- 20/05/2025
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00:00Channel 2, The Dream Factory.
00:05For Love or Money, What's My Identity,
00:08Gorilla Boy, John Blackman, Pirate,
00:11all began their lives being talked about in corridors like these.
00:15If these walls could talk,
00:17they'd probably have their own late-night variety show.
00:20Superb television comedy have always been the watchwords,
00:23if not the actual content, of many of the programs made here at the ABC.
00:27Embassy, Ted Tingling, Clock Doctor, and Hey, That's My Ass.
00:32It is this standard of excellence combined with government support
00:35which makes the studios here at the ABC what they are today, empty buildings.
00:40A few years ago in this studio,
00:42a young man first started making people laugh in his own inimitable style
00:46by feeding nitrous oxide through a tube directly into their brain.
00:50He was quickly overpowered by security guards and today is safely behind bars.
00:54That studio is now free and it's where they make certain bits of the McAuliffe program.
00:59It's on a shop of a sebagai
01:02bed grounds where they have door thatower drives out and through that track.
01:04Buri Moop is quickly Another
01:17What's Apprentice, history, magic, springtime, go up, be 69, and we have a dalla
01:20Ladies and gentlemen, it's Shane McAuliffe.
01:39Please leave quietly and respect our neighbours.
01:50Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Good evening and welcome to the show.
02:07I am Sean McAuliffe. Thanks for tuning in.
02:10Or perhaps you have one of those automatic devices that already locks in the stations. I don't know.
02:14Thank you. It's great to be here again for the new series.
02:17There have been some significant changes since last year.
02:20We're spelling program correctly this season.
02:22The French way with two M's and an E.
02:25That's entirely due to your feedback and we thank you for that.
02:28Certainly don't get that level of pedantry from viewers of commercial television.
02:32Now, of course, I haven't introduced the cast.
02:35Now, it's said that in polite society, one shouldn't discuss politics or religion.
02:39This tenet, I think, can be extended to include urinary tract infections, football, Amway, jokes heard on commercial radio, sodomy and Colleen Hewitt.
02:48And indeed, these will be the themes of our shows over the next few weeks.
02:51Now, at a cocktail party to launch the series, Senator Richard Alston came up to me and asked me if I wanted to open the first show of the season by doing something interesting.
02:58I said, Richard, that's none of your freaking business. Stop interfering with the creative process, you fascist.
03:03And I threw my drink in his face.
03:04He thought I'd overreacted, but I should say, in my defence, that I was very drunk and had been having some severe personal problems.
03:16Anyway, I thought that this might be the best way.
03:19That was a cue.
03:23Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
03:53Bud Smallhorn, from North Carolina, is a patriot and proud of it.
04:12He works as a chief loom foreman here in this small weaving mill in Connecticut.
04:17They make American flags.
04:18Well, as well as overseeing the production on the looms,
04:21I am also responsible for seeing the hair and stitching here of each of the stars,
04:27which represent the 50 states of our great nation.
04:30I am also responsible for seeing the stitching of the stripes.
04:36That's what I do.
04:39Each flag takes two weeks to make.
04:43The dimensions are checked and rechecked by Bud to ensure they accord with the standards laid out by Thomas Jefferson in 1776.
04:49No bigger than 2 1⁄2 feet by 4 1⁄2 feet, and no smaller than 1 1⁄2 feet by 3 1⁄2 feet.
04:57The stripes must be no closer than 4 inches apart, and no further than 6.
05:04200 people like Bud work at the mill making these flags.
05:08Sometimes to fill an order, they will work on weekends for no extra pay.
05:12For them, it is more than a job.
05:13Almost all of the 3,000 flags made here every year are for export.
05:19Each flag is individually wrapped and packaged in tissue paper.
05:23Bud himself will drive them to the airport, where they are then flown to an importer in Bahrain.
05:28The flags are then onsold to various Muslim countries,
05:31distributed to fundamentalists, and burned in the street.
05:33Men like Bud, and why wouldn't they?
05:43He's real purdy.
05:44And as loathing for America spreads worldwide, one thing is for certain.
05:49Business can only get better for Bud Smallhorn.
05:51I remember the night my dad came home and found out.
06:02And he made me strip down some underpants and stand out in the backyard in the freezing rain for hours.
06:08And it was horrible.
06:12It was horrible.
06:13That's one there, Mr. Painful Memory.
06:21I'll give you a 72.
06:23Very good.
06:24Well, school holidays are just around the corner,
06:26which means, of course, it's time for Sexpo 99.
06:28And joining me now is one of the organisers of Sexpo, Des Ireland.
06:31Des, what's the idea behind Sexpo?
06:34Well, Sexpo is devised to provide an opportunity for people to experience first-hand
06:38the latest marital aids and accessories
06:40to enable them to get the most out of their sex life, fairly obviously.
06:43Right.
06:44I mean, it is called Sexpo.
06:45It's hardly likely to be a flower show.
06:47Yeah, no, I just knew that.
06:48I just thought some of our audience might not be perverts
06:52and needed an explanation.
06:54I understand.
06:55So what sort of things can we expect to see at Sexpo?
06:58Well, the biggest attraction is the latest range of marital aids and lingerie.
07:03They're absolutely sensational.
07:04They've been imported from Fredericks of Hollywood.
07:06Sorry, Sean.
07:07No, sorry.
07:07No, I'm sorry.
07:08Look, could whoever's doing that not do that, please?
07:12Look, we've all seen the Seinfeld episode and it's tedious now, all right?
07:17And it's actually very dangerous too.
07:19Sorry, Des, please go on.
07:21Oh, yeah.
07:22There's a stunning range of prophylactics and a wonderful display of massage from Europe.
07:27Just ignore it.
07:29He'll get bored with it and stop it.
07:32Right, we're also bringing in America's favourite strip team.
07:36Oh, come on.
07:38I did tell you, didn't I?
07:39That was dangerous.
07:40Oh.
07:41Oh, sorry.
07:42The Australian economy is booming.
07:48Unemployment is not an issue.
07:49And there's an air of optimism right across the country.
07:52It is September 1957.
07:54Or so this man thinks.
07:55It went pretty well.
08:03Very well, in fact.
08:06What's the matter?
08:07Come on.
08:19What is it?
08:21Well, I don't know.
08:22It's like I really wanted the job.
08:23But now that I've got it, I...
08:25And I do feel guilty about Robert.
08:27Ah, that's what it is.
08:28Look, he's going to be fine.
08:30He'll get over it.
08:31He thought he had it in the bag, didn't he?
08:32Probably.
08:34Oh, I bet he'll hate the fact that it's a woman that's got it over him.
08:38That'll hurt.
08:38Yeah, well, you know.
08:41It'll be good for him.
08:43And you shouldn't feel guilty about it because it's your day and you should enjoy it.
08:47Do I really get the car?
08:49Yeah, I think we can get the keys off him this afternoon.
08:52And do I get to keep the car phone?
08:53I think we can arrange that as well.
08:56I can't believe it.
08:57You deserve it.
08:59Yes, I deserve a drink.
09:01All right.
09:02Let's go.
09:03Let's hit the road.
09:05Scotch and ice.
09:14And this must be for you.
09:18Oh, no, sorry.
09:19I actually ordered a gin and tonic.
09:22I'm sorry.
09:22I must have misheard.
09:27Welcome back.
09:32It's 8.13.
09:33Or at least it was when we pre-recorded this and you're watching the McAuliffe program.
09:38Mark Wainwright recently climbed Mount Everest.
09:40So what, you say?
09:41Who gives a rat?
09:42How many people have climbed Mount Everest anyway?
09:44About 500?
09:44It's hardly unique.
09:45Why do I want to waste my time watching someone talk about that?
09:48Quite frankly, I've got better things to do.
09:50In fact, freak this, I'm going to the toilet.
09:52Well, you're a tough audience.
09:54But you've gone off half-cocked because I was about to go on to tell you before you rudely
09:57interrupted me that Mark Wainwright is blind.
10:01So how do you feel now?
10:02Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mark Wainwright.
10:12Mark?
10:13You OK there, Mark?
10:15You OK?
10:16Keep it.
10:16Wait a bit.
10:17Wait a bit.
10:17We've got a chair there to go past.
10:19Come round here.
10:20That's it, matey.
10:21Come on, matey.
10:21There's a chair to my...
10:22It's my right, but it's your left.
10:24So there we are.
10:25What would have been if I was standing?
10:26There we go.
10:27Excellent.
10:27OK.
10:28No worries.
10:28OK, so when you cross your foot...
10:30When you cross your foot...
10:31There!
10:31There's a chair in there.
10:32That's excellent.
10:33OK.
10:34No worries.
10:34You OK?
10:35Yeah, I'm fine.
10:36It's great to be on your show, Sean.
10:37OK, that's good.
10:38OK, now, you're all right now?
10:40Yeah.
10:40Yeah, no, I'm fine.
10:41OK, I was lucky I was here.
10:43Lucky I was here.
10:44I assumed you would have had a dog or something.
10:47Oh, I don't need a dog, Sean.
10:48I can manage pretty well by myself.
10:50I suppose it's a bit awkward going up Mount Everest.
10:54You'd have to keep throwing a ball up there for the dog to go with you, wouldn't it?
10:57You know, I'm making a throwing gesture mark with my hand
11:00and a sort of angle that would approximate the mountain.
11:02Sean, Sean, I know what you mean.
11:05Yeah.
11:06Sean, look, you don't...
11:08Mate, you don't have to yell.
11:09I'm blind.
11:10I'm not deaf.
11:12Yeah, that's something you're trying to help.
11:13OK, now, Mount Everest.
11:18Why climb Mount Everest, mate?
11:21Sorry, Sean.
11:22Look, I understand.
11:23A lot of people find it a bit uncomfortable at first around challenged people, so...
11:27I'm not uncomfortable.
11:27You know, but really...
11:29Well, really, we're just the same as you guys.
11:30No, I'm not uncomfortable.
11:32If I was uncomfortable, I would admit it to you.
11:34But, no, I'm very comfortable around people like you.
11:42Fine, please.
11:43OK, OK.
11:43OK.
11:44I know a lot of blind people.
11:45Who?
11:48I beg your pardon?
11:49Who do you know that's sight-challenged?
11:51My uncle is blind, so he's...
11:53We actually prefer sight-challenged.
11:55Well, my uncle is sight-challenged.
11:57Is he?
11:58As a bat.
11:58So, no reason for me to be uncomfortable.
12:05And I've seen the Helen Keller story.
12:08A brilliant film, if you haven't seen it.
12:10It's about a blind girl who talks into Anne Bancroft's hand.
12:13You would have seen it, Mark.
12:15No.
12:17No, I actually haven't.
12:19Well, it is a moving and a brilliant film.
12:21So, you know, I think I'm pretty sensitive blind-wise.
12:24So, if we get back on to Mount Everest,
12:26vis-a-vis why climb it?
12:30Well, I actually, um...
12:32Being sight-challenged,
12:33it's never stopped me from doing what I wanted to do in...
12:36Well, that's the way I've always been in life.
12:39You know, the only thing that can really stop you doing things
12:42is yourself, I reckon.
12:44Hmm.
12:45It doesn't really answer my question.
12:49About why you climb Mount Everest.
12:50And that's a good philosophy, but it doesn't really apply.
12:54I don't know why.
12:55It certainly wasn't for the view.
13:00Gallows humour.
13:01Very brave.
13:02Well done.
13:03Oh, no.
13:04Well, it's not gallows.
13:05It's not actually...
13:07So, me touching you there.
13:12Yes, it's not actually gallows humour.
13:14It's just a sense of humour, isn't it?
13:15It's just like you, you know?
13:17It's just a joke.
13:18Well, it's not like me, because I'm a professional entertainer.
13:23So, you know...
13:24Yeah, look, I just think it's important to be able to laugh at oneself.
13:27Well, I'm glad you say that,
13:28because I've actually got a pretty funny blind joke.
13:30The writers were telling me it was in bad taste,
13:34but I'm glad you said that.
13:35OK, so what's this?
13:40I should explain.
13:40I'm swinging around the guide dog to...
13:42Oh, well, it's ruined now.
13:44I have to explain it.
13:45It's a...
13:46No, I actually have 5% of my vision, Sean.
13:48I could see he's doing something,
13:49swirling your hand around or something.
13:50I just didn't find it very funny, that's all.
13:52You've got 5% of your vision, have you?
13:56Yes, I have.
13:58Well, you're not really blind, then, are you?
14:01What's the big deal about climbing Mount Everest?
14:02I am...
14:03I am legally blind.
14:04Yeah, but you're not morally blind, are you?
14:09I mean, what's the distance between you and the mountain face when you scale?
14:11It's about 8 inches, isn't it?
14:12You can see that?
14:14You know, what's the big deal about...
14:15I mean, I'm trying to be kind here.
14:17In fact, it would be to your advantage...
14:19Yeah, well, what I can't see is you getting off your fat ass
14:21and trying it, Sean.
14:24You...
14:25So, trained professional, did you say?
14:29That's a good comeback there, Sean.
14:31Congratulations.
14:32Yeah, well, you know,
14:33just think, because you're special, Mr Blind Guy,
14:37that we're all supposed to sleep up and applaud, you know?
14:40I mean, people lower their expectations when they see guys like you.
14:44It's very easy to impress.
14:45You tried being able-bodied and getting on in this life.
14:48You think I made it here, you know?
14:49I've got everything.
14:52I haven't, you know...
14:54Oh, yeah, great Mr...
14:55Oh, oh, hello, I'm Mr Blind Hero Boy.
14:58I think I've got to do something impossible.
15:01Yeah, well, try having a hidden disability like me.
15:03I've got a hiatus hernia.
15:05Burns my esophagus.
15:06When I was young, I had this cheese-shaped pillow.
15:09I had to sleep on it until I was 15.
15:11Anyway, well done.
15:23Great effort.
15:23We're all very, very proud of you, Mark.
15:26Mark Wainwright, ladies and gentlemen.
15:27APPLAUSE
15:28Hello.
15:31Hi.
15:32I'm after a water pump for a Corolla Seeker 78, please.
15:41Mm-hmm.
15:42I'm after a water pump for a Corolla Seeker 78, please.
15:55Well, the annual worst-dressed list has just been published,
16:11and again, it features TV and film stars, rock musicians,
16:14the usual suspects who appear in these sorts of magazines.
16:16But we've inaugurated, or started, whichever you understand,
16:19our own awards.
16:20And the winner of the McAuliffe programme's
16:22worst-dressed person on television this year
16:24is this fashion victim, who we spotted on the ABC News.
16:27Cop a load of this.
16:32What was he thinking?
16:37What?
16:39What is a polite distance?
16:41We conducted an experiment in the corridor
16:43of this communal garden office block.
16:46See how the highlighted person holds the door open
16:49for the person behind him.
16:50He is being polite.
16:52The distance involved is four and a half feet.
16:54A greater distance will usually result in the door not being held open,
16:58although there is a grey area of two feet,
17:00depending on the attractiveness of the person walking behind.
17:04A low-level attractive person may not have the door held open in the grey area,
17:07but may receive the benefit of phantom politeness
17:10from an extra push on the door,
17:11creating a window of opportunity for the person behind
17:13to pass through the doorway.
17:15An unattractive person can sometimes pass for an attractive person
17:18by entering the two-foot grey area
17:20and skipping a few steps to the door before it closes.
17:23A very attractive person can sometimes increase the polite distance
17:26to almost 15 to 20 feet,
17:29though this can sometimes increase the risk of embarrassment to the door.
17:32A supermodel like Elle Macpherson
17:35could expect a politeness distance of two kilometres,
17:38whereas Elton John would need to be travelling at the speed of sound
17:41just to enter the two-foot grey area,
17:43and even then would probably find the door locked from the other side.
17:46Attention, il est mirand,
17:50l'armée fait vauter tout le monde.
17:52Attention, il est mirand,
17:55il est sur le monde des ballons.
18:04Attention, il est mirand,
18:06il est sur le monde des ballons.
18:08Thank you, Francis.
18:37Well, he was one of Australia's first child movie stars
18:40after his acclaimed leading roles in Storm Boy and Bluefin.
18:43Ladies and gentlemen,
18:44please try to remember Greg Rowe.
18:48No, nothing.
18:50I think we'd better make clear from the start
18:53that you agreed to come to the studio
18:54without any promise from us
18:56about secrecy or protection from arrest.
18:58Is that correct?
18:58Yes, that's right.
18:59And could you tell us,
19:01are you aware of the possibility
19:03that the police may listen to this broadcast
19:05and act to arrest you now?
19:08Mark Coulthard there with Gerald Stone
19:10in 1969 on TDT,
19:12this day to night.
19:13It's 30 years to the day
19:14since that famous moment
19:16in Australian television history
19:17where the ABC actually assisted Mark
19:19escape from federal authorities
19:20who had arrived at the studio
19:21during the broadcast.
19:23Mark Coulthard rejoins us now.
19:25Mark, this is the studio
19:26where that interview took place.
19:28And I know before the show tonight
19:29you revisited many of the corridors
19:31and in fact went to the door
19:32where you escaped.
19:33It must have stood up
19:34a lot of old memories.
19:35Yes, Sean, very much so.
19:37The ABC sympathised with my position
19:40and supported me.
19:42They not only gave me a forum for my views,
19:46but, well, I would have gone to prison
19:48if it wasn't for them.
19:49I was very lucky.
19:50Not so lucky tonight though, Mark.
19:52Here, with the outstanding warrant
19:55for your arrest
19:56is Superintendent Ray Falls
19:57and two federal police constables.
19:59You bastards!
20:00You bloody cheap!
20:02I'll get you, you bastards!
20:05Don't go, Paul!
20:06Some people never change, do they?
20:09The ABC has though
20:10and I think for the better.
20:15BP's 125 over 80.
20:17Core temperature's falling.
20:19I need force-ups now.
20:22Yeah, because I think, uh,
20:25I think that's very important
20:26because the closer we can be to each other,
20:29uh, the more people we can fit in the studio.
20:32And, uh, hi.
20:33We're talking about relationships
20:35and how people communicate with each other.
20:37I'll show you this.
20:38Uh, excuse me, sir.
20:41Excuse me.
20:41What's your name, sir?
20:44What's your name, sir?
20:47Yes.
20:48What's, uh, what is your name, sir?
20:50Terry!
20:50Terry!
20:51All right, Terry?
20:52Terry?
20:52Terry, yes, I know.
20:53It's my show.
20:55Terry, are you in a...
20:56Yes.
20:57Are you in a relation...
20:59You're...
20:59You in a relationship at the moment, Terry?
21:03Are you in a relation...
21:04Or an institution, Terry?
21:07Tell me.
21:08Yes, I know, I know, I know.
21:10It's me.
21:11Terry, are you...
21:13Terry!
21:15Terry!
21:15Terry!
21:20Yes?
21:20Are you in a relationship at the moment?
21:23Look!
21:23Look!
21:24Yes, I know.
21:25Yes, I know, Terry.
21:26Yes!
21:27Yes, I know, Terry!
21:29He's talking to me!
21:30Is he my demographic?
21:39Because, uh, I think we're aiming too low.
21:42Yes, Tom, and I think that my client should be permitted to teach evolution whichever school you wishes.
21:53Well, you're the district attorney.
22:09I am.
22:10Morning, Ferguson.
22:10Ah, Judge Farouk.
22:12I wish a continuance on that McHennessy matter.
22:14My client has gone AWOL, and a vital piece of fire was lost in evidence last night.
22:18Mr. Ferguson, I need hardly remind you that I'm the judge of this matter, and it's highly improper for you to discuss this matter with me at all.
22:26Judge Farouk, McHennessy... McHennessy murdered that nun, and you know it.
22:30You call that justice?
22:31I call that freaking ill someone entirely.
22:34Is that a threat, Mr. Ferguson, because if it isn't, it sounds like a very good impersonation of one.
22:38Well, I don't do impersonations.
22:40I, sir, am a lord.
22:42Ha!
22:42Er, yes.
22:43I've been in the judging business, man and beast, these last 20 years.
22:47Ha!
22:49I think I know what I'm doing.
22:51Yes.
22:52Well, they always said that you were a bag man from a boy's downtown.
22:55And this just proves it.
22:57Sir!
22:57You go too far.
22:59You, sir, are a cool, a fad, and a stimpleton.
23:03I can't believe my ears.
23:04Sir!
23:05Disbelieve all the ears you wish.
23:07I'm appealing.
23:08Very appealing.
23:09You can't run a court on hate.
23:11You need rules and other things.
23:13If my old Latin training hasn't failed me, my son, don't say epto corum ebst.
23:19Pro patria morea ill.
23:22Pro patria morea ill.
23:24And that is why, Lord Carnarvon, I reckon that Judge Farouk's decision should be squashed.
23:35Oh!
23:36Watch what you're doing, you stupid girl.
23:38You might have killed me.
23:39Oh, I'm sorry, Judge Farouk.
23:40I was just delivering these to the district attorney's office.
23:43I want you and your things out of this courthouse before the dawn.
23:46It was an accident.
23:47Ha!
23:47Accident, my eye.
23:49Ha!
23:49Accident, my eye.
23:50Get this, you rapscallion!
23:52You f***!
23:56Blood.
23:57You'll never practice law in this town again, Ferguson.
24:00Yeah.
24:01Well, I don't need to practice law.
24:03I speak it fluently.
24:04Ha!
24:06Ha!
24:08Hey, come on, honey, friends.
24:10You'll regret that you did that.
24:13Ha!
24:13Ha!
24:15Ha!
24:16Ha!
24:17Ha!
24:18Ha!
24:19Get out, get out, huge bark.
24:20Stop all this at once!
24:21My liege.
24:22Judge Farouk, I'm ashamed of you.
24:24But I...
24:24I want to see you in my chambers immediately.
24:29Thank you, Lord Carnarvon.
24:30Thank you, Justice Ferguson.
24:33Justice Ferguson?
24:35Quite a promotion.
24:36Then again, Senior Court Circuit Judge ain't too bad either.
24:38Hey, you're talking to the new chief magistrate.
24:40Yeah, she promoted me to planning appeals.
24:42Ha!
24:43You know, Constable Murgatroyd, on this day, before the eyes of God, we've all been promoted.
24:49Well, almost all of us...
24:52STAT!
24:56Oh, sorry, that's wrong.
24:57That's wrong.
24:59Well, just as I predicted, we've come to the end of another episode.
25:06I tried telling them, but oh no, they're the experts.
25:09Just a reminder that this weekend is the 40-hour Pestilence week.
25:13Kids will be contracting various diseases for charity.
25:16So, please, if you've got anything, no matter how minor, give it to whoever knocks on your door.
25:21But to take us out this week, some great music.
25:26I heard these guys on the phone the other day and was blown away.
25:29I hope you like them, and see you next week on my program!
25:32You've reached Novodata Communications, Australia's leading integrated communications consultants.
25:49Let us take your communications network into the 21st century.
25:54Our operator will be with you as soon as possible.
25:57Novodata Communications provides a comprehensive range of telecommunications hardware and software,
26:04including all your internet needs.
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26:10The digital revolution is just around the corner,
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