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00:00You
00:31Hurry up, Steve. She's nearly finished.
00:33I can't get it in. You're putting me under too much pressure.
00:36Now it's gone all robbery.
00:38I know the feeling.
00:40Give it to me, Steve.
00:41Oh, damn this barman's hand.
00:44Get it open, for God's sake.
00:45Remember what happened last time she ran out of drink?
00:47Oh, God, we can't go through that again.
00:50Oh, give it to me. I did metallurgy last term.
00:53What use is that? No-one's allergic to metal.
00:57It's screwed in properly, yeah.
01:00See? Nice and firm now.
01:07What a woman.
01:09Thanks very much, Connie. I'm going in.
01:11Right.
01:11What a woman.
01:24We did it.
01:43Yeah.
01:44No thanks to you, Crosby.
01:45You're as much used as a solar-powered sunbed.
01:49I did it!
01:50I did it!
01:50Such a device would naturally render itself redundant.
01:53Look at his face!
01:54It's a picture!
01:56Do you really go through that ridiculous palaver
01:59every time either of those two wants a drink?
02:01Of course we do.
02:01They believe their glasses are enchanted.
02:03We don't like to spoil the magical illusion.
02:06He's got the mind of a child, you see.
02:08The distracting device is my invention.
02:11Oh, patents are pending.
02:13Oh, yeah, because an invention like that's going to sell a million, isn't it?
02:16Do you think?
02:16Oh, yes, it'll be a must for any pub
02:18that has got a gigantic, violent, retarded man
02:21who exists solely on a diet of beer and crisps.
02:23Precisely.
02:24Well, there's one in every pub.
02:26But never more than one.
02:28Not for very long, anyway.
02:29Very territorial, those fellas.
02:32Do you remember what happened to big, thick, crisp eating Nick?
02:34Oh, no.
02:36May ye rest in peace.
02:37Oh, Christ, he's nearly out of beer.
02:42Back on your trolley, Crosby.
02:47Damn these useless hands.
02:49Will this barman's hand never leave me?
02:51If Miss Jackson finds out I've lost the ability to keep bar,
02:54I'll be out of my ear before you can say, hello.
02:56Hello.
02:57You still here?
03:01Well, look, let me do it.
03:03Oh, thanks, love.
03:04I'm not your love.
03:05Oh, yeah.
03:06Bloody student.
03:08So lovely.
03:09Oh.
03:10Are you ready, Steve?
03:11Oh, no, sod, though.
03:12They have to be shown that there is no such thing
03:14as a perpetually self-filling glass.
03:16I bet the prof could invent one.
03:18I will get to work immediately.
03:20A never-ending glass of beer.
03:22If you manage that, I'll take 11.
03:2411.
03:24A drunkard's dozen.
03:26Right.
03:26Yeah.
03:28But don't go.
03:29You'll be killed.
03:31Before I could declare my secret love for her.
03:34Yeah, do you know what?
03:34I can still hear you, even when you whisper, you cock.
03:39Three crisps!
03:40Three crisps!
03:41One barrel!
03:41One barrel!
03:43Excuse me, here is your drink.
03:44That's five pounds to the round, please.
03:47Your glasses are not magic, and you do have to pay for your drinks.
03:51Oh, sweaty, littleie!
03:56Pretty.
04:01People!
04:02She's mine!
04:03Ah!
04:04All right, you can have her.
04:06Not anybody's property.
04:08No, who could afford the rent?
04:11Right.
04:12Come on, pay up.
04:13Sir, please.
04:18Blow me!
04:20No, thanks.
04:21I'm the bowler, not the wicket-keeper.
04:24No!
04:25Still.
04:26No!
04:27Still.
04:27No!
04:29No!
04:29No!
04:30See?
04:31He paid.
04:32This girl, woman, bloody student, is a genius.
04:35Yeah, well, I'm just going to show you that politeness will get you a long way in this world.
04:39Yep.
04:39That and a nice pair of tits.
04:43Oh, Leslie!
04:44How could you?
04:46After all my years of fidelity!
04:48Oi!
04:49You were going to marry me last year.
04:50That's not the point.
04:53Pretty.
04:55That's it!
04:56You're chucked!
04:57I've told you a hundred times, Mike.
05:08Urinal bleach blocks are not for internal consumption.
05:12So you can tell your blame-direct lawyers to shove your claim where the sun don't shine.
05:16Capisce?
05:17It means, do you understand?
05:19Good.
05:21Hello!
05:22Hello!
05:23Hi, Governor.
05:24Just come for the old pound of flesh.
05:26I knew she wanted it.
05:28They all come round and hit him.
05:30Woo!
05:31I don't think you've even got an ounce of flesh in there, Terry.
05:34Well, you're never going to find out, darling, because I wouldn't touch you with his.
05:38No.
05:39It must concentrate.
05:41So, Governor, have you got my money?
05:44Yeah, all right.
05:45Cow bloody highway rubbish.
05:46You've never thought of buying a lot.
05:48Hi there, Connie.
05:50Booyakasha.
05:53How are you?
05:54I'm fine.
05:55Good, good.
05:56I was watching Naked Ibiza the other night.
05:59It was happening.
06:03I sort of missed out on all of that when I was a youngster.
06:06I thought maybe you and I should go out clubbing one night, plop a few E's.
06:11No, thanks.
06:12Not really into that kind of thing, and nor is anyone I know.
06:14It's a bit ten years ago.
06:16But, you know, I can give my gran a call if you want, see if she's free.
06:19You can go.
06:21Fair enough.
06:22Take it.
06:22Take it all.
06:23Bleed me white.
06:24Why don't you?
06:25Thanking you, Governor.
06:26Everything else all right?
06:27Oh, yeah.
06:28Perfect.
06:29Fine.
06:29There's nothing wrong with my hands, nor nothing.
06:32Oi, another pint here, go.
06:34Shut up.
06:34Not now.
06:35But I need a drink.
06:37You know I can't.
06:38Actually, Governor, would you mind awfully if I had a go?
06:40I'm very keen to get some hands-on experience.
06:43Right.
06:43Tell you them.
06:45You can't just come back here and pour drinks.
06:48This is a skilled job.
06:49You've never pulled a pint in your life.
06:50Stop it.
06:51Damn these hands.
06:53You can't pour a pint.
06:54You've never pulled a...
06:55Arseholes, what am I going to say now?
07:03That's the best pint I've ever tasted.
07:05Keep me coming, love.
07:07Don't kill you, don't kill you.
07:08Get out of here.
07:09You've never pulled a...
07:10You've...
07:10All right, you've pulled one pint in your life.
07:13Oh, it's just not the same, is it?
07:14It's not half the insult.
07:15It's actually peasy, lemon squeezy.
07:17You've pulled two pints in your life.
07:19Oh, God, this is a disaster.
07:21Actually, you know, it's quite fun.
07:22Oh, stop it.
07:23You're spoiling everything.
07:25Carry on, Vicky.
07:26You're coming close to inventing
07:28the never-ending glass of beer.
07:30Oh, no, then all my work will have been for naught.
07:32Stop it!
07:34Pity, so near and yet so far.
07:39Ah, the race continues.
07:44Um, this way, Francis.
07:47It's over there.
07:48Oh, my God, another huge man.
07:50No.
07:51She didn't waste much time.
07:54Two huge men in one pub.
07:56Crosby, this calls for desperate measures.
08:11Free grip, free grip, flick over!
08:13You're an invention prop.
08:18Oh, yes.
08:20Right, so mainly inventions do with huge men and crisps, then.
08:23You have not seen my other book.
08:26It's only going to hold them off in the short term.
08:28Very territorial, those fellas.
08:31I'll tell you, it's going to be a bloodbath.
08:35How exciting.
08:35As bloodbaths go, it's somewhat lacking in blood.
08:56Or a bath to keep the non-existent blood in.
08:59Oh, if you would like to see a bath of blood.
09:02It was a disappointment, wasn't it?
09:03I know I was secretly looking forward to the vicarious thrill of senseless violence.
09:07Oh, shut up!
09:11I preferred it when it was vicarious.
09:13I don't know, the standard of pub fighting in this country has gone into steep decline
09:19ever since they got rid of national service.
09:22Crosby, go poke them with a stick or something, see if you can get them going, yeah?
09:26No!
09:27Now, come on, fellas, before you start anything, I just want you to remember.
09:31War.
09:32Huh.
09:33Huh.
09:34What is it good for?
09:36Absolutely nothing.
09:37Say it again.
09:40Do you remember that song?
09:41Whoa, get in there, my son.
09:46He's not in your bed.
09:50Pretty.
09:52Oh, hold on.
09:54Finally, it's kicking off.
09:56Oh, here we go.
09:57Oh, here we go.
09:57Oh, here we go.
09:57Oh, here we go.
09:57Oh, here we go.
10:00Oh, how uncouth.
10:04So those crisps, such an unbalanced diet is very bad for the digestion.
10:08Well, I've never had a problem.
10:09I think a bit of my Colin's just come out.
10:18You call yourself a huge man?
10:20Come on, Francis.
10:22We're going to do it!
10:25Oh, yes, me!
10:29Eureka!
10:30Sorry, mate.
10:30Yeah, silent but violent.
10:32No, no, no, Eureka!
10:35It means, uh, I have it.
10:37Yeah, me too.
10:38Got off my 15 fiancée.
10:40Slag!
10:41No, the everlasting beer glass.
10:43I believe that I have cracked it.
10:46It's a shame all the beer will spill out.
10:48Oh, why do you not just shut your stupid cake holes, you bloody idiotic men?
10:54I have invented the everlasting fucking beer glass.
10:58And I will be demonstrating it here tomorrow.
11:03I'll upset him now.
11:05Ooh!
11:05Ooh!
11:07Everlasting beer glass.
11:09No one could ever be that thirsty.
11:10Unless, of course, he can invent an everlasting pack of extremely salty nuts.
11:15Of course, if he could invent such a device, it would be very bad news for the brewery.
11:19Oh, dear.
11:19What a pity.
11:20Never mind.
11:21Now, maybe you suits up the brewery.
11:22I understand the meaning of true financial hardship.
11:24Be hey!
11:25And it will put every landlord in the country out of a job.
11:28The prof must die.
11:34The demonstration will begin in two minutes' time.
11:37You, um...
11:40You would be my guinea pig.
11:42What?
11:43You're going to put me up your rostrum?
11:44No.
11:46Well, no.
11:47No.
11:48There are more important things to think about.
11:50I'm going to make you drink my everlasting pint.
11:53Count me in.
11:54I'd even go up your rostrum for that.
11:56Really?
11:58Hello, Gus.
11:58I came and should have heard.
12:00Barry, Mike, Dave.
12:01Cheers!
12:01Cheers!
12:02All out of the ale.
12:03There's a chance.
12:03Time for that now.
12:04If this experiment's a success,
12:06then we could be looking for alternative employment.
12:08You're right.
12:09Our profession is more important than one man's life.
12:12If you catch my drift.
12:13Oh, I do.
12:14What are you chewing?
12:16Oh, spit that out.
12:19Oh, Michael.
12:21Listen, Dave.
12:22If this experiment works,
12:23I want you to grab the prof
12:24and, Mike, you to glass him in the face.
12:26All right?
12:26Right.
12:27If it's runnest to success,
12:28I glass Dave in the face.
12:31Not me, Michael.
12:32The prof bloke.
12:33You are such a nincompoop sometimes.
12:35I can't believe it.
12:37First Leslie leaves me
12:38and then Francis.
12:40Oh, well,
12:41if you're single again,
12:42I wouldn't mind a crack at your crack.
12:46Oh, Leslie,
12:47you came back.
12:50Pretty.
12:53Let me think.
12:54I've got the chance to have sex
12:56with a huge, fat,
12:57sweaty,
12:58grunting,
12:58soporific,
12:59hairy gorilla.
13:01On balance,
13:02I think I'd rather trim Anne Widdicombe.
13:03Me, too.
13:05She never returns my letters.
13:08Why don't you just leave me alone
13:10and go back to your own tiny lady?
13:12Don't give me that.
13:14No woman can resist my Leslie.
13:16This is all you're doing,
13:17you prick-teasing slut.
13:19Ladies and gentlemen,
13:24please gather round
13:25for the world's first
13:26everlasting pint.
13:28Get ready, fellas.
13:29Who am I glassing again?
13:31Him,
13:31but only if it's a success.
13:34This,
13:34as we can see,
13:35is a regular pint.
13:36If you could do the honest,
13:37please, um...
13:39My pleasure.
13:39A regular pint,
13:46as we can see,
13:47lasts one second.
13:48Therefore,
13:49it was my hypothesis
13:50that an everlasting pint
13:52would have to be
13:53much larger.
13:55Oh,
13:55very clever.
13:56He's thought that through.
13:57That's British.
13:57Therefore,
13:58voila!
13:59Oi,
13:59prop!
14:00My French!
14:01All my dreams
14:02have come true!
14:04Nearly all my dreams
14:05have come true.
14:06Really good to do the honest.
14:11Hoop!
14:11Bah!
14:13Huah!
14:18It's not looking
14:18too good for us, fellas.
14:20Mike.
14:20Here you go, mate.
14:26Do you blokes
14:27even have any concept
14:28of what infinity
14:29actually means?
14:30Oh, God, yes.
14:32When will I die?
14:35Why, then?
14:36Oh.
14:39Oh,
14:39that's what I'm talking
14:40about.
14:41They failed!
14:46What are you doing?
14:47My face!
14:48I thought I had to
14:49glass you
14:50if he failed.
14:52I'm almost at my
14:54wit's end with you,
14:55young man.
14:55Best just get Dave
14:57to the hospital.
15:00Looks like our
15:02jobs are safe.
15:02So, your everlasting
15:07pint wasn't everlasting
15:09and it wasn't even a pint,
15:10but apart from that
15:11was a total success.
15:12Don't worry, Prof.
15:13It still lasted nine seconds
15:14longer than a normal pint.
15:15Well, progress is being made,
15:18but I require an infinite
15:19vessel with the external
15:20dimensions of a pint.
15:23Of course!
15:24Something like the forced
15:26quantum singularity
15:27used to power a Romulan
15:28warp drive.
15:29Oh,
15:30brother!
15:32Oh,
15:33Francis,
15:33you came back!
15:40Pretty.
15:41Oh,
15:42Francis,
15:43not you too!
15:45Great,
15:45now we've got the full
15:46cake top decoration
15:48set for a wedding
15:49of gay giants.
15:50Why don't you just
15:52leave me alone?
15:53Oh,
15:54don't give me that,
15:55you mind-stealing
15:56bitch!
15:57Raaaaaah!
15:59Raaaaaah!
16:00Raaaaaah!
16:02Raaaaaah!
16:03Raaaaaah!
16:05They said they're
16:06going to get changed.
16:08They're going to ruin
16:09their best clothes.
16:10They're going to meet
16:11back here
16:12at closing time.
16:14Oh,
16:14God!
16:15Quick,
16:15hide the valuables!
16:16What valuables?
16:23Ah!
16:23Hmm.
16:37When's this
16:37bleeding fight
16:38going to start?
16:40I don't know.
16:41It's exciting,
16:41isn't it?
16:42There's a certain
16:42thrill in seeing
16:43two men fight
16:44one another.
16:44You know,
16:44wrestling together,
16:45writhing,
16:46their bodies
16:46locked together,
16:48tussling,
16:48in combat
16:50for our pleasure.
16:52Never confused.
16:54It's not just that.
16:56I was hoping
16:57I might get killed
16:58in the crossfire.
17:00I tell you,
17:00I'd like to see
17:01in a pub fight,
17:02yeah?
17:02Shakespeare
17:02versus Robbie Burns.
17:04Yeah?
17:05It'd be fantastic.
17:05Proper fight,
17:06one-on-one,
17:07no holds barred.
17:08Yeah?
17:08It'd be nice
17:08to see a couple
17:09of poets
17:10put to some sort
17:10of actual use.
17:13My money's
17:13on the jock.
17:14I have it.
17:18Success!
17:19Success!
17:20It lives!
17:23The philosopher's stone!
17:26That's the sorcerer's stone
17:27for any Americans
17:27in tonight.
17:31Everlasting
17:31punt!
17:33Oh, yeah.
17:34Right,
17:35your last one,
17:35is it?
17:35Prof all talk
17:36and then only
17:37last ten seconds.
17:38Yeah,
17:38I've had a few
17:39blokes like that.
17:40No, you haven't.
17:40Don't be ridiculous.
17:42No man can last
17:43that long.
17:45You,
17:46man,
17:47are you prepared
17:48to drink forever?
17:50It's what I've lived
17:51my whole life for.
17:53Then let the
17:54experiment begin.
18:05Justice!
18:06How does it work,
18:08Prof?
18:08Beer is continually
18:09pumped into the glass
18:10from here
18:11as the glass
18:12is drained
18:12and thus,
18:13young lady,
18:15we have a pint
18:16which is everlasting.
18:19Yeah,
18:19until the barrel
18:20runs out.
18:22No.
18:24Listen to me.
18:26Once the barrel
18:27is down to just vapours,
18:28this light here
18:30flashes.
18:30And then
18:31we engage
18:33the second barrel.
18:36Whoa!
18:38Gav!
18:39And whilst the
18:40second barrel
18:41is being drunk,
18:42the first barrel
18:42is replaced.
18:43Gav!
18:46Another barrel,
18:47Mr. Crofty.
18:48Gav!
18:51Oh, no, Prof,
18:53you've only got
18:53a bloody killed him.
18:56Why him?
18:57Why not me?
18:59When will you
19:00help me shuffle
19:01off this mortal coil?
19:03I've been shuffling
19:04around here
19:05for years
19:05and nothing.
19:07How much shuffling
19:08can one man do?
19:10Why don't you
19:10shut up,
19:11you boring old gink?
19:14Because I'm
19:14up after this
19:15come of us.
19:16Go on.
19:17Give me another go.
19:18Oh, no,
19:18here we go.
19:19Oh, no.
19:19Oh, no.
19:20Oh, no.
19:20Oh, no.
19:20Oh, no.
19:21Oh, no.
19:22Oh, no.
19:22Oh, no.
19:22Oh, no.
19:23Oh, no.
19:23Oh, no.
19:23Oh, no.
19:24Oh, no.
19:24Oh, no.
19:24Oh, no.
19:25Oh, no.
19:26Oh, no.
19:26Oh, no.
19:27Oh, no.
19:28Oh, no.
19:29Oh, no.
19:30Oh, no.
19:31Oh, no.
19:32Oh, no.
19:33Oh, no.
19:34Oh, no.
19:35Oh, no.
19:36Oh, no.
19:37Oh, no.
19:38Oh, no.
19:39Oh, no.
19:40Oh, no.
19:41Oh, no.
19:42What have I done?
19:43I don't want nowhere to get hurt.
19:44I just want my Leslie back.
19:45OK.
19:46I think I might be able to help.
19:47Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
19:48Please.
19:49Please, you've impressed me enough.
19:50Just don't kill him.
19:52If you really want to prove your manliness to me and to my hand, oh, you tiger, then all
20:04you have to do is down this pint in one.
20:07Well, won't that kill him?
20:08Find your curtain.
20:10Danny one! Danny one!
20:12Danny one!
20:17Danny one!
20:19Danny one! Danny one, Danny one!
20:29EVANS
20:32Well, we did all we could, but I'm afraid he's dead.
20:34Who are you looking at? Poor fella. He just got engaged to my barmaid here.
20:39I'm inconsolable.
20:42Yeah, we were celebrating. Probably hadn't won too many.
20:44Are you sure? It looks like he drowned.
20:47It has all the signs of foul play.
20:49Yeah, but if that was the case, then we'd all be complicit in his murder.
20:53Look how upset we all are.
20:57Our good friend...
20:59Andrew Francis!
21:00Francis, that's it. Francis is gone.
21:04Yes, I suppose so.
21:06Well, if you just sign this organ donor release form, we'll say no more about it.
21:09Yeah, yeah, whatever.
21:11Goodbye, dear friend.
21:29Leslie says you've saved his life.
21:33His life is now yours.
21:37He'll do anything you want him to.
21:39Anything?
21:40Hmm.
21:41Yes.
21:42Right, well, in that case, Leslie, I want you to forget about me and go back to Leslie here and love her for the rest of your days.
21:48Hmm.
21:51Anything else?
21:52Anything else?
21:53No, that's it.
21:54I knew I'd get him back in your face, you bitch!
22:01Oh, Leslie!
22:02I'm filling up!
22:03I'm filling up!
22:04I'm filling up!
22:08I'm filling up!
22:09Yeah!
22:10Thanks a lot, thanks a lot!
22:11I love you!
22:13I love you!
22:14I'm eating up, you sure!
22:15I love you, too!
22:16We're all ready to work.
22:17Nope!
22:18I love you, too!
22:19Wait a minute!
22:20I'm getting it up.
22:21We're all ready to go!
22:23Help!
22:24I'm getting it up!
22:25I'm getting it up!
22:26I'm getting it up!
22:27I don't know what it's been so good!
22:28I'm getting it up!