- 13/05/2025
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TVTranscript
00:00To be continued...
00:30Come in, Carol.
00:42Why did you know it was me and not Graham?
00:45Your shy, retiring knock.
00:48Would you like a coffee?
00:49No, I have yoghurt in the morning.
00:51This is close.
00:52No.
00:53What I would like is the rent.
00:55Yes.
00:57Well, I'm afraid my resources are rather dwindled.
00:59Can you wait until I find a job?
01:01I'm not sure I'll live that long.
01:04Actually, I do have a proposal.
01:07Hire me out to climb chimneys, sell my body on the streets?
01:10No, we need something that'll make money.
01:14If it was for medical research, maybe.
01:17Now, are you any good at decorating?
01:21Decorating?
01:22Huh?
01:23Right.
01:23What I'm prepared to do is pay you £1.50 an hour
01:26to do some work and redecorate this flat.
01:28£1.50 an hour's a bit tight.
01:31£2.50.
01:31£1.50.
01:32Two?
01:33£1.50.
01:33All right, I'll do it for £1.75.
01:35£1.50 it is, then.
01:36I've written you out instructions
01:41and the brushes, paint and overalls are in our flat.
01:44How I love the British spirit of compromise.
01:47Hello, James.
01:48Brought your mail in.
01:48Oh, thanks.
01:52Reader's Digest.
01:54British Telecom.
01:56Oh, the red one.
01:57Pay us lots of money for all those wrong numbers we connect you to
02:00or we'll cut off your phone and probably your gonads.
02:05Now, what's this one all about?
02:07Probably your OBE for services to sarcasm.
02:15We'll get you, you bastard.
02:20Perhaps it's from British Telecom as well.
02:22I don't think so.
02:24No, it's spelt right.
02:27We'll get you, you bastard.
02:29That's a threat, really, isn't it?
02:32Yes, Graham, I think we can safely say that.
02:34God, this is terrible.
02:35I've only been back in Britain for a couple of months already.
02:38Somebody's sending me hate mail.
02:40Perhaps they're blackmailers trying to get money out of you.
02:43Money out of him?
02:44They must be very optimistic blackmailers.
02:47They must have some idea who it is.
02:49None.
02:50Think of all the people that really don't like you.
02:52Not now.
02:52We don't want to be here all day.
02:54I've got a lot of work to do.
02:56Work, really?
02:57Oh, so you're no longer an estate agent?
03:00If you get any more hate mail, it'll probably be from me.
03:05You do rather get on Carol's wrong side, you know?
03:08I do my best.
03:09I'm sure you two will get on eventually.
03:11She's very good at what she does, you know.
03:13So was Jack the Ripper.
03:15Sorry, I'm a bit disconcerted.
03:17It's not every day I get anonymous threats.
03:19It's all right.
03:20It's probably just a madman.
03:23Thanks.
03:24That's a great comfort.
03:26Right, come on.
03:28You better show me where these decorating things are.
03:30James Shelley.
03:44Hello.
03:44Hello.
03:48Is that physically possible?
03:54Hello, James.
03:55Oh, it startled me.
03:59I'm getting anonymous phone calls now.
04:02Are they abusive?
04:03Abusive.
04:04They fit more bad language into five seconds than Bob Geldof gets through in a week.
04:09By the way, do you know what a douchebag is?
04:12I don't know, but I think it's an insult.
04:17What about the second post?
04:19Any more unpleasant letters?
04:20Yes.
04:20Really?
04:21From the Reader's Digest again.
04:24You know, you have already won one of these four fantastic prizes.
04:28A holiday in the Bahamas, a new Golf GTI, a complete fitted kitchen or a pencil sharpener.
04:34I'm worried by all this.
04:38I'm sure they're just trying to frighten you.
04:40They're succeeding beyond their wildest dreams.
04:44How are you getting on, James?
04:46Oh, is that all you've done?
04:48He's been getting threatening phone calls.
04:50Very long threatening phone calls, were they?
04:53Occupied most of your working day.
04:55I have spent eight hours doing that.
04:57There's about 15 layers of paint on it.
05:00I think that door's probably prehistoric.
05:02Still can't take that long.
05:06What are you using?
05:09I'm rubbing my stubble up and down against it.
05:12Sandpaper, of course.
05:14I don't think this decorating is turning out to be a success.
05:17I'm sure it'll all work out in the end.
05:19Why?
05:21Yes.
05:22Why?
05:23I don't know.
05:25I'm sure you and Carol will end up the best of friends.
05:27Oh, please, there's been enough threats for one day.
05:30Oh, my God.
05:32It's for you.
05:41I wouldn't bother if I were you.
05:43They're hardly going to be hanging around outside.
05:46Now, James, someone is throwing bricks through your window.
05:51What do you intend to do about it?
05:53Duck.
05:54You must have some idea who it is.
05:57Oh, yes.
05:58The CIA.
05:59The Libyans I run guns for.
06:01The drug barons I double-cross.
06:03Carol, I've no idea.
06:04There's no one there.
06:05Now, there's a surprise.
06:08We'd better ring the police.
06:09Are you doing some decorating?
06:28I can see you're a detective.
06:36You shouldn't have stripped this door, you know.
06:39Now, you'll have to fill it with plastic wood now.
06:41I didn't ring the police to get advice on painting doors.
06:44I wasn't aware they offered that service.
06:47Presumably, if I see a mugging, I should phone a decorator.
06:49So, a brick came through your window.
06:54Have you ever committed a crime, sir?
06:56I worked as a double-glazing salesman for a week.
06:59No.
07:00Why'd you ask?
07:01I ask a lot of odd questions, me.
07:03You never know what you'll turn up.
07:05What do you expect me to say?
07:07Actually, I'm one of the great train robbers.
07:09Oh, gosh, now you've gone and caught me out.
07:11Look, I'm the victim, not the perpetrator.
07:13Someone's throwing bricks through my window with murderer written on them.
07:17Yes, sir.
07:18Now, presumably, you're, er...
07:20Not a murderer, no.
07:21I haven't murdered anyone for, er, days now.
07:25I have to keep myself going with the odd disembowelment.
07:32And that's the brick, I presume?
07:35Incredible homes.
07:39Do you, er...
07:40Have you any idea who threw it?
07:41I mean, er...
07:42Do you owe anyone money?
07:43The bank?
07:44I don't think they've resorted to bricks to recover over-offs yet.
07:48Mind you, wouldn't put it past them.
07:51Are you married?
07:52Separated.
07:54So could the wife have thrown the brick?
07:56Well, not unless she's got a very powerful arm.
07:58She lives in Canada.
08:01Well, she could have arranged it.
08:02I don't think Red Star provide that, sir.
08:06Why do you think it's the wife?
08:07Well, if I had a brick through my bedroom window, that's who I'd think it was.
08:12Well, perhaps you had a very bitter divorce.
08:14No, I'm still married.
08:17Yeah, but that's what it usually is.
08:19The wife or girlfriend.
08:21Some casual nookie with a woman.
08:23You think it's forgotten.
08:24Then they're coming after you with an axe.
08:26It happens all the time.
08:28Does it?
08:28I must lead the most incredibly dull sex life.
08:32I mean, I've only slept with one or two psychopathic axe women in the last couple of years.
08:38Oh, but haven't you seen that film, though?
08:40You know, Fatal Attraction.
08:42Now, one moment, it's a quiet, happy, peaceful family scene.
08:46And the next, she's boiled the bunny.
08:49Eh?
08:50Well, she breaks into the house and puts the kid's pet in a saucepan.
08:54I hate to point this out, but that's a film.
08:56It's not reality.
08:56It's not far off the truth.
08:58So how many rabbit homicides have you had to invest in?
09:01Well, none yet.
09:04But you watch.
09:05Every film, some criminal copies it.
09:07Oh, yes.
09:07I suppose after Day of the Triffids, loads of passers-by were being mugged by plants.
09:13And doubtless after Mutiny on the Bounty, thousands of people were set adrift in open boats.
09:18Serpentine full of them.
09:20Don't you like films?
09:21Yes.
09:22But right now, I'm more worried about bricks coming through my window
09:25than psychopaths coming up through the floorboards.
09:27Oh, have you seen Night of the Living Dead, then?
09:30This is Shelley's Commonwealth message to Canada.
09:58hello fran and emma or should i say fran emma and shelly while i'm delighted to hear that emma's got
10:08a pet cat i'm not so sure about her naming it after me just because it hangs around the house
10:12and does nothing all day actually i'm feeling rather sensitive at the moment as someone has
10:18taken to posting threatening letters through my door and worse threatening bricks through my window
10:24a policeman came around and he's got some very definite ideas about who's responsible
10:30an alien incubus a psychopathic werewolf or glenn close he goes to the cinema a lot
10:36i of course remain calm and unruffled and terrified
10:42hello ricky smith i've come to fix the glass got some form of identity
10:53identity something with your name written on it i've got a tattoo well never mind come in
11:01ricky and julia always true it's a pity really because i only knew her for three days
11:10you're a bit cautious aren't you i've been getting a lot of threats oh anything good some would involve
11:17a fair degree of physical contortion windows there any chance of a cuppa yeah right tea or
11:23coffee oh anything warm and wet washing up water yeah aren't the ambiguities of our language great
11:31you decorate in there
11:33no i just throw sheets over the furniture for fun you'll never strip this door if you use just sandpaper
11:41you know now what you need on yeah yeah don't say another word if you want this coffee i've spent 12
11:47hours doing that so how's this window broken then someone threw a brick thank evans for that trade's
11:55been so slack recently he's not the riots they used to be anymore everyone assists on talking things
12:02over you know talks all right but uh doesn't smash windows thank you mahatma gandhi there's this animal
12:11liblot now but they mostly burn down department stores and pour acid over cars it's not the same
12:18how distressing perhaps you should write and tell them i will you want any sugar yeah help yourself
12:24can i ask you how carol and graham came to use you first in a phone book probably anarchist glaziers
12:30no a b glass oh the post see how the uh death threats are coming along there's a place for the brick
12:40thrower in society you know because sometimes until the brick is thrown you don't know that the glass is
12:47there you weren't brought up in the 60s by any chance were you yeah why'd you ask just curious
12:54god the regis divest don't give up easily do they all that wasted paper i'm surprised enough the amazonian
13:02rainforest have disappeared oh i don't know i think you screw up the same bits of paper again and again
13:08every night men take them out of your dustbin iron them straight then next morning they're shoved
13:12back through your letterbox until you get round to reading them what you reckon you're going to open
13:17that then well call me old-fashioned but that's what i usually do with the post all right just let me get
13:23next door will you why well you say you're being threatened that could be a letter bomb it doesn't
13:31look like a letter bomb that's what letter bombs look like not like a letter bomb then suddenly it's
13:37bang and there's one addressee splattered all over the ceiling chances of it being one are astronomical
13:4310 000 a one right oh you haven't got a camera or anything have you only i could take a picture of the
13:50bag you know sell it to the papers just in case look if everyone who had a brick thrown through
13:56their window called the police as soon as a package arrived there'd be bomb squads driving around london
14:01like madmen or even like british telecom vans no i feel ridiculous if i called the police now and
14:09anyway you can't give way to fear like that and anyway it's almost certainly not a bomb exactly yes i mean
14:16it's probably 999 is it
14:30so what makes you think this is an explosive device sir panic cowardice and terror
14:37ah have you any idea as to why this gentleman is being threatened night no sir none he can be very
14:44sarcastic sir well yes i'm probably being hounded by a terror organization dedicated to the overthrow
14:52of sarcasm down with inequality tyranny and irony he can can't he sir didn't we ought to call in the bomb
14:59squad i think we can handle this ourselves aren't letter bombs supposed to smell of something night
15:05i'm the seed isn't it i seem to remember peppermint i thought it was bad eggs no you're thinking
15:10a slough it's marzipan thank you sir pc jones get this man out back behind the safety bar immediately
15:21oh and uh check to see if it rattles it doesn't smells of paint like everything else around here
15:29now mr shelley you are sure you don't know what's behind all this great there's mystery packages on my
15:35doormat bricks flying through my window i'm getting more abuse than a umpire on court with john mackenroe
15:41and everyone seems to think it's my fault all right all right sir i've seen a couple of films yes
15:47we know you have night that's your problem listen that is not a bomb all we have to do is to open
15:55it carefully there's absolutely no danger right sir there's absolutely no danger
16:05right you two back to a safe place like where switzerland
16:09perhaps we did ought to call in the bomb squad oh stuffy
16:31what is it it appears to be a clockwork mouse
16:39ah ah i ordered that weeks ago i've forgotten all about it
16:47i was going to send it to canada naturally well no see it's my daughter i mean she's got this pet cat
16:52and uh well i saw this small ad and uh actually i feel a bit of a prat not without reason sir
17:01that's rather good this i've got a cut hey where do you order this night
17:06let's get this show on the road any more bricks through the window call us any more mice in packages
17:14call the rspca
17:24i see the police were around today two vans a squad car and three motorbikes i'm forgetting the ambulance
17:30in the fire engine i don't know what the neighbors will think it's all right i explained good hmm i
17:38told them you were being investigated for running a white slavery business
17:43i told them workers here were only being paid one pound fifty an hour the rate you're going it's
17:49generous i think michael angelo painted the sistine chapel faster than you're doing that door well it's
17:55not my fault there's more poly filler than there's wood in it been quicker to cut down a tree and start
18:00from scratch anyway i'm starting on the wardrobes now do you think you ought to open that why not it
18:08might go off yes didn't you want to call the bomb squad hello james any more good threats yes mostly from
18:17carol you should have heard her last night she got really angry someone slapped a sticker on her coat
18:23just because she was wearing a fur yes why shouldn't i wear my ocelot coat i could think
18:27of others it would look better on like who the ocelots oh i'm sick of all this sentimental tosh about
18:35animals they're mostly vicious little creatures who are only interested in eating breeding and killing
18:40off their competitors make him sound like a state agent so i suppose you agree with those barbarians
18:47who accosted me last night do you wait a minute what do these sticky labels say wear your own skin
18:56not someone else's that's it that's the message they pushed through my door this morning i didn't
19:01understand it till now now i do so it's the animal lip lot that are after you but why me i don't know
19:08but isn't it a good job you're on their side you think they've got a case not when they start throwing
19:13bricks i don't i don't understand it why me i mean i i feed birds i stroke cats i don't believe in
19:21hunting or shooting animals apart from a coarse pekinese and no one could blame me for that
19:28who look like barbara cartland little wheezing fur balls that pee on your shoe
19:36i'm sure even some francis of assisi kicked the odd peak
19:39wait a minute who'd you buy this flat from john what did john do oh he imported furs oh well
19:49that might just possibly have something to do with it i never knew that thank god it's him thereafter
19:55then not me oh dear what are you going to do about it well i suppose i'll get the post office to forward
20:01the brick to the correct address will they do that oh that was a joke what are you really going to do
20:08i'm going to get in touch with that animal lib lot that shouldn't be too difficult you just have to
20:13look in the yellow pages under nutters not barbarians now listen you two no forget it
20:21come in
20:34james shelley the man on the phone d halliday the loony with the brick yes sorry about that i got carried
20:41away it's also not true we're an animal welfare group but we've got nothing to do with extremists
20:47you mean the ones who want to liberate the woodworm before rent to kill get there exactly it doesn't
20:53mean that we don't fight hard for our causes if you see any domestic animals being maltreated
20:59will my landlady's husband fit into that category sorry if i see any i'll let you know now if you're
21:07not the brick throwers how can you help me i think i know how to find them one of our staff left
21:13because he believed in direct action started putting super glue into the locks of the local
21:18meat pie factory did it work he gave up discovered there were probably more animal products in the
21:24glue than there were in the meat pies but anyhow i'm sure that through him we can find whoever's doing
21:30it and get them to stop i'd appreciate it though perhaps you could get him to throw one more brick
21:35least i could use them for bookings while you're at it tell them what burks they are oh i do that as a
21:41matter of course i've no sympathy with their methods i don't think violence against another human
21:46being is ever justified no apart from perhaps ann diamond that goes without saying but no one else
21:56no apart from people whose uh watch alarms go off in cinemas and whoever wrote that aldi ad
22:04hey you know foresprung dort technic oh yes the car to invade poland right but that's it apart from
22:13whoever designed the northern line and radio one disc jockeys radio two disc jockeys and on occasions my
22:19landlady your landlady she's an estate agent that's all right then by the way what's your organization's
22:28views on fur coats we're totally against the course but we use persuasion rather than bricks
22:36if you can get hold of someone and really talk to them for a couple of hours it often works really
22:43then let me give you the name and address of a fur coat owner
22:46james carol it is an ocelot coat you wear isn't it why have you just come from those animal people
23:05that's right all sorted out absolutely no more problems then how do you explain this
23:12you've had a visit from the paint stripping fairy it's not funny i think you need to make another
23:21visit to your friends i intend to i'm gonna ask them where they get such fantastic paint stripper
23:42so
23:51so
23:55so
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