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00:00And then the nun said, and I know I only washed it this morning.
00:21Oh, Martin, you're outrageous.
00:24I don't get it, Gov.
00:25When I told Connie that exact same joke the other week, she said it was sexist.
00:29It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind, Stephen.
00:32It's madness.
00:33It's a pulling track to schizophrenia.
00:35Once you've made a decision, you should stick to it.
00:37I, for one, would rather be consistently wrong than occasionally right by accident.
00:42Where did I go wrong, though?
00:43It was all going so well between me and her.
00:45And then you met.
00:49I'll never understand it.
00:50What is it women want?
00:52Well, Stephen, in your case, what women want is someone else.
00:56No!
00:58You got in there, Gov.
00:59It's funny because it is voracious.
01:01No, it's true.
01:03Look at his face.
01:04It's a picture.
01:08All right, you two.
01:09Break it up.
01:10I'll pay you to decorate and you to serve drinks.
01:13If I'm going to pay people to have sex, then I expect to be involved.
01:16I never knew you could.
01:17Not with you.
01:18Right, still, two years, eh?
01:20Long time.
01:22No, it's OK.
01:23I'm not into threesomes.
01:24Been there.
01:25Done that.
01:25No, you haven't.
01:26Why?
01:27So young.
01:28So pure.
01:29No, leave her alone.
01:30The thought of you two together, of you touching her in her secret, most special, undiscovered
01:34lady places.
01:37Oh, imagine that.
01:42Disgusting!
01:43Leave her alone.
01:44Now, there's a barrel in changing.
01:45Go on.
01:45Uh, no, according to the barrel changing rotor, it's your turn.
01:49You bloody stupid, you bloody rotors.
01:53Down these useless hands.
01:56Steve, you rip it up, would you, son?
01:58I'd love to, girls, but according to my ripping up the rotor rotor, it's Connie's turn to get
02:02on the rotor.
02:03Don't you bloody start!
02:06I've got barman's hand, haven't I?
02:09Look at me!
02:10Don't look at me!
02:11So I can't change a barrel.
02:14Connie, you do it.
02:15Oh, all right.
02:16I'll be back in a second, honey bum.
02:18Honey bum?
02:20Santa!
02:21Got any lugs left?
02:23Oh, hold on a minute, Terry.
02:24Aren't you barred?
02:25Uh, not that I recall.
02:27Yeah, here's Gov.
02:28He dressed Gary up in scuba diving gear and tried flushing him down the toilet.
02:31I was training him up to join my war against fish.
02:39You'll be grateful for aqua dogs like Gary when those fish launch their unprovoked attack.
02:44It'll be like Pearl Necklace all over again.
02:48Dogs don't eat fish.
02:50Wouldn't aqua cats be a more efficient attacking force?
02:54You have obviously never tried to flush a cat down a toilet.
02:57Oh, lovely, Colin.
03:02In the absence of ram and dams, have a nice packet of crisps for the go with those, Gov.
03:06I'm sorry, Terry.
03:07We're all out of crisps.
03:08Out of crisps?
03:10Why?
03:10Why?
03:11Well, I haven't been able to leave the pub for a fortnight because of those bloody decorators.
03:14I mean, they're Irish, aren't they?
03:15They can't be trusted.
03:17I suppose that you think that just because they're Irish, they must be terrorists?
03:20No, I'm not worried about that.
03:22It's all right when you've got a group of Irish guys together.
03:25Safety in numbers, innit?
03:26It's when you've got one on his own with luggage, you have to panic.
03:29Look at his watch.
03:32Personally, I won't be happy until all the British troops are taken off the streets of Dublin.
03:36Well, shut up.
03:38Yeah, that'll be a glorious day.
03:39Honestly, the only person who knows less about Ireland than you is everyone in America.
03:43I can't leave them on their own in here.
03:48Look, one governor I know, he had some paddy decorators in.
03:51He only popped out for five minutes to buy some chalk for the specials board.
03:54And by the time he got back, they'd done it up.
03:56The full Irish.
03:57Bicycle in the window.
03:59Rope on the bar.
03:59Hardback books everywhere.
04:03I don't know.
04:03In the old days, the Irish used to blow our pubs up.
04:06Now they refit them tastefully.
04:08I know which one frightens me more.
04:11Well, I need more Chris Gartonto.
04:14So if you don't go and get some, I will be taking my costume elsewhere.
04:17Yeah, arseholes.
04:20All right then, you bog monkeys, listen to me.
04:22I'm going to pop out for a new minute,
04:24and I don't want to get back and find any Celtic embellishments.
04:27Don't understand.
04:28Oh, yes, you do.
04:28No bicycles in the window.
04:30No.
04:30No, no, no hardback books.
04:31No rope on the bar.
04:33Don't be ridiculous.
04:33No signs to Galway.
04:34I don't want to go to Galway.
04:37So how far away it is, and in which direction is irrelevant?
04:40Don't be daft.
04:41No fiddles on the ceiling where they're no use to anyone.
04:43No, no sacks of fiberglass spuds in the corner.
04:46No, honestly, I swear to God, we're not going to put any of that else shade in.
04:49Nothing that you have said anyway.
04:52No poems by Yeats lovingly stenciled on the wall in curly writing.
04:57Shit.
04:57No.
04:58God, I love Yeats.
05:01Had I the heavens and brooded cloths,
05:03and wrought them golden and silver light,
05:06and the blue and the dim and the dark light,
05:09of night and light.
05:11And quite and might and bright and flight,
05:14and Israelite,
05:15what a load of shite!
05:19Watch it, big lad.
05:20Portly's a heartbeat of the Irish.
05:22Oh, yeah, the Irish,
05:23a nation of beautiful poets telling beautiful poems beautifully in English!
05:27My wrist was a shame.
05:30Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams.
05:33Oh, God, that's so romantic.
05:35If you carry on like that,
05:36I'm going to have to issue a flood warning to my knickers.
05:38I'm going to have to issue a lot of words.
05:39Why?
05:40Oh, yeah.
05:40Right.
05:41Well, I'm going out, and I don't want you putting anything Irish in my pub.
05:45Especially not in my barmaid.
05:46Not in my pub.
05:47You got that?
05:48OK.
05:49Didn't say anything about the car park.
05:50Sleep.
05:51Lucky.
05:52Ugly bastard.
05:53You know, Connie, I know some poetry as well.
05:56Really?
05:57If you want to eat some food, Kentucky's chicken is hand-sucking good.
06:03Yeah, I've seen the advert.
06:04I must be clocking crazy!
06:06And if we're being honest about it,
06:08I'm going to have to say anything about the car park.
06:09What do you think about the car park?
06:10Sleep.
06:11Lucky, ugly bastard.
06:13You know, Connie, I know some poetry as well.
06:14Really?
06:15If you want to eat some food,
06:17Kentucky's chicken is hand-sucking good.
06:19Yeah, I've seen the advert.
06:20I must be clocking crazy!
06:23And if we're being honest about it,
06:25food and good don't actually rhyme, do they?
06:29They do the way Kentucky sings, don't they?
06:32Oh, damn these useless hands!
06:34Oh, my tricks!
06:35My beautiful tricks!
06:38Oh, it's all right.
06:41Nothing Irish!
06:43No bicycle in the window.
06:45No rope on the bar.
06:46No comedians telling stories instead of jokes.
06:50Mind you, I thought of everything.
06:52Justice.
06:53Ah, you got us, Urkoff.
06:55Too clever by far.
06:56Sound this for us, will you me?
06:57Yeah, sure.
06:59There you go.
07:00Terry, yet again,
07:01the Irish bow down
07:02before the might of the great British Empire.
07:05A bunch of useless, stinking...
07:07What the hell is that?!
07:13I wish him well!
07:14I wish him well!
07:15I definitely said no wish him well!
07:16No, he didn't.
07:17Yes, I did.
07:18It's so obvious, no wish him well!
07:19Not according to my log.
07:20Oh, thank you, Captain Janeway.
07:22Oh, I wish.
07:23Oh, I don't know if I'm getting a wish him well!
07:25Have you never even mentioned leprechauns?
07:27You should be ashamed of yourself.
07:28But don't drop it in!
07:29Get rid of this monstrosity!
07:30No, I'm sorry, you signed for it.
07:32And rules are rules.
07:33Not use English, you like it.
07:34I'm forcing your rules.
07:35Right, let's have a go.
07:37Thank you for blessing me this day!
07:39Thank you for coming your way!
07:41Now that is poetry!
07:43Oh, yeah!
07:45Thank you for blessing me this day!
07:47Good luck will surely come your way!
07:51Thank you for blessing me this day!
07:53Good luck will surely come your way!
07:55Thank you for blessing me this day!
07:57Good luck will surely come your way!
07:59All right, Steve!
08:00You've been in there an hour!
08:01Give it a rest!
08:03I'll have to!
08:04I've got no money left!
08:05I wonder when the magic starts working!
08:07Yeah, where have you been getting all that money from, anyway?
08:09Oh, there's loads of it!
08:10Over there!
08:11In the till!
08:12Hot!
08:13You idiot!
08:14That's coming out of your wages!
08:15Go on, fish it out!
08:16Oh, no, you don't!
08:17All the money in that world goes to charity!
08:19Ha!
08:20Well, if the poor and or nutty kiddies will benefit!
08:22Oh, no, it goes to the Irish inheritance!
08:24It's, uh, promote Irish culture!
08:26We plan to have a bicycle in the window of every pub in England by the year 2000.
08:30Ha!
08:31Ha!
08:32Arseholes!
08:33I'm gonna get that thing out of here!
08:35He who desecrates my magic well will most surely go to hell!
08:41Ha!
08:42Ha!
08:43Ha!
08:44Oh, it's a jukebox as well!
08:46Ha!
08:47Ha!
08:48Ha!
08:49Ha!
08:50Ha!
08:51Ha!
08:52Ha!
08:53Ha!
08:54Ha!
08:55Ha!
08:56Ha!
08:57Ha!
08:58Ha!
08:59Ha!
09:00Ha!
09:01Ha!
09:02Ha!
09:03Ha!
09:04Ha!
09:05Ha!
09:06Ha!
09:07Ha!
09:08Ha!
09:09Ha!
09:10Ha!
09:11Ha!
09:12Ha!
09:13Ha!
09:14Ha!
09:15Ha!
09:16Ha!
09:17Ha!
09:18Ha!
09:19Ha!
09:20Ha!
09:21Ha!
09:22Ha!
09:23Ha!
09:24Ha!
09:25Ha!
09:26Ha!
09:27Ha!
09:28Ha!
09:29Ha!
09:30Ha!
09:31Ha!
09:32Ha!
09:33Ha!
09:34Ha!
09:35Ha!
09:36Ha!
09:37Ha!
09:38Ha!
09:39Ha!
09:40Ha!
09:41Ha!
09:42Ha!
09:43Ha!
09:44of the Irish Republican Army.
09:46Ah, come on, she'll roll me it tonight.
09:47Eh? But that's impossible!
09:50What is?
09:51In the new issue of But That's Impossible,
09:53I have come third in the But That's Impossible
09:55reader werewolf-luckalike competition.
09:58But that is impossible.
10:00The leprechaun was right.
10:03Good luck has surely come my way.
10:05It's true. The world is enchanted.
10:08Its powers have been scientifically proven
10:10by Stephen's good fortune.
10:12It's worth a punt.
10:14Stop it!
10:15You're spending your drinking money!
10:17I hate you, you stupid little leprechaun bastard!
10:19You're gonna ruin me!
10:20Fuck you!
10:21Eh?
10:23Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!
10:27Thank you for blessing me this day.
10:29Good luck will surely come your way.
10:33That's about the fifth time Terry's been back in there
10:36in an hour.
10:37Addicted.
10:38Sad.
10:39Blend me some money, Connie.
10:41Um, yeah, sure.
10:42I think I've got something here for you.
10:44Um...
10:45We've got to get rid of this leprechaun.
10:48He speaks to me.
10:49He does.
10:50He doesn't like me.
10:51Listen, Gav, you're under a lot of strain.
10:53I did psychology last time.
10:54Oh, no you don't!
10:56Just because a leprechaun is talking to me
10:57and no one else can hear it,
10:58that does not make me mental.
11:01No, not mental.
11:02You're stressed.
11:03You're confused.
11:04I was never confused.
11:05I was never confused.
11:06It could explain your barman's hand.
11:09The problem could be psychosomatic.
11:12Oh, that's posh for vomiting the vicar too much.
11:17Yeah, you'll be able to help,
11:18the stupid old Catholic bastard.
11:19Help me get rid of it.
11:20I mean, this leprechaun,
11:21he must be against God and nature or whatever.
11:23On the contrary,
11:24Jesus loved all leprechauns.
11:27Eh?
11:27He cured hundreds of them.
11:31That was lepers you softed in old crap.
11:35Don't worry about it, old fella.
11:36You'll be helping the Catholics soon enough.
11:39We only have to be lucky once.
11:4258 Earth minutes have elapsed
11:44since I inserted my money into that well
11:46and still I have experienced
11:47no discernible good fortune.
11:49Patience is a turtle.
11:50Slowly, slowly, catch a monkey.
11:55Oh, what a fool I have been
11:58to think that my problems
11:59could be solved by a puddle of water
12:01and a plastic gnome.
12:03I've wasted precious fucking drinking money
12:05on that cocking sham.
12:09Someone is going to pay.
12:13Oh, well, I'd better be off
12:14since Tuesday I have to go home
12:16to soak Mother's leg.
12:18Hello?
12:22Yeah, the prof.
12:23The hospital for you.
12:26Hello?
12:28Why, that's wonderful news.
12:32Mother has been trampled by a cow.
12:35I should be in hospital for a week.
12:37Let the good times roll.
12:39The well is magic!
12:40Yay!
12:41Hello?
12:44Yeah, the old man with no name.
12:46Hospital for you.
12:48Hello?
12:49Yes?
12:50That's wonderful news.
12:53What is it?
12:53The test results are in.
12:55I've got two weeks to live.
12:57I'm going to die soon.
12:58Oh, well, it's magic!
13:02Yeah!
13:03That's not lucky!
13:06Hello?
13:07Yes, Terry, it's the hospital for you.
13:10Hello, yes.
13:12Yes, fine.
13:13Great fine.
13:14What is it?
13:15They said if I don't stop
13:16hanging round the nurse's home at night,
13:18they're going to have to start
13:19calling the police.
13:20I obviously haven't put enough money in you.
13:24Ha-ha!
13:25Leprechaun, you failed!
13:26You're not magic at all!
13:28Wanker!
13:29Ha!
13:30Thank you!
13:31Thank you!
13:31Thank you!
13:32Is magic of course not?
13:34No, I mean, Connie,
13:35you put your money in,
13:36you haven't any luck, have you?
13:37Oh, I wouldn't say that exactly.
13:39Show me your tongue, Martin.
13:41Oh!
13:44God!
13:44Leprechaun!
13:48Right,
13:48that leprechaun has got to go!
13:53Hold on, Terry,
13:53what are you doing?
13:55Oh, this pissing well is great.
13:58Yeah, it saves a long walk to the carsies.
14:00That's luck enough for me.
14:02You want to be careful,
14:03you aggravate the little fella.
14:06Who told you about that?
14:08No, the leprechaun.
14:10You'll upset him,
14:10he's magic, he's evil.
14:12He'll swear at you, he will.
14:13It might be lucky for you too, hey, Gav.
14:15Go on, bung some money in.
14:17I don't know.
14:22I've never really had much luck
14:23with luck in my life.
14:26I've only really ever had one wish.
14:28It's to get my boy back.
14:31And to get a carvery.
14:32Yeah.
14:33And to beat that Greg Thompson.
14:35Yeah,
14:36and to join the bar stewards,
14:37that'd be nice.
14:38And maybe to attend a homosexual orgy,
14:40just so I can see what those fellas are doing,
14:42and rule it out as disgusting.
14:44Get out!
14:48One wish.
14:48Is that too much to ask, are you?
14:51You'll have no luck.
14:52You'll be a loser
14:53until you have
14:54an Irish bruiser.
14:56Bastard.
14:56Oh, so that shit done you did,
14:58you would have turned my pub into an Irish one?
14:59Well, it's not going to happen.
15:01No way!
15:02I won't be dictated to do
15:03by some poxy plastic paddy pixie.
15:05Oh, you've threatened me once
15:06too often, Leprechaun.
15:07And now you're going to pay.
15:09Ah!
15:10Damn these useless hands!
15:13Hello!
15:15Everything all right, Governor?
15:16Ah!
15:16Miss Jackson!
15:18Yeah, everything's fine.
15:20Were you talking to that Leprechaun?
15:22Who, me?
15:23Talking to the Leprechaun?
15:24Don't be tough.
15:25The call start,
15:25he's not alive.
15:26I wouldn't talk to it.
15:27Fussy!
15:28Ah, shut up,
15:29you stupid little...
15:29Yeah, me talking to the Leprechaun.
15:31Anywho,
15:34your regulars are raving
15:36about this wishing well.
15:38Whoa, whoa, whoa,
15:39it's magic,
15:40you know.
15:43Never believe it's not so.
15:46Do you remember that song?
15:47No.
15:49Anyway,
15:50it's great PR for the pub,
15:51and the best thing of all
15:52is it's all for charity.
15:54Yeah, but it's evil,
15:55it's magic,
15:55it talks to me,
15:56it wants to hurt me,
15:57it does,
15:57it does.
15:58Gov,
16:01I wonder if you shouldn't
16:02take tomorrow off,
16:04have a bit of a lie-in.
16:05I can look after
16:06the old Rub-a-Dub-Dub.
16:07The what?
16:08The pub.
16:08I can look after the pub.
16:09Why didn't you just say that, then?
16:12Listen,
16:13are you two going to be long?
16:16I've really got to curl one out.
16:22Big Gora,
16:24top of the morning to you.
16:25Keep those Irish eyes a smudge.
16:27Will you please form an orderly queue?
16:30You're not going to get there
16:30any quicker by pushing.
16:32Here are your dreams come true.
16:35Oi, hurry up.
16:36I'm busting.
16:38Terry,
16:39am I right in thinking
16:40that you've been using
16:41the well as a urinal?
16:43No.
16:44No?
16:45Listen to the question.
16:47Think about what the words mean.
16:49Have you been using
16:50the well as a urinal?
16:52Yes!
16:53Oh, Terry.
16:53Won't it just be quicker
16:54to use the loo?
16:55It's miles away.
16:56Oi!
16:57Hurry up!
17:00Oi!
17:01That's in my way,
17:01you bloody freaks and cripples.
17:07All right, Connie,
17:07my little darling,
17:08I've been thinking about you.
17:10Giza was selling these
17:10in my boozer.
17:11I bought the whole lot,
17:12including the bucket.
17:15Bucket?
17:15How very romantic.
17:17But it's a shame,
17:18you see,
17:18because I received
17:19a dozen buckets
17:19last Valentine's Day.
17:21I don't know
17:21if I can use this one.
17:22I can.
17:23Give it to me.
17:24It's starting to dribble.
17:28Anyway,
17:28I'm with Martin now
17:29and he knows
17:30how to treat a woman.
17:31He recites poetry to her
17:33and then goes down
17:33on her for six hours.
17:36I want it here
17:36for the crack.
17:37Now that
17:41is filth,
17:42but poetry I can do.
17:46I don't know
17:46how I could have lived
17:47before we met.
17:49You're the breath
17:49in my lungs,
17:50my heartbeat,
17:51and yet
17:51a moment without you
17:53is like an eternity
17:54in hell.
17:55I cannot forget
17:55your face,
17:56your smile,
17:57your smell.
17:59Our love is a flame
17:59that will burn forever
18:00and I will not
18:02be complete
18:02until we're together.
18:04Plus,
18:04I'm packing enough
18:05to fill Bigfoot's sock.
18:08I'm implying
18:09I've got a massive cock.
18:13Kaboosh.
18:18Oh, hey!
18:19Mind the air?
18:21You don't want
18:22to mess with me, mate.
18:22I can make life
18:23very difficult for you.
18:24Oh, yeah?
18:24You and whose army?
18:26Me and the Irish
18:26Republican army.
18:28Right.
18:29Well, anyway,
18:29luckily for you,
18:31I've got to get back
18:31up to Queen of Hearts.
18:32Is that where you live?
18:33We're good at pubs.
18:34No, I meant
18:35the Laughing Cavalier.
18:38Later.
18:42Martin,
18:43this wishing well
18:44is a massive hit.
18:45It's...
18:46It's boom-bastic.
18:48I just wondered,
18:49do you have
18:50any other ideas
18:51for the pub?
18:54How about
18:55grab a granny night
18:56because it's about
18:57the only chance
18:57you've got of pulling.
18:59Well, I was wondering,
19:03have you ever wondered
19:03how far away
19:04you are from Galway?
19:05Yes, I have.
19:08Oh, pub!
19:09What have I done
19:10to my pub?
19:11No!
19:11No!
19:12No!
19:12No!
19:42I'm doing the river dance.
19:52Do you remember that show?
19:54No!
20:02No!
20:04No!
20:05No!
20:09Let me shower, you.
20:11Which me, leprechaun gold.
20:16Wanker, wanker, wanker, wanker, wanker, wanker, wanker.
20:24Nice to stay up!
20:26No!
20:36Ah!
20:37Ah!
20:37Ah!
20:38Ah!
20:38Ah!
20:38Ah!
20:40Oh!
20:41Ah!
20:41Ah!
20:42Thank God.
20:43It was just a dream.
20:44Or was it?
20:45Ah!
20:46Ah!
20:48Ah!
20:50Ah!
20:51Ah!
20:52Ah!
20:53Ah!
20:54Ah!
20:55Ah!
20:56Ah!
20:57Ah!
20:58Ah!
20:59Ah!
21:00Ah!
21:01Ah!
21:01Ah!
21:01Ah!
21:02Ah!
21:04Ah!
21:05Ah!
21:06down here so quick. Oh, you're good, Leprechaun. Very good. I'll do it. Whatever you want.
21:11The full Irish. Looks like I'll be here for some time. Oh, Gizzy. But all I ask in return
21:15is one wish. If you promise to me be good and true, then one Irish wish I'll give to
21:20you. All right. I wish you will do the opposite of everything I say. But if we do the opposite
21:25of everything you say, then I must do what you say. But if I do what you say, then I
21:29am not doing the opposite, and so I must do what you say.
21:36Oh, my God. His penis has burnt away to nothing. To be honest, it was like that before.
21:59Shut up, old man. Jordan and his men must have wired this wrong or something. Criminal. The
22:05lawsuit on burning a man's wink he doesn't bear thinking about.
22:09Shut up, man. Right, lads, we'd better get off. I've got that other job to get to, remember?
22:14What? You're leaving?
22:16I'm sorry, Connie, love. I have to. I'm a decorator. Whenever there's walls I need papering and
22:21tiles I need grouting, my job will never be over.
22:24Oh, I'll always have the car park.
22:27Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Justice! Ha, ha, ha. Can I take him home, Guff? And mouth some
22:36bath? All right, then.
22:39Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. No!
22:43Right, better find a nice new home for all this lovely money. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, yeah. Terry.
22:49Hmm. Crosby! I've got a little job for you, son. Fantastic.