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00:00www.larky-larky-larky
00:30www.larky-larky-larky
01:00we're not open
01:02and of course today is the day
01:04of the secret bar steward's annual invitation only
01:06ball all the landlords in the land
01:08will be lording it up at some secret
01:10location in the countryside
01:11god knows what practices they're getting up to
01:13oh what do they do
01:15but i can't go i couldn't be a member
01:17my toilets didn't cut the mustard
01:19always yellow never brown
01:21for any sake
01:24you bloody alcoholic
01:25hello
01:27Miss Jackson.
01:28Are you OK, Governor?
01:29Of course I am. There's nothing wrong with me.
01:31All my hands.
01:34What are you doing here so early, anyway?
01:36On your way to the secret bar steward's annual invitation only ball.
01:40I don't know what you're talking about.
01:41I just came to give you this.
01:43It's a novelty egg mayonnaise flavoured condom machine.
01:48Flavoured condoms?
01:49I'm not having that in here. Not in my gaff.
01:51I mean, the whole point of a penis tasting nasty
01:53is to remind people not to put it in their mouths.
01:56They're the same as stout.
01:58If God had intended our penis is to taste of egg mayonnaise, then...
02:01Oh.
02:04Yes, well, I'd best be off.
02:05What, checking up on all the other pubs, eh?
02:07No, no, they're all closed today.
02:09Oh.
02:10For some reason.
02:11I don't like to be, woman.
02:13You're going to the secret bar steward's annual invitation only ball, aren't you?
02:16Governor, I promise you on my life
02:19I'm not going to any secret bar steward's annual invitation only ball.
02:23Come on, Vicky, hurry up,
02:25or we'll be late for the secret bar steward.
02:26And your invitation only ball.
02:29Barry, it's supposed to be a secret.
02:30Will you just wait in the car, like I said?
02:32But Mike and Dave, they need to spend a penny.
02:35It's a long journey down to Filthyfoot Hall in Somerset.
02:39You've just disclosed the secret location.
02:42Well, it doesn't matter.
02:43Nobody can get it if they haven't got the secret password.
02:46Oh, what is the secret password?
02:48Don't tell him, Dave.
02:49Don't tell him what?
02:50Don't tell him the password's beer.
02:52Ha-ha!
02:52Beer!
02:54Michael, you oaf.
02:55Don't try and follow us, Governor.
02:57If any interlopers are discovered at the secret bar steward's annual invitation only ball,
03:01the consequences will be dire in the extreme.
03:05Now, doodaloo, I'll wait in the car while you answer your calls of nature.
03:08Leave the bags there, lads.
03:11We don't want them splashed like last time, eh, Mike?
03:14Sorry.
03:18So, Uncle Barry, off to the ball.
03:20I'll bet it's a marvellous do.
03:22What happens?
03:23I'm not allowed to say.
03:24Oh, please.
03:26Oh, all right.
03:28It's a veritable cornucopia of twisted erotica.
03:33An orgy of bacchanalian proportions.
03:36Or, in short, nothing else but a glorious fuck pit.
03:45But, Uncle Barry, you're a recovering sexaholic.
03:48Yes, but for one night only, the laws of morality are suspended.
03:54And you can distort yourself howsoever you wish.
03:57I only wish you could see it, but you have to have the right costume to be allowed in.
04:08And I don't know where on earth you're going to get a costume like that.
04:12I don't know.
04:14Where would I get a costume like that?
04:16It's in the bag.
04:18Ha, there you are, boys.
04:43Here's your bags.
04:43Have fun.
04:47Wherever it is you're going, eh?
04:51Beer.
04:56Good old Uncle Barry, eh?
04:58Right.
05:00Let's have a look at this.
05:05Oh.
05:06Jesus Christ.
05:08Holy cross.
05:10What's the word?
05:10Oh.
05:30Oh.
05:30Oh.
05:30Oh.
05:31Oh.
05:32Oh.
05:33Oh.
05:34Oh.
05:34Oh.
05:35Oh.
05:35Oh.
05:36Oh.
05:36Oh.
05:36Oh.
05:37Oh, my God.
06:07Yes, sir?
06:19Beer!
06:21Drive on, sir.
06:37Beer!
06:57Oh, the planet, look at it!
07:00Oh, crikey!
07:02Oh, steady on, mate.
07:03You'll have someone's eye out with that.
07:05Blimey, nice place you've got here, eh?
07:08Right.
07:09Oh, drink!
07:10Drink!
07:11Drink!
07:12Drink!
07:12Drink!
07:14Yeah!
07:16Back pressure build-up!
07:19Something the matter, sir?
07:20Oh, no, no, not at all.
07:22Yeah, it's a lovely big place you've got here, isn't it?
07:23Eh?
07:24But that's all right.
07:25You posh people, you need your bigger houses, don't you?
07:27Because you've got more stuff.
07:28Stands to reason, eh?
07:29Ha, ha, ha, ha!
07:33Oh, my God, look at it!
07:37So this is what those bar-steward bastards get up to, eh?
07:40Oh, it's sick, sick, sick, I tell you!
07:43But how could something that feels so wrong be so right?
07:46I want to!
07:47And I can!
07:50Come on, drink, sir.
07:51Oh, yeah, pint for the fella, please.
07:54What?
07:57Normally.
07:58But what was it Uncle Barry said?
07:59The laws of morality are suspended.
08:01Eh, a white wine, I think.
08:04Wise choice, sir.
08:06Cheers!
08:10Ah!
08:11Grr!
08:12Grr!
08:12Grr!
08:13Grr!
08:14Delicious!
08:18How terribly amusing.
08:20For a moment there, we were all rather afraid that you weren't,
08:24how can I put it, one of us.
08:27Well, I'm not.
08:28Well, no, I mean, I am.
08:29I am one of you, of course I am.
08:31I've got all the gear and everything, and it's mine,
08:33and I didn't steal it and substitute it for a dog's blanket.
08:36My dear, sir, I never suggested you did.
08:38Good, because I didn't.
08:40And I know the password, and everything, it's beer.
08:42Yeah, beer, see?
08:43Would you care to join us?
08:45Why, thank you, Your Honour, yeah.
08:48Welcome, stranger.
08:50Evening.
08:51Oh, dear, look at the chunky monkey there, eh?
08:52Had a few too many, has he?
08:54I wonder what it would cost to clad him in stealth material, eh?
08:59What an hilarious man.
09:02I'm so glad we've met.
09:04Oh, well, it's nice to meet you too.
09:06Bye.
09:06No name, stranger, not tonight, for only behind the mask of anonymity may we gratify our twisted losses.
09:15Yeah, yeah, whatever, chief.
09:17Ah!
09:17Now is the time.
09:23Time to pour the pint cosmic.
09:27You, my brother in beer, you have impressed us so much with your wits, the Honour shall fall to you.
09:31Oh, yes, please.
09:32Oh, no.
09:34Parman's hand.
09:37I couldn't possibly.
09:42It's turned down the Honour of pouring the pint cosmic is punishable by death.
09:46Ah, well, er, obviously I was joking.
09:51He was joking.
09:58What a witty man.
10:00Must pull.
10:01Pint.
10:06Oh, what?
10:07My byman's hand.
10:09The respect of my peers has cured me.
10:11Ha, ha.
10:11Look at that.
10:12A beautiful British pint, eh?
10:13It's not small, medium or large.
10:15It's not regular or king size.
10:17It's not a bargain bloody barky, is it?
10:19No.
10:19It's a pint.
10:20And it's one of ours.
10:21Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
10:24I do so love a man with a sense of humour.
10:26Be still, my aching sides, for fear I may forget myself.
10:32Really?
10:33Oh, cow!
10:35Still, two years.
10:38I never thought I'd meet a landlord that's my equal.
10:41But you truly are the king of beers.
10:43You are love.
10:45Ooh.
10:45Ooh.
10:47Why do you always have to embarrass us?
10:51Someone swapped my fancy costume for this dog blanket.
10:54And don't come crying to me if your eczema flares up again.
10:59Do you like quavers?
11:01Uh, yeah.
11:03And do you like twiglets?
11:05No.
11:06Well, my taste includes both quavers and twiglets.
11:12Oh.
11:12Very nice.
11:14Ooh, there's the waiter.
11:17Damn, too subtle.
11:19I've hooked the lager barrel up to the bitter tap.
11:21I've stirred in a bit of dog do out of the beer garden.
11:23Stirred all up nicely.
11:24The queen mother didn't even notice the difference.
11:26Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
11:28Yeah, well, we had one geezer in my pub as his birthday.
11:31Drank himself stupid.
11:32Passed out.
11:33Right?
11:33So what I did, suspected heart attack.
11:35What I did is I got a couple of steam irons from behind the bar.
11:37Heat them up.
11:38Whack them on his chest.
11:39Boom!
11:40Like that.
11:40Right as rain.
11:42You don't get that in the NHS, do you?
11:43I like you.
11:46You're a man's man.
11:47You want to get yourself down my gaff.
11:49Wednesday night, the women's five-aside team come in.
11:51We could change ends at half-time.
11:53And they won't be sucking oranges.
11:55Kaboosh!
11:56Kaboosh!
11:57What a fascinating man you are.
12:00Yeah.
12:01Well, uh, ooh, look, there's the waiter.
12:06Damn, still too subtle.
12:09It's like when we went to my mother's for Christmas
12:11and you got custard in your hair.
12:12I thought it was hair gel.
12:14Hair gel?
12:15In a bowl?
12:16On a dinner table?
12:17Next to the plum pie?
12:18Oh, Michael.
12:21It's a dog blanket, all right?
12:22He's wearing a blinking dog blanket.
12:24Hustle.
12:26I feel so ashamed.
12:30I'll quop another of your fine ales, stout yeoman.
12:33Bottoms up.
12:35You don't drink.
12:36Uh, normally.
12:38Eh?
12:39Pints.
12:39Normally, yeah.
12:40Ha, ha, ha.
12:41It must be great, that lager.
12:42After a whole lifetime of wine,
12:44ha, ha, ha.
12:44It's like your liver's finally discovered
12:46what it's really there for.
12:47Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
12:49Oh, this beer's going to my head.
12:51A man could take advantage.
12:54Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
12:57Go ahead, stranger.
12:59Uncle Barry, it's me.
13:02I knew you'd get in.
13:04You're doing fine.
13:05It's not you by the look of things.
13:06You'd best leave the lady after all.
13:09It would be more wrong than you could imagine.
13:11You could take over here, if you'd like.
13:15Then tuck in.
13:16Oh.
13:18Excuse me.
13:19Oh.
13:20I wonder if I might be so bold as to ask this young man for a dance.
13:25You're in a wheelchair.
13:27Oh, merely affectation.
13:29Does my duplicity disgust you?
13:32No.
13:33Look, why don't you ask this young lady here?
13:36I'm a terrible dancer.
13:37Too late, I'm afraid she's already going to be coming upstairs with us.
13:40Oh, yes.
13:41Apparently, there's going to be a party in my hair.
13:44And everyone's coming.
13:46Whatever that means.
13:48I'm so excited.
13:51Can I join?
13:52Of course you can.
13:53There's room for a little one.
13:55Who told you about that?
13:58Yeah, well, anyway.
13:59Wait until you see the size of my party, Popper.
14:01It's enormous.
14:02I'm implying I've got a massive cart.
14:04Oh.
14:05The streamers fly out of it.
14:07Oh, yes.
14:09Join us, friend.
14:10Oh, fantastic.
14:11This is it.
14:12I'm going to break my two-year duck.
14:13Shall we dance, stranger?
14:16I think we shall.
14:17Oh, my aching bollocks.
14:21Tell me, stranger.
14:23Do you like jacket potatoes?
14:26Yes.
14:27And do you like French fries?
14:29No, no, no.
14:30Not in my gaff.
14:30The clue's in the name, mate.
14:31Well, my taste includes both jacket potatoes and French fries.
14:38Eh?
14:39Oh, shut up and dance.
14:41Oh, God!
14:55So, do you like motorsport, then?
14:58Well, not really.
15:00Oh, I do.
15:00I love it.
15:00It's fantastic.
15:01Those boys go 200 miles an hour, yeah?
15:03Not 320 kilometers an hour.
15:05No.
15:05Oh, they might have the same speed, but I know which one's faster.
15:09Back off, Brussels.
15:13And then there was the incident at young Samuel's circumcision party.
15:17It looked like a gherkin.
15:19Come on.
15:19Quit leaving.
15:26Of course, see, the real problem with Formula One is it's not dangerous enough, is it?
15:30Indeed.
15:31Yeah.
15:31What they should do to make it more dangerous is they should privatise it.
15:34It's obvious.
15:35Yeah?
15:35The track belongs to someone else.
15:38Don't train the drivers.
15:39Get a load of old cars with doors that pop open at random.
15:43It'd be carnage.
15:45Now you interest me.
15:49Blimey, look at that!
15:52Oh, are you shocked by the Suffolk Act, delightful stranger?
15:56Hey!
15:57Women making love with the gayest of abandon.
16:00Does it shock you?
16:01Oh, no.
16:02Not at all, Skye.
16:03It's nice.
16:07Mind you, what them lesbians get up to, I'll never know.
16:09I mean, they've got two clitorises to find.
16:12Double the trouble.
16:14Poor loves.
16:15Hmm.
16:17Tell me, stranger.
16:18Do you like jelly?
16:20Yes.
16:21Why?
16:22Wait.
16:23And do you like blanc?
16:25No, no, no.
16:26It's French.
16:26Look, what's the point you're making it?
16:29Well, my taste...
16:30Yes, I know.
16:31Include both jelly and blanc.
16:32Look, I can't stand around here talking about dessert menus all night.
16:36There's an audience on, don't you know?
16:37Perhaps I'm not making myself clear.
16:39What I mean is...
16:41Oh!
16:43It's great to come with us.
16:44We need your help upstairs.
16:44You need my help?
16:46Yeah, sure.
16:47See you.
16:50Yeah, I'll tell you what.
16:51It's good to meet a landlord as good as me.
16:52As far as I'm concerned, all the others are just books.
16:55Well, to finish it, I'm going to tell you about my plans for a super pub.
16:58A pub so big, it requires two landlords.
17:01You know where they are, don't you?
17:02You and me.
17:03Oh, wow!
17:05I can't believe you came so quickly.
17:08Well, I'm sorry about that, darling, but it has never happened before.
17:11I was talking to the stranger there.
17:13Yeah, right, I knew that.
17:14Hello.
17:14Anyway, it's a chunky monkey here.
17:17He's got a bit overexcited.
17:18We think he's had a heart attack.
17:20Fat man at an orgy.
17:21What's he expect?
17:21He's only got himself to blame, eh?
17:23I've never remembered your amusing anecdote,
17:25so I sent somebody to find you while I washed my hair.
17:28I've prepared the irons.
17:30Thanks, Uncle Buck.
17:31Er, stranger.
17:32Right.
17:33Here goes.
17:34Stay clear.
17:44No, no, it's you!
17:46Ah!
17:48Ah!
17:49Ah!
17:49Tony!
17:50I think we'd better get you home before anything else goes wrong.
17:53Ah!
17:54Ah!
17:54Now look what you've done, Michael!
18:03It wasn't my fault.
18:06So, Governor, it was you all along.
18:08Oh, stranger.
18:10I might forget myself.
18:11A man could take advantage.
18:12Cow!
18:13Oh, I think I'm going to Bath.
18:16And you, Greg, when are we going to get any partnership, then, eh?
18:19Slops, you're in a lot of trouble.
18:22A very lot of trouble.
18:41Bring him forward.
18:43Forward he shall be brunged.
18:45Oh, come on!
18:45I got him fair and square.
18:46I need a password and everything.
18:47It's beer!
18:48Beer!
18:48Only because you told him, Michael.
18:50Silence.
18:51No names in this place.
18:53So, Slop, stranger.
18:55You've come inside our circle.
18:58Our circle which has been unbroken for generations.
19:01You have entered our unbroken ring.
19:04That's so Graham Norton.
19:06Do you watch that show?
19:07No!
19:09No, come on.
19:10I just wanted to be one of you to join your gang.
19:12You thought I was entertaining and witty earlier on.
19:14That was before we knew who you were, Slops.
19:16Keeper of innkeepers.
19:18Oh, that's me.
19:19Aye, aye, sir.
19:20Where's the appropriate punishment for this heinous crime?
19:22I don't know, really.
19:25I'm only here for the beer.
19:29It should be stripped of his gaff.
19:31Strip him of his gaff.
19:32His name should be taken down from above his door.
19:35Take down his name from above the door.
19:37He must forsake his belt and badge, never to handle nuts again.
19:41Never to handle nuts again.
19:42He must be hit about the head and face with a heavy object.
19:45The prick-teasing shit.
19:48The prick-teasing shit.
19:52Agent of this rule, be gone.
19:54Be gone.
19:55And now it is time to drink the pint of embarrassment.
19:59Oh, no, no, please.
20:01Oh, God.
20:03Oh, no.
20:04My barman's hand has returned.
20:06No, I've lost the respect of my peers.
20:08Oh, God.
20:09Help me, Greg.
20:10Please help me.
20:11Oh, yes, Slops.
20:12I'll help you, all right.
20:13Now drink.
20:15Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink.
20:25Little boys, good happen to anyone.
20:28As King Barstewart, I decree this man should never run a pub again.
20:32No!
20:33Unless, according to the laws of our ancient charter,
20:37there is but one amongst us who will accept an ordeal on his behalf.
20:43Very well, then.
20:49I declare...
20:49Wait!
20:51I will accept an ordeal on his behalf.
20:53Uncle Barry, I couldn't allow it.
20:55Oh, it's the least of far Uncle could do for his son...
20:58nephew.
21:00Oh, Uncle Barry.
21:01Very well, then.
21:03I declare the punishment will be
21:04you shall be whipped within half an inch of your life with wet beer towels.
21:07Oh, I thought it was just a case of drinking a yard of steak bite.
21:12I'll take the punishment.
21:15Punish me any way you like.
21:17Very well, then.
21:18Let the punishment commence.
21:20Ah!
21:21Oh, yes.
21:22Now it hurts!
21:24Go on, Angel.
21:24Stop it.
21:25Before I change my mind.
21:26It's all right.
21:27I don't want to join your secret society anyway.
21:29It's pathetic.
21:30It's just an excuse for a load of dirty old men
21:32to put their dirty old hands all over a load of hot, young, eager, lusty women.
21:41You should be ashamed of yourselves.
21:43This is why I became a landlord.
21:44No, I became a landlord to serve.
21:46To serve alcohol to alcoholics.
21:48Drink to drunks.
21:49Booze to boozers.
21:50Nuts to nutters.
21:51Crisps to cretins.
21:52Not to have an endless string of guilt-free sex with a load of nameless, faceless stranger's
21:57cuck-cuck-worn.
21:59Two years.
22:01You make much.
22:03You make me sick.
22:10Right, then.
22:11Who's for the big orgy?
22:12This cluster-like toad spawning in a summer pond.
22:18Kill boos!
22:22Tell me, stranger, do you like sausage rolls?
22:52And do you like scotch eggs?
22:59You do?
23:03Marvellous.
23:03Stop!
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