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00:00And these are the keys for the nuts.
00:23These always remain in my possession except in cases of extreme nut emergency.
00:27You need at least level three clearance to even touch these keys.
00:31What level am I?
00:33Level zero.
00:34I'm level minus nine.
00:38Only in the event of my death will you be called upon to unlock the nuts.
00:41You can unlock my nuts any time you like, darling.
00:45Nice one, Siri.
00:47He is of course using nuts as a slang term for testicles.
00:50Look at our face. It's a picture.
00:53That's not funny. It doesn't make any sense.
00:56In what sense can I unlock your testicles?
00:59Well, um...
01:01Shit!
01:03Anyway, the joke's on you.
01:05Because I don't even fancy her and I wouldn't touch with a barge pole.
01:08Oh, that's a shame because I really love being touched with barge poles by unattractive flatulent men.
01:14It's the only way I can get turned on.
01:16Bad luck, darling, because you're not getting a sniff of my barge pole.
01:19You know, Connie, I'm so glad you agreed to take the job that Steve offered you.
01:26Always pleased to help.
01:27Yeah.
01:27Well, her wages are coming out your wages.
01:30Yeah, well, I didn't want to, but my only other offer was from the latest KFC riff-off place on the high street.
01:36Kentucky's fried chicken.
01:37Like it's owned by a guy called Kentucky.
01:39I mean, how stupid do they think we are?
01:41Of course it's owned by Kentucky.
01:43Haven't you seen the output?
01:44I'm Kentucky.
01:46I've got lucky, crazy, picard.
01:50It's a cartoon.
01:52It's a cartoon representation of Kentucky, who's a very shy man.
01:56A very shy half-man, half-chicken.
01:59So what if he's differently abled?
02:01They're all winners.
02:02It's always been one of my dreams to work for the captain.
02:05You twat.
02:08You see?
02:09It's going really well.
02:11She's a lovely girl.
02:12So young, so pure.
02:14So perfect.
02:15But she's a bloody student.
02:17Why?
02:18So pure.
02:19I want to, but I can't.
02:22Black muck.
02:27Who are you talking to?
02:30Okay, well, I'll work here today and then see how it suits me.
02:33See how it suits you?
02:36I think that's everything.
02:37Do you think you'll be all right, girl?
02:3921, not a girl.
02:40Back off, Brussels.
02:41Do you think you'll be all right, woman?
02:45I think I can cope.
02:47I have got four A levels.
02:48Yeah, well, that just goes to show that exams are too easy these days.
02:51When I was a kid, I took O levels.
02:53Not GCSEs.
02:54Proper, hard O levels.
02:56From when it meant something.
02:57From when you could fail exams.
03:00And how many O levels did you get?
03:03Well, none.
03:06But I've found them all.
03:07But that just proves my point, doesn't it?
03:09Yeah.
03:09Anyway.
03:10Wash up the glasses, love.
03:11Well, can't Steve do it?
03:12No, I've got a broken foot.
03:15And that stops you from washing up, how?
03:17You can't wash up, darling.
03:19Washing up's woman's work.
03:20It's the way things are.
03:22That's why women's things are smaller, so they can fit inside the champagne for you.
03:27Men do not wash up.
03:28Never.
03:29Never.
03:29That's not true.
03:31I did anthropology last term.
03:33So if we locked you up in a trunk and flung you underwater, you'd be able to get out?
03:40No.
03:41Anthropology is the study of man.
03:43Yeah, of man, you notice.
03:45Not of woman.
03:47Of man as a species.
03:49And just because women did the washing up when you were a child during the war, it doesn't...
03:52They?
03:52Look, women have always washed up.
03:54They always have.
03:55Even before they were stuck to wash up.
03:56I mean, that's why women live longer than men, isn't it?
03:59So there's someone to wash up the teacups at our funerals.
04:03Never worked for me.
04:06When will I die?
04:09Have you even read The Female Eunuch?
04:11The what?
04:12It is a book by the Antipodean feminist Germaine Greer.
04:14Oi, prophet.
04:15No Germans.
04:16Not in this gap.
04:17She's Australian.
04:18Oh, that's even worse.
04:20Oh, no.
04:22Are you talking about The Female Eunuch?
04:25Yes, I suppose I am.
04:27My mum had that.
04:28It was fantastic.
04:30What?
04:31So you've read it, have you?
04:34Don't be stupid.
04:37A fantastic cover of a woman with no head and a bosom showing.
04:42Oh, that sounds blinding.
04:44No head, you say?
04:45I mean, bosom showing.
04:47Oh, wonderful.
04:48Really, am I the only one here who has actually read The Female Eunuch?
04:53Hey, hey, is it on video?
04:55Because I saw something called something like that with this Roman slave girl and a pig.
05:00No, Terry.
05:01My young ears.
05:03So pure, both of them.
05:05I've seen more hardcore porn than you've had hot dinners.
05:07No, you haven't.
05:09Well, because the guv never got carvery.
05:11Oi!
05:13Like I said, if there isn't a barge pole involved, then I'm not interested.
05:16Stop it!
05:17It's so pure.
05:19Now do the washing up.
05:20No, why can't you do it?
05:21Why?
05:22Because with my barman's hand, I can't do anything bar-related at all.
05:28Look at me.
05:29Don't look at me!
05:30Well, how can you get the key to the nuts in the first place, Mike?
05:33He only has level one clearance.
05:35Oh, my God, it's Miss Jackson.
05:36I don't want her to find out about my affliction.
05:38Yeah, well, that's your problem, not mine.
05:40Goodbye.
05:42Hello!
05:43Hello!
05:44Oh, I've missed that.
05:45Hiya, Rose.
05:46How's it hanging?
05:47I'll show you if you're right, yeah.
05:54Oh.
05:55Hello.
05:56Is this a new barmaid I see before me?
05:59Uh, yes.
05:59Miss Jackson from the brewery?
06:01Cow.
06:01Meet Connie, our new barmaid.
06:03Bloody student!
06:04Connie, bloody student, meet Miss Jackson from the brewery.
06:07Cow.
06:08Gosh, aren't you a fresh-faced young thing?
06:12I've got knickers older than you.
06:15Are you 18?
06:17I'm 21.
06:19Why?
06:19How old are you?
06:23How's little Campari?
06:25Oh, he's doing fine.
06:27Very lucky to have Barry at home looking after him during the day.
06:30Though he hasn't quite got the hang of changing nappies yet.
06:33Think, Barry, think cool.
06:36No, no, this can't be right.
06:43So, Connie, how are you fitting in?
06:45Like a square peg into a round hole.
06:47I'll put my square peg in your round hole, if you're lucky.
06:50You have square genitals, do you?
06:55Yeah.
06:59No.
07:00Listen to the question.
07:01Words in it.
07:03Do you have square genitals?
07:05Er, no.
07:07To be honest with you, Miss Jackson, I can't see her lasting long.
07:10She keeps going on about the female oonch or something.
07:12It's the female oonuch.
07:14How many times?
07:15Oh, the female eunuch.
07:16Oh, that book is mega.
07:18Fantastic cover, isn't it?
07:20Sisters are doing it for themselves.
07:23Do you remember that song?
07:24No.
07:26A bit before your time.
07:28Still, it's top to have another feminist on board.
07:31Not like the last barmaid who worked here.
07:32Slag.
07:34So, um, what did you think about the chapter on pornography?
07:38Oh, well, um, I, um...
07:39I didn't read it at all.
07:42Ooh!
07:44Oh, no, I had to skim it.
07:45You don't know how hard it is how to write for us is a term.
07:49Um...
07:50Anywho, the decorators have nearly finished outside,
07:57so it's almost time for the internal refit.
08:00I'll give you an internal refit.
08:01I know it don't make sense!
08:03Now, I don't want them in here.
08:05Why not?
08:06Well, they're Irish, aren't they?
08:07And what's wrong with that?
08:08I love the Irish.
08:09I went to Dublin for a weekend last time,
08:11and those accents are so sexy.
08:14Will you go out with me, please?
08:16No, the accent of the former Yugoslavia does nothing for me.
08:22Listen, girl, woman!
08:23Look, if you let those Irish decorators in here,
08:25there'll be a bicycle in that window
08:26before you can say the Great Potato Famine of 1845!
08:29Don't have a cow, man!
08:33Eat my shorts!
08:37Aye, carumba!
08:40Um, actually, Gubb, I've got...
08:41I've got a bit of an embarrassing problem.
08:45Oh, well, you know, tell us more, babes.
08:47You know, I'm here, we can sort you out.
08:48The decorators are coming to repaint the sign,
08:53and, um...
08:54I don't know the name of the pub.
08:57You what?
08:59Sorry.
09:00You don't know the name of the pub?
09:01You call yourself a brewery rep
09:03and you don't know the name of one of the pubs you rep?
09:05You make me sick!
09:07It's just everybody at the brewery
09:09always calls it the pub by the Chemical Works.
09:11No-one ever...
09:11It's written on the side of the pub, woman!
09:14God, dear, oh, dear.
09:14Let's go outside and show Ms Jackson the name of the pub.
09:17Come on, we're good for that.
09:18Come on, then.
09:20Let's have a look.
09:21Come on.
09:22There you go.
09:24I'm sorry, I can't read it.
09:26Oh, dearie, dearie me.
09:27Connie, tell Ms Jackson what it says.
09:30It's legible.
09:32Oh, four A-levels that you can't even read.
09:35All right, all right, you've had your fun in likeness.
09:38What does it say?
09:44Well, all right, it is a bit weather-beaten.
09:46Granted.
09:47But, yeah, you two, with your college degrees and your education,
09:50you haven't thought to do the obvious thing, have you?
09:53What?
09:54Look at the bloody sign.
09:55Come on.
09:55Arseholes.
10:07I don't know.
10:10It could be anything.
10:11You don't know the name of your own pub.
10:14Call yourself a landlord.
10:14Shut it.
10:15You've never pulled a pint in your life.
10:17Oh, well, you're so good at that, aren't you?
10:21Go wash the glasses.
10:23Look, everyone's always called it the pub by the chemical works.
10:25I've got it.
10:27It's obvious.
10:27Look, there's his face.
10:29And there's his tail.
10:31It's the Kentucky.
10:32No, it isn't.
10:34Have you seen that advert?
10:35I must be clucking crazy.
10:37Ah!
10:37If he doesn't do it like that, you are clucking useless.
10:45It actually worked, lads.
10:47Any chance of a drink?
10:48Felt like a dear thirst in here.
10:49Oh, God, that accent.
10:52Baby, you can have anything you want.
10:55Tell you what, why don't I have three pints to begin with, eh, girl?
10:57Oh, don't call her girl.
10:59No, you're all right.
11:01Shut up.
11:01Oi, don't serve him, Connie.
11:03Get back to work, you work-shy bog-trotters.
11:06We can't.
11:07Not till we know the name.
11:09Mind you, we could always make our own name up.
11:11What about the Irishman's arms, eh?
11:13No.
11:14What's the bit Irish, lads?
11:15What do you reckon?
11:15Roundy eyes?
11:16Great.
11:16No, he doesn't, child.
11:18Suppose we want an old bicycle in the window as well, eh?
11:21No.
11:23Just pour them in a drink, will you?
11:24Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
11:27Could it?
11:27You do it.
11:28What about the washing up?
11:29Shut it.
11:30Look at his hat.
11:32It's the gay huzzah.
11:33No, it isn't.
11:35This pub was never confused.
11:38Now, I can't wait forever.
11:40Either you remember the name of the pub or I'm just going to have to make one up.
11:43Something, um, 21st century like the Parallelogram.
11:48Or the Ruby Snail.
11:50Or the, um, or the Barbarella.
11:52Do you remember that, Phil?
11:53No.
11:54You've got till the end of the day.
11:59Oh, God, what's going on? I'm not drinking out of that.
12:03Sorry, nothing else is dirty.
12:05Do the washing up, then! Bloody student!
12:08Oh, Sophie!
12:11Another pint when you're ready.
12:19Another pint, please.
12:24I'm really getting through here today.
12:28Pumped by the chemical works! Pumped by the chemical works!
12:32Pumped by the chemical works! Oh, it's not nowhere here!
12:35Oh, I don't want this place called the Funky Slug!
12:39I just want to apologise.
12:41What for?
12:43For what our country's done to yours, it is terrible.
12:45I don't blame you personally, it's all right.
12:48I'll never understand, you stupid paddies.
12:51Why do you hate us Brits so much?
12:54Because you stole all our land and allowed our people to starve to death.
12:57Oh, God, I love that accent.
13:01Uncle Barry?
13:02Yeah, it's me.
13:04Yeah, how's the little one?
13:06No, no, no, no! I mean the baby!
13:10Look, this is rather embarrassing.
13:13Um, what's the name of my pub?
13:16It's the pub by the chemical works, isn't it?
13:19No?
13:21Well, I don't know then.
13:23I can't chat, I'm in the middle of something.
13:26Now, come on, tiddler.
13:27Let's have another go, shall we?
13:37Don't worry, it could happen to anyone.
13:44The library was of no value.
13:46Wasting my precious fucking time.
13:49In all of the records that I could identify, all the way back to the 1600s,
13:53this pub is simply referred to as the pub by the chemical works.
13:57There is a good side, though. I did manage to pick up these.
14:00The female lunach!
14:02Buzz on over here, Steve.
14:07This is terrible!
14:10Just goes to show you, you can't judge a book by its colour.
14:14Yeah, but when you've got a cupboard this good, who cares?
14:18Hey, Prof!
14:19Oh, yes, I love looking at pictures of females' mammary glands.
14:23A woman like that would be no good to me.
14:25No mouth.
14:26All right, that's enough!
14:28I'm not having this rubbish in my gaff!
14:31Give it here!
14:33Right.
14:34Two years. Long time.
14:44All right, listen, OK?
14:46I don't mind taking my turn at doing the washing-up so long as you two do your share as well.
14:51So, I've drawn up a rotor we've got on at the studio in the union for kitchen duty.
14:56Right, when you've done the washing-up, you place a little green token next to your name.
14:59And if you do toilet cleaning duty, then you get a little yellow circle that's got a face on it.
15:05OK?
15:07Now, if you do either of these out of town, then you get like a pink cakey thing,
15:12and you get to put that against your name, too.
15:14It's kind of like a joker.
15:16Now, once you've accumulated seven green tokens, three yellow tokens and two pink tokens,
15:23you get to replace it with a purple rhomboid.
15:29And this means that you can defer your washing-up duty to next month.
15:36This is ridiculous.
15:38Great. Now, I've drawn up another rotor for who makes the new raters,
15:41and another rotor for whose turn is to buy the tokens, and another...
15:44That's enough!
15:46I have got a much simpler system.
15:49You do the washing-up!
15:50Do you know what? I'd be more angry with you if I didn't feel so sorry for you.
16:01I...quit!
16:03No! No, you can't quit! Get back behind that bar!
16:06Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!
16:08Oi, oi, slaps!
16:10Greg Thompson, what an unexpected plaisir.
16:13Dozen of women I'm gonna marry!
16:14All right, slaps, this is, um...
16:16Monique.
16:17And this?
16:18Gregson.
16:19Boys, before I'd let you know, we've opened up a new exotic dancing bar up at the Queen of Hearts.
16:24These two lovely ladies have been sliding up and down my grease pole all evening.
16:27It's the longest pole I've ever seen.
16:30I'm implying I've got a massive cock.
16:34I've got a barge pole you can dance round if you like, and I don't mean you, Connie.
16:38Oh!
16:43Connie?
16:45What are you doing here, darling?
16:47She works here!
16:48No, I don't!
16:51Ever since you left the Queen of Hearts, there's been an empty Connie-shaped space behind the bar.
16:56I need you.
16:58I love you.
17:00You're the only woman I have ever loved.
17:02Yeah, clearly.
17:04These two mean nothing to me.
17:05Come back and work for me, darling.
17:08What, as a lap dancer?
17:10I don't think so.
17:11No.
17:12She's too young and pure for that sort of thing.
17:14No, it's just that I did lap dancing last term.
17:16What, at college?
17:18Well, you can study anything these days.
17:21No, up in town, you know, the purple curtains.
17:24Oh!
17:26No!
17:28No, you didn't!
17:29I thought I recognised you.
17:31Oh, Sally, oh my God, and Isabel!
17:33You know them?
17:34Yeah, they were in my entomology class last term.
17:37How could highly educated women like you do such a job?
17:41Have you never read The Female Ewok?
17:46I skimmed it.
17:48Before I say he's a term, you know.
17:50Yeah.
17:51Besides, I've got no choice.
17:53I've got my student loan to pay off.
17:55The only other job I could find was at bloody Kentucky's.
17:56What?
17:57And you turned it down?
17:58You must be clucking crazy!
18:01Ah!
18:03Actually, the rates at the purple curtains have gone up.
18:05I'm sure they take you back.
18:06And it's got to be less humiliating than working for that fat-headed wanker.
18:11Hey!
18:13My head is not fat!
18:15And I'm not a wanker.
18:17Yeah, all right. Cheers, yeah. Think about it.
18:19No, you don't.
18:20No girlfriend of mine is working as a lap dancer.
18:23It's a job fit for filthy sluts and whores.
18:26No offence, girls.
18:28Anyway, we'd better get back to the grind, don't you know what I mean?
18:32Kaboosh!
18:34Oh, Greg, you've got such a wonderfully balanced view of the female sex.
18:37Don't I know it?
18:39I was employing irony.
18:42I would employ her, don't I? A black girl?
18:44No, that's Ebony.
18:47Oh, right.
18:50Oh, that is fantastic. I've not looked at it that way before.
18:54Ah! Ah! Bloody feminist rubbish!
18:58So, come back with your tail between your legs, have you?
19:01There's the washing up. Get on with it, love.
19:03No, I'm going now. I've come for my wages.
19:04Mm, all right. Well, you've only worked two hours. Here you go.
19:08One quid. Hit the change.
19:10Well, go on then, go. Leave. Piss off.
19:13Go on, just go, why don't you?
19:15They all leave me. I'm so alone.
19:17Look at me.
19:19A publican who can't serve in a pub with no name.
19:22Oh, God. Kick me while I'm down, why don't you?
19:25Oh, why don't they go?
19:31Look, um...
19:32You know, oh, you know, I'm sure things will work out for you. You're a good man.
19:38Really?
19:40No, it was just really embarrassing seeing you cry and I wanted to make it stop.
19:44Oh, you know, that's the nicest thing any woman's ever done for me.
19:48You gonna go back to lap dancing, then?
19:51Yeah, I think so.
19:52Oh, please don't. You're so young. You're so pure. I mean, the thought of you, in the altogether, gyrating.
19:59Naked.
20:01Naked.
20:03Naked gyrating.
20:05There's old men stuffed fivers into your knickers.
20:09You gyrate.
20:11They stare at your...
20:13gyrations.
20:15Oh, it's fast. It's...
20:18It's disgusting.
20:19That's what it is.
20:20Oh, please don't go. Give me one more chance. I'm begging of you, love. Please, please. I'll do anything, anything.
20:26Will you do the washing up?
20:28Arseholes, I walked right into that, wouldn't you?
20:31All right, we'll institute your ridiculous rotor system. All right.
20:35Bloody student. Not in my gaff!
20:36You're beautiful.
20:39One more chance.
20:41Oh, that's brilliant. Connie, I'll... like your hair.
20:46The thing is, though, we've got to come up with a name for this pub. Miss Jackson will be here any minute.
20:51Cow, the bloody cow. You know, I wish someone would chop her head off.
20:55Wait a minute, that's it. The cow's head!
20:58Connie, you're brilliant!
21:01The cow's... head.
21:05There you go. Give that to those spud-guzzling decorators.
21:09I'm going to paint up a new sign.
21:12I can't wait to see Miss Jackson's face.
21:17Oh, Miss Jackson! What did you think of that then, eh?
21:21I love it, Governor. It's mega.
21:23Eh?
21:25Just the thing to attract a hip young crowd with its ironic rustic overtones.
21:29You what?
21:31The cow shed. It's very naughty.
21:32Why, you stupid Irish kid! That isn't what I gave you!
21:36Yes, it is.
21:39Thank you, Governor.
21:41Perfect.
21:42Right, lads, we're off.
21:44Oh, hold on. You can't go.
21:46Look, don't worry. We'll be back next week to decorate the inside.
21:49Don't forget those bicycles now, lads.
21:50Well, I mean, if you're coming back then, maybe it's worth giving this job another week.
21:55Yeah, for sure. I'm not opposed to arguing with the English, you know.
21:58You bastard!
22:00Hold on!
22:03Oh, hold on! Hold on!
22:05What about my sign?
22:07None of you know it's my sign!
22:08Yeah, come on then.
22:09Look at the picture! It's her face!
22:15Oh, shut up!
22:16Look at the picture! It's her face!
22:19Oh, shut up!
22:31Connie! Look what I've got!
22:35Is that a barge pole, or are you just pleased to see me?
22:39It's a barge pole, and I'm not pleased to see you.
22:43You repulse me!
22:45I'm not gonna touch you with it.
22:47I'm teasing you.
22:49Terry, when I said that I could only get turned on by being touched with a barge pole,
22:54I didn't mean it! I was being facetious!
22:57That's posh for gagging for it!
23:00Oh, damn these useless hands!
23:06Why? Why? Look at me!
23:11Don't look at me!
23:13Look at me! Don't look at me!
23:15Look at me!
23:17Don't look at me!
23:19Look at me!