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00:00You
00:30All right, where is he?
00:41Excuse me, I was here first.
00:43This is an emergency.
00:45What's wrong with her love?
00:47She swallowed the dog's toy.
00:51And so does nature, weed out the weak and the stupid.
00:54Do you mind? This is serious.
01:00Is she breathing or okay?
01:02Of course she is. Look, there's nothing wrong with her.
01:04I'll tell you what, we live our lives wrapped in cotton wool these days.
01:07I mean, everyone's driving their kids to school
01:09so the kids won't be run over by the people driving their kids to school.
01:13As a result, we're breathing an entire generation of flat-footed,
01:16pigeon-toed, barrel-chested, no-sense-direction, dog-toy-eating twats.
01:22Ooh, he's language like that in front of my child.
01:24Now, I must insist we see a doctor pronto.
01:26It's a non-urgent care club. You'll have to wear it.
01:28Take a number and sit down and we'll see you as soon as possible.
01:31The living end, it really is.
01:35Now, sir, what's your problem? A blow to the head, perhaps?
01:39Eh? No, no, no, I'm fine. I'm here to see Tony Harris.
01:42Where's Tony Harris?
01:43You're at the wrong desk, sir. This is A and E.
01:46Oh, right, what? So I have to go to the desk for H's?
01:49Is that all right for Harry?
01:49It's a bloody stupid system, sweetheart. No wonder the NHS is in such trouble.
01:56A and E stands for Accidents and Emergencies.
02:00I know. Anyway, this is an emergency. I've left my pub in the hands of an Australian.
02:06You stupid man.
02:08It's all right, Harry. I can't take a jump here.
02:09I'm Mr Harris' doctor. I'm just on my way to see him now. Are you a relative?
02:13Oh, I'm more than just a relative, Doc.
02:15I understand. This must be a very difficult time for you.
02:18Yeah, the lunchtime rush is to start up my pub.
02:20You see, well, I have to tell you that Tony is in a very bad way.
02:24I feel I should warn you to prepare yourself for the worst.
02:26He's not going to become French, is he, Doc?
02:28Oh. What's wrong with him?
02:34He's in a metabolic coma as the result of diabetes, which has destroyed the osmotic balance in the brain.
02:39Eh?
02:40In layman's terms, he's unconscious.
02:42It's the inevitable result of bad diet, binge drinking and a lack of exercise.
02:47Exercise? Why would anyone want to exercise in order to live longer?
02:50Yeah, but you haven't thought it through, have you, Doc?
02:52Eh? I mean, when do you do your living longer? Eh?
02:55When is it that you live longer?
02:56Well, at the end of your life, innit? When you fall into bloody pieces.
03:00I mean, if exercising brought you two more years of actually being 19, yeah?
03:0619! 19!
03:09Fair enough, it'd be worth your effort, wouldn't it?
03:12As it is, it buys you two more years of being 90.
03:16You think you're getting yourself eternal youth.
03:18You're not. You're just buying yourself two more years in a home, eating biscuits with no fucking teeth.
03:22You know, reminiscing about your good times down the gym.
03:27Go down to the pub, get yourself some proper memories.
03:30Well, that's a very interesting point of view, but...
03:32Bollocks. I have to go.
03:34All right, Tony, how are you, mate?
03:42Sorry, that came out wrong.
03:46And a mighty a-fallen, eh?
03:48You, you bastard!
03:49You are going to get me my carberry!
03:51This is all that Liz Jackson's fault, cow.
03:58She's never pulled a pint in her life.
04:00Never pulled a pint in her life.
04:02How they could replace you with her, I never understand.
04:05I mean, she's a woman, for a start.
04:07Woman can't do your job, Tony.
04:09No, of course not, because men think with the right side of their brain, don't they, Tony?
04:13Whereas women think with the wrong side of theirs.
04:17Never give her a map.
04:18I bought you these.
04:23Your favourite.
04:24Pork scratchings, Tony.
04:27The deep-fried skin of a pig can't help you now, mate.
04:30Nothing.
04:38Look, I'll pop them in here for you.
04:40You can have them late.
04:45Excuse me, sir, I just need to check Tony's readings.
04:47What are you looking at?
04:48If you'd just step aside.
04:50Give it to me straight, Doc.
04:52How is he?
04:53Actually, I'm a nurse.
04:55What?
04:57A nurse?
04:58But you're a fella.
04:59You're very observant, sir.
05:00God, a bloke and a nurse.
05:02Oh, God, of all the choices you could have made.
05:04Why not a train driver?
05:07Are your parents proud of you?
05:09I believe they are, sir.
05:10Yeah, I bet they are proud of you, tending after the sick, the ill, and the suffering.
05:13Of course, if you didn't have any sick, ill or suffering people, there'd be nothing for you to do.
05:17You parasite!
05:19How do you sleep at night?
05:20Please, sir, we're very busy.
05:22Just let me do my job.
05:23What are you looking at?
05:25Tony would not want a male nurse.
05:27He'd want a proper nurse, a female nurse.
05:29Yeah, in stockings and suspenders who giggled at Nubal Entendres.
05:32Sorry, all our giggling, stocking and suspender nurses are busy at the moment.
05:37Yeah, well, we'll see about that.
05:41Oi, oi, oi, you're a proper nurse.
05:42Come here!
05:45Who's that bloody doctor got to now, eh?
05:47I don't know, sir.
05:48Perhaps he's up tending to the sick.
05:50Well, it's not good enough.
05:51Really?
05:52We've been here almost a quarter of an hour already.
05:54This could be a matter of life and death.
05:57You're a time waster, love.
05:58You don't bring a child to hospital just because you swallowed something.
06:01What you need is a good slap on the back, sweetheart.
06:03If you dare raise a hand to my child.
06:05Yeah, well, maybe if you'd smacked her a bit more often,
06:08she wouldn't go around swallowing dogs playthings.
06:11Wrapped in cotton wool, we are.
06:12I mean, what's this country coming to, eh?
06:14You can't even hit your own kids anymore.
06:17Back off, Brussels!
06:18I mean, my old man used to beat the living daylights out of me.
06:22Never did me any harm.
06:23Hello, I'm Alan Stevens, St John's Andrews.
06:30I couldn't help noticing that things are rather chock-a-block here.
06:34If you require any assistance with minor injuries, then, eh...
06:38Oh, well, maybe later then.
06:41Hello.
06:42Well, it certainly is a small etc, as they say.
06:45Eh?
06:46Remember me?
06:48No.
06:48I did the first aid course at your pub.
06:52First aid is firsty work.
06:53Oh, yes.
06:54Singe.
06:55No, it's Alan.
06:56Yeah, well, I'm a bit busy at the moment, mate.
06:58Oh, well, I've had quite a busy day myself, actually.
07:00Been up to the monster truck extravaganza.
07:03Eh?
07:04Have you seen the size of those things?
07:06Blimey, O'Reilly.
07:07Yeah, it's very interesting.
07:08But the oversized vehicle excitement got a bit much for little Andy here.
07:12Yeah?
07:12Mild attack of asthma.
07:14I put a small bandage on it, but...
07:15Asthma?!
07:16You brought him to hospital for asthma?
07:19Oh, God.
07:19Well, everyone's got asthma these days, hasn't they?
07:21Oh, I can't get down the stairs.
07:23Oh, I can't get back up again.
07:24I'm all right now.
07:25It's ridiculous.
07:27What you need, young man, is to try TB on for size, yeah?
07:30Drown in your own lung pus.
07:34Oh, now watch it, son.
07:36Calm down, sir.
07:36You'll do yourself an inconvenience.
07:38What's happening to this country, eh?
07:40I mean, look, we're breeding a nation of weaklings, aren't we?
07:42God help us if the Germans try again.
07:45And they might.
07:45I mean, look at the past form.
07:47You can only judge a horse by the races it's run.
07:49Leopard.
07:50Spots.
07:51Now, shut up.
07:56Oh, thanks a lot, Doc, but it wasn't how it looks.
08:00No, you don't have to explain.
08:01You see, I was peeling the potatoes in the bath,
08:03trying to kill two curds with one stone,
08:06and, um, I slipped.
08:08Six times.
08:09Yeah?
08:10Well, that's fine, Mr Brooks,
08:11and please, we don't want to see you down here again this month.
08:13Oh, please, Doc, don't bar me.
08:15I won't do it again.
08:16Um, but, but,
08:17can I have me potatoes back?
08:24Oi!
08:25Was that you?
08:26No.
08:26Don't worry.
08:27Got me eye on you.
08:32Chuck into that!
08:35That is the woman I'm going to marry.
08:38Terry!
08:39What are you doing here?
08:40Here to see Tony Harris?
08:41No, I've got some spuds stuck on me, Harris.
08:43Harris, Tony, yeah, I'm here to see Tony Harris.
08:46Good man.
08:48Here, Doc, Doc!
08:50There's a male nurse in there treating Tony.
08:51I don't like it one bit.
08:52Ah, the green-eyed monster.
08:54Eh?
08:55Well, anyway, I want to discharge him now.
08:57God, the man is comatose.
08:59No, he's not.
08:59Tony was never confused.
09:01In layman's terms, he will die without life support.
09:04Yeah, well, we'll see about that.
09:06Yeah!
09:07All right, wear his clothes.
09:09We put what he was wearing in the wardrobe.
09:11Right, come on, Tony.
09:12We're going home.
09:14Oh!
09:14Oh!
09:14Tony!
09:19The shame!
09:21Why?
09:31Neil Barmouth.
09:34Shame.
09:35Terry, show some respect.
09:37That's Tony Harris.
09:38Did you bring him a gift?
09:39Oh, um...
09:41Well, you'd have one of the potato.
09:44You know, you can't have that one.
09:47Oh, that's very kind, Terry.
09:48Er, I'll just pop it near for him.
09:56Well, what are we meant to do now?
09:59I don't know.
10:00Talk to him, I suppose.
10:02But I never even talked to him when he was healthy.
10:05Nor did I.
10:05Can I go now, Garth?
10:11Hospitals are great places to meet women.
10:13That fear of impending death really gets their juices flowing.
10:18Could be my duckie lay.
10:20How car is this, those cute little baby eyes?
10:23Go on, run along, mate.
10:24Cheers.
10:24You know, Tony, if I could swap places with you now, I would, mate.
10:34I would?
10:35Not out of sense of honour.
10:36No, it's just my life's so crap at the moment, I'd rather be in a coma.
10:40Maybe my wife would speak to me.
10:43Ha!
10:45I'll miss my fight now.
10:47It's not all bad news, though, mate.
10:48Hey, we've got this new barmaid.
10:50Yeah, you'd love her.
10:51Janet, she's an Aussie.
10:52Yeah, red for bar work.
10:54That's right.
10:55It's eeens-teens.
10:58Eeeens-teens.
11:00She sees us as gods, mate.
11:02You know that?
11:03She's got a mouth that's filthier than a Prisian sewer,
11:06but she's a good girl.
11:07Underneath it all.
11:08I mean, in her heart, not underneath her clothes.
11:11No.
11:12I thought it'd never cross my mind.
11:14Still, it has been a year.
11:17I'm going to have to ask you to step outside for a moment, sir.
11:20I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
11:21Of course.
11:22I need to give Mr Harris his bed, but...
11:23Oh, no, you don't!
11:25Tony wouldn't want that.
11:26You running a warm, moist flannel up and down his supine body
11:30with his soft, tender, gentle young hands.
11:32All right, Tony.
11:33We'll play doctors and nurses.
11:34Take my clothes off and touch me until I'm better.
11:37Ah!
11:37They were confused.
11:39I'm afraid I have to.
11:42It's part of my job as a nurse.
11:45You parasite!
11:46If you think I'm standing to watch this,
11:47then you've got another thing coming.
11:48Are you all right, sir?
12:09Oh, yeah, I'm just dandy, thank you.
12:10I always travel round like this.
12:12There's no need to be sarcastic.
12:13There is with pricks like you around.
12:14All right, don't leave him for a very serious case.
12:16Just leave him over there.
12:17We'll deal with him later.
12:18Oh, you're so funny, mate.
12:19But...
12:20Oh, wait, wait, come back.
12:22That's our postie.
12:23Horrible, sarky bastard he is.
12:25What happened to him, Don?
12:26Rather nasty wound to the gluteus maximus.
12:28Eh?
12:28In layman's terms, a dog bit him on the bottom, will you please?
12:32No, I wouldn't.
12:33You must think we're stupid.
12:34He obviously gets a sick pleasure by sticking a dog up his arse,
12:38then it bites him and he makes up this cock and bull story.
12:40But it's not clever, eh?
12:44Oh, whoops!
12:46Ha, ha, don't mind me.
12:48I'm terrible.
12:49And what's wrong with you, madam?
12:51Absolutely nothing.
12:53Get away from me, you naughty old lady.
12:56Here, I wouldn't mind.
12:58No, thanks.
12:59I made a mistake the last time.
13:02Oh, well, you loved it, you naughty old lady.
13:06Oi, watch it.
13:10Pervert.
13:11Doctor, I think we should get you a sharpish.
13:14There's a bloke here with rather an angry patch of eczema.
13:17Sorry.
13:19Eczema?
13:20You came to hospital with eczema?
13:22I've got a mate in there who's at death's door
13:24and they're so short of staff, he's having to be bathed by a man.
13:28It's all because of you lot coming in here with nothing wrong with you.
13:31I mean, look at her.
13:32There's nothing wrong with her.
13:33No, actually, I got knocked down by a black calf.
13:36Yeah, well, maybe.
13:36You should have been looking where you was going, you daft cow.
13:39Hey, I don't see why I should have to pay the bill for your stupidity.
13:43There's nothing wrong with him.
13:44Look.
13:44Got a bang on the head in the game.
13:46Need a scan.
13:47National weak links.
13:48What about you, pal?
13:49Heart attack.
13:50Oh, no, that's fair play.
13:51No, it's fair enough.
13:53Your heart actually attacking you?
13:54Fair enough.
13:55Your heart says, I've had enough of these lamps you want.
13:58It happened when we were making love, didn't it?
14:02If you've got to go, that's the way to do it.
14:08Isn't it, lovey?
14:10Oh, yes.
14:10There's still a bit of lead in the old pencil.
14:14But these days, the pencil is retractable.
14:17Oh.
14:17No, I wouldn't say that, lovey.
14:24Disgusting.
14:25No, heart attack, Pops, fair enough.
14:27But the rest of you, you should be ashamed of yourself, shouldn't you?
14:30I mean, in the old days, when you got sick, you got a proper bloody illness, didn't you?
14:34Yeah?
14:34You were poorly at breakfast, dead by tea, yeah?
14:37Proper bloody illness, yeah?
14:38Like the plague, yeah?
14:40Not a plague, not some plague, not St. John's plague, not Terry's plague.
14:45No, the plague, yeah?
14:47It's going to kill you, isn't it?
14:48Chicken, it named the Black Death.
14:50It's carried by rats, for pity's sake.
14:52That is a proper bloody illness, yeah?
14:54It kills one in three people, hmm?
14:56One in three people gets itself a nursery rhyme.
14:59It's a proper bloody illness.
15:02In the interest of the other patients, would you shut your stupid mouth?
15:05God, that's the old way.
15:07When you got sick, you got proper illnesses, didn't you, yeah?
15:10Plagues, poxes, palsies and aigures, yeah?
15:13Not syndromes and disorders.
15:15Shite, you've got us dying of now, eh?
15:18You stupid man.
15:19When you weren't getting better in the old days, you did one simple thing, didn't you?
15:22You didn't take your pills and get better.
15:24No, what you'd do is you'd snap out of it!
15:28Snap out of it!
15:29Snap out of it!
15:31Snap out of it!
15:32Snap out of it!
15:33Snap out of it!
15:34Hello, is that St. Luke's?
15:36I was wondering if one of your patients had escaped again.
15:40No?
15:40Oh, my mistake.
15:42Yeah, that's the bloody doctor got to.
15:44Oh!
15:49Hello, sexy.
15:50Tina, what are you doing here?
15:52Well, you used me as a human shield when your boiler exploded, so I had to come here and
15:57wait for my flesh wounds and my bones to heal.
16:00Well, yeah, sorry about that.
16:02Never mind, accidents happen.
16:04Look, I can almost walk by myself again.
16:06Good!
16:07Why didn't you visit?
16:09I don't know.
16:10Wasted opportunity.
16:12Me laid up in bed for three months.
16:14Just where you want me.
16:15Look, um, I'll be finished in five minutes.
16:22Why don't you meet me back here?
16:24I know a little place we could go to.
16:26Really?
16:27Yeah, well, I normally wouldn't give you another chance, but you're so damn cute.
16:33Thank you, God.
16:40Magma?
16:43No, doctor.
16:44This is terrible.
16:46I can't believe it.
16:47Miss Jackson.
16:48Kill.
16:49Are you sure?
16:50Tests are very conclusive.
16:52How long to go?
16:54In layman's terms, no more than six months.
16:56A result!
16:57She's going to die!
16:59But there are people on hand to offer support and help with...
17:03Arseholes!
17:04Excuse me.
17:12Governor.
17:13Hello.
17:15I'm here seeing my auntie-grandma.
17:19What brings you here?
17:20Tony Harris, the man you replaced.
17:22He's at death's door.
17:23In there.
17:24Yes.
17:24That's it.
17:25I'm here to see Tony Harris.
17:26The brewery sent me.
17:27Really?
17:29Hello?
17:30Can anybody see me, bloody NHS shirkers?
17:33They're parasites, aren't they, mate?
17:35I looked like I was talking to you.
17:39There he is.
17:41The broken shell of the man whose life you destroyed.
17:48It wasn't my fault.
17:50They had to sack Tony.
17:52He was an alcoholic.
17:53Please, we don't call them that.
17:54We prefer the term season ticket holders on life's bounteous bus of booze.
18:02You're right.
18:04Maybe it was my fault.
18:05Maybe I'm too ambitious.
18:07Maybe all this is karma.
18:10Karma.
18:11Karma chameleon.
18:13Do you remember that song?
18:14No.
18:14You see, all I ever wanted was to be a brewery rep.
18:21Other girls wanted to be actresses or nurses.
18:24Yeah.
18:24Not just the girls, eh?
18:26What's the problem?
18:27I just wanted to oversee the day-to-day workings of nine to twelve public houses.
18:35Really?
18:36I always wanted to be a landlord.
18:39You are, you see.
18:40You and I have got more in common than you might think.
18:42Really?
18:43No, you haven't.
18:47All my eligibility making my dream come true.
18:50Never had much time for boyfriends.
18:53And now, just when I'd achieved my aim, just when everything looked perfect, I've got to face this alone.
19:01There, there.
19:08Here, give me that.
19:18Sorry.
19:20You must think I'm a right drongo.
19:22Come on, Vicky, get a life.
19:24Get a life!
19:29It's all right.
19:31Snap out of it!
19:35Oh, bugger, Tina!
19:51Gov!
19:52Gov!
19:52Not now, Terry.
19:53No, no, no, see that bird there?
19:55She's agreed to be my wife.
19:56Well, I think so.
19:58She was rambling on a bit, but I'm pretty sure she agreed to marry me.
20:01And not that 12-foot arse she's talking to.
20:04Oi, you!
20:05That is your final warning.
20:07Oh, hello.
20:10I need to have a word with you.
20:11No, not now, Doc.
20:12In a minute.
20:12It's quite urgent.
20:13You see, Tony has no living relative, so I have to ask you something, which is...
20:17Oh, shitcakes.
20:194-0.
20:20I don't know why I keep the football updates on my page.
20:22I'm just depressing.
20:24Anyway, look.
20:25As Tony's partner...
20:27Why?
20:28I'm not his partner.
20:29Oh, no.
20:30Never confused.
20:31I am his mate.
20:32Oh, I see.
20:32I'm sorry.
20:33No, no, no.
20:34Tony and I share that sort of love that can exist between two men that homosexuals will
20:38never understand.
20:40We need permission to turn off his life support machine.
20:43Yeah, yeah, whatever.
20:46It's all right, Doc.
20:47Joke's over.
20:48Why isn't anyone seeing to me?
20:50In layman's terms, because you're a twat.
20:52Maybe I can be of some, et cetera, as they say.
20:58Alan Stevens, St John's Ambulance.
21:01Now, what's the problem?
21:03Oh, that is a rather nasty cut, isn't it?
21:06Oh, sorry, now I'm looking at the wrong bit.
21:11Please see my daughter.
21:13All in good time, madam.
21:15Look at me when I'm talking to you.
21:17For pity's sake, give her here.
21:18No.
21:19Nap her out of it.
21:20Oh.
21:22Good morning.
21:35Shut up, you dozy cunt.
21:36I'm trying to help her, aren't I?
21:41Right, mate, put your fists up.
21:43It was OK when it was just me, but now you've upset my fiancé, too.
21:47It's unbelievable.
22:07It seems that Mr. Harris was revived by this mixture of insulin, pork scratchings, used tissue, and a somewhat soiled potato.
22:17These ingredients combine to create what is, in layman's terms, an elixir of life.
22:22Well, if this gets out, we'll all be out of a job.
22:27Precisely.
22:28Now, none of you are to speak of this ever again.
22:33I'm sorry, Tina.
22:34I know you understand.
22:35I'm sure when you're all fixed up in six months' time, we can go on that date, love.
22:42Gav, can you get back to the pub now?
22:44I'm gasping.
22:45Bye, Tina, my love.
22:53What was that noise, Terry?
22:54Oh, in all that kerfuffle, I must have accidentally fallen on that dog toy.
23:01What do you want me to take it out for you, mate?
23:02No, no, no.
23:04It's all right.
23:05You know, they're so busy today.
23:07No need to bother, am I?
23:08No.
23:24No need to bother, am I?
23:51No.