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00:00You
00:20Ready for the guy Mike sort of
00:25South power with a glass door
00:27All right, all right
00:35Then I'm sorry
00:41Yeah, you are you put Gary in the fridge
00:47You don't understand I was trying to crea genitally freeze him a dog's life
00:53So sure I thought I'd give him a chance to see what advances of dogs of the future wouldn't I?
01:01I can't stay mad at you for long mate. Your heart is in the right place
01:08There was some mix-up with your mouth in your ass
01:11Is that a new beer gov? Yeah, it is
01:13Guy Fawkes gunpowder ale
01:15Thackeray's have brought it out in celebration of Guy Fawkes night
01:18What is this daggy pommie Guy Fawkes thing aside from an opportunity for sweet shops to sell high explosives to school children?
01:25It's a beautiful British tradition Janet this country's a proud country with a proud tradition of tolerance and democracy a tradition that we celebrate every Guy Fawkes night
01:32By sitting far the effigies of Roman Catholics
01:34It is blinding to know that in these days of political madness gone correct
01:40There is still a day set aside each year for the persecution of religious minority
01:44I can't say that, that's fucking shocking
01:46It's only the Catholics love, no one in this great Protestant country would dare criticise your Jew or your Hindu or your Islamic Muslim
01:54We're not stupid
02:00Exactly, but when it comes to a group of people who believe essentially the same thing as us then I'm sorry they're gonna get what's coming to them
02:06It's the way things are
02:08Blasphemer beware
02:10Do not mock the one true faith
02:13The one true faith grandpa is the Church of England
02:17The clue is no
02:19What did this Guy Fawkes do? They were so bad anyway
02:24Well, he tried to blow up Parliament love
02:26I know, I know, it sounds like a good thing, doesn't it?
02:29But, he tried to blow up Parliament on behalf of Spade
02:33Now, fair enough
02:34Blow up Parliament for yourself, for your mates, for the people of Great Britain
02:37But not for Spade
02:39Back off Brussels
02:41Here's a pint of that bonfire gear girl
02:45Right sorry, one coming up
02:47That's, er, £2.50 please mate
02:51Ah, sorry Gov, that little Kaz bastard nicked all me money, you know, Greg Watsit's nephew
02:57Greg Thompson, let me out of here
03:00That's where he had his mates with him, that's all
03:03Yeah, he got all my pension too
03:05They also took my pocket money for the whole month, ten whole pounds
03:09That little rut is gonna ruin me
03:11I better sort him out
03:13Janet, take over, sweetheart
03:17What are you rubbish?
03:19What are you doing?
03:20Oh look, it's the Baldy Pub Gaylord
03:22Do you call me?
03:23Do you want some?
03:24Do you want some?
03:25Hey, come on!
03:26Come on!
03:35Justice!
03:36You did it go!
03:37Hey!
03:38One nil!
03:39In your face, Greg Thompson
03:41We got a guy
03:42We got a queen of arts guy
03:43Did you get our money back?
03:45Oh
03:46Er
03:47No!
03:48We got a guy!
03:49He he he he
03:50What are we gonna, what are we gonna do with it?
03:52I'll have it
03:53Not even you could be sexually attracted to that
03:56A mouth's a mouth
03:58It hasn't got a mouth
04:01It hasn't got a mouth
04:02Not yet
04:04No, look, look
04:05We could have a bonfire party tomorrow night
04:08Oh dear
04:09Look, I'd love to celebrate Guy Fawkes Night, Janet
04:11I would
04:12I mean, no one likes the idea of burning effigies of Catholics
04:15More than I do
04:16Hey!
04:17Shut it!
04:18But
04:19November the 5th in this pub is set aside as a time for quiet contemplation
04:23Because it is my boy's birthday!
04:28In honour of which occasion Naughty Miss November has put on her bra and pants
04:34It's a nice gesture
04:36She's a lady
04:37Hey, Gav, look, you got a new customer
04:40What should we call him?
04:43Oh, I don't know
04:44What about Guy?
04:45Brilliant!
04:46Hey, Gav, can I have a drink for my friend Guy, yeah?
04:50Nice one, Siri
04:52Seriously
04:53Get him a drink
04:54I'll buy you
04:57Suit yourself
05:01There you go, Tom
05:02Oh, erm
05:03How embarrassing
05:04I don't seem to have any cash
05:06He'll have to buy his own
05:07Oh, bloody Catholics
05:11A papish plot
05:13Back off, Roan
05:20Get off her, Thompson
05:21Leave her around
05:23Leave her around
05:25Shoot
05:26Shoot
05:27Shoot
05:32Shoot
05:33Shoot
05:36Oh, no, no, no, you don't understand.
05:55I'm just after...
05:56Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what you're after.
05:57No.
05:58No, love, I thought I'd never cross my mind.
06:02Still, it's been a year.
06:05Magma?
06:06No.
06:07No, no, no, no, no, I just want to get under you.
06:09I mean, under the bed.
06:12It's party decorations.
06:14I like to do up the pub for me boy's birthday in case he comes back.
06:18He will come back, won't he?
06:22Dear God, please send my son back, preferably with enough money to install a carvery.
06:28All right, just get on with it and come and sleep.
06:30Okay, enough.
06:32Hold on one minute.
06:34It's half ten.
06:35Ben, what are you still doing in bed?
06:38I've been working here for two months and I'm still waiting for my first pay packet.
06:42Now, you let the moss out of your wallet and I'll get back to work.
06:44Janet, please, not your day of the days.
06:46Please, I need your help.
06:47Look, I haven't seen my son for over a year.
06:50I haven't heard from him.
06:52I don't even know where he is.
06:54Look, I would have paid you, love, but I've spent the money on presents and jelly.
07:00Wake up!
07:01Well, yeah, all right.
07:03Jeez, I'm a pushover.
07:05Really?
07:06Emotionally speaking.
07:09Yeah, of course.
07:11Good girl.
07:11Where is everyone?
07:17Drink.
07:18Must have a drink.
07:19Oi, shops!
07:21At last!
07:22Thank God.
07:23A man could die of thirst in here.
07:26Prof, that only happened the once.
07:28We all promised we'd never mention it again.
07:32You bastards understand.
07:34I have to charge for tap water.
07:37Now, where's Crosby?
07:39I bet he's still in bed.
07:40The idols.
07:41Oh, you can't get the star.
07:42No!
07:43Come back!
07:48Oi, Crosby!
07:49What are you doing in bed?
07:51Why aren't you at work?
07:52I can't be bothered.
07:53What's the point?
07:54What's the point in anything?
07:55Oh, you're not still mooning over that French tart, are you?
07:58Steve, I warned you about her.
08:00She's French.
08:00French, a time waster.
08:02Yeah?
08:04I mean, I mean, we're not time wasters in this country, are we, son?
08:06I mean, in January, we have that thing called the boat show, don't we, mate?
08:09Yeah?
08:10The boat show.
08:11Now, tell me, Steve, what happened to the boat show?
08:13Come on.
08:14They show boats.
08:15Exactly!
08:16If we've got boats to show in this country, we put on a boat show.
08:19Now, what would that be called in France?
08:21Hey?
08:21Hey?
08:22I'll tell you.
08:22I'll tell you.
08:28Time-wasting tits.
08:31Woo!
08:32What's that?
08:33That's the Guy Fawkes gunpowder ale.
08:35It's been doing that all night.
08:37Nah, it's probably nothing.
08:39Now, get up and get to work, Steve.
08:40I can't.
08:41I've got motivational issues.
08:43No, you haven't, pal.
08:43You're just bone-bloody idle.
08:45Now, get upstairs.
08:46Come on.
08:47Move it.
08:47Come on.
08:48I've got my tenth fiancée.
08:51She left me to become a lesbian.
08:54So did that one and that one.
08:58Actually, practically all of them became lesbians after they left me.
09:02I think they realised that after me, no man would ever satisfy them again.
09:07Morning, you larrikins.
09:09What can I be getting you?
09:10At last.
09:11I'd like to...
09:12Hello, I'm Brock.
09:14G'day.
09:15Hello.
09:15Oh, Miss Jackson, what a pleasant surprise.
09:19Oh, is that Janie?
09:20Uh, no, Janie's not in today.
09:22This is Janet.
09:23Oh, sorry, Janet, I'm not thinking straight.
09:25I'm a little bit poorly.
09:26Oh, don't worry.
09:27Most of these things can be cleared up with penicillin these days.
09:31Actually, I'm just a bit common dick.
09:32Oh, maybe you're pregnant.
09:34There's more chance of Elvis riding into a pub on Shergar.
09:38Do you remember that horse?
09:39No.
09:41Is the governor there?
09:42No, he isn't.
09:43Can I take a message?
09:44No, thank you.
09:44I need to talk to the engineer, not the oily rag.
09:48Did you get her to get me a call?
09:49It is quite urgent.
09:51Yeah, call Miss Jackson.
09:53I'll do that.
09:55Hope you get better real soon.
09:57Thanks.
09:59Bitch.
09:59I don't know why you don't get on with Vicky.
10:03That is one classy woman.
10:06Yeah, that's what she'd like you to think.
10:08I reckon she's the kind of woman who's got her bed covered with cuddly toys and a bedside cabinet full of vibrators.
10:13Jesus.
10:14Cuddly toys are enough for me.
10:16Get up there.
10:19Snap out of it.
10:19There's people here need serving.
10:21Is that the phone?
10:22No.
10:23Here, Janet, can you put these up in the snow, love?
10:25Could somebody please get me a drink?
10:28Hey, postman.
10:30Lock time, no see.
10:31Did you miss me?
10:32Oh, my life has scarcely been worth living.
10:35Same here.
10:36What's this?
10:37I think it's some kind of parcel.
10:39Yeah, but this is the gift I sent to my boy.
10:42Can you see where it says return to sender?
10:45That means he didn't want it.
10:48Have you got any tape?
10:51Why do you think you're stirring it?
10:52This isn't a freak show.
10:53Sorry.
10:54And if it was, you'd be the main attraction as the amazing bean-faced man.
10:59I haven't got a bean-faced.
11:02Why did she send it back?
11:04Cow!
11:05Wait a minute.
11:06Maybe she sent it back
11:07because she knows he's coming back here
11:09for his birthday party
11:10and he can open it then.
11:11Yeah!
11:12That's probably it, mate.
11:15Hold on, boydhead.
11:16Gov.
11:17You said you didn't know where your boy was,
11:19so how did you manage to send him a parcel?
11:21Uh, never mind about that detail.
11:23Let me see that.
11:24No! No! No!
11:26The address?
11:28It's in...
11:28All right!
11:30All right.
11:31I admit it.
11:32I haven't been entirely honest with all of you.
11:34Oh, Mr. Jane.
11:37You see, the thing is,
11:38a year ago,
11:39my wife...
11:40My wife!
11:42My wife!
11:43My wife!
11:52Ran off!
11:54With a French blush.
11:59Oh, how very interesting.
12:02Now, could someone please
12:04get me
12:05a fucking drink?
12:14A French bloke.
12:17What have I ever said
12:18or done to deserve that?
12:20Oh, B.H.
12:23Gee.
12:24Blame yourself.
12:25I don't!
12:25I blame her!
12:26Dropping the nicks
12:27for the first bloke
12:28who comes along with her
12:29I want to make sleep with you.
12:33Disgusting!
12:34Not only that,
12:35he's only a landlord,
12:36isn't he?
12:36Yeah,
12:37Marcel.
12:38Yeah,
12:38governor of Lactate,
12:39Dewey,
12:40in Paris.
12:42He's one of them,
12:43but he's one of us!
12:44Of course,
12:47they're all Catholics,
12:48the French.
12:49You're treading on thin ice.
12:51You're all mental,
12:52you Catholics,
12:52aren't you?
12:53You're all addicted to religion.
12:54That's how you got your name,
12:55innit?
12:56Cathaholics.
12:59You mean like
13:00alcoholics?
13:01Janet, please!
13:02We don't call them that,
13:03we refer to them as
13:04those whose whistles
13:05can never be wet enough.
13:07I've got this
13:08my boy,
13:08that's all.
13:09Oh, look,
13:10come on,
13:10I haven't finished
13:11setting up the party
13:12in the snug yet.
13:13Why don't you come
13:13and help me?
13:14Oh, all right.
13:16Sue!
13:17No, it's Vicky.
13:18Hello.
13:19Hello.
13:21It's the governor there,
13:22it is quite urgent.
13:23No.
13:24Well, can you get him
13:25to give me a call
13:25ASAP?
13:27Yes.
13:29Is that my Vicky?
13:31Mmm.
13:32Poor thing,
13:33I hope she doesn't die.
13:36You're so right,
13:37guy.
13:38A mouth is
13:39a mouth.
13:41Needed some pictures,
13:42Carl,
13:42before he left.
13:43That's one of me.
13:43That's one of my wife,
13:46COW!
13:48That's a self-portrait,
13:49look.
13:50Yeah,
13:50he was a very talented boy.
13:52Look,
13:52you won't be too disappointed
13:53if he doesn't come back.
13:55No,
13:56of course not.
13:56I mean,
13:57he didn't make it last year.
13:59You know,
13:59a lot can happen in a year,
14:00Janet.
14:00I mean,
14:01you know,
14:01I don't know if I really
14:02remember his face.
14:04You know,
14:04sometimes I try and think of him,
14:06I can't picture him.
14:07A lad needs his dad,
14:09can it?
14:10I wish he could come
14:11and live with me.
14:12Yeah,
14:12but your wife wouldn't like it.
14:13Well,
14:13I don't like her
14:14sucking on that frog's legs.
14:17And snails and horses,
14:18they eat them too.
14:19They do,
14:20they do.
14:20It doesn't matter where you are,
14:24you still is dead,
14:25he'll always love you.
14:27You think so?
14:27Yeah,
14:28of course.
14:29Yeah,
14:29look,
14:30this one's my favourite.
14:33Go with her.
14:37Yeah,
14:37so I jumped out the microwave
14:39into the speedboat
14:40and that's how I got
14:41my fifth Victoria Cross.
14:44You're my best mate.
14:46Has anyone seen my daddy?
14:49Son?
14:50Is that you?
14:51My daddy,
14:52I want my daddy.
14:53Oh my God,
14:54it's been so long
14:54I can't remember.
14:56Is it you?
14:57Daddy!
14:58Oh,
14:58son,
14:59I knew you'd go!
15:00Oh,
15:00son,
15:01I love you!
15:02Aye,
15:02slops,
15:03you nuts.
15:04What in the name
15:05of a baboon's ball bag
15:06are you doing with my boy?
15:07You're my boy?
15:09Oh,
15:09daddy,
15:10I love you!
15:11All right,
15:11son,
15:11mind here,
15:12oi.
15:13I didn't know you had a son,
15:14Greg.
15:14No,
15:14I wish I didn't,
15:15slops.
15:15Luckily,
15:16little Scrope lives with his mother.
15:17I've only got to see him
15:18every fourth Sunday.
15:19Back off,
15:20Brussels!
15:21Oi!
15:21Told you about it,
15:22yeah,
15:22son.
15:23What's his name?
15:24I buggered if I know.
15:25Carrie,
15:26get in here.
15:28Now,
15:28Carrie,
15:29my nephew,
15:29was doing penny for the guy
15:30for the poor and or nutty kiddies,
15:32and he reckons you've got his guy,
15:34slops.
15:34Oh,
15:35I,
15:35I,
15:35I,
15:35I,
15:35I,
15:36I don't know what you mean.
15:37I won't have it.
15:38Carrie's family.
15:39Family!
15:40There's nothing more important to me than my family.
15:43I told you,
15:43boy,
15:44go and play with the traffic.
15:47Now,
15:47slops,
15:48I'm not going to make a big deal of this
15:49because you sorted me out
15:50with that little French frog last week,
15:51you know what I mean?
15:52Right,
15:52that is it!
15:53Oh,
15:54come on,
15:54you'll kill yourself!
15:55I'm already dead!
15:56So where's the bloody guy?
15:58You must think,
15:59I'm stupid.
16:00Here I am.
16:01Come here.
16:01Oi,
16:01get off!
16:02Oh,
16:02I'm very honest,
16:03we'll stay.
16:03You are not getting it,
16:04Thompson.
16:05You are going to get what is coming to you.
16:07And who's going to give it to me?
16:08You,
16:08you lanky,
16:08string of piss?
16:10Yeah.
16:11Don't make me laugh,
16:12boy.
16:16You should have done that,
16:23Tickets.
16:24Jesus Christ,
16:24look at the bazookas on that,
16:25boy.
16:27Yeah,
16:27Charlie,
16:27I thought if I put them there,
16:28you might notice them now.
16:30I think Tickets and his charming nephew
16:32were just leaving.
16:33Come on,
16:34Ed Carey,
16:34let's get you home to your mother.
16:35I won't forget about this,
16:36slops.
16:38Good on you,
16:40girl.
16:40Yeah,
16:41no,
16:41I can't worry,
16:41I'm just spewing,
16:42I didn't get a chance to fire him.
16:44Oh,
16:45I think you've had enough to drink.
16:48I'm getting you home.
16:50Yeah,
16:50but I have had an idea
16:52how we can have our party.
16:53More beer jelly,
16:54son.
16:55Yes,
16:56please,
16:56Daddy.
16:57I love you,
16:58Daddy.
16:59I love you too,
17:00son.
17:01Promise me you'll never leave me again.
17:04I won't,
17:04Daddy.
17:05Why are they only one
17:06who's deeply disturbed by this?
17:08True,
17:08a little sad pantomime
17:09of a birthday celebration,
17:10but nevertheless very moving.
17:12Your heart would have to be dead
17:13not to be touched by.
17:16Me nick my best mate.
17:18Bastard.
17:19I'll never forgive him.
17:23Hello.
17:24Hello.
17:25Oh,
17:25hello,
17:26Vicky,
17:26my sweetness.
17:28It's Terry.
17:29Oh.
17:29I'm sorry to hear you laid up in bed,
17:32like,
17:33but if you'd like something to come round
17:34and throw one up,
17:35you know.
17:36Is the gun all there?
17:37It's urgent.
17:38Um,
17:38yeah,
17:39all right.
17:40Um,
17:40Garth,
17:40it's for you.
17:41Not now,
17:42Terry.
17:43It's Miss Jackson,
17:44says it's urgent.
17:45It's the gunpowder ale.
17:57It's an absolute nightmare.
17:58Wait,
17:59it's still forbidden in a barrel.
18:01It can blow any minute.
18:02Oh,
18:03oh,
18:03oh,
18:03oh,
18:04oh,
18:05ah,
18:06oh.
18:06Here,
18:06here.
18:07Quick.
18:07We're done it,
18:10then.
18:11Oh,
18:11just in time.
18:12Oh,
18:13phew,
18:13that was close.
18:15Wait a minute.
18:16Brood in France.
18:20Another Catholic conspiracy averted,
18:22the papist plot.
18:23You don't know what you're talking about.
18:25I'll change the record,
18:27Grandpa.
18:28You were lucky this time,
18:31Protestant.
18:33We only have to be lucky once.
18:37Don't worry,
18:42guy.
18:43I'll save you from this indignity.
18:46Then it'll be me and you back together again.
18:49Give it to us,
18:50spunk breath.
18:52You'll never take him off me.
18:58Run.
18:59Just in the nick of time,
19:01I don't know,
19:01I'll see some stuff with beer.
19:03Terry.
19:04You all right,
19:05mate?
19:05Yeah,
19:05I'm dying.
19:06My boy.
19:08They've taken my boy.
19:09Oh,
19:10my God.
19:10Son.
19:11Son.
19:13Oh,
19:13you sakes.
19:14Get out of here.
19:14Oh,
19:15son.
19:16Wake up.
19:20Oh,
19:21God.
19:22No.
19:23Don't leave me again.
19:28Why?
19:29Why?
19:32Your three-footed head.
19:34It's not really,
19:34your son.
19:35That's a dummy.
19:37Oh,
19:37yeah.
19:38Sorry,
19:38I've just sort of got carried away
19:40in the excitement a bit more.
19:42I've been on the International Directory
19:43inquiries,
19:44and I've got the number
19:45for La Tetra.
19:46You can ring your son.
19:47Oh,
19:47Janet,
19:48I love your resourcefulness.
19:50Do you think he'll want to speak to me?
19:52Yeah,
19:52of course he will.
19:53Oh,
19:54brilliant.
19:54Here,
19:55what's the code for France?
19:5633.
19:56Prof,
19:57you quizley.
19:58He is a quizley.
19:59Remember when he won two quid
20:01on that quiz?
20:02Yes!
20:03Really,
20:04you know,
20:04that was nice.
20:04Shut up!
20:05He's ringing.
20:08Hello?
20:10Hello,
20:10Marcel,
20:11it's me.
20:12Yeah,
20:12you know perfectly well who I am.
20:14Yeah,
20:14it's me,
20:14the bloke you cuckolded in.
20:15You lousy,
20:16stinking,
20:17randy,
20:17bloody frog.
20:19Mustard's yellow!
20:19No!
20:25Yeah,
20:25yeah,
20:26look,
20:26I'm,
20:26yeah,
20:27look,
20:27oh,
20:27you the palpare anglais,
20:29eh?
20:29Well,
20:29you palpare it all right
20:30that time you chatted up my wife,
20:32you,
20:32you slag!
20:33No,
20:34no,
20:35yeah,
20:35all right then,
20:37all right,
20:37I'll do it.
20:41Je,
20:42ve,
20:42par,
20:43eh?
20:46Avec mon garçon,
20:47silver plate.
20:50No,
20:50I'm not saying that!
20:51Oh,
20:52all right.
20:53I am delighted that France
20:55got the World Cup Euro 2000 done.
20:59Christ!
21:00Yeah,
21:00yeah,
21:01yeah,
21:01all right,
21:01all right.
21:02I think women with hairy armpits are delightful.
21:08Eh?
21:08You what?
21:09How did you know about the Guy Fawkes gunpowder ale?
21:13Don't give me your
21:13huh,
21:14huh,
21:14huh,
21:14huh,
21:14huh,
21:15huh,
21:15huh.
21:16Oh,
21:17all right,
21:17okay,
21:18yeah,
21:18yeah,
21:18yeah,
21:18right,
21:19he's going to get the boy,
21:19he's going to get me son.
21:23Hello?
21:24Son?
21:25Is that you?
21:27It's your dad here?
21:29Yeah,
21:29your dad?
21:30Yeah,
21:31your real dad.
21:32Remember?
21:34No,
21:34well,
21:35look,
21:35I just wanted to,
21:37I just wanted to say,
21:39son,
21:39that I,
21:39I just,
21:41I,
21:41I,
21:42I don't know what to say.
21:45Well,
21:45tell him happy birthday.
21:46Tell him you love him.
21:48Tell him how you allowed my only friend in the world to be burnt to death.
21:54I can't,
21:55I can't,
21:56I can't speak.
21:58Happy birthday to you.
22:01Happy birthday to you.
22:05Happy birthday dear Carlsberg.
22:09Happy birthday to you.
22:17He hung up?
22:19You know what?
22:20He called me.
22:23Papa!
22:23Well,
22:26you see,
22:26he knows you're his dad.
22:29Yeah.
22:29Yeah.
22:30And,
22:30uh,
22:31we can still have your birthday party.
22:33No,
22:33we can't.
22:34They set fire to the dummy.
22:35Yeah,
22:35but we've got another dummy.
22:43Whoa!
22:43Come on,
22:51son,
22:52eat your jelly.
22:54Do I have to?
22:56Stop being selfish.
22:59No,
22:59these shorts are really chafing.
23:02Come on,
23:02son,
23:03sit on my knee and give daddy a kiss.
23:06I'm a confused.
23:07I hate my life.
23:10I hate my life.