Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Academy, Academy, you're teaching me to ma-
00:25Oi, Terry!
00:26Do not eat those!
00:28Those luxury sausage rolls are with the consumption of landlords only.
00:31Right, I won't do it again.
00:32Excuse me, guest prince.
00:35My roll!
00:37My beautiful roll!
00:39Come back, where are you going?
00:41Superhuman strength!
00:42That's number 21 in the 100 ways to spot an alien.
00:45She's not an alien, Steve.
00:46She's an Austro-alien.
00:54It's worse, if anything.
00:55No, she can do that because she's been bred for bar work.
00:58It's e-instinct.
00:59It's e-instinct!
01:00E-instinct!
01:06You dick!
01:08Number 12.
01:08Aliens constantly emit a toxic sulphurous gas.
01:12Terry is an alien.
01:13Then so is every bloke I've ever met.
01:16What's that you're reading, Crosby?
01:18But that's impossible.
01:19The UK's premier magazine about the paranormal.
01:21I don't know why you're so interested in the paranormal, son.
01:24It's not normal!
01:26That's what I like about it.
01:28Look at it.
01:29Look, it's nonsense, isn't it?
01:30It's hocus-pocus, flim-flam, bunk.
01:32Ooh, look.
01:33It says here that aliens are amongst us.
01:36Yeah, inhabiting the bodies of our friends and neighbours.
01:38Sexy aliens can inhabit my body any time,
01:41and I don't mind where they insert their probes.
01:45Stop it.
01:46Please, stop it.
01:48Your magazine is pure fantasy, Stephen Crosby.
01:52Everybody knows that alien first contact
01:55does not occur until the 7th of April, 2063,
01:58when the Vulcans detect Zephram...
02:00I'll grow up!
02:04According to that,
02:05one in eight people in the world today is an alien,
02:08which means one person in this pub is from another planet.
02:24Only one?
02:25And I intend to find out which one of you it is.
02:29Steve, get back to work.
02:30And Terry, stop eating them sausage rolls!
02:32Fine.
02:34When Greg Thompson gets here,
02:36I want him to be faced with a mountain of more sausage rolls
02:38than anyone could ever imagine.
02:40More than eight sausage rolls?
02:43Amazing!
02:44This has got to be a success, this reunion.
02:47Greg Thompson said I shouldn't be allowed to host it.
02:48Said it'll be a washout.
02:49Says my pub's a shithole.
02:51And look, he's right.
02:53I mean, look at the state of this glass.
02:55I've never seen a filthier ring.
03:00That reminds me of my last boyfriend.
03:04In what respect?
03:06I've no idea.
03:06She just seems to be saying that randomly now,
03:08as far as I can tell.
03:10Please, we have to make this the best reunion ever.
03:12Please, I need this.
03:14OK, come on.
03:15Let's do it.
03:16Oh!
03:18Oh, sorry.
03:21Oh, wow.
03:22Who's the soccer job, bully head?
03:24Gov.
03:25Oh, that's only Martin Greer.
03:26He was captain of the football team.
03:28Oh, the finest landlord the academy ever produced.
03:31He was amazing.
03:31He could do the Summers for a round in his head.
03:34Instantly, just like that.
03:35Yeah?
03:35He knew when to call time without looking at the clock.
03:38He could strip and reassemble an optic in under 20 seconds.
03:42Blindfold.
03:42Amazing.
03:44How I adored him.
03:46I mean, admired him.
03:48We all did.
03:49He was my best mate.
03:50Never confused.
03:54Well, if a spunk rat like that's coming,
03:56maybe tonight won't be such a nightmare after all.
03:58You keep your hands off him.
03:59I mean, I mean.
04:03I'm sure he won't be coming.
04:04He went to America in 85 to set up a super pub.
04:07Made a million.
04:08Anyway, if he hadn't, I'm sure he wouldn't be coming tonight.
04:11Have faith, Gov.
04:12Make the sausage rolls and he will come.
04:16No, I haven't given it a moment's thought.
04:18I really haven't.
04:20I'm sure he wouldn't come.
04:21Have you ever destroyed a major city
04:23using your superior alien technology?
04:26Not really.
04:28One night, I was driving home
04:30and I took this shortcut across a field
04:32and destroyed most of the campsite.
04:35Those poor brownies.
04:39I'll put you down as a maybe.
04:41It's nearly eight.
04:42Where is everybody?
04:43Cheers!
04:44Oh, thank God, Barry, Mike, Dave, cheers!
04:47Let's hear it for the beer.
04:49Cheers!
04:50All hail to the ale.
04:51Cheers!
04:52And welcome the wine.
04:53For the ladies.
04:55So sorry we're so late, Gov,
04:57but Mike got his head stuck in an ice bucket, the Swan.
05:01Showing off to impress Dave.
05:02Oh, look at those sausage rolls.
05:07What a lovely spread.
05:09Oh, thanks, Uncle Barry.
05:11Where's everyone else?
05:12Oh, they'll be on their way, I'm sure.
05:15Well, I hope so.
05:16But don't get in a flap, you're doing fine.
05:18So, Barry, I didn't know you were in Bullet Heads' year at the Academy.
05:23Oh, no, I'm a bit older than him.
05:26I was the year above.
05:27Ah!
05:30Get a grip, Barry.
05:31Don't go back to your old ways.
05:32No, I used to do a bit of teaching back then.
05:37Fight dynamics.
05:38That's right.
05:38Barry was master of leave-it-he's-not-worth-it strategies.
05:41Well, the pupil became the master when I taught Martin Greer.
05:45Oh, he was brilliant, wasn't he, Barry?
05:46You won't be disappointed if he doesn't show up?
05:49No, he's not coming.
05:50I'm sure of it.
05:52I'm allergic to sausage rolls, Dave.
05:53Shut up and eat them, Mike.
05:54He needs this.
05:56Look at Dave and Mike.
05:58There's something not quite right about them.
06:00They're a bit peculiar.
06:02They might be aliens.
06:04They just look like a couple of weirdos to me.
06:07We'll soon see.
06:09According to this, water is deadly to aliens.
06:14Watch out, Mike!
06:16Dave, you pretty!
06:22Don't worry.
06:23Now I'm done.
06:24It could happen to anyone.
06:25I'm sorry, Barry.
06:27At least it proves you're not an alien.
06:29Well, that's a relief.
06:31Well, don't worry, Gov.
06:33They'll turn up soon.
06:43Now that's sausage roll, Mike.
06:47Can I have one, Gov?
06:48No, they're for landlords only.
06:50But there's loads left, look!
06:53I know.
06:54Tonight's been a total disaster.
06:56Oh, come on, Gov.
06:57It's not over till it's over.
07:00Martin?
07:01Oi, oi, slops.
07:03Oh, look how wrong I was.
07:05It looks like your academy reunion was a complete success.
07:07Rick Thompson won unexpected pleasure.
07:11I didn't think you'd be coming.
07:13Er, sausage roll.
07:16No, I'm not stopping.
07:17I've just come to invite you gentlemen to the unofficial reunion I've organised over the Queen of Arts.
07:21You'll find all the other landlords there.
07:23What?
07:24Even Martin Greer?
07:25Don't be stupid, slops.
07:26A geezer lives in a mansion in Beverly Hills.
07:28Mind you, for years you've laid on sausage rolls.
07:30Who knows, eh?
07:31Oh, I'm a little from arse fray.
07:35You fancy a roll with my sausage?
07:37It's a long and bendy one.
07:40I'm implying I've got a massive cock.
07:46You think the sun sets when you sit down, don't you?
07:49Yeah, nice one.
07:50Do you even understand what that means?
07:52No.
07:54Anyway, Martin might come.
07:56He was Bullethead's best mate.
07:57Shut up about that.
07:59Best mate?
07:59I don't think so.
08:00Remember that time he got so fed up of you following him round that he stripped you naked,
08:05shaved all your hair off,
08:06and rubbed deep heat all up your aris?
08:11It was done with affection!
08:13Yeah.
08:14Of course it was.
08:15Anyway, fellas, you coming up the Queen of Arts?
08:17I've laid on Tex-Mex.
08:18Ooh!
08:19Tex-Mex?
08:20Tex-Mex is foreign, isn't it?
08:22Burritos and for Cheetos and Nanitos and Pappitos and Fafitos and Cacati-Cacati-Citos and...
08:28and beans.
08:30It's been disgusting!
08:31What is wrong with discarded pig parts and entrails wrapped up in a beautiful parcel of British pastry, eh?
08:37It's proper pub food, isn't it?
08:39Mmm!
08:39No one likes Tex-Mex!
08:42No one!
08:43I do!
08:45Hey, oh, Greg, I'll come.
08:47Oh, good man.
08:48Hold on a minute.
08:50What pub are you the governor of then?
08:51Oh, I love you.
08:53Queen of Arts!
08:54Damn it!
08:55You, you master of disguise!
08:58You're bad!
09:01Anyone else?
09:01Thanks, but no thanks, Greg.
09:04I think we'll stay here until Martin turns up.
09:07Then time will tell whose reunion is the best, you jumped-up fucker.
09:11You what?
09:18Nothing!
09:20Listen to me, pups.
09:22Martin Greer was my best mate, and if he ain't come to my reunion, he ain't gonna come to Slopsies.
09:27Er, excuse me, is this the, er, Academy Reunion?
09:30Yeah, it is.
09:32Oh, hey, how lovely to see you all again, after all these years.
09:36So much water under so many bridges.
09:38Oh, hey, look, er, Mike and Dave, er, the gruesome twosome.
09:42Hey, and, and Barry, my old pint mechanics teacher.
09:46Fight dynamics.
09:47That's right.
09:48Hey, you've still got your lovely head of jet black hair.
09:52Oh, hey, and Greg Thompson.
09:54How do, Greg?
09:55Oh, but look at you.
09:57You've put on a bit of weight, eh?
09:58Hey, watch it, pal.
09:59Oh, and your voice is broken at last.
10:01Hey.
10:03But it's you nonetheless.
10:05I'm sorry, Squire.
10:06Who are you?
10:07Er, me?
10:07I'm, er, I'm, er, I'm, er...
10:09Who is it?
10:10Don't you recognise Martin Greer?
10:13There's the spank in the photo.
10:16Yeah, that's who I am.
10:17I'm, I'm Martin Greer, I am.
10:18What, in the name of a penguin's pedendum are you talking about?
10:23This ain't Martin Greer.
10:24Of course it is.
10:25No, it ain't.
10:27Don't do nothing like him.
10:28Hey, now, the years have not been kind to me, Greg, but if I were not Martin Greer, how come
10:33I know we used to bunk off during snack management and go to changing rooms, strip all us clothes
10:38off and flick each other with towels?
10:41Oi, that was a childish game.
10:43I was never confused.
10:44And I seem to remember I used to call you Acorn.
10:54No, it was cold.
10:56Look at his face.
10:57It's a picture.
10:58Oi, I've got a massive cock.
11:01Oi.
11:02I ain't standing for this.
11:06Oh, fuck me, buddy.
11:08Ah.
11:12Hey, Martin Greer, and you came to my reunion in your face, Thompson.
11:19Justice.
11:20Oh, hey, sausage roll's me favourite.
11:23Bastard.
11:26Martin Greer.
11:32Oh, I'm so glad you could stay, Martin.
11:34I'm just sorry there isn't a spare pair.
11:35Oh, it's all right.
11:36It's more than I deserve.
11:38And if you want, you can get into my pyjamas.
11:40I mean, wear them, obviously.
11:42When you've got the one pair, you know.
11:43Oh, no, no, no.
11:44Look, your wife's old night is fine by me.
11:49Go.
11:51Martin?
11:52I'd like to apologise for the way I treated you back then.
11:55You know, what I did with that deep heat, it was a crime against God and nature.
11:59I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
12:02Of course I care, Martin.
12:03Anything you say.
12:05Quite a little empire you've got here.
12:06Oh, oh, yeah, but it's nothing on your American super pub.
12:09Oh, super pub.
12:10The whole thing went belly up, you know.
12:12I lost the lot.
12:13You see, the Americans seem to think that getting drunk is something to be ashamed of.
12:16Ah, bloody septics, I hate them.
12:18I mean, they banned drinking, didn't they?
12:20They don't deserve booze.
12:22Oh, no, I quite like the Americans.
12:24Oh, I quite agree.
12:25They're lovely people.
12:27Even if I say, Martin.
12:30Mind you, the long and the short of it is, I don't really know what I'm going to do.
12:34Well, you could stay.
12:36Oh, no, I wouldn't dream of it.
12:38No, no, no, you'd be most welcome.
12:41Well, let's sleep on it, shall we?
12:43Hmm.
12:46Night, night, Gough.
12:48Night, Martin.
12:48Never confused.
13:06Never confused.
13:07Never.
13:09Confused.
13:10Confused.
13:11Oh, I've forgotten my shorts.
13:19And so have you.
13:22Morning, Bage.
13:24Gee.
13:26Oh, no, no, no, no, it's not what it looks like.
13:30There's nothing funny about two men sharing a bed together.
13:33No, no, not when one of those men is wearing the other man's wife's nightclothes.
13:38No, it's completely normal.
13:41I'm being sarcastic.
13:44Look, I don't care whatever ditches you do.
13:48Look, you won't tell anyone about this, will you, girl?
13:50No, I can, Farrah's.
13:51My lips are sealed.
13:53Hey, there's a first time for everything.
13:54And bullet heads up there in bed with him.
14:02And Martin's wearing a woman's nightie.
14:05A mouth's a mouth.
14:08I knew it.
14:09He's definitely one of them.
14:11Do you think so?
14:13Oh, yeah.
14:14Number 36.
14:16Aliens often dress in inappropriate clothes.
14:19Oh, an alien.
14:21I see.
14:22I'm not an alien.
14:23Oh, look, I hate to say it, but I think tickets might be right.
14:27I mean, in the photo, Martin's a stud muffin.
14:29This guy's a no chance of a muffin.
14:31I know something about the artist guys.
14:34And though this Martin looks the piece, something don't quite add up.
14:38So who is he?
14:40Maybe he's a cereals killer.
14:42He could be the notorious train station flusher.
14:47Oh, I do not think so.
14:49Maybe, just maybe, he's an alien.
14:56Will you shut up, gerbil genitals?
14:59Who knows or cares who the man is?
15:01Ask yourself this.
15:03What would Jesus do?
15:06He'd take the stranger in and give him a home.
15:09Oh, yeah, it'll be all right for Jesus.
15:11He gets murdered in bed on Friday.
15:14He's right as rain come Sunday.
15:17You should judge a tree by its fruit.
15:20And whoever this chap really is,
15:22he's already made the governor happier than I've ever seen him.
15:26And for that, we should be truly thankful.
15:29Yeah, you're right, Pops.
15:31Bullethead deserves a break.
15:33Look, we've got to do all we can to make sure Martin doesn't leave.
15:36Agreed?
15:37Agreed?
15:38No, he's an alien.
15:40Shut up!
15:41The truth is out there.
15:43That's why I'm staying in here.
15:46Morning, all.
15:47Beautiful day, innit?
15:48Uh, Garth, we've been thinking.
15:50Why don't you get Martin to co-manage this place with you?
15:53I mean, with his brains and your...
15:55your pub.
15:56You can turn this place around.
15:59Oh, no, no, Martin wouldn't be interested in anything like that.
16:01Do you know, there's nothing I would rather do.
16:04Oh, really?
16:05Oh, this is like all my Christmases all at once.
16:07But, like, you know, really good.
16:09Hey, I'll tell you what.
16:11To celebrate, I'll get around him.
16:13Oh, cheers, Martin.
16:15Fantastic.
16:15Here, Martin, as a treat, I'll let you pour him.
16:19Oh.
16:19Oh, no, this is going to be something, ladies and gentlemen.
16:21The greatest bartender ever.
16:23Right, um, uh, prof.
16:27Malt whiskey, please.
16:29Right, um.
16:30What is that?
16:31It is the brown one.
16:35A pint of Thackeray's.
16:38Um.
16:42Oh, look!
16:44A canoe!
16:45Where?
16:46In the loo!
16:47Oh.
16:48You're not allowed in there, Spike.
16:49Get out.
16:50Come on.
16:53There was no canoe in there.
16:56Sorry, Gav, my mistake.
16:57It was the pool table.
16:59That it is.
17:00Yeah, and another pint of the terry, I think.
17:02Um, Miss Arbonce, why don't you go and phone Miss Jackson and tell her the news?
17:07I'm sure it will cheer her up.
17:08Oh, that's a great idea.
17:10Might make her impending death seem less depressing.
17:12Oh, hey.
17:16Thanks, you lot.
17:18That's all right, Martin.
17:21Hey, look.
17:22No, I'm not in.
17:23Oh, yes, you are.
17:25We all believe you're Martin, Greer.
17:27And you always will be.
17:29As long as you continue to make the governor happy.
17:32Oh, hey.
17:33I think the world of that man, you know, I wouldn't do anything to hurt him.
17:36I couldn't have my hair on his head.
17:38I'm not going to let you get away with this.
17:40I'm on to you, Martian Greer.
17:48Read the forms carefully, Gavnor.
17:50Oh, no, I'm sure they're fine.
17:52They look lovely, Vicky.
17:53After all, I trust you.
17:54We are best of friends.
17:57I'll be there for you.
17:58Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
18:01Do you watch that programme?
18:02No.
18:04No, it's not a patch on Ali McBean.
18:08Ah, Martin Greer, I presume.
18:10Yes, that's right, I'm Martin Greer.
18:12Hello.
18:13Hello.
18:14I can't tell you how excited I am about all this, Gavnor.
18:18This pub co-owned by the Academy's finest ever landlord.
18:21By two of the Academy's finest ever landlords.
18:24Oh, no, the gov will be in charge,
18:26but every Caesar must have his Brutus.
18:29Brutus stabbed Caesar in the back.
18:31I don't know.
18:32All the nice things he did for me, that's all folk remember.
18:38Smashing.
18:38Well, if anybody's got any objections, speak now or forever hold thy peace.
18:42I've got an objection.
18:43Martin is an alien.
18:46And beneath his alien skin, beneath his alien skin.
18:53Alien skin has come a long way since me.
18:56That's enough.
18:57You, bruh, you're the alien.
19:01In space, no-one can hear you scream.
19:05Any serious objections?
19:07No.
19:08No, no, no, we ain't.
19:10Yeah, I have.
19:11This ain't Martin Greer.
19:13Of course it is.
19:14To get straight.
19:15That's right.
19:16That's Martin, all right.
19:17No, it ain't.
19:19This the real Martin Greer?
19:22Slops.
19:23You shitting idiot.
19:25Always were, always will be.
19:27How in the name of a tiger's tit were you taking him by this tough and the opening imposter?
19:31He looks nothing like me.
19:33My God, they're identical.
19:35Who put that mirror there?
19:39That's the real one.
19:41Definitely.
19:42Well, I just happen to have here a newspaper clip in that says the real Martin Greer lost
19:47his leg in a car crash four years ago.
19:51Oh, hey, look, me leg, it's grew back.
19:53It's a miracle.
19:56Don't be ridiculous, Mr. Greer.
19:58There's no way a leg could possibly grow back like that.
20:00Well, that is not strictly speaking true, because many species of spiders are able
20:04to grow back lost limbs.
20:06That's right, probably.
20:07Yes.
20:07Well, Mr. Greer, are you a spider?
20:11Yes.
20:13No, listen to the question.
20:15The words in it.
20:16Are you a spider?
20:18Oh, no, sorry, I misheard you.
20:20No, you're Martin Greer, my childhood hero.
20:22You are him.
20:23You have to be.
20:24No, I'm sorry, Gov.
20:26I'm not in.
20:27I'm not Martin Greer.
20:27But then who are you?
20:28Oh, my name's Arnold Ponsett.
20:32I'm a paperclip salesman from Runcorn.
20:34You knew all about the academy, about, about landlording a, about me.
20:39Well, you see, I met Martin Greer on a train last month.
20:43He was back in the country looking to expand his super pub empire.
20:47During the nine-hour journey from London to Nottingham,
20:49he told me everything about the academy and the reunion and you.
20:53And then he popped to the loo.
20:55I don't know why I did it.
20:57I suppose the exciting tales of the landlord in trade made my paperclip job seem dull and humdrum.
21:04I couldn't help myself.
21:06I hadn't meant to deceive anybody, but you mistook me for Martin Greer
21:09and you showed me such a noble friendship and by then it were too late.
21:13Oh, Martin.
21:15Arnold.
21:15But even though I'm not the real Martin Greer, I could stay and help run the pub.
21:20I'm sorry.
21:21Brewery policy is that no-one guilty of fraud can work for us.
21:24My hands are tied.
21:26Oh, yeah.
21:26I'm speaking figuratively.
21:30I'm better.
21:32Still, hey, it's better to live one day as a lion than your life as a paperclip salesman.
21:36I miss you, Gump.
21:37Piss off, loser.
21:39Don't forget that other thing, Martin.
21:41Eh?
21:41Oh, yeah, yeah.
21:42I'd just like to say that from what I remember, Greg had a massive cock.
21:48All right.
21:49So, Martin, still playing football then, eh?
21:53Of course I'm not playing shitting football, you tit.
21:55Oh, sorry.
21:58Well, how about you stop for a drink, eh, mate?
22:00We've got a lot of catching up to do, haven't we, eh?
22:03You must be joking.
22:05I spent my entire teenage years avoiding you.
22:08I ate you with every fibre of my being.
22:11Come on, Greg.
22:12Let's stick this tigger up his rectum.
22:14No, Martin, don't do that.
22:16Ah!
22:25Oh, I don't know.
22:30First, my old man.
22:32God rest his soul.
22:33Then my boy.
22:34Now Martin.
22:36Why is it everyone I ever care about leaves me?
22:39We're here for you, Guff.
22:41Yeah, and everyone I couldn't give a toss about hangs around like a bad smell.
22:44Well, it's life, biatch.
22:48It's a fucking shocker, all right.
22:50Did I miss anything?
22:51Huh, nothing much.
22:56Oh, I wonder where he is now, eh?
22:59Oh, hello, postie.
23:01Are you looking at my face?
23:02No.
23:03I can't go to the Postman's Academy reunion with this bloody bean-shaped face, can I?