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00:00You
00:30I see that the notorious train station flasher is still at large
00:39When will they catch that evil genius?
00:42Makes me sick to my stomach. I mean what would make a man one particularly well-endowed man?
00:50Yes
00:52What would make a man want to expose himself to old women segment of a domineering mother?
01:00One would imagine
01:02What is it about wrapping an egg in sausage meat and breadcrumbs that makes it Scottish, eh?
01:10Bloody jocks we only serve English eggs in here back off Brussels
01:16Could you do something about him Guff he's sitting in my place. I'm sorry you got there first
01:22I've been drinking in here for donkey's year
01:24It doesn't matter who you are in this pub you get the same treatment in the great British pub all men are equals
01:29I mean if ET was to walk in here now asking for change to phono you'd have to buy a pint like everybody else
01:37I'm worried about janet gov
01:39She's fine, but look at her she's australian steven
01:42She doesn't have feelings as you or I would understand
01:47Bloody phone
01:49Hello?
01:50Oh, hello how lovely to hear from you
01:54Ta-da!
01:56Oi grandad get out of it
02:00Drinking in here for years and stay excuse me young man would you mind fair enough
02:06I
02:08Bastard
02:10Yes, I do remember that program
02:13Oh, well, that's super. Oh, no, that's lovely. I can't what time you'll be here around about six. Oh, I'm looking forward to it
02:21No, no, no the pleasure's all mine
02:23Bye-bye
02:24Who was that bloody was Jackson from the brewery cow never put a point in her life
02:28Steve how dare you talk about Vicky like that but you hate her I admit it we haven't always seen eye to eye
02:34But the thing is last week at the hospital I overheard the doc telling her she's only got six months left to live six months
02:41Great I work better to a deadline
02:45Jerry so we're gonna make our last six months on earth the happiest of her life by giving her the one thing that will make her life complete
02:51Yo
02:55No, we are gonna make this pub a success
02:59All right gov. I'm here from the brewery. I'm here to check the optics and the pumps. Yeah. Yeah anything to help miss Jackson
03:09Hello
03:12A bloke comes in the pub under 60 in working clothes. She doesn't try and sexually assault him
03:20There's something very wrong
03:23Yeah, that's nothing to worry about time in a month, you know on the old jammie bags
03:30Terry that is very sexist just because a woman's depressed does not mean she's on a period no no no no no
03:36It could be your hormones or or the fact she hasn't had enough chocolate this morning
03:40I'll stand erected
03:44Don't forget his crisps, Steve. I didn't ask for any crisps. Yeah, you don't have to terry. There's a free packet with every pine
03:51free crisps
03:53There's no such thing as a free crisps. What's going on?
03:56How can you possibly afford to be so generous it flies in the face of the most basic economic principle?
04:01Well, because I'm not legally allowed to sell them because they're past their so-called bloody sell-by date
04:07Back off brussels. Oh
04:09Dodeca snacks the short-lived 12-sided snack from the mid-80s. I remember these
04:20Free crisps my beautiful free crisps
04:26Nah, no, it doesn't matter these will have the punters flooding through the door. They come for the crisps. They stay for the ambience
04:32And they leave in an ambulance
04:38Oh, actually, they're quite Morris
04:42Oh, dummy, give me another pint
04:45All done
04:45Oh, well done, mate
04:47Here, have a packet of free crisps
04:49Tell all your friends
04:52See you later, maybe
04:53Not a worry mate, she's got the painters in
05:00You know, the old toothless vampires drinking fountain
05:03Well, it's paying dividends already
05:08I mean, look, one new customer and counting
05:11Ha ha, gay
05:12He can't believe his luck, can he?
05:15Look, he's ringing all his friends to tell him about it
05:18Pretending to ring his friends more like
05:20And drinking on his own
05:22Billy no mates
05:22He is sad
05:23He really is
05:24What a nerd
05:25I wish he'd get out of my seat
05:26Look at me
05:27I'm a nerd
05:28I'm a nerd
05:29No, I'm a nerd
05:30No, I'm a nerd
05:32No, I'm a nerd
05:34No, I'm a nerd
05:36No, I'm a nerd
05:38No, I'm a nerd
05:40No, I'm a nerd
05:42No, I'm a nerd
05:44No, I'm a nerd
05:46No, I'm a nerd
05:47Look at me
05:49I like
05:50Trains for that
05:52Look at me
05:53I'm late for bed
05:55I'll break it home and my mum will kill me
05:58Oh, no, thanks bro
06:04Yeah, you know, it's that old pub behind the chemical plant
06:06Nobody ever comes in here
06:07It's just packed full of old drunk losers
06:14Yeah, put the word around
06:15I'll set up shop from now on
06:17All right
06:17Feelin' love you
06:18Ding ding ding ding ding
06:23Ding ding ding ding ding
06:26Ding ding ding ding dealing
06:28Ding ding ding ding ding ding
06:30Mission accomplished
06:32Ah, grow up
06:33What's your problem?
06:35I got the most boring job in the world
06:37And my new partner's
06:38The most annoying titty in the universe
06:41I tell you something, though
06:42That barmaid's a bit of all right.
06:44I was thinking of being like Richard Dreyfuss in Stakeout,
06:47totally abusing my position and getting off with her.
06:50Great film, Matt. Never saw it.
06:53You never saw Stakeout?
06:55You work in Stakeout and you didn't go and see Stakeout?
06:58Oh, yeah, I work in Stakeout 18 hours a day, six days a week,
07:02so when I've got to be a time off, I always think to me,
07:05if I know what I'll do, I'll go and see a film called Stakeout.
07:09What?
07:12What, are you even curious?
07:14No. First thing you've got to learn is this job is not like the movies.
07:18How can you say that? It's exactly like the movies.
07:21I'm the mouthy rookie cop and you're his jaded, world-weary partner,
07:26only a week away from retirement.
07:28Exactly. And if you don't mind, I'd like to see that week out quietly
07:32without you trying to get me killed.
07:34Now you're getting the idea.
07:36Why don't you turn the sound down?
07:39Look at me, old woman and a rat!
07:43It's a problem with you, Steve, isn't it? You don't want to stop, do you?
07:48I'm telling you, Gub. She's not her usual self today.
07:51Yeah, well, that's great, because her usual self is a right pain in the arse.
07:55I'll get it, I'll get it. Nice one, Gub.
07:58Or a blaze in wit.
08:00Look at her face! It's a picture!
08:03Wake up, you pygmy cock, puss-dust!
08:08I have not got a pygmy cock.
08:10Look!
08:15Careful, Algernon.
08:17Your arrogance will be your undoing.
08:19Take no notice ever, chaps. She's peddling that cycle that leads to the all-night chemist.
08:28Shut up, Terry.
08:30But she hasn't made one unsubtle lunge at my crotch all week.
08:34You sound disappointed.
08:36No, I'm not.
08:37Steve, love, Janet! Steve, love, Janet!
08:39No, I don't. The way she treats me is sexual harassment in the workplace.
08:44Yeah, well, that's a terrible thing. I'm a victim of that. My boss is always sexually harassing me.
08:54But, Terry, you're self-employed.
08:58I know! I can't help myself. I'm such a little peach.
09:03Crosby, that's coming out of your wages.
09:18Gov, give us another packet. I'm addicted to them.
09:22He's talking about crisps.
09:25Don't we're wasting our time here. Jordan's just a small-time crook.
09:28Let's send the boys in and get this over with.
09:31We're not after Jordan. We want to get Mr Big.
09:33There is no Mr Big.
09:35That's exactly what Mr Big wants you to think.
09:38This isn't a real pub. It's an obvious front.
09:41There's no way this guy's a real landlord.
09:45None of this, lad. Clever enough to be drug barons.
09:49That's exactly what Mr Big wants you to think.
09:53A new customer. Hello, sir.
10:02See, he's acting alone.
10:05That is exactly what Mr Big wants you to think.
10:10Hey, mate, hold on. Here, we've got a special offer on.
10:14Don't you want your free packet?
10:18See? He's talking about crisps. They've got an offer on crisps.
10:21That is exactly what Mr Big...
10:24Oh, shut up!
10:30You all right, girl?
10:32What are you doing over here, you stupid old bastard?
10:35I warned you, gov.
10:38Er, it's the monthly menstrual madness.
10:41My third fiancée was just the same when she was clearing the baby pantry of the eggs past their used-by bank.
10:50Terry!
10:52Yeah, Steve's right, Terry. Try and be a little bit sensitive.
10:55All right. Time to turn on!
10:59The old book's charm.
11:00Hello, darling.
11:04I like your hair.
11:09Bamby?
11:11Cheer up love might never happen.
11:13Oh, well, if the cheer up love it might never happen approach doesn't work.
11:18She's beyond help.
11:19For pity's sake, girl.
11:21Snap out of it!
11:23Snap out of it!
11:24Snap out of it!
11:26Snap out of it!
11:28Snap out of it!
11:30Have you ever seen Stakeout 2?
11:32Another Stakeout?
11:33No.
11:35Wasn't as good at you.
11:37Come on, girl.
11:38I admire you Aussies.
11:39You're beautiful people, aren't you?
11:40Hmm?
11:41You're bred for bar work, aren't you?
11:42Yeah?
11:43It's instinct, isn't it?
11:44Yeah?
11:45Instinct.
11:48No, you're fantastic people.
11:49I mean, you get straight to the point, don't you?
11:51Don't piss about.
11:52I mean, look at their TV programs, eh?
11:54I mean, Neighbours.
11:55What's that about, eh?
11:56It's about Neighbours.
11:58Exactly.
11:59It's about Neighbours, so they called it Neighbours.
12:01Don't piss about in Australia.
12:03Young Doctors.
12:04What's that about, eh?
12:06Doctors who are young.
12:07Exactly.
12:08Yeah.
12:09They don't.
12:10It's about flying doctors.
12:11What's that about?
12:12Doctors that can fly?
12:14That's right, too.
12:15I'll get it.
12:16I'll get it.
12:17Yeah.
12:18But there's a joker in the pack, isn't there?
12:19Eh?
12:20Home and away.
12:22It's not about football matches, is it, love?
12:25Your Aussie logic has let you down.
12:28Apart from that, you're a good people, sweetheart.
12:30You are.
12:31After all, we made you.
12:32On the blob.
12:33That's another bloke leaving without buying his crisps.
12:35Oh, God.
12:36That's Billy No-Mate's fault, isn't it?
12:37Yeah?
12:38They come in here, see him, think this is a pub for losers.
12:39Oi, Billy.
12:40You can't just sit there making one drink last all day.
12:41This isn't a hangout for dossers.
12:42Either you buy a pint or you get out.
12:43Don't even think about a granddaddy and old people, you understand?
12:44You were lucky this time.
12:45I only have to be lucky once.
12:46That was nice, please.
12:47Ha!
12:48We don't serve Stanton in this pub.
12:49Never will.
12:50What's that type of thing?
12:51That's what you're saying?
12:52That's what Billy No-Mate's fault, isn't it?
12:53That's what Billy No-Mate's fault, isn't it?
12:54Yeah?
12:55They come in here, see him, think this is a pub for losers.
12:56Oi!
12:57Billy!
12:58You can't just sit there making one drink last all day.
12:59This isn't a hangout for dossers.
13:00Either you buy a pint or you get out.
13:02Don't even think about a granddaddy and old people, you understand?
13:03You were lucky this time.
13:05I only have to be lucky once.
13:13Right there.
13:17What a win!
13:19I'll have a pint of lager, then.
13:22Don't worry, Billy, mate.
13:24The stream-tailed mouse is getting fat in its eyes.
13:33If they're not dealing it, they definitely will be all taking it.
13:38I hate to say it, mate, you're right.
13:40This job is boring.
13:42Richard Dreyfuss lied to me.
13:44This lot is just a load of nutcases.
13:46Well done, son.
13:47Only 30 more years to retirement for you.
13:51I've only got one little regret about my retirement.
13:55It's that the notorious train station Flasher eluded us.
14:00We never catch him.
14:01Have you seen what he sent us now?
14:03So, my foolish policeman friends, it's clear that I'm still at large.
14:10And oh, how large.
14:13I get so close to finding out Tuesday that you let me slip away from right beneath your stupid noses.
14:20Look, that's the 15th bloke who's coming here and left before having his crisps.
14:28It's another.
14:29I know what's going on.
14:30It's obvious, isn't it?
14:31Old bloke comes in, he says to Billy,
14:33Eh, this free crisp deal, it sounds too good to be true.
14:36You've been jigging in here.
14:37What's going on?
14:38What's the catch?
14:39To which Billy replies,
14:40Oh no, it's a con.
14:41They're 15 years old and out of date and mouldy.
14:43Best thing you look.
14:44To which old bloke he replies,
14:45Straight up.
14:46Oh, thanks mate.
14:47Here, here's a fiver for saving me some cash.
14:49Oh, thanks, says Billy.
14:50Here.
14:51Oh, and on your way out, could you get rid of one of my crisps for me?
14:53You know, chuck it away.
14:54Thanks.
14:55Bye.
14:56Bye.
14:57I know your game, sunshine.
14:59Eh?
15:00I know exactly what's going on.
15:01I don't like it one bit.
15:02All right, don't make a fuss.
15:03I'll tell you what,
15:04if you keep your mouth shut, I'll cut the end.
15:05Eh?
15:06I'm prepared to pay for your silence.
15:08Hmm.
15:11Goodbye, little piggy-wees.
15:14You'll never catch me.
15:16Bastard!
15:17Oh, Christ!
15:18What's this?
15:19It's like a crystal landlock guy.
15:21No, these are not police.
15:22What the hell is it?
15:23So, you're saying to me that for every bloke who comes in here,
15:27talks to you and leaves without buying a drink,
15:29you'll give me money?
15:31Look at where you put that.
15:32We speak the same language.
15:33Yeah, well, we have to.
15:34Anyone not speaking English is barred.
15:36You know, Billy, I had you all wrong, mate.
15:40Yeah, tell you what, you've got to have your crisps.
15:42No, no, no, no.
15:43Let me give you a crisps.
15:44No, no, no, no.
15:45I insist.
15:46Stephen!
15:47Hey!
15:48My crisps!
15:49My beautiful raw crisps!
15:50Oh, my God.
15:51Oh, let me see.
15:52It's some new kind of drug.
15:54He's selling it over the counter in crisps packets.
15:57Oh, it's so simple.
15:59It's brilliant.
16:00I told you.
16:01Don't you start trying to take the glory on this one, Lord.
16:04This is my baby.
16:05Let's send the boys in right now.
16:07This is unbelievable.
16:09What a day.
16:10It's pure profit,
16:11and we haven't even had to pour the drinks.
16:13Oh, on a day like today,
16:15absolutely nothing could possibly go wrong.
16:19See?
16:20Drink to everyone.
16:21On the arse!
16:22Oh, come on, Janet.
16:23Have a lovely pint of Wonga Donga Doodle-Rong from back home in Oz to cheer you up.
16:39Nothing can cheer her up, Gov.
16:42It's the monthly removal of redundant ovarian tissue.
16:46Terry, that was a technical description.
16:51Not even an amusing euphemism.
16:53All right.
16:54I can't keep them coming all day.
16:56Not fucking Oscar Wilde!
16:59Well, that's the pity.
17:01What is wrong with you, girl?
17:05Do you want to know what's wrong with me?
17:08Do you?
17:09I hate this shit-ass country, that's what.
17:12Everyone's so miserable and unhelpful and unwelcoming.
17:15There's no friendship, no civility.
17:18It's freezing bloody cold all the time.
17:20Customer service is terrible.
17:22Do you know, they're not even courteous enough to pack your bags for you in the supermarket.
17:26Not that that matters, because all your pommie food's so revolting you wouldn't want to eat it anyway.
17:30And everyone on TV here is so bloody ugly.
17:34There's roundabouts everywhere but nowhere to park.
17:37No one wears bike helmets or seat belts.
17:40Like you've got no respect for human life.
17:42You call yogurt yogurt.
17:44Your puppet transport sticks.
17:46It's dirty and unsafe.
17:48And you let the mental heal out to walk the streets in the cold and wet.
17:51This country's feral.
17:52It's fucking shocking.
17:53Honestly, you should just wipe it out and start again.
18:02Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
18:04And on top of all that, you're having your period.
18:07Oh, listen to me, you mix-up dog saliva.
18:11I am definitely not having my period.
18:14Oh, Christ, she's pregnant.
18:16Steve.
18:18I never touched her.
18:20I wouldn't dare.
18:21Oh, don't look at me.
18:22I am not pregnant.
18:24The chance would be a fine thing.
18:26And I am not on my period.
18:28Do you need some chocolate, lovey?
18:30No.
18:32Don't you get it?
18:33I miss my folks.
18:34I want to go home.
18:35Oh, she's homesick.
18:37I'm filling up.
18:38I am not homesick.
18:40I am hearsick.
18:41Yeah, well, you shouldn't dwell on it, sweetheart, should you?
18:44I mean, I miss my boy.
18:46Ha!
18:47Miss my boy.
18:48Ha!
18:49God, I miss him.
18:50Oh, my, ha, ha, ha.
18:51You don't hear me harping on about it now, do you?
18:53Just give me the money, homie.
18:54Let me get my plane ticket home.
18:56Hmm.
18:57At least let her ring home, gov.
18:59Let her speak to her folks.
19:01You do realise her folks live in Australia?
19:03Let her use the phone.
19:04Oh, go on, girl.
19:05Give him a ring.
19:06You mean it?
19:07Yeah.
19:08Only two minutes, mind.
19:09I'm not made of money.
19:10When I say hang up, you hang up.
19:11Thanks, guv.
19:12Pull it here.
19:13She called me guv.
19:14She called me guv.
19:15Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
19:16What a brilliant day, son.
19:17Hey, we've done more business today than the whole of the past month.
19:21Ms Jackson and the firm are threatening to hang my balls out to dry if things didn't improve,
19:26but now they can have all the money they want and I get to keep my testicles.
19:29What a brilliant day, son.
19:34Hey, we've done more business today than the whole of the past month.
19:37Ms Jackson, the firm, have threatened to hang my balls out to dry if things didn't improve,
19:41but now they can have all the money they want, and I get to keep my testicles.
19:45She'll be here in a minute, the poor love.
19:47Howdy, Alan. This is better than I thought. The pub landlord's only a pawn in this too.
19:51Your Mr Big is a Ms Jackson.
19:53Cancel that command. Repeat. Cancel that command.
19:56Hey, I want to be down there for this. Me last ever case. I'll be a bloody hero.
20:02Do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
20:07Wait a minute. I recognise you.
20:11You're that Welsh bloke who gave me the magic mushrooms.
20:15I'm not Welsh.
20:16Then why are you talking a Welsh accent?
20:18Anyway, those magic mushrooms weren't magic at all. I want my bell back.
20:23Is that a time? I'd better go.
20:24Now, wait a minute.
20:26Yes. Justice.
20:28In your face.
20:30And don't come back.
20:32Hello.
20:32Hello.
20:41All right.
20:43I've heard he can keep the bloody table.
20:46Hey.
20:46Oh, did you find me?
20:50I want this place searched from top to bottom. Leave no stone up to him. Go, go, go, go, go, go.
20:55Yeah.
20:56Oh, jeez. Is that the time? I've been on the phone two and a half hours. Yeah, yeah, all right. Yeah, yeah. See ya. Bye.
21:07Oh, jeez, is that the time?
21:12I've been on the phone two and a half hours.
21:15Yeah, yeah, all right, yeah, yeah.
21:16See you, bye.
21:17Oh, thanks a lot, BH.
21:19I'll be a whole lot better.
21:20I spoke to Leanne and Shane and Jaden and Bluey the Dolls.
21:24Hello?
21:25Where'd everyone go?
21:29Hi there.
21:31Nearly got knocked off my bike by a bus at the roundabout.
21:34Horrible weather, isn't it?
21:36I've just been to the supermarket.
21:38Don't you hate the way they won't pack your bags?
21:40It's really feral.
21:42Crush my yogurt.
21:49All right, Vicky, there's no use denying it.
21:51We know all about the drugs.
21:53Why don't you stop me to it?
21:55All right, all right.
21:56I smoked one marijuana at university,
21:58but I didn't inhale, honestly.
22:00We know all about the drugs.
22:01We know all about the drugs.
22:02We know all about the drugs.
22:02We know all about the drugs.
22:03We know all about the drugs.
22:03We know all about the drugs.
22:04We know all about the drugs.
22:05We know all about the drugs.
22:05We know all about the drugs.
22:06We know all about the drugs.
22:06We know all about the drugs.
22:07We know all about the drugs.
22:07We know all about the drugs.
22:08We know all about the drugs.
22:09We know all about the drugs.
22:09We know all about the drugs.
22:10We know all about the drugs.
22:11We know all about the drugs.
22:11We know all about the drugs.
22:12We know all about the drugs.
22:13We know all about the drugs.
22:14We know all about the drugs.
22:15We know all about the drugs.