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00:00Come on, Crosby, clear up them empties.
00:26Morning, now.
00:28Oh, damn it.
00:29And he's still alive.
00:34Good morning, Pops.
00:35Are you all right?
00:36When I'm a little bit short, I don't suppose I could have one on tick, could I, Gough?
00:41Sorry, Pops.
00:42Please do not ask for credit.
00:44There's a smack in the mouth off the fence.
00:47I'll get it, I'll get it.
00:48I don't suppose one of you two would shout me off, would you?
00:52Well, I'd like to, but I don't want to.
00:55Well, that rather depends what you're willing to do for me.
01:00Oh, be your best mate.
01:02That is insufficient.
01:04Go on, Grandad.
01:04That one's coming through.
01:06Oh, no offence.
01:08This ploughman's soup is blinding, Gough.
01:14Thanks, Terry.
01:16Can you give me the recipe?
01:18Of course I can.
01:19Just take your ordinary ploughman's lunch.
01:22Cheese!
01:22Yeah, cheddar mine.
01:23None of that brie.
01:24Hmm?
01:24Sliced white bread.
01:26Mighty white.
01:27Never!
01:28Never!
01:28French stick.
01:30Add sundries garnish and pickled onion.
01:33Yeah, pickled mine.
01:34Not worn as a giant onion necklace around the neck.
01:37Hmm?
01:38They're right to something.
01:39Brown mustard.
01:41Then, simply pop it all in the blender.
01:46Add any available liquid that might come to hand.
01:49Oh, bugger.
01:51Eh, voila.
02:00Oi!
02:01Crosby!
02:02No French!
02:03I will not have that shitting filth in my gang.
02:07Sorry.
02:08And there you go.
02:13It's a perfect meal for an alcoholic.
02:15Janet, please, how many times we do not use the A word in here?
02:18We prefer the term, those for whom simply being alive is cause enough for celebration.
02:24Yeah.
02:25I'll drink to that.
02:35Oh, thanks, girl.
02:36Oi!
02:37No, you don't.
02:38That is going in the sink.
02:40Oh, this humanity.
02:41You're trying to ruin me.
02:43Drinks are paying customers only.
02:44That's coming out of your wages, Janet.
02:46What wages?
02:46You never paid me, you depilated dingo.
02:49Come on.
02:50Give the old bloke a drink.
02:52All his years as a loyal customer.
02:54Sorry.
02:54Rules is rules.
02:55No one gets free drinks in here.
02:57Oh, no.
02:58Apart from you, of course.
03:00What I meant to say is no one, no one under seven foot gets free drinks.
03:04What I meant to say is people over seven foot and under four foot ten get free drinks.
03:11Free crisps.
03:12Yes, free crisps.
03:13Free crisps.
03:14Ongawa.
03:15Ongawa.
03:19All right, governor.
03:21My name is Miltos.
03:23I am a Greek dwarf.
03:25I come to climb my Frederick.
03:28Arseholes.
03:29Terry, is that you?
03:37No.
03:38Damn it.
03:38Oh, you master of disguise, you.
03:42Sorry, Gav.
03:44Please give me a drink.
03:45Have some Christian charity.
03:48What would Jesus do?
03:49He'd have brought in water and brewed his own.
03:52And it's because of people like Jesus that I have to charge for tap water.
03:56Oh, go on.
03:57This is not a soup kitchen for dossers.
04:00The rule is, pint on the go.
04:02If you can't afford a drink, I can't afford the space.
04:04All right, get out.
04:10Terry.
04:16Prof.
04:16Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they doeth.
04:24Oh, I do.
04:25I know it's exactly what I doeth, Father.
04:27Oh, and any time you like with that carvery.
04:29All right.
04:31I'm telling you that your hot nuts machine produces only tepid nuts.
04:35I want a hot hot nuts machine or we won't be using your ruddy firm again.
04:40Can we get a hot nuts machine, Gav?
04:42No.
04:43Hello.
04:44Hello.
04:47I do that.
04:48Come on in a bit.
04:49You make yourself comfortable.
04:50Have a seat.
04:50Move it, Terry.
04:51No, no, I'm fine.
04:52It's all right.
04:53Go on, Rittie.
04:54No, thanks.
04:54Come on, Jack.
04:55See, you've sat on a lot worse.
05:00Sorry, I'll have to take this.
05:01Just try to be nice to her, Janet.
05:03She's got less than six months to live.
05:04Yeah, right.
05:05And I can play the didgeridoo with me bumhole.
05:07Me, too.
05:12I can't do it, please.
05:18Now, that woman is a lot of things, but she isn't dying.
05:21Yes, she is.
05:22And even though she's never put a pint in her life,
05:24we're going to do all we can to make that poor little lamb happy.
05:27So sorry.
05:28Oh, don't you worry your pretty lid about that, Vicky.
05:30I'm so glad we're getting on at last.
05:33It's most excellent.
05:34Oh, it's super.
05:38You've been so kind to me these last few weeks.
05:40I wanted to thank you for having me round for Christmas lunch.
05:44And I felt a bit guilty about that Martin business.
05:47So I've managed to wangle you something rather special.
05:51Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
05:53Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
05:57Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
06:00Sorry.
06:02You can come in now.
06:05Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
06:08It's a spanking new jukebox.
06:10That's very kind of you, Vicky,
06:12but I think you'll find there's nothing wrong with the jukebox we've already got.
06:15Yeah.
06:16Except if it don't work.
06:17Of course it works.
06:20Oh, um...
06:21Aha!
06:22I managed to scrounge a pound by pretending to be a tramp.
06:28In your face, Governor.
06:30Oh, thanks, pups.
06:32Buggeration!
06:39See, it's fine.
06:42Yes, but this new jukebox is Boston.
06:45It's got over 1,000 CDs on it.
06:47CDs?
06:48We do not want CDs in here.
06:50They've already had our 78s.
06:51Back off, Brussels!
06:54There's a choice of over 12,000 tracks on here.
06:57I think you're fine.
06:58We've got all the records we need on our jukebox, Vicky.
07:00Got Queen Greatest Hits, Volume 1,
07:03and Queen Greatest Hits, Volume 2,
07:07Innuendo by Queen.
07:09Queen Live Killers.
07:11That's a Queen album.
07:12So, uh, you like Queen, do you, bullethead?
07:16Yeah, of course I do.
07:17Great British band.
07:18You, uh, do know that Freddie Mercury was gay, don't you?
07:21What?
07:24No, he wasn't!
07:25Freddie Mercury was normal with a capital N.
07:28What could be more manly and normal than that big bushy moustache?
07:33Why do you think he called his band Queen?
07:35Because he was patriotic, it's obvious.
07:36And it's fat-bottomed girls, isn't it, love?
07:40Not fat-bottomed blokes.
07:42It's kind of magic, but I can't read...
07:45Oh, that's by Queen.
07:46You see, it's a fine selection.
07:48Provided you like Queen.
07:50And who doesn't?
07:51They're kicking.
07:52But this new jukebox has got all the Queen records and much, much more.
07:56It's got rock and pop and punk rock,
07:59Sid Snot, Gob on You.
08:00Um, jazz?
08:06Eh?
08:07There's jazz.
08:08Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
08:09Would you not have jazz music in this pub?
08:11Never have?
08:12Never will.
08:14They're making up as they go along.
08:16Where's the skill in that, eh?
08:17Why can't these bastards rehearse?
08:20And you can say what you like about Freddie Mercury.
08:22He was gay.
08:23No, he wasn't!
08:24You can't say that!
08:27You can say what you like about Freddie Mercury,
08:28but at least he learned the bloody words.
08:30No-one likes jazz.
08:32No-one.
08:32Well, I do.
08:33No, you don't.
08:34I do.
08:35I like jazz.
08:35It's smoking.
08:36No, you don't.
08:37No-one likes it.
08:38I really do.
08:39No, you're pretending to like it, aren't you?
08:41No, really.
08:42I like jazz.
08:43Well, then get out!
08:44We do not have jazz lovers in this pub.
08:46Don't be silly.
08:47No, you're the sort of person who likes subtitled films, aren't you, love?
08:50Yes, I'm...
08:51Yeah, what's the point, eh?
08:52There's no car chases or explosions.
08:54It's just a bunch of French blokes talking to each other, eh?
08:56Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
08:59Oh, les noirs, mon coeur, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:02Les extants, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:04Along the bottom, cup of tea, like that.
09:06You're not normal.
09:09Look, I just thought you might like a du...
09:11You're a person who thinks poetry doesn't have to rhyme, aren't you?
09:13Not always.
09:14No, I bet you spell thanks with an X.
09:17Sometimes in informal cards and whatnot.
09:19Yeah, well, I've got your number.
09:21You're some sort of liberal, aren't you, love?
09:23Actually, I voted for Tony Blair's last time round.
09:26Yeah, well, same difference.
09:27And you liberals are trouble, aren't you?
09:29You're trouble, hmm?
09:30Because you've got no follow-through.
09:31Oh, you have the ideas, don't you?
09:32You have the ideas, but you never see them through
09:34to their logical conclusion, do you?
09:35A liberal like you would say that unemployment causes crime.
09:39You'd say that, wouldn't you, love?
09:40Yes.
09:40Well, come on, then, say it!
09:41And it's like a book is crime!
09:43Yes, but will you lock up the unemployed?
09:45No, you fucking won't.
09:47You see?
09:48No follow-through.
09:49You have never called a pint in your life!
09:58Ah, let's be nice to her.
10:01She's only got six months to live.
10:02Let's make that poor little lamb really happy.
10:06I'm sorry.
10:07It was the jazz.
10:08No-one likes it.
10:11Someone better go and see if she's all right.
10:13Me!
10:13Me!
10:14No, no, Terry!
10:15You are not going in the ladies, not in this gap.
10:17Never confused.
10:18Janet, off you go.
10:20Oh, lucky me.
10:23I'm being sarcastic.
10:24You all right, Jaxie?
10:32I do like jazz.
10:33I really do.
10:35Yeah, yeah.
10:35Look, I know what this is really about, you know.
10:38I don't know what you mean.
10:39You've been potted.
10:41Sorry?
10:42You've got a jambuck in your tucker bag.
10:44What is it?
10:45You've got a kidney kicker, haven't you?
10:47I don't know.
10:48I don't understand.
10:49Well, jeez, girl, you're pregnant, aren't you?
10:51Oh, don't be ridiculous.
10:52You're starting to show.
10:53Admit it.
10:54I'm not.
10:55Ow!
10:56Admit it!
10:56Ow!
10:57Admit it!
10:58Why?
10:59Why?
10:59Why?
10:59I'm pregnant!
11:00Yeah, I could.
11:01So, who's the father?
11:03I don't know!
11:10Oh, there, there.
11:12You're going to be all right.
11:14Slag.
11:18No one likes jazz.
11:20No one!
11:21Oh, plenty of people say they do, but no one actually likes it.
11:23Not even the blokes playing it.
11:24Look, they're in agony, aren't they?
11:29It's your turn, your turn!
11:30No, I've already played all the notes on this bloody thing.
11:33Oh, can't we stop?
11:35No!
11:35We didn't bother rehearsing an ending.
11:37Oh, I wish I was in Queen.
11:40Please, Gov.
11:42No.
11:43You've got a tune on.
11:44No!
11:44Please!
11:44Come on!
11:45No!
11:45Please!
11:46No!
11:46You're not playing that jazz-filled jukebox in here.
11:49All right, you bastards.
11:51I've got some money.
11:52Give me a bloody drink.
11:55This is almost three quid, Gov.
11:56Almost.
11:57Oh, well, then.
11:58Poor Mr. Rockefeller here is pine.
12:00Where'd you get the cash from, Pops?
12:02Down the hospital.
12:03I sold one of my livers for medical research.
12:07But human beings only have one liver.
12:10Ah.
12:12Well, let's make hay while the sun shines.
12:16Cheers!
12:18So come on, Jaxie.
12:19You must have some idea who put the wombat in your womb.
12:21What?
12:23Why are you pregnant?
12:24Oh, yes, of course.
12:25No, I don't.
12:27Well, when did it happen?
12:29It must have happened on that gay night we had back in September.
12:32I was new to the job and I so wanted to impress.
12:36This job means everything to me.
12:38I remember popping into the Queen of Hearts.
12:40Carry on, lady.
12:41Hello.
12:45Hello.
12:45Hello, Vicky, my little Pop-Tart.
12:47How are you?
12:48Oh, Rick.
12:49This is mega.
12:51I love a party with a happy atmosphere.
12:53Do you remember that record?
12:54No.
12:54It's great to see the gay community enjoying themselves.
12:59Oh, yeah, well, I've always been a big supporter of your lesbians, Vicky.
13:02Not too sure about what a bloke's got up to in mind.
13:04Never could be here.
13:05Oh, Rick, you're so naughty.
13:07Yeah, I know.
13:08Sorry, pal, move in.
13:10You want a pink gin, Vicky?
13:11Especially what the gay lords drink.
13:13Oh, I don't tell very much, but I don't drink.
13:15Now, Vicky, you don't want to come into my house and turn down my else fatality, do you?
13:19You don't want to offend me.
13:20No.
13:21So, I beg your pudding, and I'll just have a sip.
13:24Cheers.
13:25Cheers.
13:30Well, that makes you feel a bit gay.
13:32Yes.
13:33Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:33There you go.
13:34Cheers.
13:35Cheers.
13:36I shouldn't drink.
13:37I really shouldn't, but I didn't want to appear rude.
13:40After that, my memory's a bit patchy.
13:46There, there.
13:48Why did this have to happen to me?
13:50Because you're a trollop.
13:53No.
13:54Yeah, you're going to be all right.
13:56Okay.
13:57A jukebox?
13:58Oh, I've still got 20p of my liver money left.
14:02Oh, no, you don't, Grandad.
14:03No one's playing that thing in here.
14:04But he's got Duke Ellington on it.
14:06I coined my wife to his music called Rest Her Soul.
14:09Oh, dear.
14:10What a pity.
14:11Never mind.
14:11You do not have jazz in here.
14:12Never have.
14:13Never will.
14:14After all, no one likes it.
14:15I do.
14:16No, you don't.
14:17I do.
14:18I like it.
14:19Well, then get out.
14:20You're barred.
14:20We don't have jazz lovers in this pub.
14:22Go on.
14:22Get out.
14:23What?
14:23Let me have my drink.
14:25No.
14:25You know drinking's bad for your liver.
14:26What are those two up to in there, eh?
14:32They've been an awful long time.
14:34Yeah.
14:35You don't think they're, um...
14:37What?
14:44I'd like to be a fly on the wall.
14:46I'd like to be a bloke standing there watching them.
14:50And then joining in.
14:52That'd be better, thinking about it.
14:56It's every man's dream.
14:58Oh, yes.
14:58I'd love to do the sex with two women at once.
15:02That would be quite good.
15:04Yes!
15:04Ho-ho-ho!
15:06You must be able to remember something.
15:09It's all very patchy.
15:11I remember I was getting on very well with those firemen.
15:15And those post-its who drink up there.
15:17Oh, not the bean-faced one.
15:19Oh, I hope not.
15:20Think of the child.
15:21What's my name?
15:23And the barman.
15:26To be honest, I was getting on well with everybody.
15:30Especially Greg.
15:32I'm standing outside of my six-shoots.
15:34I'm a-marker-off.
15:39Then it all goes blank.
15:42Jesus Christ, how do you mean any of those blokes could be your joys dead?
15:45I don't know.
15:46It's fucking shocking, even for you.
15:48Oh, piss off, damn it!
15:49Oh, at least you got my name right.
15:52What are they doing?
15:53Have they started?
15:55Do they hear anything?
15:57Yeah, I can hear the city.
15:59Oh, trust me, you crack.
16:00You got the glass the wrong way round, didn't you?
16:02Let me have a listen.
16:03Oi, you!
16:04Get out!
16:05You are barred!
16:06Go on, go!
16:06You always let Terry back in when he's barred.
16:09That's different.
16:10He has money.
16:11When you've got some money, you can come back in.
16:13Now, piss off!
16:14Oh, well.
16:15I was never very fond of my kidneys.
16:17Well, how goes it, Snopsy?
16:21Ah, Greg Thompson, 100 expected pleasure.
16:24Yeah, Greg, you've seen our new jukebox?
16:26Lovely, isn't it?
16:27Yeah.
16:28I used to think that when I first got it.
16:29I was going to chuck it in a skit, but Vicky said you might like it.
16:32What?
16:32She gave me one of your cast-offs.
16:36Oh, cow!
16:38Poor lamb.
16:39Yeah.
16:40Yeah, I've got one of those video jukeboxes now with a virtual reality helmet
16:43so you can take part in your favourite video.
16:46Oh, good.
16:47Could we go down and see it?
16:48I would love to be in the video of Cheeky Alan Supple's novelty hit,
16:51I'm Mr. Fat Hunt.
16:53Well, you can't, can you?
16:54Because you're all bad afternoon, yeah?
16:56Except for this fella.
17:01Greg, Greg.
17:02That's Terry, isn't it?
17:04You, you master of disguise!
17:08Cheeky, I thought that was you.
17:11Hello, my little cranberry dip.
17:12You're looking lovely as always.
17:21Yeah, nice one.
17:22I need to see you in private.
17:25Good girl.
17:26I knew you'd come round eventually.
17:28They all do.
17:30What's wrong with that girl?
17:31She's insatiable.
17:32It's disgusting.
17:34Shall we try and listen?
17:35Yeah, of course.
17:36Go on.
17:36You are in big trouble, Fig Jam.
17:44Now, that I like the sound of.
17:46Let's get it on.
17:48Can you hear what the sign?
17:49Can you hear what the sign?
17:50Can you hear what the sign?
17:51Can you hear what the sign?
17:51Yeah, I can hear you saying.
17:52Can you hear what the sign?
17:53You just can't take your eyes off my chest, can you?
17:59Put it away, two kids.
18:00I want to talk to you about Miss Jackson.
18:03Oh, the lovely Vicky.
18:04How is she?
18:04She's got a bunyip in the belly.
18:06Eh?
18:06You know, the old nine-month tummy bug.
18:09Oh, is she not well?
18:10She's got a belly full of arms and legs.
18:14You've lost me.
18:15What's wrong with you, Poms?
18:16She's pregnant.
18:18Pregnant?
18:19Pregnant?
18:20Oh, he's got Janet pregnant.
18:22Like a bastard.
18:24I mean, a bastard.
18:26Terry, take over.
18:28I'm telling you, I never touched her.
18:30Don't give me all that.
18:31She told me all about day night.
18:33Yeah, nothing happened.
18:34I did get Vicky up to my bedroom,
18:36but she got scared off when she saw the size of my python.
18:41Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
18:42You're implying you've got a massive cock.
18:44No, seriously.
18:45I keep snakes as my hobby.
18:48Fascinating creatures, all with her own personalities and moods.
18:51Oh, right.
18:52Yeah, she took one look at them and went running out of the pub.
18:55I think she must be snake-a-phobic.
18:58Luckily, I didn't get my trousers off.
19:00Otherwise, she would have got the fright of her life.
19:03Now I'm implying I've got a massive cock.
19:08What were they saying?
19:10I can't hear a word.
19:11My acute deafness probably made me the worst man for the job.
19:16No, she definitely didn't get tapped up by anyone in my gaff.
19:19Last thing I heard, she said she was coming back here.
19:22Oh, right.
19:24They're coming!
19:28Janet, I want a word with you.
19:29Now!
19:30Yeah, cheers for that, darling.
19:33See you later, fellas.
19:38Oh!
19:40Right.
19:41I've been down the hospital and sold my kidneys for £1.50 a pop.
19:47Now, give me a drink.
19:49What kind of hospital is this?
19:50Well, it's not the hospital, exactly.
19:53There's a bloke who hangs around the car park offering loose change for internal organs.
19:58Now, why did I not think of that?
20:02All of the pain and suffering that I could have avoided.
20:06Welcome back.
20:07Give us your kidney money.
20:09According to tickets, you got scared by a snake.
20:12Oh, yes, I'm terribly snake-a-phobic.
20:15Yeah, and then you came back here.
20:18I don't remember.
20:20Well, think.
20:21It's important.
20:22No.
20:22Um, look, I haven't got time to think about this now.
20:24I've got a substandard sanitary towel machine I've got to sort out of at the Swamp.
20:29Thanks for listening, Janet.
20:30Yeah, no working for us.
20:31I'd, um, I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone about this.
20:35Oh, yeah, yeah.
20:35You got it.
20:37Slut.
20:43Janet Wilson, I need to speak to you.
20:45How dare you betray me like that?
20:47I never took that money from the till.
20:49No, it's not about that.
20:51Yeah, what money?
20:52Nothing.
20:54No, Janet, how could you get yourself banged up by that Thompson bastard?
20:57It isn't me that's pregnant, it's her.
21:01What?
21:02Pregnant?
21:03You cow!
21:05I thought you was dying all these weeks I've wasted being nice to you.
21:09Apart from earlier on, obviously, that was a jazz thing.
21:11That was different.
21:13You've never put a pint in your life!
21:16Oh, snap out of it!
21:18Snap out of it!
21:19Hold on.
21:21Who's the father?
21:22I don't know!
21:25Tass.
21:27Well, if you ask me, the guilty fella's someone in this room right now.
21:37Hey!
21:38Trust me, that jukebox is not to be played in here!
21:43Well, I know it's a little bit.
21:45I don't know!
21:51I know what the hell is going to be.
21:52I know it's not too much.
21:53I know what the hell is going to be.
21:56I know it's not too much.
21:57I don't know.
21:58Ah, delicious.
22:27Ah, um, it came on by itself.
22:39I just only touched it.