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00:00I know that feeling mate, back pressure build up, eh?
00:30Two years!
00:33You haven't got any problems, have you, Squire? Look at the size of that thing!
00:37It's amazing! You've got to admire that, haven't you?
00:40Must be the size of your forearm!
00:43Not that I'm saying mine isn't, mate, cos it is!
00:46You smile at me like you no different, pal, cos you don't!
00:50What am I doing here?
00:52If my old man knew I was seeing a shrink, he'd be spinning in his grave.
00:55Which wouldn't be difficult. We did bury him in a barrel.
01:00It's what you would have wanted and saved on a coffin, double whammy.
01:03I shouldn't be here. I'm not mental.
01:06No, I'm not! I'm as sane as you are! Don't you argue with me!
01:12Bloody Miss Jackson Cow found out about my barman's hands.
01:16Look at me! Don't look at me!
01:19Look at me! Don't look at me!
01:21Look at you! Don't look at you!
01:24Ah!
01:25Good afternoon.
01:26Bloody Miss Jackson Cow!
01:29I'm Dr Jackson. Hello.
01:31And as a professional courtesy, I'd appreciate it if you didn't call me a cow.
01:36You look just like or only, you know, different.
01:38Yes, well, that tends to be the way with twins. Mr, um...
01:41Gov. Everyone just calls me Gov.
01:43Interesting.
01:44What is? What's interesting? What are you writing about me?
01:47I'm not mental!
01:50Please come in.
01:59Take a seat.
02:00I don't want to have sex with my mum!
02:07I never said that you did.
02:08No, I know.
02:09But I know what all you therapists think.
02:10You think all our problems are down to wanting to have sex with our mums.
02:13Well, I just want to say now, up front, before we get started,
02:16that I do not want to have sex with my mum!
02:19You seem very insistent about that point.
02:21Well, I am.
02:22You haven't met my mother, have you?
02:23No-one would want to have sex with her.
02:27Disgusting!
02:28Not that I'm saying I would have sex with her if she was good-looking.
02:31I mean, what are you writing about me?
02:33I'm just saying, what are you writing?
02:34I will be taking notes, Mr, uh...
02:36Gov.
02:37Gov.
02:38Help me to understand the broader picture.
02:40Oh, what's to understand?
02:41I mean, there are things in this life that you should just leave well alone.
02:44You don't delve.
02:45Yeah?
02:46You don't open that can of worms, do you?
02:47I mean, if you've got a can of worms,
02:49you leave it shut with the worms trapped inside, don't you?
02:53You don't open the can of worms.
02:54Unless, of course, you're going fishing,
02:55then you would open a can of worms.
02:57Or if you like the feel of worms on your skin,
02:59if, like, worms, like writhing, wriggling worms
03:02writhing around on your bare naked flesh,
03:04if that turned you on, if that was the only way you could get off,
03:07then don't write that I'm turned on by worms!
03:10Because I'm not!
03:12It's a more Terry sort of thing, actually.
03:14Who's Terry?
03:15Who's Terry?
03:16Oh, he's just some loser who keeps coming to my pub every waking hour.
03:19His boring voice droning in my ear.
03:22I just wish he'd just shut up!
03:24Anyway, the thing is, he came in the pub with all worms,
03:26like hanging out his trousers.
03:28And that's what made me think of worms.
03:31I'm not obsessed with worms.
03:33But Terry is?
03:35Well, no, actually.
03:36No, he was using them to attract birds.
03:38No, not women!
03:40Birds!
03:41Yeah, he was going through a sort of phase.
03:45I mean, normally he restricts his sexual advances to mammals, actually.
03:48And how long has this Terry had sexual feelings towards animals?
03:54Don't say Terry like it's in inverted commas,
03:57as if I mean me!
03:59Terry's a real person.
04:00He's not an imaginary friend or a voice in my head
04:03or an affectionate nickname for me own...
04:05me own todger.
04:07Although it is an affectionate nickname for his own todger.
04:10No, no.
04:11Terry's a real bloke!
04:12A normal bloke!
04:13Who wants to marry every woman he meets,
04:15who wants to destroy all marine life
04:17and who spends thousands of pounds on alcohol every week
04:19despite having no visible means of support.
04:23He's definitely real.
04:25I'm sure of it.
04:28Let's get back to the beginning, shall we?
04:30Now, my understanding from my sister is that you collapsed.
04:33Possibly something to do with a condition called barman's hand?
04:38Yeah, er, Connie said it was all psychosomatic.
04:41Connie?
04:42Oh, she's my barmaid.
04:43Bloody know-all-know-nothing, bloody student.
04:46So lovely.
04:49And is that why you collapsed?
04:50I don't know.
04:51Maybe.
04:52Could have been stress, though.
04:54The morning I got sick,
04:56I was lying in bed just thinking,
04:59is this it?
05:01Is this my life?
05:02When are the adventures gonna start, eh?
05:04When am I gonna get chased through a cornfield
05:06by some Hungarians in a yellow biplane?
05:08A lot of people experience that same sense of anti-climax.
05:13Who told you about that?
05:16In their lives.
05:18Oh.
05:19And I started thinking about my old dad.
05:21My old man was proud of who he was.
05:24Until my mum got hold of him.
05:26God, if I could just get ten minutes on my own in a room with her,
05:28with no-one looking, I'd...
05:30What would you do?
05:32If you had ten minutes in a room on your own with your mother?
05:34Not what you think!
05:35I don't wanna have sex with my mum!
05:37No.
05:38No, no.
05:39I'm normal.
05:40I wanna kill her.
05:43And matricide is normal, is it?
05:45Well, no.
05:46I wouldn't use matricide.
05:47Of course not.
05:48I'd be humane about the whole business.
05:51Besides, matricide's detectable in the blood these days, isn't it?
05:55Oh, no!
05:56Matricide!
05:57Sorry.
05:58I've been stupid.
05:59Matricide, that's when you smother them with a mattress, isn't it?
06:01Yeah.
06:02Thanks for that.
06:03That's a great idea.
06:04I'd do that, definitely.
06:05Smother her!
06:06I'd smother her the way she's smothered me all these years!
06:11Let's talk more about your father.
06:12I don't wanna have sex with him, either!
06:17I was never confused.
06:20Intriguing that you equate homosexuality with confusion.
06:24Does your sexuality make you confused?
06:26You're twisting my words by using their correct definitions.
06:32No.
06:33Not at all.
06:34I've never been confused.
06:35Even as a young lad, I've always known that I was not a gay.
06:40Even at Landlord Academy, when some of the other boys were experimenting with wet towels and biscuits.
06:46You know, I'd take a back seat.
06:47You know, I'd take a back seat.
06:51Not literally!
06:52No, I'd just watch, you know, from behind the curtain.
06:58They didn't know I was there.
06:59I was just watching, looking.
07:00You know, watching them.
07:01I wasn't confused.
07:02No.
07:03Curious is a better word.
07:04Curious.
07:05Yeah, curious.
07:06You know, of all the practical matter.
07:07You know, the technical side of it.
07:08You know, the ins and outs, the mechanics of the whole business.
07:09I mean, what goes where?
07:10What are these fellas doing?
07:11I mean, it's got to be unhygienic, hasn't it?
07:12I mean, you know, it's the two most unhygienic things in the world, being forced together like that.
07:28Hold on a minute!
07:29I see what you're doing.
07:30You're tricking me, aren't you?
07:31You're getting me to talk about my childhood.
07:32Well, you listen to me.
07:33I'm as lying to have been affected by something that's happened this week as I am by something
07:38that may or may not have happened when I was a kid.
07:41No, I've got issues from me childhood.
07:42So what?
07:43You're an adult.
07:44Grow up!
07:45I'm more interested in this week, to be honest.
07:47Let's go on with your day.
07:48No, I'm more interested in this week, to be honest.
07:51Let's go on with your day.
07:53I'm more interested in this week, to be honest.
07:57What's wrong with your day?
07:58Well, a couple of weeks before, these mice had moved into the kitchen.
08:02They were amazing.
08:04They'd just had little baby mice.
08:06I'd seen it all.
08:08The last days of pregnancy, the birth, brought back bad memories of my wife, that one.
08:15The day the little ones first opened their eyes and sucked on their mother's teat.
08:19But it was my secret now.
08:21No one knew about it.
08:23Now, listen.
08:24If you see one of these, no matter how tempted you are by the cheese, don't go anywhere near it.
08:30I'm just putting some traps out.
08:33That is so barbaric.
08:35You know, animals have rights too.
08:37In a hundred years' time, people like you will be viewed in the same way as slave traders are today.
08:42Oh, er, couldn't make me a bacon sauna, could you?
08:45Of course.
08:46So lovely.
08:47Hang on a minute.
08:50What are you doing here so early?
08:52You're two hours early.
08:53That's not like you.
08:54Oh, well, it's just, I thought if I came in early, then maybe I could get away early.
08:57Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
08:58It doesn't work like that, does it, love?
09:00We're closed, aren't we?
09:01There's nothing for you to do.
09:02There's no one here, is there?
09:05Do you know what time I had to get up so I could get in this early?
09:08Do you?
09:09Half past bloody nine in the morning!
09:13It's like a ghost town.
09:14You do not know how hard it is.
09:18Nor do you, love.
09:22So you have sexual feelings for this girl?
09:24How do you know?
09:25I mean, how dare you?
09:27Of course not.
09:28I couldn't possibly see her like that.
09:30So young, so innocent, so much to learn from an older,
09:33more experienced man.
09:36And do you see yourself as that man?
09:47No!
09:49No!
09:50Of course not.
09:51I mean, I'm 16 years older than her.
09:52I mean, old enough to be her father, technically.
09:54Though, of course, for that to work,
09:55I would have had to have lost my virginity eight years earlier than I did.
10:00Unless the toilet seat thing is true.
10:04I think her more of as a daughter, yeah?
10:06Well, no, one of my daughter's friends,
10:08who's maybe a little bit in awe of me.
10:10And then, one day when we're driving home from choir practice,
10:15we run out of petrol on a deserted road in the middle of a wood.
10:18And she turns to me and says,
10:21I want to become a woman.
10:22I say, I thought you were a woman.
10:23She goes, well, not until the final operation.
10:25She pulls down her pants and she goes,
10:26Look, it's impossible!
10:27It's impossible for me to be a psychiatrist!
10:31The thing with you, psychiatrist, is you're the mad ones!
10:34Which I'm not!
10:35I am not mental!
10:36Write it down!
10:37Not mental!
10:38Write it down!
10:39I sense a lot of anger in you, girl.
10:44Oh, how fucking percentive are you!
10:48I'm glad all that book knowledge isn't going to waste, love!
10:50Look, nobody's trying to suggest that you're mental.
10:54And I don't believe I've asked you any questions about your childhood.
10:57Yeah, but you will, won't you?
10:58Yeah, I know what you lot think.
10:59The child is the father to the man.
11:01The child is the father to the man.
11:03That's bollocks, isn't it?
11:05It's the wrong way round!
11:06The man is the father to the child!
11:08Not in Holland, are we?
11:11When I heard one of your mob on the radio the other day
11:14saying that Hitler only did what he did
11:16because he'd been rejected by his mother,
11:18well, I bloody well hope she rejected him!
11:20He was Hitler!
11:23Do you feel you were rejected by your mother?
11:25Of course I do!
11:26She was always leaving me!
11:27Just like all the others!
11:30In what sense was she always leaving you?
11:33In the sense that she was always packing her bags
11:36and going out the bloody door!
11:40Do you know what my first memory is?
11:42I must have only been two weeks old.
11:44All right, darling.
11:45I'm just going off on a little holiday.
11:47I need one after having to squeeze you out of my clacker!
11:52Don't worry!
11:53Your dad's downstairs!
11:55And if you get lonely, you can play with your friend...
12:00Mr Corkscrew!
12:03Come on, Donnie!
12:04The bus leaves in five minutes!
12:05All right, Barry, I'm coming!
12:07Oh!
12:08A right chip off the old block, eh, sir?
12:13Nephew!
12:15You make your father...
12:17Uncle!
12:19Very proud!
12:21You're doing fine!
12:23Let's go before my bloody husband finds us!
12:26I feel rotten doing this to my own brother!
12:28On top of everything else!
12:30But I've got an itch!
12:32And it needs scratching!
12:34Oh!
12:35Shut up, you brat!
12:36Here, Barry!
12:37Nip down the back way, eh?
12:39Let's start as we mean to go on!
12:43Good old Uncle Barry taking mum and holiday like that!
12:47Oh, see!
12:48You've got me talking about my childhood again!
12:50You volunteered the information!
12:52But all this is very helpful in understanding your situation!
12:55Don't you understand?
12:57I don't want to be understood!
12:59If you understood me at all, you'd understand that!
13:03I don't want to be understood anyway!
13:06I want...
13:09I want to be loved!
13:11Is that too much to ask?
13:13And the only way someone can love me is if they don't understand me!
13:17My wife didn't understand me and everything was fine!
13:20She only left me when she understood me!
13:24Why do they leave?!
13:25Why?!
13:27Why?!
13:29Why?!
13:31What are you looking at?
13:33Back up!
13:36What a bloody nutcase!
13:38Sorry about that, Doc!
13:42It's OK!
13:47I'm glad you came back!
13:49Well, I didn't want to!
13:50But I need you to cure my hands, that's all!
13:52What can I do?
13:54Therapy's all hogwash!
13:56It's just a way for over-educated, book-knowledge idiots
13:58to con decent, ordinary people out of their hard-earned money!
14:02Which is why I'm glad you came back!
14:03So that I can make it up to you!
14:06Eh?
14:08I want you, Gov!
14:10I want you in me now!
14:12Oh, my God!
14:13I don't believe it!
14:14This is it!
14:15I'm finally going to break my two-year duck!
14:18Oh, Gov, you're a magnificent lover!
14:21That's right!
14:22Take it, Vicky!
14:23I'm Nicky!
14:24Oh, yeah, sorry, Nicky!
14:26I'm Vicky!
14:27Not even Jackson!
14:28Cow!
14:29Give him to me, big boy!
14:30Oh!
14:32I'm trying!
14:33Gov!
14:34How can you do this to your own far uncle?
14:38Uncle, I suppose I can hardly talk after what happened with your mum.
14:42Eh?
14:43Nothing.
14:44Come on, Gov'nor, I want it!
14:46I don't want to!
14:48And I can't!
14:49What's wrong, Gov'nor?
14:50Oh, my God!
14:51It's all shriveled and twisted!
14:55You've got Barman's cock!
14:58That is useless cock!
15:00Look at me!
15:01Don't look at me!
15:02Look at me!
15:03Don't look at me!
15:04Maybe I can help.
15:06Oh, God!
15:07No!
15:09No!
15:10I don't want to have sex with my mum!
15:13We were talking about your wife.
15:15Oh.
15:16Yeah, I know.
15:17I think your blacking out may hold the key.
15:20What happened just before you collapsed?
15:22I don't want to talk about it.
15:24How you broke my heart.
15:28Do you remember that song?
15:30No.
15:32How long have you been depressed?
15:34Since the mice left, I suppose.
15:36The mice that preceded you losing consciousness.
15:38Let's talk about them.
15:40Well, I was in the kitchen making lunch for Terry.
15:42Terry again?
15:43He's real, honest!
15:45I looked under the sink, but my mice had left me.
15:50They'd gone.
15:51And how did that make you feel?
15:53Like a warm can of lager had been shaken up and opened inside me brain.
15:57I'm not as nice, obviously.
16:00The mice had left me.
16:02Just like all the others!
16:03You clearly have a real fear of being abandoned.
16:06But, you know, it is just in your imagination.
16:09Not everyone is going to leave you.
16:12OK, sorry.
16:14No, I thought you should go better.
16:17Yep.
16:18Emergency.
16:19Yeah, OK.
16:20Sorry, I won't be a moment.
16:21What?
16:22Let's go!
16:23Why?
16:27Ta-da!
16:31Terry!
16:32How did you get in here?
16:34Dr Jackson, it's an emergency.
16:35Come to the sexist, free it away.
16:38You master of disguise, you.
16:41What are you doing here, anyway?
16:43The lads just wanted to send you their best.
16:46We're right behind you.
16:47Oh, that's really nice.
16:49And I have to find out if you're nuts or not.
16:51There's four quid resting on this one.
16:54No, I'm not!
16:56Borrocks!
16:57Hold on, Terry, hold on.
16:59I need to ask you a question, mate,
17:00and I want you to answer me as honest as you can.
17:02All right, anything, gov.
17:05Are you real?
17:09Let me answer that question with a question.
17:13What is reality?
17:19Well, you know, stuff that's real and that, not imagined.
17:22Oh, yeah. Well, in that case, I am, yes.
17:25My mouth is a mouth.
17:28Oh, thank God for that.
17:29You know, you'd better scarper, mate.
17:31To be honest, I was really hoping to get a gimp
17:33of Miss Jackson's twin sister.
17:35You know, I once believed there was nothing more exciting
17:38than two women together.
17:40Lessing up!
17:43But I was wrong, cos if on the second day of Christmas
17:47my true love sent to me two twins a-lessing
17:51I could do without all the other presents, to be honest,
17:53I'd even give the partridge back.
17:55You know how fond I am of our feathered friends.
17:58Well, I'm bloody annoyed about it. I was with a patient.
18:00Whoops!
18:02Better get moving.
18:04One thing before I go.
18:05Yeah?
18:09I'm so sorry about that false alarm.
18:12Where were we?
18:14It wasn't me that fired, it was Terry!
18:17Oh, yes. Let's blame it on our old friend Terry, shall we?
18:21He was here, really!
18:23And where is he now?
18:25Well, he... he escaped!
18:27What is he here?
18:28We were talking and everything.
18:29What about?
18:30Well, about you, actually.
18:32And your sister.
18:33And a partridge.
18:34And it's really not important right now.
18:39Here, look.
18:40I was wondering.
18:42Do you understand the meaning of dreams?
18:43Why?
18:45Well, it's just I had this dream last night.
18:48In it, I dreamt I was pulling a pint, right?
18:50But nothing was coming out.
18:52And I kept pulling the tap harder and harder and harder.
18:54Pulling, pulling, pulling.
18:55Still nothing came out.
18:56Is this making any kind of sense?
18:58I have a hunch.
18:59Go on.
19:01Right?
19:02So I unscrewed the screw underneath the beer tap, right?
19:04And I was just about to get the screw undone.
19:06When suddenly, my...
19:08You know, my what's it?
19:09Your terry.
19:10No!
19:12My...
19:14Penis!
19:17Fell off.
19:19And this little creature ran up and picked it up in its mouth and ran away with it.
19:23What sort of creature?
19:25An hamster or something, I don't know.
19:26A rodent.
19:28What other rodents do you know?
19:30Rats.
19:31Guinea pigs.
19:32Mr Jackson from the brewery.
19:34No, thanks.
19:35Mice?
19:37Yeah, I suppose.
19:38Those mice gave birth to their babies.
19:39They became a family, didn't they?
19:42Yeah.
19:43What's your point?
19:45Oh, sorry.
19:46Time's up.
19:47Eh?
19:48What do you mean, time's up?
19:49You haven't even given my hands.
19:50Look!
19:51It's going to take a long time to sort out all your problems, Gov.
19:54I'm not coming back.
19:55You've had your chance.
19:57Well, your hour's up.
19:58You're my last patient.
19:59I have to go home.
20:00That means you have to go, too.
20:02Rules are rules.
20:04Here.
20:05You know, it's just struck me.
20:06Nikki.
20:07Doctor.
20:08You and me are actually quite alike.
20:09No, we're not.
20:10Now, here we are.
20:12I can assure you, we're nothing like each other.
20:14No, you should hear me out.
20:15I don't need to.
20:16You're not like me.
20:17Yes, I am.
20:18I mean, look at us.
20:19We spend all day listening to the worries and problems of our clients.
20:21I mean, you've got your fancy diploma and your plus chairs.
20:24I've got me lager and me nuts.
20:26But at the end of the day, who have we got?
20:29Who have we got to listen to us?
20:31Well, fortunately, I don't have any real problems to worry about.
20:35I know.
20:36Must be very difficult for you seeing your twin sister do so well in the family business.
20:39I'm very pleased for her.
20:41Now, I've got to lock up.
20:42Yeah, but you turned your back on the brewery, didn't you?
20:44Yeah, you went to medical school.
20:45You got your diploma.
20:46Your father must have been so disappointed.
20:48Don't be ridiculous.
20:50And all the while, your twin sister, so like you in so many ways.
20:53She's a part of you, a cleft from the same egg, and goes to work for the brewery.
20:56Becomes a brewery rep for up to eight pubs.
20:59All by the time she's 35 years old.
21:02She must be the apple of your father's eye.
21:05Yes, all right.
21:06You're right.
21:07It's true.
21:08She was always his favourite.
21:09Always.
21:10I tried to rebel.
21:11I thought maybe I'd just get a little bit of attention that way.
21:13But oh, no.
21:14No, no.
21:15It just drove him even closer to her, little Miss Goody Two-Shoes.
21:17And now she's even given him the grandchild he always wanted.
21:19Yes.
21:20I hate them all.
21:21They've ruined my life.
21:22They've been there.
21:23Do you want to talk about it?
21:25What good does talking do?
21:26It's not going to solve anything, is it?
21:28What?
21:29Do you know what I do?
21:31To get back at them.
21:32The only thing that makes me feel better, I go out and I have strings of meaningless sexual
21:37encounters with people from the brewery trade.
21:40Delivery men, bar staff, male and female.
21:44Landlords.
21:45The only thing that's wrong with you is that you've lost any sense of control over your
22:00life.
22:01You feel impotent.
22:02Screwing the boss's daughter will give you back a sense of power.
22:04Then everything will be fine.
22:05Look at that.
22:06I'm finally going to break my two-year duck.
22:07Who cares about back pressure build-up?
22:08Who cares about magma?
22:09Oh, my hell is over.
22:10Come and get me, Vicar!
22:11Hey, Vicar!
22:12Hey, Vicar!
22:13Yeah, yeah, whatever!
22:14Come and get me!
22:15Where is it?
22:16Oh, no.
22:17This isn't real, is it?
22:18It's just my mind playing tricks on me again.
22:19Still, two years and...
22:20Oh, no!
22:21Stop it, mind!
22:22Why must you torment me so?
22:25Oh, look.
22:27Thanks for everything.
22:28I'm sorry.
22:29I'm sorry.
22:30I'm sorry.
22:31I'm sorry.
22:32I'm sorry.
22:33I'm sorry.
22:34I'm sorry.
22:35I'm sorry.
22:36I'm sorry.
22:37I'm sorry.
22:38I'm sorry.
22:39I'm sorry.
22:40I'm sorry.
22:41Thanks for everything.
22:42Ah!
22:43No good.
22:44I'm all cured now.
22:46I've got to go.
22:47Oh, that's it!
22:48Run away, you mental bastard!
22:57Who are you?
22:58Terry Brooks, landlord of the Windy Miller.
23:02A landlord?
23:04You better believe it, baby.
23:07Terry Brooks, you master disguising.
23:10A child in person.
23:11You've got to go in.
23:12You've got to go in.
23:14Oh, come on.
23:15I'm sorry.
23:16Oh, come on.
23:17Oh, come on.
23:18Oh, come on.
23:19Oh, come on.
23:20Oh, come on.
23:21Oh, come on.