Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Right, get out, you rubbish!
00:22We don't want your type in here.
00:23There's none treats for you here tonight.
00:25Oh, all right, you can have this one alka-pop to share between you, but that's your life now, get out!
00:34I miss my boy, that's all.
00:39Jesus Christ, what a drool, no.
00:44Oi, Gav, you don't have to look like a pranny.
00:47Look at his face, it's a picture.
00:49Oh, it is hilarious.
00:51Although the dig is of Anglo-Saxon origin, the governor is wearing clothes from the Neolithic era.
00:57Oh, it's a great one of Sue, though, isn't it?
01:00Yeah.
01:01Lower eyes are looking a bit hollow.
01:02Oh, sorry, my mistake, that's the skeleton.
01:04How many times?
01:06Skellington!
01:07I haven't lost so much since I crashed my car into that lorry load of poppers!
01:13All those streamers flying in the air!
01:18Pity poor Vera didn't survive to see it.
01:21Ooh, Gav, you've got lovely legs.
01:24Oh, actually, you really have got lovely legs.
01:27You should get them out more often.
01:29Back off, Terry!
01:30My leg's a leg!
01:31Shut up!
01:32Shut up!
01:33This is still the birthplace of the Great British pub.
01:35That skeleton is still my brother in beer across the centuries.
01:39This gaff is still responsible for all the good that alcohol has done to this great country.
01:45Including getting you to pose for that photo?
01:47My judgement may have been slightly impaired.
01:49Slightly?
01:50A bit more than slightly if page three is anything to go by.
01:53A mysterious drunken caveman runs rampage through town centre.
01:57That could have been any number of drunken cavemen.
02:00Not with those legs.
02:02Now, I'm going to show this to Sue.
02:05Honestly, Stephen, I don't know what you see in this Sue.
02:08I mean, let's look at her, eh?
02:09All right, she's got a pretty enough face.
02:12Slend and graceful limbs.
02:14Smooth in her skin.
02:15And lips she could kiss for all eternity.
02:20Back!
02:21She's French, Steve!
02:23French!
02:24French!
02:25Well, maybe that's not such an issue for me as it is for you guys.
02:29Or me, that's one kind of European Union I'll have no trouble with.
02:34She can back on to my Brussels any time she likes.
02:39She's a lovely looking girl.
02:41If I was 40 years younger, I still couldn't pluck up the courage to speak to her.
02:47Any real man would want her.
02:49Oh, yes.
02:50I'd love to do the sex with her.
02:53Jeez!
02:54You guys made Plankton look sophisticated.
02:56Oh!
02:57Who rattled her kind?
02:58Grass knows!
02:59Look, Janet's right.
03:00Show some respect, will you?
03:02Well, Sue isn't a sex object for you to leer over.
03:05She's a human being.
03:06Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to use this as part of my shrine.
03:10This is fucking shocking.
03:11Look, I want him.
03:12You all want her.
03:13No, no, no, no.
03:14I don't have.
03:15No, we've got to put a stop to this.
03:16Too right.
03:17I spent my whole life getting my heart crushed and pulp.
03:19Why shouldn't it be any different for him?
03:20Spot on!
03:21Let us spoil it for him.
03:22Mm, little bastard.
03:23Yeah, good on you.
03:24So, are you all in?
03:25Yeah.
03:26And if we fail, we can always have each other as a constipation prize.
03:37I'd rather shag the Skellington.
03:40A mouth's a mouth.
03:43It's nearly knocking off time for the diggers.
03:45Oh, have I got a surprise for them.
03:48Orgasmic real ale.
03:51Dangle for his old hairy bullocks.
03:57It's a bonzer, darling.
03:59Where'd that come from?
04:00Remember that lager for lads they launched in the 70s?
04:02A diamond geezer.
04:04It was disgusting.
04:06Yeah, no bugger janky.
04:08I've had a barrel of that stuff in the cellar for the last 25 years.
04:11I tell you what, if it wasn't organic then, it certainly is now.
04:16This beer contains life forms.
04:18Life forms previously unheard of on this planet.
04:21Oh, grow up!
04:22Give it here!
04:28Tuck into that.
04:30Christ, that's blinding!
04:32Thanks, Terry.
04:34No, seriously, Guff.
04:36It's blinding.
04:37I've gone blind.
04:39You got any more?
04:41That'll be eight quid, please tell.
04:43It's worth every penny.
04:45Damn these useless eyes.
04:49Right, I'm going to see how the diggers are getting on.
04:52Oh, I'll come too, I miss Sue.
04:54No, Steve, you can stay here.
04:56I will accompany you.
04:59Yeah, me too.
05:00I want to send my best wishes to Sue.
05:02Oops, my hand slipped.
05:04That's it, everybody.
05:06Keep up the good work.
05:08Ha, ha, ha, ha.
05:09That's right, Beardy.
05:10You keep on cleaning that broken pot with a toothbrush.
05:14Is that your job?
05:16Your parents proud of you, you time wasted.
05:19Oh, come on.
05:20Hello.
05:21Here.
05:22You like the t-shirts?
05:23I really dig the Anglo-Saxons.
05:26You know, dig and dig.
05:29Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
05:32Oh, mate, you're crazy.
05:35Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
05:36So, have any treasure yet then?
05:38Oh, no, no, no, no.
05:39Archeology is an academic discipline.
05:42It's not a treasure hunt.
05:43Oh, and this broken bit of pot is worth more than all the treasures of the Incas.
05:47Oh, yeah, me too.
05:48I love broken bits of pot too.
05:50I mean, you know, though if you find the intact pot stuffed full of gold,
05:54not you mate.
05:55Leave this place now!
05:57place now. You are all cursed. Cursed. Change the record, mate. There's no such thing as
06:05a curse. Show that to my wife. You should all take care today of all days, for it is
06:12All Hallows' Eve. You are all doomed. Cursed, I tell you. Cursed. Crosby, get back inside
06:21now. I told you. I'll see you later.
06:27What is this you need on, Cub? Oh, it's an electrified fence to keep the local vandals from getting
06:34their hands on my valuable treasure, um, bits of broken pot.
06:42He, uh, he always does this, you know. Who does?
06:46Stevo. Anything vaguely female that comes into this pub, he feels he has to make a play for.
06:51Really? I'm very surprised. Yeah. It's said, really, but I'm the only one he really likes.
06:56I mean, the truth is, he's only flirting with you to make me jealous. Really? Because
07:00he told me he hated you and that you make us every waking second living hell. He said
07:05that? Damn it, she's good. Don't cover Martha Skellington. Oi, mate, don't do that. That's
07:13my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather. He wouldn't want you touching
07:16him. There. Like that. Ooh, ooh, he was never confused. Um, you're not going to dig there,
07:25are you? Yes. I must not dig there. There's nothing there. Oh, dear. Oh, hello, Sue.
07:34Excuse me, I need to get... No, ha, ha. You'll strain yourself, love. You'll scramble
07:38your eggs. I'll take care of this rubbish for you. You imbecile. Those were all this
07:44week's small fights. All these English are crazy. We're crazy. You're the ones who eat
07:49horses, for pity's sake. They do. They do, you know. They eat horses, you do. It's not
07:55normal. Horses and snails and frogs. It's not normal. It's thorough, admittedly, but it's
08:00not normal. I don't eat horses. I'm vegetarian. French and a vegetarian. Get out. What a
08:12shine pigeon pie tonight. See, the thing is, love, I only eat meat. The way I see it, that
08:19cow's already eaten all the greens I'll ever need. It's just the one trip to the butchers
08:23for me. Trick or treat? Don't think so, guys. Just give us all you Alka Pops a hundred quid,
08:42swat face. Now, look here, Count Dracula. I don't mind you sucking people's blood, but there's
08:48no need for that kind of language. Shut up. Hold on. I recognise that voice. That's that
08:55Kaz, you know, Greg Watts' nephew. No, I'm not piss off, Glassjaw. I mean, stranger.
09:03Just because I am blind does not mean I cannot defeat you, son. I will use the power of Kung
09:11Kung Fu.
09:14Hey! Hey!
09:21Get off, Das.
09:23Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi. Don't worry. It's only the baldy pub gaylord.
09:28Landlord, never confused.
09:30Ser, it's a witch. Go for air.
09:33Where are you going? For air. Not so tough without your mates, are you?
09:38your mates, are you?
09:41You wait until I tell my Uncle Greg,
09:43I mean Uncle Frankenstein.
09:46Where will you
09:47people learn?
09:48It's Frank-ing-stein!
09:52This is just
09:53the start, for it is
09:55written, he must
09:57not enter a place where there is
09:59a dead body.
10:00Honestly, I don't know what it is with people in the Bible.
10:03I mean, they call it the good book,
10:05but I've read it and it's bloody rubbish.
10:09I was blind.
10:12And that was safe.
10:14Don't be brave!
10:20Cheers!
10:22Are you sure you should be drinking that stuff?
10:24It's strong enough to temporarily
10:25blind Terry and he drinks Brasso.
10:29It cleans out
10:30the pipes.
10:33I've told you
10:34you can't bring your own drinks in here.
10:37It'll bloody ruin me.
10:38Oh, no, not again!
10:40Trick or treat!
10:41I've told you, you can't come in here!
10:43Oh, trick or treat here.
10:45I mean, what's wrong with bobbing for apples, eh, kids?
10:47We made do with that when we was young.
10:49That's right.
10:50Tie my hands tighter, Johnny.
10:51Tie them.
10:52Tie them.
10:54We'll swing into the water.
10:55I'll struggle.
10:56I'll struggle.
10:58Never confuse.
10:59Now get out of here!
11:00Yeah!
11:02Can you look at those two?
11:03It's like Romeo and Juliet
11:05without the happy ending.
11:06I thought you drone guys
11:08were supposed to be
11:08helping me split them up.
11:10Slowly, slowly,
11:11catchy monkey.
11:13Time's run and fail,
11:14the old Brooks charm.
11:16Poor girl
11:16don't stand a chance.
11:21Hello, darling.
11:22I like your hair.
11:24Have you farted?
11:26It's possible.
11:28You are a beautiful woman.
11:29You deserve a man.
11:31Not a boy.
11:32I'm 28.
11:34I've bought you a gift of love.
11:36Tadpole?
11:38No, no, it's a bag of
11:39grow-your-own-frogs legs.
11:43Why do you all insult me?
11:46But I thought you'd like it.
11:47Do you know how difficult it is
11:48to get a hold of tadpoles
11:49in October?
11:52It's just good.
11:53What are you?
11:54Gov.
11:55Oh, all right.
11:56I want to, but I can't.
11:58Oh, man.
11:58Something's so wrong.
11:59I feel so right.
12:01Get out!
12:02Hello, Sue.
12:05Leave us alone.
12:07I think I'm in here.
12:09Yes, he is.
12:16Sue, I'd like to apologise
12:18for some of the things
12:18I may have said earlier.
12:19Oh, don't worry about it.
12:20No, no, no.
12:21I was wrong.
12:22Apart from that stuff
12:23about the French
12:23not being normal.
12:24I mean,
12:25you play bowls in gravel
12:27for pity's sake.
12:29It's mental!
12:30This isn't helping.
12:31Oh, sorry.
12:34Sorry, love.
12:35Um, would you like a drink?
12:36On the arse.
12:39A red wine, please.
12:41Eh?
12:41No, it's white wine.
12:42Glass of white wine
12:43for the lady.
12:45Not, I prefer red.
12:46Yeah, well, you all drink that
12:47in France, don't you?
12:48Eh?
12:48Because they say
12:49drinking red wine
12:49makes you live longer.
12:50That's what they say,
12:51isn't it?
12:51Yeah, but there's a drawback
12:52there, isn't there, love?
12:53Because you're living longer,
12:54but you're French.
12:55That's what they're thinking about.
13:02Another pint, Gov?
13:03Yeah, why not, Mike?
13:05Here, Mike,
13:06do that archaeologist joke,
13:07you know,
13:07that one about your career
13:09lying in ruins.
13:10Go on.
13:10Um, my career
13:12lies in ruins.
13:13Oh, that's priceless!
13:18Oh, I love you, Mike.
13:20And I love you too, Govnor.
13:22Do you?
13:25Do you really?
13:27Well, go on, Prof.
13:28Janet, I'd really rather not
13:30if it's all the same.
13:30You've got me made a pect.
13:32Very well.
13:34Young lady,
13:35your attention, please.
13:37Good evening.
13:38I was wondering
13:38if you would wish
13:39to engage in the sexual intercourse
13:41with me.
13:41Oh, you would not?
13:43Oh, what a pity.
13:45Well, thank you for your time.
13:47Oh, I've tried.
13:48I've tried.
13:49So, uh,
13:51archaeologists,
13:52yeah, I think I could do this.
13:53Uh, this bomb and things
13:55is just temporary.
13:56Oh, yes, Steve.
13:57It's a great life.
13:58We could travel the world together.
14:00Wherever we lay our hat
14:01is our home.
14:03I haven't got a hat.
14:04Would that be a problem?
14:06Oh, there's no point.
14:08But you're our last honey.
14:10Oh, God's help.
14:12I'll do it.
14:14Excuse me, young lady.
14:16I don't suppose you'd look fair enough.
14:19All right, you bush pig.
14:21I didn't want you to go this far,
14:22but you've left me no option.
14:23You and me outside now.
14:24Oh, with pleasure.
14:25Cat scrap.
14:27Cat scrap.
14:33Ruins and ruins.
14:36I'll get it now.
14:41Now, I saw Steve-o first,
14:43which means a scrawny little bastard is mine.
14:45That is not how I see it.
14:46Oh, maybe I'd better make things
14:48a little bit clearer for you.
14:50Come and have a go
14:51if you think you're home enough.
14:54Yeah, but you know,
14:55you're really good,
14:56you know that?
14:56Oui.
14:56But maybe not that good.
15:06Have you ever had two women
15:07fight over you before, Steve?
15:09No.
15:09I have my eighth and ninth fiancée.
15:12Admittedly, they were fighting
15:13who got to leave me first.
15:16All right, all right.
15:16You can have him.
15:17You can have him.
15:18I don't like him that much.
15:19Yes.
15:20Be a black fool.
15:21I am just very happy to get up.
15:24Janet.
15:26Ruins.
15:27Oh, God.
15:31There's plenty more fish
15:32in the sea, darling.
15:33Yeah, and they've all got
15:34a much better chance
15:35of getting off with me than you.
15:36And they smell better, too.
15:37Oi, slobs.
15:39What's been occurring here?
15:40Greg Thompson.
15:42What an unexpected pleasure.
15:44You're a bit old
15:45for trick-or-treating, aren't you, Greg?
15:46You can talk.
15:47Fred Flintstone.
15:48Lovely Harris, eh?
15:49Never confused.
15:50Arsehole.
15:51Actually, I'm having
15:52a Halloween ball
15:53up the Queen of Hearts.
15:54I don't know what it is,
15:55but the birds love
15:55a bloke in a vampire outfit.
15:57It's not just your neck
15:58they're going to want to suck.
16:01Greg, you know women
16:02so well, don't you?
16:04So, slobs.
16:05What in the name
16:05of a donkey's cock
16:06have you done
16:07to my nephew?
16:08Gary, get it out.
16:10Look at that.
16:11He's a child.
16:12He was trick-or-treating.
16:14Did he deserve
16:14to be in the face
16:15with a dead bird?
16:16This is not
16:17communist Russia!
16:19Hey, who did this to you, boy?
16:21It was her, Uncle Greg.
16:22Oh, dear.
16:23Our little Aussie barmaid.
16:25Still not had the good sense
16:26to come work for me,
16:26have you, eh?
16:27Well, William,
16:28look at this.
16:29What a coincidence.
16:30All three of us
16:31looking at a pair of tits.
16:32Yeah, it's a nice one.
16:33I want reparation, slobs.
16:36100 quid
16:37and all the alcohol pops
16:38Carrie can drink.
16:39Move it, Grandad.
16:40Yes, Greg.
16:41At once, Greg.
16:42You're not going to do it,
16:43are you?
16:43Are you a man or a minge?
16:45A minge?
16:45You have got to stand up
16:48to that fig jam
16:48at some point in your life.
16:50Woo!
16:52Right, I told you kids
16:53what would happen
16:53if you were coming here.
16:54Now, get out,
16:54you little bastards.
16:56Oh, please,
16:57take off that horrible mask.
16:59Hello.
17:00But, Miss Jackson,
17:01you're beautiful.
17:03Look at that.
17:04I hope I didn't give you
17:05the willies.
17:06You certainly did.
17:09Christ,
17:09I've gone blind again.
17:13Anyway,
17:13I'm just popping in
17:14on the way to Greg's ball.
17:15Ow!
17:15When are you getting
17:16in a costume?
17:18Very funny, Jackie.
17:19Janet.
17:19Oh, damn it, Janet.
17:21Damn it, Janet!
17:22Do you get it?
17:23Like in Rocky Horror,
17:24let's do the time war.
17:26Have you seen it?
17:27Nah.
17:28You're looking lovely, Vicky.
17:30I love a woman
17:30with white streaks
17:31in her hair.
17:32Yes, it's quite
17:33fashionable, I understand.
17:35Cow!
17:35Never put a pun to life!
17:37What are you doing here?
17:38I'm having a drink
17:39with my mate Mike here.
17:40Oh, actually,
17:40I'm here to see both of you.
17:41You see,
17:42Mike has some
17:43very interesting plans
17:44for this pub.
17:45He wants to help
17:46turn it into a major
17:47tourist attraction.
17:48Yes!
17:49Justice!
17:50In your face, Thompson!
17:52Yeah, I'm gatted, Stocks.
17:53Shall we show them
17:54the plans, Mike?
17:55You're my best mate, Mike.
17:56This is fantastic.
17:59Ta-da!
17:59The great pub experience.
18:03Visitors will travel
18:04round on these giant tankards
18:06passing dioramas
18:08of famous brewers
18:09in bad weeks.
18:10I wish I could say
18:11it sounds blinding.
18:14Yeah, it's great, Mike.
18:16Where's the pub?
18:17Oh, I'll have to knock
18:17the pub down.
18:18Oh, dear.
18:18What a pity.
18:19Never mind.
18:20What are you joders?
18:23Think about the money.
18:25We'll be rich.
18:26Rich, I tell you.
18:27And you'll be cursed.
18:28Curse it, I tell you.
18:30I'm sorry, Mike.
18:31I still have my principles.
18:33I can't work
18:33for such a shameless profiteer.
18:35Archaeology is my life.
18:37I have to leave.
18:38What?
18:39You don't have to go.
18:40As long as there is
18:41some old rubbish
18:42buried beneath the ground,
18:42my work will go on.
18:44I'll miss you.
18:45Yeah, well,
18:46you better keep moving.
18:47Those frozen mammoths
18:47aren't going to dig up themselves.
18:48Lovely to meet you.
18:49Enjoy the rest of your life.
18:50I'm so sad to see you go.
18:51I really liked it.
18:52Wait.
18:53Sue, I could go with you.
18:54Hold on to my little petit pois.
18:56Ain't you one of them
18:57archey watchits?
18:58Yes, I am.
18:59Good.
19:00You want to get yourself
19:00up the Queen of Hearts.
19:01I've got this massive bone
19:02I want you to look at.
19:04All the girls that have seen it
19:05say it looks like
19:05it belongs to a dinosaur.
19:07Really?
19:08That sounds very interesting.
19:10Lucky I brought my tools with me.
19:11Oh, dear.
19:12I love a girl
19:12who comes equipped.
19:13But wait,
19:14I thought...
19:15Goodbye, Steve.
19:17Maybe just half wire.
19:18No, it's goodbye.
19:21You see, son?
19:22The fridge are up or something.
19:23Vampire is very sexy.
19:25Yeah, I know.
19:25You deserve a man,
19:26not a boy.
19:27Ha!
19:28Ha!
19:28Ha!
19:29Yeah, well,
19:29never mind about that.
19:30What about my pub?
19:32Mike is offering you
19:33an obscene amount of money.
19:35Oh, Christ!
19:37And a bike!
19:38I can have me beer garden
19:39and a car park.
19:41And my carvery.
19:42And endless rows
19:43of dusty hardback books
19:45that no one will ever read.
19:47Where do I sign?
19:49But, Gav,
19:49what will become of us?
19:52The old,
19:53the bald
19:54and the blind?
19:56Oh, dear.
19:56What a pity.
19:57Never mind.
19:58Where do I sign?
19:59Look,
19:59the brewery's lawyers
20:00will be in touch
20:00first thing in the morning.
20:01I think you should just sleep on it.
20:03But, er,
20:04don't have nightmares.
20:05Ooh!
20:05Ooh!
20:06Ooh!
20:06Morning, Mike.
20:19I've slept in it
20:20and I've decided to...
20:21I'm sorry.
20:21The deal's hot.
20:22I really must be going.
20:24What's wrong, mate?
20:25You look like you've seen a ghost.
20:26Curtain!
20:27Curtain!
20:28I must get away!
20:29Curtain!
20:30Jesus Christ!
20:50That's it, fellas.
20:52Fill her up.
20:53Car parking space
20:54for almost three vehicles
20:56coming up.
20:57Comp he's over this area,
20:59eh?
21:00Concrete over it?
21:01Well...
21:01I don't understand it.
21:03Who'd do something like this?
21:04Must have been the local vandals.
21:06Little SH1Ts.
21:09Oh, they could not have
21:09got over the fence.
21:11Oh!
21:11Well, that one was a castron.
21:14Looks like the brewery
21:15will be representing this club
21:17for some time to come.
21:18Mega, isn't it?
21:19Anywho,
21:20I'd best be off.
21:21I've got a hand dryer emergency
21:22at the Laughing Cavalier.
21:23Ooh, nasty!
21:24Oh, no, I love all that.
21:25That's what I love about this job.
21:27It's the variety.
21:28Or reservoir.
21:29Oi!
21:30No French!
21:33Nice one, gov.
21:35You saved the pub,
21:36you turned down
21:37all that money
21:37for us.
21:39I didn't do it.
21:40Oh, yeah, right.
21:41No, I'll just tell you,
21:42I didn't.
21:43I wanted the money
21:43and the hardback books.
21:44Well, who was it?
21:46Not me.
21:47Nor me.
21:48I was up all night
21:48vandalising the Queen of Hearts.
21:50I've only just regained my sight.
21:53Well, if it wasn't any of us,
21:54who was it then?
21:55Well,
21:56it is Halloween.
21:58Nah,
21:58that's impossible.
22:00Nah,
22:00it couldn't,
22:01could it?
22:01for me.
22:03Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
22:07Sorry.
22:21Shhh!
22:24They can't take away our pub, Leslie.
22:28We've had so many good times.
22:31So many memories.
22:32Now, we've got to scare off them strangers.
22:37Do you understand?
22:40Well, twat it, Leslie!