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00:00That's a picture of me boy there, running.
00:21That's him with his thumbs up, look.
00:23There he is with his thumbs up, but closer.
00:26Look at that.
00:27His first pint.
00:32Excuse me.
00:33Oh, now is that a spanner in your pocket or do you just have a spanner-shaped metallic penis?
00:42It's a spanner.
00:43Ah, that's a shame.
00:45Would have been a novelty.
00:47Why do we have him, mate?
00:48Sorry?
00:49Kids, why do we have him, mate?
00:50Well, my stand was the result of a faulty prophylactic.
00:53Yeah, no, it's the ultimate philosophical question known to man.
00:59Even you, prof, with all your book knowledge, don't know the answer to that one.
01:02Oh, I think I do.
01:03Well, basically, it's a result of an evolutionary instinctive urge, a selfish...
01:08Nobody knows!
01:10You know what I think?
01:11I think we have kids so that we can go on, so that our lives can continue.
01:16Our lives go on because of their lives.
01:19Very true.
01:21If we have them.
01:21And that is why so many publicans have children, because the wear and tear on your kidneys in
01:26this business is outrageous.
01:28So, to get a matching spare pair in the family is like fucking gold dust.
01:33I'm so alone.
01:36What a shocker.
01:38Playing with your tool like that in public.
01:40Reminds me of my last boyfriend.
01:43We're out of vodka, Guff.
01:45Ah, well, you'd better get another bottle, then.
01:47Well, I'll, uh, pop down to the cellar, then.
01:56Excellent.
01:59Wonderful head.
02:01Yeah, it's not bad.
02:02I wasn't talking about the drink.
02:06I'm all done here.
02:08Oh, dear.
02:09What a pity.
02:10Never mind.
02:13Ta-da!
02:15Got any lunch left?
02:16Terry, get out.
02:18Gah-bar!
02:20I'm sure I'm not, Guff.
02:22Yes, you are, you vandal.
02:23You smashed up my old mum's lamp in a snuff.
02:26I needed a shade.
02:28I was making one of them funnel things for Gary.
02:31You know, to stop him licking himself.
02:35He doesn't need one.
02:36There's nothing wrong with a dog.
02:37I know that.
02:38He was just enjoying licking himself a bit too much.
02:42Showing off, I'll call it.
02:43Mocking humanity's limitations.
02:46I was putting him in his place.
02:47I've got the, uh, vodka, Guff.
02:50You're supposed to bring it back from the cellar.
02:52It's all right.
02:55I don't think anyone noticed.
02:57Oh, that isn't stout, is it, Guff?
03:00No.
03:01Terry, you're not having stout.
03:03We do not serve stout in this pub.
03:05We do not serve stout.
03:09Then why have a stout beer tab put in?
03:11It is illogical.
03:13Thank you, Dr Spock.
03:15Mr Spock.
03:16Eh?
03:16Oh, you mean Mr Spock.
03:18See, Dr Spock is a paediatrician.
03:20Bloody perverts.
03:23Ain't it so good for them bastards?
03:26No.
03:26A paediatrician is a doctor specialising in the treatment of children.
03:30I am well aware of that, thank you.
03:32String them up, bastards.
03:35All right, ladies.
03:37Nah, I mean, we've only got the stout in here
03:38because bloody much Jackson's forced me to have it.
03:40But we're going to show her, aren't we?
03:42Eh?
03:42No-one wants it, do you?
03:44No.
03:45I don't get it, bullet head.
03:46Guff.
03:47What's wrong with stout?
03:49What's right with stout?
03:50No, what's wrong with stout?
03:57Oh, er, well, for a start, it's Irish, innit?
04:01We don't want anything Irish in here.
04:02No, because the Irish...
04:04Irish!
04:06We're a bunch of Celts.
04:07A bunch of useless, stinking, rancid Celts.
04:11You can't say that.
04:13That's fucking shocking.
04:14I'm partly Irish.
04:16And I am.
04:17Oh, you're not.
04:18You talk about as Irish as an Irish theme pub.
04:20Bicycles in the window.
04:24Is that Irish?
04:25Is it?
04:25Is it?
04:26Well, I am.
04:27My, er, great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather
04:32was Irish on his mother's side.
04:35I've always thought you were a bit of a kelp.
04:38Nice one, God.
04:39Er, be humour.
04:41Look at his face.
04:42It's a picture.
04:43You leave my little sugar dick alone.
04:45You've only got a problem with us Irish because you're jealous.
04:47Jealous?
04:48Of the Irish?
04:49The only reason, love, I can think to be jealous of the Irish
04:52is that they're further away than us from France.
04:57That's the luck of the Irish, all right?
04:59You both wish you were Irish, too.
05:01No, I don't.
05:02I was never confused.
05:03The people I'll never understand are those Americans who pretend to be Irish.
05:07As if it's not bad enough being American.
05:09Nice one, Terry.
05:12The main reason we don't want stout in here is because stout tastes bloody disgusting.
05:16It is horrible.
05:18Foul.
05:18Fetid ordea.
05:20Don't contradict me, Prof.
05:22I was preparing.
05:23Yes, I know you were.
05:24And any more of them, you'd be out of your bloody ear.
05:26No, stout, stagnant sewage.
05:28It's Satan sputin'.
05:29I would rather kiss a pig's cock than a drink, stout.
05:34And you'd be able to if you just had a couple more vertebrae.
05:38Damn humanity's limitations.
05:40Fair go.
05:41I'll give it a try.
05:42No, love.
05:43Not in my pub.
05:44It's pipe for the fella, glass of white wine, fruit-based drink for the lady.
05:47I'm returning this stout to the wild.
05:55What is this dark, unholy brew?
05:58It disobeys the very laws of physics.
06:01Help, foul spirit.
06:03The power of Christ compels you.
06:06You have to take a sip to release the surface, don't you?
06:09Right.
06:09Right.
06:10Right.
06:10Right.
06:10Right.
06:10Right.
06:11Right.
06:11Right.
06:12Right.
06:13Right.
06:13Right.
06:14Right.
06:14Right.
06:15Right.
06:16Right.
06:17Right.
06:17Right.
06:42Are you all right, bullet head?
06:44Oh, disgusting.
06:46Uh, we're out of whiskey, gov.
06:50You'd better get another bottle, then.
06:52I'll just pop down to the cellar, then.
06:58I'm just popping down to the cellar now, where the new whiskey is kept by us.
07:04Now.
07:05Excellent news, Dino.
07:09Absolutely excellente, ambassadore.
07:13See ya.
07:14See ya.
07:15Wouldn't want to be ya.
07:20Keith, you're mad.
07:23Hello.
07:24Hello.
07:25Hello.
07:26Have you done something to your face?
07:30No.
07:31No.
07:31Um, governor, this is Keith Harney.
07:34Keith, this is the governor.
07:35Hey, gov.
07:36I've heard a lot about ya.
07:38K.
07:38But don't worry, I won't inform the authorities.
07:42Eh?
07:43Who is this punch?
07:45Hey.
07:46I like your sense of humour there, gov.
07:49Here's my card.
07:50Keith Harney, full-time stud muffin.
07:55What?
07:56How did that get in there?
07:58I think I'm gonna chunder.
08:02Come on.
08:03Admit it.
08:04You know it's true.
08:05Admit it.
08:06Come on.
08:07Look at him.
08:08All over her like a rash.
08:09Doesn't he know women require a bit of subtlety?
08:12And the occasional comment about how lovely their tits are.
08:15She doesn't deserve you, Terry.
08:18She does come pretty close, though.
08:23Keith's just extracting the Michael.
08:26He's actually head of marketing for Riley's.
08:29Ha!
08:30Well, I'm afraid you're wasting your time here, squire.
08:34We don't serve stout in this pub.
08:36Never have.
08:37Never will.
08:38After all, there's no demand for it, mate.
08:40Is there?
08:41No.
08:42Ho, ho, ho.
08:43But, gov, Riley's isn't just a stout.
08:45It's cold-filtered.
08:46With a unique pouring nozzle to provide a pint that is actually a stout, a lager and a bitter.
08:53All in one.
08:54Ooh.
08:55Don't go ooh!
08:57What he just said makes no sense at all.
09:00It's hot hair.
09:01Oh, yeah.
09:03When a man gets a thirst, he can really rely on a Riley's.
09:09Ooh.
09:10That's clever.
09:11Amazing alliteration.
09:12It doesn't mean anything.
09:15You guys are very lucky.
09:18This is the first pub outside the Irish Republic to serve Riley's pure velvet in a pint.
09:24On tap.
09:25Oh, yum.
09:26Only because no-one else wants to drink your old Paddy's hind quarter water.
09:32Not at all, gov.
09:33If things go well here, then Vicky will sign a multi-million pound deal that will see Riley's, the cream of Belfast, served in every pub in the Thackeray's chain.
09:43Let's face it, if it'll sell here, it'll sell anywhere.
09:46Joke!
09:47Hey!
09:48I am sure that very soon, Vicky and I will be getting into bed together.
09:56In a metaphorical sense, of course.
09:59What a disgusting lech.
10:01I hate that man with all my heart.
10:03Not in a whisky cup.
10:06Try not to say whisky as if it's in inverted commas.
10:10Next time, take out the bloody tea bag.
10:14I think I'll have the brandy this morning.
10:17Thank you, Stephen.
10:18Hey, Aurac.
10:19Brandy's for benders.
10:20Come over to the dark side with the Riley's.
10:23Oh, yay.
10:25Plus, there's a free T-shirt with every pint.
10:28I have one!
10:29Terry!
10:30There'll be other women.
10:31But will there be other T-shirts?
10:33Don't worry.
10:34There's one for everybody.
10:35Okay.
10:36So, that's one extra large for you.
10:41And one small for you.
10:44Hey, don't worry!
10:47I'm joking, of course.
10:49And wait.
10:50Wait a minute.
10:52Here's a little one for your friend.
10:55Peace out, my bro.
11:00Oh, yeah!
11:01I'm crazy, baby!
11:02Yeah!
11:03Hello.
11:04Don't waste your breath, slimeball.
11:05Well, timey kangaroo down, sport.
11:06You're an Aussie.
11:07I've got something for you.
11:08Can you see what it is yet?
11:10Oh, you legend!
11:11Riley's all round!
11:12What a brilliant bloke!
11:13Yes, a spunkwreck!
11:14Isn't he?
11:15He's dreamy.
11:16He's brightened out my humdrum line!
11:17These ull things!
11:19He's its not Thin.
11:20I'm a God!
11:21Well, don't waste your breath, slime ball.
11:22Hello!
11:23Don't waste your breath slime ball!
11:24Well, timey kangaroo down, sport!
11:25You're an Aussie.
11:26I've got something for you.
11:27I've got something for you.
11:29Can you see what it is yet?
11:30Oh!
11:31You legend!
11:32Riley's all round!
11:33What a brilliant bloke!
11:34Yeah, he's a spunkwreck!
11:35Isn't he?
11:36He's dreamy.
11:37I love my humdrum life.
11:39He's all things to all men.
11:41He's a tit!
11:50What winks and makes love like a tiger?
11:55It's me.
11:56Do you see me winking there?
12:03By the way, Gubb, we were outland cordial earlier,
12:06so I popped down to the cellar and got some more.
12:11It's actually washing up liquid.
12:13You hopeless cretin!
12:15That costs more than lime cordial!
12:20Come on, Steve!
12:22Roll out the Rileys!
12:24It's almost ready.
12:25Yeah, it's only taken an hour to pour.
12:27And that's the great thing about Rileys, Gubb.
12:29It's worth its weight in gold, and that's W-A-I-T.
12:33Weight.
12:34How'd you get it?
12:36Oh, yeah.
12:37Every pint of Rileys is made with pure Irish spring water,
12:42drawn from the River Liffey by Irish mules,
12:44ridden by bare-legged, red-haired Irish wenches.
12:48It's unmistakably Irish.
12:50It's hip, and it's now.
12:52All our focus groups show that today,
12:54most English people wish they were Irish.
12:56No, they don't!
12:57I, myself, am a quarter Irish.
13:00What about you, Janet?
13:02Got any Irish in you?
13:03A bit.
13:04Would you like some more?
13:05If you mean, would I like a root,
13:09then the answer is yes.
13:11In your face, Jacksy.
13:14Hey, Keith, I'm completely Irish.
13:16I was born in a cottage near Cork.
13:18Daddy had a bad year on the stock market,
13:20and they couldn't afford to go to the continent.
13:22That's great, Vixen.
13:24Coming right back at you, sister.
13:27Yeah, I'm partly Irish too, Keith.
13:30Oh, you're not, Terry.
13:31Oh, yeah, partly Irish.
13:33So I am.
13:36Ever since I saw Riverdance,
13:37I have felt the core of the Celtic race in my blood.
13:41I've even stuck me bicycle in the window and everything.
13:45Why on earth would anyone English want to be bloody Irish?
13:48Hey, the royal is he's ready.
13:51Come on, fellas.
13:52Lock and load.
13:53Let's go to work.
13:54Oh, no, no, no, not for me, thanks, Steve.
13:57I'm allergic to whatever the main ingredient of stout is.
14:01I'll have a vodka and orange, please.
14:03Poop-based drink for the lady.
14:06Stout is not normal,
14:08and normal people do not want to drink it.
14:10Oh, you're right on the money there, gov.
14:12Normal people do not want to drink it,
14:13because Riley's is not ordinary.
14:16It's extraordinary.
14:19Stop it!
14:24To an ordinary person's unsophisticated palate,
14:28Riley's will taste unpleasant.
14:30Sour.
14:31Brackish, even.
14:32Only really very clever people can appreciate it.
14:35It's delicious.
14:44Mmm.
14:46Um, saline?
14:47Not yet, gratifying.
14:49I've certainly had worse things in my mouth,
14:51if you know what I'm talking about.
14:53I'm talking about...
14:54Judas's!
14:56Whole lot of your bloody Judas's.
14:58No, no, that's not fair on Judas.
15:00At least he had the good grace to top himself.
15:02I like you, gov.
15:04You speak your mind.
15:07What say we bury the hatchet and enjoy the crack?
15:11Don't say anything, Janet.
15:12I wasn't going to.
15:15No, I'm sorry, mate.
15:16I'm not drinking your emperor's new beer,
15:18and nor is anybody else.
15:20Because as of now,
15:21the Riley's is off.
15:24You joker!
15:26Listen, you piece of shit.
15:28You do not want to stand in my way.
15:30I work for some very important people,
15:32and if you don't do as I say,
15:34I'll have your fucking legs broken.
15:38Riley's all round!
15:40On me house!
15:43Drink it.
15:44I will be quick for you.
16:08I will be quick for you.
16:10Ah! I was never confused.
16:22Hey, come on, fellas, knock those back. Let's live the life of Riley's.
16:27Come on, Vicky, you're not drinking.
16:29Oh, no, I don't usually drink alcohol.
16:32Oh, come on, Vicky. How am I supposed to take advantage of you if you're sober?
16:36Oh, well, maybe a sip or two.
16:39Slag!
16:40You're great, you are, Keith. I wish I was you.
16:46You could be me, Steve, easily. You know, I look at you and I don't see a barman.
16:51I'm not a barman. Ah, this is just temporary.
16:54How would you like to come and work for me?
16:57You're kidding.
16:57No way, Hosea. I don't kid about things like that.
17:00If you can prove to me that you can sell Riley's, the job's yours.
17:04Come on, everyone. Drink up. You can rarely relax with the Riley's.
17:08Ha, ha, ha, that's great. Come with me a second.
17:12Where are we going?
17:13I'm just going to introduce you to my, uh, friend Charlie.
17:16Ooh.
17:19Charlie? I call my friend Terry.
17:21Two blokes going to the gents together.
17:25It's not normal.
17:26You know, that bloke's grouse. He's as good as promised me a job promoting Riley's back in Oz.
17:31I'll get my ticket home.
17:32He's going to put a word in for me.
17:34There's a position at Riley's as a beer taster.
17:37Fifty grand a year.
17:39Free beer.
17:40But the best thing, five percent discount on all crisps.
17:44Excluding luxury crisps.
17:45I love crisps, mate.
17:47You see, he's taking you all for a ride.
17:49As soon as Jackson signs that contract, you won't see him for dust.
17:52Nah.
17:53Not my Keith.
17:54He wouldn't do that.
17:56Ooh.
17:57You all right.
17:58You look awful.
17:59Even for you.
18:00Oh, dear.
18:00I feel a bit...
18:02It must be something I've eaten.
18:05Yeah, right.
18:06What a one-pot screamer.
18:07She can't even hold her grog.
18:09Listen, mate.
18:10It's really nice of you.
18:12And I really like sherbet.
18:14Who doesn't?
18:15But, you know, I like it with a licorice straw.
18:17I'm not so desperate I'd suck it up through a tenner.
18:22Yeah, it's very funny, Steve.
18:24Where's Vicky?
18:25Oh, she went home.
18:27Must be past her bedtime.
18:29Jane.
18:30I need a woman with a bit more staying power.
18:33Get your coat, mate.
18:34You've pulled.
18:38Barrel's empty.
18:39Oh.
18:40What a shame.
18:41Don't worry, fellas.
18:41There's another one back there somewhere.
18:43Oh, good.
18:44Gov.
18:45No, no.
18:46I don't think it arrived.
18:48Gov.
18:49All right.
18:51Drink up, Terry.
18:52I need a beer taster who can really knock it back.
18:55Yeah, but, like, it's just so, Philip.
18:58Oh, come on.
18:58You help me finish this next barrel
19:00and I'll give you a packet
19:01of our Irish stout flavoured crisps.
19:04Ours.
19:07Now, they're made with, get this,
19:10real Irish potatoes.
19:12The genuine particle.
19:13Poor.
19:14Enough to satisfy you even in the worst famine.
19:17Well, give her, mate.
19:17Ah, drink it.
19:23Brood in Birmingham.
19:25Uh, Keith, have a word.
19:29Not now, Gov.
19:29I'm busy.
19:30That's important.
19:31I'd like to see your Charlie.
19:34I'm afraid Charlie's a bit choosy about who he socialises with.
19:37Ah, well, it's just I was wondering in which Irish county
19:40the ancient and mysterious Celtic village of Birmingham was in.
19:44Step this way.
19:49Oh, no, mate.
19:49I'm not going in the gents with you.
19:51Two fellas going in the gents together.
19:53People will get the wrong idea.
19:55Come on, let's go in the ladies.
19:55So, your Beelzebub's bog water isn't Irish, then?
20:01Of course it's not.
20:01It's made from coal dust and dolphin blubber.
20:04And it costs about two pence a gallon to make.
20:06Which is nice.
20:07That's disgusting.
20:08So, like you can talk,
20:10you're doing exactly the same thing as me.
20:12Don't be ridiculous.
20:13I've seen you.
20:14Passing off water as vodka,
20:15tea as whiskey.
20:17That's not the point.
20:18You and me are the same.
20:19You're ripping off Jackson just as much as I am.
20:22Well, maybe not quite as much.
20:23I've bet Dino a grand
20:25that I can't bag the slag.
20:27I'm happy to shag your barmaid for nothing, though.
20:33Hey, hi, Vicks.
20:35Get out.
20:36Hey, I was just joking.
20:38I knew you were there.
20:39You know, I was only having a laugh.
20:41I said get out.
20:42Oh, come on, Vicky.
20:43Where's your sense of humour?
20:44Get out, you bloody bastard.
20:51Come on, Vicky.
20:52You're making a big mistake.
20:54I'm not, but I nearly did.
20:55If you don't want him, I'll have him.
20:57No, Janet, even you don't deserve that.
20:59He was just going to use you.
21:00Yeah, I know.
21:01Where are you going?
21:02What about my job?
21:04What about my crisps?
21:05My beautiful crisps?
21:07There's no crisps,
21:08and there's no job as if I'd employ a hopeless cretin like you.
21:12How dare you?
21:13He may be a hopeless cretin,
21:15but he's our hopeless cretin.
21:17You won't get away with this.
21:18I'll get you back, and you see if I don't.
21:20Ooh!
21:22I'm sorry.
21:23Yeah.
21:25Well, you should be.
21:26You're dead.
21:27Get out of my pub,
21:29you talked-up, self-serving,
21:31co-caddled,
21:31parasitical,
21:32blood-sucking twacks.
21:34Thanks, Governor.
21:49That's all right, Vicky.
21:50Uh, uh, Miss Jackson?
21:52Oh, um, about your spirits.
21:54I believe an inspector from the brewery may be coming next week.
21:56You might want to, um, check your optics are working okay.
21:59How?
22:00Yeah, all right.
22:00I'll do that.
22:01I could have wasted so much on that man.
22:05Oh, the brewery's money, I mean.
22:07Do you know his grog was shit-hours
22:08and made you crook?
22:09Oh, that wasn't the stout.
22:11No, I had a good mouthful,
22:12but I didn't swallow.
22:14Shame.
22:16One swallow would have certainly made more summer.
22:22No, I tried to get rid of the awful taste of the stout
22:24by drinking some of your lime cordial.
22:29Crosby!
22:31That's all I'm so is.
22:44I love you, da.
22:45I love you, boy.
22:47Yay!
22:47So we are poor, we have a simple happiness
22:52that all I love English people secretly aspire to.
22:55So as long as they never actually have to experience it.
22:58Yay!
23:00Christ, this is an embarrassment of kidneys.
23:02I love you, boys.
23:03I love you, boys.
23:03I love you, boys.
23:03I love you, boys.
23:03I love you, boys.
23:03I love you, boys.
23:03I love you, boys.
23:03I love you, boys.
23:03I love you, boys.
23:03I love you, boys.
23:04I love you, boys.
23:04I love you, boys.
23:04I love you, boys.
23:04I love you, boys.
23:05I love you, boys.
23:05I love you, boys.
23:05I love you, boys.
23:06I love you, boys.
23:06I love you, boys.
23:06I love you, boys.
23:07I love you, boys.
23:07I love you, boys.
23:08I love you, boys.
23:08I love you, boys.
23:09I love you, boys.
23:10I love you, boys.
23:11I love you, boys.