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00:00You're Barbara, do you not want your sight in here?
00:24There you go, mate. I only wanted a job.
00:26Can't you read?
00:27A bar staff, and I think that says urgently required.
00:31Not that bit, that bit.
00:34No, Auster. Aliens.
00:38It says Australians.
00:40Now, mate like a boomerang, and don't come back.
00:44I'll wreck off.
00:45You can keep your poxy job, ballin' head.
00:49Gov.
00:55Come on, Gov, hurry up.
00:57Another pint here, please.
00:58Another ear when you're ready.
01:00I also require a further bedroom.
01:02All right, all right, give me a chance.
01:03I've only got the one pair of hands.
01:05And if you had two pairs like any man,
01:07the other pair would be fiddling with his nut.
01:10Hold on a minute, Terry.
01:11Aren't you barred?
01:13I'm sure I'm not.
01:14I don't know. There's no one to remind me.
01:17Terry is barred.
01:18Oi, shut the old man.
01:19He tried to hire Gary out as a high-class call girl.
01:26She's my bitch.
01:29Oh, don't bother me.
01:31Gov.
01:31I'll give you 15% of his takings.
01:33Yeah, all right.
01:35Only Steve were here.
01:36He'd have known that.
01:37Why did they leave me?
01:38Why?
01:39He didn't leave.
01:40You kicked him out for stealing from the till.
01:43Although, ironically,
01:45it turns out that Steve was totally innocent
01:47and was framed by that Dave-O git.
01:49How awful to attempt to blame somebody else
01:52for their own misdemeanors.
01:54Calculating.
01:55Cold.
01:56Do you know,
01:57I believe that that Dave-O
01:59might well be the infamous railway station flash.
02:02Poor old Steve, though, eh?
02:08They're in the real world.
02:10I wonder what he's doing.
02:11I wonder where he is.
02:13Ten months is a long time.
02:15No, two years is a long time, old man.
02:18He had so many ambitions,
02:21so much life to live.
02:23He'll be miles away by now.
02:25On the other side of the world.
02:28Oi, Crosby!
02:30I'm back to you, boy.
02:31I need more beer towels.
02:32I'm sorry, Mr Thompson.
02:34I needed a little rest.
02:35Oh.
02:36You need a little rest, do you?
02:38I'm sure you want me to come down there
02:39and break your other leg, eh?
02:41Never, ever try
02:43to escape from me again.
02:45I won't.
02:46But you said I'd only be
02:47a loom fluff remover temporarily.
02:49You said if I did a good job,
02:50I'd get promoted.
02:51Or at least allowed out in the daylight.
02:54I bet you haven't been doing a good job, have you?
02:55Look at these.
02:56Drink beer.
02:59I'm cheeky me.
03:00But I am cheeky.
03:01I am so cheeky.
03:03I am.
03:08When you hit me,
03:09it really hurts.
03:11I miss my guv.
03:12Yeah, well, I'm your guv now.
03:13I need you coming out of your wages.
03:15What wages?
03:15You pay me peanuts.
03:17That's what we agreed when you started.
03:19One bag of peanuts per day worked.
03:21Yeah, but if I eat any more peanuts,
03:23I'll start to look like a man
03:24who's eaten nothing but peanuts for ten months.
03:28Couldn't I have crisps instead?
03:30The contract stipulates peanuts.
03:32Now, you should get back to work.
03:35Right.
03:36I can't do this alone.
03:47Why do they leave me?
03:48Oh, dear God.
03:51Please, mate, help me out just this once.
03:53Please send someone to help.
03:55Wow!
04:03Nice work, God.
04:05You've surpassed yourself, squire,
04:06which is especially impressive, obviously,
04:07given who you are.
04:09She's even lovelier than my daughter.
04:12Before the car crash, obviously.
04:15She's everything I've ever dreamed of being.
04:18Having!
04:18I mean, no padding.
04:21I think I'm in love.
04:23She's not all that.
04:26Hi, I'm here about the job.
04:27All right, darling.
04:28Gary works Mondays to Thursday,
04:30so you can take weekends.
04:31As your plimp, I get 50%.
04:34It's a bar job.
04:36You?
04:37You want to work in our bar?
04:38Oh, that's you, bud.
04:41Do you want to sit down?
04:43Do you know what?
04:44I think I'll stand.
04:45OK, that's lovely.
04:46Now, do you have any experience?
04:49I mean, at bar work, not at...
04:52No.
04:54Yeah, well, I've been working up
04:55at the Student Union Bar
04:56for the last four months.
04:58Oh, that's you, bud.
05:00But I had to leave
05:01because the guy there
05:01was a right horrible little letch.
05:03Oh, that's terrible.
05:05Oh, that's disgusting.
05:05Right, so that'd make me sick.
05:06Do you want a little hug
05:07to make you feel better?
05:09Oh, OK.
05:11Well, yeah, it must have been terrible for you, though,
05:12working up that university bar.
05:14Oh, those bloody students!
05:17What?
05:17How do you mean?
05:18Oh, bloody bastards.
05:19Student wasters.
05:20I hate them, eh?
05:21What do they do?
05:22They drag themselves out of bed
05:23first thing in the afternoon.
05:26I'll get it, I'll get it!
05:27Look at that face!
05:29It's a picture!
05:30And then, what do they do?
05:32They sit around all day
05:33in their pyjamas
05:33eating crisps
05:34and watching telly.
05:35At my expense!
05:37The talked-up self-serving,
05:38time-wasting,
05:39know-all, know-nothing
05:40but learning bastards!
05:41Nice lots!
05:43Yeah, well, actually,
05:44I'm a student.
05:45Huh?
05:46I'm a student.
05:47Oh, well, get out, then!
05:49We don't want your sorting here.
05:51Students are barred!
05:52No, I know my rights
05:53I did law last time.
05:54You can't just exclude someone
05:55from a pub because they're a student.
05:57Oh, yes, I can.
05:58There's a loophole for school kids,
05:59of course.
05:59Someone's got to drink
06:00those alka-pops.
06:01No!
06:02They're not for you!
06:03Oh, one sip before I die!
06:06No!
06:07Now, sling your hook, love.
06:08Haven't you got an essay to write?
06:11Well, yes, as a matter of fact,
06:13yes, I do have an essay to write
06:14and in an ideal world
06:15I'll be doing it right now
06:16but thanks to the
06:17short-sighted policies
06:18of our Tory government.
06:19So do we have a Labour government?
06:21Yeah, no, I was being satirical.
06:22That's posh for wrong.
06:23I have a massive loan to pay off
06:29so although I should be studying
06:30I have to slave away
06:32in some dead-end job
06:32for the minimal wage.
06:33You wouldn't be getting
06:34that much, Rockefeller.
06:35And every day I turn
06:37I get greeted by
06:37small-minded, fat-headed idiots
06:39like you.
06:40Fat?
06:41Yeah, well, you know what?
06:42Screw you and screw your pub.
06:44It's your loss, not mine.
06:45I'm not fat-headed, am I?
06:47I mean, I could secretly
06:48see the bullet-head thing
06:49and to be honest,
06:49I quite liked it
06:50but I haven't got a fat head,
06:52have I?
06:52Oh, and for your information
06:55I'm actually always out of bed
06:56at 11 o'clock in the morning
06:57at the very latest.
06:59Five days a week,
07:0024 weeks of the year.
07:04Don't go!
07:05Why do they leave?
07:06Why?
07:07She was loveliness itself.
07:10Why do they go?
07:12Nice one, Gav.
07:14She was a little cracker,
07:15eh, Terry?
07:16Nah, not my type.
07:18What?
07:19In what way?
07:20Is she not your type?
07:22She did nothing for me.
07:25That is the woman
07:26I'm not going to marry.
07:30All these bare towels.
07:32Greg Thompson,
07:33you are a landlord-ingenious.
07:35Somebody help me!
07:37Shut your mouth, boy!
07:38Oh, my dear,
07:42I think I'm in love.
07:43Get on the end of that.
07:45All right, now,
07:46my little cherry yoghurt.
07:47You see anything back here
07:48that you fancy?
07:50Sorry,
07:50did you just call me
07:51a cherry yoghurt?
07:53Yeah.
07:54Why?
07:56I don't know.
07:59Because I'm not a cherry yoghurt,
08:01I'm a human being,
08:02and if I were a cherry yoghurt,
08:03then I'd be my own cherry yoghurt,
08:05belonging to myself.
08:07Right.
08:08Sorry.
08:08My name is Connie.
08:11And I am Greg Thompson.
08:13Pleased to meet you.
08:13Yeah, I'm looking for a job.
08:15Well, I've only got one position here
08:16at the moment.
08:16That's you on top
08:17while I lie back
08:18and tune in Bazooma FM.
08:19I don't actually find
08:22that particularly amusing.
08:24No.
08:25Nor do I.
08:26It isn't.
08:27Sorry.
08:29You've got the job.
08:33You'll have to do something,
08:35Gubb.
08:35We're all sobering up.
08:36If we don't get pissed again soon,
08:39things could turn nasty.
08:41I need a cocking drink.
08:44Bardo!
08:47Reality.
08:49Now, these are the keys for the nuts.
08:55But if you require
08:56a more substantial snack,
08:58I suggest you come to the kitchen with me
08:59and get your mouth around
09:00my world-famous footlong hot dog.
09:04I'm implying I've got a massive cock.
09:08Your penis is like a hot dog, is it?
09:10Oh, yeah.
09:12So, your penis is in a bun
09:14and is covered in mustard and onions, is it?
09:17Yeah.
09:19Listen to the question, the words in it.
09:23Is your penis covered in mustard and onions?
09:25Oh, no.
09:33What's that noise?
09:34Nothing.
09:34No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
09:36No one goes in there apart from me.
09:37You understand?
09:38Yeah, but I think there might be someone in there.
09:40No.
09:41There's nobody in there.
09:42That's my dog, Stevie.
09:44Cosby.
09:45Yeah.
09:45Ancient doggy.
09:46No.
09:48You want your peanuts today?
09:52What?
09:53See?
09:54Now get back to work, Cosby.
09:56Your dog work.
09:57Let you do down there.
09:58Go, Mr. Proff.
10:06He's gone cold jerky.
10:08Oh, I'm starting to feel a bit peculiar myself.
10:11Oh, the sobriety.
10:13Oh, look at me.
10:15Why have I wasted my life?
10:17All these endless centuries.
10:19It's pathetic.
10:21I've just remembered what I drink to forget about.
10:24I can't do this on me own.
10:25I need some help.
10:26I need some help.
10:27I found it.
10:28Don't you see?
10:29We must have a drink.
10:31We're all alcoholics.
10:32Oh, man, you know we don't use the A-word in here.
10:34We refer to them as liquid crusaders fighting the holy war against the teetotal Taliban.
10:43Please.
10:44I need alcohol.
10:46If I become sober, I may have learnt out the truth that I've hidden so well all these years.
10:48Oh, the terrible things that I have done.
10:51I can't do this.
10:53Of course you can.
10:55You're the best landlord in the world.
10:57I was the best landlord in the world.
10:59But those ten months in bed have sat my powers.
11:02I've lost it.
11:03Look at me.
11:05I've got byman's hand.
11:08Both hands.
11:10I'll never pour again.
11:12Ha-ha.
11:15Scal, scal, scal.
11:17Hey!
11:19Another round of beers for me and me extremely Aussie mates.
11:22Put them on the tap.
11:24Hey, look at you.
11:25You're not too daggy, are you?
11:27Are you Australian?
11:28Am I Australian?
11:30She wants to know if I'm Australian.
11:32She wants to know if the Dave Osiris...
11:33Mr. Pranky from Music.
11:35Mr. Aussie Osborne and bred himself is Australian.
11:39Hey!
11:40Yes, I do.
11:41Are you Australian?
11:42Uh...
11:43Yeah, yeah, I am.
11:46Yeah, he is.
11:47Yeah.
11:47You know, what your people did to the Aborigines...
11:48It's unforgivable.
11:52Aorigines?
11:53Oh, yeah!
11:55Yeah, that was disgusting, you know?
11:56Like the way our government has insisted on giving them back their land and giving them
12:01equal rights, you know?
12:03I reckon those abos must be the least Aussie blokes in the world.
12:07Oh!
12:10Ow!
12:10That was me Aussie face.
12:12You know, I don't think just because you're a pretty woman I won't hit you.
12:15You know, hitting women is one of the Aussiest things you can do.
12:18All right, beaver teeth, leave it out, son.
12:20Oh, beaver teeth?
12:22You know, having a North American animal's teeth is one of the Aussiest sort of teeth you
12:26can have.
12:27Yeah, look, you, don't worry you.
12:28Is it?
12:29Is it really?
12:31Uh, no, look, don't tell anyone this, but I was actually born in New Zealand.
12:41Put these beer towels out, would you, love?
12:43I'm not your love.
12:44No, I apologise.
12:48Help me, I am being held aginast.
12:57Oh, against.
12:59I will.
13:00I'm cheeky me.
13:04Sorry, got distracted.
13:10Help...
13:10Here, go, come on, you can do it!
13:15I can't, Terry, I can't, my hands are useless.
13:18I mean, it's really odd.
13:19I can type.
13:20Yeah.
13:23Clap and click me fingers.
13:26I can even play the side drum pattern from Ravel's Bolero.
13:29But the minute I try and do anything in any way bar-related, I can't even get the top off the orange juice.
13:46Even the fruit-based drinks are mocking me.
13:50Look at me!
13:50Don't look at me!
13:52Don't look at me!
13:53Look at me!
13:54Don't look at me!
13:58Hello?
13:59Hello, I've got your message.
14:00Can you hear me?
14:02What?
14:03Oh, no, it's OK.
14:05You don't have to pretend to be a dog with me.
14:07Oh, right.
14:07Sorry.
14:09Um, who are you?
14:11I don't know anymore.
14:13Oh, how exciting.
14:14Oh, God, it's just like that Leonardo DiCaprio movie.
14:17I mean, it's like that book by DeMar.
14:19Um, are you some kind of unjustly treated, handsome nobleman in prison because of a rivalry in love?
14:26Could be.
14:28Oh, God, this is so romantic.
14:30I'm going to get you out.
14:32I'm Connie, by the way.
14:34I'm Steve.
14:35You've got a lovely voice.
14:38Fair view.
14:40Everything right, my little treacle tarts?
14:42I'm not.
14:43Oh, yes, Greg.
14:46I just dropped my contact lens.
14:49Oh, I'm so silly.
14:51Would you like to have a drink?
14:53Yeah.
14:56I'll be back in a second, OK?
14:59That's more like it, eh?
15:00Of course she fancies me.
15:01I, my friend, am Greg Thompson.
15:07Come over here.
15:08Stop straggling profits for your own good.
15:15And what do you think that you are looking at, you gigantic cretin?
15:21Oh, you do not frighten me, you big bully.
15:26I eat men like you for breakfast.
15:28Get away from here!
15:30Hey, Chris!
15:31Free Chris!
15:32Oh, God, I can't even throw the crisps anymore.
15:34My life's over.
15:35I'll do it.
15:36Oh, my head!
15:39My head!
15:40What's the matter, Terry?
15:42Oh, I've got a blinding headache.
15:44I don't mean it's a blinding headache,
15:46because it ain't it's the most least blinding thing I've ever experienced.
15:50Oh!
15:50Look at your eyes.
15:51They're very bloodshot.
15:53No, I can't!
15:56I feel like I've licked the floor of a vet
15:59who specializes in cutting hair of cats with a mange.
16:03Well, I swore I'd never do that again.
16:07What's going on?
16:09That, my friend, is a hangover.
16:12So, this is an hangover.
16:16Surely the amount you drink, you've had a hangover before, Terry.
16:19No, I'll never get them, Gav.
16:21You see, my fairy is
16:22the way to avoid hangovers is to never stop drinking.
16:26Don't you see?
16:26You haven't had a drink all day.
16:28These symptoms are just the start of all the hangovers
16:31that you have never had.
16:34All my life's hangovers in one day!
16:38It'll kill me!
16:39Oh, Greg, you're so funny.
16:47I know.
16:49Listen, love, I've got to go and show her from the Python.
17:01It's OK, Steve.
17:02We're going to get you out.
17:03There you go, Samson.
17:06I've just got you out first to make a way.
17:08Don't you worry.
17:09We're going to get through your prostrate trouble together.
17:12You know?
17:13Pretty cool, soldier.
17:16What?
17:17You never see the geyser kissing a snake before?
17:22Don't you worry, boy.
17:24Daddy loves you.
17:31Steve!
17:33Where is he?
17:43Where is he?
17:44Where is who?
17:45Steve, the handsome dispassist prisoner.
17:48I'm Steve.
17:49Oh, dear.
17:53Well, I suppose I've come this far,
17:54and we'll get you out, right?
17:56Where do you want to go?
17:57But I want to go back to my own pub.
18:00The pub at the end of the road.
18:01What, the one by the chemical works?
18:04You know it.
18:05Yeah, are you sure you wouldn't just rather stay here?
18:06No, I wouldn't.
18:08Ollie, where are you, darling?
18:10Oh, damn, Thompson's back.
18:11How are we going to get out?
18:12Don't worry.
18:13I did metal work last term.
18:16Lager, lager everywhere.
18:19Nor any drop to drink.
18:21I'm sorry, Terry.
18:22Gav, I'm dying.
18:27Kiss me, Ardon.
18:29No, I couldn't.
18:31Never confused.
18:33Still, two years is a long time.
18:39But that's impossible.
18:42You're wonderful.
18:43No, it's nothing.
18:44Do you think I'll fit?
18:46Oh, yeah.
18:46Yep, you're all skin and bones, unfortunately.
18:51Right.
18:52There's just one more thing I need to do.
18:54I want you to know
18:55I've spent the best years of my life in here.
19:00I've only one regret,
19:02and that's coming in here in the first place.
19:04All the rest of the stuff since then
19:08has been...
19:09Right.
19:14He is dead.
19:16Lucky stiff.
19:17I don't want your hateful shame now,
19:19will you please?
19:20Get me a fucking drink
19:21before I kill you all!
19:27Just an empty gonna pop it round the back.
19:30Yeah, well, the back, what is that?
19:32Never mind.
19:33I love a girl who can't sort of
19:34the difference between her front and her back entrance.
19:36Kaboosh!
19:38I'm King Kong!
19:39Top of the world, ma!
19:42Wait a minute.
19:43What is she doing in there?
19:50No!
19:53Still!
19:55You have to admire the man in the world
19:56that went into it.
19:57Back here, my loop!
20:04That's a move!
20:05Fuck!
20:05All right.
20:06Let's go!
20:07Oh!
20:16Oh!
20:16Oh, please, God, give me succour.
20:33Please send me some booze from heaven.
20:41Steve, you came back to me, son.
20:44That's coming out of your wages.
20:46I'm sorry.
20:49Never mind about that.
20:50Hop on, boy, and pour these men a drink.
20:54Oi, no, prof, I'm having that.
21:01Here you go, me old mate.
21:03One last pint for old time's sake.
21:12It's an amazing dream.
21:14I was in this big burning lake, and it smelt of sulphur.
21:19Oh, I wish I could go back there.
21:24Oh.
21:31Steve, Steve, are you all right?
21:34Oi, student, I warned you, get out.
21:36No, Gov, this is Connie.
21:38She rescued me.
21:39She lost her job for me.
21:41I don't care, she can't come in here.
21:42She's a student.
21:43Oh, go on, Gov.
21:45Don't say anything, but I really fancy her.
21:48Yeah, you know I can hear you, twat.
21:52Think she likes me too.
21:53Well, she can't work in here.
21:55She's a student.
21:56Yeah, and to be honest, I don't really want to work with this fat-headed idiot, so...
22:00Stop calling me fat-headed.
22:02And an idiot.
22:04Oh, go on.
22:05Give it a try.
22:07Yeah, well, I'll think about it.
22:09Anyway, I've got to go home now.
22:10I've got an essay to finish by me.
22:12Oh, Steve, it's great to have you back, son.
22:17Would you like a drink?
22:18No.
22:19I've just spent ten months in a cold, dark, dank cellar.
22:23I just want to go to bed.
22:34Ah, home sweet home.
22:42Ah, home sweet home.