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00:00There you go, me Aussie mates, another round of freebies, another pint here, please.
00:28Geez, hang on.
00:30There you go, that'll be 20 of your British quid pounds, thanks.
00:38It's gone up again?
00:40Yeah, afraid so.
00:41But if you don't like it, you can drink somewhere else.
00:44But there isn't another pub round there for almost a hundred yards.
00:49Oh dear, what a pity, never mind.
00:53Prank on!
00:55Wait, the government stand for this!
00:58Yeah, but I'm your new gov now.
01:01Your old gov's dead.
01:02Dead!
01:03Hey, what do you reckon about a bit of an Aussie Barbie?
01:06Well, who's been exploring this crappy weather?
01:07Hell, who said we had to go outside, eh?
01:16That's enough!
01:19We've sat here and taken your insults and rudeness for ten months.
01:23We have had to.
01:24You control the alcohol supply.
01:27Come on, lads.
01:28We're going to rouse the governor.
01:30No goody.
01:31Hey, Dave-o.
01:32Hey, what are we going to eat?
01:33Oh, no whacking for it.
01:34Simon-o found these chops down behind the fridge!
01:36Yeah!
01:37Yeah!
01:38Why did they leave me?
01:39Why?
01:40Why?
01:41Why?
01:42Why?
01:43Why?
01:44Why?
01:45Why?
01:46Why do they leave me?
01:47Why?
01:48Why?
01:49Why?
01:50Why?
01:52Now prepare yourselves, fellas, the gov's been in this room a...
02:04long time.
02:06probably isn't gonna smell too pretty quickly let us in oh how to tell demons
02:17God God God God is that you don't call me Guff no man is the
02:35guv of another well don't listen to him he's delicious you've got to come
02:41downstairs they're ruining your pub I have no pub what's the matter with him this
02:47character change is reminiscent of captain Jean-Luc Picard assimilation by
02:51the Borg do go on it sounds most interesting let the magic of this fairy
02:59tale season lift your spirits Christmas comes but once a year there's still a
03:06better average than me mate two years is a long time
03:11it's all right gov look I bought you a pint ah no thanks Terry I don't drink any more
03:23no I mean what's the point of drinking I it's not as though anyone actually
03:29enjoys drinking is it how could he say such things listen to him prof he know if
03:36not what he's going on about oh yes I do I do beers disgusting no one really likes
03:41it no one at least Alka Pops and dessert wine tastes nice so what if they're
03:46fruit based drinks scaring me but you always said a pint for the fella it
03:51doesn't matter what I always said does it stop it gov no I mean I mean I always
03:58said I hated the French but I haven't been to France have I I was only using the
04:02French to define myself would I I need them
04:06I was always confused Terry no you weren't you you've just forgotten here gov take a sip please you
04:23won't regret it don't look prof do not be tempted to go to the dark side
04:35stop it gov I know that what you're saying about the booze is true but you're
04:58spoiling the magical illusion for the little ones
05:02the truth will only destroy them you to go and get help I'll keep him talking
05:07yeah that's right you leave I don't need you you're sad degenerate alcoholics yeah
05:13that's right alcoholics not dukes of draft not barons of booze not vainglorious
05:19vodka no alcoholics no don't go why do they leave me why everyone I've ever cared about my wife my boy
05:36Jamie Jamie Steve to be fair gov you did kick Steve out that's all the point you know I've been sat in this bed now for 10 months trying to figure it out why do they leave me why why
05:51it's a mister on all right come on gov get out of bed put on some man's clothes
06:00mouth to mouth to me
06:03no it isn't not your mouth isn't come on two years is a long time no gov look I could never think about you in that way you're my gov my landlord you don't shit on your own doorstep not when you can curl one out in the pub beer garden
06:24nothing
06:31oh come on you tools you gotta light it I mean you call yourselves Aussie and you can't even light a barbie
06:38hang on look
06:40yeah
06:43oh yeah I'm an Aussie all right
06:50come on quickly answer those things that the governor said
06:56I'll pay no heed to him he was possessed by demons
07:00you like the taste of alcohol don't you
07:03of course I do if you and I didn't like the taste of alcohol why do we spend every day of our adult lives in here
07:11we'd have been living a lie
07:13mmm delicious
07:18oh at last hello oh miss Jackson hello
07:24is Barry there
07:26he's changing a nappy
07:28well when he's changed the nappy could you ask him to ring me back it's the old man with no name
07:35no name at the pub with no name
07:40Barry wears a nappy
07:42I am relieved to hear that I'm not the only one
07:46it's the baby's nappy you clucked
07:50come on Gub
07:52put on one of your jackets and come and save our pub
07:56what's the point Terry
07:57I mean what's the point of anything eh
07:59I mean the world could end right now couldn't it
08:02a comet could come hurtling out of space couldn't it
08:04crash into the sea
08:05spill the world's oceans drowning us all yeah or the ice caps could melt drowning us all
08:10or someone could leave the taps on drowning us all
08:13that's the drowning options covered
08:15but what would be worse than that in those circumcisions would be all the fish would be safe
08:22and all the surviving humans would be their slaves
08:26it would be like a planet of the fish situation
08:29god I hate fish I should have killed them all when I had the chance
08:33or the greenhouse effect could take effect couldn't it yeah and choke the world with a plague of tiny green unripe tomatoes and old ladies in leather gloves
08:48yeah you gotta look on the bright side
08:54burn burn burn
08:58hey you know fellas fire is just really good isn't it
09:01I mean it's so hot and bright
09:03I reckon fire is my all time 100% absolute favourite hot bright thing
09:08except for the sun
09:10oh the sun is mint ox
09:13but the sun is fire in a way Dabo
09:15yeah but the sun is in outer space instead of here on planet earth
09:18oh yeah if the sun was here on planet earth
09:21it'd be too hot and bright and stuff would just catch fire
09:24what like water and wet stuff
09:26yeah Rayo's right
09:27even water would catch fire
09:30even fire itself would burst into flames
09:33amazing fire on fire
09:37hello Barry it's the guv he's in trouble thank you goodbye
09:47they said they'd get here as quickly as they could
09:51we got here as quickly as we could
09:54oh my goodness me
09:58it's even worse than I imagined
10:01why didn't you contact me sooner
10:03we didn't want to disturb you with your new responsibility
10:06how is the little one
10:08who told you about that
10:11the baby I mean the baby
10:13oh he's doing fine
10:15Barry
10:16do you like changing nappies
10:18well er I haven't exactly got the hang of it yet
10:22why
10:23no reason
10:24come on fellas let's go and see to the governor
10:28or the Chinese
10:31the Chinese
10:32the Chinese
10:33the Chinese
10:34the Chinese
10:35the Chinese
10:36all of them
10:37all at once
10:38could jump up and down
10:39simultaneously
10:41yeah
10:41like that
10:43crack the earth's crust
10:45oh yeah there's enough of them
10:47they're angry
10:48and no one knows why
10:49but
10:50my solution
10:51would be to fly out
10:52some proper cutlery
10:54yeah
10:54just to calm them down
10:55in the short term
10:56oi
10:57no one can eat with OCs
10:59it's not normal is it
11:00where's the skill in being had to eat with one hand eh
11:02well
11:05Barry
11:08Mike
11:08Dave
11:09thank Christ you're here
11:10cheers
11:11oh bollocks
11:13oh I said
11:13we said cheers
11:16piss off
11:17carry on fellas
11:19let's hear it for the beer
11:20cheers
11:21all hail to the ale
11:24cheers
11:25oh char
11:26and welcome the wine
11:28for the ladies
11:29anyone can have wine if they like
11:31right that's enough
11:33step out of it
11:35step out of it
11:37step out of it
11:38if the step out of it approach doesn't work
11:43we have to bring out the big guns
11:45get the layman out of here
11:46they mustn't see this
11:48you know what to do fellas
11:51in the beginning there was darkness
12:15and the lord said
12:17let there be lager
12:19and there was lager
12:21and the lord looked upon the lager
12:24and saw it was good
12:26especially with a bag of nuts
12:28for as man was made different from woman
12:33so the lager is unlike the wine
12:36what is that with us
12:38well never shall you mix the grape and the grain
12:42wine on beer
12:44makes you a queer
12:45so we as landlords
12:49have been called upon to serve
12:52uphold these traditions
12:55as our fathers did before us
12:57it is right to uphold these traditions
13:00it's not only right
13:01it's our duty
13:02sprinkle them with holy beer
13:06your mother drinks pints in hell
13:16no she doesn't
13:19she drinks wine
13:20well done michael
13:22the yucca crisps
13:23all right bugger it
13:34use the funnel
13:35use the funnel
13:35you're evil
13:47oh
13:53oh
14:01oh
14:04oh
14:05oh
14:08oh
14:09Oh!
14:10Oh!
14:11Oh!
14:12It's the same stuff, boys!
14:13Yes, that's the hope we did happen!
14:15Oh!
14:16Oh!
14:17Oh!
14:18Oh!
14:19Oh!
14:20Oh!
14:21Oh!
14:22Oh!
14:23Oh!
14:24Oh!
14:25Oh!
14:26Oh!
14:27Oh!
14:28Oh!
14:29Don't leave!
14:30Oh!
14:31Why did I leave me?
14:32Why?
14:33Oh!
14:34Oh!
14:35Oh!
14:36Oh!
14:37Oh!
14:38Oh!
14:39Oh!
14:40Oh!
14:41Oh!
14:42Perhaps they're right!
14:44Perhaps it is the answer!
14:46Mm!
14:47Mm!
14:48Mm!
14:49Mm!
14:50Mm!
14:51Mm!
14:52Mm!
14:53Mm!
14:54Mm!
14:55Mm!
14:56No!
14:57All my life's problems have been caused by beer!
15:01Or women!
15:02Women or beer!
15:03It's time to say enough!
15:05No more!
15:06No more women!
15:07No more beer!
15:08Ah!
15:09Oh!
15:10Oh!
15:11Beer women!
15:12Oh!
15:13Oh!
15:14Oh!
15:15Oh!
15:16Oh!
15:17Oh!
15:18Oh!
15:19Oh!
15:20Oh!
15:21Oh!
15:22Oh!
15:23Oh!
15:24Oh!
15:25Oh!
15:26Oh!
15:27Oh!
15:28Oh!
15:29Oh!
15:30Oh!
15:31Oh!
15:32Oh!
15:33Oh!
15:34Oh!
15:35Oh!
15:36Oh!
15:37Oh!
15:38Oh!
15:39Oh!
15:40Oh!
15:41Oh!
15:42Oh!
15:43Oh!
15:44Oh!
15:45Oh!
15:46Oh!
15:47Oh!
15:48Oh!
15:49Oh!
15:50Oh!
15:51Oh!
15:52Oh!
15:53Oh!
15:54Oh!
15:55Oh!
15:56Oh!
15:57Oh!
15:58Oh!
15:59Oh!
16:00Oh!
16:01Oh!
16:02Oh!
16:03Oh!
16:04Oh!
16:05Oh!
16:06Oh!
16:07Oh!
16:08Oh!
16:09Oh!
16:10Oh!
16:11Oh!
16:12Oh!
16:13Oh!
16:14Oh!
16:15Oh!
16:16Oh!
16:17Oh!
16:18the symbolism of this sad tableau.
16:21All right, gals, cease.
16:24You're a disgrace to the profession and the academy.
16:27Your dad would be turned in his grave if he could see you now,
16:30whoever he was.
16:32You're gonna have to do the honourable thing, sloppies.
16:35All right, girls, we'd better get back to my bar, eh?
16:38What I'm gonna do is take your tops off, shake you up and down,
16:41and spray foam all over your rims.
16:43Oh, Greg.
16:45You'll have to stop it.
16:56Perhaps he's right.
16:59Here goes.
17:00One, two, three!
17:09It's harder than it looks.
17:11Perhaps I should pray.
17:13Yeah, I'd do it.
17:16Dear God, I don't know if you're listening right now,
17:20though, let's face it, in a minute we're gonna have to face-to-face chat, aren't we?
17:23But I just need to know if I'm doing the right thing.
17:26I mean, God, send me a sign, can you?
17:29Jesus Christ, if you're out there, come into my life.
17:34Jesus Christ!
17:35Hello!
17:36It was Jack's cow!
17:37It's just you, not I thought you were.
17:38Never mind.
17:39Come on, governor, take a chill pill.
17:40It's just me and my baby.
17:41We're on our way to the brewery nativity play, starring roles.
17:44Fame, I'm gonna live forever.
17:45Do you remember that film?
17:46No.
17:47You thought it might help you get things in perspective if you saw the little one.
17:48Who told you about that?
17:49No, I mean, the baby.
17:50Oh, I mean, the baby.
17:51Oh, yeah, yeah.
17:52The baby.
17:53Oh, look at him, he's beautiful, isn't he?
17:54Yeah.
17:55Your own little brat-cousin.
17:56Weren't there?
17:57I could have a little bit of Delivery nativity play, starring roles.
17:59I'm gonna live forever.
18:01Do you remember that film?
18:02No.
18:03You thought it might help you get things in perspective if you saw the little one.
18:06Who told you about that?
18:07No, I mean, the baby.
18:10Oh, yeah, yeah.
18:11The baby.
18:12Look at him, he's beautiful, isn't he?
18:15Yeah.
18:19Your own little brother, cousin.
18:22cousin what's he called well we called him after what Vicky was drinking when
18:28he was conceived or the traditional landlord way so he's called campari or
18:34camp for sure you grow up confused would you like a little time alone with him
18:41together yeah oh I don't think that's a good idea Barry of course it is look at
18:46him he's a mentalist Vicky do as I say you are my common-law platonic wife and I
18:55command you Barry you're so masterful get a grip Barry
19:04oh this brings it back first time I held my boy my boy I miss him in my arms and when you hold that
19:21child in your arm for the first time there's all them feelings that rush through you there's a damn
19:24burst of emotions there's there's love joy tenderness confession there's relief thank
19:31God it wasn't me who had to shunt this out me clack up
19:37what size of that head oh my god no I couldn't no definitely not and I've laid some cable in me time
19:47this fear am I gonna be a good father am I up to this there's doubt is it mine there's significance
19:58I've created human life I I'm a god there's insignificance well that's it my life's over I
20:05better knuckle down and get on with it but most of all there's hope blind unquestioning hope hope
20:12of a better tomorrow hope of a better future look at all that hope in your beautiful little eyes hey
20:18yeah and that's why I cannot give up being a landlord no because I have to live to see that hope
20:26crushed into the ground like all the hope that's gone before it oh you think you're better than me
20:32with your hope don't you hey well you're not son no you're not and there's only one thing that could
20:39be relied on to crush all vestige of hope that's right alcohol oh yeah that's it I'm back back in the saddle
20:58now for you son not till you're 13
21:04there you go Jaxie there's your baby told you I won't hurt him right you Aussie rubbish
21:19that's enough hey hey bull hero gov oh look I can explain uh I'm Aussie and uh and destroying
21:28indigenous culture is one of the Aussiest things you can do you don't have to explain anything
21:32you have broken my pub
21:34kind of a small portion of that moisture is actually going on us now they've got on me
21:42now get out of here you Aussie bastard if you don't leave right now I'm going to rearrange your face
21:46so comprehensively you're going to have to teach your arse how to speak speaking arse yeah well
21:54if i had a speaking arse being australian i could put on a show in a london theater you know like
21:59ventriloquism of the arse and it runs right go and whack near the god now get out of my
22:06gap you freeloading aussie bastards good to have your back gov thanks terry yeah we missed you
22:21you too you stupid old bastard what's hell without you thanks brof yeah yeah get off me now all right
22:30prof get off now gentlemen i'll just let you know that earlier on i may have said some things
22:38all right you see i wasn't myself you see it was the lack of booze talking hey it's all right gov
22:49we've practically forgotten already thanks terry but you know what would really help to ensure
22:54turtle ambrosia how can i resist those cute baby eyes all right then free drinks for everyone on the
23:04arse merry christmas everybody oh goody i'll have a virgin mary please do you get it no
23:24um
23:28so
23:34so
23:36so
23:38so
23:44so
23:46so