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00:00THE END
00:18Come on!
00:19Tear his face off!
00:21Yeah, go for the juggernaut!
00:23No, don't!
00:24You viscerate him!
00:26Gavin!
00:27Hello!
00:28Oh!
00:29Miss Jackson, you've just caught us doing a spot of intruder training.
00:35Oh, go for his sweetbreads!
00:37Shhh!
00:38Now!
00:39Eh?
00:40All right, Gary. Leave him be. Session over.
00:42Is that it? Am I bleeding?
00:44Is something like telling me what on earth is going on?
00:47The Gov's got it into his head that the pub is under threat from intruders.
00:51Too right I have. You can't be too careful these days.
00:54All those bloody asylum seekers coming over here taking our beggar's jobs.
00:58Leave my windscreen alone, eh?
01:00We have the finest poor people in the world, thank you very much.
01:04At this rate, you're going to have to build more bridges for them to live under.
01:07It's an outrage.
01:09They're not stopping in France, are they?
01:11No.
01:12Of course not.
01:13That's because the French eat frogs, snails and horses.
01:15It's disgusting.
01:16I mean, these asylum seekers, they're desperate, not stupid.
01:19Brown mustard!
01:20Calais is ours!
01:23Anywho, I haven't got time to stand around here nattering all day.
01:26Good.
01:27I've got a sanitary towel calamity up at the Scarlet Britches.
01:30Now, Governor, I assume you received the letter from the brewery about, er, Operation Infinite
01:36Horse Brass, the rustification of the Thacker's chain.
01:39I'll rustificate your chain if you like, Vicky.
01:43Terry, do you understand how words work?
01:47Sorry.
01:48And you too.
01:49I don't think you can rustify anything.
01:50You should be ashamed.
01:51Oh.
01:52Sorry.
01:53Um, so, Governor, the...
01:55countrification of...
01:56I'll countrificate you if you like, Vicky.
01:59Yeah, well, look, I understand what the brewery's trying to do.
02:01I mean, there's nothing finer than a country pub.
02:03Ah, the great British countryside.
02:06The slop of warm beer on cut grass.
02:08Old spinsters riding to church on their rickety old bisexuals.
02:14The thwack of willow on pallid buttery flesh.
02:19A rosy cheat yokel braining an otter with a spade.
02:23Witches burning on the village green.
02:27Three old men careering down a hill in a tin bath.
02:34Well, it's all things to all men.
02:35Oh, I love it.
02:36The Great Outdoors.
02:38Hm?
02:39And that's where it should stay.
02:40Outdoors!
02:42Who's in the name?
02:43Not inside my gaff.
02:45You do understand that this was no ordinary directive?
02:47Yeah, yeah, it was priority code omega-6.
02:50Direct from numero uno.
02:52My father.
02:53Ooh.
02:54So what will happen if we don't comply?
02:56Let me guess.
02:57Will the pub be blown up with high explosives, pulverized into brick dust,
03:00the brick dust loaded into a rocket fired into the heart of the sun?
03:02That's right, weather permitting.
03:04Yeah, of course.
03:05Have you complied with the checklist?
03:07Yeah, of course he has.
03:08Good.
03:09So you've got the lamb scratchings?
03:10Check.
03:12Cider with bits in?
03:13Check.
03:14You seem to have the barnyard smells.
03:24Nine bits in two.
03:29Right.
03:30Just one thing remaining.
03:31The unique item of authentic rustic charm.
03:33Where's that?
03:34Yeah.
03:35Here you go.
03:40Be gone, foul beast.
03:42The power of Christ compels you.
03:45Why leave it alone?
03:47It's beautiful, beautiful.
03:49I wouldn't mind stuffing it.
03:51Well, I'm impressed, Governor.
03:54Keep up with this level of commitment and obedience
03:56and you could be a top-ranking landlord.
03:58Really?
03:59Hmm.
04:00Give me little bass, make me wind up me waist,
04:02uptown top ranking.
04:04Tami-taki-danti.
04:05In a kakisu-danti.
04:06Do you remember that song?
04:07No.
04:08So, does this mean that I'm going to get my...
04:11Carvery?
04:12No, not yet.
04:13The brewery's not made of money.
04:14No, it's made of the blood, sweat and tears
04:15of a thousand generations of landlords.
04:16And bricks!
04:17And the Carvery installation costs £19,628.53.
04:19.
04:34That's a very precise figure.
04:37The business of running a brewery is a very precise science.
04:40Oh, I dunno, it's hardly racket surgery.
04:45Anywho, I got to skedaddle those tampons.
04:47Tampons won't unclog themselves.
04:50Cow!
04:52Cow!
04:54Here, go. I think that bird fancies me.
04:58Keeps looking down my top.
05:01So, this sickening trophy is going to turn this dump into a quaint little country pub, is it?
05:06Oh, I think so.
05:08I expect the Lord and Lady of the Manor may well grace us with their presents.
05:13So, that would be the Lord and Lady of the Chemical Works, then?
05:17Well, certainly a better class of customer than this sickening shower.
05:21They'll flood in here like flies round shit.
05:30You see? Hundreds of extra paying customers.
05:35Hundreds?
05:37Dozens of extra.
05:39Look at the pub, the people in it.
05:42Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Oh.
05:46I've six of extra paying customers.
05:49I'm a genius.
05:50I have to say, this idea of mine to turn a pub into a country gaff, it's dynamite. Brilliant!
05:55But, Gov, you hated the idea.
05:58You're right.
05:59I can't take total credit.
06:00We've got this little fella to thank as well.
06:02You know, I'm really starting to take to him.
06:03Oh.
06:04I miss my point, that's all.
06:06Well, it's still disgusting.
06:09It's against nature.
06:10It is nature, you stupid old turd.
06:14It is cruel using this formerly noble beast
06:16in a degrading parody of life
06:18to attract these bloodthirsty maniacs.
06:20They're barbaric, you know,
06:22like teaching dogs to frighten sheep
06:24and like chaining hens to radiators
06:26and riding pigs and...
06:27Listen, love, it's just the way things are.
06:30They're country folk with country ways, isn't they?
06:33Yeah, so what if they're not sentimental about animals?
06:35I mean, you, you think of yourself as a friend to cows, don't you?
06:38But cows are not worthy of your friendship.
06:40No, love.
06:40They're idiots.
06:41No, of course they are.
06:42I mean, what sort of camouflage is that, eh?
06:45Black and white like that.
06:47Tell me, where can a cow hide, eh?
06:49Open cast coal mine with thawing snow.
06:52Yeah, obviously.
06:54Cows are idiots.
06:55Exactly.
06:55The only place a cow can hide is amongst other cows.
06:59Idiots.
07:00Yeah, not worthy of your friendship.
07:02I had a cow as a lad.
07:04Now, he was an idiot.
07:07They only give milk, you know.
07:09Not ginger beer.
07:11No matter how much ginger you give them.
07:14What a waste of stomachs.
07:16Shut up, you poor old ninny.
07:19And another thing,
07:20they say that it's all right to kill foxes
07:21because they eat up all the hens and the lambs.
07:23That's right.
07:24That's what we say.
07:26Yeah, but think about it.
07:27Humans eat hens and lambs.
07:28So what, should we just, like,
07:29set packs of dogs on humans as well, then?
07:31Yeah.
07:32Well, yeah.
07:33That's why I'm training up Gary
07:34to attack intruders on sight.
07:36Oh, dear.
07:37Now, what would you like, sir?
07:39A pint of Thackeray's
07:40and a white wine, please.
07:41Oh, an excellent choice, sir.
07:43Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
07:45Excuse me.
07:47Ah!
07:47Ah!
07:48Damn these useless hens.
07:50Look at me.
07:51Don't look at me.
07:53Connie, would you get the gentleman's drink, please?
07:55And would the gentleman like a slice of Baby Beal's face for that as well?
07:58No, thanks.
07:59But, er, I'm full up with fots.
08:02They're barely human.
08:05Da-da!
08:07And speaking of barely human...
08:10Oi! Get out of it.
08:12Oh, it is lucky this time. I only have to be lucky once.
08:16That is an unusual array of winter treats around your waist.
08:21Yeah, but your worm's all worn and twisted.
08:24Who told you about that?
08:27Oi! You can't bring your own snacks in here.
08:29Oi, don't worry, Gov. It's for the little birds.
08:32All cold and lonely in the wintertime.
08:34Oh, you've got an art of gold to you. I'm filling up.
08:37I'm the ragged, trousered philandromy.
08:40Why are they all round your... winky?
08:43Could I really wear them round his neck, could he, Crosby? He'd look ridiculous.
08:46Yeah. Yeah, that's why.
08:49They want it.
08:51Pipe, please, Steve.
08:53I say.
08:55Oh, God, look at that bearded bumpkin ogling me. They're no better than the animals they torture.
08:59Excuse me, would you mind not treating me like a piece of meat?
09:02I'm terribly sorry. I was just admiring your magnificent Frasianus colchikus.
09:06All right, yeah, I know they are magnificent, but that does not give you the right to stare at them.
09:10Connie, remember the carvery. Let him have a look if he wants.
09:13I do believe it is. I'm certain of it.
09:17What?
09:18Does this gorgeous specimen belong to you?
09:20He does. He's my pride and joy.
09:23I'm not surprised. Do you know what you have here?
09:25An unholy abomination against the baby Jesus.
09:29Not to talk about that, was it?
09:31This wattle gives it away.
09:32The what?
09:33The wattle.
09:34The what?
09:35The wattle.
09:36The what?
09:37The wattle.
09:38The what?
09:39The wattle.
09:40This reddened, fleshy protuberance below the beak.
09:43Oh.
09:44The only known pheasant with a wattle was the renowned Osborne pheasant.
09:52And this, unless I am very much mistaken, is he.
09:54Well, what's the big deal with this Osborne pheasant, then?
09:56Was it not the pheasant that pecked the doctor in Doctor Who and the Beak of Fear?
10:01Oh, grow up!
10:02No, that was the moongoose.
10:03Oh, grow up!
10:05The Osborne pheasant was strangled and stuffed by Prince Albert himself.
10:12Who's Prince Albert?
10:15Typical gentry, savages.
10:18He was acting in self-defence.
10:20It had swallowed his ring.
10:22The dirty bird.
10:24What?
10:25His wedding ring?
10:27No, his, um...
10:29Prince Albert ring.
10:32The what?
10:33Prince Albert's Prince Albert.
10:36What's he on about?
10:38I don't understand.
10:39Prince Albert had the famous eponymous ring inserted through his...
10:42Portnall Brandy-Prof.
10:43Not in front of the child.
10:45She's so innocent.
10:46Bored to you.
10:47I still don't understand.
10:49He's talking about a cock ring.
10:51Burner!
10:52Prince Albert had his penis pierced with the ring with a small chain attached so it didn't spoil the fit of his uniform.
10:59And the practice became known as a Prince Albert.
11:01She's quite correct.
11:02How do you know?
11:03How do you know?
11:04I did Victorian penises last term.
11:06Besides, one of my boyfriends had it done.
11:10Yeah, but how do you know that he'd...
11:13The Prince Albert was never found and is believed to be still inside the bird.
11:24It is rumoured to be worth approximately £19,628.53.
11:30That's a very precise figure.
11:33But that's the exact same price of a...
11:36A carberry!
11:39Right, how are you?
11:43Oi, leave her alone!
11:44I saw her first.
11:45Oh, beautiful little bird, did you fly to me on angels' wings to make a gift of my beloved carberry to me?
11:59Are you talking to my bird, Gav?
12:01How exactly did the Prince Albert get in there?
12:05Oh, I think I can guess.
12:07A beak's a mouth.
12:10Typical oppressed Victorian man.
12:12Church in the morning, murdering whores in the evening.
12:15They all did it, you know.
12:16The two acts cancel each other out.
12:18Prince Albert was a great man.
12:20Yeah, he was a German.
12:22Well, yeah, he was a German at first, Terry.
12:24But he saw the error of his ways, turned his back on the bratwurst.
12:28He was even willing to marry Queen Victoria to become English.
12:31She was no oil painting.
12:33He must have really wanted to be English to marry that old trout.
12:37Toast to Prince Albert, then.
12:39Yeah, and his romantic misfortune.
12:42Where are they, slops?
12:43Now, Gary, intruder alert. Attack pattern alpha.
12:47Hello, boy.
12:48Good boy.
12:49This can't work for me, sir, and you're wasted here.
12:52Greg Thompson, what an unexpected pleasure.
12:55Hello, Sloppy Chops.
12:56This country gaff scheme has made me a mint.
12:58Our gaff looks fantastic.
13:00You should come along and see it, Connie.
13:02I've got a massive cock.
13:04You know, you're not implying you've got a massive cock
13:08by saying you've got a massive cock.
13:09You're just saying you've got a massive cock.
13:11No.
13:12No, I mean, really, I've got a massive, magnificent stuffed rooster on my butt.
13:16Oh, that sounds blinding.
13:18It does.
13:19All the posh snobs are pouring in from their country pals.
13:22But the biggest, baddest snob of all is behind the bar.
13:25In my trousers.
13:27Now I'm implying I've got a massive cock.
13:31No!
13:33And all these dirty posh birds are gagging for a bit of rough.
13:37And Gregory!
13:39Well, my fucking hell.
13:40I, too, have acquired a potent symbol of the freedom of the English countryside.
13:47Yeah, that's right.
13:48And it's a genuine royal heirloom.
13:50For this bird was strangled by Prince Albert's very own English.
13:53German!
13:54English!
13:55German!
13:56German!
13:57English!
13:58German!
13:59German!
14:00German!
14:01German!
14:02German!
14:03Behold, if you will, the magnificent Osborne the Pheasant!
14:07Aww!
14:08Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
14:11Is that it, sloppy chops?
14:13Is that what you've got?
14:14When are you going to learn I'm the best?
14:16Come on, girls.
14:17Let's see if those wax jackets really are splash-proof.
14:20Oh, Mr Hagrid!
14:22Hold on.
14:23Where are you going?
14:24Where are you going with your pocket-stuffling of EU farming subsidies?
14:28Oh!
14:29Back off, Brussels!
14:30Get back in here!
14:31I'm sorry, old chap.
14:32I can't put my finger on it, but it just doesn't seem the same in here any more.
14:36Ho, ho, ho!
14:37It too, Terry.
14:38Oh, well, Cal, no, no.
14:40I've just got to go and see a dog about a bird.
14:43Oh, what species?
14:46Oh, bum!
14:52Why do they all leave me?
14:55Why?
14:56That's my wife, my boy, Janet, Marty.
15:00Martin!
15:01Dave-O!
15:02Steve!
15:03When Steve come back?
15:04Oh, God!
15:05Tina!
15:06The gentry!
15:07My lovely little pheasant!
15:09Oh, I'm so alone!
15:11The bird hasn't left you, Gov, has he?
15:15I mean, why would he leave his leg behind like that?
15:18He must have been stolen.
15:20Stolen?
15:21Yeah, stolen!
15:22Think about it.
15:23Everybody's got a motive.
15:24Yeah, yeah, they have.
15:25I could track down the criminal, Gov, like a detective.
15:28I could be a detective!
15:30Like Bergerac.
15:31No, you're nothing like Bergerac.
15:33For a start, mate, he was French.
15:35No, he wasn't.
15:36Yes, he was.
15:37Say his name.
15:38Bergerac.
15:39Well, you're right.
15:40No point being a detective in France, anyway.
15:42It's a lawless country.
15:43Most lawless country in the world.
15:44You have your work cut out, arresting everyone for driving on the wrong side of the road,
15:46for starters.
15:47I will not sleep until I've brought this criminal to justice.
15:52Yeah.
15:53Well, you can do what you like, Crosby.
15:54But that pheasant and the carver it would have bought me are coming out of your wages.
15:59All right, everyone.
16:00Stop what you're doing.
16:01Stay exactly where you are.
16:02Nobody move a muscle.
16:03It is my belief there is a master criminal somewhere in this very room.
16:06Oh, I knew this day would come.
16:07I will tell you everything.
16:08What shall I start with?
16:09You, Croft.
16:10You took my pheasant.
16:11Oh, I knew this day would come.
16:13I will tell you everything.
16:14What shall I start with?
16:15You, Croft.
16:16You took my pheasant.
16:17Oh, I knew this day would come.
16:18I will tell you everything.
16:19What shall I start with?
16:20You, Croft.
16:21You took my pheasant.
16:22Ah.
16:23No.
16:24Not that.
16:25Of course not.
16:26Because my primary suspect is one Terry Leslie Brooks.
16:32You master of disguise.
16:35I'm not him.
16:37Look at my face.
16:38It's a fixture.
16:40Terry disappeared.
16:43About the time that the pheasant went missing.
16:46Coincidence?
16:47Or something more sinister?
16:49Coincidence, you donut.
16:50Terry may well be a sex pest pervert and borderline nonce.
16:54But he's a moral man who draws the line at stealing.
16:57Which is precisely why I needed to eliminate him from my inquiries.
17:02The real perp is the old geezer.
17:05It's not me.
17:07He's lying, Gov.
17:08What have you done with it, you slag?
17:10My old man's here.
17:12What are you doing, Crosby?
17:13I'm being bad cop, Gov.
17:14Well, leave it out, will you?
17:15The old fella couldn't have done it.
17:16Old man, what's commandment number eight?
17:17Thou shalt not steal.
17:18See?
17:19Affirmative, mistress.
17:20His Christian logic circuits would render such an action impossible.
17:23Which is exactly what I was just about to say.
17:24Because the real thief is none other than our old friend, the professor.
17:29What a ludicrous theorem.
17:30I rather liked that bird.
17:31Having a carcass around gave the place a homely atmosphere.
17:32That's all very well, Professor.
17:33But can you account for your whereabouts at 1,500 hours on this, the today in here?
17:34Yes, sir.
17:35What a ludicrous theorem.
17:36I rather liked that bird.
17:37Having a carcass around gave the place a homely atmosphere.
17:39That's all very well, Professor.
17:40But can you account for your whereabouts at 1,500 hours on this, the today in here?
17:57According to my log, I was here on my stools. I'm 2.2 metres from the bird.
18:02Oi, prof.
18:03No, my cheek.
18:04And tell me.
18:05Prof, I saw.
18:06How long are your arms?
18:07Oh, approximately 60 centimetres.
18:08Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
18:0923.6 inches.
18:10Exactly.
18:11Considerably less than the distance from his shoulder to the pheasant, Inspector Faggot.
18:16Thank you for proving his innocence, Connie, which is exactly what I wanted you to do.
18:27You've fallen into my trap because my suspect is you!
18:31She couldn't do it.
18:32So innocent.
18:33So pure.
18:34It must be her, Gov.
18:35Remember, I read a lot of true crime.
18:36It's always the one you least suspect.
18:37Not in real life, it ain't.
18:38In real life, it's always the one you most suspect.
18:39Smoke.
18:40Fire.
18:41And, er, what motive could I have for wanting to steal a disgusting dead bird, then?
18:54Erm, you wanted the Prince Albert for one of your boyfriend's winkies.
18:59I don't think so.
19:00Genital piercing is so ten years ago.
19:03Right, I did criminology last time and the first thing you need to establish is opportunity
19:07and motive.
19:08So, who was the closest to the pheasant at the time it disappeared?
19:11It was me.
19:12And he had the least amount of money and thus the most to gain?
19:15Me!
19:16I, the Governor, £19,628.53.
19:20That's a very precise figure.
19:22The exact value of the Prince Albert.
19:24You are right.
19:26I've got it.
19:27The thief has to be... me.
19:32I knew you'd get him in the end, Stephen.
19:34Well done.
19:35Thanks, good, but I'd never have guessed it was me.
19:37The detective did it.
19:39That'd make a great play.
19:41Don't be ridiculous.
19:42But I didn't did it!
19:44I've been framed!
19:45I'm a pasty.
19:47Yeah, it does seem a bit too simple.
19:50There must be somebody we're overlooking.
19:52Duh!
19:54Harry, of course.
19:57Yeah, but Terry's not a pheasant plucker.
19:59No, I'm a pleasant fucker's son.
20:04So, how do you explain the feathers?
20:06Oh, you got me there.
20:09A deducted tour de France.
20:11Terry, you took my bird.
20:13I'm sorry, mate, but I'm going to have to bar you.
20:15Barred?
20:16But I ain't even done nothing to Gary.
20:21Wait a minute.
20:22Gary's got a pheasant, hasn't he?
20:24Yeah, yeah, we know.
20:25Oh, Gary, my beautiful bird.
20:27How could you?
20:28Well, you did train him up as an attack dog.
20:30The poor thing must have got a taste for flesh.
20:32Yeah.
20:34Good boy.
20:36Oh, dear, Gary, what am I going to do?
20:38I can hardly employ a criminal animal.
20:40Oh, Gary, I never thought I'd say this, mate, but...
20:42You're barred!
20:45You're barred!
21:01Why do they all leave me? Why?
21:03Well, you must be pleased to have the pheasant back, Gub.
21:06Yeah.
21:07Right, Crosby, fetch me a knife.
21:08This fabulous Prince Albert's going to make me a mint.
21:11Here goes.
21:12Hello.
21:13Oh.
21:14Ah, I'm Miss Jackson Cow.
21:16You're just in time to get the precise value of a carberry.
21:19Ha-ha-ha.
21:20£19,628.53.
21:22There isn't time for that now.
21:23Yes.
21:24Now.
21:25Just hold on one second.
21:26Oh.
21:27Well, where's this Prince album, then?
21:29It's full of straw.
21:30Yeah, that's taxidermy for you.
21:31They don't leave the guts in your note.
21:32Nor do I.
21:33Well, there goes my bloody carberry.
21:34Hold on.
21:35Seems to be a note.
21:36Ah, give that here.
21:37Let's have a look.
21:38Ha-ha-ha!
21:39Got to all your English shrines.
21:41Signed, Prince Albert.
21:43Ah, that here.
21:44Let's have a look.
21:46Ha-ha-ha!
21:47Got to all your English shrines.
21:50Signed, Prince Albert.
21:52Ah!
21:53Cheeky German.
21:54English one.
21:55German.
21:56English one.
21:57German.
21:58German.
21:59English one.
22:00German.
22:01English one.
22:02German.
22:03German.
22:04German.
22:05German.
22:06English one.
22:07German.
22:08German.
22:09German.
22:10German.
22:11German.
22:12German.
22:13Great!
22:14Look at that one.
22:15Jerry, are there any birds that you don't fancy?
22:20Yeah, you, you minging bin.
22:22But apart from that they're all fantastic.
22:28Owls!
22:29They look a bit scary to me!
22:30Nah.
22:31I love owls, I'm not prejudiced.
22:33Barn owls, tawny owls, snowy owls.
22:37Of course they're all snowy owls after I've finished with them.
22:41What a tits on that on what on that branch