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00:00And then the nun said, and I know I only washed it this morning.

00:21Oh, Martin, you're outrageous.

00:24I don't get it, Gov.

00:25When I told Connie that exact same joke the other week, she said it was sexist.

00:29It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind, Stephen.

00:32It's madness.

00:33It's a pulling track to schizophrenia.

00:35Once you've made a decision, you should stick to it.

00:37I, for one, would rather be consistently wrong than occasionally right by accident.

00:42Where did I go wrong, though?

00:43It was all going so well between me and her.

00:45And then you met.

00:49I'll never understand it.

00:50What is it women want?

00:52Well, Stephen, in your case, what women want is someone else.

00:56No!

00:58You got in there, Gov.

00:59It's funny because it is voracious.

01:01No, it's true.

01:03Look at his face.

01:04It's a picture.

01:08All right, you two.

01:09Break it up.

01:10I'll pay you to decorate and you to serve drinks.

01:13If I'm going to pay people to have sex, then I expect to be involved.

01:16I never knew you could.

01:17Not with you.

01:18Right, still, two years, eh?

01:20Long time.

01:22No, it's OK.

01:23I'm not into threesomes.

01:24Been there.

01:25Done that.

01:25No, you haven't.

01:26Why?

01:27So young.

01:28So pure.

01:29No, leave her alone.

01:30The thought of you two together, of you touching her in her secret, most special, undiscovered

01:34lady places.

01:37Oh, imagine that.

01:42Disgusting!

01:43Leave her alone.

01:44Now, there's a barrel in changing.

01:45Go on.

01:45Uh, no, according to the barrel changing rotor, it's your turn.

01:49You bloody stupid, you bloody rotors.

01:53Down these useless hands.

01:56Steve, you rip it up, would you, son?

01:58I'd love to, girls, but according to my ripping up the rotor rotor, it's Connie's turn to get

02:02on the rotor.

02:03Don't you bloody start!

02:06I've got barman's hand, haven't I?

02:09Look at me!

02:10Don't look at me!

02:11So I can't change a barrel.

02:14Connie, you do it.

02:15Oh, all right.

02:16I'll be back in a second, honey bum.

02:18Honey bum?

02:20Santa!

02:21Got any lugs left?

02:23Oh, hold on a minute, Terry.

02:24Aren't you barred?

02:25Uh, not that I recall.

02:27Yeah, here's Gov.

02:28He dressed Gary up in scuba diving gear and tried flushing him down the toilet.

02:31I was training him up to join my war against fish.

02:39You'll be grateful for aqua dogs like Gary when those fish launch their unprovoked attack.

02:44It'll be like Pearl Necklace all over again.

02:48Dogs don't eat fish.

02:50Wouldn't aqua cats be a more efficient attacking force?

02:54You have obviously never tried to flush a cat down a toilet.

02:57Oh, lovely, Colin.

03:02In the absence of ram and dams, have a nice packet of crisps for the go with those, Gov.

03:06I'm sorry, Terry.

03:07We're all out of crisps.

03:08Out of crisps?

03:10Why?

03:11Well, I haven't been able to leave the pub for a fortnight because of those bloody decorators.

03:14I mean, they're Irish, aren't they?

03:15They can't be trusted.

03:17I suppose that you think that just because they're Irish, they must be terrorists?

03:20No, I'm not worried about that.

03:22It's all right when you've got a group of Irish guys together.

03:25Safety in numbers, innit?

03:26It's when you've got one on his own with luggage, you have to panic.

03:29Look at his watch.

03:32Personally, I won't be happy until all the British troops are taken off the streets of Dublin.

03:36Well, shut up.

03:38Yeah, that'll be a glorious day.

03:39Honestly, the only person who knows less about Ireland than you is everyone in America.

03:43I can't leave them on their own in here.

03:48Look, one governor I know, he had some paddy decorators in.

03:51He only popped out for five minutes to buy some chalk for the specials board.

03:54And by the time he got back, they'd done it up.

03:56The full Irish.

03:57Bicycle in the window.

03:59Rope on the bar.

03:59Hardback books everywhere.

04:03I don't know.

04:03In the old days, the Irish used to blow our pubs up.

04:06Now they refit them tastefully.

04:08I know which one frightens me more.

04:11Well, I need more Chris Gartonto.

04:14So if you don't go and get some, I will be taking my costume elsewhere.

04:17Yeah, arseholes.

04:20All right then, you bog monkeys, listen to me.

04:22I'm going to pop out for a new minute,

04:24and I don't want to get back and find any Celtic embellishments.

04:27Don't understand.

04:28Oh, yes, you do.

04:28No bicycles in the window.

04:30No.

04:30No, no, no hardback books.

04:31No rope on the bar.

04:33Don't be ridiculous.

04:33No signs to Galway.

04:34I don't want to go to Galway.

04:37So how far away it is, and in which direction is irrelevant?

04:40Don't be daft.

04:41No fiddles on the ceiling where they're no use to anyone.

04:43No, no sacks of fiberglass spuds in the corner.

04:46No, honestly, I swear to God, we're not going to put any of that else shade in.

04:49Nothing that you have said anyway.

04:52No poems by Yeats lovingly stenciled on the wall in curly writing.

04:57Shit.

04:57No.

04:58God, I love Yeats.

05:01Had I the heavens and brooded cloths,

05:03and wrought them golden and silver light,

05:06and the blue and the dim and the dark light,

05:09of night and light.

05:11And quite and might and bright and flight,

05:14and Israelite,

05:15what a load of shite!

05:19Watch it, big lad.

05:20Portly's a heartbeat of the Irish.

05:22Oh, yeah, the Irish,

05:23a nation of beautiful poets telling beautiful poems beautifully in English!

05:27My wrist was a shame.

05:30Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams.

05:33Oh, God, that's so romantic.

05:35If you carry on like that,

05:36I'm going to have to issue a flood warning to my knickers.

05:38I'm going to have to issue a lot of words.

05:39Why?

05:40Oh, yeah.

05:40Right.

05:41Well, I'm going out, and I don't want you putting anything Irish in my pub.

05:45Especially not in my barmaid.

05:46Not in my pub.

05:47You got that?

05:48OK.

05:49Didn't say anything about the car park.

05:50Sleep.

05:51Lucky.

05:52Ugly bastard.

05:53You know, Connie, I know some poetry as well.

05:56Really?

05:57If you want to eat some food, Kentucky's chicken is hand-sucking good.

06:03Yeah, I've seen the advert.

06:04I must be clocking crazy!

06:06And if we're being honest about it,

06:08I'm going to have to say anything about the car park.

06:09What do you think about the car park?

06:10Sleep.

06:11Lucky, ugly bastard.

06:13You know, Connie, I know some poetry as well.

06:14Really?

06:15If you want to eat some food,

06:17Kentucky's chicken is hand-sucking good.

06:19Yeah, I've seen the advert.

06:20I must be clocking crazy!

06:23And if we're being honest about it,

06:25food and good don't actually rhyme, do they?

06:29They do the way Kentucky sings, don't they?

06:32Oh, damn these useless hands!

06:34Oh, my tricks!

06:35My beautiful tricks!

06:38Oh, it's all right.

06:41Nothing Irish!

06:43No bicycle in the window.

06:45No rope on the bar.

06:46No comedians telling stories instead of jokes.

06:50Mind you, I thought of everything.

06:52Justice.

06:53Ah, you got us, Urkoff.

06:55Too clever by far.

06:56Sound this for us, will you me?

06:57Yeah, sure.

06:59There you go.

07:00Terry, yet again,

07:01the Irish bow down

07:02before the might of the great British Empire.

07:05A bunch of useless, stinking...

07:07What the hell is that?!

07:13I wish him well!

07:14I wish him well!

07:15I definitely said no wish him well!

07:16No, he didn't.

07:17Yes, I did.

07:18It's so obvious, no wish him well!

07:19Not according to my log.

07:20Oh, thank you, Captain Janeway.

07:22Oh, I wish.

07:23Oh, I don't know if I'm getting a wish him well!

07:25Have you never even mentioned leprechauns?

07:27You should be ashamed of yourself.

07:28But don't drop it in!

07:29Get rid of this monstrosity!

07:30No, I'm sorry, you signed for it.

07:32And rules are rules.

07:33Not use English, you like it.

07:34I'm forcing your rules.

07:35Right, let's have a go.

07:37Thank you for blessing me this day!

07:39Thank you for coming your way!

07:41Now that is poetry!

07:43Oh, yeah!

07:45Thank you for blessing me this day!

07:47Good luck will surely come your way!

07:51Thank you for blessing me this day!

07:53Good luck will surely come your way!

07:55Thank you for blessing me this day!

07:57Good luck will surely come your way!

07:59All right, Steve!

08:00You've been in there an hour!

08:01Give it a rest!

08:03I'll have to!

08:04I've got no money left!

08:05I wonder when the magic starts working!

08:07Yeah, where have you been getting all that money from, anyway?

08:09Oh, there's loads of it!

08:10Over there!

08:11In the till!

08:12Hot!

08:13You idiot!

08:14That's coming out of your wages!

08:15Go on, fish it out!

08:16Oh, no, you don't!

08:17All the money in that world goes to charity!

08:19Ha!

08:20Well, if the poor and or nutty kiddies will benefit!

08:22Oh, no, it goes to the Irish inheritance!

08:24It's, uh, promote Irish culture!

08:26We plan to have a bicycle in the window of every pub in England by the year 2000.

08:30Ha!

08:31Ha!

08:32Arseholes!

08:33I'm gonna get that thing out of here!

08:35He who desecrates my magic well will most surely go to hell!

08:41Ha!

08:42Ha!

08:43Ha!

08:44Oh, it's a jukebox as well!

08:46Ha!

08:47Ha!

08:48Ha!

08:49Ha!

08:50Ha!

08:51Ha!

08:52Ha!

08:53Ha!

08:54Ha!

08:55Ha!

08:56Ha!

08:57Ha!

08:58Ha!

08:59Ha!

09:00Ha!

09:01Ha!

09:02Ha!

09:03Ha!

09:04Ha!

09:05Ha!

09:06Ha!

09:07Ha!

09:08Ha!

09:09Ha!

09:10Ha!

09:11Ha!

09:12Ha!

09:13Ha!

09:14Ha!

09:15Ha!

09:16Ha!

09:17Ha!

09:18Ha!

09:19Ha!

09:20Ha!

09:21Ha!

09:22Ha!

09:23Ha!

09:24Ha!

09:25Ha!

09:26Ha!

09:27Ha!

09:28Ha!

09:29Ha!

09:30Ha!

09:31Ha!

09:32Ha!

09:33Ha!

09:34Ha!

09:35Ha!

09:36Ha!

09:37Ha!

09:38Ha!

09:39Ha!

09:40Ha!

09:41Ha!

09:42Ha!

09:43Ha!

09:44of the Irish Republican Army.

09:46Ah, come on, she'll roll me it tonight.

09:47Eh? But that's impossible!

09:50What is?

09:51In the new issue of But That's Impossible,

09:53I have come third in the But That's Impossible

09:55reader werewolf-luckalike competition.

09:58But that is impossible.

10:00The leprechaun was right.

10:03Good luck has surely come my way.

10:05It's true. The world is enchanted.

10:08Its powers have been scientifically proven

10:10by Stephen's good fortune.

10:12It's worth a punt.

10:14Stop it!

10:15You're spending your drinking money!

10:17I hate you, you stupid little leprechaun bastard!

10:19You're gonna ruin me!

10:20Fuck you!

10:21Eh?

10:23Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

10:27Thank you for blessing me this day.

10:29Good luck will surely come your way.

10:33That's about the fifth time Terry's been back in there

10:36in an hour.

10:37Addicted.

10:38Sad.

10:39Blend me some money, Connie.

10:41Um, yeah, sure.

10:42I think I've got something here for you.

10:44Um...

10:45We've got to get rid of this leprechaun.

10:48He speaks to me.

10:49He does.

10:50He doesn't like me.

10:51Listen, Gav, you're under a lot of strain.

10:53I did psychology last time.

10:54Oh, no you don't!

10:56Just because a leprechaun is talking to me

10:57and no one else can hear it,

10:58that does not make me mental.

11:01No, not mental.

11:02You're stressed.

11:03You're confused.

11:04I was never confused.

11:05I was never confused.

11:06It could explain your barman's hand.

11:09The problem could be psychosomatic.

11:12Oh, that's posh for vomiting the vicar too much.

11:17Yeah, you'll be able to help,

11:18the stupid old Catholic bastard.

11:19Help me get rid of it.

11:20I mean, this leprechaun,

11:21he must be against God and nature or whatever.

11:23On the contrary,

11:24Jesus loved all leprechauns.

11:27Eh?

11:27He cured hundreds of them.

11:31That was lepers you softed in old crap.

11:35Don't worry about it, old fella.

11:36You'll be helping the Catholics soon enough.

11:39We only have to be lucky once.

11:4258 Earth minutes have elapsed

11:44since I inserted my money into that well

11:46and still I have experienced

11:47no discernible good fortune.

11:49Patience is a turtle.

11:50Slowly, slowly, catch a monkey.

11:55Oh, what a fool I have been

11:58to think that my problems

11:59could be solved by a puddle of water

12:01and a plastic gnome.

12:03I've wasted precious fucking drinking money

12:05on that cocking sham.

12:09Someone is going to pay.

12:13Oh, well, I'd better be off

12:14since Tuesday I have to go home

12:16to soak Mother's leg.

12:18Hello?

12:22Yeah, the prof.

12:23The hospital for you.

12:26Hello?

12:28Why, that's wonderful news.

12:32Mother has been trampled by a cow.

12:35I should be in hospital for a week.

12:37Let the good times roll.

12:39The well is magic!

12:40Yay!

12:41Hello?

12:44Yeah, the old man with no name.

12:46Hospital for you.

12:48Hello?

12:49Yes?

12:50That's wonderful news.

12:53What is it?

12:53The test results are in.

12:55I've got two weeks to live.

12:57I'm going to die soon.

12:58Oh, well, it's magic!

13:02Yeah!

13:03That's not lucky!

13:06Hello?

13:07Yes, Terry, it's the hospital for you.

13:10Hello, yes.

13:12Yes, fine.

13:13Great fine.

13:14What is it?

13:15They said if I don't stop

13:16hanging round the nurse's home at night,

13:18they're going to have to start

13:19calling the police.

13:20I obviously haven't put enough money in you.

13:24Ha-ha!

13:25Leprechaun, you failed!

13:26You're not magic at all!

13:28Wanker!

13:29Ha!

13:30Thank you!

13:31Thank you!

13:32Is magic of course not?

13:34No, I mean, Connie,

13:35you put your money in,

13:36you haven't any luck, have you?

13:37Oh, I wouldn't say that exactly.

13:39Show me your tongue, Martin.

13:41Oh!

13:44God!

13:44Leprechaun!

13:48Right,

13:48that leprechaun has got to go!

13:53Hold on, Terry,

13:53what are you doing?

13:55Oh, this pissing well is great.

13:58Yeah, it saves a long walk to the carsies.

14:00That's luck enough for me.

14:02You want to be careful,

14:03you aggravate the little fella.

14:06Who told you about that?

14:08No, the leprechaun.

14:10You'll upset him,

14:10he's magic, he's evil.

14:12He'll swear at you, he will.

14:13It might be lucky for you too, hey, Gav.

14:15Go on, bung some money in.

14:17I don't know.

14:22I've never really had much luck

14:23with luck in my life.

14:26I've only really ever had one wish.

14:28It's to get my boy back.

14:31And to get a carvery.

14:32Yeah.

14:33And to beat that Greg Thompson.

14:35Yeah,

14:36and to join the bar stewards,

14:37that'd be nice.

14:38And maybe to attend a homosexual orgy,

14:40just so I can see what those fellas are doing,

14:42and rule it out as disgusting.

14:44Get out!

14:48One wish.

14:48Is that too much to ask, are you?

14:51You'll have no luck.

14:52You'll be a loser

14:53until you have

14:54an Irish bruiser.

14:56Bastard.

14:56Oh, so that shit done you did,

14:58you would have turned my pub into an Irish one?

14:59Well, it's not going to happen.

15:01No way!

15:02I won't be dictated to do

15:03by some poxy plastic paddy pixie.

15:05Oh, you've threatened me once

15:06too often, Leprechaun.

15:07And now you're going to pay.

15:09Ah!

15:10Damn these useless hands!

15:13Hello!

15:15Everything all right, Governor?

15:16Ah!

15:16Miss Jackson!

15:18Yeah, everything's fine.

15:20Were you talking to that Leprechaun?

15:22Who, me?

15:23Talking to the Leprechaun?

15:24Don't be tough.

15:25The call start,

15:25he's not alive.

15:26I wouldn't talk to it.

15:27Fussy!

15:28Ah, shut up,

15:29you stupid little...

15:29Yeah, me talking to the Leprechaun.

15:31Anywho,

15:34your regulars are raving

15:36about this wishing well.

15:38Whoa, whoa, whoa,

15:39it's magic,

15:40you know.

15:43Never believe it's not so.

15:46Do you remember that song?

15:47No.

15:49Anyway,

15:50it's great PR for the pub,

15:51and the best thing of all

15:52is it's all for charity.

15:54Yeah, but it's evil,

15:55it's magic,

15:55it talks to me,

15:56it wants to hurt me,

15:57it does,

15:57it does.

15:58Gov,

16:01I wonder if you shouldn't

16:02take tomorrow off,

16:04have a bit of a lie-in.

16:05I can look after

16:06the old Rub-a-Dub-Dub.

16:07The what?

16:08The pub.

16:08I can look after the pub.

16:09Why didn't you just say that, then?

16:12Listen,

16:13are you two going to be long?

16:16I've really got to curl one out.

16:22Big Gora,

16:24top of the morning to you.

16:25Keep those Irish eyes a smudge.

16:27Will you please form an orderly queue?

16:30You're not going to get there

16:30any quicker by pushing.

16:32Here are your dreams come true.

16:35Oi, hurry up.

16:36I'm busting.

16:38Terry,

16:39am I right in thinking

16:40that you've been using

16:41the well as a urinal?

16:43No.

16:44No?

16:45Listen to the question.

16:47Think about what the words mean.

16:49Have you been using

16:50the well as a urinal?

16:52Yes!

16:53Oh, Terry.

16:53Won't it just be quicker

16:54to use the loo?

16:55It's miles away.

16:56Oi!

16:57Hurry up!

17:00Oi!

17:01That's in my way,

17:01you bloody freaks and cripples.

17:07All right, Connie,

17:07my little darling,

17:08I've been thinking about you.

17:10Giza was selling these

17:10in my boozer.

17:11I bought the whole lot,

17:12including the bucket.

17:15Bucket?

17:15How very romantic.

17:17But it's a shame,

17:18you see,

17:18because I received

17:19a dozen buckets

17:19last Valentine's Day.

17:21I don't know

17:21if I can use this one.

17:22I can.

17:23Give it to me.

17:24It's starting to dribble.

17:28Anyway,

17:28I'm with Martin now

17:29and he knows

17:30how to treat a woman.

17:31He recites poetry to her

17:33and then goes down

17:33on her for six hours.

17:36I want it here

17:36for the crack.

17:37Now that

17:41is filth,

17:42but poetry I can do.

17:46I don't know

17:46how I could have lived

17:47before we met.

17:49You're the breath

17:49in my lungs,

17:50my heartbeat,

17:51and yet

17:51a moment without you

17:53is like an eternity

17:54in hell.

17:55I cannot forget

17:55your face,

17:56your smile,

17:57your smell.

17:59Our love is a flame

17:59that will burn forever

18:00and I will not

18:02be complete

18:02until we're together.

18:04Plus,

18:04I'm packing enough

18:05to fill Bigfoot's sock.

18:08I'm implying

18:09I've got a massive cock.

18:13Kaboosh.

18:18Oh, hey!

18:19Mind the air?

18:21You don't want

18:22to mess with me, mate.

18:22I can make life

18:23very difficult for you.

18:24Oh, yeah?

18:24You and whose army?

18:26Me and the Irish

18:26Republican army.

18:28Right.

18:29Well, anyway,

18:29luckily for you,

18:31I've got to get back

18:31up to Queen of Hearts.

18:32Is that where you live?

18:33We're good at pubs.

18:34No, I meant

18:35the Laughing Cavalier.

18:38Later.

18:42Martin,

18:43this wishing well

18:44is a massive hit.

18:45It's...

18:46It's boom-bastic.

18:48I just wondered,

18:49do you have

18:50any other ideas

18:51for the pub?

18:54How about

18:55grab a granny night

18:56because it's about

18:57the only chance

18:57you've got of pulling.

18:59Well, I was wondering,

19:03have you ever wondered

19:03how far away

19:04you are from Galway?

19:05Yes, I have.

19:08Oh, pub!

19:09What have I done

19:10to my pub?

19:11No!

19:12No!

19:42I'm doing the river dance.

19:52Do you remember that show?

19:54No!

20:02No!

20:04No!

20:05No!

20:09Let me shower, you.

20:11Which me, leprechaun gold.

20:16Wanker, wanker, wanker, wanker, wanker, wanker, wanker.

20:24Nice to stay up!

20:26No!

20:36Ah!

20:37Ah!

20:38Ah!

20:40Oh!

20:41Ah!

20:42Thank God.

20:43It was just a dream.

20:44Or was it?

20:45Ah!

20:46Ah!

20:48Ah!

20:50Ah!

20:51Ah!

20:52Ah!

20:53Ah!

20:54Ah!

20:55Ah!

20:56Ah!

20:57Ah!

20:58Ah!

20:59Ah!

21:00Ah!

21:01Ah!

21:02Ah!

21:04Ah!

21:05Ah!

21:06down here so quick. Oh, you're good, Leprechaun. Very good. I'll do it. Whatever you want.

21:11The full Irish. Looks like I'll be here for some time. Oh, Gizzy. But all I ask in return

21:15is one wish. If you promise to me be good and true, then one Irish wish I'll give to

21:20you. All right. I wish you will do the opposite of everything I say. But if we do the opposite

21:25of everything you say, then I must do what you say. But if I do what you say, then I

21:29am not doing the opposite, and so I must do what you say.

21:36Oh, my God. His penis has burnt away to nothing. To be honest, it was like that before.

21:59Shut up, old man. Jordan and his men must have wired this wrong or something. Criminal. The

22:05lawsuit on burning a man's wink he doesn't bear thinking about.

22:09Shut up, man. Right, lads, we'd better get off. I've got that other job to get to, remember?

22:14What? You're leaving?

22:16I'm sorry, Connie, love. I have to. I'm a decorator. Whenever there's walls I need papering and

22:21tiles I need grouting, my job will never be over.

22:24Oh, I'll always have the car park.

22:27Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Justice! Ha, ha, ha. Can I take him home, Guff? And mouth some

22:36bath? All right, then.

22:39Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. No!

22:43Right, better find a nice new home for all this lovely money. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, yeah. Terry.

22:49Hmm. Crosby! I've got a little job for you, son. Fantastic.

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Time Gentlemen Please - 204 [couchtripper][U]

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