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00:00And I told you, Miss bloody Jackson Cowell, I do not want a new bloody chef.
00:23I thought you'd be pleased.
00:24This is my gaffe. I do the cooking.
00:26It's one of the few things I can do with these useless bloody hands.
00:30What's wrong with your hands, Governor?
00:33Oh, er, nothing.
00:35Anyway, look at this specials board. It's a disgrace.
00:37The boy can't even spell specials, can he? Look at it.
00:40God, and this punctuation. Look, that's plain bloody ignorance.
00:43Ignorance, that's what it is.
00:45Who was it who said ignorance is bliss?
00:48I don't know. And you know what? I don't care.
00:51Shut up, Crosby.
00:53Look at this menu. It's disgusting.
00:56Chick, pea and leek soup. It's making soup out of the pea and leek of a chicken.
01:01Oh.
01:02I mean, stinging nettles, have we really sunk so low?
01:05I mean, who's going to want to eat stinging nettles?
01:07A vegetarian masochist?
01:09Well, a vegetarian has to be a masochist to come in here.
01:11Do you know how hard it was for me to swing this for you?
01:15Do you blinky well know who you've got in there, do you?
01:18I don't care who he is. I always said I'd never have another chef in here, not after the last one.
01:22It'd be a hard act to follow, all right?
01:24A prime exponent of haute cuisine.
01:27Oi! Prof!
01:28No, French!
01:29What was he a prime exponent of?
01:31High kitchen.
01:32That's better.
01:33Fortunately, he found just doing ploughman's a bit limiting and, sadly, he committed suicide.
01:38It was tragic. We found him with his head in the oven.
01:41Very professional. Apple in his gob.
01:45Fantastic. Crackling.
01:47Blacky stiff.
01:49Anywho, this new chef is not just any chef. He's a celebrity chef.
01:53I've never heard of him.
01:55He's got a weekly column in the local paper. It's very popular.
01:58The bare-ass naked cook.
02:02Bacon sarni, my stylie.
02:07Who is this, puns?
02:09And look, as of Monday, I will be head cook en résidence...
02:13Oi! No French!
02:15In residence.
02:16That's better.
02:16...at the cow shed via the Chemical Works.
02:19Come over and pig out on my pucker-tucker.
02:22Who do you think he is?
02:24Hey, I recognise him.
02:26He was in an episode of the Cooking Against the Clock quiz, What a Cooker.
02:30And that is my third favourite show behind Fact Hunt and My Dodeca Dads.
02:34Shut up, Crosby.
02:36Why Dodeca Dads? I don't remember that programme.
02:38Oh, it's ace.
02:39It's about a woman who gets drunk and goes to bed with an entire football team, including the sub.
02:45Right, she gets pregnant.
02:46But nobody knows who the father is.
02:47But rather than take her DNA test, her and all 12 blokes decide to share a flat and bring the baby up together.
02:55So it's funny, and it's heartwarming, and it's got football in it.
03:00I said shut up!
03:09Handsome, isn't he?
03:10Very popular with the ladies.
03:12A hunk like that who can cook as well.
03:15Oh, what woman could resist?
03:17If he can master one traditionally feminine area, one can only imagine his other skills.
03:21I know he's popular with the ladies.
03:23My bloody barmaid's only been in there mooning over him all bloody morning.
03:27Oi!
03:27Bloody student!
03:28So lovely.
03:29Get back to work!
03:31Son off, you fat-faced gonad!
03:34I am not a gonad!
03:36This is only a temporary glandular problem.
03:41So you get to your frying pan, bang it down on your flat and ring.
03:44I love it.
03:45Banged on my ring, Jamie.
03:47Pucker!
03:48Splatting your extra virgin, just like me.
03:50Only kidding.
03:51I don't understand you with your, none of this low-fat malarkey.
03:55Oh, God, no.
03:56Now, if I'm going to get some malarkey, I want to be covered in grease.
03:59Exactly.
03:59You could grill it, but if you're a bit of a tiger, you'll want me full morning glory.
04:03Ah!
04:04Great.
04:04Jamie, you're the bare-ass naked cook.
04:09So when do I get to see your bare-ass naked?
04:11Yeah, a lot of people say that, but I'm actually a bare-ass naked cook because I want to get back to the bare essentials of cooking.
04:17Right.
04:18So where does the naked-ass bit come in?
04:19Shouldn't you just be called the bare essentials cook?
04:21Yeah, that's what I wanted, but my manager said I had to put the word ass in it for the fans.
04:27So, er, you'd do anything for your fans, right, Jimmy?
04:30Right.
04:31So, let me finish the recipe.
04:33You get your sandwich loaf, and here's the killer.
04:36Cut it sideways.
04:37Yeah, yeah, great.
04:38Really interesting.
04:38That way, you get a humongous sandwich.
04:42Oh, Jamie!
04:49So, what are you hanging around for, Miss Bloody Jackson?
04:53Cow.
04:54And you've got an urgent urinal emergency up at the yellow pantaloons.
04:59No, nothing doing today.
05:01Bog off, Mike.
05:03So, maybe we should go and meet and greet our celebrities.
05:08See how he's getting on.
05:10No, we're not going to.
05:12No-one wants to eat stinging nettles.
05:13It's not normal.
05:17Ta-na!
05:18Got any lunch left?
05:22Oh, ravioli.
05:24Or forage, stinging nettles, marjoram, and fresh ricotta.
05:30Mmm, good.
05:32Unless I'm very much mistaken freshly grated nutmeg to taste.
05:36You surpass yourself, gov.
05:39Yes.
05:40I didn't want to say anything before, but everything else I've eaten here has been shit.
05:44A load of fucking shit.
05:47Well, this is blinding.
05:48What's for artless?
05:50Turon nougat.
05:51Semi-fredo.
05:52Oh, my favourite, provided it's only semi-fredo.
05:56Good.
05:56I find a hold, Fredo, rather bloating.
06:00Ring it on!
06:02Hold on a minute, Terry.
06:04Aren't you barred?
06:06Not a dog's chance.
06:08Yeah, he is.
06:08He cloned Gary from a patch of fur.
06:14I've always said that if technology exists, some lunatic's going to use it.
06:18So you can count your lucky stars.
06:20That lunatic was me and not some real lunatic.
06:24Crosby, take this sack and some bricks and do whatever we do when Gary has puppies.
06:28What's that?
06:29Take him to the canal and see if any of them are the living reincarnation of Harry Houdini.
06:34So many times.
06:36Statistically, we're bound to find him soon.
06:39Surely.
06:40And when we do, your quid's in.
06:42Try not to drown the real one.
06:43I know it makes no difference, but I'm a sentimental old fool.
06:48You still here, then?
06:50It's got nowhere better to go.
06:53I said, bog off, Mike.
06:55You know, I really think it would be a good idea to go and see how the chef's getting on.
06:59Yeah, well, I don't.
07:00Well, I think we should.
07:01Well, I don't think it's a good idea.
07:02I really think it would be a good idea.
07:05Well, I disagree.
07:08Listen to me, Governor.
07:09I am not leaving that beefcake alone in there with little Miss Prissy Knickers and her oh-so-pert and perfectly-formed bosom.
07:16So we are crapping well going in there to say hello.
07:22Hello.
07:24Hi, Mick.
07:25Good morning.
07:26Good.
07:27I apologise for swearing.
07:29Hey, wait a minute.
07:30Oh, I'm coming, too.
07:31I knew it the minute he'll put his semi in my mouth.
07:34That was the man I'm going to marry.
07:35Are you confused?
07:36I was never less confused.
07:38Ah!
07:39Nearly finished.
07:40Just, uh, chuck on loads of herbs.
07:43Always have a well-stacked rack.
07:44You've got to look after your commodities.
07:45Yeah, don't I just know it?
07:47Oh, dear, you're so wonderful.
07:49If you've managed to master one traditionally feminine area, one can only imagine your other skills.
07:53Other skills?
07:55Yeah, I was going to make that milkshake for you, wasn't I?
07:57Oh, no, it's OK.
07:58No, let me do it.
08:03Oh, no!
08:04Oh, gosh!
08:05Oh!
08:06Oh, dear!
08:06Oh, dear!
08:07I see what's going on my breasts.
08:09My magnificent breasts.
08:11They need cleaning.
08:11Will you lick it off for me?
08:12I'm sorry, Doctor, just in the nick of time.
08:17Sorry to break this up, Connie.
08:19Oh, it doesn't matter.
08:20I wasn't getting anywhere anyway.
08:21This bloke thinks with his wok.
08:24We'll see.
08:26Hello.
08:28My name's Vicky Jackson from the brewery.
08:31I, uh, hired you.
08:33But I don't want you to think of me as a boss.
08:36Just a friend.
08:37A very good friend.
08:38Why don't you try and make it a bit more obvious, you slag?
08:43Vicky, nice to put a face to her name.
08:45And what a wonderful boat race.
08:46Oh, really?
08:47I didn't get to go this year.
08:49Not on your reds.
08:50Yeah, yeah.
08:52Thanks for having me along anyway.
08:53Respect.
08:54Oh, respect coming right back at you.
08:58Uh, respect, yeah.
08:59Yeah, respect, my bro.
09:01You're my main man, man.
09:03Um, how's it hanging?
09:07All right, thanks.
09:08Nice to meet you anyway.
09:09I can't believe you're really here.
09:14The bare-ass naked cook.
09:16I hope you didn't think I'm being cheeky.
09:17I was just wondering,
09:18when will we get to see your bare-ass naked?
09:21I'm just kidding.
09:23Yeah, yeah.
09:23I'll get that a lot, you see.
09:24But I'm actually the bare-ass naked cook.
09:26How many of you got to go, Miss Jackson?
09:28Haven't you got, like, a condom catastrophe
09:29up at the shipwreck's Eamon?
09:31No.
09:32My dial is clear all day.
09:34I shall be here all day.
09:36Fuck off, Mike!
09:42Have you met the governor?
09:43No.
09:44I think he's been hiding from me.
09:46It's all right.
09:46I don't want to see your bare-ass, mate.
09:48Never confused.
09:49I do.
09:50Get him off.
09:52None of my regulars want to eat
09:53your stinging nettles
09:54or your chicken urine.
09:55It's not normal.
09:56I want you out.
09:57Now!
09:58Hey, gov, I hear you,
09:59and I know where you're coming from.
10:00Who told you about that?
10:01And let me inform you,
10:03I'm the bare-ass naked cook,
10:04not chef.
10:05I'm about ordinary food,
10:06not chef-y food.
10:07Custy!
10:08I don't like you, son.
10:11You're too keen.
10:14Maybe this will earn me
10:15a few brownie points.
10:16I'll give you my brownie point, mate.
10:18Now, remember,
10:19I'm the spoon,
10:20not the yoghurt pot.
10:23Now, I see what you're getting at there.
10:24Your attempts at humour
10:25are slowly improving.
10:27Don't try that.
10:28You're never going to charm me into bed.
10:29You nauseate me.
10:31Flatulence will get you nowhere.
10:36This is delicious!
10:37I mean, the way that the rocket
10:39complements the thick-cut organic bacon,
10:42in fact, you've got basil
10:43sprinkled on the freshly cut tomatoes.
10:46What's this in the butter?
10:47A hint of garlic.
10:51Garlic!
10:51I want this pot's out of here!
11:02Now, go!
11:04Don't worry, Jamie.
11:05I'll smooth things over.
11:06No, it's OK.
11:06I will.
11:07Get out of my way, you bitch!
11:08Get out of my way!
11:08Um, all right.
11:11I just wanted to say,
11:12I loved your ravioli
11:14and your Sebby Freddo was subliminal.
11:17Oh, pucker!
11:19What'd you call me?
11:21Pucker?
11:22I said pucker.
11:23That's what I thought you said.
11:24Nobody calls Terry Brooks a pucker.
11:26It means good.
11:28I know what it means,
11:29but no-one calls Terry Brooks a pucker.
11:32And I think
11:32I was going to marry you.
11:38You don't seem to understand
11:40the kudos that this man
11:41could attach to your estate.
11:42Save your breath, ladies.
11:44I'm not interested.
11:45He's leaving.
11:45Good.
11:46He called me a pucker, the panker.
11:49You have to let him stay.
11:51He's got a six-month contract.
11:52Plus, I really, really want to shag him.
11:55You only come and I saw him first.
11:56You didn't.
11:57I did.
11:58I've been reading this column for ages.
12:00Well, since when?
12:01Oh, since about last July.
12:03Yeah, well, I've been reading, like, June.
12:05Yeah, well, I meant May.
12:07Oh, my boy.
12:08Ladies, ladies, please,
12:09don't fret yourself.
12:10It's all academic,
12:11because that ponce is leaving.
12:13As of now, I'm writing out his P-45.
12:17Hold on a minute.
12:17What's his name?
12:18Hello.
12:19Jamie Hardy.
12:20Jamie?
12:21Jamie?
12:22Jamie?
12:23God!
12:24There's some people out there
12:26taking diabolical liberties
12:27with their names, aren't there?
12:28I mean, what's wrong with James?
12:29It's a beautiful British name.
12:31You called James,
12:32you called yourself
12:33Jim, Jimmy.
12:35Jimbo.
12:36Jimbo.
12:36Out of push, yes.
12:38Never, ever,
12:39for the sake of this country
12:40and all you old dear
12:41call yourself Jamie.
12:43Call yourself Jamie,
12:44next thing you know
12:45you're learning to dance,
12:46aren't you?
12:47Writing his moped
12:48like some mod wanker.
12:50It mods me.
12:52Yeah, or worse still,
12:54frying eggs in olive oil.
12:55Ah, get him!
12:57It's time for the
12:57bare-ass naked cook
12:58to put on some y-fronts
13:00and go home.
13:01Look, we've run out
13:02of white wine.
13:02Run out?
13:03Of white wine?
13:04How is that possible?
13:09Bloody hell!
13:11Where'd they all come from?
13:13What are you doing here?
13:14You're embarrassing me.
13:16Oh, shut up, Algernon.
13:17You'll understand
13:18when you're older.
13:19But I am.
13:20Do you want a paddle?
13:22No.
13:23Where is he?
13:24Where's the bare-ass
13:26naked cook?
13:27I'm afraid that Mr. Bare-ass
13:28does not work here any longer.
13:30We want bare-ass.
13:32We want bare-ass.
13:33We want bare-ass.
13:35We want bare-ass.
13:37We want bare-ass.
13:38Oh, God!
13:42Wallop your scallops
13:43in the wok
13:43and let's get frying tonight.
13:45That's it, Jimmy.
13:47Killed a fish.
13:48I ain't fish, me.
13:49Why have you got your clothes on?
13:51I thought you were
13:52the bare-ass cook.
13:55Yeah, yeah.
13:56A lot of people say
13:56that very funny
13:57but I'm actually
13:57the bare-ass naked cook
13:58because I want to get back...
13:59Oh, shut up
14:00and show us your bum.
14:03Show us your bum.
14:04Show us your bum.
14:06Show us your bum.
14:07Show us your bum.
14:08Calm down.
14:08I'll tuck this wok
14:09back in the kitchen.
14:10Are you calling me
14:11a wok now,
14:12are you punks?
14:14I'm so glad
14:15you decided
14:15to keep Jamie on,
14:16Guvnor.
14:17Yeah, but I'm more glad.
14:19No, I am.
14:20I've just remembered
14:21I first saw him
14:22in April.
14:23You did not.
14:23I did.
14:25Jill!
14:25Yeah!
14:27I'm the most glad, Guv.
14:29Jamie is the most
14:30amazing bloke
14:31I've ever met
14:32and I've met
14:32more than seven men.
14:33How come he pulls
14:37all the birds
14:38just by chucking
14:39some broccoli about
14:40in his oversized frying pan?
14:42Because to women
14:43food and sex
14:44are the same thing, Terry.
14:46Not just to women.
14:50Being back the whole thing
14:51up in banana leaves.
14:53Oh, yeah,
14:53because we've all got
14:54those lying around the house,
14:55haven't we?
14:55Cretan.
14:56Though kitchen foil will do.
14:58Oh, yeah,
14:59because we've all got
14:59that lying around the house,
15:00haven't we?
15:01Just what?
15:02Add a pinch of salt.
15:03Oh, yeah,
15:04because we've got
15:04that lying around the house,
15:05haven't we?
15:07You're my hero, Jamie.
15:09I wish I was you.
15:11Well, that's what
15:11my recipes are all about.
15:12Anyone can cook like me.
15:14I don't want to cook like you.
15:16I want to be you.
15:17This barman thing
15:18is temporary.
15:19It's a stopgap.
15:20I want to be
15:20a celebrity chef.
15:22I could do that.
15:23Definitely.
15:24Well, I mean,
15:24who couldn't?
15:25It's easy.
15:26Have you seen
15:26celebrity chefs on TV?
15:28Well, you don't have
15:29to be funny
15:29or good-looking,
15:31have a nice personality
15:32or dress well
15:33or know how to cook.
15:34A child could do your job.
15:36You should be ashamed
15:37of yourself.
15:39You're my hero.
15:41Oh, thanks.
15:42Now, to bring out
15:43the flavor of your walnut,
15:44watercress,
15:45and walnuts...
15:45Christ, yes, he really is.
15:47Just drizzle on olive oil.
15:49Drizzle?
15:50It means poor,
15:51you muppet.
15:52I know what drizzle means,
15:53mate.
15:54I do live in England,
15:55don't I, eh?
15:56I don't see you
15:57do you know what drizzle is.
15:58But if you mean poor,
15:59then say poor,
16:00unless you want that food
16:01drenched in olive oil
16:0320 hours a day,
16:04362 days a year.
16:06And don't ever
16:07call me
16:08a muppet!
16:09It's time to play the music.
16:15It's time to light the lights.
16:18It's time to meet the Muppets
16:20on the Muppet Show tonight.
16:21Da, da, da, da.
16:22It's time to put on make-up.
16:24It's time to dress up right.
16:26It's time to get things started.
16:28Why don't we get things started
16:29on the most sensational,
16:30inspirational,
16:31celebrational,
16:32Muppetational,
16:33this is what we call
16:35the Muppet Show!
16:46Do you remember that show?
16:48No.
16:51Car!
16:54Oi!
16:55Veros!
16:56Leslie wants a word.
16:57Oh, God!
16:59Our life is flashing
17:01before me eyes!
17:02You poor sod!
17:03I've only had to endure
17:04half an hour of it
17:05and I'm ready to top myself.
17:09He says thanks to you
17:10I've made him do the cooking
17:11three nights a week.
17:14He said he wanted
17:16to rip your head off
17:17and use your neck
17:18as an umbrella stand.
17:22But
17:23he really likes cooking now
17:25and he's good at it.
17:27So thanks, mate!
17:28He loves you!
17:29He's got me worried there for a moment.
17:39I'll send you me laundry,
17:40if you like it.
17:43Maybe around the back
17:44in half an hour
17:44if you want a bit.
17:45All right.
17:46Thanks.
17:47I'm okay.
17:49Oh, don't worry about Leslie.
17:51He's got the mind
17:52of a child
17:52and I'm
17:53trying to see
17:54your bare ass.
17:57That's funny.
17:58A lot of people say that
17:59but I'm called
17:59the bare ass necky cool.
18:00Get lost,
18:01you twisted little midget.
18:02Get to the back of the queue.
18:03Yeah,
18:04which I'm at the front of.
18:05I don't think so.
18:06The only queue
18:07that you've ever been
18:08at the front of
18:08was the one
18:09where they're handing out
18:09fat asses.
18:12Bitch!
18:13Drink on, girls.
18:14He's mine.
18:16Over my dead body.
18:18You ask for this.
18:20Oh!
18:22And some more.
18:23Oh!
18:25Oh!
18:28Oh!
18:36Oh!
18:37Stop it, girls!
18:40It's all right.
18:41You can have me.
18:43Oh!
18:48Come on, ladies, anyway. Go on, get out. Go on. Go.
18:54I'm not going home and leaving her alone with him. Unless...
18:59Actually, I will go home. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
19:03You don't. You are not going to go wait round the back.
19:06I'm sticking to you like Lou all night, even if it means going home with you.
19:09No, you don't!
19:11So young, so pure. Still, eh?
19:15Come on, Mother. You've thoroughly embarrassed me.
19:19I've embarrassed you.
19:21That's rich coming from the boy who sold his knickers
19:24in front of the whole of the Women's Institute.
19:27And you were 28 at the time.
19:30Night, Prof.
19:33Come on, you old bastard. Haven't you got an home to go to?
19:36No.
19:37Really?
19:38No. I live under the railway bridge.
19:42I never knew that.
19:43You never asked.
19:45The pavement is my bed.
19:47And the stars are my blanket.
19:50Oh, dear. What a pity. Never mind.
19:57Let's leave me.
19:58Get out!
19:59Get out!
20:00Get out!
20:01Get out!
20:02Get out!
20:03Get out!
20:04Get out!
20:05Get out!
20:06Get out!
20:07Get out!
20:08Get out!
20:09Get out!
20:10Crespi!
20:11Crespi!
20:13This isn't coming out your wages.
20:16Eh?
20:17No.
20:18I'm gonna make that bare-house naked cook pay for this little lot.
20:22Thanks!
20:25Night, then, gob.
20:27Night, son.
20:29Sleep well.
20:30Oh, my God. Look at that.
20:39Never confused.
20:41I'm just going to watch you.
20:44Quietly.
20:48Oh, what the hell are you doing?
20:50Gosh, I didn't see you coming.
20:53Yeah, well, I saw you.
20:54Oh, God. What are you doing, boys? Disgusting.
20:58Oh, Christ, gov, you don't know what it's like.
21:00Everywhere I go, women shout at me, grab at me, treat me like I'm a sex object.
21:05Well, how terrible for you?
21:07Two years.
21:09And everywhere I go, they make the same bloody joke.
21:11Let's see your bare arse. Can you imagine it?
21:14Oh, I don't have to, do I? Unfortunately.
21:17It's a living hell.
21:18They all want to have sex with me, and I hate them for it. I hate them all.
21:21Yeah, well, I've come to the exact same conclusion from the precisely opposite experience.
21:25To get them back, to show them, I've been putting stuff in the food.
21:30You know, bodily fluids, bits of dirt, the pee and leak of a chicken.
21:34Oh, I knew it!
21:36It's horrible I know, but it gives me some small victory.
21:40Some sense of satisfaction, some revenge for being treated like meat and tooth edge.
21:45I'm not an arse, I'm a human being!
21:47Yeah. Well, I wonder what Ms bloody Jackson cow would think if she knew about this, eh?
21:53Oh, please don't tell her, I'll do anything!
21:56Anything?
21:57Yeah, anything!
22:00You're going to ask me to give up my job, aren't you?
22:01Am I?
22:02Oh, yeah, yeah, of course, yeah.
22:06No! Yes, yes!
22:07Yes, I am.
22:09Go on, then, leave.
22:10All right, I'm going.
22:11Oh!
22:12Jamie?
22:14Yeah?
22:15I think you'd better put these on.
22:25How horrible!
22:26Where is he?
22:43Where is the bare-ass naked cook?
22:45Yes, he waited long enough.
22:47We want bare-ass!
22:49We want bare-ass!
22:50We want bare-ass!
22:52We want bare-ass!
22:53We want bare-ass!
22:54Your wish is my commode.
23:07Hey!
23:09Come back, ladies!
23:10Don't you want to lick my spatula?
23:12Give them a sec!
23:13付iertиваем?
23:25No!
23:26We can cut it off!
23:26We can cut it off!
23:28affects your letters
23:29and Canada!
23:29We can cut it off!
23:30We can cut it off!
23:32We can cut it off!
23:33You just open it!
23:35Thanks!
23:35We can cut it off!
23:36You just open it!
23:37If you're stuck with your camera...
23:39We'll cut it off!