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00:00Hi, when I was a kid it was comic books and dragsters.
00:24In the 50s it was teddy boy haircuts, Glenn Miller and his big band were the thing in
00:28the 1940s, and in the 30s it was button-down shoes and pole sitting.
00:32You weren't anyone in the... oh, bugger.
00:36Sorry kids.
00:41Hi, when I was a kid it was comic books and dragsters.
00:48In the 50s it was teddy boy haircuts, Glenn Miller and his big band were the big thing
00:52in the 1940s, and in the 30s it was button-down shoes and pole sitting.
00:56You weren't anyone in the 1920s unless you had a rumble seat in your car or typhoid,
01:00and in 1910 it was all about getting invited to a cotillion or being disfigured in some major
01:04industrial accident.
01:05Today it's the internet, and the great thing about it is you can literally go anywhere in
01:09the world in this global village.
01:11What are you logged into there, Jimmy?
01:13Ah, hotguy.com.
01:15Cool.
01:17We've all seen You've Got Mail, a disappointing film poorly written.
01:21But its story about romance and the internet is one ripped from today's headlines.
01:31Two people who met and fell in love in cyberspace are Dave Kruger and Mary Tyrrell.
01:35Welcome.
01:36So, tell us all about it.
01:37How did it happen?
01:39Well, Sean, I work for a share-trading company and I work online at home.
01:48And I was surfing the net one day and I came across a chat club and it was called City Singles.
01:57And I logged on sort of as a joke really and that's where I met Dave.
02:06And we emailed each other for a while and then we agreed to meet.
02:11And had you exchanged photographs at all?
02:14Ah, no.
02:15No.
02:16Dave, if I could put this to you.
02:18Did the thought of meeting someone like Mary scare you at all?
02:22I'm, I just, I'm, I'm, she's very sweet obviously, I just meant the, the conceptually, I don't
02:28mean any, any, the idea of meeting somebody, I mean, I mean she could have been an axe murderer.
02:36She's probably not.
02:37But I suppose what I, what I'm, what I'm saying is, did the thought of meeting someone you'd
02:42only communicated with in writing worry you at all?
02:44No.
02:45Mmm.
02:46Mmm.
02:47Mmm.
02:48Mmm.
02:49Not at all, no.
02:51Good.
02:52Professor Carmen, if I could pose this to you.
02:55Is this sort of relationship typical of what we can expect in the new millennium?
02:58Very much.
02:59Not, not, not the content so much as the internet aspect.
03:03Very much so, Sean.
03:04It can be love at first bite.
03:07Yes.
03:09Yes.
03:10To what extent, though, will we rely on computers as a way of socialising?
03:15Well, I suppose that depends on whether you're using a floppy disk or a hard drive.
03:20Yeah, sorry, look, look, you're not going to keep doing those tedious computer puns, are
03:24you?
03:25I mean, I did let the first one go without comment, but I mean, love at first bite doesn't
03:29actually make any sense, does it?
03:31Love at first sight.
03:32Terrible.
03:33Doesn't make any sense.
03:34Well, there's that film, Love at First Bite.
03:37With George Hamilton.
03:38Yeah, I know, but that's, that's already a...
03:40And they spell it B-Y-T-E.
03:43Yeah, but that's already a pun, isn't it?
03:45It's already a pun.
03:46You see what I mean?
03:48You've got, love at first bite is a pun on love at first sight.
03:52You're doing a double pun.
03:53And it doesn't, it doesn't even work.
03:55I mean, you're speaking it.
03:56How can we tell how it's spelt?
03:58Doesn't make any sense at all.
03:59Just a pointless exercise and a waste of our time.
04:02Well, I just thought I'd, well, you know, I'd put some humour into the segment.
04:09Yeah, well, you know, you're a scientist, aren't you?
04:12Could you want to be scientific?
04:14I mean, I think if the segment needs levity, I'm more than capable of providing that.
04:17I do, after all, earn my living as something of a raconteur and bon vivant.
04:22For example, you're from Deakin University, are you not?
04:25You hold the chair, you have, in fact, held the chair in communications for 12 years.
04:29And if that came up, I was going to say to you, does that make you tired holding the chair for so long?
04:44I thought love at first bite was funny.
04:46Yeah.
04:47Yeah, all right.
04:48Well, let's ask the audience, which joke was funnier?
04:50Hands up if you like the feeble love at first bite demi pun.
04:54Who liked that one?
04:55All right.
04:56Now, who preferred my chair holding gag?
05:01Right, well, a nutty professor here can host the program instead of me.
05:04Here you are.
05:05Good luck with the rest of the series.
05:06Go for your life there, buddy.
05:07And I'll be off to Deakin University, where I won't be holding a chair in communications,
05:11because it's so unfunny.
05:17Throws to sketches.
05:18A shithouse!
05:23Excuse me.
05:24Do you have a blue cable knit sweater?
05:26Yes.
05:33Oh, you mean here?
05:34Uh, no.
05:35Dear Chas, it's Sunday evening, the children are tucked up in bed, and I finally have time to put pen to paper.
05:48We're all still hoping that you'll be back with us for Christmas.
05:51The newspapers are predicting-
05:52Oh!
05:53Hang on.
05:54There's someone at the door.
05:56Hello, my gorgeous lovely.
05:58Come in.
05:59I'm just writing to Chas.
06:00Oh, right.
06:02He doesn't suspect anything about us, does he?
06:04How could he?
06:08Sorry about that, darling.
06:09That was your sister dropping off some chicken broth.
06:12There you go, darling.
06:13Oh, lovely.
06:15Shall I go and wait in the bedroom?
06:17Oh, no.
06:18This won't take long.
06:19I miss you terribly, Chas.
06:22Often I find myself looking at your photograph.
06:26Oh.
06:28And crying myself to sleep.
06:31God, I love the smell of your body.
06:34Oh.
06:36I'm helping out at Mrs Brady's grocery store every-
06:40I'll help you out.
06:41I'll help you out of that dress.
06:43Oh.
06:44Oh.
06:45Oh.
06:46Oh.
06:47Oh.
06:48Oh, my love.
07:01Ellie.
07:05You sure you want me to read this out to you, Chas?
07:09Hmm.
07:10What do you think?
07:11Yeah.
07:12I'm not sure about double-breasted.
07:14Oh, it's very this year.
07:16Hmm.
07:17Hmm.
07:18Jesus Christ.
07:21It is the same cut as the Xenia.
07:24Oh.
07:25Shit, a brick.
07:28You know, of all the ones you tried on today, I actually think this one is my favourite.
07:32Yeah, I think it looks better on the hanger.
07:34Thanks anyway.
07:36Oh, fuck me sideways.
07:37Gloria, way to my office, please.
07:38Come with me.
07:39Come on.
07:40Close the door, please.
07:41Gloria.
07:42Close the door, please.
07:43Come with me.
07:44Come on.
07:45Close the door, please.
07:46Gloria.
07:47What is this?
07:48Is this one of yours?
07:49Yes, Mr. Campisi?
07:50We here at Berco Novelties pride ourselves in our excellence of product.
07:51Look at this.
07:52The formation's not convincing.
07:53The grain and detail aren't there.
07:54Even the colour is wrong.
07:55Sorry, Mr. Campisi.
07:56Sorry, Mr. Campisi.
07:57This is shit.
07:58Sorry, it won't happen again.
07:59Well, make sure that it doesn't or you find yourself back in plastic vomit before you know
08:00it.
08:01Now take this rubbish and get out of here.
08:02Good.
08:03My wife, I'm sorry.
08:04Now take this rubbish and get out of here.
08:05I'm sorry.
08:06I'm sorry.
08:07Come on.
08:08I'm sorry.
08:09I'm sorry.
08:10I'm sorry.
08:11Not really.
08:12I'm sorry.
08:13You're sorry.
08:14I'm sorry.
08:15I'm sorry.
08:16I'm sorry.
08:17I'm sorry.
08:18I'm sorry.
08:19I'm sorry.
08:20I'm sorry.
08:21I'm sorry.
08:22I'm sorry.
08:23I'm sorry.
08:24Now take this rubbish and get out of here.
08:31Yeah.
08:33Okay, okay, okay.
08:35So, he rolls out of the packets,
08:37grabs a microphone, starts singing.
08:40No, that's great, that's great.
08:41And then we'll get some beans
08:42and we'll have them dancing and doing backing vibes.
08:44Yeah, yeah, yeah, great, great, great.
08:46It's wild.
08:47Lady, gentlemen.
08:48Hey.
08:49Hello.
08:50Hey.
08:50So, you're pretty busy?
08:51Yeah, yeah, we're flat out, actually.
08:53Good.
08:54Good.
08:55Oh, yeah, you're working on the chicory peas campaign?
08:57Mm-hmm.
08:58Oh, yeah, dancing pea.
09:00Yeah, oldie, but always works.
09:02Good stuff.
09:03Good stuff.
09:04Yeah, this is going pretty well.
09:06Oh, yeah?
09:07Yep.
09:09Yeah, we're working on the McTavish dog food campaign.
09:12You could probably guess what our angle is.
09:16Go on, have a guess.
09:17Go on.
09:19Dogs running around a farmyard.
09:20Dogs running around a farmyard.
09:21Dorset from a breeder.
09:22Mrs. McTavish in front of a fire.
09:27In front of a fire.
09:28Tartan rug.
09:28Tartan rug.
09:29The rug.
09:30Little Scottish terrace running.
09:31Little Scottish terrace running.
09:33Around.
09:34Exactly.
09:35It's exactly what we've done.
09:36Well done.
09:37I'll get to go.
09:38I'll see you later.
09:42And are we ready to order?
09:43Oh, yes, thanks.
09:44Can I please have the vegetable spring rolls followed by the Tom Yum soup?
09:48Oh, yes.
09:49Fuck me, drunk.
09:50You've got to be joking.
09:53Scalpel.
10:01Ah, um, sorry everybody.
10:03I'm wanted at home immediately.
10:05My wife's having a dinner party.
10:07Can't someone else go?
10:08Sorry, Terry.
10:08I know you've got into a lot of trouble here and it looks fantastic, but I'm going to
10:11see.
10:15He's married to that woman.
10:20Look, ladies and gentlemen, I don't intend to go into too much detail at this stage, but
10:25what I will tell you is that this afternoon the body of a 44-year-old Canberra man was found
10:30in his bedroom and at this stage we are treating it as a homicide.
10:34Now, I will take a couple of brief questions.
10:35Superintendent, Superintendent, Superintendent, Des Horvath, Daily Telegraph.
10:40Sir, can you confirm that the dead man is a prominent member of Federal Parliament?
10:44I cannot confirm or deny that at this stage.
10:46Barry Griffiths, the trading post.
10:50Is it true he was found in a solid mahogany trunk with original brass handles?
10:54Yes, I can confirm that.
10:56Could you also confirm...
10:57Laurie Dancy here, our Women's Day Feng Shui column.
11:00Was there a good sense of energy flow through his house?
11:04Well, I cannot say that the arrangement of the furniture did contribute to his death.
11:10Barry Griffiths again.
11:12Barry Griffiths again.
11:13Yes, Barry.
11:14What sort of condition was the trunk in?
11:16Excellent, good or fair?
11:18Excellent.
11:18I'd say whoever had it certainly looked after the item.
11:20Superintendent, Des Horvath again, Daily Telegraph.
11:24How much do you reckon it's worth?
11:26Present day value, I'd have to say around $750.
11:30Oh, come on!
11:31You've got to be joking!
11:32Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
11:33You could buy a new one for that.
11:35Well, go and buy a new one then.
11:36Senior detective, one more question.
11:38Soles from Snake Tales.
11:40Um, how do you draw thumbs?
11:44Yeah, so basically what you've done there...
11:46Hi, guys!
11:48What's happening?
11:48What are you doing?
11:49Oh, working?
11:51Ah.
11:52Ah, the old, uh, rabbit tails there.
11:55Yeah.
11:55Good one.
11:56Always a good one.
11:57Always works.
11:57Good stuff.
11:59So, I hear you're working on the, uh, Grindle's coffee campaign.
12:03Who told you that?
12:04Oh, I have my spies.
12:06Yeah, well, it's kind of confidential, huh?
12:08I'll take it.
12:09Who told you?
12:10Um, I can't remember.
12:14Someone.
12:15Actually, we're working on the, uh, High Roast campaign.
12:19Uh, just thought I'd check and make sure, um,
12:22we didn't, uh, cover the same territory in the pitch.
12:24Could be embarrassing for the firm, so, uh...
12:27So, I thought I'd, uh, just check and see what, uh,
12:31what, uh, your, uh, you know, what's, what's your, what is your idea?
12:39Um, it's about the versatility of coffee.
12:41It's about the versatility of coffee.
12:42Bingo.
12:43Um, we have coffee in the morning as a heart starter.
12:47We enjoy coffee at lunch for the taste.
12:49We enjoy coffee at lunch for the taste.
12:49And then we have coffee in the evening as a...
12:53Sort of finish off.
12:55Sort of finish off.
12:56End of the day.
12:57End of the day.
12:57It's all centred around the one.
12:59It's all centred around the one.
13:01Family.
13:02Family.
13:02Yeah.
13:03Jesus.
13:04Yeah.
13:04Sorry, that is very similar.
13:06Very, very similar to our idea.
13:09Um, don't know what we can do about it.
13:11When's your pitch?
13:12It's tomorrow at noon.
13:13Tomorrow at noon.
13:14It's, that's bad.
13:15When's yours?
13:16Uh, it's in about five minutes.
13:17I'd better get in there, actually.
13:18There you go.
13:20All right.
13:21The very silly Tracy.
13:22You're back with Triple Z.
13:24Welcome back, by the way, to our lucky listener competition.
13:27It's time to announce the winner for a very successful competition.
13:29I'm sure it'll be back next year, so listen out for it.
13:32But now, would you welcome up to the stage, please,
13:34our winner, Barry.
13:36Good on you, Barry.
13:38Comes up here.
13:38Good on you, mate.
13:39Come on through.
13:40Lucky winner for the competition.
13:42He now receives his check off Lee for the grand sum of...
13:46Fuck me.
13:50Hi, everybody.
13:50I'm Roy, and I've got a drinking problem, too.
13:52I drink eight to ten litres of water a day, sometimes more.
13:55I have to go to the toilet quite a lot as a result.
13:57It's an absolute nightmare.
13:59I don't know why I do it.
14:00I do eat a bowl of salt every morning,
14:02and am employed as a sauna cleaner
14:04and continuously wear 16 pairs of thermal underwear.
14:06But what sort of excuse is that?
14:07I'm ashamed.
14:10No, I couldn't.
14:12And that's got Mr Clifford's most recent affidavit in it.
14:15Are all the witness statements there?
14:16Oh, no.
14:17I'll have to finish them off in the morning.
14:18Bloody hell, Jam.
14:19What sort of idiot are you?
14:21The thing starts at 12 noon tomorrow.
14:23Don't you think it would be helpful if I had them tonight?
14:25Well...
14:27Can I have a word, Michael?
14:42Yeah.
14:43I'm a bit worried about your workload, mate.
14:45You've got to slow down.
14:46You've got to take it easier.
14:48You had heart surgery last year.
14:50It almost killed you.
14:51Your wife, Carol, nearly left you.
14:53Your two kids, Craig, 26, and Diane, 27,
14:57are married and left home.
14:59Diane got a job at BHP.
15:02Late last year, you bought a new Holden Berliner,
15:04did some extensive renovations on your home.
15:08Before all, then, you found a nice little restaurant in the city
15:10that's become one of your favourites,
15:12which has taken out the Restaurant of the Year Award
15:14on several occasions.
15:16You were initially drawn to it because of its subtle lighting
15:18and its convenient location just a short walk from the CBD.
15:22But you've also come to appreciate
15:23the extensive and exquisite wine lists,
15:25which boasts premium Australian wines
15:27as well as some superb and often rare and imported wines,
15:31not to mention Chef Ubu's exotic and eclectic menu,
15:34which features such sumptuous delights
15:35as Balinese spatchcock and a dill and plum juice.
15:39Situated in trendy Baker's Lane,
15:41La Solille is open for dinner six nights a week,
15:43Monday through Saturday.
15:44Yeah.
15:46No, maybe you're right.
15:47I think I do need a break.
15:50Here we go.
15:51And...
15:54Action.
16:05Jones, are you writing personal letters on company time?
16:10No, it's on company stationery.
16:15Comedy.
16:16Aside from pornography,
16:19it's the only art form where success relies on eliciting
16:21a physical response from its viewer.
16:24And like pornography, comedy is very subjective.
16:26For example, I find open-toed shoes
16:28and eating a banana underwater obscene.
16:31For me, one, or indeed two,
16:33of the greatest exponents of comedy
16:34who ever lived or died
16:35was or were Laurel and Hardy.
16:38Funny, yes,
16:39but like all great comedy,
16:40underlying it is an element of tragedy.
16:42I see, Olly,
17:00this coffee tastes funny.
17:01I see, Olly.
17:12What is it now?
17:14Can't you see I'm trying to get some sleep?
17:18Sorry, Olly.
17:19I just want to say that I've got a bit of a toothache.
17:22Why don't you just come to bed and be quiet?
17:27Well, I don't see why I have to be so upset.
17:29I'm just telling you I've got a toothache.
17:32Will you shut up?
17:34Well, Olly, I don't know why you're so upset.
17:38I just said,
17:39I can't feel it properly.
17:43And you can feel it like I'm going to give me something more.
17:49I've got something about the pain
17:51that I can't stop.
17:52Well, it's certainly taking my mind off my toothache.
18:15Ah, don't you love good slapstick?
18:17Hi, Sean.
18:19Want to try a new spurt shampoo and conditioner?
18:22No way.
18:22I tried it years ago.
18:23My hair needs a separate conditioner.
18:25But it's changed.
18:26It conditions better than back then.
18:28But it's still a shampoo and conditioner in one.
18:30Wrong.
18:31Spurt contains not one,
18:33but seven conditioners,
18:34individually balanced for your hair type.
18:37No, thanks.
18:37I'm perfectly happy with my present hair care product.
18:39Are you sure?
18:40Positive.
18:41OK, then.
18:42Jane Gargantua there from Ineffective Sales Techniques.
18:52And done.
18:58Thanks, guys.