donna split up.
06:01And when me and Sue split up.
06:03For that matter,
06:04when me and Carrie split up.
06:06Yeah.
06:06Yeah.
06:07And even when me and Donna
06:08split up for the second time.
06:09I don't think I came up
06:11to Carol's standards.
06:14You know,
06:15she used to think
06:16I was a bit thick.
06:20God, I feel it.
06:24Oh, poor bastard
06:25just losing her like that.
06:27Poor bastard
06:27marrying her
06:28in the first place.
06:32Carol, though.
06:32Fancy her
06:35having a bit on the side.
06:37Oh, I don't know.
06:39Oh, come on.
06:39She listed sex
06:40under non-profit
06:41making activities.
06:44I can just see
06:45her wall planner.
06:4712.30 meeting.
06:4812.47 sex.
06:5012.49 orgasm.
06:5212.50 lunch.
06:55I'm sure she had desires
06:56just like any other human being.
06:57She's not a human being.
06:59She's an estate agent.
07:00The only thing
07:02that got her sexually aroused
07:03was the sight
07:04of a first-time cash buyer.
07:07I don't think that's fair.
07:09Not fair?
07:11We're talking about Carol here.
07:13Are you feeling all right?
07:15Sure, sure.
07:15I'm just upset about Donna.
07:17That's all.
07:18But it's Christmas
07:19that does it, you know.
07:20More marriages break up now
07:21than any other time.
07:23I was having to sit through
07:24the bloody sound of music
07:25year after year.
07:28There's even more suicides
07:29at Christmas.
07:30You don't think
07:34he'd do anything silly, do you?
07:36What am I saying?
07:38He's never done
07:38anything else yet.
07:40Is there anything
07:41dangerous in there?
07:42Only a Giles Brandreth
07:43joke book.
07:45Oh, no, there's
07:46a bottle of paracetamol.
07:51Graham?
07:52Graham?
07:54Graham!
07:55Leave me alone!
07:57Oh, God!
07:58Phil, get him out of there!
07:59Hey, Graham!
08:00Come on, man.
08:02Graham, can you hear me?
08:02Once in royal
08:04David City.
08:05Thank you very much.
08:06Not now!
08:08I owed it.
08:09We're carol singers.
08:10You give us money.
08:12Open that door, man.
08:12I'm short of cash.
08:14We take credit cards.
08:17Will you two just come back later?
08:19I'm going to have to break the door down, Graham.
08:22Look, it's no good.
08:23We're going to have to break the door down.
08:25Okay?
08:26I've always wanted to do this.
08:33Gee, it works in Miami Vice.
08:34We need something heavy.
08:38Something like an axe.
08:40Why's that?
08:40Well, so we can smash right through the...
08:42What were you doing in there?
08:46Nothing.
08:47There's paracetamol all over the floor.
08:49How many have you taken?
08:51How many?
08:52How many?
08:53One.
08:53One.
08:55One?
08:56I never could swallow pills.
08:58Oh, those bloody carol singers.
09:03Look, son of, will you?
09:05Hello.
09:08Dad!
09:10I forgot we invited him for Christmas.
09:13I tried here as there was no answer next door.
09:16Oh, don't stand there gawping, son.
09:18I need a drink.
09:19Come on, lad.
09:20Chop-chop.
09:22Um, I think perhaps Mr. Tapscott, I should explain that, um,
09:28Graham's had some very sad news, and, uh,
09:32well, a few moments ago he tried to take some pills.
09:38Typical.
09:40One little setback and he goes around trying to commit suicide.
09:43Dad, Carol's left me.
09:45Oh, good.
09:46I never liked her.
09:48You should have listened to me, you see.
09:50Just the two of us for Christmas dinner, is it then?
09:53Well, Shelley and Phil have offered, so...
09:55Oh, nice of them to invite us.
09:56I hope you can cook a good turkey.
09:59You can use Graham's kitchen.
10:01He's got a proper one.
10:04Pour me a drink, son.
10:06Getting rid of the wife.
10:07It's good for you.
10:08My marriage didn't last, you know.
10:10Now, there's a surprise.
10:12She accused me of being overbearing.
10:15Well, I wouldn't stand for it.
10:16I threw her out.
10:17She left you, Dad.
10:20Industry.
10:21That's what this boy should have gone into.
10:22Should have followed my example.
10:23You know, my friends told me that last year I came that close to an OBE.
10:29Now then, where shall I put this suitcase?
10:31Don't tempt me.
10:36Where's Graham?
10:37Is he all right?
10:38It sounds like a natural function.
10:44What's the father doing?
10:46He's in Graham's flat putting up decorations.
10:49Can you imagine what this Christmas dinner's gonna be like?
10:51I think we should stuff that turkey with sage and valium.
10:56Yeah, about Christmas dinner, you know, I just remembered.
10:58I got this aunt living out at Hounslow, and I...
11:00She died.
11:01Forgot to mention it.
11:02They phoned while you were out of the room.
11:04That must have been another ear.
11:08No, no, no, no.
11:09You got us into this dinner, and you're not getting out of it now.
11:13Hi.
11:17Okay.
11:18Whenever I see a toilet brush, I think of Carol.
11:25Really?
11:26She threw one at me in our last quarrel.
11:30How romantic.
11:31We were finding it a bit difficult to get on.
11:34Well, look, Graham, how shall I put this?
11:37You see, God likes to have a good giggle,
11:41making people fall in love
11:42who are totally incapable of living with each other.
11:46I mean, have you noticed how
11:48non-smoking, Muslim, heavy metal freaks
11:51always fall for chain-smoking pig farmers
11:53with weak eardrums?
11:56I mean, I don't think love's blind.
11:57I think he's blind drunk.
11:59I never thought she'd leave me.
12:02Well, you must have noticed something.
12:05I mean, weren't you suspicious?
12:07Not really.
12:10Well, maybe once
12:11I found this strange thing in the bedroom.
12:14It was a sort of baseball cap.
12:16With something about eating submarines on it.
12:30Torpedoes.
12:31That's it.
12:34How did you know?
12:35It wasn't you and Carol, was it?
12:37Oh, come on, Graham, be realistic.
12:39I know I said opposites attract,
12:41but me and Carol?
12:44That's like
12:44Margaret Thatcher having an affair with Jerry Adams.
12:48You must have mentioned it earlier.
12:51Probably.
12:53This all upsets me too much.
12:55I'm going to bed.
12:58No.
12:58Really.
12:59Just bed.
13:00Oh, come on,
13:06there's probably several people in Wandsworth
13:08with Eat Ted's Torpedoes baseball caps.
13:12Okay.
13:13Okay.
13:15But it's not me she's gone off with.
13:17And it was only once.
13:19And it wasn't much fun.
13:21Oh, well, that's all right then.
13:23Well, it put me off
13:24the way she kept phoning house fires
13:25while we were making out.
13:27I'm sorry, it wasn't a success.
13:30Oh, I didn't say that.
13:31She sold a four-bedroom house
13:32in Stockwell Park Crescent.
13:35I don't know.
13:36When God was handing out the sex hormones,
13:38he certainly gave you a double.
13:40Look, I have no reason to feel guilty.
13:43Or maybe I feel a tiny bit guilty.
13:45And maybe it's better if I'm not here tomorrow.
13:46Oh, no.
13:47You're staying.
13:49Hello, you two.
13:50It's gone through.
13:51Happy Christmas.
13:52Come on, I thought we could
13:53pull a few crackers,
13:54sing some old-time songs
13:55and then have a game of charades.
13:59Filth, those pills Graham tried to take.
14:03Oh?
14:04What you do with them?
14:06BING!
14:06BING!
14:13BING!
14:15BING!
14:19BING!
14:31Ding dong merrily on high
14:43In heaven the bells are ringing
14:45Ding dong verily the sky
14:48Is riven with angels singing
14:51Glow
14:52Oh please do you have to keep singing that?
14:56Oh sorry is it getting on your nerves?
14:58Yes
14:59Good King Wenceslas
15:06Looked out on the feast of
15:08Where's the yank this morning then?
15:11A good question
15:12He's deserted me in my hour of direst need
15:16Sulked away in the night
15:18I'm a jackal
15:20Never trusted Americans
15:22Not since the war
15:23They slept with a lot of our women you know
15:25Perhaps that explains it
15:29No one's told Phil the war's over
15:31What?
15:35Nothing
15:35My sister Audrey was a terror for yanks during the war
15:39She had more American soldiers than Eisenhower
15:42How's the turkey doing?
15:45Should be ready on time
15:46Good
15:47For New Year's Eve
15:491993
15:51Phil forgot to take it out of Graham's freezer
15:56At the moment it resembles the iceberg that sank the Titanic
15:59Do you think he's okay?
16:04Oh yes he's delirious with joy
16:06Any second now he'll break into oh what a beautiful morning and start turning cartwheels
16:10Of course he's not okay
16:12He's deeply depressed
16:13Just about the worst possible thing that could happen to him
16:18Has
16:18And on top of that his wife's left him
16:22I don't know what I'm going to do with this turkey
16:28Perhaps I should give Sellafield a ring
16:33They could pop it into one of their reactors on regular five
16:37He's always been weak
16:40I used to call him the runt of the litter
16:42He's always lacked confidence
16:45I wonder why
16:47I don't know it's a mystery to me
16:49Ding dong merrily on high
16:50Look please
16:51Don't sing any more carols
16:55Especially when I'm near to some very sharp knives
16:58I can't trust myself
16:59Now why don't you go and try and cheer your son up
17:03And remember
17:04Please make an effort
17:06Think
17:07Before you speak
17:09You all right son
17:18I'll try to keep your pecker up eh
17:21Okay so she's gone
17:26And I know how upset you must be
17:29That
17:29Well that the marriage has failed
17:31But
17:32Look on the bright side
17:34You'd have cocked it up sooner or later
17:36You've got it over with now
17:47I think I'm bringing him round
17:48Actually I'd like your advice
17:53On how the turkey's going
17:55Oh right
17:55Yes
17:56Tell you what
17:58Why don't you stick your head in the oven
18:00And have a nice long look
18:02Doctor to girl
18:14Big breaths
18:15Girl to doctor
18:16Oh yes
18:16And I'm only 16
18:17Only 15
18:20What does yours say
18:23Question
18:25What do you call a boring old fart
18:28Who keeps reading jokes from Christmas crackers
18:30Any sign of that turkey
18:33No
18:34It still constitutes a danger to shipping
18:37Fine Christmas dinner this is
18:40Seven bloody sprouts
18:41And a sprig of parsley
18:43Stop complaining
18:45Eat your sprouts
18:46Just be grateful
18:47Some people in the world
18:49With nothing to eat at all
18:50This is true
18:52And there are some poor souls
18:54Spending a miserable Christmas
18:56And alone
18:57Wonder what Selman Rushdie's doing for Christmas
19:00Having a bloody sight better time than I am
19:03I expect
19:04Ah let's watch television
19:06Ah
19:08ITV
19:11A film
19:12Oedipus Rex
19:14What's that about?
19:16Son who kills his father
19:17Let's watch that
19:19What about the Queen's Christmas royal address to her people?
19:25Haven't you heard?
19:26Margaret Thatcher's doing it herself this year
19:28She's decided to cut out the middle man
19:31The old King used to do a good Christmas broadcast
19:35Of course he had a bit of a stammer
19:37So it went on a bit longer
19:38Ah there's nothing to beat the good old family Christmas
19:42Here
19:42Do you remember when we used to play British Bulldog on Boxing Day?
19:47Of course you always started crying you were so wet
19:49One time he got so weepy
19:52I had to take all his presents away
19:54Actually
19:56There is one family Christmas I remember very well
19:59I wonder if you remember it father
20:00The Christmas of 1971
20:02Yes
20:05I remember it
20:06That was a very lively Christmas wasn't it?
20:09When we came to visit you in hospital
20:10After you'd had that nervous breakdown
20:12Because you'd bankrupted the firm
20:15We don't have to talk about that now
20:17I'll never forget when that policeman told mum
20:19They'd found you stark naked
20:20Standing on a parapet at Chiswick Bridge
20:22Shouting come on Cambridge
20:24Please son not now
20:26One set back and you just disintegrated
20:29Like a wet paper bag
20:30What a weakling
20:32More sprouts anyone?
20:37You know I've always been your trouble Graham
20:39You're totally bloody insensitive
20:41People have feelings you know
20:43I just wanted to have a nice family Christmas
20:46Not too much to ask is it?
20:48In the twilight of your years?
20:49Hang on
20:50I'll get my violin
20:51Gordon
20:52Bennett I don't believe this
20:54This could only happen at Christmas
20:56The stress Christmas puts people through
20:59I blame King Herod
21:01If he'd have been a bit more thorough
21:03We'd all be sitting down on a normal day
21:06To a normal lunch
21:07Free from figs
21:08Flatulence
21:09And fear
21:10We're not going to ever eat on a plate of sprouts are we?
21:13I'm starving
21:14You want something to eat?
21:15You want something to eat?
21:16Right
21:16Well
21:16We've got satsumas
21:18Walnuts
21:19Almonds
21:19Figs
21:20Dates
21:21More satsumas
21:22Crisps
21:23Chocolates
21:23After eights
21:24Mixed nuts
21:25More figs
21:26And yet more stinking satsumas
21:28The turkey should be perfect
21:30Sometime around the millennium
21:32When it's done
21:33Give me a ring
21:34I should be in the airing cupboard
21:35Sticking pins into a wax effigy of Santa Claus
21:39Stop crying man
21:41For God's sake
21:42Hello and a Merry Christmas to you
21:45Oh
21:48Hello Carol
21:49Yes yes Graham's here
21:52Yes yes he's here too
21:56I'll put Graham on
21:58Hello Carol
22:05Yes
22:08Yes
22:10Yes I understand
22:14What'd she say?
22:21She said
22:21She said she'd been thinking it over
22:24And she's changed her mind
22:25She's going to pick up the dry cleaning herself
22:29God it was strange Shelly
22:37Hearing her voice
22:38I felt like I was totally alone
22:41The only person in the whole wide world
22:45I know the feeling
22:47I know the feeling
22:47Silent night
22:52Whirly night
22:55All is bright
22:59All is bright
23:02Round your mouth
23:04All right
23:05Listen to you two
23:06We've got to cheer ourselves up
23:07Now
23:09Those are carol scenes
23:11They symbolise the peace
23:14And goodwill
23:15Which Christmas is supposed to be about
23:18So
23:19What I suggest
23:20Is we invite them in
23:22Sit them down
23:23Give them a nice glass of sherry
23:26And then beat the living crap out of them
23:30Agreed?
23:33Agreed
23:34All is calm
23:39All is bright
23:42Round your virgin mother and child
23:48Holy infant so tender and mild
23:55Sleep in heavenly peace
24:01Sleep in heavenly peace
24:25Arctic
24:39organisations
24:41avaient
24:42BER
24:43En
24:44Bock
24:45A
24:46Biste
24:46O
24:47Biste
24:48Biste
24:48En
24:49Biste
24:50Biste
24:51A
24:51Biste
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